How To Release Expectations of Others and Choose Peace

Ever notice how letdowns hit hardest when you were sure someone was different? We unpack why disappointment isn’t just about what they did; it’s about the collision of expectation and reality, especially when old attachment wounds and a dysregulated nervous system are steering the wheel. From empath mirroring to trauma-bond speed, we talk candidly about the patterns that lead us to overinvest, overlook, and then feel betrayed by the story we wrote for someone else.

I share how chronic disappointment fades when we slow down and collect data: watch for consistency across seasons, match energy with evidence, and stop handing out unearned roles. We explore the empath trap of assuming others share our capacity, and the liberating reframe that disappointment is more about boundaries than trust. You’ll hear practical, compassionate tools to stay open-hearted without being overexposed: let people be human without making them central, replace hope with discernment, and grieve who you wanted them to be so you can see who they are.

We also ground the process in the body. When safety is scarce, the nervous system looks for external regulation through people, which fuels fast attachment and red-flag amnesia. Simple somatic practices create space to observe rather than assume, and to ask a better question: not will they meet me, but do they have the capacity to meet themselves. By anchoring your heart in reality, you don’t harden; you clarify. The people who can truly meet you begin to stand out, and your peace stops depending on anyone’s potential. If this resonates, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs it, and leave a review to help others find these tools. What’s one boundary you’ll set this week?

Transcript

Naming The Disappointment Pattern

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today I want to talk about a a common topic that almost everyone struggles with at some point in their life. That's being disappointed in people. And I want to talk about how to stop being disappointed in people and you don't have to become hardened or closed off or wall off in order to stop being disappointed in people. Disappointment can feel heavy, personal, and exhausting. You know, we assign so many expectations to people without even asking the person if they can meet our expectations, and we have to be careful of that. So you know, disappointment can make you question your judgment, your worth, and your capacity to trust. And basically, you know, being disappointed is tied to trust, but you know, it's very important to not hold people to stay a certain way. We all grow, we all evolve, we all change, and yes, we will disappoint people. I remember as I went through my healing and spiritual growth, a lot of people were disappointed because I wasn't the yes person anymore. They couldn't use me, they couldn't mistreat me. Um so I lost people in my life as I used my voice more and more. And we all change for different reasons in different ways. And when we get disappointed in people, it's because we want them to stay in a way that makes us feel safe, and they can't do that. So for sensitive people, impasse, helpers, healers, disappointment often cuts even deeper because we have to understand that everybody's allowed their own autonomy to be their own person, and sometimes we're just not in alignment with them. So this episode is not about becoming cynical, it's not about lowering your standards or expecting the worst, and it's definitely not about shutting your heart down. We don't want to do that. This is about learning how to relate to people without overinvesting, overexpecting or self-abandoning. So disappointment stops being a recurrent emotional wound. And I see these posts all the time. You know, I hear it from clients, I see these posts all the time. People are so disappointing. They're so disappointing. But are they really? Do we really know them? You know, we think we know people, but do we really ever know anyone? No matter how many years, there's so many layers to us, right? Especially if you idolize someone in the public eye, you don't really know them. Even if they've been consistent for several years, we're seeing now in the current social climate, people aren't always who we thought they were. So let's talk about why disappointment hurts so much. Disappointment isn't just about what someone did or didn't do. It really isn't, it's bigger than that. Disappointment is about expectation meeting reality. And that is very important to remember. Disappointment is not just about what someone did or didn't do. A lot of people associate it there, but it's about expectation meeting reality. Most people think disappointment means they let me down. Partially, but you know, sometimes we let ourselves down over our expectations that we have of others, especially when we don't tell them what we expect. And so remember that. But underneath it something often means I hoped they would see me, right? That's what you're really hoping. Is that the person can see you, acknowledge you, value you, and cherish you, you know, or see you as someone that they value. I believe they would choose me. That's another one. I expected them to show up differently. A lot of times people do, and they get disappointed. I assume they were capable of what I would do. What is the saying? Stop expecting you from other people. A lot of people do that. They assume that if they like someone, that person is just like them, and nobody is just like you or just like me. No two people are the same, not twins, not a married couple, not the tightest of friends. We are all different because we all have different filters. So no two people are the same, and people are who they are for many reasons. So disappointment hurts because it activates old attachment wounds. It definitely does. Um, unmet childhood needs, that's what it also activates. And so if you are unhealed, if you have an unhealed childhood, right? All that stuff comes into