Soul Talk and Psychic Advice

Dating An Avoidant, Decoded

• Dr. Donna • Season 1 • Episode 42

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We unpack why avoidant attachment creates hot-cold relationships, how trauma bonds form through intermittent affection, and what to do to protect your peace without shrinking yourself. We share clear steps to name the pattern, set boundaries, and assess capacity instead of potential.

• defining avoidant attachment and early-life roots
• why early chemistry feels intense and safe
• the push–pull cycle and nervous system mismatch
• why it feels personal when they withdraw
• trauma bonding and intermittent reinforcement
• the emotional costs of staying in the cycle
• what helps: boundaries, clarity, self-trust
• therapy as the path for true change


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SPEAKER_00:

Hello, it's Dr. Donna and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today we're talking about something many people experience, but very few people understand clearly until they're already deep in it. What is it? It's dating in avoidant personality. This is a relationship that feels intense at first, very connected, and very promising. There may be a lot of love bombing in the beginning, and you're thinking, Wow, this is it. I found my person and then all of a sudden it's confusing. It becomes hot and cold and constantly back and forth. Then it becomes close, you get very close, and then they're distant. And then they're warm. Then they're withdrawn. And then one minute they're so interested. And then they even promise to improve, right? After becoming unavailable, and then they have become interested again. And so you have this confusing relationship because of all of this back and forth, hot and cold, warm and withdrawn and close and then distant. And you know, it just sort of happens out of nowhere. So you find yourself analyzing, you know, text messages that you guys have had between each other, you know, conversations that you've had, you've replayed the conversations over and over. You're wondering what changed what did you miss? Are they interested in you still? What happened? You're wondering if you said or did something wrong. A lot of times people ask me, Did I say or do something wrong? It's like no, and they're like, Well, why so sudden did this happen? And so if you ever dated someone who seemed emotionally present one moment and unreachable the next, this episode is for you. Today we'll talk about what avoidant attachment really is, why these relationships are so addictive, what actually causes a distance, and how to stop losing yourself while trying to keep the connection, or you know, to become aware so you can avoid dating this type of person because sadly somebody who's avoidant, you know, they're just not ready to fully show up. And it's a shame because they could be good people, they could be lovable, they could be kind, but their own trauma is preventing them from showing up and staying present in a relationship. So let's talk about what avoidant attachment really is. Okay? So avoidant attachment is not cruelty, it could feel that way, you know, because of how they go back and forth. It's not a lack of feeling, they feel a lot. And it's not always intentional. I don't even think they realize that they're doing it. And you think, how could they not realize that they're pulling away? Some people just don't realize that you know they're in one minute and next minute they gotta run, they gotta check out. Avoidant attachment forms when closeness did not feel safe early in life. That's how a person becomes an avoidant. Closeness just wasn't safe for them early in life. They didn't see it, they didn't experience it, they don't know what that is, they didn't see healthy relationships, and it's often because emotional needs were ignored. So they were ignored, and their caregivers were unavailable or inconsistent. This is why I always tell people go to therapy so that you could be in a relationship. And if you're gonna have kids, you really got to go to therapy. It's not optional, you know, because your kids observe everything. I have adult clients that remember everything from their upbringing, and they never forget and they know it's how it's affecting them now. So this is why therapy is our friend. You know, it prevents this stuff from happening, and this is one of the things that could prevent avoidant attachment style personality. So vulnerability was discouraged. Maybe you're told don't express your feelings. Um, you know, vulnerability is weakness, boys don't cry. Even if you're a girl, stop crying so much, you know, stop being vulnerable. It wasn't safe. You know, it's very much very common. Independence was praised over connection, you know, and so it's very much important to recognize this in case you have gone through it. Um, so the nervous system learned I'm safer relying on myself. Closeness leads to overwhelm. Needing others is dangerous. Now you can have some of these feelings and still