Boundaries Over Burnout - How to stop overgiving and people pleasing

What if your kindness isn’t the problem—your safety is? We dive into the tender truth that overgiving and people pleasing are not moral failings but nervous system strategies built to keep us connected. I share how a lifetime of reflexive yeses can drain your health, your money, and your spirit, and why real change begins in the body, not just the mind.

Together we separate generosity from survival, exploring the subtle tells your body gives when a yes is really a no: the tight chest, the restless mind, the guilt that flashes when you consider putting yourself first. We unpack the fawn response, that appeasement pattern that says keep them happy to stay safe, and we challenge the spiritual myths that glorify self-sacrifice while shaming boundaries and rest. You’ll hear a candid story about financial overgiving, what it cost, and how reclaiming resources transformed my stability and self-respect.

If you’ve ever feared disappointing others, struggled to say no without guilt, or felt invisible in relationships that only take, you’ll find clear steps to shift from reflex to choice. Learn simple somatic practices to pause before committing, feel your embodied yes and no, and let others be disappointed without abandoning yourself. We also talk scripts for protecting your time, rebuilding trust with your own needs, and practicing receiving so support feels safe. Come away with language, tools, and a new frame: you don’t need to be less caring—you get to be more whole.

If this resonates, subscribe, share with someone who needs it, and leave a review to help more empaths and healers find these tools. Ready to go deeper? Visit drdonnalee.com for the quiz, free trainings, and the Burnout Healer community.

Transcript

Naming Overgiving Without Shame

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Hello, it's Dr. Donna and welcome back to my podcast Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today we're talking about something that affects so many sensitive, caring, intuitive people who are especially healers, empaths, and those of us who learned very early that love had to be earned. Today's episode is about overgiving and people pleasing. I always joke and say I am an overgiver in recovery, which I am, and I was an extreme overgiver. And I've had many wonderful clients throughout the years who are great people, and I would joke that they were overgivers, and I would say, you know, welcome to the group. I'm an overgiver in recovery. And you you know, a lot of people survived on being a people pleaser or overgiver because it's a trauma response, and that was a way to survive in life and to feel good when things were bad. So we want to talk about overgiving and people pleasing, not as a personality trait, not as a flaw, and not as something you need to shame yourself for. Because it's none of those things. Never be ashamed of being a people pleaser or overgiver. But this is what you need to know about being a people pleaser and an overgiver. It is an adapted survival strategy rooted in the nervous system. If you ever felt exhausted from giving too much, hard to say no, right? If you struggle to say no without guilt, if you feel responsible for other people's emotions, if you notice resentment building underneath your kindness, you know, sometimes we give too much and we become resentful because we know that we're giving way past our capacity, but yet we do it because of that trauma response of being an overgiver and a people pleaser. This episode is for you then. And I want to say this clearly at the start. There isn't. So please don't ever look at it as something is wrong with you. Your body learned these patterns of overgiving and people pleasing to keep you safe. That's what it was about. So let's talk about what overgiving and people pleasing really are and how healing begins. That is very important. You can heal from that. So what is overgiving? Overgiving is when you give beyond your capacity, beyond your boundaries, and often before you're even asked, people even know that you say yes, they know they can go to you. Haven't you ever been the go-to person, but you realize you had no one else that you can go to? So everybody can come to you, but you couldn't go to them. They were quick to say no to you, but they knew that you would say yes. So what does overgiving look like? Saying yes when your body is already exhausted, you already have enough on your plate. You're working, you're trying to take care of your own dreams and goals and your own life responsibilities. Then you say yes to helping somebody out, you know, giving time, energy, emotional labor, or money you don't truly have. I've been guilty of giving money to people who didn't even appreciate it when I really didn't have it. It should have been in my savings or my retirement. And you know, it's nice to help people. I know what it's like to be poor. I grew up poor, so I always wanted to help people, but you don't have to help people beyond your capacity to where you're hurting yourself. Have you