Why Empaths Struggle to Say No to Money Requests

The Embodied Healer Collective

Break Free From Overgiving: A Trauma-Informed Guided Workbook for Empowered Receiving

Quiz

Money help can look like love on the surface, but what if it’s really fear, guilt, or an old survival pattern running the show? We get honest about financial overgiving, especially for empaths, healers, and “the responsible one” in the family who keeps getting tapped as the emergency fund. If you’ve ever paid someone else’s bills while quietly worrying about your own, you’re going to feel seen here.

We talk about the hidden psychology behind overgiving, including how trauma can teach us that love must be earned and how family rules like “we don’t say no” can turn support into pressure. I share a personal story about realizing someone wasn’t truly in need, they were simply comfortable spending my money, and how setting one hard boundary changed everything. We also dig into why hoping for a financial miracle rarely works without changing patterns like people pleasing, discounting your work, and rescuing adults from the consequences of their choices.

You’ll leave with practical tools: clear boundary scripts, a mindset shift from obligation to choice, and a set of questions to ask before you loan or give money so you can help wisely without resentment. If this hit home, subscribe, share it with someone who always “helps,” and leave a review so more people can build financial boundaries without shame. What boundary are you ready to set today?

Transcript

Why Money Help Can Be Fear

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Many people believe that helping financially is always an act of love. Sometimes it is, but sometimes it's an act of fear. Sometimes it's guilt, sometimes it's trauma, sometimes it's a nervous system that learned, if I keep everyone happy, I'll stay safe. Today we're talking about the hidden psychology behind financial overgiving, why so many empaths and healers struggle with it, and why having financial boundaries isn't selfish, it's necessary. It's one of the healthiest things you can do. Have you ever loaned someone money you couldn't really afford to lose? Yeah. So have you given money to people and you really couldn't afford to give it to them, but you did. There's some trauma trigger in there. Have you paid someone else's bills while secretly worrying about your own? You'd be surprised how many people have done this. Have you become the family member everyone calls when they need help? But you can't go to any of them. Have you felt guilty saying no even though you knew helping would create stress? If so, you're far from alone. One of the biggest misconceptions about generosity is that more is always better. But healthy generosity and self-sacrifice are not the same day, same thing. Today we're going to explore why so many caring people become trapped in financial overgiving, what trauma has to do with it, why empaths are especially vulnerable, and how to begin creating healthier financial boundaries without carrying guilt. I decided to do this podcast because I started teaching about overgiving years ago because I always say I'm an overgiver in recovery. And when I've worked with certain people, I'm like welcome to the

Overgiver In Recovery Mindset

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group, I'm overgiver in recovery, and you will eventually become an overgiver in recovery. And it takes time to set those boundaries and say no. And I had a pivotal situation happen about five years ago. I was helping a family member. I called them a family member, but they were really like just a close family friend, cover child care. As they made me believe that they didn't have the money. And it was because my intuition was trying to tell me something. Look up, pay attention. And so I f started connecting the dots, and I realized this person isn't without money. They just like spending my money instead of their own. And I confronted them. And their attitude is they didn't apologize for nothing. They're just like, we could just part ways. I said, Fine, we can just part ways. You know, and they were shocked because they thought I wouldn't do that. They just knew because I have been kind that they can treat me however. And I said, You have no respect for me and partially it's my fault. I said, But we're done until you can become a responsible adult and take accountability. And I just really was a shock. And I posted many times about being an overgiver and a lot of people would relate. I remember one time I just did a general statement of how you help people with their bills when you didn't know if you're going to cover your rent, and I was surprised how many likes I got. I was like floored. And you know, it it just really hit me that this is a big issue. And it just I realized throughout the years of doing readings and coaching and even with grief coaching, how many people are chronic overgivers? And I think it's about helping and being a good family, and if you have more, we tend to guilt people who have more in this society. And yes, there's some people with grief, but set aside even people who just have a little bit more guilt it. Well, you should be helping, you shouldn't have that. And it's like you don't get to save what people should have, and a lot of people who help the most aren't the wealthiest, right? They have some, but they don't have it all figured out, and they've got student loans and they got debt. And I'm going on this tangent because I really want you guys to understand that you have to look at your finances, and finances is probably the second reason why people call psychics. Usually it's about relationships, and then it's well my finances get better. Then I have to tell them finances don't magically get better, you have to make changes. And a lot of people are just hoping that more money come in, a windfall of money will come in and solve their problems. But if you have bad financial patterns, the universe can't reward you because the universe says you're not ready for it yet. And you know, the minute that I stopped paying that situation because I was becoming resentful and how they acted, all of a sudden I have money to buy a home. And you know, I knew that that person had plenty of money that they're hiding from me, and I told them how much I knew that they had and how I connected the dots, and you you know, life got better, and now I help, but I

