Why Apologies Rarely Heal And How To Find Real Peace

What if the closure you’re waiting for from someone else is the very thing keeping you stuck? We pull back the curtain on the myth that a perfect apology will heal old wounds and show how real peace comes from inside: your choices, your boundaries, your nervous system settling.

We walk through the psychology of closure and why our brains crave coherence after painful endings. Then we get honest about apologies: why they often feel empty, how they reflect the giver’s capacity rather than your need, and why waiting for remorse from someone who couldn’t protect you can delay healing. You’ll hear a candid personal story about releasing the hope of validation years later, and the surprising relief that followed. Along the way, we unpack trauma bonds—those cycles of inconsistency and emotional highs and lows that keep you hooked—and outline how distance, grief, and regulation dissolve them more effectively than one more “final conversation.”

This conversation is practical and compassionate. We offer steps to reclaim agency: grieve the apology that may never arrive, name your experience without seeking permission, and anchor daily practices that calm the body—breath work, movement, sleep, routine, and supportive relationships. You’ll learn what peace actually feels like: fewer imaginary arguments, less scanning for their reaction, more presence, and a steady sense that you no longer need them to be different for you to be okay. If you’ve ever said, “I can’t move on until they apologize,” this is your turning point.

If this resonates, tap follow, share it with a friend who needs it, and leave a quick review to help others find the show. Your story might be the spark for someone else’s freedom.

