Compassion And Accountability In Parent Child Estrangement

Some of the hardest family conversations aren’t about hate, they’re about impact. I’m Dr. Adonna, and today I’m naming what many adult children have carried for decades: the slow build of childhood trauma that can lead to distance, boundaries, or full no contact with a parent. If you’ve ever been told “Stop blaming your parents” while your body still remembers walking on eggshells, this is for you.

We talk through the patterns that often get minimized or excused: parentification and becoming the emotional caretaker, living in a volatile home where conflict feels like danger, and the quieter wounds of emotional neglect where affection and validation never arrive. I also break down why verbal abuse is not “just words,” how repeated messages become your inner voice, and why people pleasing and hypervigilance are survival responses rather than weaknesses. Along the way, we connect the dots between nervous system regulation, attachment, self-worth, and the adult relationships we choose.

Then we go to the part many people avoid: parental responsibility. Intent does not erase impact, and “I did the best I could” is not the same as accountability. I share what real repair can sound like, what a genuine apology requires, and why compassion can coexist with firm boundaries. Whether you’re the adult child trying to heal or the parent trying to understand why your kid pulled away, the goal is honesty, integration, and breaking generational trauma.

If this resonates, subscribe for more Soul Talk and Psychic Advice, share this with someone who needs language for what they lived through, and leave a review so more people can find this kind of healing conversation.