ever helped somebody so much financially to where you didn't know how you're gonna make your own bills but you worried about somebody else's bills? That's overgiving. I've been there. So helping others while neglecting your own needs, you know, are you resting enough? Are you taking time to eat right, to exercise, to, you know, rest? Are you taking care of you to have your own fun in your own social life? Feeling responsible for fixing, saving, or soothing others. That is definitely a trauma response. You know, to be the fixer. Always joke that I'm a fixer in recovery, also. And saving people, you want to save them because you know what it's like to not be saved. You know that's very common. Continuing to give even when it costs your health, peace or joy. A lot of overgivers get really sick and they're like, I'm a good person. Why am I so sick? And it's because if you don't take care of yourself, your body will make you take care of yourself. So you got sick, you know, for many reasons, right? Sometimes well, you know the reason, but if you're an overgiver, you're being forced to know that you have to put yourself first. And it's unfair, you you know, to get a serious illness when you've been a good person, but life isn't fair, but we're always being shown that we have to put our needs first. You know, like when you're on the plane, they say, you know, if the oxygen mass drop, you put yours on first before you help your kid or you know, your loved one or anyone next to you. Because if you don't put yours on first, you won't be to help anybody else. You'll pass out. So think about it. When you take care of you, then what's left over in your overfilled cup is to help other people. And no, that's not selfish, and don't feel guilty, and manipulators will tell you you're selfish, right? When they can't use you or take advantage of you or they just cut you off. Let them cut you off. I'm gonna tell you something. This is a distinction about overgiving. Overgiving is not generosity. Generosity flows from abundance. Overgiving comes from survival. Know that difference that overgiving comes from survival while generosity comes from abundance. Overgiving is often driven by an unconscious belief like if I don't give I be rejected. Yeah, some people cut you off, they won't be your friend, family members will be mad at you, you you know, you'd be surprised, and some of you probably have experience this stuff. My value comes from being useful. I sure used to believe that. If I stop helping, I'd be abandoned. A lot of people try who have abandonment issues will do whatever it takes and not be abandoned. That's why they will fix their romantic partner and be there for all their friends, and they're the one person in the family that's making sure everybody's okay. I'm only safe if I am needed. Wow, that's some deep stuff, right? For many people, especially those with trauma histories, overgiving was the way they stayed connected. As children, you may have learned to read the room, to anticipate needs, to minimize your own emotions, to be good, easy, or helpful, right? Just be good. Don't make any noise, don't ask for nothing, don't complain. Yeah, that's what you're probably told, and that also makes some people empaths, right? They become an empath because of that. Your nervous system learned connection equals safety. So giving became your way of staying safe. That's how you created connection by giving and giving and being an overgiver to the point of being emotionally depleted. So let's talk about what is people pleasing. People pleasing is closely related to overgiving, but it focuses on approval and emotional safety. People pleasing looks like avoiding conflict at all costs. Struggling to express needs are preferences. Saying what others want to hear. Haven't you just seen people and you look at them, they're just like agreeing with somebody, and that person could be saying anything and everything, and you know that person, you know that they don't really believe this stuff normally, but they start agreeing with somebody who's saying something awful. That's people pleasing. Fear of disappointing others, right? Feeling anxious when someone is upset with you, changing yourself to maintain harmony. People pleasing isn't about being kind, it's about preventing threat. When your nervous system perceives disagreement, anger, or disapproval as dangerous, your body moves into appeasement mode, also known as the fawn response. This is a trauma response alongside fight, flight, and freeze. The fawn response says, if I keep you happy, I'll be safe. So people pleasing is not manipulation, it's not weakness, it's not inauthenticity by choice. It is a protective strategy learned from emotional safe when emotional safety wasn't agreed. So people pleasing is not manipulation. It may look like that to some people, but it isn't, and it's not a weakness, it's definitely survival, it's definitely a trauma response. And you know, always say the big difference between a people pleaser and overgiver is that people pleasers want approval from others, and overgivers want