Love Can’t Read Minds. Relationships Require Honest Communication

Silence seems harmless until it becomes the loudest voice in a relationship. We dig into why communication isn’t just talking—it’s the daily practice of revealing your inner world—and how avoiding that work creates the perfect conditions for emotional and physical infidelity. Drawing on decades of readings and coaching, Dr. Donna unpacks the two high-risk paths: the partner who shuts down to dodge discomfort, and the partner who over-functions, grows lonely, and eventually looks elsewhere to feel seen, heard, and alive again.

Together, we name emotional abandonment as the first betrayal and explain why most affairs start as a search for relief, not a replacement. You’ll hear how early family messages about feelings—be quiet, don’t talk back—shape adult conflict avoidance, and why new relationships can feel safe simply because they demand less accountability. Then we pivot to prevention that actually works: honest and frequent check-ins, emotional accessibility, staying curious about each other’s inner lives, and fast, specific repair when conflict flares. No polygraphs, no fear-based rules—just connection skills that lower the risk of betrayal.

We also set a hard boundary around responsibility: you can’t save a relationship alone. If one partner refuses to communicate, repair, or grow, the bond runs out of oxygen. But when both people lean in, practical rituals—weekly state-of-us talks, clear requests, time-limited cooling-off followed by repair—rebuild trust and desire. If you’ve felt invisible or confused by mixed signals, this conversation offers language, clarity, and next steps to protect your heart and strengthen your bond.

If this resonated, subscribe, share it with someone who needs it, and leave a review with one takeaway you’ll practice this week. Your stories help others find the show.

