The Dark Empath: When Empathy Is Used as a Weapon

Ever felt profoundly understood by someone who later used your words against you? We dig into the real meaning of “dark empath” and why empathy, without regulation and accountability, can become a tool for control. By tracing trauma roots and nervous system patterns, we show how emotional insight can shift from connection to leverage—and how to spot the difference before you’re swept into fast intimacy or subtle punishment.

Across this conversation, we ground the term with nuance: a dark empath isn’t a diagnosis or an automatic villain. It’s a pattern where high attunement meets low responsibility. We explore how inconsistent safety in childhood trains people to read the room for survival, why control can feel like safety to a hyper-vigilant nervous system, and how charm, mirroring, and sudden coldness create emotional whiplash. You’ll learn to recognize classic signs—love-bombing, quick intimacy, guilt framed as wisdom, and empathy withheld as punishment—along with the embodied cues that tell you your boundaries are being eroded.

We also clarify the differences between narcissists, classic empaths, and dark empaths, so you can navigate relationships with clarity rather than assumptions. From there, we offer practical tools: slowing disclosure, pacing connection, naming limits in simple language, and following through with consistent consequences. For those seeking growth, we outline a healing path built on somatic regulation, honest accountability, secure attachment practices, and the tough but liberating shift from intensity to safety. Understanding doesn’t mean tolerating harm; you can offer compassion while choosing distance. Real empathy is safe when it’s paired with consent, boundaries, and integrity.

If this resonates, share it with someone who needs language for what they’ve felt but couldn’t name, subscribe for future episodes, and leave a review with the boundary you’re committing to this week. Your story might help someone else find steadier ground.

Chapters

• 0:00 Setting The Stage: Dark Empaths
• 1:00 Defining Dark Empathy With Nuance
• 5:25 Empathy Without Regulation
• 9:00 Formation In Childhood Trauma
• 13:20 Nervous System And Control Patterns
• 18:00 Dark Empath vs Narcissist vs Empath
• 22:15 What It Feels Like To Be With One
• 26:10 Personal Story And Red Flags

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hello, it's Dr. Donna, and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today we're talking about a term that has been circulating a lot online, often sensationalized, misunderstood, and sometimes dangerously romanticized. That phrase is the dark empath. You may have heard it described as an empath who manipulates, you know, or a highly intuitive person who causes harm or someone who understands emotions and uses the knowledge against others. And while there's truth inside this definition, it is often presented without nuance, without trauma context, and without nervous system understanding. So today we're going to slow this down. We're going to talk about what a dark empath actually is and what they are not, how empathy becomes weaponized by the dark empath. Um, the nervous system patterns underneath, how to recognize dark empath dynamics, and how healing and boundaries fit into this conversation. So this episode is not about labeling people as villains. It's about understanding empathy without regulation. I love to explain things because y you know, we've gotten to the point where we are very black and white in society, it's either good or bad or right or wrong, and there's often a gray area. And sadly, in a spiritual community, you know, throughout the years I encountered people who now may be considered a dark empath, but I didn't know what it was. But I remember a lot of people throughout the years who would like manipulate their clients or people through, you know, readings or making them pay for things that they shouldn't pay for, you know, preying on their vulnerability because you have to remember people often get readings when they're vulnerable, not when everything's perfect, right? And especially if you've worked on a platform like I do, you hear a lot of tough stories. And my belief is that you can either decide to help somebody w deal with what they're going through, or you could take the information that you have found out from what they've told you and destroy them with it. It's either or in this case. And I remember when I first started doing readings, I was meditating and I heard this voice. And it said, if you ever, ever decide to hurt somebody intentionally, I will make you pay in a way that you would never understand. Um I will destroy your reputation, right? I will bring you to your knees and you know, I make sure you go to jail for it. Or I I just heard something really tough. And so where I would have never done that because that's not my character. I all I wondered, did other psychics ever hear something similar? Or other people who are healers or in a spiritual community? Because I remember hearing that. And I've seen people who have hurt people, you know, um, get in trouble, but you know, and boy, did they get in trouble? So I knew it to be true. And and because I've been through a lot of vulnerable things in my life, losing my kid and everything, there's no way I want to inflict harm intentionally on someone, but some people do because of their upbringing, right? We don't choose to be