Transcript

Welcome And A Taboo Topic

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Hello, it's Dr. Adonna and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today we're gonna talk about something that is a little bit controversial these days. And it's about um children walking away from their parents. Um some people think it's just them blaming their parents and for everything that's wrong in their lives, but and and there may be some children out there who are upset and it may not seem valid to some people, but usually when a child walks away there is a reason for it, there is a validity for it, and I want to talk about this tension that w no one really is talking about on a deeper enough level, and you know it's about holding compassion and accountability for parents who didn't do a good enough job at parenting or failed in some way at parenting. And I know that this is may seem like a trend, but it's not a trend, it's just that as social media evolves we talk more, right? We're becoming more open, people are sharing themselves in their stories, and you know, I've heard stories personally, you know, doing my work and from a few friends, and y you know, I don't have issues with my mom, but after she died, there are a lot of issues with siblings, and you know, I have a relative who was an awful parent that I called out, you know, I really r was really ready to go to war for this particular child in my family, and so I get it, and I remember and I think the only reason why I turned out okay as a parent because I was a teen mom and I had to take parenting classes and go to therapy, and no, I wasn't a perfect parent, but I didn't do some of these things because I was being held accountable at a young age, and I think that therapy is the difference or some type of healing is the difference when it comes to parenting. And I feel like before people get married they should do some healing work. Before they have kids, they should certainly do some healing work, but we know that doesn't happen, especially for my age group who uh were 55. We have parents who, you know, you just worked, you survived, you didn't talk about all these deep emotional stuff, and you know, maybe you're religious and God-fearing, but you didn't really discuss parenting. Children were taught they are to be seen and not heard, not to complain. I brought you into this world, I take you out, um, be grateful. But we always forget that children never ask to be born. We bring them into the world so we owe them, but there's this obsession with our kids owe us everything. And yeah, there should be respect, but children don't ask to be born, and that is the part that's being forgotten. So there's this conversation happening right now that makes people deeply uncomfortable. On one side you hear, stop blaming your parents. They did the best they could. Maybe they did the best they could, but some don't even care to even try, right? They're just like, I'm right. You know, my caretakers after my mom were horrible people. You know, they were awful. And you know, they were the same generation as my mother, and yet my mom, she w was a disciplinarian, but we knew that we were loved. We knew, and she has some type of accountability as a parent. So I just kind of thought, y you know, my naive child self just thought, you know, all parents would be loving, and one of my caretakers, I I knew them for a while as friends with their child, and they were nice to me, and so I thought they would be nice to me when they took care of me, and they weren't. So let me continue. And so on the other hand, it's my parents hurt me and it had real consequences, and it does. What happens in childhood will affect us throughout our lives, it will affect us in adulthood, and both statements exist, both carry truth, and neither on their own is complete. This isn't a simple conversation about blame, it's about responsibility, impact, and what healing actually requires. And so this may be a touchy subject for some. Hopefully it helps, hopefully it clarifies. Um, I hear these stories all the time, and I see, and and you know, don't say I'm affected, I didn't learn love, so of course I'm gonna be in an abusive relationship. I was ignored, of course I'm gonna seek attention. You know, there's and there's worse things that's happened. People have literally been sexually abused by some of their parents, right? And we're hearing these stories, and I heard this sad one the other day, how this one lady says she's mixed, and her mom would call her ugly. But her mom chose her dad, right? And would call her ugly and and call her other siblings beautiful. We have to think, you know, how what we say to our children, and for parents who have messed up, you have got to apologize, you've got to hold accountability. So let's talk about this. The reality that many adults are finally naming. There are countless adults right now who are not making things up, they're not exaggerating or being overly sensitive. They are remembering, and there's pain with it. They are recognizing patterns that once felt normal but were in reality emotional neglect, chronic instability, verbal abuse, and parentification, being forced to act like an adult when they're a child. There are plenty of children who had to keep the household together, do some adult duties, had to listen to their parents' problems, be in the middle of their parents fighting, um, on and on, right? So they weren't allowed to be a child. They had to act like an adult, are living in an environment where emotional safety did not exist, and that happens a lot. And these weren't isolated moments, they were patterns in the household. It wasn't like, oops, it happened one time, and patterns shape nervous systems, identity, relationship, and self-worth. So let's talk about when children become emotional caretakers. One of the most overlooked dynamics in families is this children managing their parents' emotions. It's awful. And I have seen this with this relative, and that's why I went to war. Um, this looks like monitoring a parent's mood the second they walk into the room. Yeah, like is it safe to talk to them? Is mom and dad in a bad mood? Adjusting behavior to avoid triggering anger, sadness, or withdrawal. Feeling responsible for keeping the peace in the household. This is how a little empath is born, right? Acting as a therapist, mediator, or emotional support system. It is not the kids' job, okay? Suppressing their own needs to avoid making things worse. And this is how, especially, you know, for a woman, she ended up with an abuser and tried to pacify the abuser, right? She learned it early. A child in this position learns something very quickly. They learn that their feelings are dangerous or inconvenient, and other people's emotions matter more. Is there anybody out there listening who can identify with this? And this is not a small thing. This becomes people pleasing, yes, fear of conflict. You don't want people mad at you, difficulty setting