The Problem with “High Value” and “Low Value” Dating Labels

“High value man” and “high value woman” sounds like confidence, but look closer and it often turns love into a marketplace where everyone gets priced, ranked, and replaced. I’m pulling apart why this language has exploded on social media, how it overlaps with red pill ideology, and why it can feel weirdly addictive when you’re tired of heartbreak and just want a rulebook that promises results.

We talk about the core claims behind the high value mindset and why it becomes sexist, transactional, and dehumanizing for both men and women. For men, it can create conditional self-worth and pressure to hide emotions, turning vulnerability into “weakness” and connection into a power game. For women, it often starts as self-improvement and slides into self-editing: be softer, be smaller, do not challenge, do not outshine. If you’re an empath, a nurturer, a people pleaser, or an overgiver, that messaging can hit the deepest fear: “If I’m fully me, I won’t be loved.”

I also offer a different definition of value that supports healthy relationships and spiritual relationships: inner work, therapy, accountability, honest communication, emotional safety, and mutual respect. Real love doesn’t ask you to disappear. It asks you to show up, heal, and choose each other with clarity instead of fear.

If this helped you rethink dating advice and relationship expectations, subscribe, share it with a friend who needs it, and leave a review with your take: what does “high value” mean to you?

Transcript

Welcome And Why This Matters

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Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today I want to talk about something that has been circulating everywhere on the internet for the past several years. You've probably seen it. The language of high value men and high value women. You see it on TikTok, you see it on YouTube, you see it on dating podcasts. It's everywhere. And I've been seeing it a lot over the past few years. And I'm just like, here we go, another way of repackaging relationships. But what I realized the more that I looked into this and studied this, and now I understand some of my clients and their questions regarding relationships, that this is just farther away from where we should be going when it comes to relationships, especially if you want a spiritual relationship. But we live in this society that is very shallow, right? It's about the power couple image and you know looking nice and having all the things and looking successful and happy and in love. But really, it's all surface stuff, and we know that a lot of those power couples are struggling beneath the surface. We hear the stories, right, of them actually struggling financially or about to divorce, and some awful things happen where they may even unalive themselves or their partner or you know other family members because of the stress of trying to keep up an image that has fallen apart. So now we're going to talk about the language and the image of a high-value man and a high-value woman. And a lot of this is wrapped in the red pill ideology. I always thought I could stay away from the red pill ideology, but I can't. At first glance, it sounds empowering, right? It sounds like people are encouraging others to become their best selves. But if you look a little deeper, you begin to notice something troubling. Most of the language is actually deeply sexist, transactional, and dehumanizing for both men and women. It's not good for either men or women. And even worse, I've watched many women, especially sensitive, empathic, nurturing women, lose themselves trying to become what these faces say a woman should be. And yes, I have seen it, and yes, it's sad. So today we're going to unpack what the high value ideology actually is, where it comes from, why this is so appealing to men and women, and why women are fighting to get a high value man and to be themselves a high value woman, and how this narrative harms both men and women, and why women, especially Hillers, Impasse, Overgivers, are particularly vulnerable to it. Yes, they are. Okay, where does the high value ideal come from? Where did it come from? The ideal of high value originally comes from market language. Yes. Think about how people talk about stocks. High value stocks, low value stocks, assets, market demand. Now imagine applying the same logic to human beings. That's essentially where the ideology comes from, and this is what it does. In many red pill communities, men are told that their value is determined by things like income, status, power, sexual access, dominance over women, right? And women, on the other hand, are told that their value is based on youth, physical attractiveness, sexual history, right? Low knowledge. When they want to ask, well, how many partners you've had, right? Um women aren't supposed to have as many, but men can have more. And submissiveness and their ability to support a man. And so this ideology is asking for women to not be their full selves, right? And to forever look young and forever to be attractive and to be submissive. And so both parties end up losing themselves. So instead of relationships being based on mutual respect, emotional connection, and shared growth, they become kind of a marketplace exchange. Men provide money and status, women provide beauty and loyalty. And that's really what it looks like. And the framework strips away the complexity and humanity of relationships and replaces it with something that feels more like an economic transaction, definitely a very surface transaction. And you you know, I plan to do a podcast soon on the desire for always wanting more and better. And this is what this mindset chases when you say, Are you a high value man or a high value woman? This is what you're chasing. You know, you're chasing for more and more, but it's more in the wrong direction. So let's talk about the red pill movement. The term red pill comes from the movie The Matrix. In the film, the red pill means waking up to the truth of reality. But in the online world, this phrase was adopted by communities that claim men are being deceived by by society about women and relationships. And red pill influences often teach ideals like women are, you know, hyper monogamous, meaning they only want the highest status. Man. The men must dominate relationships to avoid being manipulated. Emotional vulnerability is weakness for men. Women should be controlled or managed, and these spaces relationships are framed almost like a strategic game. Men are taught tactics, how to maintain power, how to avoid emotional attachment, how to keep women competing for them. Now