Why Perfectionism Isn't About High Standards - It's About Feeling Safe

Perfectionism can look like ambition, organization, or “high standards,” but inside it often feels like fear: don’t mess up, don’t get judged, don’t get rejected. We’re digging into the truth that changed everything for me, perfectionism is usually about safety, not excellence. When you see it as a protective strategy instead of an identity, you stop blaming yourself and start understanding what your nervous system has been trying to do all along. 

We talk about where perfectionism often starts, including childhood experiences where mistakes came with consequences, criticism, or emotional distance. I share how I used to misunderstand perfectionists and how coaching and intuitive work helped me recognize perfectionism as a trauma response that can drive procrastination, people pleasing, overthinking, burnout, and the habit of never feeling “done.” We also get honest about how social media and “perfect” professional images can reinforce the cycle, even though real connection is built on being human and imperfect. 

Then we move into healing: not by pushing harder, but by helping your body experience safety. I walk through simple embodiment and nervous system practices like slowing your breath, grounding, orienting to your surroundings, and learning to stay connected to yourself when things aren’t perfect. We end with the reminder that your worth was never earned through performance, and you can choose authenticity over approval. If this resonates, subscribe, share with a friend who needs relief, and leave a review with the biggest perfectionism pattern you’re ready to release.

Transcript

Why Perfectionism Felt So Foreign

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today we're going to talk about perfectionism. This topic always fascinated me because when I was younger and you know when I went to trade school and on to college, I seen it, you know, with women more than anything wanting to be perfect and you know had to have all the right answers on the test and feeling stressed about it, and they will say, Well, I'm a perfectionist, and you know, I'm like, Well, I'm all over the place. I'm trying to just survive here, and there was no room for me to even think to be perfect, because I just felt like a mess. I was just trying to survive. So I was just really fascinated, like, oh, if they were a perfectionist, I grew up in the great situation and there was no abuse and all this stuff. That's what I thought at the time, because you know, I thought perfectionism was for people who had perfect lives when I was younger. Then I got older and started doing the work. And I did feel strange for not being a perfectionist. It's like sometimes I just wanted to pass. You know, I ended up with a B average, like, you know, 3.2 hour child of school, but I was never gonna be a straight A student. I have repeated two courses in chiropractic school, I repeated, I think, two courses in undergrad, you you know, so I was never gonna be perfect. I was never gonna be straight A. And you know, I knew people who had to have everything just right, and they apologize over tiny mistakes and y you know, they just had to do everything perfect in school at the time. And as I got older and, you know, we moved into like this world of social media, you could really understand the personalities behind things, and as I was coaching, I realized, whoa, perfectionism is about safety. It's not about you had the perfect upbringing, and so you could just flourish and be perfect. It's about protecting yourself. And you know, perfectionism you know, perfectionists, what they they do everything perfect, perfect writing. They delay starting projects because they didn't feel ready. They are incredibly hard on themselves. And you know, it's an energy that they carry, and I remember that in school and just you know, through coaching and talking to people and looking I felt small in my younger years because I wasn't a perfectionist. Had other issues. I didn't know that perfectionism was an issue, so I remember thinking, why do they put so much pressure on themselves? You know, and how do they have the freedom to do that? I was worried about rent and living in a bad neighborhood and being a teen mom. And so there was no room for that. So I really didn't get it in my younger years. But it was later in life, after coaching, you know, and doing intuitive readings and I began to understand what was really

Perfectionism As Survival And Safety

SPEAKER_00 3:30

happening. Perfectionism isn't usually about having high standards, it's about survival. It's often a childhood trauma response. When I understood that, I stopped seeing perfectionists as people trying to be impressive. I started seeing people whose nervous systems had learned that mistakes weren't safe. And it just really helped you you know, I love this work because it has saved me, it has helped me to heal things about myself, and I want to give that back to people, what it's done for me. And understanding this is like, oh, you know, I was okay, I was okay back then, and I learned to be more okay with myself as I learn about these things, and hopefully it helps other people. That's why I do my diary, my podcast. Um, maybe you're one of those people who struggle with perfectionism your whole life. Maybe someone you love has, or maybe you never thought of yourself as a perfectionist, but you've recognized yourself and constantly overthinking, procrastinating, or feeling like something you do is ever not good enough. And it's that if that's you, I hope today's episode helps you to see yourself and a little more compassion. Because perfectionism isn't an identity, it's a protective strategy. And protective strategies can heal. So what is perfectionism?