born and we don't really choose our parents. They're just saying, Oh, you choose your parents. But we don't get to choose the circumstances that we are born into, and so some people can't help that they were born in an abusive situation or neglect or something awful, or had a difficult parent, or a narcissistic parent, or you you know, you can't help those things, right? So you can't help how it affects you. And we've talked about how you know a person can become an empath, right, from growing up in a traumatic situation because they have to observe and and read people to stay safe and you know, walk on eggshells and to protect themselves. And then we talked about narcissists, how they can come out of the same upbringing, right? But they go to the other side of narcissism. And so the dark empath is in the middle here, somewhat. I would say they're in the middle, and so they are someone who got the empath side, right? But then they got the narcissist side also of manipulating and playing head games and doing dark stuff. So that is why they are called a dark empath. So let's talk more about what is a dark empath and what it is not. So let's start with a grounded definition. A dark empath is someone who has strong emotional awareness, they are very aware, they are tuned in, they can read others accurately. Sometimes they are the best damn psychics, too. You know, they can be creepy accurate, or great healers, and they understand emotional dynamics, they really do. And sometimes they have psychology backgrounds too. They got a degree in psychology, I've seen that a lot too, but they lack emotional regulation, accountability, or ethical restraint. They just don't care about ethics and they're not going to be accountable for their actions, so that's why they break boundaries and manipulate, and they are not emotionally regulated. So empathy alone does not equal kindness. We think it does, and we talk about this. Oh, people are unkind because they lack empathy. But you can have empathy and still be dangerous. And so it's very important to understand that. Empathy is simply the ability to perceive emotional states, right? That's all it is, is when you have empathy, you can feel, right? You can feel somebody's feelings, you can it it's not even compassion, empathy is different. And so remember, empathy is simply the ability to perceive emotional states. When empathy exists without nervous system regulation, secure attachment, self-awareness, or accountability, it can be used to control, shame, manipulate, or maintain power. And that's what happens, right? When people don't have the self-awareness or they're not accountable, they can do awful things to people. And so a dark empath is not a clinical diagnosis. You know, it sounds like one, but it's not. It's a and it's not automatically narcissistic. I feel like they toe the line between being an empath and a narcissist. And they're not necessarily evil or soulless, strangely enough. And the reason why is because some manipulative people, they're just very wounded people. And I don't make excuses. You know me, I'm not going to make excuses for poor behavior, but we gotta understand where it comes from so we can recognize it. When we ignore, you know, the foundation of where a person's behavior comes from, we can't catch it, we can't see it. We just judge it, but we won't know how to deal with it. And so they're not necessarily evil or soulless, and they're not someone incapable of healing, they actually can heal. It may take a lot of years in therapy. Some people believe even narcissists can heal if they just stay in therapy. And some I know some people I see them online, they're very open about being a narcissist. And I don't know if they're being manipulative by saying that, you know, but they are open about it. I see men and women admit to that. And so there are some people whose empathy develops in an unsafe environment. Well, basically, I think empathy does a lot of times develop from an unsafe environment, from a traumatic environment, but especially a dark empath. So how are dark empaths formed? Let's talk about that. That is important to understand. Dark empathy often develops in childhood, just like narcissism, just like being a regular empath. Many dark empaths grew up in an environment where emotional safety was inconsistent. You know, one minute they probably seen love and security, and the next minute the rug was pulled from under them because their parents flipped out or something, or you know, they just had a lot of inconsistent things happen to them, you know, growing up. They had to read moods to survive, just like empaths, right? Their caregivers were volatile, neglectful, are controlling. And sadly, you know, if you go online and you read posts, and I I purposely go online and read a lot of posts from people, a lot of people grew up in environments like that. They don't always become a narcissist or or an empath or a dark empath, but they grew up in that environment and they were harmed. And so you don't always end up being one of the three, a narcissist, an empath, or a dark empath from your upbringing. You could just grow up traumatized, right? And that's bad enough. Um they grew up where love was conditional, and a lot of parents sadly would be like, I don't love you if you don't get straight A's or if you don't act right, or you you know, um some people are guilted by their parents, told I don't love you if you don't act a certain way. So