You Cannot Control Opinions So Take Back Your Power

We name the fear that people are talking about us and how it quietly shapes our words, our visibility, and our ability to be real. We reframe gossip as information, ground the reaction in the nervous system, and choose self-trust over people pleasing. 
• fear of judgment shaping authenticity, vulnerability, and visibility 
• accepting that people will talk and dropping the need to control it 
• how childhood criticism and rejection wire the nervous system for social threat 
• why control becomes overediting, shrinking, and overexplaining 
• using negative talk as data about someone’s maturity and character 
• strengthening boundaries by deciding who gets access to our energy 
• refusing to defend ourselves to people committed to misunderstanding 
• a simple somatic reset to stop the mental spiral 
• emotional independence as the real freedom and the path back to self-trust 

Transcript

Welcome And The Fear Spiral

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, it's Dr. Donna, and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today I'm gonna talk about something that almost everyone struggles with at some point in their life. Um is not foreign. And that is this deep uncomfortable fear of what are people saying about me? Are they talking about me? Did I do something wrong? Do they like me? Did I upset them? And the truth is this kind of thinking can quietly run your life. Not ruined, but run your life if you don't become aware of it. Because it affects how you show up. Because if you're so worried about what people are saying about you, it's gonna stop you from showing up as an authentic person. You just won't be your authentic self. And it affects what you say, so you're not gonna speak your whole truth because you're gonna try to say it in a way where you think people will agree with you or not speak bad about you, and it affects what you share, it takes away your vulnerability when you worry about what people think because you won't be as vulnerable, and we're meant to be vulnerable beings. So it also affects how visible you allow yourself to be. A lot of people aren't visible as they should be online because they don't want criticism or they worry about what people think, and I remember being like that, and then at one point, when you know I got to a point where I just said, I don't care, people have to say they don't know me. And when people make a rude remark, I just respond and say thank you, or make sometimes I make a snarky comment, I can't help myself, and they're shocked, and they're shocked that I didn't run. And so hopefully this podcast will help, you know, because over time you can't worry about what people think, and a lot of times the readings that come up, what does this person think of me or that person thinks of me? And sometimes you need to know so you know how to deal with that person, but or you know, that co-worker or the boss, but in general, and even your romantic partner, but in general, you don't want to obsess over what people think about you because they're not really thinking about you in the most authentic sense when they do, and people don't think about us as much as we think they do. A lot of times we're replaying it in our head over and over. You know, oh, do I say this right? Do I do this right? They must be talking about me. And when I have to tell people, you know, it's not even a thought. They're not even thinking, they're like, Well, why do I feel this? It's like because it's your thoughts, it's your perception, it's your assumption that you're being talked about when you're not. And so today I want to help you break free from that cycle of caring what other people think, because really who cares, right? Who cares? And I say that in a confident way and also in a snarky way, because it used to be so consuming to care and try to be a certain way. I used to want to be liked, and when I look back, I just think that's sad. I know that was a trauma response, and now I don't care if people like me or not. I'm just gonna be me, and I understand energy and alignment, and it attracts who's supposed to be in my life. So let's start with this: the truth that you need to accept. Let's start with something very direct. People are going to talk about you, some just will, right? I'm sure I've been gossiped about, even in what I thought were friend circles, and that happens to all of us at one time or another. They just are. But no matter how kind you are, no matter how careful you are, no matter how much you try to be liked, especially kind people get talked about because of jealousy. People are jealous that they are liked by others, so some w kind people get talked about. Um, you can't do anything about it. There will always be opinions. People have opinions, you know, judgments, conversations happening without you. And this is the part most people resist. They think if I just do everything right, no one will talk about me. Oh, they'd talk about you more. Well, there's no such thing as doing everything right, but even if you came close, even if you're just really nice and really perfect and really careful and caring and kind, you're st you're gonna get talked about even more because the jealous people will start talking about you. But see, that's not reality. That's why it's not reality. And actually, the more visible