A Pivotal Family Money Wake-Up

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help with boundaries and I'm very careful. You don't want to be the go-to for everyone. At first it feels good, like, oh, I've got this, I can help people, but then after a while it's resentful, especially like you know, when you see the post and people are like, I loan them money and they haven't paid me back, but they're on vacation. Yeah, you know, so be wise. And it's not being stingy, selfish, greedy. We need to stop that shit because we are hurting ourselves when we take on this mindset that if I have a lot, I gotta give it all away. No, you don't. You help, but you help within reason and make sure you're helping people who appreciate it and will do something with that help instead of just taking advantage and making you feel guilty. Especially if you're the most successful family member and everybody's looking at you, and it's like, okay, well, what did the other family members do? Did they try as hard? You know, this may be a hard conversation for people to hear, but it's time to look at these things because too many people are worried about their finances, but they're not making changes, they're not setting boundaries, they're not saying no, and they're just hoping for some financial miracle, and finances don't really work that way. How many people win the lottery? Even when it's a big jackpot, one person wins it, sometimes two. You know, so let's let go of the windfall and get honest about our financial issues. So let's talk about this. Helping isn't the problem. Helping people isn't unhealthy, compassion isn't unhealthy, generosity isn't unhealthy. Supporting someone during a genuine crisis can be beautiful. The problem begins when helping becomes automatic and expect it. When it becomes your identity, and people know they can go to you, but can you go to them? And sometimes haven't you helped someone and all of a sudden you're not okay and they're doing better and they don't offer you nothing. When saying yes feels safer than saying no, many people aren't helping because they freely choose to. They're helping because their nervous system doesn't feel safe doing anything else. That is a very different experience. It really is. You know, because the triggers coming come up, right? And you're just like, I gotta help, I gotta be there, I gotta be the good person, you know. I do have more, you know, I just gotta give it away, especially if you struggle with holding on to money and you gotta give it away, you're gonna help people. Um, but always help to the ability that you can and be honest about that. Do you have any money saved for emergency? Do you have any retirement money? A lot of people go, someday I get it. No, someday will never come if you don't work on your trauma issues and your money stuff. That day will never come. It's not gonna magically be okay one day, and I want this to be a real honest conversation because finances is a big reason why people call psychics. Trauma can teach us that love must be earned. Many childhood environments unintentionally teach children that love comes with condition. Maybe you were praised for being the responsible one. Maybe you became the peacekeeper. Maybe you became the family rescuer. Maybe you learn to take care of everyone else's emotions. And often this person is the one who's going to be the caretaker of the elderly parent, while everybody else gets to go play and have fun and come back later, you know, when it's closer to the parents' time. There's usually one family member. I've seen that too a lot. I didn't have this because my parents died young, that's doing all the work. And sometimes overgiver is that person awesome. And everybody else just expects you to handle it. So maybe your parents depended upon you emotionally because nobody else was there. Maybe you watch someone struggle financially and promise yourself you'd never let that happen again. Because it hurts to watch people struggle. If you have empathy, it it's hard to watch people struggle. Children naturally adapt to survive. Those adaptations often become lifelong patterns. As adults, those same survival strategies can show up as I fix it, I pay, I take care of it, I make everything okay. The nervous system mistakes rescuing for safety. It really does. Family obligation can become emotional pressure. A lot of people are in this situation. Many families have spoken or unspoken rules. You take care of family. Family comes first.

