Stop Waiting to Be Rescued: Become a Match for Better Love

Waiting for the “right person” can feel harmless until you realize it has quietly turned your love life into a rescue mission. We get real about the fantasy that a partner will fix loneliness, boost confidence, create self-worth, or finally make life feel worth living. Wanting love is human, but needing someone to regulate your nervous system, heal your past, and supply meaning sets you up to tolerate inconsistency, ignore red flags, and stay far too long in relationships that drain you.

We talk about why attraction is not just fate or manifestation. Your emotional baseline shapes what feels exciting, familiar, or “like chemistry.” If you’re used to chasing, you may call anxiety a spark. If you’re used to earning affection, you may confuse proving yourself with connection. And when being chosen becomes the goal, you stop asking the most important questions: Do we share values? Can they communicate? Do I feel safe? Do I even like who I become around them?

Then we shift into a practical standard: build a life someone has to add to. We share ways to stop postponing your joy, raise your discernment, and do the relationship work before the relationship so healthy intimacy feels safe when it arrives. If this hits home, subscribe, share this with a friend who’s been waiting, and leave a review with the biggest takeaway you’re choosing to live by.

Transcript

Welcome And The Waiting Feeling

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, it's Dr. Donna and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Have you ever caught yourself thinking when I meet somebody I start traveling. When I find the right person, I'll finally feel happy. When I get into a relationship, I get out more. When somebody loves me, maybe I finally feel better about myself. Or maybe you don't consciously say those things. Maybe it's more subtle. Maybe there's this feeling that your real life hasn't started yet. You're working, you're paying bills, you're handling responsibilities, you're getting through the days, but somewhere inside you you're waiting. Waiting for someone to come into your life and make it more exciting. Waiting for someone to make you feel chosen. Waiting for someone to give you something to look forward to. Or waiting for someone to finally make you feel loved. And