approval from themselves, but both rooted in trauma. But it runs deeper than that. That's why I'm explaining all the details here. So let's talk about the nervous system behind overgiving and people pleasing. Let's talk about the body. Because you cannot heal overgiving or people pleasing through mindset alone. You cannot. That's why I got into somatic healing. It makes a big difference with really healing, especially for overgiving and people pleasing. These patterns live in the nervous system. When your body has learned that love is conditional, conflict leads to danger, needs cause rejection, rest leads to punishment or neglect, your nervous system stays in hypervigilance. That's how people become hypervigilant. So they just people please, right? Um they don't want to rock the vote. Hypervigilance looks like constantly scanning for others' moods, feeling responsible for the emotional climate that you're in, tight chest or stomach when saying no. Guilt when resting, anxiety when choosing yourself, like oh my goodness, I put myself first. Is that a good thing? Who's gonna hate me for that? I can't put myself first, that makes me selfish, right? Your mind starts reeling. Overgiving and people pleasing are ways the nervous system tries to maintain attachment, reduce perceived threat, and avoid emotional abandonment. If you have been abandoned, you're gonna do whatever it takes to prevent that from happening. In your romantic relationships, especially, you put up with shit you shouldn't be putting up with. You know, a lot of people overlook stuff because they don't want to be alone. That's an abandonment issue. And they overlook their spouse lying, cheating, being verbally abusive, mismanaging the finances, you know, just being a hot mess and embarrassing to be around. They overlook all of that. And people say they won't, but they will because of their abandonment issues. So this is why you know you're exhausted but still say yes. You want boundaries but feel sick and forcing them. You understand intellectually, but your body resists change. That's important to understand. Healing requires help healing requires helping the body to learn that I am safe even when I don't give. You know what? Let people be disappointed because if you don't, you never get to love yourself and treat yourself first, and you become very resentful and you will get sick and let people be disappointed. That's how you know who should be in your life. I am safe resting, I am safe being myself. That's something you really want to understand. So let's talk about the cost of overgiving and people pleasing, because there is a huge cost, if you don't know that already. Let's be honest about the cost. It costs me financially, and when I stopped giving, that person showed me that they never cared about me in the first place, and I had to just cut them off and be done with it. But I learned something. I never gave money like that again. And when I stopped, guess what? I had enough money to buy a home in California. When I stopped taking care of other people who were capable of taking care of themselves, and you know what? I'm gonna tell you the story. This person was, you know, I knew for a long time. They dated my son, and I stayed in touch with them. And you you know, I really cared about their well-being because they're a great person, and you know, they were there with my son and they went through a lot, and you know, they dated and y you know, so I really love this person. When they went on and had a baby, they made me the bonus grandmother, and I really enjoyed it. I took him everywhere. I mean, I even went on to merry-round over and over yeah, you know, at Great America, I took him to the farm, I took him to the zoo, the fair, just everywhere and had a lot of fun. But her mother didn't like that, and her mother started turning us against each other. And I'm being honest about this because I'm tired of hiding and and making excuses. I don't even care if this person ever hears this and get angry. Well, I help pay for child care, like a thousand dollars a month. Think about it, thousand dollars a month. What could you do with an extra thousand dollars a month? Well, I found out that this person had money, but they were using mine so that they could just keep theirs, but they had me think that they're pro because I confronted them. They said, you know what, we could just part ways. I said, Okay. And they were shocked because they didn't think I would agree. They thought that I would not question them because I loved being a bonus grandmother. And I said, if you want to part ways, we can. I said, Sure, I love you, but it I'm not gonna tolerate no mess. I'm not gonna be used. And, you know, I did this for three years, so think about that. That's thirty-six thousand plus. You know, I bought all sorts of clothes and baby stuff, loved it, you know. There's a chance to be a bonus grandmother. My son didn't leave me with any grandkids. Um, and they were shocked when I cut that relationship and I said, Look, my grandson would find me again and I would tell them everything