the nervous system adapted. They learned if I can read you, I can protect myself. And that's true in a lot of cases. I think that's why a lot of people who I come across who want to be a psychic so bad because they think that we could just prevent bad things from happening to us. We can't. I remember feeling like I could lose my son. I remember knowing that I was gonna get bit on the corner of my mouth by my sister's dog. We can't prevent everything, but people believe that they can. So people do believe if they can read someone, they can protect themselves from being harmed. Not always you can, sometimes. So if I can anticipate you and your behavior, I won't be hurt. That's what they learned. They also learned if I understand emotions, I can stay in control. Because a lot of people think control is safety, and it really isn't. Vulnerability actually becomes safety, you know, and you can feel safe and vulnerable. When you can feel that you can be vulnerable, you will become safe. That's how I should say it. Empathy became a survival tool, not a bridge to connection. For impasse, a lot of times it could be a bridge to connection, but for dark impasse, no, it's just a survival tool. And over time, this creates high emotional intelligence. They are extremely emotionally intelligent, but low emotional responsibility. They will not take responsibility for their behavior or for how they treat other people, they just put it on other people like you're not reacting right. Sorry you feel that way, but that's on you. You gotta fix your stuff, right? And they also learn to have strong intuition. I'm telling you, they are some damn good psychics out there who are dark impasse. And sadly, they have rare very, very weak self-regulation. They are not doing any work to regulate their emotions, so they can't change their behavior until they learn to self-regulate and deal with their trauma. So this is not a character flaw. It sure sounds like one, right? It does sound like one, but it's a trauma adaptation. You know me, I love to talk about trauma, be trauma-informed, somatic healing therapy, and I really want people to understand where things come from because it will help you to deal with people better, not be so affected by their behavior. You can actually brush some of this off better if you understand this. It's a trauma adaptation, it's not to condone it. So I'm not saying condone it by any means. I'm saying it's just so that you can understand it and how to navigate dealing with someone who is a dark empath. So let's talk about the nervous system of a dark empath. Let's talk about it. From a somatic perspective, dark empaths often operate from chronic sympathetic activation. They're definitely, you know, in flight mode, you know, they're hyper-vigilant, very much so. You know, they're on alert, they're paying attention, they're reading the room, they're reading people, they're trying to figure out who they can use and manipulate and take advantage of. And you know, they know what they're doing. And dark impasse often operate from control-based safety. They want to control. They gotta control people. They won't even be in relationships with people that they can control. If they can't control you, they're gonna dump you. They'll love bomb you as long as they can control you, but they will dump you in a hurry the minute that you stand up for yourself, you change, and they no longer can control you. Some people have had friends like that. I've had friends like that where they thought, oh well, you know, Donna's nice, Donna's passive, I can outsmart her, I can control her, and when they found out that they can't, they disappear. They just go, they go away. I'm sure a lot of us have experienced that. And dark impacts often operate from a fear of vulnerability, they don't do vulnerability. Uh-uh, and that's for the weak. You can't control if you're vulnerable. So their nervous system believes if I soften, I will be harmed if I'm soft. And they really do believe that. So instead of co-regulation with others, they manage people. And that's what they're doing. They're just managing people, they're not co-regulating or connecting or getting deep with people. They may mirror emotions strategically, they know how to do that. Have you ever talked to somebody and they're agreeing with you and they're mirroring you? You know, they may not be a dark empath, but still pay attention to that. It's like, what is this person doing? Do they have their own identity? They definitely have some trauma going on. Um, they may use emotional insight to gain leverage. They want to know about you and who you are so they can know how to use it against you later, how to manipulate you. They create intimacy quickly, they are love bombers, just like narcissists, and they will do it, and they will be fast friends, and you know, they definitely have that energy, and they withhold empathy as punishment, and so they just shut down on you, they won't have compassion for you, they gotta punish you, and then they make it your fault, and they alternate between charm and coldness. I'm sure you guys have seen this somewhere, often with a romantic partner, right? Sometimes people get involved with people like this, and they're like, I'm not quite sure what this is. Is this abuse because you know they're nice one minute? Are they a narcissist because they're mean? Another, I don't know what this is. And so pay attention to these signs. This is not empathy rooted