adulthood. It doesn't just fall off and go away as you become an adult, even if you pushed it down and try to bury it or put it in your subconscious, it's just gonna come up to the surface. It just will. And the longing to finally be met emotionally, especially if you never felt seen or heard in your life by your parents or caretakers or loved ones or friends, and you find this person to be so great and so awesome, and you feel like they see you and hear you, and then they let you down. Because it doesn't play out the way that you wanted it to play out. So when you're disappointed repeatedly, it usually is not because you're naive. It's because you're projecting your values, capacity, and emotional death onto others. So it's not about being naive, but we're so busy projecting we don't see the person. We want the person to see us, but we don't really see them either, because we're projecting onto them who we need them to be in order for us to feel safe. So if you want to not be disappointed in people, remember you got to see them for who they are, you got to accept them for who they are, and accept that no one's gonna be exactly who you want them to be, and also know that we don't know people in detail like we think we do. We don't. We're still learning ourselves every day, right? Nobody fully knows themselves, and I know some people don't like hearing that, but we don't. I learn new stuff about myself all the time, and so don't expect things from people. You know, just take it at face value. So let's talk about the impasse trap, assuming others are like you. Yes, it's an impasse thing, right? And especially because impasse are often created out of trauma, right? They learn to gauge people, judge people, and so they see themselves as a perfect reader of people. And they are for the moment, but we don't n not even the the most gifted psychic can't know everything about a person. People have some privacy, some autonomy. But impasse if you're like, oh, I read them, I clocked them, I know who they are, but you we really don't know anybody totally. So if you are empathic, emotionally intelligent, or trauma aware, this part is especially important. Okay, impasse often assume if I care deeply, others do too, and they don't. Some people have learned to not care as a protective mechanism, like narcissism is a protective mechanism. They just decided not to care, not to feel, because they can't survive with all that empathy and feeling, so they have cut it off, and they started doing that at a young age. So also if I would never do that, they won't either, especially if you like them. You know, you just think, well, I like them. I wouldn't like an awful person. They're just like me. We have a lot in common. You'd be surprised what we learn about people, right? And so we have to stop assuming that if you wouldn't do it, they wouldn't either. If I communicate clearly, they will respond with maturity. No, they respond at the level of their awareness, their healing, and their ability to process. That's the level that they respond at. If I give grace, they will reciprocate. No, I used to give grace all the time, and it just got me walked all over, stepped on. People see me as nice and easygoing and they can mistreat me. That's what it does. And this isn't arrogance to think this way. So being an empath, you're not arrogant for thinking like this. It's mirroring. You're you're creating this mirror. You assume others operate from the same internal landscape that you do, but they don't. And that's the mirroring process. But people don't disappoint you because they're malicious. Really, they don't, but people will assume they're bad, they're evil, malicious because they hurt me, they disappointed me, they let me down. They disappointed you because they don't have the same emotional capacity, awareness, or values, and you didn't tell them what your expectations are. We assume that people should know. You know, I get this all the time. Well, if they love me, they should know what I need. I'm like, well, you love them, do you know what they need? And then they get quiet. But sometimes I'm direct like that. Because you have to communicate what we what we expect from others. And expecting someone to show up beyond their capacity is a setup for pain. And a lot of times people do that. They love a wounded person and be disappointed that their love isn't healing the wounded person to have them meet them at their capacity of maturity. It just doesn't work that way. Disappointment is a boundary issue, not a trust issue. Let's talk about that for a moment. Here's a reframe that changes everything. You don't need to trust people less. No. And really, trust starts with yourself. Just trust yourself. Trust yourself that you respond accordingly. You don't need to expect more accurately. You know, you don't need to expect more. Disappointment usually happens when you skip the observation phase, and a lot of people do this. They fall in love, they have a trauma bond during that fall in love, and they don't see the signs of the person, and they'd be like, There were no signs, it was all good, it was all love. He promised me this, she promised me that. But they weren't looking at the signs, they weren't observing. You must observe all the time, people. Like when I was younger, I was fast friends with people. Now it may take a year, year and a half, it may take even longer for me to really be friends with someone. I keep them in the acquaintance box because I want to know what they're about. I used to bring people in easily because we had that instant connection. And some people will do that throughout their life because they just want things to jail, they want things to work, but you can't skip the observation phase. You attach before consistency is proven. Yes, a lot of people do. They because we're trauma bonding, right? And you're like, oh my god, this person hasn't even proved themselves yet, but you feel it, you want it to work, and you need it to work, and that's where the disappointment's