Chemistry Is Not Love. Calm is the Real Spark

We question the idea that instant chemistry means you have found lasting love, and we explain why intensity can be misleading. We break down trauma bonds, nervous system patterns, and what emotional safety looks like when a relationship is actually healthy. 
• why chemistry is often treated like proof of true love 
• how culture and romance stories sell instant sparks as fate 
• why readers cannot promise happily ever after 
• how “chemistry” can be a trauma bond 
• the nervous system recognizing what is familiar over what is healthy 
• what trauma bonding looks like in romance, friendships, and families 
• the reward-stress cycle that makes unstable love feel addictive 
• why people with trauma histories are more vulnerable to chaotic partners 
• signs like love bombing, anxiety, and hot-and-cold cycles 
• what healthy love feels like: calm, steady, respectful, safe 
• how to break the pattern with awareness, self-compassion, and somatic work 
• choosing connection that grows over chemistry that fizzles 

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Transcript

Welcome And The Chemistry Myth

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Hello, it's Dr. Donna and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today I'm going to talk about something that many people believe is a sign of a great relationship, but it is not, but it is weaved into our society as it's what makes a relationship great. And that word is chemistry. People actually think that if you have chemistry, that leads to a long-term connection that will work. And it doesn't. People often say things like, We had instant chemistry, which you can. You have instant chemistry with someone. The interaction was so intense. I felt something I never felt before. I've heard all these while doing readings. I've heard them just talking to people in general. I don't know if I had a in myself ever had the instant chemistry. I'm slow with relationship stuff, but I know a lot of people look for it, and when they have that moment, they believe they found the one. And I don't mean to burst anybody's bubble, but chemistry isn't what makes a relationship last. And we will dive into this. And in movies and romance stories, that kind of instant connection is portrayed as magical. Right? We see that even on social media. It's portrayed as fate. You found your person. If you found your person, it's gonna be heavily, happily ever after, right? And I would tell you as a reader, some people get mad at me because I don't believe in the whole chemistry thing, and the reading doesn't support it. And you can never tell someone that they're gonna have a happily ever after because you don't know what that takes. You people change their mind from day to day, and people have to work through stuff. Are they willing to do the work? Are they gonna choose their partner every day? Are they gonna choose to show up every day? There's so many factors. So you you know, I always tell people I read relationships within you know a year or two, because you can't say forever and ever. Nobody knows forever and ever. They don't. And I know a lot of people are seeking that, and that's good. That means that they want a lifelong partner, but they need to understand what it means and what it takes to have one lifelong partner. And as you know, the divorce rate is 50% for first round and second marriages, so it goes up to about 60-68%. So you can only imagine what it is for third marriages and so on, because it's not about chemistry, and I'm sure all those people felt chemistry when they started their relationship, or at least the majority of them did. So, in many cases, what people are calling chemistry is actually something very different. Yes, and this is where I burst a bubble. Sometimes what feels like chemistry is actually a trauma bond, yes, and think about it when you feel something so intense and you barely know the person or had conversations with the person, your energy is recognizing something, but it sounds familiar, right? You're recognizing something that is familiar, but it's not necessarily something healthy. Today we're going to talk about why intense chemistry can feel so powerful, how trauma bonds work, why people with trauma histories are especially vulnerable to it, and how to recognize the difference between chemistry and emotional safety, because the truth is this healthy love usually feels calm, steady, and safe. It may even feel boring, right? That's what healthy love is, and trauma bonds often feel exciting and tense and addictive, and that's what people are calling chemistry. But yes, real love can be boredom, and you have to be able to sit with that boredom and not see it as you've lost the magic, but see it as safety. So, what do people mean by chemistry? When people talk about chemistry, they're usually describing an intense emotional and physical attraction. It can look like immediate closeness, right? Constant texting or communication because it's just so good and so exciting in the beginning. Feeling like you've known someone forever. I've heard that from people, and I'm sure you have too, or you felt that way, like you've known them forever. Very strong physical attraction, very strong, right? Some people end up jumping into intimacy right away, feeling emotionally pulled towards someone very quickly. That's what