what happened. They will know everything, they will know the truth because I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, that isn't what I do. But for now, if you're gonna take 'em away, I'm not gonna stop you, I'm not gonna beg, 'cause I don't chase people. And that person never apologized, never spoke to me again. And I talked to other people related to this person since and it's like it is what it is, but you know, when I stopped doing that, my money grew, my abundance grew, and next thing you know, I was buying a brand new built home. So, you know, when you help people really find out if they need the help. It's different. Like if you see someone homeless, fine, you give them money, fine. You know, that's different. But people who you know, you your gut is telling you something's off, find out what it is. That's how I figured it out. And I knew it was gonna be a big risk, but I did it and I felt I didn't feel bad about it. So let's go back to talking about the honest cost of being an overgiver and a people pleaser. It often leads to burnout. You are just tired. Some of you guys are young and tired, you know, chronic fatigue, resentment, loss of identity, emotional numbness, health issues, a spiritual disconnection. You don't even know who you are because you're in that trauma response. Many healers and empaths burn out not because they care too much, because they were never taught how to receive. You know, healers are the worst receivers. They're great people, they want to help people, they want to serve, you know, they've had things change in their life, but they still need to work on receiving. I know. I've been there and I've seen it with my peers. So you may notice that you feel invisible, that you attract people who take but don't reciprocate. You will feel trained after helping. You feel guilty wanting more for yourself because you're supposed to save the world, right? And over time the body begins to protest, and it will. Burnout is not failure, burnout is communication, it is a nervous system saying that this is not sustainable. And that's what I learned throughout the years that overgiving wasn't sustainable. And even if you are a people pleaser is not sustainable because you're sacrificing yourself, you cannot continue that way. And so why let's talk about why overgiving overgiving is often spiritualized. Oh my god, you're a spiritual, loving, kind person. You gotta overgive and save everybody and be kind and loving and you know, float through the the daisies and just give, give, give, and you know, you don't want to ever take because you'll be greedy and you don't want to charge because that's some greed. And you you know, I always ask people when you see someone spiritual and you see them giving, giving, why do you think they don't deserve to receive? And they go, because they're spiritual. And I'm like, so is that why some people don't choose spirituality? Because they don't want to give, and it's like, that's not spirituality. And you know, I'm gonna have to do a podcast on what spirituality is and what I've learned over these past, you know, twenty seven so years about spirituality. So the reason why overgiving is spiritualized, and this part is important, especially in spiritual spaces. Many people were taught being selfless is holy, right? Religious people are taught that spiritual people, you know, and the closer you want to get to God, the more you gotta give. You gotta be a mother Teresa or a Dalai Lama, and sacrifice equals love. I love my family. I was sacrificed for them. Rest is laziness. Oh, why are you resting? You don't care, you're lazy. Boundaries are unspiritual. That's mean having boundaries, right? One more selfish and greedy. But spiritual bypassing keeps people stuck in overgiving. That's what it does. That's when you bypass and you don't understand spirituality, you'll be stuck in overgiving and people pleasing. True spirituality supports embodiment, truth, boundaries, reciprocity, nervous system safety. You're not here to martyr yourself. You're not here to suffer. You're here to live fully, safely, and sustainably. You get to enjoy. You know, we we joke about preachers and stuff, you know, having all this wealth that some of them are stealing from the church, right? But some of them have jobs outside of that, and some of them are selling books and you know, traveling and doing talks, and they're making money in a legitimate way. But, you know, we have this projection that if you're a man of God or a woman of God, that you should take a vow of poverty, and you should just give and give and be exhausted, and that's just not so. You know, and people may disagree, but think about it. Then that's saying that if you don't take a vow of poverty, you can't be a good person. So you you know, you gotta embody being a whole healthy person who has done the inner work. That's what embodiment is, and having Balance in your life. So, what healing actually looks like. Healing, overgiving, and people-pleasing is not about becoming cold, selfish, or uncaring. No, it's about shifting from survival to