be in a healthy relationship and not be an avoidant, but avoidants really feel these things on an intense level. It's it's not safe to need anyone or to love anyone. They're gonna let you down, they're gonna hurt you. No one has shown up in their lives and been a consistent, reliable person. So avoidant people often want connection, they're starving for connection. Shocking, I know, right? But their nervous system associates intimacy with loss of control. So they're wanting to be close, they want that bond. But their nervous system says this isn't safe, you're losing control. And they really want to do relationships. That's why they show up so fully in the beginning. They're like, I'm gonna do it this time, it's gonna work this time. So when things start to deepen, their system pulls away. That's why some people are so great in the beginning. But as the relationship continues, they start sabotaging or fading out or running or they get with somebody else, and it can leave you wondering, how could they do this to me? I thought that they loved me, I thought that they cared. They do love you, they do care, but they're struggling. They really need therapy for this. And it's a hard thing to go through, you know, with avoidance. I've dated one before. It's quite interesting because you know, you don't want to give up on them, and they are wonderful in so many ways, but they just don't know that they could show up and stay present. Showing up is very hard for an avoidant long term. So, why dating and avoidant feels so intense? Let's talk about this. Avoidant relationships often begin with strong chemistry. I mean, you just feel like this is it, this is my partner, this is who I've been waiting for my whole life. I've met the one, you know, people call me, they're like, Is this my soulmate? This is my twin flame. You know, people are obsessed with soulmates and twin flames, and I gotta do a podcast on that soon, and I will. And then all of a sudden the avoidant relationship just ends. It's like why? Because avoidance can be charming, attentive, and deeply engaging. And then all of a sudden they're distant, you know? And so that's what happens with an avoidant. So remember, an avoidant at first they are just so charming, so attendant, and so deeply engaging. Then all of a sudden they're not. The early stages of the relationship feel so safe with them because they're reliable, they're consistent, they're texting all the time, they're calling, they're really showing up. And then there's this space that happens. And there are no but see, there's no expectations yet. That's why they can do it. Because you you know what, they're not deep in it yet. They could do the beginning because they're not deep in it yet. And you don't have expectations of them yet. And so it's totally safe at first for the avoidant to just really be present because you know, no triggers have come up. No childhood trauma triggers have shown up yet. And for the other person, especially if you learned anxious are relational, you know, issues, attachment issues, this feels intoxicating. You know, it feels so good. You feel chosen, you're like, whoa, somebody's finally showing up for me. Because everybody responds differently to their trauma. So the person on the other end who's dating the avoidant may have anxious attachment or relational attachment. And so they're really caught up in this and they feel chosen and seen and special. And I've heard people say, I feel so special. This happens often in affairs. A person who's having an affair, they may end up, you know, dating, having an affair with the avoidant, because it feels so good, so intense, and they have started to have problems in their relationship with their initial partner, right? The one that they're married to or committed to, who may also be an avoidant, but they're they're there. Sometimes avoidant stays, but they're disconnected, they're distant, and so they just find another avoidant, and so they have an affair with the avoidant, and it's intense, and it's so good in the beginning, and they think that they finally found somebody who sees them. And I hear people say, I feel so special now. My partner doesn't make me feel special, but this person does. And then guess what happens later? This person that they're having an affair with disappears on them. And so once the closeness increases, that's when the dynamic shifts, right? It changes because avoidance says, Hey, I can't keep this up. Too many triggers are coming. And so being in a relationship with the avoidant, they're trying their darnest, but they just can't. And the closeness increases, they start shifting, they start checking out, and they might even go move on to somebody else. Like, so how do you know notice people they do good? Like they're always with someone different, and they're with someone for a couple of months, and then they move on and move on, and they're avoiding themselves, right? They're avoiding fixing themselves, and they just moved on to someone who they can have that fresh new