Transcript

Framing The Problem: Silence And Cheating

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Hello, it's Dr. Donna and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today we're going to talk about when communication breaks down and why silence creates infidelity. I have been doing readings and coaching for almost 25 years now, and a lot of calls will be related to relationships, and there's often infidelity. I have to admit I was so green when I first started doing this work. I didn't realize how many people were cheating, both male and female. But I became curious and I wanted to know why. Because you know, we live in this world of judgment of right and wrong. And we can say something's right and something's wrong. There's a lot of things right in society that are right and wrong, and you you know they still happen, right? Murder still happens, rape still happens, even though it's wrong. And I so I always believe we have to peel off the layers of why it's happening so that we can stop it. Because I realize that a lot of people who are in these situations don't want to be in these situations, but they find themselves there, and it runs deep. So today we're gonna talk about this, and it sits at the center of so many relationship breakdowns. Why couples who struggle with communication are at a significantly higher risk of emotional or physical cheating. More than likely they will. I know people don't want to hear that, but we gotta stay awake in our relationships to save them. I think what people don't realize is that you just don't fall in love with somebody, you just don't find the one. They're not just your soulmate or your twin flame. You have to work at your relationships daily. They are work, and that's gonna cause triggers, and that's gonna force more communication. If you struggle with communication, you're gonna struggle in your relationship, and I've seen that over and over. I try to warn people, they didn't listen, and it the relationship went to full breakdown. So it's about understanding unmet needs, silence, emotional shutdown, and unresolved resentment. How it creates the perfect environment for infidelity on both sides. So this is not going to be a podcast of believing. If you're looking for that, you can stop listening. I am someone who's always trying to learn and understand and share that information to help people. It's about helping. You know, the world is full of judging, and I just want to educate. So let's take a deep breath as we step into this topic with honesty, compassion, and clarity. Communication is the lifeline of a relationship, and a lot of people just don't get this. They want love to speak. And I can't tell you how many times someone would call and say, Does this person love me? And I say yes, and they hang up because they think that's all they need. And I had to start blogging and tell and not telling them that right away because I wanted them to understand the dynamics we love at the level of our capability. Love is not a universal feeling. It isn't, it's different for each person. And a lot of people have cheated on their partner will swear to you that they love their partner. So let's talk about this. Every relationship, romantic, platonic, spiritual, or otherwise, relies on core one core function, the ability to express emotions, needs, fears, and desires in a way that feels safe and understood. And you know, we have this new thing in society which gets on my nerves sometimes with this protecting your peace, and people have interpreted that as I don't have to communicate because it's uncomfortable, and I'm gonna protect my peace. Yes, if you didn't grow up where communication was safe, it's gonna be uncomfortable, but you don't get to avoid it to protect your peace. That's not protecting your peace, that's avoidance. So when communication deteriorates, everything else begins to erode. Emotional intimacy, trust, vulnerability, conflict resolution, desire, and closeness. Communication is not talking, it's not just talking, it is a willingness to reveal what's inside of you. That's what communication really is. And when one partner refuses to communicate or avoids vulnerability or shuts down, the relationship becomes lopsided. One person becomes emotionally starved while the other person becomes emotionally unreachable, and this is when the cracks begin. This is when it starts to fall apart. Because if you can't communicate about what's inside of you, kind of step back and not be in a relationship until you heal that part. And if you're already in a relationship, go to therapy and heal that and work on that and tell your partner that you will work on that because the relationship will not survive. Okay, why people who won't communicate are more likely to cheat. And sometimes a person who's trying to communicate will end up cheating because their partner's not talking in return, and they want to be seen and heard, so they're going to find someone who they feel like will talk to them. So let's start with the partner who shuts down. People who avoid communication often struggle with conflict avoidance. They just didn't grow up with that ability to face conflict, emotional maturity, shame, fear of disappointing their partner, low tolerance for emotional discomfort, unhealed trauma, and fear of vulnerability. And more than likely, they grew up in a home where they weren't allowed to express themselves. They're probably told children were to be seen and not heard, or don't talk back to me and your feelings don't matter, and so they don't have the skill. You know, play one thousand questions. If people do this and get rid of this high of lust and chemistry and really dive deep into their relationships, you you know, they have a better one. So when someone is closed off emotionally, they often look for validation, admiration, and escape. Someone who feels easier, a place where they don't have to face accountability. That's why a lot of people like the beginning of relationships, and when it gets too serious, they run. I've had those sheriff calls where they're like, Wow, things are going so good, he's loving, he's kind, then he disappears, or she disappears. They can't do it when it gets deep because they don't have those emotional skills to be there. And so they look for someone to have affair with which they're not going to give their emotional selves to. It may look that way in a beginning, but they're not going to give their all to that relationship because they're just looking for the beginning where there's no accountability. So cheating becomes a shortcut to emotional relief. It's a way to experience closeness without having to do the hard work of showing up honestly in their primary