When Relationships Become A Rescue Plan

SPEAKER_00 1:15

I want to talk about why that can become a very dangerous place emotionally. And remember, number one reason why people call psychics on any platform is about relationships. Either they're looking for one or they're trying to make one work, or you know, something about relationships. And a lot of times people won't let go of a bad one because then they won't have anyone. So they just take whatever comes their way. And they're letting the bad relationship get in the way of finding the right person. That happens often. You know, the phrase is don't let your current partner get in the way of your permanent partner, your spouse. You know, because it we speak to mostly women, but it's also men that do this too. Yes. Because the person who walks into your life is not necessarily going to pull you out of the life you created. It doesn't work that way. In many cases, you're going to choose someone who fits the emotional state that you are already living in. Remember, energies match, energy lines, like attracts like. So keep that in mind. And if you think about it, we don't want to see that because sometimes that's a mirror that we don't want to look at. But it's true. Because if we fully love, honor, and accept ourselves, we're not gonna let someone come in and turn our world upside down and not unlove us or not treat us well. We're gonna kick them out. Sometimes we get tested also to see what we really want, and if we're determined to wait for the right person, that happens also. But this is why I believe some of the most important relationship work happens when you are single, before the relationship, before the dating app, before the person shows up. Because instead of asking, when is somebody going to come into my life? Maybe the better question is who am I becoming before they get here? Again, who am I becoming before they get here? Because that matters big time. Because if you struggle with love, you won't recognize it or be able to accept it when it shows up. You want to start doing the work now. The work doesn't magically happen when someone shows up. I know there's these memes that says someone's gonna come into your life and love you, and everything's gonna be okay. That's bullshit unless you are willing to do the work. And I want to be honest. Remember, this is my open diary. I'm gonna tell the truth about everything. These are things that I want people to know that I've learned over 24 years of living and doing the work and and working with people. This is what I've learned, and I know we live in this fairy tale society, it's still there, the fairy tale. But it doesn't work that way, and this is how people get hurt, and sometimes this is how people end up as a story on the ID channel. So let's talk about how a relationship cannot become your rescue plan. And I want to say it is more than okay to want a relationship. Nothing wrong with that. It could be a beautiful thing, and we still learn, heal, and grow by being in a relationship, but you want to do the most intense part of the work before you get the partner so that you don't have to go through hell. That it's a way to prevent hell in a relationship is to do a lot of the work, it just is, and so you you know, relationships are beautiful. I think most cultures are based on marriage, and there's nothing wrong with that, but you just want to not see it as a rescue plan because a lot of times if you want to be rescued, you're gonna attract someone who wants to be rescued, and it's like, oh, what do we do? How do we get out of this? How do we elevate? And you both get stuck together. That happens a lot of times. I know we see these stories of oh, I met this person and they came into my life and I just believed in myself and everything because they were already doing the work. That's why somewhere there they were already doing the work. Trust me on that. So there's nothing wrong with wanting love. That's a beautiful thing. I want to make that very clear. Wanting companionship does not mean you're needy, not at all. Just means you want to give and receive love. Wanting somebody to share your life with does not mean you're incomplete. You are a whole complete soul, whether you're in a relationship or not. Human beings are wired for connection. We live longer when we have some type of connection, whether it's friendships, romantic relationships, family connections, we live longer. But there is a difference between wanting someone to share your life with and needing someone to create a life for you, and that's where the problem is. Those are two completely different energies. If you are lonely, disconnected from yourself, unhappy with your life, neglecting yourself, and waiting for someone to rescue you from all of that. If you're wanting someone to rescue you from all of that, you can become incredibly vulnerable to the wrong relationship. And I see this a lot, and it's hard to undo because you know it's hard to wait for the next person. You don't want to start over. Um, there's reasons for it, and so you you know, you get stuck and you stay and you hope that somehow the love will fix it. You don't want to do that to yourself because the wrong person can f up your life. I'm not gonna say ruin your life, harm your life, affect your life. They can seriously f up your life, and I have seen that because now you're not evaluating is this person emotionally healthy? Do we have similar values? Can this person communicate? Do I actually feel safe around them? You're not evaluating any of this. Do I even like who I am when I'm with the person? A lot of people just check out of all that. Instead, your nervous system may simply be saying, Finally, somebody wants me. And and this is what people need to understand. A lot of people are gonna want you, but are they healthy for you? That's the key. People think, oh, nobody wants me. No, several people will. Several people will crush and not even tell you. Because several people will show interest throughout your life. They will. Everybody has several options. I really do believe that. I'm not just saying that, I believe that. But are they right for you? And when being chosen becomes more important than choosing well, we can overlook a lot. Red flags becomes things we explain away. That happens a lot. I know they're a terrible person, but we have so much fun together when things are good. When things are good, that's the key. Things should be good most of the time when there's a tough moment. It shouldn't feel like a war or something bad's gonna come of that. Just means you gotta talk things out. Inconsistency becomes something to tolerate. Emotional unavailability becomes something we try to fix. And bread comes can start looking like a meal when we've been emotionally starving. That is why your life cannot be something another person is responsible for rescuing. Doesn't work that way. I know we see these couples who they have a farm together or business together, and you're thinking, Oh, if I have a partner, I could have those things, but sometimes one was already starting it before the other one came along. You don't want to wait for the person to show up and then we start everything. No, you have a dream, you be intentional about that dream, and then the right person can align to that dream if you want a romantic partner to also be like a partner in a farm or some type of business. You you know, don't get caught up in social media. Social media is not the real world, it isn't. People show you what they want you to see.

