Playing Small Is Not Humility

Ever share a win and feel the air leave the room? We unpack the quiet ways people try to “humble” you—through phrases like “must be nice” or “don’t let it go to your head”—and why those nudges are often about their discomfort, not your character. Drawing from real stories and a somatic lens, we separate true humility from the pressure to disappear, and we map clear steps to protect your joy without picking fights.

We get honest about the conditioning many of us received: be grateful but not confident, succeed but not too much, stay agreeable so others aren’t threatened. That training breeds self-abandonment—hiding wins, second-guessing your worth, and shrinking your presence to keep relationships steady. We break down how insecurity seeks relief by minimizing others and how your body signals that reflex: tight throat, collapsed posture, a sudden urge to justify yourself. Then we reframe it: your expansion does not endanger connection, and if it does, those aren’t your people.

You’ll learn practical responses that keep you grounded—reducing emotional access to unsupportive voices, changing the subject, holding your truth without over-explaining, and choosing rooms that celebrate growth. We also clarify the difference between self-anchored humility and forced humbling: one is about being kind and steady, the other demands you dim your light to soothe someone else’s shame. Come for the validation, stay for the strategies that help you stop playing small and start living fully expressed, embodied, and alive.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome And Topic Framing
• 1:01 What “Be Humble” Often Really Means
• 3:16 Subtle Phrases That Shrink Your Joy
• 6:35 Why Insecurity Polices Confidence
• 10:53 Conditioning That Teaches Us To Play Small
• 15:35 True Humility Versus Forced Humbling
• 18:23 The Personal Cost Of Shrinking Yourself
• 20:29 Somatic Signs And Nervous System Cues
• 22:01 Responding Without Shrinking And Setting Boundaries
• 24:09 Stories Of Envy, Projection, And Letting Go
• 26:31 Closing Reminders: Grounded, Not Invisible

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hello, it's Dr. Donna and welcome to another episode of my podcast whole talk in psychic advice. When insecure people try to humble you, why humbling is often just asking you to play small. Yes, that's our topic for today. Um I've seen posts like that online a lot. I don't really hear that from clients, you know, but I see posts online where people are talking about some people need to be humbled, and then I read farther and I realize, oh, they want people to play small. And I know there's been times in my life when I've been asked to play small, and I'm sure you have probably been asked to play small, you know, not to be so happy about your success, you know, be modest about it. And so today's podcast, we're gonna talk about this topic because many people feel feel it but rarely name it. And let's be very clear from the beginning, not all humility is harmful, but forced humility, especially when it's directed at your joy, growth, or success, is often about control, projection, and nervous system discomfort, not spiritual wisdom. So don't let people fool you. But I'm gonna tell you a side note successful people don't ask other people to play small. Happy people don't ask other people to play small. You never hear that from successful people to be humbled. That is rare. They say be humble, be down earth, as far as being nice and kind, but not you shouldn't be proud of your accomplishments. So for many people, humble yourself doesn't mean stay grounded, it means play smaller so I don't have to face my own wounds. That's really what it means when people are wanting to humble you. If you ever felt guilty for your happiness, and you know some people make you feel guilty for being happy or uncomfortable sharing good news. Have you ever wanted to share good news and you think, should I post that or should I tell this person or that person? Um that's a concern, right? Because you know that person's not going to be happy for you. Or you're wondering if you post it on social media, they're gonna be like, Oh, you're bragging. But I notice that the people who accuse people of bragging, they want to be the only ones to have good news. So often, you know, have you ever felt pressured to downplay your success? You know, your accomplishments when you've worked so hard for something, or have you ever felt subtly criticized for confidence, or told you're too much, or you're getting ahead of yourself. If you've ever been told these things, this episode is for you. And it's sad, but unfortunately, I think many of us have been told this at one time or another. I used to be told that I was too much. And I'm like, Really? I'm introverted, but whatever. So let's talk about what humbling looks like in real life. Insecure humbling is rarely obvious. It's usually disguised as the person saying, I'm just being honest. You know, have you heard people say that? I'm just being honest. Or they say, Don't let it go to your head. Stay humble. You've changed. Or my favorite one, must be nice. That is so rude to me to say it must be nice because that makes light of a person's hard work. It's making it seem like they were just given the success and they didn't pay the price for it. Or not everyone gets that lucky. A lot of people do equate success with luck. Especially if they have been working hard and not accomplished something and they see someone else successful, they call it luck. But luck has nothing to do with it. It's really that person has been planting seeds, doing their inner work, laying the groundwork, you know, the foundation for their success. So luck is an illusion and it's just like a it's really kind of rude to say somebody's just lucky. Maybe if you're playing the lottery or something, you're just lucky, but your real success, no, that's hard work. And just don't forget where you came from. You know, we expect that of famous people, especially for them to not forget where they came from, or anytime somebody rises, right? Or you know, they came from humble beginnings. But on the surface, these comments sound