Where It Comes From In Childhood

SPEAKER_00 5:18

When most people think about perfectionism, the pitcher, someone who likes everyone neat and organized, someone who gets straight A's, someone who's incredibly successful. But that's not really what perfectionism is. Perfectionism is a belief that if you do everything perfectly, you'll finally be safe. Safe from criticism, safe from rejection, safe from failure, safe from disappointment, safe from being hurt. Notice that none of those have anything to do with excellence. Perfectionism isn't striving for your best, it's trying to avoid emotional pain with the mask of I'm striving to be my best. When I hear people go, Well, I'm a perfectionist, you know, I know what that means now. It's driven by fear, and fear always involves a nervous system. Your nervous system isn't asking, can I do this perfectly? It's asking, Am I safe? And that's all we want to be is safe, and we have different ways of acting out, whether it's people pleasing, overgiving, perfectionism, you know, having some other addiction, alcohol, drugs, you know, something trying to look for safety and to soothe ourselves. That's what we're all trying to do. We just all do it in different ways. Where does perfectionism come from? Children don't become perfectionists because they enjoy pressure. They become perfectionists because something taught them mistakes had consequences. Maybe mistakes were criticized, maybe they were punished, maybe affection disappeared, maybe they were embarrassed, maybe they were expected to grow up quickly. Maybe they learned that being the good child was the safest role. And you even hear it in adults, they're like, Well, I just did everything for everybody. I just I just made sure that everybody knew that I was doing the right things, and you know, I took care of everybody and I'm the good child because they're trying to feel safe. Some children grew up walking on eggshells. Sadly, too many children have. No child should have to walk on eggshells. They become experts at reading moods. They learn exactly what makes a parent angry, exactly what gets approval, exactly what avoids conflict. Their nervous system learns, if I get everything right, maybe nothing bad will happen. That's not personality, that's adaptation. Many empaths grew up in environments where they had to pay close attention to everyone else's emotional state. Not because they wanted to, but because it helped them to survive. This is all about survival, perfectionism. And I think that a lot of people who are perfectionists may not even realize it. Because it it's a good look to some extent in society, you know, especially, you know, back in you know, the nineties when I was in college. You know, and even what when I went to trade school is like 1986. And you know, so we like to look up to people and we don't know their inner struggles. We don't know why they have to get everything right, or why they have to be perfect. And people say it less than before, I'm a perfectionist, because I think you know, we're starting to talk about where it comes from, and that you know, when you say I'm a perfectionist, now it's like admitting that I have a trauma, I have a pain, and and maybe if you're a perfectionist, you don't want anybody to see your pain because that's not safe either. But hopefully we come into a world where it get it becomes more and more safe to, you know, express these things. And so may everybody have someone safe to say, you know, the tough things too.

Nervous System Triggers And Old Fear

SPEAKER_00 9:56

Perfectionism and the nervous system. Here's something I wish more people understood. Perfectionism doesn't begin in your thoughts, it begins in your body. Your nervous system remembers experiences long after your conscious mind forgets them. So even as an adult, your body may still react to a small mistake as though you're ten years old. Someone gives you feedback, your heart races, you immediately feel embarrassed, you replay the conversation for hours, you assume you've disappointed someone. Why? Because your nervous system recognizes that feeling. It's old. The mistake isn't what's creating the fear, it's activating an old survival response. And you know, I think that's why some people can criticize so easily because they grew up with it, so that's why they criticize others, and although they're not gonna show you they're vulnerable and and that you know they make mistakes, they can criticize other people because you know that's what they've been shown, and they can't show their vulnerability because they're still trying to feel safe, still trying to survive. Perfectionism and authenticity.