beginning, and they're hoping that this time they stay, but they won't, they won't stay until they start getting the therapy. And so let's talk about this push-pull dynamic that happens when you're dating and avoidant. Here's the core pattern of dating and avoidant. Okay, closeness triggers fear for them. They get close to you and they get very fearful. And distance creates relief. They step back just to catch their breath or breathing again. Not because you're awful to be around, but it's just scary to be so close to you and wanting to be with you and desiring you. You know, you're all the great things, they're just not ready for you. Relief allows reconnection, so they get distant, they feel relief, and then they show up again, right? That's the push-pull, and they're able to reconnect with you, and then that reconnection leads to closeness again, and so they thought, oh, I just stepped back, oh, I missed the person, I want to go back to the person, and then they feel that closeness and the triggers come again, and then the cycle repeats, you're in the push-pull with them. So if you ever thought, why am I in a push-pull? They might be an avoidant, they might just be that. You know, I don't want to go around diagnosing people, but take a look. They might be. It's not when they disappear once, it's when they're keep on, right? They keep on with the love bombing, reconnect, disappear, reconnect. Yeah, and so this cycle repeats. The avoidant pulls away to regulate, they regulate their nervous system when they pull away. The partner moves closer to restore safety. So you're trying to get closer to them to assure them that you're a safe person and you're a good person and you still deserve the love that they've been giving you. And then the avoidant feels pressure, and then the partner feels abandoned, right? And so this is the situation. The avoidant is pulling away. You, the partner, you're trying to give them reassurance that everything's fine, and so you're working on showing them you're safe, and then the voidant is like, okay, it's cool, and then they start feeling pressure, and then they gotta walk, and then the partner who's been working so hard to show the avoidant that everything's good gets abandoned again. So both people are dysregulated at this point. You know, if you weren't dysregulated before, you are now because of this avoidant that you're dating, and so you're dysregulated in opposite directions. This is not a communication problem, this is a nervous system mismatch. So think of it that way. Your nervous systems are dysregulated and you're going in different directions, and you guys just don't match, and that could be heartbreaking because you have more than likely formed a bond with this avoidant, and now it's like, what? Or a mismatch? So guess what happens, and I see this a lot. You start blaming yourself for what the avoidant is doing. Seeing it. One of the hardest parts of dating avoidant is how personal it feels. It just feels like, what did I do? Because they don't usually say I'm overwhelmed. The avoidant doesn't tell you anything, they just run. So they don't say I'm overwhelmed, they don't say I don't have the capacity, they don't say closeness is hard for me. Because they may not even be recognizing all of this. They're just trigger, trigger, triggered. And you know they just disappear. They pull back. They go quiet, they become vague. So you fill in the blanks, right? Trying to figure it out. You start asking you yourself, did you ask for too much from this person? No, because they were promising you a lot in the beginning, so you're just trying to still get more of that, right? Because it was feeling good. And then you're like, Was I too emotional? No, because they were emotional with you, so you weren't too emotional, they were feeding it. And then you go, I scared them. No, you didn't scare them, love. If I were calmer, easier, less needy, this wouldn't happen. That isn't true because you didn't do any of these things. You don't need to be calmer and easier, but I've seen people do that. They just back down to keep the person, they start losing themselves and trying so hard to to keep the person there when it's the person with the issue. But the truth is avoidance pull away even when nothing is wrong. Avoidance pull away even when nothing is wrong. Because the trigger is not you. It's intimacy that's the trigger. They can't be intimate with anyone. So even if they were to leave you and get with somebody else, and I've had to tell people, look, you ain't gonna give that person any more than what they've given you, and they don't believe that. They just go, No, they probably like her because she's prettier or smarter or thinner, and it's like you're missing it. You know, I understand the pain, but you're missing it. And sometimes it's hard when we're in pain to see some other truth and the reality that we're painting, but you're not the trigger, it's the intimacy that is for an avoidant. They just can't handle intimacy. So if you got thinner or