Why Self-Criticism Isn’t Truth And How To Stop Letting It Run Your Life

We trace the inner critic back to learned survival strategies and show how it blocks growth, drains energy, and distorts truth. We teach practical ways to regulate your nervous system, practice compassionate correction, and build a fair, honest inner voice that supports change.

• defining self-criticism versus self-awareness 
• origins in caregivers, teachers, culture, trauma 
• how the nervous system equates mistakes with danger 
• why shaming yourself never drives improvement 
• accountability as specific, kind feedback 
• regulation tools that restore safety 
• scripts for compassionate correction and fairness 
• replacing perfectionism with permission to learn 
• closing reminders that growth does not require punishment

Transcript

Naming The Harmful Inner Voice

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Hello, it's Dr. Donna and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today we're going to talk about the voice that hurts you, why we self-criticize and how to finally stop. Now t this topic is something that almost every person has struggled with at one time or another, but very few people understand why they do it. And self-criticism is awful. And so many people think that they could criticize themselves into being a better person or getting that goal accomplished or losing weight or you know, whatever you're trying to do, or some people just spin and they just criticize and they get paralyzed with it. And so that inner voice that judges you, corrects you, second guesses you, tells you you should be doing more, being better, or trying harder, is you know, it's ruining it will ruin a person's life, let's just face it. But you know, we're gonna talk about how and when this really starts. It starts in our younger years because of caretakers. And you know, we don't come from a healthy home and then all of a sudden start self-criticizing. And that may be a hard thing for people to swallow because we live in a world where we want to constantly say, My home was okay, my childhood was okay, you know, there's a lot of bypassing to cope, and nobody wants to be the one who didn't have a good life. But if you're a person who self-criticizes, it it's something to look at and to take seriously. You know, really get to the root of where it came from. So for many people, self-criticism feels normal, even responsible, even motivating, but it's not. Here's the truth. Self-criticism is not a character flaw. No, it isn't. It's not a lack of confidence, and it's not who you are. It's a learned survival strategy. Today we're going to explore why people self-criticize, where that voice actually comes from, and why it feels so convincing, and most importantly, how to stop

Roots In Caregivers And Culture

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letting it ruin your life because it is ruining your life. I nobody's going to tell me they're better because they self-criticize. I I just won't believe that. It's cruelty. Sometimes we are our own worst bully. So let's talk about what self-criticism really is. Let's sit with this. Self-criticism is not self-awareness. So don't look at it as you're being self-aware by finding your flaws and criticizing yourself because that isn't what it is. There's no self-awareness going on, or you wouldn't be self-criticizing. Self-awareness is curious. That's what self-awareness is. It's curious, it's inquiring, it's understanding why do I do the things that I do? Self-criticism is punishing. There's nothing good about that. So we're not going to pretend like there is. That's what self-awareness says. You know, it also says, Why am I the way that I am? Where did this come from? But self-criticism says, What's wrong with me? And a lot of people sit there and think something's wrong with them, or they gotta be tougher or harder or better, or you know, they mentally exhaust themselves. Most people think their inner critic is telling the truth, but it's not telling the truth. It's repeating conditioning. That's what it is. That's what self-criticism always has been. That voice didn't originate inside you. It was absorbed from somewhere. Often from caregivers. A lot of people have had, you know, parents or whoever took care of them criticize them and you know, punish them if they weren't good enough or they didn't get straight A's. Um that sadly this stuff still happens with all this knowledge and awareness. Kids are still going through this. You know, um, if you didn't make straight A's, you're stupid, you're not good enough, you're not trying hard enough. Um you know, if you are a little bit chubby, why are you letting yourself get fat? I mean, young children hear this, especially young girls. That's why a lot of young girls grow to have eating disorders. It's not their fault. Um, teachers, some teachers are really not good. I had a few of those. And at the time when my mom was alive, I I like that she confronted them and they knew back off because my mom didn't play. Um my mom wasn't the person who taught me to criticize, self-criticize. You know, it came from teachers, it came from caretakers after she died. And sadly some teachers don't know that they're supposed to be compassionate and empathetic. They're bringing their baggage that they learned from growing up to work. And they think, oh well, I just scare this student into getting an A because they're making it about, okay, this is a reflection of my teaching instead of what does this child need. From culture. Sadly, there are some cultures where this goes on. We know it. And and we just will normalize it and say that's just how that culture is, or that's just how my people are. And just because it's been going on in a culture, it doesn't make it right. And you know, I've been blessed to live in lots of diverse areas and living in a Bay Area. I've seen a lot of this from certain cultures, and I remember I just told one parent, I said, Your child's gonna hate you when they get older, they're gonna be afraid of you, is that what you want? And they're like, Well, this is just how we are. I said, But you can break this because I just seen the kid in pain. And sadly, some kids who end up killing their parents is because their parents taught