Why You Cannot Be Perfect And Real

SPEAKER_00 11:26

I have this saying you can't be authentic and perfect at the same time. A reason why you can't be perfect and authentic at the same time. There's a reason. This is one of the biggest lessons that I've learned through this work and through losing my son. Authenticity requires vulnerability. And when you're a perfectionist, it is not safe to be vulnerable. Authenticity says this is who I am. Like it or or not, this is who I am. That's why it takes so long to become fully authentic, you know, because you have to shed a lot to get there. And a lot of people want to act like they're always been real and always been authentic. We all have always been some realness and some authenticity, but to get fully there takes time. It's shedding a lot of pain, a lot of old belief systems, a lot of trauma. Perfectionism says, Who do I need to become so everyone approves of me? See the difference. Authenticity says, This is who I am, take it or leave it. Perfectionism says, Who do I need to become so everyone approves of me? So you can see how perfectionism needs safety all of the time. Authenticity allows for mistakes. Perfectionism fears mistakes. Just can't make mistakes. Authenticity allows for growth. Perfectionism delays growth. It does. It's not safe to grow because when we grow it's like you're gonna make mistakes, you're gonna be messy, you're gonna be uncomfortable, you're gonna have to learn how to accept imperfection. And y you know, that's the biggest thing because imperfection is who we all are. And that might be triggering to some people. But we are all imperfect and we need to feel safe being imperfect. Perfectionism delays our growth because it's just not safe to grow. And this happens to so many people. There are so many amazing, brilliant, outstanding people who are never gonna live out their dreams fully, never reach their full potential because they're like, it has to be just perfect. And you know, we have sayings in you know, the coaching business cycle we're launching is like launch fast, launch dirty, launch messy. Because it's more about getting your message out there and and trying to tell people, hey, I'm here, I I have this skill, I've learned this skill, I'm here for you, I can teach you this, I could facilitate through this. It's not about I'm the perfect image of a coach, and we went through that phase, and you know, in social media and stuff where everybody wanted to be perfect and looked like they had a perfect life, but uh then, you know, as time went on, we realized how turned off people are by perfect coaches and perfect professionals, and and it looks gross. And and perfectionism actually was a big problem in the spiritual community, probably still is a problem, but it was really big when I entered it. And it's because a lot of times when we go to spirituality we have trauma and we're trying to heal ourselves. So we bring all this stuff with us. But if you wait until everything is perfect, you just never begin. Think about how many dreams have been postponed because someone believed they needed to know everything first or have better equipment or lose weight, that's the thing. I'm gonna be on video, I gotta lose weight. Or become more confident. You know how you get confidence? Just by showing up and allowing it to be messy. Perfectionism often sounds responsible, but underneath it's just fear. That's all perfectionism is fear. And it's like, I need to be more, I need to be enough, I need the perfect setup, the perfect everything before I can start. I love when the big coaches like Gary Vaynerchuk, I think is said his last name right, and you know, other ones that I followed, they show you their humble beginnings. And you know, they're they don't have the best video or anything, they just start it. And it's true, you know, we kind of all wish we could start out, you know, where somebody landed, you know, where everything looks perfect, but we really have to start out rough. And you want to like be able to do that and not worry how people see you. And if you really look at social media, especially after the pandemic, things have become less formal, and it's now more informal. You sometimes see people in their bonnet talking, and they've got thousands of followers and likes, and so it isn't about a look or image anymore, it's about being human, and as humans, we're imperfect, we don't do everything right, and that's okay. And that's really what all of this is about is to allow yourself to just show up. And so if you struggle with perfectionism, start exploring why, how did I get here? What happened in my younger years that told me that I had to be perfect or I wouldn't get l love, and and talk to a therapist about it, talk to a professional about it. You you know, so that you can set yourself free because you don't want to be on your deathbed one day and have regrets, and so many people do. And you don't want to go through that. You want to live now.

