Stop Explaining Yourself: The Hidden Cost of People Pleasing

You can say all the “right” words and still feel anxious, unseen, or stuck and that is usually the tell. When communication turns into a strategy to secure a specific reaction, we stop expressing and start managing. Today we get honest about the hidden goal so many of us carry into conversations: trying to guarantee reassurance, validation, understanding, an apology, or being chosen. The problem is simple and brutal: no perfect script can control another person’s response, and chasing that control quietly erodes your self-esteem and your relationships.

We trace where this pattern comes from: emotional safety conditioning, unpredictable households, criticism, punishment, and the learned habit of reading the room before speaking. That is nervous system survival, and it often shows up later as people pleasing that sounds “nice” but feels exhausting. We talk about over-explaining, hinting instead of asking directly, staying silent to be noticed, and replaying conversations to calm your body. Then we shift to what actually works: integrity. Your responsibility ends after honesty. Other people hear your words through their own filters, and you are not responsible for their interpretations.

We also bring in a spiritual growth lens: your words are seeds, and the universe responds to the energy beneath them. Clarity, self-respect, and congruence matter more than performative politeness. You will leave with a simple pre-conversation practice to set intentions like honesty and kindness without tying your peace to someone else’s reaction. If this resonates, subscribe, share it with a friend who edits themselves too much, and leave a review. What conversation are you ready to have without trying to control the outcome?

Transcript

Why We Try To Control

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today we're talking about something that quietly shapes our relationships, our self-esteem, our nervous system, and even our spiritual growth. It's communication. But not just communication. We're talking about why so many people communicate with one hidden goal to get a specific response from someone else. And it never works that way. A lot of times people don't speak their truth, and they're just like, Well, I say the right thing, hoping to get the right response from someone. And so you're not having an authentic relationship when you do that. So maybe you want reassurance, which is understood. Maybe you want validation, of course. Maybe you want someone to apologize, but they're going to do it in their timing if they do it. Some people are incapable of apologizing. Maybe you want someone to choose you, but you only want to be chosen by the right person. Sit with that. Maybe you want them to understand. But sadly, a lot of people listen to reply not to fully understand. Everybody's defending themselves and want to speak with and say what they gotta say. Sad but true. Communication has fallen apart over the years, and social media hasn't helped. Right? People have become worse at communicating because of social media. The truth is, most of us, you know, aren't simply expressing ourselves. And even if you want someone to change, you can't force change. So you have to express yourself from an authentic standpoint so you can have the authentic life and authentic people around you. And yes, that may mean that some people are gonna leave, but the whole goal is authenticity for better or for worse. We're often trying to influence someone's reaction, which we can't do. People have a right to their reaction even if we don't like it, and sometimes we're not going to like it. And while that's incredibly human, it's very human to want to do that. It can also become one of the biggest sources of anxiety, disappointment, and emotional suffering. Doing this work of readings and coaching, I know I see it. I see people get disappointed, but you want to always be authentic. Today I want to invite you to communicate differently. Communicate your truth. Release the outcome. You know, sometimes we just can't control the outcome. And I could tell you as a 55-year-old woman, sometimes I wanted things to happen, and now look back and it's like, thank you. You know, that it didn't work out that way. And so I invite you to see things differently, you know, and trust that your words aren't only reaching another person, they're also reaching the universe. Remember, you have to be authentic all the time because the universe is listening. And this is why sometimes people don't get what they want, or you know, they don't get out of their own way because they're not using authentic communication. And so our communication, it goes into the universe, it goes into the walls of our house and into other people's thoughts, and you know, it vibrates not just for the moment, it just extends out and it creates a vibration for long term. So every word you speak is an energetic declaration of who you are becoming.