Conditioning, Not Truth

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them this behavior. So let's talk about also from trauma, traumatic events. If something traumatic happened in your life, you know, you will begin to self-criticize from environments where love, safety, approval felt conditional. So this is where it all comes from, from caregivers, from teachers, from culture, from trauma, from environments where love, safety, approval felt conditional. Self-criticism is not honesty, it's internalized threat. You're becoming an enemy to yourself even though you don't mean to do this. You're trying to love yourself more, right? I criticize myself into being better. But it just doesn't work. Let's talk about why the brain uses self-criticism. Your nervous system has one primary job, and that's to keep you safe. In unsafe or unpredictable environments, the brain learns to scan for danger. And sometimes the danger is you making a mistake. You know, it's it's interesting because I will read posts and comments, and people are like, I don't make mistakes. I never make mistakes. And if I do it's somebody else's fault. You know, we are so uncomfortable with failure and making mistakes, and I will do a whole podcast on that eventually. It's really sad. And I remember a long time ago, I just put up a random post on all my social medias, YouTube, Instagram, you know, Facebook, etc. And I put I it was just an affirmation saying, I make great choices, I do not fear making mistakes, and that was like the most likes that I ever received on a post at that time. And I thought, you know, why did I put this up? And then I thought, how sad that we haven't been allowed to make mistakes in this world and be human and what we're doing to ourselves by not allowing for error and needing to blame someone when it does happen because we gotta deflect from ourselves. So let's talk about how the brain adopts a strategy. If I criticize myself first, maybe I could prevent rejection, punishment, or failure. That's why people do it, right? That's exactly why they criticize themselves. They think they're protecting themselves. Self-criticism becomes a form of control. In the worst way, it says don't get too confident, don't relax, don't mess this up, don't draw attention. And to the nervous system, cro self-criticism feels protective. But protection built on shame is still harm. You cannot self-criticize yourself into being a better person. You're shaming yourself. You're abusing yourself. So let's talk about how self-criticism is often a trauma response. Many people who self-criticize intensely grew up with emotional neglect. And you know a lot of people have both parents in the home, but the parents are not emotionally nurturing. They're just not. And they're being emotionally neglected, and those are the parents that say, I feed you, I clothe you, I give you a roof over your head. And you

