Insecurity Is Not A Flaw It Is Protection

Insecurity can look like overthinking, comparing, shrinking, or overperforming, but we see it for what it really is: a nervous system pattern built to keep you safe. When your body believes connection equals survival, a delayed text or a subtle change in tone can feel like danger. We talk about why “just be confident” advice falls flat and why performing confidence, acting unbothered, or curating perfection online often turns into armor that blocks real closeness.

We break down what insecurity actually says underneath it all: I might not be chosen, I might be left, I might be replaced, I might be exposed. Then we trace the roots, including emotional inconsistency in childhood, criticism instead of guidance, sibling comparison, bullying, betrayal, abandonment, and the way your nervous system stores old pain as current threat. You will also hear a clear way to tell insecurity vs intuition, using one simple marker: regulation. Insecurity feels frantic and self-blaming. Intuition feels calm and clear while it observes what is off in the dynamic.

We also talk about grief, a rarely discussed driver of insecurity. Deep loss can teach the body that nothing is permanent, which makes new love or new opportunities feel fragile. Finally, we get practical with nervous system regulation, reducing comparison triggers, building internal evidence through journaling, letting people reveal themselves, and reframing rejection as protection and redirection. If you want more grounded self-worth, healthier attachment, and real confidence that does not need to prove, press play.

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Transcript

Welcome And Why Insecurity Matters

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Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today we're talking about insecurity. Because I remember when I used to do public speaking, I did a talk on being insecure and self-worth and self-esteem. And I read a report from psychology saying that any at any time given time 85% of the population might be dealing with some form of insecurity. And that really shocked me. But then I said, Oh, I shouldn't be shocked. It kind of makes sense because of the pressures that we put on ourselves, the trauma that we grow up with, and you you know, this need to be better, and social media doesn't help. The internet has really brought it out for some people. So let's talk about this. We're not going to talk about insecurity in a shallow way, but in a in and not even in a just think positive way or not in a fake until you make it way, no more of that. Not in a be that confident queen way. I'm a little bit tired of that anyway. We're talking about the real insecurity, the kind that shows up in relationships, yes. The kind that makes you overthink, the kind that makes you compare, the kind that makes you feel replaceable, the kind that makes you shrink or overperform. And here's the truth. Insecurity is not a personality flaw, it is a nervous system pattern. And you don't heal it by pretending it isn't there. You heal it by understanding it. Yes. You have to understand it. You have to understand why you have insecurities. So you get to the root of it. If you have any some people never admit to it. I think at one point we all have them. I probably have them now. I just don't care about them like I did when I was younger. But when I was younger, I cared about all of my insecurities. Now I'm just like I'm old, I don't care. But if you have an insecurity that's getting in the way of what you desire out of life, you know, this podcast might be for you. So what insecurity actually is insecurity is a fear of not being safe in connection, right? It's not just low self-esteem, it's not just self-doubt at its core. Insecurity says, I might not be chosen, right? For you know, by a partner, you know, chosen to get married, chosen to be proposed to, chosen to be in a relationship. I might not be enough when it comes to getting that job or having the right friends or the right partner. I might be left. Abandonment issues, right? I might be replaced, you know. Your partner may get somebody younger or your perception of younger or prettier. I might be exposed. Exposed for what? You know, some people who feel like an imposter. It's an insecurity to feel like an imposter, but it's a trauma response to feel insecure. Insecurity is relational, even when it shows up in career or appearance, it usually is about belonging. And belonging is survival to the nervous system. So when someone says just stop being insecure, that's like telling your body to stop trying to protect you. It doesn't work that way. It never will work that way. Insecurity is protection, right? It's just outdated protection, it's based on some old information, some old trauma. It's not necessarily based on current information. Where so let's talk about where insecurity comes from. Insecurity is built through experience. It often develops from emotional inconsistency in childhood. You know, if you didn't have consistent emotional nurturing from your caretakers, parents, whoever took care of you, if they