Dating Without Panic: Healing Anxious Attachment

What if the panic you feel while dating isn’t “neediness” at all, but your nervous system doing its best to keep you safe? We dive into anxious attachment with compassion, unpacking how inconsistent love wires us to monitor connection, overgive, and confuse chemistry with activation. From text anxiety to emotional whiplash, we trace the real, somatic roots of that tight chest and racing thoughts—and then offer a clear path toward steadier love.

We break down the classic anxious-avoidant dance and why distance can feel like home when inconsistency was your norm. You’ll learn how calm, secure partners might read as “boring” at first, and how to retrain your body to recognize steadiness as safety. We share practical tools you can use today: slow the pace on purpose, check for reciprocity instead of pleading for certainty, stop performing to be “low maintenance,” and regulate before you respond. Simple somatic steps—five slow breaths, naming sensations, gentle movement—help you choose clarity over panic.

Together we explore deeper repair: boundary work, rebuilding self-trust, and grieving unmet childhood needs that still echo through adult relationships. The goal isn’t to become unbothered; it’s to become anchored. Secure love doesn’t require performance, anxiety, or self-abandonment. It feels calm, chosen, and mutual—and you deserve that. If this conversation lands for you, share it with someone who needs to hear it, and consider joining our groups for somatic healing, boundary skills, and nervous system repair. Subscribe, leave a review, and tell us: what’s one boundary you’ll honor this week?

Break Free From Overgiving: A Trauma-Informed Guided Workbook for Empowered Receiving