boundaries, anxiety around rejection, and chronic hypervigilance. It becomes an issue. These adults didn't choose these patterns, they adapted them to survive. So yes, people pleasing, overgiving, you you know, these type of things are survival patterns. That's what they are, they're not weaknesses. The impact of living in a volatile home, right? Some children didn't just manage emotions, they endured environments where tension was constant. Some people just live, you know, in sad households like this. They listened to their parents fight, and it's very traumatic for children to hear their parents fight. Her yelling insults or threats, they witness emotional or physical aggression, and felt the unpredictability of not knowing what would happen next. Living on edge, getting high cortisol levels, being stressed out, having anxiety, having PTSD. Even if the child was never directed directly hit or targeted, their nervous system still registered. I am not safe. Children do not have the capacity to intellectually process adult conflict. They absorb it, they internalize it, they carry it. You hear that? Children do not have the capacity to intellectually process adult conflict. And keep that in mind because a lot of parents are talking to their children like their children are adults and should understand their parents and what they're doing. Remember, the brain is fully formed at age twenty-five. So that's why it takes a lot to raise a kid because their brain isn't even fully formed until they're twenty-five. Okay. So let's talk about the absence that hurts just as much. Not all harm is loud, some of it is quiet. Some children grew up without affection, emotional warmth, validation, being seen or understood. They may have had their physical needs met, but emotionally they were alone. And that creates a different but equally deep imprint. Yes, they learned I don't matter. My needs are too much. Love is unavailable. This often follows people into adulthood as emotional detachment. Talking about avoidance, where do they come from? Difficulty receiving love. Have you ever tried to love someone and they just can't receive it? Or maybe you've been in that position. Attracting unavailable partners. This is where it comes from people feeling invisible in relationships. Yes. It comes from somewhere. Verbal abuse is not just words. There's a tendency to minimize verbal harm. They didn't hit you. They were just stressed. You know? That's how they were raised, right? We've heard this stuff. But words shape identity. Repeated messages like what's wrong with you? You're too sensitive. You never get it right. Stop crying, I give you something to cry about. They don't disappear. It stays with you. It's in your subconscious. You react to it. They become the inner voice. They become self-doubt, shame, and internal criticism. Whether you're a one-parent, two-parent household, it you know, if you have unhealthy parents, unhealthy caretakers, and they've said some of this, this is where your self-doubt, shame, and inner criticism came from. This is where it is where you may not believe in yourself or feel worthy, or you know, you're entra you're attracting unhealthy partners and you're thinking something's wrong with you. Nothing's wrong with you, but you have this childhood trauma. So are people really blaming their parents? Sometimes, yeah, sure. There's a f always a few situations where maybe it wasn't that bad or you know Yeah, maybe. But often what's actually happening is this people are naming cause and effect. They're looking at who they are. Like we're really talking about childhood trauma more and how it affects us as adults. So they are saying, This is what I experienced. If you experience it, it's your truth, right? This is how it impacted me. That's your truth. This is what I'm still working through. That is your truth. That is not the same as refusing responsibility. Because we all know even though somebody else caused a harm, we have to do the healing work to save ourselves. That's just how it is, unfortunately. I had to do a lot of healing work because of what my caretakers did to me. But remember, that is not the same as refusing responsibility. In fact, most people doing this work are taking more responsibility than ever before. They are going to therapy, they are learning regulation skills, they are breaking generational patterns and choosing different ways of relating. They are doing their best to do the work. And so they are taking accountability for a trauma that they didn't even cause because they're making sure they don't carry this throughout their lives and hurt their lives, or if they plan to have children, hurt their children. So, you know, therapy is kind of cool now. Now you hear people say, My therapist, my therapist, we're not looking at people like, oh, you're a mess or anything. We're looking at it as oh, you're taking care of your trauma. So that becomes a beautiful thing that we're changing because years ago people wouldn't talk about going to therapy because it's like, oh, something's wrong with you, you're messed up, you need a therapist, but now it's you know healing. So let's talk about the part that gets avoided. Yes, parental responsibility. Here's an uncomfortable truth. Intent does not erase impact. Intent does not erase impact. A parent can love their child and still harm them. Yes, they can. And it happens, right? And and that's when it gets really confusing, and that could carry into relationships when you're with a partner that harms you, but you still feel love from them. Yeah, a parent can do their best and still create damage, yes, because sometimes our best is not healthy enough. We need help. And when harm occurs, accountability matters. Right? That accountability looks like acknowledging what happens without defensiveness, and apologies go a long way. As a parent, I apologize many times for stuff, and it's pretty cool to be able to apologize to your kid, you know? I think that's a cool thing to do, but a lot of parents are so caught up in I'm the authority, I'm the parent. I don't have to apologize. Yes, you do. A parent can do their best and still create damage. Sit with that, and when harm occurs, accountability matters. So let's talk about that accountability. It looks like acknowledging what happened, listening without minimizing or dismissing, offering a genuine apology. Yes, a genuine apology. It goes a long way. Taking responsibility without shifting blame, seeking therapy or support to address their own patterns. We have them. Not because they are bad, but because they are responsible. It's about taking responsibility. Okay, let's talk about what an actual apology requires. A real apology is not I'm sorry you feel that way. You know, it isn't. That wasn't my intention. Doesn't matter what your intention was. This is not how you apologize. You're remembering it wrong. That's gaslighting. I did the best I could, maybe, but that isn't good enough. A real apology sounds like I can see how that