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[BONUS EPISODE] Mom On Purpose Book Club: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

• Lara Johnson

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In this episode of the Mom on Purpose book club, we're going to dive into the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

I think so much of us as Christian women, as mothers, we can find and see ourselves a lot in this definition she lists as being a codependent or struggling with codependency.

So, listen in as we recognize and overcome the traits of codependency, focusing on how caretaking and low self-esteem play significant roles.

We also address the emotional journey of detaching from adult children, the importance of setting boundaries, and fostering independence. Through this book, I share strategies for mothers transitioning from being deeply involved in their children's lives to allowing them more independence.

Reclaim your self-worth and emotional healing, as we discuss the effects of self-criticism and the path to self-acceptance.

What you'll learn:

  • How codependency can manifest even in the absence of substance abuse
  • How to step out of the drama triangle and foster healthier interactions
  • Strategies for mothers to transition from controlling to guiding as their children grow more independent
  • Shifting focus from fixing others to managing one's own emotions
  • Signs of being codependent based on the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

Featured on the Show: 

Click HERE to watch this video to learn The 3 Things to Avoid When Reading Self-Help Books

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Welcome to the Mom On Purpose podcast. I'm Lara Johnson and I'm here to teach you how to get out of your funk, be in a better mood, play more with your kids, manage your home better, get your to-do list done and live your life on purpose. With my proven method, this is possible for you, and I'll show you how. You're not alone anymore. We're in this together.

Welcome to the Mom On Purpose podcast we are doing I don't know if I'd call it a fun book, but a very good book for every single one of us is called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, and as I was looking through this, it was a book that was on my radar for quite a while. 

It was probably in my Amazon cart for about a year, and I felt like it finally was time for me to read it. And because I get to pick the book sometimes, you all get to read it along with me. But what I was surprised as I started into it was that this book is very well known. It's very popular. We've got a book club member. She was saying that she's been on the wait list for it for months and months and now still weeks at her library, so it's one that is still growing in popularity, which I was surprised about because I didn't know. So, on the back of the book, as I was reading about it, it mentioned back in 2009.

This book was listed as one of the four most essential self-help books of all time. It's a huge. That's a huge feat, and so, as I delve into it, I am glad that we are doing it for Book Club, because I think so much of us as Christian women, as mothers, we can find and see ourselves a lot in this definition she lists as being a codependent or struggling with codependency. Now, the other thing I'll say about this book is the way she presents it is from the perspective of being a codependent on somebody that is dependent on a substance like alcohol. So, when you're reading the book, she does talk a lot about alcoholism. Now, that's not something that I personally have experienced in my own life, but I am sure that there are many people listening to the podcast that can relate to that, whether that be a family member, a parent, a spouse, a really good friend, and being able to see the effects of alcoholism or some other substance abuse. So, when you're reading the book, just know that you can take that into mind, that that can help in those areas if that's something that you struggle with. But if you don't struggle with, know that there are lots of other ways that we can become codependent. 

So, as I was reading this, I kind of had individuals that I was learning about, I feel like in my own personal life. But what I found was that I fit the definition of being a codependent in certain areas and I was surprised about that. I was kind of taken back because that, I think, was the reason why I never really felt the draw to it, like I'm a pretty independent type of person. When I dove into this and really started allowing myself to consider this for me and my life, I did fall into a lot of these signs and symptoms and categories of being a codependent person. So that's where I would say that, as you're reading the book, put yourself into that position of how does this apply to me? Because I think so many of us go into it thinking about other people. The other thing that I'll say as we're reading this, she as an author talks about herself as a codependent. So the language that she uses is us as codependents or we do this, and at first I was kind of bothered by that because, again, I didn't go into it thinking I was codependent, but it kind of normalized that a lot of us, in the way that we think and the way that we show up, have accidentally become codependent. It's not like we mean to, it's not like it's this horrible thing, but even as the way she talks about those that believe in God and some Christian thinking can kind of, if we're not looking at it from the correct lens, it can kind of breed codependency, which I thought was so fascinating. So, all of that to say is, as we're diving into this book, I hope you find a lot of really great resources and information to help improve your life, whether or not you are the codependent or you know other people that are codependent. This book really allows us to dive into and find some solutions for that. 