Transcript

Naming Anxious Attachment With Compassion

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Hello, it's Dr. Donna and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today we're talking about something so many women struggle with, and some men too, and it's dating from an anxio anxious attachment style. So we're going to talk about anxious attachment. If you ever checked your phone many times, 30, 40 times, waiting for a text, felt sick to your stomach when someone pulled back, overanalyzed every message, which some people do, they they overthink, overanalyze, try to be easy, cool, or low maintenance, or felt like you lose yourself when you start liking someone. This episode is for you. And I want to say something gently and clearly. Anxious attachment is not a weakness, so don't look at it as something's wrong with you. I don't like when people go something's wrong with me. It's like, ooh, we got to change our language. It's not that something's wrong with you, something happened in your life that made you this way. And it's important to examine that to figure that out versus judging yourself. Judgment never really works, you know. Um, so I want to make that clear. So it's not a weakness, it's not neediness, it's not being too much. It's a nervous system that learned love can disappear. That's what your nervous system learned. That's why you may act this way, and that matters. So today we're going to talk about what anxious anxious attachment really is, what it looks like in dating, what's happening in your body, and why you keep attracting avoidant partners if you are an anxious attachment person, and how to date without abandoning yourself. Now, in the past we talked about dating and avoidant, but now we're talking about being anxious attachment and how you date, right? And so sometimes I may flip the script around so it isn't just like oh, you're dating someone who's a certain relationship style. This time we're talking about you, the person who is an anxious attachment person. So anxious attachment develops when love felt inconsistent somewhere in your life, right? Maybe you had a parent who was emotionally unavailable. And sadly, a lot of people do. They have that. They have a parent who is emotionally unavailable, or they had a parent die young, you know, when they were young. And love had all these conditions. You weren't gonna be loved unless you met certain conditions, and affection came and went. You had to perform, please, or overachieve in order to feel safe. And some people come from homes like that. If you don't make stray A's, I won't love you. If you don't make me proud, I won't I won't love you. And that's a whole story in itself why parents can be that way, right? Their own insecurities, their own shit, right? So also if you've experienced abandonment, emotional or physical abandonment, you can actually live in the house for both parents and be abandoned. Yes. And sadly, there's a lot of people like that. I remember growing up because you know, my father died young, but my parents were separated before he died. He had to go live with his mom because he was sick, and I thought everybody who had a two-parent home had a perfect home. And then guess what? I started asking my friends questions and making statements, and they just said, You have no idea what's going on in someone's house. So I learned at a young age, around nine, ten, somewhere around there, you don't know what's going on in someone else's house. And a lot of my friends were informing me, and I was just shocked. And then going into this work, hearing it, and then reading comments online, hearing the same thing. That yes, you can have both parents in the home and feel neglected, abandoned, um, emotionally abused. So this illusion of a perfect two-parent household is nonsense or BS for a lot of people, unfortunately. It should mean double the love, but sometimes it can mean double the dysfunction. So your nervous system learned love can disappear. Yes. I need to monitor connection, and that's what's happening. You're monitoring it, right? If I don't stay close, I lose it, right? You gotta keep on it, and that's why some people will freak out and they're like, Oh my god, they're gonna leave me, they're gonna leave me. Because it's actually a past trauma that's causing them to act that way, and this becomes hyperactivation. When you start dating someone, your system doesn't feel attraction. It doesn't just feel that, right? It'll feel attraction, but not just attraction. It scans for danger. Like, is this person gonna go away? Is this person gonna hurt me? So dating feels like high stakes, right? Survival, urgency. It's not that you like them more and you're hoping that they're just insanely crazy about you, it's that your body believes losing them equals danger, and that's important to understand because you can't heal what you shame, so don't shame yourself. It is absolutely not your fault that you are this way, but yes, you have to figure this out about yourself so you can work to change it. We do change our relationship styles, you know, whatever relationship style you are, and I don't fully buy into that's all we are, but it may be a component, you know. There's all these needs to assign, you know, some type of something to us, right? And thinking that we uh understand ourselves better, like love, language, and all these other things. But what I would say is no matter what your relationship style, you're responsible to be able to work with a partner and meet them halfway. Yeah, you know, so don't look at it as oh, something's wrong, or I gotta diagnose myself. Just look at it as I'm gonna figure this out and how to do things differently. So let's talk about what dating looks like with an anxious attachment person. Here are some common patterns. They're overinvested early. Yes, if you're anxious attachment, you're gonna overly invest early. And you feel chemistry and immediately imagine a future. You attach to potential, and this gets a lot of people in trouble, especially the ones who are anxious attached, right? They are just visualizing the future. These are people who will call and ask for reading and say, I just met this guy. Is he the one? Is she the one? Am I gonna marry them? Like they can't go through the process because they want to know that it's safe right away. And sometimes you can see that they're gonna marry them, but I h hesitate in saying that because I want to say, look, just because you can end up marrying this person doesn't mean they're the best person, it doesn't mean that it's gonna flow and be easy, because we still have these fantasies about relationships should be smooth all the time, but where they shouldn't be bad and abusive, they're not gonna be smooth all the time either. Because you're learning and healing, you know, a person probably wouldn't learn if they were an anxious attachment person unless they were dating. So