Transcript

The Illusion Of Closure

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Hello, it's Dr. Donna and welcome to another episode of my podcast. Today we're going to talk about the illusion of closure. Why an apology rarely brings a peace that a person is waiting for. So as we talk about this need for apology, hoping that it brings closure, remember that there's more than one conversation here. That apology. That moment where the other person finally understands what they did and says the right words. That's really what people are looking for, right? To be acknowledged, to be seen and to be heard. A lot of people believe if they would just acknowledge it, I could finally move on. But really it isn't that simple, but that's what people believe. People also believe if they apologize, I'd feel at peace. And also they believe if they explain themselves, this would stop hurting. That's what we're hoping. We often want to intellectualize our pain. But it doesn't always work that way. And I can tell you from being in this work for 25 years personally and professionally, apologies don't really bring the closure. And I will go into detail in this podcast why. And while that sounds reasonable, hoping for this is often not true. Because closure, when outsourced to another person, becomes an illusion. Because we're looking for the person who hurt us to heal us. And you can't get healed where you got hurt. You just can't. A lot of people think they can, they think that they're getting it at the source, but it doesn't work that way. So today I want to talk about why apologies don't always heal, why closure rarely comes the way we imagine, and how real peace is actually created internally, not relationally. So real peace is internal. That is something to remember. You if you can remember that, you will get farther. Okay, let's talk about why we crave closure. The desire for closure is deeply human. It's something that also we are hearing over and over as we go on about life how important closure is. People want it at the end of a relationship, a friendship, um, any situation, right? But when something ends suddenly, painfully, or without explanation, the nervous system wants resolution because you want it to stop hurting, you want to stop being dysregulated, right? So the nervous system wants meaning, it wants to know why, you know, thinking that if there's a meaning behind it, it will feel better. Wanting coherence, wanting that connection, wanting it to make sense, right? Coherence and safety, wanting to feel safe, thinking closure will help me to stop feeling vulnerable and I will feel safe again. Closure feels like it would provide that, but it doesn't. An apology feels like validation, but often apologies can feel so empty. And and often when people apologize, the person's like, that's it, because you're looking for something bigger, but the person is giving the apology that they're capable of giving. So that is why you can't go back to the person who hurt you looking for them to heal you, because it depends on the level of their growth. And I've had people say, Well, don't they know that they hurt me? It's like they may know it, sometimes they do, but a lot of times they don't, unless you tell them, and it still may not resonate, right? Because they're thinking, no, I'm just speaking my truth. So you want someone who is not at your level of awareness or healing to give you a quality apology. So a final conversation could feel like you're getting control back, but it doesn't. It doesn't give you that. But underneath the craving for closure is usually something deeper, right? It's a desire to feel seen. A desire to feel that what happened mattered. A lot of people just want to be seen, especially if they didn't feel seen growing up. And they want to know that you understand the impact that what happened mattered. A desire to feel that pain, that the pain wasn't pointless. A lot of people are like, okay, I could tolerate the pain if you make it make sense. But pain is pain. You know, it's just like when you lose someone, it doesn't make sense, or even if it does make sense, they had a situation they died, it's not gonna give you closure or peace. It doesn't, you can't intellectualize pain. And that's understandable that people will want this. The problem is when we believe another person must provide that healing. And again, don't go to the person who hurt you to heal you. It they could probably make matters worse, right? Traumatize you even more. So let's talk about why apologies often don't bring peace. Many people finally get the apology they wanted and still feel empty. Have you ever had an experience like that? I have. And why? Because apologies do not repair nervous system injury. They don't. They don't undo the betrayal, they don't undo restore or they don't undo safety, you know, they don't restore safety, they don't rewire attachment wounds. And so looking for that apology to be the big thing, and you know, I've had people call and say, What are they gonna apologize? I'm like, you know, something might, or I could give a yes or no, right? But I tell them you're gonna be disappointed, and they hate to hear that because we are taught apologize, apologize, right? But maybe they don't want to apologize. And so what I was saying before, often apologies are limited by the person's capacity. Some people apologize to relieve their own guilt, not because they're sincere. Often it's like that. Or they go, I'm sorry, mate, you feel that way, I'm sorry you took it that way, right? Some apologize but continue the same behavior. And some never apologize at all. I did a podcast a while ago how time is not apology. A lot of people think, I just let time pass, I forget about it, and we'd be cool again. And I've had people do that to me, and it's like it doesn't work that way, right? And so some people never apologize at all. Waiting for peace from people who couldn't protect you in the first place is a fragile strategy, it's a dangerous strategy. And I know you're looking for I don't want this person to hurt me anymore, I want them to understand, but never look for peace from someone who couldn't protect you in the first place. You will be disappointed. So let's talk about the fantasy of if they just knew. Right? A lot of people have that fantasy. A common belief is if they truly understood how much they hurt me, they had changed. A lot of people look for that. Grown-ups, people of all ages, right? We think that if people understand the pain that they inflict, that they would change. But awareness does not equal capacity. Remember, people have their own wounds, their own trauma, some are narcissists, some just lack empathy, some are awful people, and they're not gonna really care like you hoped they would. They just won't. And so awareness does not equal capacity. They might know it. Many people know exactly what they did. Don't think they don't, they do. And