So now let's go into the actual book. She has broken it down into two sections, and the two sections is what is codependency and who's got it, and then the second is the basics of self-care. So, you can kind of think about it as first she presents the sickness and then she presents the antidote, and when we're looking at what this antidote is, that's what she defines as the basics of self-care. She has a lot of really different ways of looking at self-care as part of this antidote. So, we're going to spend the majority of the time just like she spends the majority of the book talking about the antidote. But we do want to first understand and define what this sickness, if you will, is. 

So again, when she first presents codependency, she talks about a codependent is anybody that is dependent on somebody that has some kind of dependency. Okay, so let's say this person over here has some kind of dependency on something outside of them, some kind of substance. She talks about workaholics, whatever that thing is over here. Now, a codependent is someone that is so entangled with this other person with the dependency issue. This would be the codependent individual. She said there really was no clear definition about codependency up until about 1979. So, before that, codependents were still feeling the negative effects of codependency without ever understanding what it is. She said even now, as we start talking more about it, this is not a diagnosable thing. This is not listed in the DSM-5, which is the Bible for all diagnoses. But there are lots of things that we can still struggle with before they're listed in the DSM-5. And, as you know, dealing with neurodivergency. In my own house we experience that a lot. So even though it's not listed, that doesn't mean it doesn't exist and that people aren't feeling the effects of it. 

So, when we go into the actual book, she presents a couple stories as a way to describe what a codependent is. So, a couple people here's just a couple definitions that are presented. This is somebody self-identifying, this woman says it means I'm always looking for someone to glob onto this over-involvement. It means that I am a caretaker, which means overly involved in taking care of someone else, even though the things you're caring for aren't your responsibility, and we'll talk more about that. 

Somebody by the name of Ernie Larson, a codependency specialist and pioneer in the field, defines codependency as those self-defeating learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate or to participate in loving relationships. So again, if this person feeling that codependency, there are learned behaviors or character defects that allow them to not participate in a loving relationship because they're enmeshed or entangled in the person that has the dependency. So that's kind of the high overview of people within the industry and it's still very widely debated what the exact definition is. So, the more that people are researching it, the more clear of a definition that's starting to emerge in the industry, and it says some of the other like common denominators of somebody that is codependent is they'll miss, like some of these problems. They don't have discussions about these problems, they aren't direct or honest with themselves, they're not living realistically. It's almost like they're lying to themselves about the problem that actually exists. So, then she goes on to list her exact definition. So here is her definition. That was kind of the industry. Here's what she says A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her and is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior. 

The other person might be a child, an adult, a lover, a spouse, a brother, a sister, a grandparent, a parent, a client or even a best friend. So, this person, she goes on to say, “but the heart of the definition of recovery lies not in the other person, it lies within ourselves is not in the other person, it lies within ourselves. So oftentimes, when we talk about someone that is codependent, we want and need the sick people in our lives that are showing up in unhealthy ways. We need them to get better in order for us to feel better. So then what starts to happen is the codependent individual. They start to victimize themselves in this process because they are always waiting on the other person to feel better. So that's kind of a lot. 

I think the thing that I want to focus on the most in this section is that most codependent people are not getting their needs met in a way that they need their needs met and they are so busy solving someone else's problems that they don't have any energy or time to care for themselves. Now the thing I thought was most interesting. So, she gives us a list of all the different characteristics. The first is caretaking, low self-esteem, repression, obsession, controlling denial, dependency, poor communication, weak boundaries, lack of trust, anger, sex problems, miscellaneous and progressive Meaning like as you progress. These are the signs that will get worse as you become more codependent. So that's a lot. So, if you were to do anything in this book wondering whether or not you fit the bill for codependent, you can turn to page 41 and read the next few pages to see where you fit. 

The section I wanted to focus on the most was the caretaking and the low self-esteem. So, as I read this list, I want you just to stop and think for yourself where you might fit the bill for this. This first one, caretaking this is what I was saying is sometimes, as a Christian woman and as a mother, we can accidentally become codependent or enmeshed in the behaviors of our loved ones, and we do it thinking that we're serving others, we're loving them, we're having compassion and empathy and being like our Savior, Jesus Christ. We accidentally become enmeshed and want to control their experience, subconsciously. Okay, so I want you just to think about that as we dive into this caretaking. 

