Soulmate, Twin Flame, or Limerence? The Real Reason You Can't Let Them Go

We name limerence for what it is and explain why it can feel like love while quietly turning into obsession, anxiety, and emotional dependency. We break down the brain and attachment patterns that fuel the loop, then walk through what healing looks like when you choose reality, regulation, and self-trust over fantasy. 
• defining limerence and why it feels so real 
• how intrusive thoughts and idealization take over 
• dopamine, uncertainty, and the craving cycle 
• healthy love as consistency, safety, and reality-based connection 
• anxious attachment, childhood inconsistency, and familiar pain 
• common signs like rumination, mood swings, and ignoring red flags 
• why limerence gets mislabeled as soulmate or twin flame energy 
• the emotional cost over time, including sleep and focus issues 
• healing steps like self-soothing, nervous system regulation, and returning energy to yourself 
If this episode resonated with you, take a moment and reflect on where you may be, confusing intensity with love or longing with connection. 

Transcript

Welcome And The Limerence Problem

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today we're gonna talk about a topic that many people experience but don't have words for. And that topic is limberints. If you have ever found yourself constantly thinking about someone, checking your phone repeatedly, analyzing every text message, replaying the conversation over and over, feeling emotionally dependent on their attention or believing that if they would just love you back, everything would finally feel okay. This episode is for you. And it's nothing to be ashamed about. I think you know all of us will go through this at one point or another in our lives, right? Because we're so this fantasy about love and what it's supposed to look like and feel like, and everyone's searching for that feeling, and when you get that feeling, you just start riding that wave. But this podcast today is about understanding the difference between, you know, so that you don't lose your sanity. Because it's easy to I, you know, doing readings and coaching for the past 24 years, I could see how overwhelming relationships are for people because most cultures in society are based on relationships and what do people say? Okay, if you're single, what's wrong with you? Are you gay? Are you you know, just people just think the weirdest things if you're not in a relationship are you're pretty, how come you're not with someone? You you know, we have these weird thoughts, and it's doing a lot of damage to people, and I think that's where the cause of limerence may come from outside influence and pressure to be with someone and have someone, and then also, you know, childhood trauma. You know, so don't be ashamed if you find yourself in this situation. So let's get into this. Limerence can feel like love. It can feel magical, it can feel spiritual, it can feel like destiny, but often limerence is something very different. So today we're gonna explore what limerence is, how it differs from healthy love, why it happens, the nervous system and attachment dynamics involved, and common signs of limerence, why limerence can become so painful, and how healing occurs, and what healthy connection looks like on the other side. Let's begin.

What Limerence Is And Isn’t

SPEAKER_00 2:46

What is limerence? The term limerence was first coined by psychologist and researcher Dorothy Tinhoff. Limerence refers to an intense emotional and psychological fixation on another person. And I believe a lot of us have gone through this at one time or another. This person is often called the limerant object. The experience involves intrusive thoughts, emotional dependency, longing, idealization, and craving reciprocation. Have you ever loved someone and they just didn't love you back the same? I feel like a lot of us have been there, and it can be hurtful and devastating. It's like, why am I in this loop caring for someone who isn't showing it back? And I've talked about avoidant behavior, you know, and because sometimes they will start to show affection and care, right? And then they stop. And you know, sometimes it's just the wrong person. There's many reasons for it. But don't be embarrassed or upset, it's just part of life process. Many people describe it as I can't stop thinking about them. My mood depends on whether they contact me. I feel addicted to them, they occupy my mind all day. And at first it could sound wonderful, I'm just thinking about this person, they're so wonderful, and it makes me feel so good. But what are you receiving in return from that person? That's what has to be looked at. What's important to understand is that limerence is not necessarily about truly knowing the other person, it's often about what they represent emotionally. The mind begins constructing a story, a fantasy, a possibility, an imagined future. The person becomes connected to hope, healing, validation, belonging, or emotional rescue. The relationship may be real, it may be mostly fantasy, or it may exist somewhere in between. And this is that seeing the potential in people. Now, some people see so much potential in a guy or a girl, and they're like, I know we could be great together, and it could be wonderful, but the person who you think you could be great with has to return that, right? They have to reciprocate, and that's not happening in the way that you would like it to, and so that's where deliverance is where the person is seeing all this potential and caring so much about someone, and it's taking over. And for a lot of times it can. You know, I I know that it exists out there where you just can't do anything else. It's just like if this person just shows up and do everything, life will be perfect. And it's not just a young girl thing or young guy thing, it can happen at any age for many reasons. We'll get into that.