here's the important part. Many men who enter these communities are actually hurting. They're hurting. They're looking for love. They're they're dealing with the male loneliness epidemic, and they're trying to seek help, to do better, be better, to get stronger, to attract a partner, and this is just in the wrong direction for them. So they may have experienced rejection, loneliness, divorce, or betrayal prior to this. So they enter this community looking for connection, community amongst men. But instead of helping them process pain in a healthy way, these faces often redirect their pain into resentment towards women. Yes, it becomes less about healing and more about blame. And this is kind of where this high value stuff comes from. And so why does this hurt men too? This high value language. Even though red pill spaces claim to empower men, they actually harm men in several ways. First, they teach men that their worth is conditional. And yeah, men struggle with self-esteem issues. We forget that men are humans, and you know, they have their own issues with insecurities and doubts, and they need to be told that they are worthy. And so first they teach men this, that their worth is conditional, that if you are not rich enough, strong enough, dominant enough, or successful enough, then you are considered low value. And that's very sad and unfortunate because I don't even think half of the population makes six figures. And so how are we going to define high value? Like how much money do you have to make? Is it 100,000? Is it 500,000? Is it being a millionaire, billionaire? What is that? And a lot of people aren't there. You know, a lot of people are making sixty, seventy, eighty thousand a year, and they're doing just fine, but they'll be told that they're low value based on that. I I remember I was listening to a guy, he's no longer alive, I forgot his name, and he was saying that women who are nurses are low value because they're not making a hundred thousand a year. And I thought, a nurse is always high value for what they do for us, right? And so we have to be careful with our language and what we expect people to be and how much they're supposed to make. So this creates enormous pressure, right? To feel like you're not rich enough or strong enough or dominant enough or successful enough. And second, these spaces often discourage emotional death. Exactly. Men are told don't open up, don't be vulnerable, don't express hurt. But emotional suppression is not strength. It often leads to anger, isolation, depression, difficulty forming real intimacy because you're not opening up, right? Healthy relationships require emotional availability, not emotional armor. And that goes for anyone, male or female. When men are taught to hide their humanity, they struggle to experience the very connection they really want. And yes, men are seeking real connection. I know sometimes there's stereotypes that all men cheat, but that's not true. Not true at all. A lot of men do want a family, want to be married, want to be loved, want to be monogamous, want to feel connected to a partner. So let's talk about why many women get pulled into this. Let's talk about it. Now let's talk about women. Because I see many women, especially empathic nurturing women, falling into this trap. They begin watching videos of how to become a high value woman. And at first it sounds reasonable. Work on yourself, you know, yeah, we should all work on ourselves, right? Improve your life. Take care of your health. You know, yeah, these are important things. But then the message starts shifting to women are told, be softer. Yeah, because you're in your masculine energy if you're not soft, right? Be more submissive, don't challenge men, don't be too successful, don't intimidate men. And there are a lot of successful women playing small because they're scared that they're not going to get a partner if they are strong and successful and educated and a lot of them will shrink because there's that fear of I won't attract a man unless I do shrink. And suddenly the focus is no longer about authentic self-growth, right? It becomes about shrinking yourself to fit someone else's comfort. Women begin editing themselves, they silence their opinions. They do. I've seen it, they suppress their intelligence, yes, and they even play dumb and ditzy sometimes. They tolerate behavior that doesn't feel good. All because they're told that this is what makes them valuable. For women who already struggle with people pleasing or overgiving, and a lot of women do unfortunately, because we're groomed that way, this messaging can be especially damaging. Are you hearing that? Because it reinforces the ideal that love must be earned through self-abandonment, and that's really what happens here. And so this language of being a high value woman becomes a woman who has lost herself, and she is definitely practicing self-abandonment. So this is why this is an issue. And you know, as a reader, y you know, I do probably majority of my readings have been about relationships over the past 24 years. I know a lot about relationships, and I've learned a lot how people respond to them because of this work, you know, and how it affects people. And I know that a lot of people are afraid to be alone, they're afraid to be single, they're afraid of being judged for being single, and they will do what it takes to find a partner, and they will make it their job to find someone, even if they start losing themselves in the process. And that's what's unfortunate. Both men and women will do this because it becomes, well, I have to make this happen. So it's not about meeting in the middle or compromising, it's totally surrendering self and not being who you are authentically, just to have someone in your life. So let's talk about losing yourself in the process. One of the saddest things I see is women who slowly lose their identity, trying to become what these ideologies promote. They start monitoring everything they do. Am I feminine enough? Right? What is that? What is femininity? What is it? How do you define it? It's different for each person. And you know, it's interesting if we see a woman who may look tough or she's in sports, people may call her, you know, a lesbian or something, and it doesn't mean any of that. You know, it's really unfortunate how you start getting stereotyped if you don't look like the social expectation of what is feminine, but what is that? How do you define it? It's different for each person. Am I agreeable enough? What is it to be agreeable? And I see women falling into that, I'm gonna like what he likes, and I'm gonna want what he wants, and I'm just gonna follow his lead. And