it looks like. Some people say, I just knew, or there was something about them I couldn't resist. And again, movies and romance culture reinforces this ideal that instant connection equals true love, but it does not. I'm glad to start seeing a few influencers talk about the illusion of chemistry and that chemistry isn't what sustains a relationship. But the nervous system doesn't necessarily recognize what is healthy, it doesn't. The nervous system recognizes what is familiar, and if someone grew up in an environment where love was unpredictable, inconsistent, or emotionally intense, their nervous system may associate that kind of chaos with love. That's what's happening. It becomes confusion because of how they grew up, right? So that unpredictability, you know, the inconsistency, and then emotional intensity, which people are calling chemistry, the emotional intensity, that's not love, it's really something else. It's a trauma bond because of the chaos that the person grew up in. So when they meet someone who triggers those same emotional patterns, it could feel like powerful chemistry, but it is not. It is not. Sorry, but that's what's happening. It's not healthy, it's not healthy chemistry. Chemistry to me is something that is built more over time as you get to know each other and you heal together and you choose each other and you meet each other halfway. That's how I call it. That's how I feel chemistry is. Chemistry isn't made overnight, it's a long process of chemistry. So let's talk about what trauma bonding is. A trauma bond forms when a relationship includes cycles of emotional intensity mixed with inconsistency or harm. And that happens a lot. People will start tolerating, you know, a little bit of abuse. And I hate to say a little bit of abuse because abuse is abuse, but that's what they're saying. They're saying to me it's just a little bit of mistreatment, it's just a little, it's not major. And this is what gets us in trouble when we don't see the red flag and we make the red flag pink, you know, we try to lighten it. You gotta see the red flags for what it is, and it may hurt or be disappointing, or you know, oh my god, I haven't found the person yet, but it's safer, it'll save you from going on a roller coaster. You don't want to end up on that show, Who the Bleep Did I Marry? Um, so let's go on. This can happen in romantic relationships, friendships, and even family dynamics. Trauma bonds often involve patterns like intense closeness followed by emotional withdrawal, affection followed by criticism, love followed by rejection, apologies followed by repeated harmful behavior. And you see that a lot in romantic relationships, but sometimes it's in families, sometimes it's in friendships. You know, if you ever had a toxic friendship, you will go through this experience also. And sometimes people look for fast friends or they want to find their best friend, so they're trauma-bonding, and they think that they're finding chemistry even in a friendship situation. So the brain becomes caught in a cycle of reward and stress, and this pattern creates something similar to addiction. The moments of affection feel incredibly powerful because they often come after emotional pain, you know. So the brain starts associating relief with the person who caused the pain in the first place. This creates a bond that can be incredibly difficult to break. It is. Um dated one toxic person many years ago in my twenties. I would never be around them. You can love someone and know that you shouldn't be anywhere near them, nowhere near them. So let's talk about why trauma bonds feel so strong. Because they do, and they could just consume your energy, and you could just find yourself thinking about the person all day. Like this is it, this is it. So trauma bonds are powerful because they activate several systems in the brain. When someone experiences emotional highs and lows in a relationship, the brain releases chemicals like dopamine, adrenaline, cortisol. Yes. These chemicals create feelings of excitement and urgency. And boy, it it just i it can spiral from there for the person. So the relationship can feel electrifying, but excitement is not the same as emotional safety. It is not, it is nowhere near the same as emotional safety. In fact, many trauma bonds feel intense precisely because they keep the nervous system in a state of activation. People may feel anxious about losing the person. They're afraid of losing the person and they hope that the person is afraid of losing them. Desperate for reassurance, constantly needing reassurance that you're safe with this person. And when you're in a real relationship that is safe, you don't need constant reassurance, you just know. And the person becomes preoccupied with the relationship. They're assumed it's consuming them. They're thinking about it no matter what they're doing, work or wherever. Emotionally dependent on other people's approval. You end up being like dependent upon that person's approval, even when they're mean and then they cycle to nice. You're you're constantly wanting their approval because that connection, that trauma bond is so strong, you lose yourself in the person. So this emotional roller coaster can make the connection feel incredibly meaningful. But often what's really happening is that the nervous system is stuck in a cycle of stress and relief. And that's