How Shame Shapes Your Life And How To Release It

Shame can run your life while you’re busy blaming your personality. That constant urge to prove yourself, keep everyone happy, stay silent, or never start until it’s perfect often has a single engine underneath it: shame that was learned early and carried for years. We talk plainly about how shame shows up as people pleasing, overgiving, perfectionism, staying in unhealthy relationships, fear of being seen, and difficulty receiving love and why so many good, talented people hold back because they don’t want to be judged.

We also break down a key distinction that changes everything: guilt says you did something wrong, shame says you are wrong. Guilt can guide better behavior, but shame attacks your identity and convinces you you’re unworthy. From there we trace how shame forms through childhood messages like constant criticism, being told you’re “too sensitive,” emotional neglect, chaos at home, or being blamed for things that were never your responsibility. That survival strategy may have helped you cope then, but it can become an identity later unless you unlearn it.

Because shame lives in the body, we lean into somatic healing and nervous system support. You’ll hear simple practices you can try immediately: gentle grounding with breath and a hand on your heart or stomach, plus small posture shifts that signal safety. We end with the real medicine for shame: self-compassion, the skill of treating yourself like someone you love, and the reminder that life is too short to hide your gifts. If this resonates, subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more people can stop carrying shame in silence.

Transcript

Why Shame Runs So Much

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Hello, it's Dr. Donna and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today we're going to talk about something that quietly shaped so many lives, but that very few people openly discuss. And that is shame. Yes, a lot of people have a lot of issues with shame. And we're going to talk about how to stop carrying shame that was never yours. Shame is one of the most powerful emotional forces in the human experience. It can sit quietly in the background of our lives and influence how we see ourselves, how we relate to others, and what we believe we deserve. Yes. Shame is often the hidden engine behind things like people pleasing, overgiving, staying in unhealthy relationships, perfectionism, fear of being seen, and even difficulty receiving love. And I want to talk about that for a minute. A lot of times people will people please to avoid, you know, judgment from others, and so they don't feel shame. So they're just like I make everybody happy. And that's why they overgive. And people will stay in unhealthy relationships because it's embarrassing to break up or to be divorced, or you know, everybody else is in a relationship and I won't be one. Perfectionism. People are afraid of being embarrassed. That's why they try to be perfect, and they won't start anything or accomplish anything unless they believe it to be perfect, because they don't want to be judged. And the fear of being seen, so many people struggle with that. I remember first coming onto the internet, it's like this is weird, yeah, you know, and you have to get used to being seen and people judging you and critiquing you for whatever reason, right? And even with difficulty receiving love, if you feel shame, you won't feel like worthy of love. Many people who struggle with shame carry a deep inner message that says, Something is wrong with me. Not just that they made a mistake, but they themselves are the mistake. And it's interesting because that is something that I've noticed throughout the years of doing this work, readings and coaching. People don't want to ever make mistakes, and you know that goes back to some type of trauma in childhood because everyone makes mistakes, no one's perfect, there's no such thing as perfect. And people who call themselves perfectionists often have a childhood where there was trauma, and so they feel the need to be perfect, and so that's where that comes from. So today I want to talk about how shame forms, how it lives in the body, and how we can begin to heal it in a gentle and compassionate way. Because that shame is not something you fix by forcing yourself to think positively. Yeah, because you can't just think positive or say, I don't make mistakes, I always get it right. And I remember one time I just did a post, I put it on all my social medias that said, I make good choices, I'm proud of my choices. I didn't even use the word mistakes, and it got the most likes, you know, and a lot of people I see posts where they say, I don't make mistakes, and you know that's trauma because we all do something that we wish we shouldn't have done. I don't like calling it a mistake because it is anything a mistake. You know, there's a reason for it, cause and effect at the very least. So let's talk about how shame heals through understanding safety and self-compassion. What shame actually is. Let's begin by understanding what shame actually is. Shame is different from guilt. Guilt says I did something wrong. Shame says I am wrong. Guilt can actually be healthy because it helps guide our behavior, right? You have a conscience, you have empathy, you have compassion, you know you want to do the right thing, but shame attacks our core identity. It makes us feel fundamentally flawed or unworthy. Shame often develops early in life when a child repeatedly receives messages that their feelings, needs, or personality are unacceptable. Yes, if you've had parents who are demanding, right? For example, being criticized constantly. A lot of parents do this shit and they don't even realize that they're doing it because they grew up with it and they're just continuing the behavior or being told you're too sensitive. That's just cruelty. Because it's saying you can't feel the way you feel. You know, and that is cruelty. Being ignored emotionally. You cannot ignore a child's emotional needs. No matter what's going on in your life as a parent or a caretaker, you must tend to that child because you are shaping them. Growing up in chaos or instability, there are a lot of homes like that. I was surprised. As I've gotten older and done this work, I've learned a lot. Being blamed for things that were never your responsibility, and that happens a lot. When children receive this, they don't think my environment is unhealthy. No, they're children, they're not gonna think that. Instead, they think something must be wrong with me. Because children are wired to believe they're caregivers. That's how they're wired, right? So shame becomes a