Childhood Conditioning And People Pleasing

SPEAKER_00 3:59

Let's start by asking an honest question. Why we try to control other people's responses? I think everybody has done it one time or another, even if they will admit it. Why do we do this? Why do we carefully choose our words, her hoping someone will react exactly the way we want? And when they don't, we're hurt again. Because most of us learned early in life that our emotional safety depended upon other people's reactions, sadly. Maybe you grew up with unpredictable parents. Maybe expressing yourself led to criticism. Maybe you had to explain yourself perfectly to avoid punishment. Maybe you learned to read everyone's mood before talking. Your nervous system became incredibly skilled at managing other people's emotions. And that's why when we come across adults who speak their mind for better or for worse, we're like, oh, they're so awesome. Because so many of us have lost that. As adults, this often sounds like if I explain it the right way, maybe they finally understand. Maybe. If I say this gently enough, they won't get upset. I gotta do a whole podcast on how a lot of people are worried about someone being mad at them. If I choose the perfect words, they apologize. Not necessarily. If I don't upset them, everything to be okay. That's definitely trauma responsibility, are but that's definitely one where you learn to walk on eggshells and not rock the boat. Notice what is happening. Your communication is no longer about expression. No, it's about control. And and you know, we think of control as this aggressive, brutal, abusive thing, but sometimes it's very subtle. It's trying to control to prevent like something bad from happening, but it is a form of control. Not because you're manipulative, because more than likely you're not, it's because your nervous system believes controlling the responses creates safety. People pleasing often sounds like good communication. People pleasing doesn't always look obvious. Sometimes it sounds incredibly kind. Sometimes it sounds incredibly thoughtful. Sometimes it even sounds emotionally intelligent. But underneath the words is fear. You're carefully editing yourself. Not because the words aren't true, but because you're hoping to manage someone else's emotions, which you cannot. Just ask somebody who's been in an abusive situation, they couldn't manage their abusers' emotions. You can't. You can't if you have difficult parents, you can't say the right things, even as an adult. You you know, it you just can't manage somebody else's emotions. But you soften everything, you over-explain, you apologize for your feelings. I've done that a few times. Sometimes I've done that to keep the peace so that I don't explode. Because as quiet, people do explode. You know, we don't do it often, but we do it. When we get mad, it's on. And so I've learned sometimes to just say sorry, to just keep it cool. You rehearse conversations repeatedly before having them. You spend hours wondering. A lot of people do replay conversations over and over. Sometimes I felt it necessary to do that to get my nervous system ready for a situation. And you think, what should I say? What you're really asking is what words will guarantee the outcome I want. Sadly, you can't. The problem is no words can guarantee another person's response. It just can't. You cannot control another person's reality. You just can't. And people try and try and try and they get upset, and you know, especially during retrogrades, I get a lot of calls like that, or people are like, Well, I only want to say this if it's gonna work out. And I said, You gotta get to the place of speaking your truth because eventually your truth will pay off. Maybe not today, you know, but it will pay off eventually because you're also talking to the universe. So you cannot control another person's reality. Every person hears your words through the filter of their own experiences. That's how it works. Their beliefs, their wounds, their fears, their attachment style, their emotional maturity, their nervous system. Two people can hear the exact same sentence. One feels love, the other feels criticized. Same words, different interpretation. This happens all the time. It happens in households with multiple children. The siblings will all disagree on what happened when they all got the same treatment. This is why trying to perfectly control someone's relax reaction is impossible. You're not responsible for another person's interpretation. You're responsible for your integrity, and that is a very freeing realization. You know, as we get older and you know you stop trying to fit in, you stop caring what people think, and you speak your truth, you experience this freedom that is just absolutely delicious. It is everything to free yourself, and only you can free yourself. You can't be freed by another person. It's when you make decisions of I've had enough of this. It hasn't worked for me to do it, you know, in a way where I mince my words or only say certain things that keep other people happy. Often we make ourselves feel small or feel invisible, feel more pain, form feel more rejection, you know, when we minimize our words and don't speak our truth. Speak to express, not to manipulate the outcome. And I know a lot of times people hear the words manipulation and they also think awful, evil, and they're like, that's not what I'm doing, but it's always a form of that. And and so it just shows that it's out of fear, it's out of trauma, not necessarily out of malicious manipulation, right? So when I say manipulation, I'm not talking about malicious manipulation. I'm talking about unconscious emotional management, which all of us have done at one time or another. We have to get honest with ourselves. We've all been there. Sometimes we say things hoping someone feels guilty. Sometimes we stay silent hoping they notice. Sometimes we withdraw hoping they'll chase us. Sometimes we hint instead of asking directly. Sometimes we say yes hoping they will appreciate us. Sometimes we overexplained hoping they will approve. These are all attempts to influence an outcome. Instead, communicate because it is true. Communicate because it aligns with your values. Communicate because it honors your nervous system, not because it guarantees a particular response. Because then you have to keep on doing that. And when do you get to be you? And then you start losing yourself. This is how people lose themselves in relationships. Because they're not speaking their truth, and they're speaking to get a particular outcome, and sometimes it'll work, but most of the time it won't. Do not lose yourself, no one's worth that. I know we have trauma issues, and people have buried stuff and they're moving forward and they're thinking that they're okay because they're not harming anybody or harming themselves, or you know, they're working and everything. But when we don't deal with abandonment, the fear of being alone, the fear of not being heard or understood, we will communicate in a way trying to control a certain outcome and trying to get somebody to respond a certain way because we want the validation that we are desperately seeking. And you can't do that, or you never get to the place of authenticity.