Resentment And The “Go-To” Trap

SPEAKER_00 10:40

We don't say no. And and that's a lot of pressure. If you have money, you share. You see how this gets the wheels turning? If someone struggles, you rescue them. On the surface, these values can sound loving, but when obligation replaces choice, resentment often follows. It does. I was resentful, and I've known plenty of people to become resentful. Healthy families appreciate support. Unhealthy systems expect it. If you have a family that has dysfunction, they're gonna expect you to drain and use your last dollar. And they're not gonna care. If you're struggling, they're like, you just help. You look like you got more. That's why a lot of people hide how much money they make. Uh, you know, if people ask, I tell them I say, Doesn't matter, I got a boundary here. Um, I it took a while for me to get there. And if you're struggling with this, it'd take a while, but one day you're gonna wake up and say, I am sick of this mess. Healthy families ask. Unhealthy systems assume, healthy families respect boundaries, unhealthy systems punish boundaries. Some people become the family's emergency fund. And we all have you know family members who can be working just as hard, but they're not, and they're just resenting you for being successful. But if you think about it, you've worked hard for what you have, and a lot of other people, you know, that you're close to could have done it too. You know, of course, if you have a sick family member or one with addiction or something, you help, but you actually gotta have a financial boundary to save yourself. Every crisis lands at the overgiver's doorstep, every unexpected bill, every financial mistake, every poor decision. Eventually the helper begins sacrificing their own future to fund someone else's present. I know I'm preaching to the choir, I know it. I I know it's hard when you're in a family where this is how you're groomed and you don't want to be, you know, pushed out or make the bad person. But you have to ask yourself, do you have any retirement? Do you have an emergency fund? If you get laid off, they say we're supposed to have one to two years of salary. Most people don't have that. They go, Well, how can you have that with wages being so low? But still, people with low wages are giving money that they can't afford to give. I've seen it. Why impasse are especially vulnerable? Empaths naturally notice suffering. Yes, impasse. They feel very deeply, they feel the pain so deeply. They want to help. There's nothing wrong with compassion. The difficulty comes when another person's discomfort becomes impossible for you to tolerate. And that's what I was dealing with. I was struggling as an empath. That's why I helped this person for so long. Many empaths do don't just witness suffering, they absorb it, they carry it, they feel responsible for fixing

Trauma Roles And Family Pressure

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it. Someone cries, you immediately think, What can I do? Someone loses a job. You wonder if you should lend money. Someone struggles to pay rent. You begin calculating what you can give. Notice how quickly your brain moves from witnessing to rescuing. That jump often comes from conditioning, not intuition. Financial people pleasing, yeah. Most people think that people pleasing only looks like saying yes, but financial people pleasing is incredibly common. Examples include buying gifts you can't afford, paying every time you go out, never asking people to pay you back. You feel uncomfortable, and they know it, and so they don't offer to pay you back and they go on vacation and buy, you know, $200 shoes and stuff. I know you guys have seen it. I have seen it. I know you have friends who have posted about this stuff. Loaning money you know won't be returned. Covering family expenses repeatedly, feeling guilty charging for your work in past, just discounting your services. I learned a hard lesson. Okay, you know, I work on a platform, and you know, people would message me and say, Can I have free minutes? Because you know, they can't afford a call. And at the time I was like $2.99 a minute, right now $4.99 a minute because the platform takes a lot of that. And you know, I have my private business, and people also say I don't have money, but I learned a few times. One of the things I learned is that when you leave feedback on the platform, you could you know, you can just Google the person and see who they called. And some of these people were calling people who charge $49.99 a minute, and they were asking me for three minutes and to leave feedback, you have to call for a minimum of three minutes. So they spent a hundred and fifty dollars minimum for a three-minute reading, probably talked longer, and then they would message me and they want three minutes. And you know, if somebody's called me regularly, I will give them to them. But if they're constantly asking for them, they're like, I can't call you, I need to talk to you, and I see that you know they spend 49.99 a minute, you you know, you you kind of realize this, okay. Healers in past, you know what I'm talking about. You help, but you help within reason, and you don't have to rescue someone who does have money to pay that much for a reading. I you you know, power more power to the person who charges that much. There are quite a few people who charge 29, 39, 49 a minute. I think that's the max you could charge on the platform. But I just learned to really use discernment. You gotta use discernment. Giving away free coaching, don't working overtime without compensation, no. Paying for adult children's responsibilities, you help your kids, you know, you help them somewhat, but within boundaries, right? Because you want them to fly. You you know, you want to raise them that in case you don't have money or something happens to you, they'd be okay. That's how I raised my son, although he passed before me. I had that boy responsible, and he was, and actually, he actually loaned me money for my first practice. I paid him back because I wanted to pay him back. He didn't want it, but I wanted to pay him back. Financial people pleasing quietly drains both your wallet and your nervous system. And again, I'm talking about this because I thought I was one of the very few people for many years, and I know a lot of people are going through this. I understand that through my work. The fear behind overgiving. Underneath overgiving is usually fear, fear of rejection, fear of conflict, fear of disappointing someone, fear of abandonment, fear of being seen as selfish, fear that people will leave you if you stop helping. And sometimes you lose. I lost if I stop helping, but it was the right thing to do. My guides were screaming in my ear to stop. The money becomes symbolic. You're not just giving dollars, you're trying to buy safety, approval, belonging, connection, acceptance, love. And unfortunately, none of these can actually be purchased. And a lot of times people will overgive and relationships trying to buy love. That's why these scammers do so good. You know, we're taking advantage of people and people send them thousands because they found the overgiver who you know has this pattern, and they know what they're looking for. You know, um, the hidden costs of financial rescuing. Many people only think about financial costs, but there are emotional costs too. Chronic anxiety, resentment, burnout, exhaustion, difficulty trusting people, feeling used, feeling appreciated only when giving. Some helpers eventually realize something heartbreaking. People stop calling to connect, they only call when they needed something. That realization hurts deeply. This is what I learned that I was actually interfering with people's past. I was interfering with their spiritual journey, and that's what we're doing when we help too much, help within reason. I learned to tell people this one time, only this. That's when I do help. And I say, No, you're not gonna come back again and again, only this time. This part can be difficult to hear.