you become, the more aligned you become, the more you start choosing yourself, the more people will have something to say. So the goal is to not stop, you know, is not to try to stop people from talking. It isn't, because you can't control that. The goal is to stop letting it control you. And if you think about it, successful people get talked about a lot. People love to hear dirt about them, love to see their mistakes, their flaws, and it's really sad when people do. And as I've watched people grow online, I see some of the comments that people make. People get jealous and threatened by people who start growing and succeeding and living their dreams and taking the risk, and you will get talked about. When I worked just on a platform, we were in a fish bowl, and I got talked about by so-called other psychics and spiritual people. And one day I just told them a gentle screw off. I wasn't that clean about it, and you realize that you can't win for losing if you care about what people say. So let's talk about why this feels so intense. Now let's talk about why this hits so deeply people talking about you, because this is not just about people talking. This is about your nervous system and your past experiences. For many people, this fear comes from being judged as a child, being rejected or excluded, yes, being criticized or misunderstood, learning that safety equals being liked. So your body learned if people talk about me, I'm not safe. And it makes you want to control the perception that people have of you so that you can feel safe. And now as an adult, even the ideal that someone might be talking about you can trigger anxiety, and it does for people. They get anxious, they're like, Why are people talking about me? I just don't understand. It's like they don't know either, they're just doing it. Trust me. A lot of people don't even know why they do the things they do, and it could trigger overthinking. Yes, a lot of times people are overthinking and then we make things worse when we overthink. It could trigger people pleasing. If I just start people pleasing, they won't talk about me. And it could trigger self-doubt. Absolutely. Your mind starts spinning. What did I do? Should I fix it? Do they hate me? But this isn't actually about the present moment. This is your nervous system trying to protect you from something old, and trust me, grown adults suffer from this too. This isn't just a teenager thing or a young person thing. Grown adults, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, you you know, will suffer from this. And it's unfortunate. And it's because it's happened so much, it's like here it goes again. So it's a nervous system thing. So let's talk about the illusion of control, because control is an illusion. There's no such thing as control. We never really have control. Here's where we need to get really honest. A lot of this anxiety comes from trying to control something that is uncontrollable. You cannot control what people think. You can't control what's going on in their head. You can't control what people say. You can't. They're gonna say what they say because they got their own stuff going on, right? How people interpret you, they have their own filter. You know, when people go, well, that person's nice, and the other person says that person isn't nice, and it's the same person, right? That they're judging differently. You can't control it. You can't tr control what stories people create about you because it's their filter, their stuff, healed, unhealed, their junk, right? Getting in the way, so you can't control it. And when you try to control it, guess what happens? You end up editing yourself, right? You just kind of put in little edits, you're not being your full authentic self, you're not saying everything that you feel, and you start shrinking. You're playing small, let me just hide. I just hide in a corner until I feel better, but you won't feel better magically. You overexplain. A lot of us have done that, over-explained for what reason. And and it's interesting when you stop over explaining, people look at you like you're not upset. How can you not overexplaining? It it's really interesting. And you will abandon your truth because you're trying to control what people say, think, or how they feel about you, or the stories they make up about you, and you can't. All in a in an attempt to manage other people's perceptions. But here's the truth. Even if you explain yourself perfectly, even if you show up perfectly, people will still interpret you through their own lens. Understand that. They will interpret you through their own lens, their own wounds. People have their own wounds. You know, s I've s there's this one person that used to always show up online and she's just dancing and meditating. Beautiful girl. And people say, I just don't like her. Other women say, I just don't like her. It's like, why? She's just dancing, but it's something in her is triggering them. Maybe because she's more confident and that triggers them, or she's beautiful and that triggers them. Who knows? And so they're like, I just don't like her. And I'm like, but she's so cute. See doing her belly dancing, but you know, everybody has reasons, and it's not always legitimate reasons, it could be their own wounds, their own beliefs, their own projections, their own insecurities. Sometimes people get