what's happening. So why let's talk about why people with trauma histories are vulnerable. You know, if you have a history of trauma, we're vulnerable to a lot of things. People who grew up with i instability, neglect, or emotional unpredictability are often especially vulnerable to trauma bonds. This is not because they're weak, it's not about weakness. You know, it's because their nervous system was trained it to be very on early in life to be associating love with uncertainty or emotional intensity. They learned this early in life. For example, if someone grew up in a household where affection came and went unpredictably, they may have learned that love requires constant effort. And there are people who buy love, fight for love, beg for love, prove themselves, they plead for love. And it's not we can't just call them desperate, it comes from something deeper and comes from their upbringing. This is what they were shown. This is why you, if you're a parent, you need to set a good example because your children are watching and observing, and we need to stop thinking that kids don't observe everything. Kids remember everything, they are smart little filters. Okay? If you can remember that and set the example, no matter how you're feeling in your relationship, you have to be healthy, not only for yourself, but for your kids, because they're watching and they will mimic it. They will mimic everything that you're doing. So let's continue. They may feel drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable because it recreates a familiar dynamic. They had emotionally unavailable parents, they've seen how the parents were, right? So they just attract a partner like that. Their nervous system may interpret calm, emotionally, you know, you may interpret calm, emotionally available people as boring or uninteresting. And I've heard that. I've heard people say, Oh, I can't date him or her, they're just so nice, they're just so kind. You you know, that just doesn't work for me. There's no spark, no fire. And what they're saying is it's too normal, so it's boring. I'm used to a little bit of chaos, I'm used to that. And even people who say, I just want a good partner, healthy partner, they get one and they can't recognize it because they grew up with chaos. Because they're interpreting a good partner is still being exciting in all the chemistry, and they're focused on the wrong thing of what makes a good partner. So when they find someone who's truly good, calm and quiet, it's just like you're too boring. Something's gotta be wrong with you. I gotta make something wrong with you. Even when there's nothing wrong with them. So what people call chemistry can sometimes be familiar emotional chaos. It feels like home. Even when it hurts, it feels like home. And that's the problem. So let's talk about signs that chemistry might be a trauma bond so that you can recognize it and do something about it so that you don't fall into the trap. There are several signs that what feels like chemistry may actually be a trauma bond. One sign is emotional intensity very early in the relationship. When it's just very early on, it's too soon. If a connection escalates extremely quickly, love bombing all the things, right? Constant communication, declaration of love, intense emotional disclosure, it can feel exciting, but it's also love bombing, and you know it's not good. It's a trauma bond being formed. But sometimes this intensity is actually a form of emotional enmeshment. You're becoming enmeshed with each other, right? And it's emotional, you guys are getting entangled into each other, and that's the trauma bond. Another sign is anxiety about the relationship. If you feel anxious about the relationship, because healthy connections tend to create a sense of calm and stability, you can just know with calm and stability, just like you want to know with chemistry. So trauma bonds often create a feeling of emotional urgency. You may feel afraid of losing the person, right? Constantly analyzing their behavior and worried about their approval, as I said before. If that's coming up, what do they think? Do they like me? Am I enough? All that stuff, you're gonna get into a trauma bond. You're definitely gonna get there. And so another sign is cycles of closeness and distance. And sometimes if you data avoidant, you know, that could happen, or anxious attachment, this can happen. The person may be incredibly loving one moment and distant the next, and those fluctuations create emotional dependency. The relief when things feel good again can make the bond feel even stronger, like we overcame a bad cycle and it's good, and it gets more intense and you fall deeper for the person, and then you're really in the trauma bond. One of the biggest misconceptions about relationships is that love should feel like fireworks all the time. And you know, I've told this story before, I'm sure. I when I was younger, I used to always ask couples, older couples, how did they manage to stay together? And they never talked about fireworks, they talked about just showing up, choosing each other when things are good or bad or uncomfortable, and working through it. None of them mentioned fireworks, not one. And I I'm nosy. I've asked a lot of couples when I lived in LA, when I lived in the Bay Area, you know, I haven't asked them here in Sacramento, but I asked questions, especially