relationship, right? Affairs are a big escape. People who don't communicate often cheat because cheating feels less vulnerable, less demanding, instantly validating, emotionally safe in the moment, right? And so that's what happens. It feels so safe and it's so easy, and they think they're in love and they found their person. And nine times out of ten, they didn't find their person. You know, they are are with someone who isn't holding them accountable yet. So it's like a place where they don't have to answer hard questions. Some people will avoid that, you know, and they cheat as a way to avoid the discomfort of real emotional responsibility. It is not love, it is avoidance. And here's the deeper truth. When someone refuses to communicate in their relationship, they are already withdrawing intimacy. Cheating becomes simply the next step in that withdrawal. And it's interesting because for the person being cheated on, they're like, Why did they do this? What's wrong with me? Should I be thinner? Should I be prettier? Should I be smarter? And it I tell them it has nothing to do with you. And they're like, Yes, it does. And see, we're so busy looking at external, we're so busy, you know, thinking, Well, I could change a person. No, you can't, and it's always internal. Once we really start to understand that, especially women, life gets easier, then you can find a better partner. Because women we're taught to fix our partners, and that goes for whether you're gay, straight, you know. Um, and that a woman starts thinking, will I be all the things that the person he's cheating with is. You can't compete with that for many reasons. Because they're not there, because it's deeper. Sometimes, maybe 10% of the time, but 90% of the time, no. So let's talk about the overburdened partner. Why the communicative partner is also at risk of cheating, and they are, and often they will because they're looking for something, right? And now let's talk about the partner who is trying, the one who wants connection, clarity, and real intimacy. When you are with someone who shuts down or refuses to communicate, you begin to experience chronic frustration. Yeah, you're gonna be frustrated, emotional loneliness, feeling unheard, feeling invisible, resentment. You will resent your partner no matter how much you love them. Bitterness, yes. The belief that this is as good as it gets, it's not gonna get any better, and emotional exhaustion. Takes a toll on the person who wants to communicate and they're with someone who doesn't. Um, humans are wired for a connection. We really are. We need emotional responsiveness, we need reciprocal energy. And this is a thing with I notice with the person who is a good communicator, sometimes they fall so deep for someone because of their own trauma, right? That they overlook some of these flaws. They think, well, if we get married, it'll be better. Well, they love me, they eventually do better, and they won't. Person's gotta heal this stuff. So when a partner consistently refuses to communicate, the other partner becomes starved for emotional intimacy. That's what happens. And emotional starvation is one of the leading causes of infidelity. Remember, this is heavily researched stuff, you know? People cheat because they feel seen by somebody else, and that's what someone's looking for. I hear that a lot. I feel seen, I feel heard, I feel loved for once. I'm not being ignored, I'm getting this attention. They feel heard for the first time in years, they feel emotionally validated, they feel desired. You know, it's hard to be with someone who you think isn't desiring you, right? They feel interesting, they feel important, they feel alive again, and I have heard that often. I'm sure other therapists, coaches, psychics, etc., have heard that too. The person will say, I feel alive. And they do, they light up, they smile, they're happier, you know, because they're getting nurturing, and it really isn't about the sex, it's about the emotional starvation, and they're getting those emotional needs met. Most cheating doesn't come from wanting a new partner, it doesn't. It comes from wanting to feel like yourself again, and that's the truth. And this is gonna be an uncomfortable podcast, but I do uncomfortable work. Always joked, I wish I did something light and fun, you know, for a living, but I don't. I'm a grief coach, I deal with heavy things, you know, I help, you know, other healers, I do the tough stuff. And so here's the painful truth. When one partner refuses to show up emotionally, the other partner eventually stops waiting. You get tired of waiting. The nicest person has a line and will get sick and tired of it and will move forward, they will find someone else. So, yes, the partner who is frustrated, unheard, dismissed, and emotionally abandoned is also at high risk of cheating. Not out of malice, it's never out of malice. It may feel that way, but it's not. But out of unmet emotional needs. So if this podcast is uncomfortable and you're in a relationship, look at what needs to be different. Do the work because love can't carry you. Love is something that you choose daily. You know, choosing each other daily means doing the hard, uncomfortable work. Let's talk about emotional abandonment. It is a form of betrayal. Many people think cheating is the first betrayal. It isn't. The first betrayal is emotional abandonment. When one partner refuses to communicate, they withhold intimacy, truth, they withhold understanding, they withhold closeness, they withhold repair. This creates a deep emotional gap. And nature hates that a vacuum. Someone else, someone who listens, who sees, who responds, can slip into that space quickly. And they will, because it becomes all energy. If you communicate and your partner doesn't communicate, you guys aren't on the same vibration. And so the person who doesn't communicate will have an affair with someone who accepts that, and the person who needs communication will have an affair with someone who does communicate. It's all energy and vibration. Emotional abandonment often leads to fantasizing about someone more attentive. Imagining what life would feel like with someone who understands, craving emotional resonance, right? Someone who relates, who sees you, who connects with you. Cheating becomes a symptom, not the cause. And that's some deep stuff because the way that we look at things in society, things aren't getting better. If we can look from a different angle, and hey, I've been cheated on. Um and I think because I was a talker, I talked too much. I wanted communication, I want to talk about everything. I want to play a thousand questions and speak my mind, and yeah, you know, that person's