Dopamine And The Reward Trap

SPEAKER_00 6:04

So why limerence feels so intense? One reason limerence feels so powerful is because it activates the brain reward system. Yes. Uncertainty creates anticipation. Anticipation creates dopamine, and dopamine creates craving. Think about gambling. You don't know if you'll win. That uncertainty keeps people pulling the lever. It does. I've been there too. Um limerence operates similarly. When someone is inconsistent, unavailable, confusing, or emotionally unpredictable, the brain often becomes more focused on them. Yes, this happens a lot. When the person is inconsistent, yeah. And seeing and when they're unavailable, you would think that the person say, Okay, this person isn't available, and they walk on, but they you know, a lot of people don't do that. And people from the outside looking in would be like, Hey, just let it go, they're not for you, you're wasting time. But even the person who's telling you that has probably been through an experience similar, y you know, and they were locked in and nobody could tell them anything. So don't feel bad. Every text feels exciting with this person. Every interaction feels meaningful with this person. Every small sign of attention feels like a reward. It does. You're like, When will he call? You know, that used to be the number one psychic question, when will he call? And you know, that is like waiting for that moment and dropping everything because they finally called. And that's part of this. The nervous system begins chasing relief. The person becomes associated with emotional regulation. Instead of I enjoy being with them, the experience becomes I need them to feel okay. Yes, that shift is important. Healthy love feels connected, limerence feels compulsive. So you're not enjoying being with them. It's like I just need them to feel okay so that they stick around. Yes. Needing them to stick around at all costs, right?

Healthy Love Versus Compulsion

SPEAKER_00 8:38

So limerence versus love. Many people ask, isn't this just being deeply in love? Not necessarily. It's not even Romeo and Juliet. Healthy love? Let's compare. Okay, healthy love. Healthy love includes curiosity, respect, consistency, emotional safety, reality based perception. That's healthy love. You see the whole person, not just their potentials. You see their strength, you see their flaws, their humanity. Love allows space. Love grows over time. Love becomes deeper through experience. But limerence limerence often includes obsession, idol idealization, fantasy, emotional dependency, fear of rejection, and constant mental preoccupation. That's the difference. So instead of seeing the actual person, we often see a projected version of them. We imagine who they are, we imagine what the relationship could become. We imagine how our life could change if they chose us. The emotional experience becomes attached to the fantasy. This is why people feel overwhelming limerence for a person they've barely spent time with. The attachment is often more connected to imagination than reality. And this is the problem in the spiritual community because we believe in soulmates and twin flames and karmic relationships and spiritual connections and all this stuff. We can misconstrue this behavior as I believe they're a twin flame, I believe they're a soulmate, I believe that we have something special. You know, it can get twisted. And it could be like, well, we're just clearing out our karma first, and then it'll get good. And that isn't always so. Sometimes you really have to walk away. And I know sometimes during readings, people don't want to hear that, and you you know, on a platform, that's how you get a one star because it's not often that you aren't inaccurate, it's often that you disappointed the person, and believe me, nobody wants to disappoint anybody, but we always operate in integrity. And you know, it's hard to tell someone something that they've been building up for and desiring isn't it. You know, but they kind of know already, but it's still a hard thing.