in compassion, it's empathy rooted in threat management, right? People are a threat to the dark empath. So the dark empath is on high alert, they're hyperventilant, they're very intuitive, they can read people so that they can protect themselves. So let's talk about that difference between a dark empath, a narcissist, and a regular empath. I like to call empaths regular old everyday empaths because they're not dark. So let's clarify an important distinction. Let's talk about the regular empath. They feel others deeply. They often overgive. Think even people please. They struggle with boundaries, God bless empath, right? And they internalize other pains. And the reason why empaths will struggle with others' boundaries is because you know they feel so much, they don't know what's the person's stuff and what's their stuff, and because empaths can have unhealed trauma, they might be trauma-bonding. There's other things going on, right? And they don't want to be mean so they don't set boundaries. They want to be kind and loving, so they struggle with boundaries. And it's because they internalize other people's pain so much. I remember growing up I used to cry at other people's pain just at a drop of a hat. And you can't do that. You can have empathy, you could care, but you just can't fall to your knees over someone else's pain, or you'll lose yourself. Um, narcissists. They totally lack emotional empathy. They have none, right? They seek validation and power. They exploit without attunement. They just exploit, they do whatever they want. They dismiss others in a world. They don't care about you or how you feel. They've been through their stuff, so you just deal with yours, not their problem. Dark impasse. They understand emotionally c emotions clearly, but they feel selectively. It's when it benefits them and when they can control, right? They use empathy strategically. And they can c appear caring but remain controlling. And often you see that in abusive relationships. They love you, they care about you, so they gotta control you, they gotta make certain demands and manipulate, right? So dark empaths do feel, but feelings does not equal ethical relating. They feel they're just not ethical about it. The danger is not empathy, the danger is empathy without accountability. We must always have accountability for our actions, our behavior, for everything, right? And that's very uncomfortable for a dark empath. And some people just don't want to be accountable. They're like, I've been a victim. Why do I have to be accountable? I'm not wrong. And that's often how dark empath feels. So, what it feels like to be with a dark empath. Oh, if they've if you've been in a relationship with one, friendship, lover, parent, someone, they you start to often say this. People who have been in relationships with dark empaths often say they understand me better than anyone else, you know. They knew exactly what to say. They can almost mimic your words, right? I felt seen and then suddenly dis diminished, right? I felt emotionally naked around them. They use my vulnerabilities later, and they will. Whether they're a friend, lover, even a parent, family member, you know, co-worker, they will do that stuff and they will bring you to your knees emotionally. It'll shock you. It's like you you didn't see that coming because you thought they were nice, that they're good people. So common experiences include emotional whiplash, right? You don't know if they're good, bad, positive, negative, what are they? Subtle invalidation. They do that back-handed compliment stuff, and it's like a subtle invalidation. It's so mild, you're like, what's happening here? Guilt framed as insight, intimacy followed by withdrawal. Yep. Feeling psychologically exposed, yeah, they will do that to you. So dark impasse don't lack connection, they control the flow of it. And so that is what they do, and they do well. And here's my example time. You know, I've had a lot of different friends throughout the years, and you know, some I feel like, gee, I really hit it off with them. And then the next moment it's like, oh, there's a red flag here that I think I missed. And there's one friend I just really adored, and we would have fun and we would laugh, and y you know, we we would hit it off, but I realized over time she was doing these things. Like one minute I feel like she seen me, heard me, understood me, and then next thing you know, she's using my validations against me or telling me something that someone said. She's baiting me, and they know what to say because they're smart and they're tuned in. And you know, it's a subtle invalidations, and they will guilt you in weird ways. You're like, Whoa, I didn't see that coming. And one minute you feel close to them and next minute they're isolating you. And I went through all these things. And it was really hard. I'm like, is this person a narcissist? And I'm like, no, no, not quite that, because they're kind of sweet and there were some good qualities. And when I really was around them, you know, going to events with them and hanging out with them, I could see it. And I said, They're not quite a narcissist. They are an empath. And I didn't really know this much about being a dark empath. I'm like, oh, they're somewhere in the middle. And I know why, because they had a lot, a lot of trauma in their upbringing. A lot, you know. They moved countries, just a lot of things happen. They had to flee certain places. I get