neutral, but energetically they carry a message, and that message is your growth makes me uncomfortable. That's really what it's saying, right? True humility is self-anchored. That means that you are just naturally a down-to-earth, calm person. That's what it means to be self-anchored, or if you're outgoing, you're still nice, you're still kind, and you don't put people down. That's what self-anchored humility is. Now, force humility is totally different because it asks you to shrink your joy. You know, don't be as happy, downplay your achievements, apologize for confidence, dim your excitement, soften your visibility. That's what external humility looks like. Because very few people are gonna say, oh, you're not nice enough, you need to be humble. They're gonna say, Oh, you're bragging too much, you need to be humble. You think you're all that, you need to be humbled. So this is not wisdom when people tell you to shrink your joy or downplay your achievements or apologize for your confidence or dim your excitement or soften your visibility. This is insecurity reacting to expansion. The person who is succeeding is expanding. They're being more, and it's making some people uncomfortable. So, why do insecure people do this? Insecurity is a nervous system state. When someone sees you driving, it can activate an insecure person and start comparing themselves to you. And if they feel less than you, they gotta put you down to kind of justify their feelings and to make it seem like you're not as great as you are. Um, insecure people will shame. It's due to shame and unresolved failure, and this fear of inadequacy. That's why insecure people do this stuff because they grew up with shame, they feel shame, they didn't work through what they failed at in life or what they didn't follow through with. Um, the fear of inadequacy, unprocessed grief for the life they didn't build. A lot of people will not create the life that they want, and they'll be mad at you for going after your dreams, especially if you have more obstacles than what they have. A good example is that is that I was a teen mom. I have my son when I was 13, and I still went on to college and got a doctorate degree, and you know, people would try to make light, and they go, Well, you're a chiropractor, not a medical doctor, right? They gotta find something wrong. They're like, Okay, you know, or they gotta find something wrong. So the happiness that you have becomes a mirror for them. Instead of them facing their own pain, their nervous system looks for relief. And so instead of facing what they didn't follow through on or what they didn't heal to become who they want to be, they have to find some justification. So their nervous system looks for relief, and that relief often comes through minimizing you, right? Questioning your worth, framing your success as arrogance, that's a common one, calling you arrogant, reasserting hierarchy, trying to make it seem like they're still better than you. And this is not conscious cruelty, it's unconscious self-protection, but it could feel like conscious cruelty, right? They're thinking of being so cruel, but what I've learned about insecure people is that they're so triggered because they don't see their own greatness for whatever reason, right? Whatever trauma, whatever upbringing. And because they can't see their own, they're just gonna and they're negative towards themselves. They have a lot of self-criticism, low self-esteem. They're just gonna project that onto you, and they just do it so naturally, and it's really weird how natural it is for them. They don't even feel bad, you know? So it's unconscious self-protection when they minimize you or frame your success as arrogance or question your worth so that they don't feel bad. Your expansion threatens their internal equilibrium, they're getting triggered by you as you grow. And I think we all have people in our world, right? If it's family or friend, or co-worker, or or even a romantic partner, you'd be surprised how many people are romantically involved with someone who's jealous of them. So they try to restore balance by bringing you down rather than rising themselves, right? They bring you down instead of bringing themselves up. And and that's insanity, but that's really what it is. So let's talk about the trauma and social conditioning behind playing small. Many people were taught don't outshine others, right? You know, be successful, but don't be too successful, don't make other people feel bad. You know, that's the conditioning, right? Don't make people uncomfortable. But can we really be responsible for somebody else's comfort or discomfort? Unless you're being outright bully, you're not responsible for somebody else's discomfort. Don't think too highly of yourself, you know, be modest. And that's how we turn into a society with low self-esteem and low self-worth. Being told don't think too highly of yourself, don't outshine others, and you even play down your own success. Be grateful, but not confident. You know, and confidence, people turn it into if you're confident, you're cocky, you're arrogant. No, you're just comfortable. You decided to be comfortable. To me, confidence is saying I've had enough of feeling bad, I don't want to feel bad, I'm just gonna accept myself. Confidence isn't like I'm the biggest person in the room and I'm smarter and better or any of that. It's not that. It's just saying I'm tired of feeling bad. And they want you to stay agreeable. And maybe you have realized that you've done these things. Be you know, and this is part of playing small. If you ever done this stuff, it's really sad. But a lot of people will be like the first successful person in their family, and they don't feel like they can really celebrate it. You know, maybe they're the first one to graduate from college or to get a master's art doctorate or you know, become a doctor or attorney, or you you know, do something great, right? And they don't feel like they can really celebrate it because it's gonna shake their family up and it's gonna make them feel uncomfortable. So, especially women, healers, sensitive people, and those who marginalize are traumatic backgrounds, often play