Attachment Wounds And Familiar Pain

SPEAKER_00 11:35

So let's talk about the attachment connection, because that's a thing here. Limerence frequently overlaps with attachment wounds, particularly anxious attachment. I gotta do a podcast on that one. Emotional neglect, childhood inconsistency, and unmet emotional needs. If love felt unpredictable growing up, your nervous system may have learned love must be chased, love must be earned, love is uncertain, love can disappear. As adults, we may unconsciously recreate those dynamics. We become intensely drawn towards people who feel emotionally unavailable. Very common. Not because it feels good, but because it feels familiar. The nervous system often mistakes familiarity for safety. This is why people frequently find themselves attracted to individuals who send mixed signals, are unavailable, have commitment issues, live far away, are already partnered, or offer intermittent attention. The brain interprets uncertainty as significant. The nervous system becomes activated. Yes, the attachment wound becomes engaged, and limerence begins to grow. And that's where the issue is. And that's where the problem lies.

Signs You’re Stuck In Limerence

SPEAKER_00 13:26

So let's talk about common signs of limerence. Let's talk about some common signs. You may be experiencing limerence if you think about them constantly. That's the first one. They dominate your mental space. You replay conversations repeatedly, you analyze every interaction. Like what did they really mean when they said this or said that? You know, you start questioning it all and over-analyzing and overthinking. And another one is if your mood depends on them. A text makes your day. Silence ruins your day. Their attention determines your emotional state. You idealize them, you overlook their red flags. A lot of people do, they just see the potential. It's like, see what they're showing you. And that's hard when you're going through limerence. You focus on potential rather than reality. You believe they are uniquely special. Everybody wants to find a special feeling, and you want to be with someone who's never felt this way about anyone else before, and that doesn't guarantee security. A lot of times I said in love bombing, right, so that you can control the person, you create fantasies, you spend significant time imagining future scenarios, you mentally rehearse conversations, you build entire relationships in your mind. Yes, it happens, it happens often. You struggle to let go. Even when the relationship is unhealthy, even when they are unavailable, even when logic says it isn't working, the emotional attachment became becomes like powerful, it remains powerful. And what happens is this is when people go, but I love him, but I love her, but I know we have something special. And it's like, look at the reality.

When Intensity Masquerades As Destiny

SPEAKER_00 15:39

Now let's talk about why limberance can feel spiritual, because this is a big issue. As I mentioned earlier, many people mistake limberance for spiritual connection. It's a big thing, especially if you're in the spiritual world, the psychic world, and you know, even as a professional psychic, I always have to ask myself when I'm dealing with someone, is this reality? Is this healthy? I have to analyze a lot of things because I live in the woo-woo world and I believe in all this woo-woo stuff, but I have to remind myself I'm a human being having a human experience, and that comes first. That is your protection. Is if you can stay grounded, you can survive and not waste time with the wrong connections as much. And you know, healing trauma. Okay, so any people mistaking the limerits for a spiritual connection, they may think this must be my soulmate. I've done a podcast on this. This must be my twin flame. This must be destiny. Everybody wants these magical moments. Sometimes meaningful spiritual connections do exist. However, limerence can create intense feelings that mimic spiritual certainty. Why? Because emotional charge is so strong. Intensity is often confused with truth. But intensity does not always mean alignment. Intensity does not always mean compatibility. Intensity does not always mean love. It doesn't. Sometimes intensity simply means activation. A nervous system wound can feel incredibly powerful. So that activation is of a nervous system wound. And that doesn't automatically make it a spiritual assignment. Discernment requires looking at reality, not just emotion. That is so important. And and this is how people get in trouble because you know we have these goals in life. I want to find my soulmate, my twin flame, because if I do, I get it right and I won't have a divorce or a breakup or hurt, and we live happily ever after forever. And that's okay. You are supposed to shoot for a long-term relationship. Who shoots for divorce, right? Who shoots for breakup? But a lot of people think that if you're with a twin flame or a soulmate, that means forever. And it doesn't always mean that. It could be a reason, a season, maybe a lifetime, and that could be disappointing for some people to hear. You know, it really is. Or when people go, is this my soulmate? I don't even want to answer that question sometimes because they just run off with this my soulmate, everything to be okay. And it's like, no, there's work involved if this is your soulmate. You guys are healing each other, you know, but you don't want to sit there and be in a bad situation either.