So, in these characteristics, codependence may think and feel responsible for other people, for other people's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being and ultimate destiny. So, an example of where this might show up is if we feel ultimately responsible for our loved ones getting to heaven and if we don't do all that we need to and they disqualify themselves from heaven, that that's our fault. That would be an example of how we feel responsible for other people Feeling anxiety, pity and guilt. When other people have a problem, feel compelled, almost forced, to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions or fixing feelings. How often have we all done that with our children? Just because we love them. We cross that line and become enmeshed and start giving that unwanted advice. 

We feel angry when their help isn't effective. This is like the codependent they feel angry if their help isn't effective. This is like the codependent they feel angry if their help isn't effective. We anticipate other people's needs. We wonder why others don't do the same for us. 

As codependents, they find themselves saying yes when they mean to say no, doing things they don't really want to do, doing more than their fair share of the work and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves. This is something that shows up in my coaching all of the time. When we say yes when we want to say no, that is an example of being a codependent, not knowing what they want or need of. If they do tell themselves that what they want or need is not important this is also a big one that shows up in my coaching a lot where there is something that they feel called to do, but because so much of their family has a lot of needs, then they will say a lot of moms will say what they want or what they need isn't that important and they'll put other people ahead of them first. They try to please others instead of themselves. They find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others rather than injustices done to themselves. Gosh, I wish that was such a big one also for moms. 

They feel safest when giving. They feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives it to them. So, when somebody outside of maybe your family, even if they start to give to you and you feel guilty that is a characteristic of codependency you feel sad because they spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives back to them. They find themselves attracted to needy people. They find needy people attracted to them. They feel bored, empty and worthless if they don't have a crisis in their lives, a problem to solve or someone to help. That's like a really big one also, and we'll talk about things like habits or addiction to crisis or solving problems. 

This next one is very big. They abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else. How many times have you given up on something that you need to get done or you want to get done because there is an issue your husband needs help with, or your children forgot something? So, you will abandon what you are trying to do in order to help save them from their problems. Just a couple more. They overcommit themselves. Ding, ding, ding, that's another big one. 

They feel hurried or pressured. They believe deep inside other people are somehow responsible for them. They blame others for the spot the codependents are in. So, you get angry. That and this is where I've probably been the most guilty is I get angry that I have to be there for my children all the time because my husband works a lot and so I blame that situation instead of speaking up for my own personal needs. 

We say other people make the codependence feel the way they do, again placing the blame on someone else. They believe other people are making them crazy. They feel angry, victimized, unappreciated and used. So, if you've ever experienced that feeling of unappreciated or used or resentful or angry, that feeling of unappreciated or used or resentful or angry, that's a sign of codependency. You find other people become impatient or angry with them for all the preceding characteristics. So, if you've ever had someone else in your life get frustrated because you're being the victim or anything like that, it's another sign. 

So, there's just a couple I wanted to point out in the low self-worth, because these are ones that I see that come up quite a bit. They pick on themselves for the way they think, the way they feel, look, act and behave. They get very defensive or self-righteous when other people blame or criticize them. They reject compliments or praise, or they get depressed if they don't have compliments or praise. They feel different from the rest of the world and they don't feel like they're quite enough. They fear rejection and they take things very personally. They expect themselves to do everything perfectly and they have a lot of shoulds. Does that sound like a lot of you out there? They feel a lot of guilt. They're ashamed about the wants or the needs that they have. They try to help other people live their lives instead of focusing on their own life and the problems there. They get artificial feelings of self-worth by helping others. They wish other people would like and love them and they try to prove that they're good enough for other people by continually helping them. There is just a couple more. 

When it talks about codependence, they tend to feel unable to quit thinking and worrying about other people. Again, they give up their routine to help other people. They think that they know how things will work out in the best way, so they will try to advise, give or coerce or manipulate I feel like that has such a negative connotation to it, but often it's just in the way that we're trying to help can be a form of manipulation so that something works better for someone else because we know best. That's a form of codependency. Another is we stay so busy thinking, so we don't have to think about all the problems. We think things will always be better tomorrow. They overeat, spend money compulsively and they wonder why they're going crazy. So, all of these are signs, like I mentioned, signs and symptoms of an overall sickness that exists when it comes to being a codependent Like that's. 