survival strategy, yes. It becomes a way for the mind to make sense of pain. That's what shame is, and so many people grew up with it. Hopefully, you know, with all this information on social media and therapy becoming more acceptable, um, we'd do better, right? The whole world needs to do better. So how shame lives in the body. One of the most important things to understand about shame is that it is not just a psychological experience. It is definitely a somatic experience. Meaning it lives in the body. When people feel shame, you often see physical changes. They may drop their head, avoid eye contact, collapse their shoulders, feel tightness in their chest, feel hate in their face and want to disappear. Yes. This is because shame activates the nervous system in a way that signals social danger. Human beings are wired for connection. Yes, we are. So when the brain receives rejection or humiliation, it can trigger a powerful stress response. The body begins to shut down or withdraw. This is why people dealing with deep shame often say things like I want to hide. You know, they just want to hide. Or they say, I feel like I shouldn't exist. Boy, I hear people say that it's so sad. The body is trying to protect itself from further emotional injury. That's what's going on. But when shame stays stuck in the nervous system, it can quietly shape a person's entire life. It can and it will, and it can do so much harm to the person physically and mentally. People can start getting sick, you know, they can start having health complications. So let's talk about how shame shows up in an adult life. Shame doesn't just stay in childhood, it often follows people into adulthood in subtle ways. For example, shame can show up as people pleasing. Yes, when someone feels unworthy deep down, they may try to earn their place in relationships to by constantly giving, right? To just give and give. Shame can also show up as perfectionism, because that's the root of perfectionism. Perfectionism is often not about excellence, it's about avoiding criticism or rejection. If everything is perfect, maybe no one will see the part of you that feels flawed. Right? Because perfectionists feel flawed. Shame can also appear as self-sabotage. It definitely can. Sometimes when people start moving forward, something with something they want, success, love, visibility, an old voice inside them says, Who do you think you are? You're not good enough. And this is why a lot of people don't go after their dreams. They just don't go after it. You know, you're going to be exposed. That voice is often shame. It is an echo of old messages that were absorbed years ago. I want to talk about this. A lot of people who are jealous of people living their dreams of being successful. They're not jealous because of the material items are, you know, the money part, maybe a little bit, right? But they're really jealous of the courage, the courage to take the risk, to risk doing it wrong, to risk not getting it right, right? The risk of being seen and judged and critiqued. You know, there that's what people envy, is that someone has the courage to just stand out and say, This is who I am, and I deserve to be here. And shame gets in the way of so many excellent people who have so much to offer, right, to the world, and they are not gonna offer it up because they don't want to be embarrassed or critiqued or shamed. And if you can just sit with shame and say, you know what, I you it is real. People are gonna say something. I've had horrible things said about me, and sometimes I will respond and say, laugh or make a snarky remark and they're shocked. I said, because you won't stop me from doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I remember in the beginning not wanting to be seen, you know, not wanting to be in the middle of all this. Even working on the psychic site, it was a fishbowl, and it's very competitive. You'd be surprised how competitive psychic spiritual people are, and it was nasty. And you know, I got used to it there, and that helped with social media, but it's still a big leap, right? And a lot of people won't take that leap that should be taking that leap because they have so much to offer because they're worried about what people will think. Well, you you know, if somebody has something negative to say, they're just projecting, they're projecting their wounds. Let it go, but it may trigger parts of you that says it must be true. That's when you got to talk to a therapist, right? That's when you gotta go seek help. That's when you seek help. So let's talk about why shame is so hard to heal. Shame is difficult to heal because it thrives in secrecy and isolation, right? People aren't talking about their shame. They don't even want to go to a therapist and talk about it. Most people feel ashamed of their shame. They do. So they hide it. They don't talk about it at all. They don't share the parts of themselves that feel broken because people are always trying to make it seem like they're fine when they're not. And that's a social construct to act like everything's okay, to show the good parts. And we even know people who do show up on social media are often hiding, you know, problems that they have, and then we hear these horror stories how they took their own lives. Yeah, you know, so nobody's discussing shame. But silence actually strengthens the shame. You don't want to stay silent on that. You want to speak it. The more something stays hidden, the more powerful it becomes. This is why healing shame often requires safe connection. Yes. You gotta have a safe connection. When someone experiences compassion instead of judgment, something powerful happens. The nervous system begins to relax, the body begins to realize I am accepted, I am worthy, I am still human, and this is incredibly healing. So, yes, we need safe people, and sometimes you know the people who love us can't always do that, so that's why a therapist, a coach, a counselor, somebody else needs to come in and help with that, because a lot of times people have their own issues, so they can't be your therapist. So we're gonna talk about the next one. The first step to healing shame. The first step in healing shame is awareness. Many people have lived with shame for so long that they assume it's just part of who they are. Yeah, they're in their forties, fifties, sixties, still living with it. Because they came from a time they were born before where you didn't really discuss therapy. A lot of people went to therapy before they were forced into it, like court-ordered, you know, therapy or y you know, to get custody or something bad happened. That's how a lot of people ended up going, it seems. Very few people walked in and said, I