relationships teach us about ourselves. Do not forget that they're not just to be in love and feel like all the giddiness. So if you're an anxious attachment, you're overgiving, you become accommodating, you ignore those small red flags, yes, and you may even explain them away. You may say yes when you mean maybe or no. You try to be the good woman, the best woman ever. He ain't never had a woman this good, right? You overdo it. You give, give, give, give, give to prove that he should choose you over everyone else. And men, there are some men definitely who are anxious attachment, right? I gear a lot of things towards women because I work with mostly women, but this applies to men too. Just put it in the reverse role. And if you are in a gay relationship, it still can apply, right? We're all humans. So this ties directly into overgiving, yes, and people pleasing. Something many of us have worked on in other areas of our life. So when you are an overgiver and a people pleaser, you're gonna do it in every aspect of your life, not just for friends, not just at work, not just you know, for family, you're gonna do it in your relationships too. It's part of who you are. That's why I'm really big on healing, overgiving, and people pleasing. And if they did okay, let's talk about text anxiety. If they don't respond quickly, your chest tightens, right? I've had people call and say, I haven't heard from this person in an hour or two. Is everything okay? Are they still interested? And it's like it's only been an hour or two, and we gotta remember we all work and get busy. But texting, they this is what I don't like about phones, is it's kind of convinced us that we should have instant responses. You know, even if someone's working or in a meeting or at the store or driving, and we have to stop doing this thinking that we deserve a message right away or something's wrong. It's when they're disappearing for a couple of days or so, then you get concerned, but not a few hours, never. And if they don't respond quickly, yes, your test will tighten, tighten. You replay your last message. Oh, did I say something wrong? Did it come out right? You wonder if you said something wrong for sure. This is not about the text, it's about attachment threat. You start believing that something's wrong with you, they're not gonna stay. And we really have harmed ourselves with modern technology to believe that people have to respond right away, that they can't be busy with other things, that they don't respond, they don't care. I've heard people say, I haven't heard from this person an hour, they must not care anymore. And I'm like, breathe, breathe, breathe. And I try to talk them down, right? Because that's a big assumption. And sadly, we don't know if something's happened. Sometimes, unfortunately, that could be it. So we have to stop centering things about us and that need for a response, especially if you're an anxious attachment person, you can't center yourself and say, I'm being abandoned if this person doesn't respond right away. Because it's not that simple. It's always something more, and sometimes they just need a break. Have you ever just needed to sit with yourself? Because when you're in a relationship, it shouldn't take over your life. It shouldn't. It should be a part of your life, it should add to your life, but it shouldn't take over or you gotta be on it, you know? You gotta prove yourself that you are in it. It shouldn't be like that. That's very anxious, attachment style. So let's talk about the emotional highs and lows. When they lean in, you feel great, you feel your fork, you're getting that attention, it's so good. When they lean out, you feel dropped. Even if they just take a moment, you feel abandoned. You feel like, uh oh, this one's gonna leave me too. And that roller coaster is nervous system dysregulation. That's what it is, not something's wrong with you, but there's something to explore about you. Okay? Remember, stop with this, something's wrong with me. It's dopamine plus cortisol cycling that causes that. And it could feel addictive, right? The high, low, it can. It could feel really addictive. So let's talk about how the person who is an anxious attachment style will attract an avoidant partner. Yes, yes. Let's go there. This is a part no one likes to hear. Because if you are an anxious attachment, you often pair with an avoidant attachment. Why? Because avoidant partners feel familiar, right? You had avoidant parents, you had avoidant caretakers. So because avoidant partners feel familiar, if you're if love was inconsistent growing up, it's inconsistency feels like chemistry. It's your norm, right? So yes, you would think that you will attract someone who's more like balanced, right? Because that's what you need, but no, it's because of what hasn't healed. You will attract an avoidant partner. Secure love can feel boring initially. You need that excitement, right? You need that chemistry. And people go, I don't feel the chemistry. Chemistry isn't a long-term relationship. Passion isn't a long-term relationship, it's when you can sit with boredom in a relationship and feel safe. That's when you know you're in it. It can't be 24-7 excitement, right? So secured love can initially feel very boring. You know, and people go, I just don't feel the chemistry, I just don't feel the interest. I just don't feel like this is a good relationship. And it's actually very healthy, very calm, but they don't like that. So they gotta find avoidant. And so avoidant partners create space, they need inde t independence and they pull back when things get intense. That's what happens with avoidant partners. But see, calm can feel like disinterest, you know, when things are boring. So you get an avoidant partner, and boy, they really trigger you. You know, because they're good at first avoidance, right? And then they start pulling back and needing space and needing to be on their own. Your nervous system interprets their distance as work harder, prove yourself, don't lose this. This activates your childhood strategy. And here's the truth: you're not attracted to avoidance, you are attracted to activation. They activate you because when you're with someone who's an avoidant, you think I'm gonna work harder to prove that I deserve their love, and they won't work with an avoidant. So that's the difference is that they trigger your activation to fight harder, to don't lose this love. You're not gonna lose again. So, what's happening in the body? This is a somatic explanation. What's when someone pulls away, your body as an anxious attachment doesn't think they're busy. You just don't go, oh, they're busy, it's okay. No, your body does not do that at all. Your body is not thinking they're busy, I'd be okay, I'd be safe. It thinks connection threat. Your sympathetic nervous system activates. You may feel that tight chest, shallow breathing, racing thoughts, compulsive urge to reach