The Joyful Attorney
The Joyful Attorney
Episode 36: Authenticity
Why integrity matters - the strategy of ‘fake it till you make it’ will only get you so far in life - and you won’t be true to yourself.
Hello, Colleagues, whenever or wherever you are. Welcome to the Joyful Attorney podcast. I’m your host, Professional Certified Coach and Practicing Attorney, Laura Kelley.
Today, I’d like to talk about authenticity and integrity. I’ve done a podcast on integrity before, and I’ll link it in the show notes, but I hope today’s podcast adds a different flavor or dimension to our understanding of what it means to be “real.”
An alternative title could be “what we learn about ourselves and others from online dating.”
Colleagues…much…much can be learned from online dating.
And as you have no doubt surmised from my interest in this subject, I, myself, have entered the world of online dating.
I know that some people see online dating as a low effort way of meeting a potential mate, but I think it’s a wonderful way to cast a large net. And it seems these days that a large net is exactly what is needed. And in these large nets, you’re bound to find some catfish.
The key take away today is why it ultimately does not benefit us to pretend to be someone we are not.
I don’t think anyone wants to be viewed as fake. Perhaps what we want is to be enhanced. A better version of ourselves. But how much enhancement does it take for us to veer away from our true selves and into inauthenticity, a lack of integrity…and fakerdom. Catfish territory.
Catfish is a term that comes from an MTV reality tv show about people in online dating relationships with people who were not who they said they were. That’s still the common definition. However, I’ve seen people accuse others of “catfishing” for using too much filter, using old photos, or extremely flattering angles. I don’t even think we need a term for it. If we’ve spent any time on instagram, we know that some people do not look like they appear on apps. And if we’ve spent any time in the real world, we know some people are not who they say they are.
By the way, catfish have gotten a bit of a raw deal out of this. It’s not as if they have been deliberately masquerading as another kind of fish in a deceitful manner. Instead they were used in days of yore to keep cod active during transportation. It’s a long story which I’ll let you Google.
We also know for a fact that unrealistic imagery on social media is very damaging to children, particularly girls. But I think all this fakery is damaging to all of us. It’s damaging to fake and to be faked.
Now, I would ask you, are you who you say you are? Are you authentic? Do you have integrity with yourself and others? How may it negatively affect you to show up as less than who you are?
In dating, we are marketing ourselves. We do this when we are applying for a job or trying to get a new client as well. We even do this in court. We want to put the best version of ourselves forward. We want to make a good impression.
But what happens when we aren’t authentic and forthright about who we are?
Have you ever ordered something from Wish.com? Or maybe you’ve seen the memes with the wish.com versions of what you ordered?
Basically, you think you are buying a beautiful, elegant dress to receive something vaguely resembling clothes from an unbranded factory in China. Even though you may have only spent $8 on the item (hey, you thought you were getting a deal), but you are…disappointed. Very disappointed.
And in dating, I think we get into trouble as soon as the mask slips. We can only fake for so long.
I never want people to be disappointed by the real me. I have taken a radical approach to honesty by being as much me as I possibly can. I do this in every part of my life.
In dating, I make sure my dating profile states exactly who I am and what I do not want. I say specifically that I am an outspoken, opinionated, feminist. I even include sweaty, no makeup selfies. Maybe that’s too far.
More importantly, I want to find someone who is interested in the real me, not a version of me I can only fake for so long. Fake is unsustainable. Fake is two dimensional.
Let me illustrate this with an experience I recently had. First, some background. I am an ex-smoker. No one hates smoking as much as an ex-smoker. Trust me on this. I swipe left immediately on any profiles of someone who smokes. It’s a dealbreaker.
So, I was talking to a gentleman caller from a dating app. We progressed to telephone calls. I could tell he was outside and breathing much like one would if they were puffing on an object. Was it a cigarette? Was it a vape? Was it a corn husk pipe? I did not know. I asked what he was doing. And he said, “breathing.” Ok, fair enough. It’s not an interrogation. But then we met up and I could smell the faintest smell of smoke. But I was uncertain. Perhaps it could have come from someone nearby? I certainly didn’t want to make accusations. Things progressed and it became all the more obvious that he was indeed a smoker. I went back and checked his profile only to find that whether or not he smoked was not listed.
I thought, “huh. This is a person who recognizes that smoking is something that will definitely a dealbreaker for some women and yet he failed to include this important information about himself. How did he expect that it would go?”
Perhaps he could keep up the charade for long enough that she would develop feelings and not care that 1) smoking was a dealbreaker and 2) that he had been deceitful about it.
I mean, if a man is willing to hide the fact that he smokes, what else is he willing to hide or lie about?
And so let’s think about this in life, in work, in everything.
What do we lose when we show up without authenticity? We lose our integrity. People can sense it. Most of us have a sixth sense for fakers. Granted, there are some great con artists, but most of us have not mastered that art. Inauthenticity stifles connection. It prevents us from developing professional and personal relationships. It keeps us stuck.
We have to allow people to see us for who we are.
I could pretend to be the perfect attorney, the perfect mom, the perfect coach. But who wants to be coached by someone who is perfect? Who has never struggled? I find that my clients value that I speak not from on high, but rather from experience.
I’ve been in the gutter of burnout and overwhelm. I know there is a way out.
I absolutely love to shatter peoples expectations of me.
But I know I’m not for everyone. And I don’t have to be. And neither do you.
I’m not saying let’s not try to be the best versions of ourselves. I believe self-improvement is a worthy endeavor. But it’s improvement and enhancement, not a personality transplant. It’s about developing resilience, not becoming a robot.
Be you. You are worthy. You are good enough. You don’t have to fake it.
If you would like to work with me, one-on-one, sign up for a free mini session on my website. www.thejoyfulattorney.com Let’s show up as ourselves and see if we’re a good fit.
Until next time. Happy Holidays. Stay joyful.