need help. And so a lot of people have it as a part of their identity because they were never shown that it was safe to heal. But shame is not your identity, it is something that was learned, and anything that is learned can be unlearned. Start noticing when shame appears. You might show up as thoughts like, I am not enough, I'm too much. Yeah, don't let anybody tell you you're too much. That's bullshit. Um, I shouldn't feel that way. When those thoughts appear, pause. Instead of attacking yourself, simply acknowledge what's happening. You might say to yourself, This is shame talking. Just naming it can create space between you and your belief, right? You just call it for what it is. This is shame talking. It's not me. It's because of what I experienced younger, but I'm unlearning it. So let's do a somatic healing practice for shame. Let's do it. Because shame lives in the body, healing often requires somatic practices. You know, everything that we experience in life, it's in our subconscious, but it's also in our body, and so that's why I'm very big on somatic practices. This means working with the body rather than just the mind. One simple practice is gentle grounding. Let's talk about gentle grounding. When shame arises, bring awareness to your breath. Place a hand on your heart or your stomach, or even you can place one hand on your heart and one on your stomach. Take slow, steady breaths. Let your body feel supported. Another helpful practice is lifting the posture. When shame is active, the body tends to collapse. It does. Gently straighten, straighten your spine, lift your head, relax your shoulders. These small physical changes send signals to the nervous system that you are safe. Over time, these practices can slowly release shame that has been stored in the body. Yes. So let's talk about compassion as being the antidote to shame, because it is. So you have a nice somatic practice, just simple, right? And now we're gonna talk about how compassion is the antidote to shame. The most powerful medicine for shame is self-compassion. People will talk about having compassion for others, but you gotta have self-compassion. You deserve your own compassion just like other people that you give it to. And it should start with you first. And I know that word can feel difficult for people who have spent years criticizing themselves, and criticizing yourself has not paid off, and you're not gonna tell me that it has. It does not pay off. But self-compassion simply means treating yourself the way you would treat someone you love. When you have self-compassion, you can love yourself more and more. Imagine a friend coming to you in pain. You would not say, You're pathetic, you should be better than this. You would never say that. I notice that people with shame are so nice to other people often, quite often. And so be nice to yourself. You would offer kindness, you would offer understanding, you offer patience, right? You would do so many things to help that person feel comforted and supported. But you would never say you're pathetic, you're a loser, you can't do anything right. And yes, you're saying those things to yourself because of what you were told growing up, and it's unfortunate that that happened. It's unfortunate that somewhere along the way you learn that you have to criticize yourself in order to survive, to feel worthy, but no, you don't. You don't have to shame yourself. We can't shame ourselves into success or into happiness or into peace. It doesn't work, it's just doesn't work. It's like being on the hamstring wheel, you're just spinning, right? Going nowhere. And so you have to give yourself permission to have self-compassion and start untying the thing, untying those thoughts, right? Start with journaling. Start with getting honest with yourself. You know, sometimes it's very hard to meet things in our childhood, and people will naturally bury it or they will rewrite the story so it's not that bad because that's how they had to cope. I've seen a lot of people do that. And so maybe you have done that, but now you're gonna get painfully honest with yourself and say, This is real, this hurt me, this happened, and now I'm gonna fix it so I can be who I'm supposed to be. Life is short. Tomorrow's not promised to anybody. There's no guarantee that we're gonna wake up or get through the day or make it back home. So what do you want to do with your time on this earth? How do you want to spend it? Do you want to spend it with regrets? We hear the stories all the time when people are on their deathbed. People who get to that point where they don't die suddenly, they get to be, you know, in hospice. I don't know if that's good or bad, I'm a death duelist. Some people they like that they had that moment so that they can reflect on things and and share. And some people it's more painful, right? So it depends. But you you know, for people who have time before they die, they always say, I regret not taking the chances that I should have taken, taking the risk that I should have taken. Do you want a life like that? We need to learn from those people who are leaving us and going home to the other side of the veil. They're trying to tell us something. And that's something always keep in mind. You know, and so do you want to waste time shaming yourself and feeling unworthy? No, you want to spend this time giving what you're supposed to be giving to this world, your gifts, your creativity. It's sinful not to give your gifts. It really is. And and that's how I see sin that if you don't live your true life, that's sinful to To yourself, right? If you don't show up the way you're supposed to show up. And so if you have shame, you gotta heal that so that you can show up how you're supposed to show up. You're not here on this earth just to take up space. And a lot of you know what you're supposed to be doing. And so peel off the layers and unpack what you need to unpack so you can be who you're supposed to be. So I want to close this out. If shame has been part of your life, I want you to hear something clearly. You're not broken, no. You're not defective, no. Shame is often the result of experiences that no one should have had to carry alone. And healing is possible. It happens slowly, it happens gently, and it happens through compassion, connection, and learning to come back to yourself. The parts of you that feel ashamed are often the parts that were hurt the most. They don't need punishment. Those parts need understanding. So I want to thank you for listening today. And I want you to think about this because the more we walk we talk about shame, the less power it has. So I want to thank you for listening. Have a good day, and I see you in the next episode.