How Perfectionism Shows Up Daily

SPEAKER_00 18:13

So how perfectionism shows up. Many people don't even realize that they're perfectionists. It doesn't always look obvious. It could sound like I start next month. I'm not ready. I need another certification. I just need to tweak this one more time. Yeah, and we just keep on tweaking and tweaking, and it's never feels ready. What if people judge me? They will, and you'll survive. And and people judge for many reasons. They're judging because they're projecting their fears, their insecurities, they're mad that you had the courage to do something that they're not ready to do. People criticize for all sorts of crazy reasons, and you can't control that. I've had people say some weird stuff to me, and only I would ask them, where does this even come from? Why did you feel the need to say that? Explore that within yourself. Sometimes I respond. You know, I I think it's important to respond sometimes to the haters to say, look, you know, the old way was just to ignore them, and but that made them more powerful. Like I can say whatever, nobody's gonna question me or challenge me. But when you say something back, they kind of freeze, and it really stopped some of the hate, you know, you know, by me responding here and there. And you may also ask yourself, what if I fail? You might, we all do. You're gonna fail a hundred times before you get the one right time. I constantly have evolved in my work. I went from general coaching to relationships to overgiving, people pleasing, which I still do, to embodiment to trauma, to I've been all over and I put everything together in embodiment now, but it's okay to reinvent yourself as you're doing the work. A lot of coaches who are well known are doing that, and you know, if you're f afraid of being judged or failing, you will procrastinate and you will do a lot of overthinking. You burn yourself out, you know, and so overthinking, burn out, people pleasing, difficulty making decisions is all like rooted often in perfectionism and constant comparison. Do not compare yourself. You you can't because everybody's different, and you know, see people as motivation, not as competition or comparison. Never celebrating suc success because you've already focused on what could have been better. A lot of people do that. Perfectionist steals joy because nothing ever feels enough. And you have to ask yourself, when do I get to be enough? When do I get to be happy with my life and myself? When is it enough?

Healing Through Safety And Embodiment

SPEAKER_00 21:23

So healing perfectionism through the nervous system. Here's the beautiful part. If perfectionism is a learned so survival response, it can be unlearned. Healing doesn't happen by trying harder. It happens by helping your nervous system experience safety. Safety in making mistakes, safety in being seen. You know, I show up with my eye bags. I have a major allergies living where I live. I live in the city of trees. Safety in disappointing people. Safety in being imperfect. This is where embodiment becomes so powerful. Instead of asking, how do I become perfect? Which it'll never happen, where none of us are going to be perfect. No one's close. Okay. Ask, can I stay connected to myself when things aren't perfect? Practice noticing when your body becomes activated. Take a slow breath. Ground your feet. Notice your surroundings. That'll slow you down. Remind yourself I am safe even if I make mistakes. Yeah, there's no one to beat you up. And even if you have that parent that still makes negative comments, just tell them not today. Over time, your nervous system begins to believe it that you're safe even if you make mistakes. I'm gonna close this

Worthiness Beyond Performance

SPEAKER_00 22:58

out. This has always been a special topic to me because it liberated me from being so imperfect and so all over the place, and not being the perfect straight A student. It stopped me from hating my life, you know, when I was younger, because I'm like, gee, how come I couldn't have grown up in a perfect situation instead of worrying about survival and how to take care of my son? My son deserves so much better, and I could be perfect too if I had a different environment. I had no idea what the perfectionists, the people who are perfectionists went through. I understand it now. Now I can look back and I just go, I hope they're okay. I hope they're giving themselves love and grace. So I've been set free from understanding what perfectionism is. And hopefully people who are perfectionists will be set free that you don't have to do that to earn love. And in this day and age, we love imperfection. So I'd like to leave you with one thought. The goal isn't to stop caring, the goal is to stop believing your work depends on your performance. Your value has never been determined by how perfectly you speak, how productive you are, how flawless your work looks, or how many mistakes you've made. You were worthy before you achieved anything. You're worthy in the womb, actually. We were all worthy before we were even born. You were worthy before you achieved anything. And you're still worthy when things don't go according to plan. If you're an empath, a healer, a culture, or simply someone who spent years trying to earn love through achievement, which a lot of us empaths probably are perfectionists. I hope today's episode reminds you of something important. Your nervous system learned perfectionism for a reason. It was trying to protect you. You don't have to hate that part of yourself. You can thank it for helping you survive and gently teach it that survival is no longer the goal. Living is, being authentic is, being fully yourself is, because you cannot be authentic and perfect at the same time. And you know, when my son died, and I think people wanted me to grieve perfectly because I was into spirituality and a psychic, and I said, No, I'm gonna grieve as messy as I want. And so you cannot be authentic and perfect at the same time. And if I had to choose one, I would choose authenticity every single time because it's freedom. You get to just be yourself and you don't care who likes you, who don't. It's not your problem. So thank you so much for spending this time with me today. This is yes, I I hope it helped someone the way it helped me. So again, thank you for listening. Have a great day, and I see you in the next episode.