Threat Response And Control

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know, I'm fifty-five, and that was a generation and prior before where you hear a lot of that. You hear some of it now, but when you think about it, that's a legal requirement for your parent not to go to jail, right? To feed you, clothes you put a roof over your head and send you to school. So that isn't anything fabulous. That's the bare minimum to stay out of trouble with the law. Um, high expectations. If you grew up in a household where you there was high expectations, oh my god, and you had to get A's and you had to be perfect, and you know, don't embarrass your parents and don't disappoint your parents, and you know, your parents are causing you to be perfect because they feel imperfect, right? And so they're gonna make you perfect to show that they haven't totally messed up and they could do something right, and so there's a lot of high expectations. You gotta go to the best schools, everything. I live in an environment like that. My son, you know, went to school in an environment like that, and I told him, I said, I don't want that for you. I don't want you stressed out, even though some of your peers are. And my son did just fine. Was he straight A's, nobody did just fine. He had a B, B plus average. That was even better than what I cared for. And what I've learned now is that grades doesn't always mean it may get you into a good school, but you gotta have the emotional groundedness and maturity and stuff to get through life. Grades isn't everything. Um, inconsistency. If you grew up in a household where things are inconsistent and you walked on eggshells, and you just didn't know one day from the next how it was gonna be at home. That could cause you to self-criticize. Criticism or ridicule from parents. Some parents do this stuff. You know, you know, a lot of people have grew up with parents saying you're fat or you're dumb or you're lazy, you you know, and it's abuse, but uh the old way this stuff happens, and we need to get this out. This needs to be moved out of society, talking that way. Unconditional love. I will only love you when you're good, I only will love you when you're smart, when you make straight A's, I will only love you when you know I could brag to my friends about how great you are. So that these are reasons why people self-criticize. Emotional neglect, the high expectations, inconsistency, criticism or ridicule, and conditional love. You learned early on, I need to be better to be safe. I need to anticipate what's wrong with me. I need to stay ahead of disappointment. And and this will carry on into jobs. There are a lot of people who are so scared of filling at work because they're like, oh my god, I gotta be doing a perfect job. Not just because they fear losing their job, you you know, um, they just have a fear of not looking like they're doing their best. So the self-critic is formed not to hurt you, but to help you survive. That's the illusion of survival, right? Being a self-critic. But the problem is, is what once protected you now restricts you. You can't grow if you're practicing self-criticism. The critic never updates his information. It still believes you're in danger. So you're not growing, you're stuck, you're the child still trying to survive, trying to feel safe, although you're in an adult body. Why self-criticism doesn't actually work? Imagine that, because it doesn't. Here's an important truth. Self-criticism does not improve behavior. It never has. You know, maybe once or twice. You know, at the most, but really doesn't improve behavior. You just got through one situation. But it increases anxiety, shame, paralysis, burnout. A lot of people have a lot of shame and they they get anxiety a lot of times just because of you know the self-criticism and they get paralyzed, they can't move forward in life, they're scared of making mistakes, they don't go after their dreams, you know, because what if they don't do it perfectly so they stay small and they mentally burn themselves out. People don't change because they're ashamed. No. They change because they s feel safe enough to grow. That's the only way that you're gonna change. You have to feel safe enough to grow. If self-criticism worked, the most self-critical people would be the most fulfilled. But they're not. They're often the most exhausted

Trauma And Conditional Love

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people. Let's keep it real. People criticize themselves, they're they're overthinking, they're replaying every situation. Do I do it right? Do I do it wrong? What does this person think of me? You know, they're draining themselves, they're exhausting themselves. So it doesn't work. You cannot beat yourself into success or to be happy. You just never will be. You never have the peace that you deserve. You know, I'm a grief coach, but I'm also a professional psychic. And I was just talking to someone about how, you know, people don't allow us room for error. They want a hundred percent accuracy. And they know even when they get surgery, there's no hundred percent, you know, guarantee. Really, not with anything. And I thought, why would somebody expect that from a psychic? And what I realize is because they want us, the psychic, to help them to prevent from making any mistakes. They want us to help them be perfect, to prevent shame, embarrassment, rejection, that we have to get it right for them so that they are safe. And I thought, oh my goodness, that's a big, huge aha moment. You know, why there's so much pressure on I mean, of all professions, come on, we're pulling in energy, and and energy is affected by the person that we're reading, and you know, their fears and so many factors, but yet they're looking for us to be a hundred percent to make them feel safe. But they don't even do that to their doctor. They're like, I know the risk. I do it anyway. I I know, you know. There's there's just no other profession I feel like gets this much flack. And that's why, because they want a psychist to prevent them from making mistakes or getting it wrong. We have to find a way to be comfortable with our imperfections. The difference between accountability and abuse there is a difference between I made a mistake because we make them and I am a mistake. And some people really take it to heart like they're just an awful, god awful mess up when they really aren't. Healthy accountability is specific and compassionate. Self-criticism is global and cruel. Self-criticism is cruel. Accountability says that didn't go the way I want it. Self-criticism says I always mess things up. When you really don't. One leads to growth, the other leads to collapse. So accountability leads to growth when you say that didn't go the way I want it. Hmm, so how can I make it different? How can I make it better? Be curious, you know, use strategy with self-criticism when you say always mess things up, my God, that's insane. No, nobody uh doesn't always mess things up. Even if it feels that way, but sometimes that one big thing that doesn't go right, we turn it into everything doesn't go right, and that's just not true. So let's talk about why trying to silence the critic doesn't work. You can't just silence it. Many people try to get rid of their inner critic. They try really hard to just ignore it, to not think about it, to just move forward, right? But fighting it really makes it louder. You can't just avoid it. Because a critic is not the enemy. It's a frightened part of you. It runs deeper than just ignoring or avoiding. A lot of people go, I just shut it down. They're trying to they're trying to bypass, but it doesn't work. So when you attack it, that's right, when you attack your self-inner critic, it doubles down. Healing doesn't come from silencing the voice, it comes from changing your relationship with it. That's very important to understand. You know, a lot of times people just go, I just ignore it, I just push it away, I just focus on something else, I just keep busy so I don't think about it, right? That's an old societal strategy that doesn't work. But it doesn't help. It'll just get bigger and louder because it's like I'm here, I'm unhealed, pay attention to me. That's what it's doing. And so you have to change your relationship with self-criticism. Being your worst inner critic. So how to stop being your own worst critic? How to start stopping self-criticism? Here's what actually works. First you want to name that voice. Like who is that voice? Who's the inner voice that's talking to you this way? Why is it there? And say this is my critic speaking. And when you can say this is my inner critic speaking, you