Integrity Beats Managing Reactions

SPEAKER_00 12:50

Let's talk about something very important that people forget. You're also speaking to the universe. Here's where I like to offer a spiritual perspective. This is important. Every conversation isn't just happening between you and the other person. It's also happening between you and life. Between you and the universe, between you and your own soul. Every truthful word reinforces your identity. Every boundary that you set says, I matter. If you want people to treat you right, you gotta treat yourself right. And that starts with speaking your truth regardless of how they like it. And you don't have to be nasty to do it. You don't a lot of people think telling it like it is is being rude and nasty. No, that's some other stuff. Um, every truthful word reinforces your identity. That's what you want to remember. Every honest conversation tells the universe I trust myself, I know what I want, I know what I want from the universe, and the universe can deliver. Every authentic expression says, I no longer abandon myself to keep others comfortable. That's a horrible thing to do. Been there in my younger years. Won't do it now. And yeah, some people will leave, right? And they're like, You've changed. It's like, no, I've I've healed, I've done the work, I've become more aware. Yes, so I guess yes, I change, but in a healthy way. The universe isn't simply responding to your words, it's responding to the energy underneath your words. Are you speaking from fear, truth, scarcity, trust, control, or surrender? Always give this example of if you want to manifest something or you want something from the universe. Imagine you're sitting at a restaurant, you're looking at the menu, and the waiter says to you, What would you like to order? And you say, Chicken, they go okay, and then you go, No, no, no, no, beef. No, no, no. Well, I don't know. I, you know, what do you think I should have? You see how you lose the clarity and the waiter's like, Well, what do you want? You're eating this, I'm not eating this. Why does it matter what I like on the menu unless you want a recommendation? But you're eating this. This is you. You are requesting a meal, and so if you're not clear at the restaurant, you get nothing, right? Or you get something you don't really want. And so the universe is the same way, you must be clear with the universe, and it takes a minute of work to get there. A lot of us don't think about the stuff that we need to heal or repair to get the life that we want, but it's so important that you are clear, you know who you are, you know what you want, because the universe is listening. Not just the person you're talking to. And if you have to constantly say things a certain way to keep that relationship or get the validation, you're telling the universe, I don't want a relationship based on integrity, I don't want a relationship based where I'm seen and heard and understood for who I am. You're saying I'm willing to do something different and be someone that I'm not to get something, you know, but you don't want it that way. Even if you think you want the person badly, if you have to do all that to have the person in your life, ask your person, ask yourself, is that the person for you? More than likely no, and sometimes that's a painful thing we have to realize. The energy beneath the words matter more than the words. Have you ever had someone say all the right things for something felt off? Love bombing, that's one example. That's because people don't only hear language, they feel energy. You can say, I'm happy for you, while secretly feeling resentment. You can say it's okay when your body is screaming no. You can say I understand while silently hoping they change. Your nervous system communicates long before your words do. That's why embodiment matters. The goal isn't finding perfect words, the goal is becoming congruent. When your body, your heart, your emotions, and your words all align, communication becomes incredibly powerful. Yes. Releasing the attachment to the outcome. I know that's crazy for me to say as a reader, but I teach people also life strategy and the different options and how their actions affect things a certain way. And you know, so readings aren't about giving me guarantees. A lot of people misunderstand readings for that, but that isn't what they're for. They're the show you your power. We always have some type of power. Releasing attachment to the outcome. One of the greatest forms of emotional freedom is this. Tell your truth and let people choose what they do with it. They may understand, they may not, they may apologize, they may not, they may stay, they may leave, they may agree, they may disagree. None of those responses determine whether your truth was worth speaking. I know a lot of people fear making things worse, so they don't speak their truth. Your responsibility ends after honesty. Always be honest. It's for you. Everything beyond that belongs to them. Trying to manage someone else's responses only creates anxiety because you're trying to control something that isn't yours to control. Think about it. You can't control how someone responds. And yes, sometimes we get hurt and disappointed, and we thought somebody would act differently than what they are acting, but they have their own stuff, they have their own reasons, they have their own pain, they have their own perception, their own filter, their own everything. They have their autonomy, and sometimes it just doesn't align with ours, or at least not at the moment.