The biggest thing is, codependents appear to be dependent on where they appear to be very dependable to the people in their lives, but in reality they are addicted to the problems of someone else's life, and that can be so subtle and we is so easy for us to not realize that that's happening, because it becomes such a habit to serve and to give that that's where we're getting our self-worth from. That's a problem, okay. So really take that for yourself and just kind of chew on it for a minute as we start thinking about the basics of self-care, because, again, this is the antidote to codependency. Now she lists probably 12 or 13 sections when it comes to self-care, the basics of self-care. We are going to outline what each of these are and it will take a minute to get through this section. But as we're going through a section, if it doesn't resonate with you, that's okay. 

The basics of self-care are things that tools in a toolbox, if you will, that you can pull out and use based on your specific situation. That doesn't mean all of these will apply to you. It doesn't mean you have to take all of these and make them apply to you. Find just one or two that really stand out to you and focus on those first when you're thinking about self-care and any codependency tendencies that you might have. So, the first one that she talks about is detachment. In order for us to be codependent, no more we have to practice detachment. So, I love just the very beginning. So, in the book she talks about AAnon. So, there's Alcoholics Anonymous AA. AAnon is for the family members of alcoholics and it's a support group that's all across the nation. I'm sure it's all across the world, but I love this beginning quote from an AAnon member. 

It says detachment is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement. So, remember that line that we had connected, where we become so enmeshed in the problem. So, attachment can look like. In order to understand how we detach, we need to first understand what attachment is like, and that means attachment is becoming overly involved, sometimes hopelessly entangled. So, what does that look like in a real life, daily basis? 

It says we become excessively worried about and preoccupied with a problem or person, like our mental energy is always there. From there we can start becoming obsessed with and trying to fix the people and the problems in that environment. So, we start becoming really reactionary to it. In order for us to start feeling better, we want to make sure it gets solved. Then we become emotionally dependent on those people around us. We are very invested in their well-being before we can be okay in our well-being. So, then we may become caretakers, which we'll define later as rescuers and enablers to the people around us. 

Our over-involvement of any sort can keep us in a state of chaos. It overworks us and underworks them. Worrying about people and problems doesn't help. It doesn't solve problems; it doesn't help other people, and it doesn't help us. It actually becomes wasted energy. And what I really like that she says in this section of the book is that there is a better way to help other people, because worrying and controlling is actually an illusion. We have no control over whoever is here with some kind of dependency. The only thing that we can do is control and take responsibility for ourselves. So, the very best thing that we can do is to detach. 

Now, a lot of times people look at detachment as a very negative thing. But what I love that she says is detachment is releasing a person or problem in love. So, when we're looking at this, we're just going to say, in love, where we start to break that line, but that doesn't mean we don't care, or we leave. We just make sure we're not entangled in those problems and we're holding that boundary in love. So, she goes on to give us just a little bit about how to do this. She says detachment is an act and an art. It is a way of life. It is also a gift and it's given to those who seek it. 

So when should we actually detach? She says when we can't stop thinking about, talking about or worrying about someone or something else, when our emotions are churning and boiling, when we feel like we have to do something about someone because we can't stand it another minute, when we're hanging on by a thread and it feels like that thread is starting to fray, and when we believe that we can no longer live with the problem, that's when it's time to detach. You need to detach most when it seems like the least likely possible thing to do. That's a big thing. It will become very hard, and we'll keep talking about this process as we go. But that's what I want you just to hold in your mind is that detaching means you separate that from like out of pure love. Like out of pure love, that you separate yourself and allow this person to deal with the effects of their life without you stepping in trying to fix it. So, the next section. So that was detachment. The next section is don't be blown about by every wind. So, she said during this time for herself. She realized that she was a very reactionary person. Sometimes she overreacted. Sometimes it was like under the surface, where she becomes very hidden panic. Sometimes she was in total denial and pretended not to see any of it. 