gonna come in. You assign roles that people haven't earned, right? This is my ride or die, this is my love of my life, this is this great person, awesome person, because you're liking them, but you don't even know them yet. They haven't even earned these titles yet. And so that's where disappointment comes in. You give access without data. Stop doing that. You need more information. Boundaries are not walls, they are filters. Healthy boundaries say I will believe who you are based on your behavior, not my hope. I will believe who you are based on your behavior, see what's going on, stop overlooking shit. Okay, people do this all the time. I've done it, don't do it. And you cannot project onto a person, see them for who they are. Nobody is perfect. We all have flaws. That is important when you observe instead of assume, disappointment naturally decreases. Now, when I look at people, I just say they're who they are. And yeah, I've been disappointing in people, and even as an adult, but really you have to go through some seasons, you have to go through some changes, you have to see how people respond when you're happy, sad, do you know, you have to see things. I didn't realize that when I was going through a dark period with losing my son, some people liked it then because they felt better than me. They felt above me, but as I healed and got stronger and even happier, they faded out. They didn't like my happiness. You gotta go through seasons with people. No more of this instant connection stuff. That just doesn't work. So let's talk about the nervous system piece. Disappointment isn't just cognitive, it lives in the body. It's not just your mind, it lives in your body. Many people overexpect because their nervous system is seeking safety, especially if you haven't had it. You're just looking for your tribe, right? Looking for your romantic person, looking for, you know, who you can trust, connection. We're we are wired for connection. We starve for connection. You know, I think that's why pandemic was often hard because we were cut off from each other. You know, we are wired for a connection. And we want to connect and want to feel like we belong and we found our people. Repair. Just wanting to feel healing and belonging. Okay, we we talk about teenagers and grade school kids all wanting to belong and high school, but we all have some of that within us. When people say, I don't think I belong on this planet, what they're saying is I don't feel like I belong anywhere. But they actually are on this planet, so they belong here, but they got to find what makes them feel rooted. So when your nervous system is dysregulated, it looks for external regulation through people. A lot of people, that's why they're in one relationship after another and can't be alone, and you know, they're always jumping and they meet someone they like them as a friend and they attach right away. And so when your nervous system is dysregulated and you're looking for this external regulation through people, you might attach too quickly. I've seen it, I've seen people do it. People I know do it. You ignore red flags, you explain the red flags away, and then those red flags get bigger, and you're like, oh my god, I didn't know they were like that because you explained the red flags away. You over explain, right? You do that, you overgive. Um hope someone will soothe your old wounds, tell you you're okay, give you the love that you didn't get growing up. A lot of times I hear people cry, I just want that love I never had. But you have to heal to get the love that you never had. Somebody just can't give it to you and then you're healed. You gotta heal in order to receive it. So when your body is regulated, your expectations become grounded. So that's why we regulate our nervous system through somatic healing. You stop asking, will they finally meet me? And you start asking, do they have the capacity to meet themselves? That's one thing I learned. I was expecting things from people not even knowing what their own stuff is, what their own struggle was. You know, sometimes I was disappointed in friends, and as I got a chance to observe, I'm like, this person is struggling. Who am I to be expecting something from them? They need to take care of themselves. So let's talk about this, you know, how to stop being disappointed without being being coming closed off. Because a lot of people just shut down. I'm not gonna have friends, I'm not gonna talk to anybody, I don't trust anybody, people are bad, people hurt me. And that's not a way to live. It really isn't. It's not a protective mechanism at all. Well, it is, but it's not a good one. You don't want to do that. So let's get practical. Detach expectations, number one, from potential. A lot of times people see the potential in someone instead of what they're being shown because they like the person, they're gonna see all the good and great things. Stop falling in love with who someone could be. A lot of relationships are like that, right? I know he could be a great person, I know she's wonderful under all the wounds. Stop it. Stay rooted in who they consistently show themselves to be. People can't hide themselves for too long. You you know, I watch the ID channel, I watch these shows, and you know, you can hear you can hear people overlook things, but the signs were always there. We always have signs. They people can only hide themselves for so long because it's very hard to wear a mask. It just is. So you want to match energy with evidence. That's very important. Your level of emotional investment should match their demonstrated behavior. Stop overgiving. I had to really learn to step back personally with the overgiving stuff, and so that's important that your emotional investment should match their demonstrated behavior, not their words. Words are cheap, but people love words, it makes them feel good. People love to be sweet talked and love bombed, and you see it in all aspects of life, right? But don't do that. Words mean nothing, actions