prettier, smarter, or cooked more for them or clean more, it wouldn't save it. It just wouldn't. So why these relationships are hard to leave? It's hard to leave an avoidant. It really is. Dating an avoidant often creates a trauma bond. You got it. Look out trauma bonds, and more than likely you have formed one if with avoidant if you've dated one. And it's because the connection is intermittent, right? Push-pull, you know, and so you just get caught up because you know that they're gonna come back around. You just gotta wait a second, you just hope and pray because it was so good. You want that goodness back, so you wait around for them to come back around, and then the affection is so unpredictable, that becomes part of the trauma bond. Closeness is followed by loss. You just lose, they get close to you and they disappear then. Your nervous system stays activated, waiting for that next moment of connection. That's why it's so hard to leave. Because every time they come back, it's good until they disappear again. You're like, oh, it's a high, it's a drug, right? Because they can make you feel real good. Avoidants aren't assholes, they're they're they're nice people, but they just got trauma that makes them want to run. And those highs feel amazing. Oh my goodness, right? The highs are good, they're delicious, and so that's what it is, and then the lows feel devastating, and so you're in a trauma bond. You don't stay because it feels good overall. You stay because you're chasing relief. You're chasing that you know it wasn't bad, you didn't make a mistake, you didn't choose the wrong person, the person really does care. That's what you're chasing. So this is not weakness, it's biology. So what avoidance actually feel, let's talk about that. It's important to understand this. Avoidance often feel flooded. Yes, they feel so flooded with the motions, and then they feel trapped. I know that sounds awful to hear that they feel trapped, but that's what they feel. Because all of a sudden they're in this cycle of wanting connection and closeness and they're feeling vulnerable, and none of this has ever been safe in their life. Then they feel pressured. It's caused by them. It's not caused by the person that they're in a relationship with, and then they feel overwhelmed. They get so overwhelmed. And if they tell you that they're overwhelmed, because sometimes they may admit to that much, or feeling pressured or trapped, don't take it as you've got to adjust who you are. No, this is a them problem, not a you problem. So this is not a you problem, it's a them problem. Even when no pressure is being applied, they could feel these things. Just being in a relationship and wanting love and desire and closeness. So there's nothing that you could do. You can't be different. But of course you could end up begging because you're in the trauma bond of I try, I be better, I make it easier for you. Especially if you're the woman who's dating a male avoidant, we got a bad habit of trying to make men comfortable, don't do it. And so even when no pressure is applied, this happens. And they may care deeply for you. They will miss you. And they may even fear losing you. That's why I don't like the question when someone asks me, do they fear losing me? Because we have this illusion that if someone fears losing us, that they're gonna chase us down and fight for love and fight for the relationship and just become this knight in shining armor and really work on themselves and do better. And that doesn't happen. I tell them, No, no, they don't fear losing you, or they do, but they got issues and they're like, Well, I don't understand. Well, if they fear losing me, they should be doing XYZ and You you know, I get it. I do this work every day, so I have a different lens, and I have to remind myself that I have a different lens, that I see the obvious every day, and you guys don't see the obvious every day, and that's where I fall short, is that I forget that. And always wish that you guys could spend a day in the work of Dr. Donna because then you understand, but just read up on these things, read up on it, and it will help. It will help you so much understand why the person you're with is acting this way, so you could decide how to handle it. And more than likely, I'd say talk to a professional about it and see what is keeping you in it. So the fear of closeness often outweighs the fear of losing the relationship. That is so important to understand. It's very important. The fear of closeness often outweighs the fear of losing the relationship. So instead of moving closer, they freeze or pull away. Avoidance don't lack feelings, they don't. But they lack the capacity to understand intimacy. They just don't. They don't, they don't. Okay, so what dating an avoidant cost you? There is a cost. And it could be a lot. More than what you want to pay, or more than what you can afford emotionally. So over time, dating avoidant often leads to chronic anxiety. If you didn't have anxiety before, you're about to have it. Um