ignored you some, if they called you sensitive or said you weren't good enough or not smart enough, you had to have straight A's, you're criticized something, right? Something in your childhood. And feeling compared to siblings. You know, I hate that this mess goes on, but I hear about it. And yeah, you know, one thing that is so important to do is not to make one kill kid of yours feel less than. I know this happens with parents because of their unhealed stuff, right? And they will gravitate towards a kid who's listening to them, who makes life easier for them. But if you have a kid that's acting out, find out why. Something's going on. Talk to them, they're humans. You know, but if you were compared to siblings, that's such a trauma response. Or if you're told not to outshine your siblings, or that your siblings are better than you have and you're not like your siblings, and being criticized instead of guided, sadly a lot of people, whether it's one parent home, two parent homes, came from a lot of criticism. And they didn't get nurtured or guided. They were criticized. And your caregivers who with true love, yes, and it's because their own issues they didn't know how to love, or because of what they grew up in, they pass they're passing it on. But not being loved or feeling safe, you know, like you're loved, can create insecurity, betrayal of any type from your caretakers, siblings, family members being abused by you know someone that you trusted, bullying, yes, being bullied, whether it's at home or in school or wherever, right? Abandonment, if you were abandoned and grief. A lot of kids have grief. They had a parent die. They had a parent walk away. You know, they had things happen and being replaced. Maybe your friends traded you and you weren't cool enough. Maybe your partner traded you in for somebody else. You know, so your body stores these moments. Even if your adult mind says this happened years ago, that was many years ago. The nervous system says it happened once, it can happen again. Hear that? That's what the nervous system says. So when you enter new relationships, whether they're romantic, friendships, or even business related, the body scans for threat. Not just in romantic relationships, okay? A delayed text, a change in tone, a social media interaction, someone being more attractive or more successful. You're looking for threats. Are they pretty? Are they smarter? You know, why did this person respond this way instead of that way? Or you know, they didn't text me back right away. You know, all of that is part of a trauma response. The body reacts. That reaction is not weakness, it's a memory. You're going through remembering, you know, a traumatic, painful event, and maybe you've had more than one, some people have had several, unfortunately. The difference between insecurity and intuition. This is important because sometimes insecurity is anxiety. But sometimes it's intuition, yes. The difference is regulation. So insecurity feels frantic, right? Intuition feels calm but clear. Insecurity spirals. Intuition observes. Insecurity says something is wrong with me. Intuition says something feels off in this dynamic. You see the difference in that language? When you're insecure, you think something's wrong with you. What's wrong with you? What did you do wrong? Why is this happening? That's a trauma response. Intuition says something feels off. You're just trying to figure out what feels off. When you are dysregulated, insecurity gets loud. When you're regulated, discernment gets clear. That's why healing insecurity is not about convincing yourself that you're amazing, you're awesome. No, it's about stabilizing your nervous system. Then you could believe all those things. Because if someone tells you you're great, even if they truly think you're great, if you have insecurities, you're not going to believe it. If your partner says, I love you, you're the best thing to happen to me. I hope that we're together forever and ever. You won't believe it if you have insecurities. I've seen it, seen it in my work, seen it. You have to feel it about yourself in order to trust it. So you have to have a stabilized nervous system. You have to regulate it. So let's talk about this. You don't heal insecurity by performing confidence, right? The fake it till you make it, people. No. Many people try to heal insecurity by acting unbothered. Oh lordy, I hate that term, unbothered. It does damage, it it causes us to lose ourselves and to not be authentic and to bypass, right? Pretending not to care when you do, being overly independent. You know, sometimes it just feels safer, right? To just be on your own, avoiding vulnerability, because it hasn't been safe to be vulnerable, becoming hyper competent. Yes. Posting curated confidence online, just talking about how great you are, how amazing you are. You know, sometimes people do that, that's fine. But if you're doing it all the time, it's armor. All of these things are armor, right? Armor is not confidence. True confidence is quieter. It's not always very quiet, but it's a little bit quieter because some people are just outgoing, right? And