small. Very, very common that people from these backgrounds play small. You often have learned, right? You have learned, don't do visible. I be punished, right? That's why some people don't post what they really want to post on social media. And, you know, because someone will attack you, even someone who you think is a friend will attack you. And so or you know, you won't promote your product or your course or your business because you don't want to hear someone say, There you go, there goes another person selling something. All businesses sell. No matter what field you're in, even if it's government, my utility company sells. We have to use a utility company, right? They still sell, they still do commercials. You know, so everybody sells. So, you know that feeling of if I succeed, I'd be resented. You don't want to lose people, you don't want to lose friends. You you don't want people to resent you or hate you. So you play small, you delay your goals, your dreams, your success. You do delay, you're delaying your your calling. That's what you're doing when you play small. If I'm happy, I'd be abandoned. And yes, a lot of people don't like happy people. They like mediocre people, people who are neutral, just a little bit happy and a little bit thankful and grateful, but not too happy because then they want to knock it down. So when someone tells you to be humble, it activates old conditioning. Your body remembers rejection. You're like, I'm gonna get rejected, so I'm just gonna be humbled. You remember shaming or being cut down or being ostracized, and you don't want those things to happen. So this is why humbling comments can land so deeply. They don't just criticize the present, they feel the past, right? You feel your past, and you feel the conditioning that you were told to play small. Some of you were told, don't outshine your sister or your brother, don't make them feel bad by your own parents. It's like what the fuck? You know, excuse my language, but no, don't excuse my language. Seriously. What the F but sometimes we do it to our own kids or you know, don't outshine your cousins or you know, we do this stuff in families. And it's insane. So let's talk about the difference between true humility and force humility. Let's clarify this clearly with true humility is. You can be confident and have compassion for other people and y you know, in life, and you know, true humility doesn't require shrinking. You know, you should never have to shrink or act like your success isn't real. And true humility is rooted in self-trust. You trust yourself, you trust who you are as a person. You don't let people shake your foundation. Okay, let's talk about forced humbling. That's what people are doing, right? There is externally imposed somebody from the outside who don't even really know you, or they just want you to play small is trying to humble you. You know, sadly, sometimes we know people, you know, that try to humble you, and it emerges from insecurities. People who try to humble you are insecure people. Confident people would never want to humble you. It frames confidence as arrogance, right? If you're confident, you're arrogant. No, when you're confident, you're just saying, I'm sick of being mad at myself or disappointing at myself. I just want to love myself. And forced humbling requires you to play small. And forced humbling seeks emotional regulation through control. It's saying, I won't fix myself, but I tell you to be humble. And that's how they're trying to regulate their emotions. That's what it is. But true humility is I am grounded and aware. Force humbling says, tone it down so I can feel okay. Right? When somebody tells you to tone it down, they don't like your energy. Or you know, there's this new thing when we say that loud people are loud because they have trauma. Not necessarily, you know, a lot of people, yeah, there's some people who are loud because they want to be seen and want to be heard, but some people are just more outgoing and more bubbly and more vibrant, and it's not that they have trauma and they're acting out. So if your joy has to be edited to be accepted, that's not humility, that's self-abandonment. So when you play small, you are abandoning yourself. I'm gonna say it again. When you play small, you are practicing self-abandonment. That's what you're doing. So let's talk about the cost of playing small. When you accept force humbling, that means when you play small, you begin to silence your excitement. Can't be too happy. I don't want to upset anybody. You hide your wins, you just keep it to yourself. And some people are so sad because they don't get to share their success. You know, you second guess your worth. You do. You dim your own intuition, you don't even like trust your intuition anymore when you're playing small. You second guess and you end up scattered and all over the place. And you stay energetically constricted, you don't let your energy expand and grow and show all of who you are as a person. You start hiding yourself, and so over time playing small leads to resentment. You start resenting people in your life, loss of identity, you don't even know who you are anymore. Creative stagnization, you're not gonna be as creative because you're playing small, burnout because you're not being authentic, you're not living in your truth, and spiritual disconnection, you will become disconnected from yourself. Your body knows when you're shrinking to be safe, and eventually it protests. Your body will protest, your soul or will protest your spirit guys to say, Hello, this is not good. You can't play small. So joy suppressed becomes anxiety. That is true. Suppressed joy becomes anxiety. Confidence denied becomes depression. Expression blocked becomes illness. Your expansion is not the problem. Suppression is the problem. Do not suppress who you are, do not self-abandon. So let's talk about a somatic perspective of how the body responds. When someone tries to humble you, your body may feel a drop in energy. You know, tightness in the throat, collapse in your posture, you just kind of shrink. Sudden self-doubt. Yeah, you start second guessing yourself when you were just fine a moment before. Uh