talked about just for being confident. So you lose yourself trying to manage something you were never meant to control. And believe me, everybody gets talked about. And you know, so what? Think of it that way. So what what can I do? Reframe. Let's talk about this. What people say about you is data. That's interesting. Look at it as being data. Now, here's a powerful shift. Instead of fearing what people say about you, start seeing it as information. Because when someone talks about you negatively, they are showing you who they are, right? Where they are at emotionally. That's what they're showing you. Their level of maturity, their level of growth. Should you even care to have that person in your life? You know, that could be a gift, someone talking about you, because you it may hurt for a moment, but you could get that person out of your life. You could clean up your circle because it's all energy, and the people around you affect your growth. You know, it shows you what they believe. If somebody's quick to believe something bad about you, and that's another thing I hear. You know, is this person going to be able to say bad stuff about me and people believe it? You know, if somebody believes something negative about you and they have not had a negative experience about you, what is their problem? Have you ever thought about that? Okay, you're gonna believe something negative about me, but I've been nice to you, I've been kind, and you're gonna go with the negativity. Are you okay? You know, that's kind of what you really want to say. Are you okay? Because why would you believe something negative when you have when you haven't had a negative experience with me? Even if they don't know you, it's like you you know, sometimes people are told something about someone that they don't know and they haven't met yet. And you have to wonder what is their mental capacity to just believe something negative and not find out for themselves who you are. So are they even worth your time? Let let's get real here, they're not. And you find out what they're capable of holding. You know, people who you know show you who they are when they talk negatively, you see their maturity, what their capacity is, how much healing they've done, what type of person, what their character, what their values are. You get to learn a lot. It's very powerful what you can find out from people who do this. So it is data. And most importantly, you find out if they're safe for you to be around, especially if they're talking about everybody else. I mean, we all have moments of gossip, right? But if they're talking about everybody else, you better know they're going to talk about you when you're not around to those people. You know, and you see it where somebody will tell you what someone said about you, but yet they stay friends with the person that said this awful thing about you, so you find out, ooh, you're not a safe person. I shouldn't be around you. This is where your power comes back. This is when you find your power. Because now it's not why are they talking about me? It becomes, is this someone I want access to my energy? Do I want them in my energy field? If someone gossips about you, misunderstands you, and doesn't see clarity, judges you instead of communicating, this is information. This is clarity, this is a boundary, right? Not something you need to fix. It's like, no, this person needs to get the bleep away from you, right? So let's talk about you don't need to defend yourself to everyone. And when you don't defend yourself, it's freedom is freedom. This is a big one. You do not need to defend yourself to everyone who misunderstands you. Let me say it again, okay? Do I need to say it again? You do not need to explain yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you. Because some people are not looking for truth, they have no interest in it. Some people love chaos, they just love disturbed a pot. They're chaos agents, right? They love negativity because it's a distraction from their own chunk. They are looking for confirmation of what they already believe, and no amount of explaining that you do will change that. When you constantly defend yourself, you give your power away. That's what you're doing. You're giving your power away. You're staying emotionally entangled in the nonsense in the BS, you keep yourself in a loop of proving your worth into who you shouldn't have to prove your work to anybody but yourself. But when you step back and say, I know who I am, everything shifts and it does. Everything becomes more powerful. So if you find yourself, you know, worrying about what people say about you or if they're going to turn people against you, work on your confidence or self-esteem because that's the only thing that you can control. You can't control what people do, what you know, foolery goes on. So let's talk about the somatic shift. Coming back to your body. Let's talk about it because it's so important to do this. Let's bring this into the body because this is where the real work happens. The next time you feel that spiral that they're talking about me, pause. Place your hand on your chest, take a slow breath in and a slow breath out and ask yourself what am I feeling right now? What are you feeling right now? Not the story, the feeling. Is it tightness, fear, shame, anxiety? Let yourself feel it without trying to fix it. Because when you stay in your body, you stop feeding the mental spiral and you come back to yourself. That's what happens. That'll stop you from spiraling and from being upset when you find out that people are talking about you. So let's talk about the real freedom. Real freedom is not getting everyone to like you, 'cause you really don't want that. You know, there are some people out there that you don't want to like you because that's not a good sign. It's being okay knowing that not everyone will like you. Do you want a narcissist to like you? Do you want a sociopath to like you? A psychopath? You don't want everyone to like you. Do you want a murderer to like you? No. Do you want someone who's just got bad intentions for you to like you? No. 