self-silencing. You're no longer yourself, you're changing your words to keep them around. You're walking on eggshells because you're like, if I don't act this way, they're gonna leave. So your abandonment shit comes up, right? Your abandonment issues come up. And so if you have abandonment issues and you date avoid it, oh my god, that's just a chemical, it's explosive, right? You start minimizing your needs, you know, a loss of self-trust. You don't even trust your own judgment anymore. These are the costs. You start regulating yourself around their comfort, you're gonna keep him or her comfortable. Women are avoidance too, you know, and so you're gonna do whatever it takes to keep them comfortable so they don't leave. You delay conversations, you don't have tough conversations, and you settle for crumbs of reassurance. And so if you're being bread crumbed, that's what's happening. You wait for consistency that never stabilizes, it just doesn't come. And the most painful part is you start believing love should feel like this. It starts feeling normal for you. And no, love shouldn't feel like this. It shouldn't. So keep that in mind, there is a cost, you lose yourself, you will self-abandon because you feel like you have to walk on eggshells to keep them around. This is their stuff to fix, and you can't fix it, you can't regulate them. You just can't. So, what actually helps when you're dating an avoidant? Here's the hard truth. You cannot heal an avoidant by loving them harder. I've seen that. You can't do it. I've talked to people about this, it won't work. But if you have abandonment issues of your own, you are gonna try to love them harder than hard. You know, you cannot create safety for them by abandoning yourself. And I see that so often. You cannot earn consistency through patience, just being patient with them, especially us women, us in our patient shit. You know, we're sometimes we're too patient. And I'm gonna get on us because sometimes we're too kind, we're too patient, and we self-abandon, and we get nothing in the end. Avoiding attachment heals through their own work. They must go heal themselves. They need trauma therapy. That's there's no way around it. Love doesn't heal all. We gotta stop with that. You can love them, but you can't love them whole. They got to go to trauma therapy. So you accommodating them will not heal them. You're enabling it and you're gonna suffer in the process. So, what you can do, name the pattern honestly. Don't avoid it if you see it. Stop personalizing the withdrawal, because there's nothing that you could have done differently. That's just the cold hard truth. Maintain your boundaries, assess capacity, not potential. See, what are not you know, this is the thing. We love potential in people. Oh, they'd be so great. And you know what potential is that's our projection onto a person. It's not what they're showing us, it's what we project or what we think we would do if we were them. And so look at their capacity. What can they offer? What can they show it for? And yes, it's heartbreaking to break up with avoiding after they love bomb you and you got close and you formed the trauma bond, but you gotta save yourself and get out. And you can tell them, say, look, if you ever go to therapy and I'm still single, we can give it another go. We really can. But until then you can't, especially you you know, maintaining your life, you can't, you go crazy, you won't be able to work, and if you have kids, you won't be able to take care of your kids, you'll be lost, you'll be depressed, you'll be confused, and you start this. What's wrong with me? Nothing. And I know I could say it ten thousand, hundred million, trillion times, but you gotta know this, and that may cause you to have to go talk to a therapist and say, Why am I believing that I am the cause of this person's avoidant issues that they got in their childhood? So you gotta do some deep diving too, and so you gotta also ask yourself, is this relationship meeting my nervous system needs? And that's a hard one because you may have to admit that no, it isn't, and let go. And ask yourself, are you growing in this relationship? Or are you shrinking in this relationship? Gotta ask yourself. So let's close this out. Dating and avoidant doesn't mean you're too much. It doesn't. It doesn't mean you're needy. It can make you feel that way, but it doesn't mean you're needy. It doesn't mean you did something wrong either. It means you're in a relationship where closeness feels unsafe for the other person. Period. End of story. And love cannot thrive where safety is missing. And you don't need to chase someone who runs. You don't need to prove your worth through patience. You don't need to accept inconsistency as intimacy. It's not. The right relationship doesn't require you to disappear to stay connected. It allows you to stay whole. You don't have to lose yourself or abandon yourself to have a relationship. And so I want to thank you for listening. And I see you in the next episode, and have a great day.