some people you know, there's some you know, cultures that I follow and they're just like in the light, they just love being seen, and you know, they talk about their vulnerabilities, but they also talk about how they became confident is who they are. So I always say it's quieter, it's not so loud, but it isn't quiet. I hate when people go, insecurity is loud, confidence is quiet. It's too black and white. And sometimes when people are insecure, they are quiet because they hide, right? So we have to stop doing things in black and white manner. It just doesn't fit into a neat little box like that. So confidence does not need to compete though, it does not need to dominate, and it does not need to prove. So that is true about confidence. And insecurity says I need to be impressive to be safe, right? I need to impress, I need for people to like me. Confidence says I am safe even if I am ordinary. And ordinary is pretty awesome. That shift changes everything. Let's talk about the role of grief in insecurity. This part is rarely discussed. If you've experienced deep loss, especially losing someone that you love deeply, insecurity can intensify, especially if it happened to you when you're a child. I feel for all these children who have lost a parent at a young age, especially if they were close to the parent, or that even if they had unfinished business where they didn't get enough time to get the nurturing from the parent. So, period, if you've lost a parent because you're being cheated in so many ways, and even if you have plenty of people around you who love you, it's that that one parent died, and even though you know they died and that's just something that can't be controlled, it's a traumatic loss, and you have to find a way to move forward past that traumatic loss, and it's a hard thing to move past, and it can make you feel insecure and vulnerable because even if you have other caretakers that one can't be replaced. I remember that losing my mom at a young age. You know, I wasn't close to my dad. My dad was sick and had to live with his mom, but my mother was my rock, and losing her shattered me for a long time. And I didn't even understand that impact until I got older. And so if you are in a situation where you lost a parent at a young age, please run to therapy, please get support. Or if you know anybody who you're close to, tell them therapy is important for them and for children who have gone through this, right? Because what happens is that loss teaches the body that nothing is permanent. So when someone new enters your life, you may think this could disappear. I could lose this too. They could leave. You know? And yeah, if you've lost a spouse that you're close to, you're gonna feel vulnerable and insecure. Insecurity is often grief trying to prevent future pain. Right? It's a nervous system trying to control uncertainty. But love always contains risk, unfortunately. Security does not come from eliminating risks, it does not. It comes from trusting yourself to survive loss and you already have survived. How to actually heal insecurity. Let's get practical. We're gonna go through some steps. Number one, regulate before you reassure. When insecurity hits, you don't immediately text for validation. Pause, breathe slowly, lengthen the exhale. Feel your feet on the ground. Bring your body back online. Reassurance without regulation creates dependency. So regulate first because that creates stability. Number two, stop comparing. Comparison fuels insecurity, and you're comparing your insides to someone else's curated outside, right? We don't know what's going on behind the scenes, and your nervous system treats comparison like a threat assessment. Limit exposure to triggers, not because you're weak, but because you're protecting your regulation. Number three, build internal evidence. Instead of asking, do they want me? Ask, do I want this dynamic? Yeah, ask yourself that question. Sometimes people get so caught up in I want this person to want me. It's like I will slow them down and say, What are you getting? Do you know the benefits? When they look at it, it's like, oh, the benefits aren't that great. It's like, yeah, you know. So ask yourself why do you really want this or want them to want you? Insecurity focus outward because security turns inward. Start tracking when you handle something well, when you set a boundary, when you stayed calm, when you spoke honestly. Confidence grows with integrity, not praise. So that's pretty cool if you think about it. Keep a journal. This is why journaling can be great. And there's journals out there that you can buy that's all set up for you. You know, just go online, you'll find them. And let people reveal themselves. Secure people do not chase clarity, they observe. Always sit back and observe. If someone is inconsistent, let them be inconsistent. Don't stop it. If someone is ambiguous, let them be ambiguous. You don't need to convince someone to choose you. You need to watch who chooses you naturally. That removes so much insecurity, right? Don't fight for someone to like you, want you to choose you. Number six, accept that not everyone is