The Anxiety And Exhaustion Spiral

SPEAKER_00 18:54

So let's talk about the pain of limerence because there is pain involved. Limerence eventually becomes exhausting. Many people report anxiety, difficulty concentrating, rumination, sleep disturbances, emotional highs and lows, feeling trapped in their own thoughts. The person becomes a center of emotional gravity. Life starts shrinking. Energy becomes consumed by waiting, hoping, analyzing, and longing. What initially felt exciting becomes well it begins to feel more painful. The fantasy promises relief, but the fantasy never fully delivers. And you don't want to spend your time wondering what is he thinking, what is she thinking. We read that stuff, but you know, it's to get through situations, right? And sometimes you're going through a tough time and you need help, but you don't want to do that the whole lifespan of a relationship. But there are moments in time where that may be necessary, especially if you're with someone who isn't talking, so you can get clarity.

Healing The Need Under The Obsession

SPEAKER_00 20:10

So we're going to talk about how to heal from limerence. Oh, it's a tough one, right? How to heal. Healing begins when we stop focusing solely on the person and start exploring what attachment is trying to teach us. Ask yourself, what am I hoping this person will give me? Validation, worthiness, safety, belonging, being chosen, being seen? A lot of women still want to be chosen. We're not puppies. You know? We're we're gifts, we're prizes. You all need to be chosen. If somebody does choose you, they're getting a prize, right? What emotional needs feel attached to this connection? What what is it solving emotionally for you? Often the healing work is not about getting the person. Yep, it's about meeting the need underneath the obsession. Healing may involve nervous system regulation where you're learning to tolerate uncertainty, learning to self-soothe, learning that you can survive disappointment. Reality-based observation is seeing the person as they truly are, not who you hope they become. You know, this potential stuff gets us in trouble. Attachment healing, exploring childhood patterns, exploring relationship history, your parents' relationship, your caretakers' relationship. What how were relationships in your family? Like I come from a family where yes, we get married, but a lot of us will have long single periods. That's just how we are, and we do fine on our own. And you know, so it's like we can like somebody, if it doesn't work out, okay. And you know, but then maybe in your family it's you know, somebody always has a partner, and that's your norm, and it's like you're trying to get it right and trying to find your right partner. How are you affected? Did your parents fight? You know, was there you know, silent treatment? What was going on? We have to look at our upbringing to understand our adulthood. We do so you can understand why certain dynamics feel compelling, returning energy to yourself, redirecting attention toward your goals. Okay, this is how you heal your friendships, your purpose, your healing, your growth, your family, traveling, doing things for you, being all about you. The less dependent your emotional state becomes on other people's behavior, the more freedom you experience. If you're experiencing limerence right now, know that you are not alone. Many intelligent people, self-aware, spiritual and emotionally insightful people experience it. So don't feel stupid, don't feel embarrassed, don't feel like you're not spiritual or or anything, but you're just noticing just a part that needs to be healed, right? Limerence is not a sign that something is wrong with you. It is often a signal, a signal pointing toward unmet needs, attachment patterns, emotional wounds, or parts of yourself asking for attention and healing. The goal is not to judge yourself, the goal is to become curious, to ask, what is this attachment trying to teach me? What do I actually need? How can I begin giving that to myself? As healing happens, obsession often softens, the nervous system settles, and what remains is greater clarity. Sometimes the relationship continues in a healthy way, sometimes it ends. But either way you become more whole.

Closing Reflections And Grounding

SPEAKER_00 24:23

So I want to thank you for listening today. And so if this ref if this episode resonated with you, take a moment and reflect on where you may be, confusing intensity with love or longing with connection. Nothing wrong with wanting a relationship, but you just want to be in the right one and a healthier one. So until next time, be gentle with yourself, stay grounded, and remember that true healing begins when we bring compassion to places within us that are still asking to be loved. Nothing wrong with that, with wanting to be loved. And so keep that in mind. So I want to thank you for listening. Have a great day, and I will see you in the next episode.