mean everything. Let people be human without making them central. People can be flawed with having front row access to your heart. So people can be flawed without having front row access to your heart. Make them human. They don't have to be the center of your world, your universe. Replace hope with discernment. Oh my god, all of us need more of that, right? Discernment. That is important. Hope without discernment leads to disappointment. We often disappoint ourselves for not seeing the people for who they are. Discernment without bitterness leads to peace. It does. Number five, grieve who you wanted them to be. Grieve who that partner isn't, who that friend isn't, who that boss isn't, who the parents aren't. You know, the friends, just grieve it all. Sometimes disappointment is grief. It's a form of grief. Let yourself mourn the fantasy instead of chasing closure. So I'm gonna go over the five steps again of how to stop being disappointed and without becoming closed off. Number one, detach expectations from potential. Two, match energy with evidence. Three, let people be human without making them central. Four, replace hope with discernment. Five, grieve who you wanted them to be. A lot of times we get so mad because we're forcing people to be what we want them to be, and we say they're letting us down, but they don't really owe us that. Even if they've hurt us, they don't nobody owes anybody anything, and that's probably a hard thing to hear because we want that. We want our parents to do better, we want people to do better. But once you accept people for who you are, you set yourself free. Let's talk about radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is not resignation. Acceptance doesn't mean approval, it never has. And so acceptance doesn't mean approval. But what acceptance does mean is seeing people clearly. Again, just have conversations with people. I remember when I used to have to hire people, I would just talk to them. I would talk about anything just to see what comes out. Let them get comfortable, let them show themselves. You know, just observe, talk to people, talk and talk. I know like a lot of times when people are dating, they immediately want to meet somebody in person because they're looking for physical attraction. They gotta be physically attracted, that's so important. And when they're physically attracted to someone, they're like, he's so cute, they start overlooking stuff. I think it's better to talk for a couple weeks over the phone and text, see how that goes. Then in person, you can see if everything lines up, they're not just cute, but how do you talk before meeting each other? I like that idea. No, I know a lot of people aren't going to do that, you know. But if you're doing online dating, I would do it that way, unless you just meet somebody in person, right? You can't do it that way. But move slower. Really get to learn who people are, what they say, and what they do, and how they respond through various seasons of life, and let go of the need for them to be different. People get to be who they are, whether we like it or not. You just that will help you decide who's gonna be in your world, right? Releasing a fantasy of who they should be. That gets people in a lot of trouble, and a lot of people get upset because they need people to be a certain way, and when they're not, they're mad, they're upset, they're like this person doesn't care. People are gonna put themselves first just like you're gonna put yourself first. So choosing how close they get based on reality. You don't just let anybody get close to you, they gotta earn that. What are they showing you? So you can love people, you can care, and still choose distance. That's emotional maturity, and that's what you do. You you know, sometimes you have to care about people from a distance. You gotta handle them with small doses, and even though you want them to be that person, you know you're right or die, the love of your life, sometimes they just can't be. And you have to become okay with that, not be hurt and disappointed because people are who they are because of their own wounds, their own level of healing, their own filter. So I'm gonna close this out. I'm gonna close this out by saying peace over expectations. The goal isn't to stop feeling disappointment entirely, we just will feel disappointed. The goal is to stop living in it. People will live in it and be hurt and upset. You can't you can't live that way. When you stop expecting people to heal your wounds, because that's what we're doing, um, regulate your emotions, or meet needs they never agree to meet, something powerful happens. A lot of times people have expectations of people, they didn't even tell the person what the expectations were. And then they're disappointed that the person didn't meet their expectations. You must always speak them. If you're in a romantic relationship, friendships, whatever, you always gotta speak your expectations and see if they can meet them and save you a lot of misery. So what happens? Something powerful happens when you stop expecting people to heal your wounds, regulate your emotions, or meet needs they never agree to meet. You feel lighter, you feel clearer, more grounded. And the people who can meet you, they stand out effortlessly. They show up, they're allowed to show up because you're making space for them. You don't need to harden your heart. We gotta stop this closing off the heart, right? Don't close off your heart chakra. You need to anchor in it in reality. So you need to anchor it in reality, your heart. See things for what they are instead of what you hoped they would be. That is so important. So I want to close with that. You don't need to harden your heart, you need to anchor your heart in reality. If you can do that, and if you can use discernment, and if you can learn to observe and move slowly, life gets better, life gets easier. That is so important. And you can deal with people better. So I want to thank you for listening and have a great day.