Familiar Attraction And Red Flags

SPEAKER_00 10:24

Your emotional state influences what feels attractive, and this is what people need to understand. People often talk about attracting the right person. But I want to take that beyond manifestation because there's also a psychological and nervous system component to attraction. We don't always choose what is healthiest. Sometimes we choose what feels familiar. If you're used to chasing love, somebody who makes you chase them can feel exciting. Yes. If you're accustomed to earning affection, you might be drawn to someone who makes you prove yourself. Oh yeah. If you grew up believing that your job was to take care of everybody else, you may repeatedly find people who need rescuing. It happens to women, it happens to men. Do not rescue anybody. Do not don't think you're gonna clean them up and everything's gonna be great. They resent you for cleaning them up and they move on to somebody else. If you're afraid of abandonment, inconsistency can actually create an incredibly powerful attachment. You're waiting for the text, waiting for them to call, waiting for them to choose you. And the emotional roller coaster can get confused with chemistry. A lot of people are caught up in this chemistry stuff. Chemistry is an illusion, and you don't need chemistry to connect with someone. I did a whole podcast, it searched my podcast on what chemistry is. You need something a lot deeper than chemistry, you know, to make a relationship work because eventually whatever chemistry you're feeling is going to die off, then what? So when I say work on yourself before the relationship, I'm not saying you need to become perfect because nobody is perfect, nowhere near being perfect. We are all imperfect, and that's a good thing. I'm saying become aware of your patterns. Know your patterns, they're not there because of a bad partner, they're there because of something deeper that has happened in life. Because once you can recognize your patterns, you don't have to keep calling them chemistry. The patterns are not chemistry and chemistry. What is that? The wrong person isn't going to bring you up, and they're not gonna elevate you. They're not, they're gonna make your life hell. Don't end up on the IT channel. You know, don't don't end up as a someone who's telling the story who the bleep did I marry. That you know, those women they didn't have they were blindsided in some of it, and some of them admit that they should have paid attention to the signs or you know, even the men, you know, because there are some men on that show too. So do the work to save you from the harder work later. Life is based on the work that we do in a lot of ways.

Chemistry Versus Nervous System Activation

SPEAKER_00 13:33

Here's another belief I want us to challenge. I just need somebody positive to come into my life. Maybe. But what if the person who shows up isn't positive? What if they're struggling too? Or what if they're positive out in the world but they're negative when no one's looking? There are a lot of people like that. What if they're emotionally unavailable? Some people just wear positivity as a mask. It isn't what they embody. What if they haven't worked through their own relationship patterns? What if they're looking for somebody to save them? You'd be surprised. Now you've got two people coming into a relationship saying, Please make me feel better. Please make me feel secure. Please heal what happened to me. Please prove I'm lovable. Please make my life exciting. Yep. This is an enormous amount of pressure to put on a relationship. A partner can support you, a partner can encourage you, a partner can celebrate you. A healthy relationship can absolutely contribute to your happiness. But another person cannot permanently regulate your nervous system for you. They can't. It's an inside job. They cannot create your self-worth. They can't, and they can't love that pain away. And some of us have had some great pains that have to be healed through doing the work, and maybe even with a therapist, but some type of work has to be done. They cannot give you boundaries, they cannot make you trust yourself. It doesn't work that way. This is inside stuff. They cannot build a meaningful life on your behalf. It doesn't work that way. And we've seen some power movie star couples, and when they break up, things just start collapsing for both of them. You know, it's hard to maintain success after that if you built it and you're two people who are looking to be safe and you build something powerful together, it collapses when the relationship falls apart. It's temporary. And if you are already struggling deeply when somebody enters your life, there's no guarantee they're going to lift you out of that struggle. They can't. Sometimes they join you there, and sometimes they make it worse. Yes. This is where I want to shift the conversation.

Build A Life Someone Adds To

SPEAKER_00 16:09

Build a life, someone has to add to. Build a life, someone has to add to. Be that powerhouse already. Instead of waiting for someone to give you a life, start creating a life that somebody has to add value to in order to remain in it. That is completely a different standard. Go to the restaurant, take care of yourself somewhere. Take yourself somewhere beautiful. Call your friends, take the class, start the business, go dancing, join the group, book the vacation if you can. Decorate your home. I've done my share of solo vacations. They're actually quite nice. You just join a tour group, you know. There's all sorts of tours that you can join if you want to be around people. It's not lonely when you do solo travel at all. Wear the clothes, take care of your body, learn something, create something, rest, laugh, build community. Find out what actually makes you happy. Don't save your entire life or some imaginary future partner. Because something very interesting happens when you genuinely begin enjoying your life. You become more discerning about who gets access to it because you've worked hard for it. You're no longer asking, will you choose me? You're asking, do I want to choose you? That is powerful. Let's talk about how loneliness can lower your standards because it does. This is something we don't talk about enough. Loneliness can affect discernment, and it really does. And I've seen it. When you have been lonely for a long time, attention can feel much more significant than it actually is. Someone texts you every morning and suddenly you're imagining a relationship. Someone tells you you're beautiful and suddenly you're emotionally invested. Someone gives you a little affection and you start building an entire future around their potential. Not because you're foolish, because you've been hungry for a connection. That's why learning to give yourself a meaningful life isn't about pretending you don't need people. It's about making sure loneliness is making isn't making your decisions for you. You do not want loneliness to make decisions for you. You want to say I want a connection and I can still have standards. I want love and I can still walk away from inconsistency. I want partnership. And I don't have to accept somebody simply because they showed up. Those things can coexist. Do the relationship work before the relationship. Trust me on this.

