Stop Treating Singleness Like A Red Flag

Ever catch yourself asking, “If he’s such a good guy, why is he still single?” We dig into that loaded question and uncover what it really signals: cultural bias, anxiety masquerading as discernment, and a scarcity mindset that treats love like a marketplace. From decades of coaching and intuitive work, we share why singleness is a season, not a diagnosis, and how timing, healing, and readiness shape real compatibility.

We walk through the double standards many of us hold, especially when we judge someone else’s relationship status while defending our own. Instead of scanning for flaws that confirm fear, we pivot to the evidence that matters: patterns over promises, consistency over chemistry, and character over a curated past. You’ll hear practical, grounded ways to evaluate a new partner—how they handle conflict, speak about exes, respect boundaries, and treat service staff—so you can make choices with clarity, not panic.

If you’re tired of rushing, guessing, or hoping chemistry will do the talking, this conversation offers a calmer, wiser framework. We champion the “thousand questions” approach, where small habits and big values both count, and we replace suspicion with curiosity. The better question isn’t “Why is he single?” It’s “Does who he is today align with who I am today?” Tune in, reflect with us, and reclaim dating as a mindful practice that honors your standards and your peace.

If this resonates, subscribe, share with a friend who needs it, and leave a review to help others find the show. What’s one question you’ll ask on your next date?