choice. Healing begins when you learn to feel your body's yes and no. That's part of embodiment and healing. You feel it, your gut saying no, and so you don't overwrite it and say yes. And you know when to say yes, but say yes to yourself. You pause before responding. That's healing. You notice sensations instead of overwriting them. Because when you have abandonment issues, you will overwrite that gut that says you need to say no. Because your unhealed stuff will always overpower you. You practice receiving without earning. You can't manifest, you can't be abundant if you don't feel safe receiving. You know, people are thinking, well, good, it'd just be given to me. No, not if you're not open to receiving. You allow discomfort without self-abandonment. It's okay if someone's mad at you. I I tell you over the years, as I've done my healing work, I've made a lot of people mad at me. It's like that's fine. I just know you're not for me, and yeah, sometimes it stings. But you just move forward and life gets better without certain people. So this is slow, gentle work. Somatic healing helps your body to learn that boundaries don't equal danger, that rest does not equal rejection, that your worth is inherent. A simple starting practice, okay? Before saying yes, pause and notice your body. Is it tight? You know, because tightness is information, fatigue is communication, resistance is wisdom. Your body already knows the truth. If we could just sit for a moment and not get caught up in the noise of other people and the trauma that we've gone through, and of course you have to do healing work to not get caught up, and practice makes it easier, right? But if you could hear yourself and know that you're worthy of your own wants and desires, so that you don't spend your life saying nobody cares, you have to give people space to care. Overgivers and people pleasers don't give people space to care about them. Because you do that through boundaries, you teach people how to treat you. When I really got that boy, did life get easier and sweeter, and it made manifesting easier, and I became unapologetic. And you know, there's always going to be people who want from you. And it's okay to give, but always within reason. Ask yourself, do I really have this money to give? Because you know, you can say people borrow money, but a lot of people don't pay back money that they borrow, right? So, you know, only bar loan it or give it if you are willing to lose it, right? So make sure you can lose that money. If you don't have the time, don't commit to it. Yeah, you know, because I'm a spiritual coach, I will get messages all the time saying, Do you have an hour just for coffee? You know, I treat you to coffee, I treat you to lunches for people in my local area, and I say, No, I'm really busy with a lot of things. They're like, You don't have an hour? And I say, I really don't. And they're shocked. And I know they're thinking, well, she's not kind, she's not spiritual. And, you know, even some people ask for an hour over Zoom, but you you know, and I tell them, no, I'm self-employed. I've run everything, you know. I have one virtual assistant, but she can only do so much, some things I have to do. And you know, I would like to rest. I haven't watched TV in a while. I like to watch TV, you know, and I just tell people I don't have time. Sorry, I'm really busy. So you don't have to outright say no. And you know they can be shocked by that because it's weird how when people think spiritual people, I don't know if they think we're human. Like we don't have bills and responsibilities and stuff. I don't know if people understand that. Yeah, you know, but we're human and we need to take care of our stuff and our lives, and you have a right to say no. If you're a good, kind, loving, spiritual being, you can set boundaries and you can say no to people pleasing and overgiving. And that's why I teach that a lot. If you go to my website, drdonna lee.com, you can take the quiz. It's all about finding out what type of overgiver you are. I created these archetypes myself. You can see free trainings and you can see the workbook on how to break free from overgiving. Um, I'm very proud of that workbook. You can even join my school group called the Burnout Healer. You can find that also on my website. So I want to close this out. If you recognize yourself in this episode, I want you to hear this. You didn't choose overgiving or people pleasing. They chose you as a way to survive. That's how you became an overgiver or people pleaser, and some people are both. And you don't need to force yourself to stop. You need to feel safe enough to not need to be an overgiver or people pleaser anymore. Healing is not about becoming less caring, it's about becoming more whole. You know, that's what it's about. Healing is about becoming more whole. So I want to thank you for being here. Thank you for listening, and most of all, thank you for your willingness to listen to this episode. I know sometimes my podcasts are tough and triggering, but I want to thank you for listening and have a great day.