out, urgency to fix whatever it is, even if nothing's wrong, right? But you just feel like you gotta fix it. This is survival wiring, especially if you've experienced abandonment, betrayal, divorce, or deep grief. Yes, even grief can bring on an anxious attachment style. The body remembers. The body remembers everything, everything stored in our body. And this is where somatic work becomes powerful. Find a somatic therapist, do some somatic exercises. You too is full of it. Because you cannot logic your way out of a nervous system response, you regulate it. So you try to regulate this unhealthiness, right? You're trying to fix it. So let's talk about if you are an anxious attachment, how to date without abandoning yourself. Now we're gonna move into healing. Slow the pace intentionally. That's number one. You gotta slow the pace, you gotta feel safe with slow and boring and calm. That's so important. Because anxious attachment moves so fast. There are the people who want to move in right away, right? Because they think moving in is gonna secure their relationship. You don't need to escalate intimacy quickly, slow, slow, slow. And it's gonna feel uncomfortable going slow. So this is when you want to seek some type of therapy, right? And so you want to slow the communication frequency, the physical intimacy, you know. It you you want to slow those things down and the emotional disclosure, just like get to know each other. Safety grows slowly. Watch for reciprocity. Instead of asking, do they like me? Ask is this balanced? Are they initiating? Are you doing all the work? Are they consistent? Do their actions match their words instead of feeling abandoned or something's wrong. Just see if they're your right person. This is how you you can avoid the avoidant, right? Secure love feels steady. Not this intense stuff, right? Steady. Stop performing. If you're over-accommodating, you're overperforming, right? If you're hiding your needs, you're performing because usually the person who says, I don't want to speak up because you know I don't want to push them away, I don't want to upset him, that you're an anxious attachment style. If you're scared to speak your truth because you're scared of losing them. If you pretend not to care when you know deep down inside your trigger, that's performing. Saying yes when you want to say no, that's overgiving overgiving and performing. Pause. Anxious attachment often believes if on low maintenance they won't leave. That's what you're hoping. I just will be here, be nice, be pretty, be sweet. But I won't cause a ruckus. I won't ask for much. I'd be low maintenance, but I give him everything that he wants. And then it starts to feel bad, right? It starts to feel like, ooh, this is slop sided. But self-abasmement guarantees resentment later. It always does, especially when you're a people please or overgive or anxious attachment. You are going to have resentment later. Regulate before responding. Okay? Regulate before responding. If they pull back, do not text immediately. First put your hand on your chest. Take five slow breaths in and out. Name but you feel what are you feeling? Fear, anxiousness? Move your body, start wiggling, start slowly dancing. Just move the body, move it around. Tell yourself this is activation, not danger. Tell yourself you're not in danger. This doesn't mean you're gonna lose anybody. You're not being abandoned. Let the wave pass. Then respond from clarity, not panic. You know? Choose partners who choose you, and this takes time. Takes time to filter through this. We all gotta filter through it, right? You don't always get it right the first time, nobody does. So don't think that you will. Don't be hard on yourself when things go wrong, just work. Through what you gotta work through. So choosing partners who choose you, this is radical. Stop chasing people who are unsure. If someone is hot and cold, emotionally vague, noncommittal, avoiding conversation about direction, this is information. Anxious attachment clings to potential. Stop clinging to potential. Because potential is not real, it's fantasy, it's illusion. Secure attachment looks at patterns. So, yes, this is going to be different, right? But you instead of going, I really like this person, you may really like them, but are they the right person for you? And some people just they want to go look for anybody else, so they make the worst of the worst work. Don't do that. Okay, let's talk about rewiring your anxious attachment. Healing anxious attachment requires nervous system regulation. Yes, yes, yes, it does. Boundary work, rebuilding self-trust, and grieving unmet childhood needs. You gotta grieve that childhood. Just because it's years ago is still affecting you. We just continue into adulthood what wasn't healed, right? And childhood. Don't act like, oh, I should be over that. Don't bury it. Because it's resurfacing anyway, it's showing up in your relationships. So you're not trying to become less emotional or unbothered, you're learning to self-soothe, self-validate, self-anchor. That's what it's about when you heal these things and you do the boundary work. Because if you're anxious attachment, you don't have boundaries. So you don't rely on someone else to regulate you. And that's what you're hoping for when you're in anxious attachment. And sometimes the deeper layer is grief. I'm a grief coach. There's all ties of grief. I don't just focus on death. I started there, but I I said, wow, I've been doing this work for a long time and I talk to people with all sorts of issues. It's all grief beneath the surface. Grief for the love you didn't consistently receive. Grief for the safety you deserved, right? When you grieve it, you stop chasing it. Grieve, love. Grieve. Grief is powerful. Doesn't always have to be just said, I don't want to feel this awful thing. Gotta feel it to heal it. If you have anxious attachment, if that's who you are, I want you to hear this clearly. So we're gonna close this out. You're not too much. No, you're not needy, no, and no, you're not broken. You learn to survive inconsistency. You're a survivor. Now you're learning to choose stability because you don't want to continue this way as an anxious attachment, right? You're learning to choose stability. Secure love does not require performance, it does not require anxiety, and it definitely doesn't require self-abandonment. It feels calm, it feels chosen, it feels mutual, and you deserve that. So if this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who needs to hear it. And if you're ready to work on this deeper through somatic healing, boundary work, and nervous system repair, that's the work that we do in my groups. So definitely look me up on drdonnay.com and it'll take you to my social medias. It will take you to my two groups, and let's talk about doing the work. But thank you for listening and have a great day, and I will see you in the next episode.