Transcript

The Loaded Question

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, it's Dr. Donna and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today we're unpacking a question that sounds harmless but isn't. And I am asked this a lot by women and I'm surprised because I'm asked by single women and single women you know how hard it the dating scene is. So this surprises me. And the question is, if he's a good guy, why is he still single? And or even worse, there must be something wrong with him if he's still single. And this is coming from single women, and I I say, Well, you're single, how would you feel if somebody said that to you? That something's wrong with you? How would you feel? You know, often I turn it around, or you know, when s when a woman or a man says, Well, all the good ones are taken, and I say, So if all the good ones are taken and you're single, does that mean that you're not one of the good ones? You know, sometimes we gotta hear ourselves. And that's why they say, you know what, record yourself. Just listen, record yourself and then listen to it. And listen to what you're saying. And a lot of this I know comes from our culture, right? These are comments in society that don't make a darn bit of sense to say something must be wrong with him if he's single. When you're single too, think about it. I don't know if we think that it's easier for men to date than it is women. I talk to men, it isn't. You know, and yeah, there's you know, there's a manosphere and the red pill and all this crap out there, right? But overall, I'm gonna look at the average male that isn't a part of that shit. And I'm gonna look at the average woman. And this would not be a fair question, you know, how is he still single? How is she still single? Think about it. So it's a question women ask each other, right? Because they're trying to figure out what's wrong with the guy so that they don't end up with the wrong guy and get hurt. You know, it's a question that you know families may ask. He's single, how come he's never married? He's forty, how come he's never married? Well, there are women in their forties who have never married. I never married and I'm 55 by choice. It's a question social media implies constantly. And you know, I do search social media to find additional topics and you know, that I have experience with, and boy, do I have experience with this one over, you know, 25 years of coaching and doing readings, right? So but here's the part no one says out loud. If you're single and he's single, why does his singleness require investigation but yours doesn't? So yes, I'm going there today. This may be a little bit uncomfortable, but I think it's a valid topic. Because we have to think before we speak, and we have to really ask ourselves what are we saying? So think about it. Why is his single status suspicious while yours is justified? Why? And of course when you start dating someone you check them out, and hopefully you guys are checking each other out, right? Hopefully you guys do research on each other. And I know the IT channel often shows diabolical men, but there are some diabolical women too. Let's just be honest about everything. And this isn't about bashing anybody or picking sides. This is about let's use good sense when we speak, and let's think about what we're saying. And I've heard this question a lot of times. I've seen this question, you know, online on different posts, and yeah, you know, I just never understood it. So I would respond and they would get quiet. They're like, You didn't have to say that. It's like, yes, I did. So today we're talking about the double standard, the projection, the assumptions, and the deeper insecurity underneath that question. Because the truth is being single is not a diagnosis. It really isn't. Let's talk about the cultural narrative around singleness. We treat it like a disease, right? And we wonder why people stay in abusive relationships because they figure it's better than being judged for being single. You know, a lot of people stay in unhealthy situations because they don't want to look like a failure or something's wrong with them for being single. We're just now starting to get to a point in society where we go, oh, okay, single can be a good thing, it could be a choice. But let's discuss this. Society has long treated singleness as a problem to solve when it isn't, especially after a certain age. And believe me, I get a lot of judgment for not getting married, even when I'm not single. So if you're in your 30s, forties, fifties and single, people assume you're too picky, you're emotionally unavailable, you have commitment issues, you're damaged, you've missed your chance. And when a woman meets a man who seems attractive, stable, kind, the suspicion kicks in. If he's so great, why hasn't someone locked him down? But pause. Why haven't you? Because life is complex. Because timing matters, because compatibility is rare. You know, being in a relationship, you're merging lives. You you know, you gotta think this through, right? It's just not about having someone to cuddle with and like telling everybody, I'm in a relationship. It goes bigger than that. Who you date will affect your life. Don't think it won't. Because healing also takes time. People who properly heal, you know, from a relationship, they're gonna take months, maybe they take years, and you have to be concerned about people who go from relationship to relationship because they're avoiding healing. And remember, standards also exist. This is why people are single. You gotta find that true mate. You know, always say play a thousand questions, which a lot of people don't, right? They don't ask any questions, they just think, oh, let the chemistry speak for itself, and then it blows up later when they should have asked questions, and they probably would have known, they would have been able to find out why that relationship wasn't for them. And it doesn't mean neither person was bad or one's good and one's bad, it just means we're not compatible, and I mean people need to ask everything. Literally ask what time do you wake up in the morning? Do you have an issue with junk food? Ask everything, not just the finances and sexual compatibility, ask the quirky things. How do you guys deal with family members? Would you let a family member move in? Just everything, right? And people don't do that. They just hope that love speaks for itself and then it blows up. So somehow when we evaluate him, we remove that nuance that, hey, life is complex, timing matters, right? Compatibility is rare, healing takes time and standards exist. We treat his singleness as evidence, but we treat ours as circumstance, and that's not fair. It really isn't. And that's why I usually flip the question on people not to be a jerk when I flip it on women, is to say, think about it. Think about what you're saying. So let's talk about projection and dating. Let's talk about it. Often when someone asks why is he still single, is actually anxiety speaking. Anxiety wants control, anxiety wants guarantees, right? That he's not gonna be crazy, he's gonna be perfect. Anxiety wants proof that this person is safe to invest in. So instead of saying, I'm afraid of getting hurt, I'm afraid I miss red flags, I'm afraid I waste time, we say there must be something wrong. It feels safer to assume hidden flaws than to tolerate uncertainty. But dating requires uncertainty. Do you hear that people? Singleness is not a red flag. Patterns are red flags. Behavior is information, character is information, but relationship status alone that's neutral. That's it. It doesn't tell you anything. You know? And I even heard women say, Well, if their spouse didn't die, you know, why are they single? Something's wrong, something's wrong. Women, stop it. You know, stop it. And and yes, do ask questions, but don't assume that off the gate. Find out who people are, talk to them, ask them questions, be nosy, you know, be inquisitive, share yourself too. That's how that makes for finding out if this person is right for you or not. Okay, now side note, you know, I watch a lot of ID channels. Someone has a l more than one spouse that has died, you know, question that. Yes. But y you know, we have to stop with this suspiciousness of each other. No, ask questions, be calm, be inquisitive, but not, oh, something's gotta be wrong. That's trauma. So let's talk about the double standard women internalize. Let's go deeper. Many women who ask this question are also sensitive about being single themselves. That's the truth. They may carry shame around it. They may feel behind. They may feel judged. They may secretly worry what's wrong with me. So when they see a man who is also single, there's almost a subconscious attempt to separate themselves from the stigma. That's what's going on. I'm single because I have standards. He must be single because he's flawed. That subtle distinction protects eagle. But it also reinforces the ideal that singleness equals defect. Yes, that's what it that's the stigma, right? And that harms everyone. Healthy adults are single for many reasons. They left unhealthy marriage. They were focusing