Set Intentions And Release Outcomes

SPEAKER_00 19:42

Intentional communication creates peace. Yes, it does. Before having an important conversation, pause, take a breath, ask yourself, why am I saying this? Am I trying to control? Am I trying to convince? Am I trying to be chosen? Am I trying to avoid conflict? Or am I simply honoring my truth? Set an intention. My intention is honesty, my intention is clarity, my intention is kindness, my intention is self-respect. Notice none of these intentions depends upon another's reaction. That's where peace begins. None of these intentions are about somebody else. They're about you. Who are you? A lot of people go, I'm honest, I'm always honest, I'm always honest. But are we always honest about what we want, what we need, and are we honest that we're dealing with people who are good for us to deal with? There's different levels of honesty. What changes when you communicate when you stop communicating for approval? So what changes when you stop communicating for approval? Everything changes. Oh, it gets good. Life gets so juicy. You stop rehearsing conversations endlessly. You stop analyzing every text message. You stop trying to decode every response. You stop feeling responsible for everyone else's emotions. You become calmer, more grounded, more authentic. Yes. You trust yourself more. You stop abandoning yourself just to keep other people comfortable. Ironically, people often respond better when you're no longer trying to control them. Authenticity feels safe for both sides. Congruence feels trustworthy. People sense when you're simply being real. We do sense realness. We do sense authenticity for sure. That's why you you know, we love uh you know, I look at the comments when, you know, some. Somebody has a video on Instagram, whatever, and they're like, what have you learned in life? And they're like, I just learned to stop caring about what other people think and and trying to communicate in a way to get people to like me. I no longer care about people liking me, and people just cheer that on. But that could be all of us at any age. You know, I learned it from my early 30s. I really got it. And sometimes after that, I know that me personally, if I get mad, I can be very direct. Part of it is being Sagittarius, and part of it is I've had enough of people shit. So that's a dangerous combination for Sagittarius. We are blunt people. And so sometimes I do kind of rehearse if I gotta be around someone difficult so that I don't go off on them. And too much of telling it like it is, or I say things a little bit softer. That's something that, yes, I I am cognizant that I need to do. And not that I'm going to not speak my truth, but sometimes I do look at certain people and it's like, okay, I'm gonna they're gonna say something that's gonna upset me. How am I gonna respond? I'm gonna tell them this is how I feel, and I'm gonna try to be respectful instead of you know what? I'm sick of you. I'm I'm sick of this dynamic that we have, because there are some family members like that. And one, I finally had to say I had enough of you. 20 years of you acting this way. So, yeah, sometimes I will sit and it's like, let me soften this, let me, you know, bite my tongue occasionally, not because I want something from them, I want something from me. I want me to be on my best behavior because you could be a spiritual, I do a lot of nervous system regulation, I meditate, everything, but we still live in the world, and we still are gonna have interactions with people, and you know, I think ten percent we're not gonna be able to handle certain things the way we want, but ninety percent we can, and that's excellent. That's an A, you know. Maybe it's an A minus in some schools, but it's an A. And so that's very important. And so you just become more authentic, you trust yourself more, you stop abandoning yourself to chunk to keep other people comfortable. Ironically, people often respond better. Remember that. I wanted to repeat that.

Words As Seeds And Closing

SPEAKER_00 24:37

Final thoughts. As we close today, I want to leave you with this thought. Your words are seeds. You want to plant healthy seeds. Every conversation plants something not only in another person's heart, but in your own heart. In your own. Every time you speak your truth with honesty, compassion, and integrity, you're teaching your nervous system that it is safe to be authentic. You're showing yourself that your voice matters, even if someone disagrees. You're telling the universe, I trust that I don't have to manipulate, convince, perform, or chase an outcome. I simply have to be true to myself. You cannot control how someone receives your words, you can't. You cannot control their healing, you cannot control their choices, but you can control whether you leave a conversation knowing you honor yourself. And that is real freedom. So the next time you're preparing for an important conversation, ask yourself one simple question. Am I speaking to control the outcome or am I speaking my truth? When you choose truth over control, you stop living from fear and you start living from alignment. I want to thank you for listening today, and hopefully this helps. I want all of this podcast every time I speak to help someone to understand. You know, over 24 years of doing this work, I've learned so much from clients and just understanding about myself and other people. And I want to share. I want to share what I learned. I believe it's valuable. So a lot of what I'm saying isn't like, well, this is my opinion, it's what I learned from all of you. And all of it, all of us are a piece of the puzzle. So these are the pieces of the puzzle that I have seen. And I believe to be true because you know, I've done over 132,000 documented readings, and you know, I do coaching, I've done a lot of work throughout the years, and you know, working with people is I don't want to cry, but it's the most beautiful thing, even on its hardest days, even on its emotional days, it's beautiful. People are beautiful. We learn so much from each other. So I want to thank you for listening. Have a great day, and I see you in the next episode.