Empaths And Financial People Pleasing

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Sometimes helping too much actually prevents someone from growing. When every consequence is removed, responsibilities often disappear too. Growth usually happens when people learn to solve their own problems, develop new skills, ask for resources, budget differently. A lot of times when I tell people, you know, you gotta look at your budget, they'll want to hear that. They're like, no, and I understand I'm a chronic shopper too. Um, increase income. Make different choices. If someone is constantly being rescued, they may never develop those abilities. And if something happened to you, that person's gonna have to deal with their stuff anyway. Always live in a way of if I didn't have the money, what would these people do? If I died tomorrow, what would they do? They will have to figure it out. So the empath in you, watch how much fixing you do. You know, so you don't develop the ability to save yourself if you're constantly being helped. Helping someone once during emergency is different from continually protecting them from the consequences of their choices. Why healers often struggle financially, because we do. Many healers grew up believing that caring means sacrificing. They become excellent listeners, excellent caregivers, excellent supporters, but terrible receivers. We are terrible receivers in past. That's why I teach this stuff. You know, to because receiving should be easy for good people, but it's not because good people feel guilty. They feel guilty receiving, or they just give it away because of the trauma involved. Charging fairly feels uncomfortable. Receiving money feels selfish, and there's gonna be someone to try to tell you that the universal sense of Want to test you. You know, it used to bother me when people say that. I say now I say, so how do I pay my bills? Tell me how I'm gonna pay my bills if I don't take money. And they get quiet. They give away hours of advice, impasse do healers do, they discount sessions, they answer endless messages for free. Meanwhile, they quietly wonder why their business isn't growing. You cannot sustainably help others if you continually abandon yourself. Receiving is also part of healing. Many overgivers are wonderful at giving. They've mastered that, but deeply uncomfortable receiving. Receiving requires vulnerability. Right? And it can feel terrifying for your nervous system that learned that love must be earned. Healing financial boundaries. Many people fear boundaries because they refuse they confuse it with rejection, right? A boundary isn't saying I don't love you, it's saying I also have to take care of myself. Healthy boundaries create clarity. I can't loan money. I can help you brainstorm solutions. People don't like that, but sometimes you gotta do it that way. I can't pay your bills. I can help you create a budget. People don't want to hear that. I can't rescue you, but I believe you're capable. They really don't want to hear that. Support doesn't always require financial sacrifice. Questions to ask before helping someone financially. Hang on to this. Before offering financial help, pause and ask yourself, Am I giving from love or from guilt? I was giving from guilt often. Am I afraid they'd be upset if I say no? Sometimes. Then now I'll like let them be upset. Can I truly afford this? Most of the time the answer is no. Even lottery winners, why do you think lottery winners will have win hundreds of million? You think they'd be set because they lived on less for years and they're broke. They're broke within what two years, I think three years max. Can you imagine blowing through two or three hundred million that quick? But they do because they have no boundaries. And then when they're broke, nobody's there to help them. All the people go away because they can't use them. Uh watch those stories on how they there's tons of it on these different shows. You'll see it, you know, lottery winners who lost it all. Yes. You know, that's why sometimes winning the lottery is a curse. What if I give this money and they never pay me back? Are you okay with that? Do you need them to pay you back? A lot of people are still waiting for someone to pay them back. Am I trying to fix my own discomfort? That's what's happening most of the time. Is this creating dependency? Yes. Is helping preventing someone from learning? Yes. Will I secretly resent this later? You absolutely will. I didn't know that I could have resentment or how many people I know could have resentment who are overgivers, but yes, anybody can develop resentment. Those questions can reveal a great deal. I think I'm gonna post these separately in the notes so that people can look at this. These are my final thoughts, and I really felt like this is important because so many people have money problems, and you you know, we can say, well, we don't make enough money, and it's true, rent high, a lot of things are expensive now. But there are some people who I know they make like sixty thousand a year, and they live in California somehow. They have a house and they got money saved, and you know, they're they're sad, and and I've seen that a few