on their career. They were healing for trauma. If only more people took time to go to therapy and heal, the divorce rate would be lower. Relationships will work. They refuse to settle. Don't settle. They prioritize parenting, right? Take care of the kids. I took care of my son. I didn't want a stepdad around my son. I didn't want that for him. I didn't feel good about that because what I was seeing in other people's relationships around me. They simply hadn't met the right match. That is often true. The same explanation that applied to you applies to him. Think about it. But you know, this question often also comes from the the pick me energy, the choose me energy, right? That men get to choose and women gotta hope to be chosen. So if the guy didn't go choose a woman, as if a woman, you know, is just gonna say yes, right? Um something's wrong with him because how come he isn't choosing? He gets to choose. Because of our culture, there's many cultures out there where somewhere women take the lead, right? Women court, women propose, but and there's about 4,300 cultures out there where that happens. But in our culture, the American culture, it's men pick, men choose, and some women are waiting to be chosen. And so that's why they probably think something's wrong with him if he's still single, because he gets to choose, and the woman has to wait and hope, right? So let's talk about what actually matters. Instead of asking why is he still single, ask. How does he handle conflict? Yes. How does he speak about his exes? Yes. How does he treat the service staff? Yes. Cause people who are rude to service, I won't waste time with. Okay? I don't waste time with people like that. How does he respond to boundaries? Is he gonna flip out if you say no and you don't want to be intimate right away? How consistent is he? These are questions that reveal character. Okay? That's what you're looking for is to reveal character instead of this whole broad generalization of singleness versus being in a relationship. So singleness reveals nothing. People can be partnered for twenty years and still emotionally immature. There's a lot of people who stay together and it's like that. I I've had friends who said their parents lived in the same house and never spoke to each other. They had to visit the parents differently. I've heard that more than once from people throughout the years that were friends. You know, um so it it says nothing, right? To stay married. Someone can be single for ten years and deeply aware. Relationship status is not proof of quality. Longevity does not equal health. Availability does not equal readiness. It doesn't. Okay? So let's remember that. Okay? The fear of missing something, trauma response, right? But we're not gonna catch everything, that's not possible. And sometimes we just end up down a road, right? Whether it's good or bad. You know? But let's talk about the fear of missing something. There's also a subtle scarcity mindset underneath this question. If he's single, what am I not seeing? Right? You're like, Oh, I'm missing something. This good looking smart man educated, you know, why is he single? You know, this disease of needing to be in a relationship, we're starting to cure it. You know, they're seeing more women are choosing to be single and not have kids than ever. And, you know, so we're gonna see a lot of this. And then we talked about the male loneliness epidemic, right? So because marriage works for men, but doesn't always work for women. They say men thrive in marriage, women thrive single. But just because he isn't married doesn't mean something's wrong with him because that isn't always where every man wants to be married. You know, I've spoken to many men throughout the years through coaching. Some of them are like, I just want to be healthy, I want to heal my childhood trauma, I want to be single, I want to work on my business, I want to have more money so if I get married and we have kids, she could stay at home if she wants to, or you know, I have enough money to stay at home. You'd be surprised. Yeah, you know, you'd be surprised why men aren't getting married. Some of them, yeah, you know, just like some women, right? Need to work on themselves and they should be single, but let's stop overthinking it. So we are assuming, right? When you say if he's still single, what am I not seeing? It assumes that someone would have taken him if he were valuable. My god, the way that we see relationships, either you have value or you don't by someone choosing you. And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high, right? But love is not a marketplace or clearance rack. You know? It's not, it's not a clearance rack. People are not products. Compatibility is specific, timing is specific, readiness is specific, people. Let's change our thinking, let's change our thinking. A lot of things that we believe we've just heard over and over throughout the years, and we start believing that is true. But let's be inquisitive. You can be amazing and still not aligned with many people. That doesn't make you defective, it makes you selective. And that applies to him. Now, I love Dana Ross's daughter, Tracy Ellis. She um I I think she's my age, she's fifty-five, and she's never been married, she's been single, and she says, for me to be with someone, you're gonna have to add to my life. Otherwise, I don't need a partner just to have a partner. You have got to add to my life. So there could be men out there thinking the same way, right? You have got to add to my life. Do you want to build together? Do you want to co-create? You know, what you've got to find somebody who wants what you want instead of settling because then you're disappointed. And sadly, some people settle and some women settle and then they're disappointed. So, you know, being single is saying, I'm not going to settle, I'm not going to do that. Okay. So accountability and humility. Here's the humble truth. If you're single, you're also someone's why is she still single, right? They're asking that about you, and you might be going, 'Cause I can't find anybody. Well that goes for him too. You know, no one hasn't picked me, he picked someone else. I've heard women say, Why did he pick her, not me? And it's like, it's energy, babe. It's energy. You know, and I've done blogs about that. That doesn't mean something is wrong with you. It means singleness is neutral. The more secure you become, the less you need to pathologize someone's relationship status. You evaluate them based on behavior in the present, not assumptions about their past. The past will reveal itself. I always say the best thing to do is to start with casual conversations, and then if you decide today, go to the thousand questions. And especially if you get engaged, you really reevaluate those thousand questions. And I mean it a thousand questions. I'm not kidding. You know, you ask anything and everything. Because you need to know it all matters. You know, do you leave dishes in the sink? That matters too. But yes, we want to start with character. How do you treat people? How do you respond under stress? You know, are you good with money? Are you a people pleaser? Are you an overgiver? You know, you gotta ask all the questions. You know, have you ever hit somebody, you know, out of anger? You know, you gotta ask the questions. And people don't want to ask the questions, they want the chemistry to talk. Chemistry can't talk, it tells you nothing, tells you that chemistry is lust. That's all it is, right? It's a sexual thing. It doesn't mean a relationship or you at last, you know? It doesn't mean any of that. So let's talk about a more emotionally mature framework. Instead of suspicion, adopt curiosity. Be curious. You know? Just be very curious about who they are. Instead of judgment, use observation. If you're dating someone who is single you know, if you're dating someone who has been single, right, ask what have you learned from past relationships to see if they've had any? What did they learn from them? Maybe they knew they needed to take a break and be single for a while. What are you looking for now? Right? Because we change, we grow, we look for different things. What didn't work before? The answers would tell you far more than the fact that they're unattached. Emotional maturity shows up in reflection. Not in relationship history alone. Okay. So I'm gonna close this out because boy, I could go on about this topic. And I like my tangents because I think that they're helpful. Okay, why is he still single? Sounds like discernment, but it isn't. It's often projection. Yes, it is projecting. And sometimes it's insecurity. If you're single and you know your worth and you know your growth, and you know your healing, then you must extend that same generosity of interpretation to him, to other people, right? Singleness is not a flaw, it is a season. And the real question isn't why is he single? It is does who he is right now align with who I am right now? That is the only question that matters, and you know how you find that out by asking all those questions. Yes. So I want to thank you for listening, and I will see you in the next episode.