What Doing The Work Means

SPEAKER_00 19:02

So what does doing the work actually mean? It means looking at what you've tolerated in previous relationships. It means looking at where you've abandoned yourself. We all have done that. Where did you say yes when you wanted to say no? Where did you overgive? Where did you chase? Where did you rescue? Where did you ignore your intuition because you wanted the relationship to work? Where did you make somebody's potential more important than their actual behavior? Where did you accept inconsistency? And this isn't about beating yourself up over the past. No. It's about becoming conscious. Because awareness gives you options. Maybe you recognize I tend to become the caretaker. I tend to choose emotionally unavailable people. I become anxious when somebody pulls away. I lose myself in relationships. I stop doing the things I love. Yes, I make my the relationship my entire world. Don't do that. That awareness is incredibly valuable. Because now when you meet somebody new, you can recognize the moment the old pattern starts trying to come back. And you can save yourself. And and you don't want to fight and hope somebody approved that they love you. We need to stop thinking that love means that they're gonna treat you right. Love does not guarantee that. Yes, I hit her, yes, I abuse her. Stop getting caught up in the love thing because there's gotta be an action. Love is supposed to be a verb, not just a feeling. But when you want to be loved, you can overlook what it really is supposed to mean. Because let's talk about becoming the version of who you can recognize, how to have that healthy love. People spend a lot of time asking, How do I attract a healthy relationship? That's what they ask. They won't always like the answer when it's about doing the inner work. It's like, well, what's wrong with me? There is nothing wrong with me. Stop taking it as if I gotta work on myself, there's something wrong with me. That isn't what it means. We've all been through some stuff that our bodies, our nervous system has incorporated that has changed us and it's affecting what we're attracting, whether it's friendships, jobs, romantic relationships, whatever what we believe about ourselves. You're just doing you're just working on that. It doesn't mean something's wrong with you. We gotta let go of that. So the better question. Is would healthy love feel comfortable to you if it arrived? Think about that. If you're accustomed to chaos, consistency can initially feel boring. A lot of people who are looking for excitement is because they have an activated nervous system. And they're used to a little bit of chaos and the chase and all that stuff, and they want to be chased and they want to chase back. And a relationship isn't about fighting for you and chasing. It's not. It is about the boring stuff. If you're accustomed to chasing, somebody who communicates clearly may not create the same adrenaline rush. If you're used to emotionally unavailable people, somebody who actually wants intimacy may feel unfamiliar. It may feel uncomfortable. That doesn't mean you should force yourself to date someone you're not attracted to. That isn't what it's about. It means you need enough self-awareness to distinguish between chemistry and activation, between connection and obsession, between intuition and anxiety, between love and longing. The goal isn't simply attracting a better partner. The goal is becoming emotionally grounded enough to recognize one. That's what it is. Because you can meet a wonderful person and still sabotage the relationship if healthy intimacy doesn't feel safe to you. And I've seen that many times. People say, I want a wonderful partner. They get it and they're like, it doesn't feel right. And it's like it doesn't feel right because you still got to do the work. And that is why the work matters. Your life starts now. Today, this moment. Your life matters. Life is short. Life is not guaranteed to anyone. Did not did COVID not teach us that? Okay? Did COVID not teach us that? We hear all the time of young people dying, young people getting cancer. Your life starts now. No matter what age you are, you matter now. I want you to imagine something. Imagine that you knew you weren't going to meet your next partner for another year. Would you spend that entire year waiting? I hope not. What could happen in that year? You can have a million-dollar business and a lot of people do it in a year. You could have traveled the world in a year. You have worked towards a degree or certificate or something within a year. So do not wait. You could become stronger, you could heal something, you can make new friends, you could travel, you could change careers, you could start something you dreamed about for years. You can learn how to enjoy your own company. You could develop stronger boundaries, you could become more financially stable. You can reconnect with your body. You can learn that your nervous what your nervous system actually needs. You could become somebody who trusts yourself. And then imagine meeting somebody from that place. You're not asking them, please give me a life. You're saying I have a life. Would you like to build something beautiful alongside me? That's a very different relationship. That's a power relationship in a healthy way. Not the power couple facade, but a real powerful connection.