Why Criticism Fails To Motivate

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can realize it's not the truth. It's not intuition. Your intuition doesn't talk to you that way. Your intuition can protect you. Y you know, it's not gonna criticize you. It's not reality. There's nothing reality base about your inner critic. Second, get curious instead of reactive. Ask wouldn't what is his voice afraid would happen if it stopped? You know, if you stop criticizing yourself, would you fall apart? Would you stop trying? Would you not be as good? What will happen? Third, respond with regulation, not logic. Self criticism is nervous system based. It doesn't respond to reasoning. It never has, it never will. It responds to safety. Make yourself feel safe. Counseling, therapy, email. MDR, any nervous system regulation exercise, meditation, mindfulness, you know, a calm breath, a grounded body, a softened jaw, a slower pace. That all helps to regulating your nervous system. Fourth, practice compassionate correction. This is very important. Instead of saying I'm so stupid, and and I you know, we just shouldn't be saying that stuff, right? Try that was hard, but I'm learning. Right? That was hard, but you're learning. This is not lying to yourself, it's telling a fuller truth. You're not stupid. You know, we act like we're supposed to know everything. Nobody's a know-it-all, and people who want to be know-it-alls are trying to protect themselves, you know? And and nobody is a know-it-all. Okay, let's talk about building a new inner voice. The goal is not constant positivity because that's bypassing, right? The goal is fairness, being fair with yourself. Speak to yourself the way you would to someone you care about. When we care about someone, we're all sweet on them, right? We don't see any of their flaws. We overlook their flaws. And so, you know what? And and you go or you have a good explanation for their flaws. And I'm not saying overlook things in people, but I'm just giving an example here that people will do that, but they don't give themselves the same grace. So speak to yourself the way you would to someone you care about. Not harshly, right? Just honestly and kindly is how he would speak to yourself. Over time the critic loses its authority, not because it is defeated, but because it is no longer needed. When you turn things around and stop saying I mess up all the time, say, you know what, this time didn't go well. Next time will be better. I have more information now. You know, people a lot of people don't live their dreams, right? They don't start that business or whatever they want to do, right? Because they don't want to fail. They want to get it perfect. And I don't know where this comes from because life is full of mistakes. We see people in the public eye make mistakes. It's just how it is. And there are no exceptions to that. You're not the exception. We're all gonna make mistakes, and it's okay. So let's close this out. If you live with a loud inner critic, I want you to know this. There's nothing wrong with you. And I want you to say to yourself, There is nothing wrong with me. Because there is nothing wrong with you. That voice formed to protect you. But you don't live there anymore. You don't need to feel safe like that anymore. There was a time and place for that when you're growing up and you had to put up with it from your caretakers or that school teacher or a traumatic event, but you don't live there anymore. That voice formed to protect you, but you don't live there anymore. You're allowed to grow without punishment. There's no perfection. You're allowed to learn without shame. You can't shame yourself into a better person. It does not work. You're allowed to rest without earning it. Self-criticism is not wisdom. Self-compassion is. And even if you could practice, even go to Chat GPT and say, This is how I criticize myself. Can you help me write some self-compassionate statements? Get help there. Go talk to a therapist, talk to a professional, but start rewriting the script. And the more safety you build inside

Accountability Versus Abuse

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yourself, the quieter the voice becomes. Do the work. This is for you. You deserve to be free of self criticism. So I want to thank you for listening, and I see you in the next episode.