like, uh, this is weird. No, just admire me. And it's like, no. So I get it. Um, but y you know, there's work that all of us have to do. And number one, if we do that work and start asking questions before we get in too deep, it can save us from a lot of pain. So let's talk about how avoidance and silence destroys relationships. Avoidant communication is not neutral, it's destructive. Here's what happens Avoidance kills emotional safety. You can't feel safe with someone who won't tell you what is going on inside of them. And some people don't know how to express themselves, they're scared, they feel uncomfortable. But you have to if you're in a relationship. Silence builds resentment. When there's no repair, hurt calcifies, it hardens, right? The relationship becomes emotionally one-sided. One gives, one hides. The frustrated partner starts to shut down or look elsewhere. Truth erodes. If you can't trust your partner with their feelings, you stop trusting them all together. Avoidant partners often believe silence is harmless, but silence is corrosive. Silence is corrosive, people. That it is. And so silence creates insecurities, right? Misinterpretations. You're left to try to read between the lines. Emotional distance. You can't get close to someone who won't talk to you. Love is not enough. We gotta stop with that shit. It's 2026. We know better. Takes more than love. It takes more than chemistry, takes more than good sex. Um also relational stagn stagnation, right? And ultimately it creates space for someone else to walk in, right? If there's distance between the two people in the relationship, there's space for someone else to show up and the universe will just make it happen. Sometimes you don't even have to look far for it to happen. So what actually prevents cheating? Let's talk about that. How do you prevent cheating? 'Cause people just want to blame and say this is the bad guy, this is the jerk, this is a bad woman, they're narcissists or this or that, but there's ways to prevent this stuff. Infidelity isn't prevented by fear, loyalty are rules. It's not. You can't do that. Y you know, I was reading an article on Facebook and it said that this lady makes her husband take a polygraph test every day that he comes home so that she can find out if he's been cheating. And that was crazy to me. And you you know, it was a true story. It turned out to be a true story, and it's like, my God, who wants to live like that? You you know, and basically there's a breakdown, she has trust issues, or maybe he broke the trust, there's something going on, right? But we can't live that way. And so you you you know, rules, fear, loyalty, none of that at work, and doing a polygraph every day, I guess she bought her own um polygraph machine isn't going to make the relationship healthy. Connection is what makes a relationship healthy. Connection is how you prevent cheating. People who feel emotionally safe and emotionally fulfilled are significantly less likely to cheat. Hear that. That is important. What prevents cheating? Honest communication, emotional accessibility, staying curious about each other, repairing quickly when conflicts arise, talking about needs before resentment builds, expressing vulnerability instead of suppressing it. When couples communicate, they protect their relationship. When couples avoid communication, they expose their relationship to risk. It is true. So let's finalize this. If you're in a silent relationship, which a lot of people are, where one isn't talking. If you're listening right now and you're in a relationship where communication is minimal or non-existent, I want you to hear this. You cannot save a relationship by yourself. You can't can't put on sexy clothes, you can't make passionate, you know, romance, you can't do any of that, and you can't be the only one talking, and you can't give their your partner space to get comfortable to talk. It doesn't work that way. It requires two people showing up emotionally. And you may have to assess if you're with someone who's just never gonna grow. You know, and you gotta ask yourself, can you stay in that or are you brave enough to leave it? If they have no desire to change her grow. So if one partner refuses to communicate, refuses to repair, refuses to express their inner world, or refuses to meet your emotional needs, then infidelity on one or both sides becomes A predictable outcome. Not because you're bad people, but because a relationship lacks oxygen. The people just really look at their relationship from an honest tone. Because taking a marriage vow won't save it. The divorce rate for the first marriage is at 50% in hell is 60, 70% for the second marriage. So think about it. Marriage alone doesn't save anything. And if you're the one trying to communicate, trying to fix it, trying to pull emotional weight for two people, I want you to hear me clearly. Your emotional needs are valid. Your desire for connection is healthy. Your frustration is not overreacting. It's recognition of relational imbalance. You deserve mutual communication. You deserve emotional safety. You deserve a partner who shows up for the relationship, not someone who avoids it until it collapses. Because then it's too late. The damage is done. More than likely, you can't fix it. And that's usually when people take notice. Oh my god, I do anything. Don't leave me, don't leave me. And it's like the signs have been there. Thank you for spending this time with me today. If this episode resonated, share it with someone who needs clarity about communication avoidance and emotional risk in relationships. And if it was uncomfortable, ask yourself why. And there's other reasons why people cheat, but I wanted to focus on communication. I've done another podcast on infidelity, and I would do more because there are different angles, but start being honest with your relationships. They're not somewhere to just go to get love. You have to go there to show up. So you're not meant to live in silence. You're meant to connect, to be heard, to feel supported, and to be with someone who values your emotional honesty. And that's important. Take care of your heart and be with someone who will take care of your heart, who will be present with you. And if you're someone who struggles with communication, go talk to a therapist and find out why. Give professional help. Talk to a therapist, a coach, or your clergy, your pastor, your minister, whoever, right? But work on you. We it whatever we don't address in our life, it will show up in our relationships. So if there's problems in your relationship, it's because there's some unhealed stuff. And so take care of that. So I want to thank you for listening and have a great day.