Embodiment Practice And Closing Truths

SPEAKER_00 25:38

A short embodiment practice. I want to give you something to practice. Put your feet on the floor if you can. Take a slow deep breath in and exhale. And again, breathe in. And then slowly breathe out. Now ask yourself, what have I been postponing until somebody comes into my life? Don't judge the answer. Just notice it. Maybe it's travel. Yeah. Maybe it's having fun. Maybe it's taking care of yourself. Maybe it's going out. Maybe it's making friends. Maybe it's changing something about your home. Maybe it's pursuing a dream. And now ask yourself, what is the one piece of that life I could begin giving myself now? Take another breath and remind yourself. My life is happening now. I don't have to wait to be chosen to start living. I can create safety within myself. I can learn to trust myself. I can create a life that feels good to me. And the person who comes into my life will need to add to that life, not become the entire reason for it. You don't want that because if they walk away, you're destroyed. And sometimes people just walk because they got their own stuff. You want to be whole for yourself. And so they are the icing on the cake, but not the cake. So I'm going to close this out. But this is a very important topic, like I say with every podcast, but this is really important because a lot of people feel like they can't be happy unless they have a partner. And some people will go from partner to partner, but that isn't always good because you could be repeating patterns if you go from partner to partner. The work has to be done. And a lot of times people are avoiding the pain of healing because there are some painful stuff that people went through. Who wants to sit there and feel that? But you have to feel it to heal it. So get it with a professional person, counselor, therapist, pastor, coach, someone who can help you. So that you're not doing it all on your own and just being triggered or in pain. But the work has to be done because it saves you from further awful things happening. It's power to heal. It is the ultimate way to become powerful in this world. People want to be unbothered, but the closest to being unbothered is healing or trauma. So I'm gonna close this out. Don't wait to become her or him. If you're single right now, this season of your life isn't necessarily the waiting room. It's not, it can be the preparation room. Not preparing in the sense that you need to make yourself worthy enough for somebody to love you. You're already worthy of love. I'm talking about preparing yourself to make different choices, to recognize healthy love, to walk away from unhealthy love sooner, to stop confusing being wanted with being valued, to stop choosing from loneliness, and to stop waiting for another human being to give you permission to create a beautiful life. Start becoming the person you thought a relationship was going to turn you into. If you thought a relationship would make you more adventurous, start having adventures now. There's many meetup groups, there's all sorts of groups that you can have adventures with. And you might even meet someone during that, you know, through that adventure group, maybe. If you thought a relationship would make you more confident, start building confidence now because you can end up with someone who will try to destroy you further, and then you have more work to do to build your confidence. If you thought a relationship would bring more joy into your life, start looking for joy now. There's still plenty of joy out there. If you thought somebody else was going to finally choose you, choose yourself. Well, puppies are great, but you know what I mean. Um, because when somebody comes into your life, you're not standing there saying, Please save me. You don't want to do that. You're standing there saying, This is the life I built. This is who I become. Let's see if we're capable of building something even better together. And that is a very different place from which to love. Very powerful. Like I tell people, you're gonna have to be super great to get with the great person because they've worked so hard to become who they become. They're not just gonna let it just anybody in because there's a fear of losing themselves. That's what I tell people. I don't want to lose myself. I will lose friendships, I will lose family members, I will lose a relationship, I lose everything except me. I will not lose me under no effing circumstances, and that's what you want to say to yourself. You do not want to compromise that. You will pay a price that you don't want to pay when you compromise who you are. So I want to thank you for listening. Have a great day, and I will see you in the next episode.