'Cause if they're liking you it's because they think that they can do something to you and get away with it. So it's being able to say, People may talk about me and I'm still okay, 'cause you're okay. Right? If you're healthy, you still have your health, you still have your job, you still have your home. You are not really losing by people talking about you. And this is power. This is self-trust. This is emotional independence. That's what it means to be emotionally independent. It's not about being unbothered or numb. It's saying, It's okay, not everybody's gonna like me. That's okay. You're acknowledging it and you're being okay with it. Instead of just shutting down and numbing out or getting hyper anxious about it. So let's talk about becoming more of yourself. When you stop worrying about what people are saying, guess what happens? Freedom happens, it does. You are speaking more freely. You just don't care what people think. You you know, you end up being proud. It's like, whoa, I'm actually okay with what I say and think and how I feel, and I don't care how people perceive it. It's awesome. Right? You show up more authentically, you're just yourself. However, it lands, it lands. People could take it how they want, you take up more space instead of shrinking. You shine brighter. And people talk about you just for shining brighter and being confident. Um, so what? Trusting yourself more deeply. It's all about self-trust. That's your power to trust yourself. And yes, some people won't like it, but those are not your people. The people who don't like you, you know, being yourself and showing up and taking a space are not your people. And the right people, they will feel you, they will understand you, and they will respect you. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. And that's what counts. You know, you be you and let the right people align to who you are. So let's talk about a final reframe. If someone is talking about you, think about this way. Let it show you who they are for talking about you. And yes, the sting is there when you think you could have trusted this person or they were a good friend or a good family member, co-worker, etc. Right? But they're showing you who they are. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time because if you keep on trying to paint a different story, you're gonna hurt yourself. And so you get to see who they are, and that will stop you from questioning who you are. You don't need to question yourself, you need to question the people who do this mess because they're into chaos. And trust me, I've been there a thousand times and you You know, a few times I've been sad by it. There have been times that I've confronted it and there's been times I just said whatever. And you know, as you get older, it's true. You just realize this isn't supposed to matter. But if you have unhealed trauma and you're getting older, it could still matter. So that's why you want to work on healing whatever trauma, do therapy, do whatever it takes so you don't get caught up in this spiral. Because some people could just be competing with you even when you're not competing with them, and they could be out to get you and they could just start stuff, right? I call it shit starters, right? Um, you know, instead of a fire starter, a shit starter, and you you know, um you can't stop it, but you can stand in your power and say, I'm not gonna let it bother me, I can't control it. And you may even smile. I mean, some things that people said about me, I thought that's pretty weird and hilarious. And you know, sometimes I come back and say, I heard you said this, wow. Yeah, you know, and then that shocks them because they don't ever expect you to confront them. So let's close this out. You know you cannot control what other people say, you know this, right? You know this. But what you can control is how much access they have to you, how much power you give their words, and how you show up anyway, and that changes everything because that's all that matters, how you choose to show up. So I am closing this out. Stop caring what people say about you, think about you. It does not matter, it's so relevant as how you feel about yourself. You stand in your truth, you stand in your power, you do your inner work, you follow your goals, you follow your dreams, you stand on business for yourself. And people could be over on the side saying or doing whatever they want, whatever. Because their mess is their mess. Don't get caught up in their mess. Just do you. So I want to thank you for listening. Have a great day, and I will see you in the next episode.