affected you. I take responsibility for my behavior. You didn't deserve that. I want to understand and do better. You see, and it makes you a safe person. Makes you a safe parent. Without this, healing becomes one-sided. The child now adult does all the work while the parent avoids discomfort. And that's what's happening. Parents are avoiding discomfort and and saying doing the best I could. What is that? Maybe so, but if your best isn't healthy, it's not enough. It's saying I want to understand and do better, right? And never say you're remembering it wrong to anybody. No, that's the king of gaslighting, you know? And that just reinstates abuse. And it doesn't matter what your intention is. We can have good intentions, but how we act on it has a factor. So let's talk about why this conversation triggers so many people. Because it challenges deeply held beliefs. The parents should not be questioned, right? Especially if you believe in the Bible, you respect your parents, you honor your parents, right? People just stay there, but they don't read further in, where it says parents have to be held accountable. That loyalty means silence. A lot of families have that, right? That acknowledging harm equals disrespect. And people are addicted to this word respect and disrespect, right? It also forces people to confront their own roles. And some people defending parents are parents themselves who feel judge, right? Adults who have not processed their own childhood, and individuals who were taught to minimize pain to maintain connection. So the reaction becomes stop blaming your parents. What's often underneath that is I don't want to look at this. Because this is the key. You can hold them accountable and have compassion for them at the same time. But you still hold them accountable. You can have compassion if they didn't get the love, the nurturing, and they carried that on, but they still have to be held accountable. We are responsible for our behavior, no excuses, right? And we've all gone through some stuff that has traumatized us or broken us, but we can't carry that on. So let's talk about this. Compassion and accountability can coexist. This is where nuance matters. You can understand that your parents had their own trauma, because obviously they did. We're never taught emotional regulation because we weren't talking about this stuff. Repeated what they experienced and still say that hurt me, that was not okay, and I needed something different. Compassion does not require silence. Understanding does not require self-abandonment. Not all children are wrong. This is a narrative emerging that younger generations are overly sensitive and traumatic and quick to blame. That is not so. They are more aware and they're becoming more open with their feelings and explaining stuff. But this dismisses something important. Many are simply more aware. They have language for things that previous generations did not. Emotional neglect, boundaries, nervous system regulation, and trauma responses. Awareness is not the problem, avoidance is. So think about it. We're naming stuff now. It's gonna make people uncomfortable. Nobody wants to be the bad guy, and you know, people say I love my kids, I wouldn't want to hurt them, but we do in many ways, right? And we have to own it. The shift that is happening. What we are seeing is gen is a generational shift from just get over it to let's understand it and heal it. Right? No more of this just get over it stuff. From silence to expression, from endurance to awareness. And this shift is uncomfortable but necessary because unhealed patterns don't disappear, they get passed down. So let's talk about how breaking the cycle requires both sides. For true repair, two things need to happen. The adult child does their healing work. Yes, you do. Process what happens, right? And learns regulation and boundaries. It separates past from present. The parent takes responsibility. They acknowledge the harm, stops repeating behaviors, and seek help if needed. When only one side participates, the relationship often remains strained. It does. You can't sit there and just love on somebody who is unhealed because their patterns will repeat. They're not going to stop. And let's not go well, they're old now. As long as you're alive and breathing, you can work on yourself. When accountability doesn't happen, this is sad. Not all parents will apologize or go to therapy or reflect on their behavior. The relative in my family won't do the work, and I keep calling it out. You know, I'm just a big bad bitch for it, but I will be that because although the child is adult now, I see the harm and it hurts to see them hurting. And this is where another layer of healing comes in. Grieving the parent you needed but did not have. This is not about punishment, it's about reality. And from that place, many adults begin to set boundaries, limit contact, and redefine the relationship. Not out of revenge, but out of self-protection. So parents who have caused the harm, no excuses, no, well, that's all I knew. I was doing the best at the time. None of that sounds like accountability. You need to be accountable. And if you are an adult where your kid isn't talking to you, you're gonna have to sit with some pain and find out why. You know, and it may be hard and hurtful, but it's not about making you the bad guy saying something needs to be healed here. So none of this is out of revenge, but out of self-protection. They may go no contact. You can't just go, my kids won't talk to me. Really inquire about the painful reason why. Final truth. This is not about blame, it's about integration. Blame keeps people stuck, but so does denial. Healing requires something more grounded. Honesty. Honesty about what happened, how it impacted you, and what you need now. And honesty about this. You can honor your parents' humanity without minimizing your own experience. That's what you can do. So let's close this out. If you were a child who walked on eggshells, manage adult emotions, listen to conflict you couldn't escape, longed for affection you didn't receive, and internalize harmful words, you're not too sensitive. You're someone whose nervous system adapted to an environment that required it. And if you are now doing the work to heal, understand, and break those patterns, that is not blame. That is responsibility in the most evolved form. So think about it. Sit with it. Where is the relationship at with your parents? Are you still trying to get their love that you never get? Are they loving you now or are they able to apologize? Assess where you're at with your parents. Did they unfortunately pass before you can resolve these things? But make sure you seek out healing. You know, whether you're the parent who caused the harm or you're the child who was on the receiving end, seek out healing. Because that's the freedom and that's how you can stand to create repair. So I want to thank you for listening. Have a great day, and I will see you in the next episode.