you know, if you want to do some of that, that's your business, but are you losing yourself to do it? And also am I to opinionate it? Yeah, I and I've seen that I remember in my younger years, like in my early twenties, when I didn't realize 'cause I was so busy struggling in school, I was just trying to get through school and take care of my kid. How many of my friends were starting to get relationships and I would hang out with some of them and I would observe? And they were just so agreeable and they wouldn't like express opinions. They wanted to agree because and they got uncomfortable. And you know, me, I always sometimes I guess I had foot in the mouth because I always spoke my truth. Um, they were looking at me like it was uncomfortable, and I'm like, Why are you my friend? You know this is who I've always been. I'm just gonna say what's on my mind. But I realized how we do this as women, you know, in our younger years we stopped being less of ourselves, and I think this is what prevented me from getting married, that I was always afraid of losing myself because I liked who I was so much, so it's like I date, but getting married, I can't. I can't lose me, and that's how I interpreted that from seeing that so much with friendships. I just didn't want a husband enough to lose myself, and that's what it looked like at that time, because we were young and that's what you were taught to do, and I just couldn't do it because I've given up so much of myself just trying to grow and heal. And I just said, no, I I can't get married because when I would get with someone, I just felt like, okay, I date you, but I can't get serious with you because I see how I'm gonna have to change to make this work, and that you're not gonna meet me in the middle. And my biggest fear in life was always losing who I am because I worked so hard to be her and I've done so much therapy to be her. I didn't want to give up, Donna. But I understand how it happens, why it happens. It was an observation more than a judgment. I get it. And if you want a partner, you may feel like you had to have done that at that time, but now we're understanding this stuff doesn't work. So this is performing a role, right? Rather than living authentically by being agreeable and not being too independent or too opinionated, you know. This is part of performing. So when you're constantly performing, you eventually lose connection to yourself. Real relationships don't require you to disappear, they require you to show up fully as yourself, and we know this in spiritual relationships. Is both parties doing the healing work so that they can show up authentically and really love and accept and meet each other where each other is at in a healthy way. So let's talk about the truth about healthy relationships. Healthy relationships are not built on power hierarchies, they're not. They're built on mutual respect for each other, emotional safety, honest communication, shared responsibility. A healthy partner partner is not evaluating your market value. Are you a high value man or a high value woman? They are seeing your humanity, your quirks, your strengths, your imperfections, because we all have them, right? The goal of a relationship is not to win, the goal is to grow together. And so if you get caught up in, you know, what it means to be high value, is that really high value? If you think about what I discussed so far, how we define it for men, you you know, having to be super tough and not having emotions and dominating, is that really high value and you know, making a lot of money? Is that high value? Or would it be better to have a man who can open up and be vulnerable and discuss his feelings and connect with you and and be his authentic self and and show his vulnerabilities? That to me is a high value man. And a high value woman not, you know, being able to show her intelligence and having to just kind of, you know, look up to him and admire him and him lead the way and she doesn't get to be herself, would that be a high value woman? Yeah, you know, it it's interesting how we twist these the language all the time, and it gets us farther away from where we want to be when it comes to love, relationship, and connections, right? Because all of this performance is performing, it's not about being authentic, and relationships require you to show up as your authentic self and doing the work on yourself daily to get closer to your partner. That's really what it is, and to me, high value is going to therapy and really doing the inner work. That's the ultimate high value because you can always figure out money and everything else, but the healing has to be first. So I define high value as a person who has gone to therapy or is going, doing the inner work, discovering themselves, taking responsibility for their behaviors, who they are, their needs, their desires, and communicating clearly and completely with their partner, showing up. That's my definition of high value. So I'm going to close this out. So when you hear the phrase like high value man or high value woman, it's worth pausing and asking yourself a question. Who benefits from reducing human beings to categories of value? Because real love doesn't operate like a marketplace. It operates through connection, empathy, and authenticity. You don't have to become someone else to be worthy of love. You don't. You don't have to rank yourself against others. And you certainly don't need an internet ideology telling you what your value is. Your value is inherent. It always has been. And the healthiest relationships are built between people who see each other as equals, not commodities, right? It's really seen The soul of your partner versus seeing them as you know a commodity of are you high value today? You know, the question is, are we showing up for each other? That's a real question. Are we loving each other? Are we hearing each other? Are we seeing each other? Are we choosing each other every day? Because if you base things on this false definition of high value, you won't make it. Your relationship won't survive, and it could be a disastrous ending. So I want to thank you for listening today. If this episode resonated with you, feel free to share it with someone who might need to hear it. And please, um I you know I can't see enough doing this work. Um doing readings, talking to people throughout the years. Seek a relationship from a place of you know authenticity, not desperation, not fear. Because that's the relationship that's going to make it, is one that is authentic and one that is wholeness, not fear based or am I enough? So I want to thank you for listening and have a great day, and I see you in the next episode.