Ansi says guess I'm learning how to detach from my adult daughter. Yes, and I will say Ansi, I think this is such a wonderful point is that I think there are big transitions as moms where we have to learn how to detach to a different degree, where I can see it in my toddler, where I was so accustomed to carrying him around and I'm having to detach and allow him to fall down and pick himself up and learn how to walk. But I feel like I'm now coming to that similar detachment with my oldest, who's becoming a teenager and learning how to detach and expect him to step up to the plate on some of these things and not become so entangled and trying to fix those things. And we'll talk more about that as we go. But I've seen so many of my clients now transition into adult children, going through that same detachment process and that's where you know. 

When she talks about just alcoholics in the book, I feel like if you only go in with that mindset, you lose some really critical skills that we can take as moms. When we look at just some of like being a codependent, as being a mom to children, I feel like they're dependent on us until they're not, and then we have to figure out how to detach from them. So, when she talks about don't be blown about by every wind. She says it's really important for us to recognize the feelings that we have, like the emotions when we're starting to be controlled by everyone else or something like within our environment. She says when we react to things in our environment, we forfeit our personal, God-given power to think, feel and behave in our best interest. And I think, as a mom, that can be very challenging because for most of our lives we have kept other people's best interests ahead of our own. When we're focusing on being reactionary and not having every wind that comes about blow us off course, this is an example of having to remove ourselves from that codependency. 

The other thing that she talks a lot about in this chapter is many of us will feel a crisis, and that's okay. Many of us will feel big emotions, but the biggest thing when you're thinking about codependency is living in the extremes. Okay, of course we're going to think about our children and their best interest, but the extreme is if we're only thinking about our children and their best interest. That's one of those extremes, that's one of those symptoms of codependency. So, she goes on to say we react because we're anxious and afraid of what has happened, what might happen and what is happening. Many of us react as though everything is a crisis, because we have lived with so many crises for so long that crisis reaction has become a habit. So again, that's like living in these extremes we know we've crossed over into codependency is if everything feels urgent. Everything feels like a crisis when you're trying to get your kid out to school and it feels like the end of the world if you're going to be late. That is an example of one of those extremes where you are being blown about by every wind as we're going through these. 

She says it's really important for us to not get swept up by every one of these reactions. She said you have to learn and understand when you're starting to react so that you can separate yourself. You have to make sure that you're getting very comfortable in the midst of a chaotic reaction. Say or do as little as possible, remove yourself from the situation, even taking time to examine what has happened. And is it easier for you to be reactionary than it is to solve the problem? Now, I find this a lot with a lot of my mom clients, where they are trying to get out the door and every single time, they say well, they won't get their shoes on until I yell at them. Very common scenario. We've all been in it. 

Now, when we're looking at codependency, we want our children to behave in a certain way so that we can feel better, but what happens is reactionary. We think it's being effective when in reality it's not. It's causing more problems in the long term. It's causing more problems in the long term. So, when we're looking at not being codependent, it's stepping back and recognizing how do we solve this problem and take responsibility for ourselves and the way we're contributing to it so that we can produce a different result for ourselves. Okay, ultimately, our kids may still not get their shoes on, but how do you want to show up and take responsibility for that? So that leads us into our next one, where she talks about setting ourselves free. 

I just love the first sentence of this. People say codependents are controllers. I would agree with that. But codependents aren't just the people that make things happen, they're the ones that will force things to happen. And I kind of joke with my kids sometimes I'm like, oh, do you want me to go? Mama, bear them. Actually, I call it something different. I'll always ask my kids, because they'll get mad about something and you know, kind of jokingly, I'll be like oh, you want me to go Karen on them? Oh, I'll go Karen on them, you know. And they're like mom. But that is like that codependency, like tendency. Now I joke about it in that way. 

But there are times where, when we're trying to force things to happen and we don't realize we're doing it okay, when we believe that we're right and someone else is wrong and we have to get them and we have to force them to think the same way that we do, so then we start to like stop in and we start controlling things. Now this becomes very problematic when someone is having a natural reaction to life. They are feeling pain because of choices they've made, and we are not stepping in with love, we are stepping in, controlling, trying to fix their pain. So, they said sometimes this can come across very dominating, like they're powerful, they know best the way they see it is the right way. He said others do their dirty work, undercover. They hide behind the costume of sweetness and niceties and secretly go about their business, other people's business. Now this is the most important part is they make other people do what they want them to do. So, again, this isn't happening in love. It's happening because they feel like they are right and someone else is wrong. 