urge to explain or justify. That's definitely something that happens. These are what we call the fawn, F-A-W-N responses. Your nervous system is asking, is it safe to be seen? Healing involves noticing, not obeying that reflex. A somatic reframe is my expansion does not endanger connection. You expanding should not endanger your connection with other people, and if it does, they're not your people. You have a a spiritual right to expand. Your success does not require apology. Never apologize for your success. You worked for that. Your joy does not need permission. Hello. Your growth does not require consensus. You don't need other people's permission or approval. So how to respond without shrinking? This is important. You don't need to confront everyone. And that because that's energetically training. You don't need to prove yourself. Only to yourself do you need to prove yourself. You don't need to dim your light. You know? You don't have to dim your light. And sometimes the most powerful response is regulated presence. What is that, regulated presence? It often includes change the subject, reduce the emotional access. You don't have to deal with those people. Stop talking to them. Stop dealing with them. Hold your truth quietly. You don't have to explain yourself. You can acknowledge your success without explaining yourself. That's how you regulate your presence. You be unapologetically you. And choosing environments that celebrate expansion. Remember, the five people that you hang around the most is who you become. And you may have to close some doors on some friendships, some relationships, maybe even your romantic partner, if they're asking you to shrink. You have to set boundaries and be around the right people. Because boundaries are not walls, they are energetic management. Not everyone gets front row access to your joy. They don't deserve it. And if you are happy, you have a right to be happy. You know, in this world, sometimes it's so hard to be happy, and happiness is a choice, and things get thrown at us in life, right? And if you can manage to find your way to be happy, hold on to that. Don't ever shrink that or diminish that to keep other people comfortable. Those people haven't found their route to happiness yet. Because you know, we have to learn to be happy even when stuff is going wrong. We really do. And sometimes that's a challenge. But if you have joy or if there's something you're celebrating that you worked for, you don't have to shrink. And if you're around people who expect that of you, it's gonna hurt. But you gotta let go of certain people. You know, I went through a period where I let go almost everybody that I dealt with because they didn't want me to grow. They wanted me to be a pathetic teenage mom who was a loser. You know, they didn't want me to shine. And you know, I came out of the projects, I came out of many things, came off of welfare, came off of homelessness. And you know, it's weird how, you know, there are some people who only want to be around you if they think that they're better than you. And so when you start growing and shining, they get mad and they try to put you in your place, and if they can't, they'll walk away from you. It's very common. I I when I as I do this podcast, I can think of tons of stories in my life, and I bet you can too. You know, I remember one where I was hanging out with this girl. I worked part-time in the lab when I got out of chiropractic school. I was drawing blood, and she was out in the field doing the you know, the blood. And so we would cross paths and we started hanging out, and then she thought she was better than me because I had my chiropractic title, so I had the doctorate, but I was working in this lab, but I was working there because I needed health insurance and everything. And one day we're talking when I told her about my other work, and and I slipped and told her my salary. Never heard from her again. And I remember some conversations with her, she was always trying to be the better person. Like she would say her other friends were jealous that she was married and own a condo, and you know, they're having another baby because she got back with her ex, and you you know, so she's living a perfect life, and she wanted everyone to be jealous of her. And when she realized that I made more than her, never heard from her again, called her a few times, left messages, never heard from her again. I couldn't figure it out at first, and somebody pointed it out to me. And you know, there are people like that that will only deal with you if they think that they have more than you. And you have to you have to let go of those people because they will interfere with your growth. You will play small and you will constrict to keep them in your life, and you don't have to keep anyone in your life that shouldn't be there. So I'm gonna close this out. If you are happy, if you are successful, if you are growing, and someone asks you to humble yourself by shrinking, hear this. You're not arrogant for expanding, you're not selfish for thriving, and you are not wrong for being visible. Humility is about grounding, not disappearing. People who have humility are down to earth, easygoing people who are nice, kind, compassionate, and empathetic, and they're not playing small. There's a difference between humility and being humbled. When somebody wants to humble you, they want to shrink you. Don't do that, but do have humility. And so humility is about grounding, not disappearing. You can still show up with a powerful presence. You know, you were not meant to play small to keep others comfortable. That's not your job. You were meant to be fully expressed, embodied, and alive. That's the truth. And if you're going through this, get honest with yourself and get around the right people. You might have to change your whole circle. But you want to be around people who are clap for you. Like people in my life, they hold me accountable for my goals, and I hold them accountable for their goals. So I want to thank you for listening. And I want to also say remember, you're worthy and deserving of your happiness, growth, and success. Thank you for listening and have a great day.