for you. This is big. Insecurity assumes if someone leaves, it means I'm lacking. Maturity understands some connections are mismatched. They just are, you're not in alignment, and that's okay to not be in alignment. Not being chosen does not mean you're unworthy. Remember, rejection can be protection. It may mean timing is off. Values don't align. You know, that's very important. People start looking at the people that they're around, whether it's friends, family, romantic partners, and see if the values align, if the integrity is there, if they have qualities that you truly admire or disgust you or trouble you. You know, start looking deeper and analyzing because sometimes people get so caught up in this feeling. But the feeling can be a trauma a trauma response. It could be from something else. It can't even be what the person's bringing. You know, do they treat you well? Really dive deep. Because emotional capacity differs. Attachment styles may clash, right? Maybe you have different emotional capacity, you know, capacity. Rejection is often redirection. It could be a blessing. Instead of being caught up in this feeling, you know, I I know we probably started it in the woo-woo world, this feeling, this feeling, and then society doesn't help with this feeling of love. And people go, but I love this person. But do you even know why? Break it down, put it on a piece of paper. Do you even have a clue why you love this person? Because sometimes people are so caught up in the feeling, because the feeling is a drug, it's a high. You know, you got dorpamine and dorphins, you got oxytocin, you got all these things coming into play, right? It is that's why people are obsessed with chemistry because they're getting high versus looking at reality. You have chemistry with the wrong people. There are people who've had chemistry with someone who turned out to be a serial killer or serial something, because you might have a little bit of something in common, but you don't have the whole picture, obviously, in common. So start studying the whole picture of someone, and that will lose that need to be chosen. You know, I have people say, Oh, I just want someone to choose me. I said, You don't want just anyone to choose you. You want someone who's right and healthy and loving and kind. Really sit with this stuff, you know, so that you can make greater decisions for your life. Decisions that won't cause pain later. You know, this is some prevention. Don't let little red flags slip. It isn't you being picky or too judgy. This is your life. When especially in relationships, it can affect your life. You know, I can't be the only one that watches the IT channel. You know, it's like be careful. And especially if your life has been affected by someone, you don't want to do it from a trauma response. You want to do it from, hmm, how does this feel? You know? So number seven, what real security feels like. Real security feels like calm, spacious, grounded, slow, clear. It does not feel obsessive, it does not feel frantic, it does not feel competitive. It feels like if this works, beautiful. If it doesn't, I'd be okay, right? And that is the key, that you will be okay. You stop being insecure when you truly believe that you will survive either outcome, and you will. That's important to understand. Let's close this out. You don't become secure by pretending you never feel insecure. A lot of people just think they just act like they don't feel it. I just ignore it. I'm unbothered. No. You become secure by responding to insecurity with compassion instead of panic. Insecurity is not proof. That you are broken. It's proof you have loved. It's proof you have attached. It's proof you have experienced uncertainty. Right? It's not proof that you're broken. But you are no longer the version of you that first learned those patterns. You're more regulated now, more aware, more capable. Security is not perfection. It's self-trust. It has nothing to do with being perfect and unbothered. And it's self-trust. And self-trust is built slowly, gently, through repeated moments of choosing yourself. You hear that? Choosing yourself and knowing that you become enough by you know doing somatic work by doing therapy if needed. You know, I'm glad it's starting to be cool to have a therapist and to have a coach. And I'm glad it's starting to become cool because it needs to be cool. For many years it wasn't. People hid it, they were ashamed, they didn't want it in their health records. You know, but now we know. And y you know, it's like choosing you. And if something doesn't work out, don't let it devastate you. Just say, you know what, it's not the right place for me. It's not the right job, not the right relationship, not the right friendship. It just wouldn't work for me. And it's something that I can't see that my angels, my spirit guides, God, my creator, etc., is protecting me from. Look at things differently instead of what's wrong with me. Because if you say what's wrong with you, you won't get an answer. You never get the correct answer. So I want to thank you for listening. Have a great day, and I will see you in the next episode.