it. But I'm like, okay, I still care for this person, so I don't hate this dark empath, but I know in small doses. And you might have some dark empaths in your life, or you don't totally hate them. You don't have to run from them and you might deal with them here and there, but you just keep them in small doses. Be busy. Be unavailable. You know, you might have to see them at a mutual party or gathering with other people. You do like it. So you just keep it light. You don't tell them anything deep. You know, people have to earn the right to know your vulnerability and deep stuff about you. And if they haven't earned it, you don't have to share it with them. So let's talk about why the term is often used and overused. Here's something important. Not everyone who is emotionally sharp and dysregulated is a dark empath. Remember, sometimes they're just traumatized. Many people labeled dark empaths are actually unhealed trauma survivors. That's it. That's it. They're not a dark empath, a narcissist, or even an empath. People with attachment wounds. Are individuals lacking emotional skills? That's all some people are in a lot of cases. They're not always some horrific person. Or their nervous system is stuck in protection. And pathologic pathologizing without context prevents healing. So don't do that. Don't assign a pathology to someone. We must be careful not to turn trauma responses into identity labels. But you know, a lot of times we think if we can label people, we know how to deal with them. And sometimes you may not have the label down, but if you notice the behaviors, you can know how to deal with them. So you don't, we can't diagnose a narcissist, right? Because that's a professional diagnosis from a psychologist or psychotherapist or psychiatrist. You know, someone along those lines, but you can see the patterns and say, okay, now I know how to deal with this person. A dark impact doesn't really have a clinical diagnosis, but you can see the behaviors and say I'm a step back. But you know, we throw terms at people that we gotta be careful not to do. So I'm just showing you what to recognize in people and know how to handle them. So can dark impasse heal? Yes, but only with willingness. They're gonna have to do a lot of deep inner work, deep trauma work, a lot of healing because some bad stuff went down in their lives growing up. And so healing requires nervous system regulation, which means healing trauma, accountability without shame. They won't take accountability because that equals shame, so they have to learn that they must take accountability. Learning emotional responsibility for their behavior, stop manipulating controlling, you know, developing secure attachment, releasing controllers' safety. Healing does not come from spiritual bypassing. A lot of people go to spiritual spirituality, right? And they will bypass, they think, well, I'm spiritual now, I don't have to heal my trauma, I don't have to heal anything. I'm a psychic, I help other people, I save the world, so that means I'm okay, I'm not as bad as I thought I was. So a lot of people in the spiritual community do bypass, they don't do their inner work, and you can do a lot of harm, just like a therapist. Well, a therapist is a terrorist, right? Because therapist should be in therapy. We all need therapy, and that's not a bad thing. So a healer should be healing themselves and doing therapy, and they might do it with a spiritual coach or something, but you got to do the work, you know. You still got to do the work, and so you can't heal from just being more empathic. A lot of people think, Well, I feel so much and I care so much for others. I'm not a bad person, I don't need to heal. Yes, you do. Identifying as intuitive, people will do that. Well, I'm intuitive, so I'm okay. A lot of us who are chosen to do this work have trauma. I did a lot of years of therapy, thank goodness. Um I think that us who are intuitive intentionally came from backgrounds who have trauma. We were chosen because we were meant to do the work, heal ourselves, and show people the way. So when you don't do the work, you can't facilitate, you can't show people the way. And you can't blame other people for your reactions. You have to own your feelings, your emotions, and your vulnerability. Empathy becomes safe when it is paired with regulation, consent, boundaries, and integrity. That is how empathy becomes safe. So let's close this out. A dark empath is not a monster. Sometimes they can act like one, but they're not one. They are someone whose empathy learned to protect rather than connect. They just use it for protection. That's why they use their, you know, empathy. But understanding does not mean tolerating harm. You understand it, but you don't have to tolerate it. You can still walk away from it. Or if you want to be around them, you're like, hey, you're gonna have to face some stuff. You can have compassion and boundaries, you can understand trauma and choose distance. You can honor empathy without sacrificing safety. Empathy without regulation is not love, it's survival wearing to intuition. So remember that. Empathy without regulation is not love. You can have empathy and be dangerous. So you want to go to therapy, you want to heal your trauma. So I want to thank you for listening and thank you for choosing nuance, and thank you for learning how safety, not intensity, is a foundation of real connection. So thank you for listening and have a great day.