they just go well, or I hope time pass, or they skip over it, and they're like, Well, I've been hurt by somebody, I had to get over it. They just get over how I hurt them, right? So they just don't have the emotional maturity to repair it. So that is why you don't go back to the person who hurt you, hoping that they can give you peace. It just won't happen. And some people will never validate your experience, they just can't, and they won't. So please stop yourself from looking for it. Not because it wasn't real, but because acknowledging it will require them to face themselves, and then they have to face that, hey, I hurt someone when they spent their whole life saying I'm a good person, I don't hurt people, people hurt me. They will have to start to feel like a bad guy. Nobody wants to feel like a bad person. And acknowledging that you're inflicting pain on someone is huge, especially if the person who inflicted the pain have their own wounds that they haven't healed, they're like, I've been hurt, nobody's seen my hurt, and I gotta see somebody else's. You know, so don't look for that. Whatever you do, stay away from that. So it doesn't mean that you imagine the harm, it means that you outgrew the relationship. And that's important of understanding that some people will never validate your experience, not because it wasn't real, but because acknowledging it would require them to face themselves and they can't. Some people just can't. And so don't look for people to be who they are. That goes back to my other podcast of control your expectations that you have for other people. And it's an expectation to expect people to know that they hurt you and to apologize in a way that would resonate with you, in a way that you think would calm your nervous system. So let's talk about how closure is not a conversation, it's a decision. Here's the truth most people don't want to hear. Closure is something you choose, not something you receive. And a lot of times you have to do closure without the apology. I know a lot of people say, Well, I can't move on, I can't move forward without that apology. But then you can be waiting forever. And what about the person never apologized? You miss out on your life, you miss out on your goals, your dreams, the the doors that are trying to open up for you. That's what happens. So that's why you have to choose closure even when you didn't get the apology. And I see the post on social media talking about that apology make a difference. I call baloney. Because I've never in 25 years, and I've talked to thousands of people I've coached and done readings for, ever had somebody say, you know what, that apology satisfied me. At least they tried. Never heard it once. So keep that in mind. So closure is something you choose, not something you receive. And in the moment you stop waiting for permission, understanding, remorse, accountability from someone who may never offer it, closure happens. Okay, closure happens when you say this this experience mattered, even if they never admit it. That is important. When you say, I don't need their agreement to validate my pain, you don't need somebody else to validate your pain. You know what's real for you. I can stop reopening this wound, and that's what it is. And this isn't even about forgiveness, this is self-protection. This is what happens when you give yourself closure and not try to get it from the person who hurt you. You're able to stop reopening the wound, and that's what matters. Okay, let's talk about trauma bonds, how they keep closure out of reach. And a lot of people have been hurt by someone that they're in a trauma bond with. A lot of times people don't even know that they're in a trauma bond, right? We're just now starting to talk about this stuff and understand this stuff more. When trauma bonds are involved, closure feels impossible. Because trauma bonds are fueled by inconsistency. You know, a lot of times when you're in a trauma bond with someone, it's just all the dysfunction, but you are looking for them, right, to heal you or to be something that the person prior to them hurt you didn't become. Um intermittent reinforcement. You just kind of reinforce the pain. The emotional highs and lows. If you're always in highs and lows with someone, whether it's a friendship, romantic partner, family member, etc., coworker, it's a trauma bond. The nervous system stays attached, waiting for resolution. And that's the trauma bond. The nervous system is staying attached, waiting, just waiting for that apology to come. But trauma bonds don't resolve through conversation. They don't. They just don't. They dissolve through distance, regulation, and grief. You have to grieve. You have to grieve the pain, grieve what was done to you. And you have to take distance to protect yourself. That is so important so that you can regulate. That is necessary. So you don't break a trauma bond by understanding, you break it by creating safety. You have to make yourself safe. That's how you break a trauma bond. But a lot of people are looking for the person that they're in a trauma bond with to heal them. It'll never happen. And I'm gonna do a whole podcast on trauma bonds. I think that's important. So let's talk about grieving the apology you never get. Oh, this sucks, right? But you have to grieve the apology that you may never get. And grief, that's why I'm somatic. Grief culture is all forms of grief. It's not just about someone dying, but we have to let go of certain things, and that apology is one that you have to let go of needing and so that you can grieve it. And so you are doing that. One of the most important parts of healing is grieving. Not just the relationship, but the fantasy. And that is so important to understand the whole fantasy of this person's gonna be a better person, they understand how they hurt me, they're not gonna hurt me again, are hoping that you made them a better person by them apologizing, by hoping that you impacted them. And a lot of times you're not gonna be able to impact them, and that brings its own pain. So the fantasy that they change, if only they apologize, I know that they changed, and I know a lot of people are waiting on someone to change. People pray for people to change, you know. People really invest in someone else changing, but really we can only change ourselves, and a lot of times changing ourselves comes with a lot of pain because we have to accept, you know, people for who they are, even if they're not who we want them to be. That is so important. Go back to my podcast prior to this when I talked about stop having expectations of other people. So, you know, you have to grieve that they finally see you. You have to grieve and say, I'm sorry, I understand now that you gotta let go that they're gonna say that to you. So you're grieving the fantasy that they have changed, that they have finally see you, that they say, I'm sorry, I understand