when I was younger, because I was curious, you know, about relationships because, you know, my parents didn't work, and then some of my friends, their parents didn't work out, and you know, I see them together and then it fell apart, and I was just like, What makes people stay? And so I was very curious. And fireworks never came up. They and they're like, Hey, some days you may want to smother them with a pillow, you won't. But you still love them and you're still choosing them. You have moments that you're frustrated, moments that you don't like them. I think Michelle Obama says she didn't like Barack for President Barack Obama for like ten years. See they were she's just mad. But they stayed together and they chose each other. And so it's not looking for this perfect relationship because perfection doesn't exist. So healthy love often feels very different. Healthy love tends to feel steady, predictable, calm, respectful, emotionally safe. You can be yourself. You don't have to walk on eggshells like what's gonna set this person off. You can relax. You don't feel like you're constantly trying to earn someone's affection. You don't feel like you're walking on eggshells. The connection may still include attraction and excitement, but it's not fueled by emotional instability. Yeah, you can still have excitement in a healthy relationship, but it's different. It is calming, it's like you know what it is and you feel safe in it, and it's not just crazy intensity, like will this last? You know that you guys are showing up for each other, you know. You you can relax when you're in a healthy situation. You don't feel like you're constantly trying to earn someone's affection, you know. You don't feel like you're walking on eggshells, and so many people are doing this, they're walking on eggshells in their relationship. And I've heard it I don't want to make them mad, I don't want to upset them, I don't want them to go away. If I say this, they're gonna go away. That's an abandonment issue, right? You can't live like that in a relationship. In a relationship, you should Be able to be your healthy authentic self. You know, we all got things to work on, no one's perfect, but you should be able to be yourself, and you guys really learn to respect each other. And so a healthy connection is supported by mutual care and trust. For people who are used to chaos in relationships, this kind of stability can initially feel unfamiliar. But unfamiliar does not mean wrong. But a lot of people will interpret it as wrong or bad or something's not right. Sometimes it means healthy. That's what it means, it's just healthy. Breaking the cycle. Let's talk about breaking the cycle. Breaking trauma bonds requires awareness and compassion, self-compassion and awareness, even if it's painful to admit. Many people feel embarrassed or ashamed when they realize that they've been caught in these patterns, and it can happen to anyone. You know, it's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. I think we learn from these things. And and it's okay. But trauma bonding is not a character flaw. It's trauma. So it's not a character flaw. It is a nervous system response shaped by past experiences. And I know people want to be all healed and do everything right, but we're humans. We are. And sometimes there are things that are unhealed or unnoticed within us that can come out. And this is probably what's happening for people who end up in a trauma bond. Healing involves learning to recognize the difference between emotional intensity and emotional safety. That's all it is. It also involves reconnecting with your body's signals. Somatic practices can help people notice when their nervous system is activated by anxiety rather than genuine connection. That's why I'm always basing everything on nervous system regulation through somatic exercises. So over time, people can learn to choose relationships that feel grounded and supportive rather than addictive or overwhelming. So the next time, we're going to close this out. This is an important topic though. So the next time you hear someone say that a relationship had incredible chemistry, it may be worth asking a deeper question. So even if you hear yourself saying this, ask the question, right? What was the chemistry? Can they define it? Sometimes people go, I just don't know what it is, but I feel it. But be able to define it. It'll help you clear things up of what's going on. Or was it a nervous system recognizing a familiar emotional pattern? Because healthy love does not require emotional chaos. It does not require constant anxiety or emotional highs and lows. Healthy love allows you to breathe. It allows you to relax. It allows you to be yourself. And for many people healing from trauma, learning to recognize that kind of love is one of the most powerful transformations they will ever experience. So I want to thank you for listening today. And hopefully this sheds some light on this whole thing with chemistry. And that if you meet someone and you don't feel chemistry with them right away, keep on talking to them. See if you feel connection. Because connection is better than chemistry. Because a connection can grow and a chemistry is going to fizzle out or just be erratic and chaotic. So this concludes this episode. I want to thank you for listening. Have a great day, and I will see you in the next episode.