Boundary Scripts And Questions To Ask

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times. They make sixty thousand, eight thousand. Let's say they make under a hundred thousand. That's hard in a lot of parts of California, especially if you have kids, but they do it, and it's because they have financial literacy and they have boundaries, and they've had them their whole life, they don't overspend, they save, they do it out certain things, and sometimes they pull it off. I think we all know someone like that. I've met a few people, and people go, No, they well, they bought their house a long time ago. Not always. I was shocked. They just know how to save. They they know how to save. If we could deal with our money stuff and and start working with what we have, the universe will give us more. You know, but we have to show that we're responsible for what we have already. So I'm gonna close this out with final thoughts. If you struggle with financial overgiving, please be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself, and forgive the people who took advantage. Most people didn't become overgivers because they were weak. They became overgivers because somewhere along the way giving felt safer than disappointing others. Perhaps you grew up believing your value came for what you could do for other people. Perhaps family obligation made you feel responsible for everyone's well-being. Yeah. Perhaps being highly sensitive or empathic caused you to absorb other people's pain until it felt like your own. These patterns are understandable, but they don't have to define your future. One of the healthiest things you can learn is this. You're allowed to be compassionate without becoming someone's bank account. You're allowed to care without caring. You're allowed to support without rescuing. You're allowed to say no without explaining yourself. And perhaps most importantly, you are allowed to build a life where your generosity flows from abundance rather than obligation, where your kindness includes yourself, where your boundaries protect the very heart that wants to help. Because the healthiest helpers aren't the ones who give until they have nothing left. They're the ones who give wisely, sustainably, and with love for others and for themselves. I hope you know this helps. I hope it it gives people something to think about. We don't sit enough time talking about money. It's an uncomfortable subject for a lot of people. And a lot of people rather avoid it until the shit hits the fan and then they gotta really look at their finances and what went wrong. And y you know, it's like sit

Personal Trigger Story And Closing

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with this and find out what are your triggers. And I tell you mine real quickly. I've told the story before. We were poor, we lived in a motel, prostitute paid our bills. When I got older and realized what she did for a living, and she paid our rent for the week in the motel until my mom had bunny. I was like, Well, she sacrificed like that I could sacrifice to to help others, and that was my trigger. And where she did a beautiful thing, she did a dangerous thing, and so I started equating with taking risk, you know, and just help people. It's the right thing. Someone did that for us and prevented us from being homeless. We were already in a motel, and I had to really heal that and send a lot of blessings to that beautiful soul. I hope she's still alive. This was 1977, I think she was only like 20 or something like that. She's kind of young, and I just hope she's living the best life possible because she deserves it. But I had to realize, you know, she was kind of being a martyr and put a martyr and putting herself at risk. And I don't have to put myself at risk to help others. You don't have to put yourself at risk to help others. You can help within reason and still be a good person, a caring person, a generous person. Don't let people call you selfish or greedy. Because often people who are calling you that are the ones who are selfish and greedy. Trust me how I know. Ask me how I know. So I hope this gives you something to think about. This was personal because it needed to be, you needed to see my vulnerability and what I've been through and what I've learned and how I got here, and how things are better, you know, because I've set boundaries and things will get better for you. And yeah, I still have to watch the shopping sometimes. I I like to buy cool things that help me live better as I as I age, but you you know, it's okay. You know, take care of yourself. Things for your well-being is always good. Um, but it's okay to say no, practice saying no and say no, I just can't help you this time. I would love to. Practice how you say it. So I want to thank you for listening. Have a great day, and I will see you in the next episode.