now. That rarely happens, and sometimes it happens years later if the person has gone through counseling or therapy or rehab or whatever, but it's rare. Don't look for it because you hurt yourself more. That grief is real to be able to let go of the fantasy of someone changing. That is big time grief, and it could send somebody spiraling emotionally. And if you feel that way, definitely talk to a professional, save yourself. You know, but once it's honored, something shifts. Once you just let go of this, you stop chasing ghosts, you stop reopening the door, you stop asking questions that don't have answers, and your energy comes back to you. You stop with that hope, that hope that you know they're gonna be different and do different and not hurt you. That is so important to get to that place. So this is a form of grief, and a lot of us have had to grieve not getting that apology. You know, there's someone that I friended intentionally years ago, when I was still unhealed on Facebook. Yeah, you know, when Facebook first started, what is that, twenty years ago, something like that? And you know, they were a caretaker of mine and they were awful after my mother died. And I was shocked because they were nice to me. Why they're alive because they're my friend's mother, but you know, when my mother died and I live with them, I thought, oh, I'm gonna be loved and cared for, and they were awful. They isolated me, it was awful when I was pregnant, it was horrible. And I friended them just thinking, you know, they're gonna apologize, they're gonna say, I get it. And this person talks about spiritual stuff now, but they never said shit to me. You know, they say happy birthday, I'd be like, Happy birthday. And I I realized that the other day. I said, I friended this person with motive. You know, and I set myself up back then. I don't even think about it now until we're doing this podcast, right? And I said, I really thought that they were gonna say I'm a better person now that I get it. And you know, that was when I was 13 and 14. I'm now 55, but let's see, 20 years ago, I was like, what, 35, 36, somewhere around there, late 30s. You you know, there were still parts of me that I was still healing from that time, and I really thought, hey, you know, 20 plus years have happened, 22 years have happened, and there's no apology. This person is just acting like nothing ever happened. And they probably think, oh well, spiritual now, I'm absolved of all the harm I cause, of the abuse I cause. You'd be surprised how people think. And so this is why you don't hope for something that may not happen. Because more than likely it won't happen. And I'm glad now I can look and I'm just like, I can say, How you like me now? You know, there's a few times I've done that. It's like, hey, you thought I wouldn't amount to nothing. try because I was pregnant at thirteen and look at me now. And that's probably my way of saying a giant screw you but most of the time I just don't think about it. And that's a relief. Because for a long time I couldn't believe that that person would have been hurtful towards me. But they were. And they're never gonna own that and that's their stuff. They have to deal with it. That's their karma. So let's talk about what real peace actually looks like. Peace doesn't feel dramatic. It isn't cafetti falling or the clouds parting. It doesn't feel anything like that. It doesn't feel like you're all knowing or enlightened or everything's all good. Actually peace feels quiet. It feels like you know imaginary conversations are no longer needed. You don't need to replay what happened. You don't need to look for an apology. You're not focused on the hurt you're just healing yourself because sadly when somebody hurts us we have to heal it you know and them healing themselves isn't going to heal us. We have to do our own healing work. And peace also feels like being more present with yourself just loving yourself and being more aware and and able to take care of yourself and also it's about self-trust that's what peace is it's really about self-trust also trusting yourself trusting that you could get through whatever you have gone through and knowing that you're surviving. Yes there's been painful days and hard days but you are surviving and you're making it and so peace is when you no longer need them to be different for you to be okay. It's when you no longer need that apology you know they're not going to change you know they're not going to acknowledge how they hurt you you know they don't see you they don't hear you and you're like I don't need this anymore I am free. That's what it is and this is how you integrate and heal and this is nervous system regulation when you can get to that place. And this has nothing to do with forgiving them you only have to forgive them a whole separate story whole different situation. It's not about that it's really about you taking care of you and being honest with you. So we're gonna close this out if you're waiting for closure or an apology I want to say this gently your healing doesn't require their participation because they can't heal you only you can heal you remember the person who hurt you cannot heal you your nervous system doesn't need their words. The words may feel empty anyway they're not going to be aha it's like when people you know read quotes and they think they're gonna all of a sudden be healed and be okay. It doesn't work that way right so you don't need their words. Your heart doesn't need their explanation it doesn't your growth doesn't depend on their remorse because a lot of times even if they apologize they're not remorseful because they're like what's the big deal I said what I said deal with it right um sometimes the deepest closure is realizing I survived this yes if you're alive you have survived everything that you have gone through everything to this date you are a survivor even if it's been hard or painful sad or lonely you have survived it all and sometimes the deeper closure is realizing I learned from this you learned your strength you learned that you could take care of yourself that you can get through hard things and sometimes the deepest closure is realizing I no longer need to go back to the person who hurt me that's not defeat that is that beautiful thing called freedom it's freedom to not need somebody to make it right with you you can move on and move forward and you can take care of yourself. You know how to give yourself peace that's important and with that being said I want to say thank you for listening and hopefully this helps. Remember the Fixer in me who will always be a part of me does these podcasts hoping that it helps someone you know because you guys have been my gift along the way in my journey of life through work and life experiences and and I hope that somebody finds these podcasts helpful and valuable and thank you so much and I appreciate you listening and have a great day.