Now I will tell you that I am right most of the time. Now I will tell you that I am right most of the time. But as I'm reading this, I realized that that's not the case. Not everybody has to load the dishwasher the way that I load the dishwasher right, there's nothing wrong with that. But I feel like, again, when I'm reading through this, I want to take and see how can I grow from this. Through this, I want to take and see how can I grow from this. 

And I realized, every single one of us, when we start thinking like that, like we are right and someone else is wrong, that is a symptom of codependency, because then, in order to get that person to do what we need them to do, we start to control. And control, like it mentioned, can be very hidden under a costume of niceties. So, she goes on to say that when we're attempting to control people, especially on things that we have no business controlling, we're actually the ones being controlled. We start to lose ourselves and we also start to lose us living our own lives. And this is a quote from her. 

She says my controlling blocks God's power. It blocks other people's ability to grow. It stops events from happening naturally. It prevents me from enjoying people and events. Control is an illusion. It doesn't work. We cannot and have no business trying to control anyone's emotions, minds or choices. We cannot control the outcome of events. We cannot control life. Some of us can barely control ourselves. The only person you can now or ever change is yourself. The only person that is your business to control is yourself. And I think that was such a powerful way that she presents that. Because when we, especially when we're looking at a partner, a spouse you know any kind of relationships if we are trying to control that or fix it, we've already become entangled again in their lives and we stop controlling ourselves and taking responsibility for our own life. 

Okay, so the next few sections I'm not going to write them out because there's so much goodness and I want to get through it in our last little bit that we have. So, this next section she talks about the Cartman drama triangle. So, the drama triangle you'll hear this a lot in therapy, therapy, self-help type worlds, where it talks about being a rescuer, being a victim and then being a persecutor. Now, codependents will always be a caretaker or a rescuer. They will come in and rescue someone, then become a persecutor, which means they start getting angry and resentful. Then they become a victim of that other person. So, when we're looking at this and this goes back to the list that I read through of being a caretaker, she says we rescue people from their responsibility. We start enabling them as like a form of destructive helping, and we want to do this oftentimes under the name of being saintly, of being like God and helping other people. We like to feel needed. We need to feel needed. That's a sign of codependency. 

But the difference here is caretaking looks like a much friendlier act than it is. It requires someone else to be taken care of. We then go and rescue that person because we believe they're not capable of being responsible for themselves. The victims actually are capable of taking care of themselves, even if neither party wants to admit it. But what then happens is, once we start caretaking, we start becoming resentful and angry at the person that we so generously quote unquote help that we went in and rescued, that. We then turn to feelings of helplessness, hurt, sorrow, shame and self-pity, which then we become the victim to this whole scenario and then we start reveling in that victimization. I'm like why is nobody helping me? Why is nobody stepping up to the plate? When we created this, we've stepped into this drama triangle. So, this again is a sign of codependency, and I really like that. 

She gives us that permission to remove ourselves from being the victim. We have to step outside of that. So anytime you find that in your caretaking you get angry or resentful, you've already entered into codependency. So, in order to step outside of this, we have to stop caretaking and rescuing others and allow other people to start doing things for themselves, no matter how hard it is to watch them go through that. So, she said the next thing is undependence instead of independence. Undependence is when we step outside, and we let someone else experience the pain of natural life. Then we're able to take and give ourselves responsibility to only care for ourselves. 

She goes on to say that no human being could ever be there in the way we need them to be. We become so absorbed and we need somebody else to complete us and to make us feel safe. That's an example of codependency. But nobody will ever be able to meet that full need. So, we have to step back, we have to “undependence” ourselves like, be able to remove ourselves from that and allow ourselves to start creating a healthy balance of meeting our own needs and participating in healthy relationships. 

So, the next section that she presents to us is live your own life. Again, this comes back to here. When we live our own lives, we're no longer entangled or enmeshed in other people's problems, but we start taking care of ourselves. She says self-care is an attitude toward ourselves and our lives that says I am responsible for myself, I am responsible for leading my life, I am responsible for tending to my spiritual, emotional, physical and financial well-being. I am responsible for identifying and meeting my needs. So then, when we really start to take that responsibility, we also start valuing our needs and valuing our wants and being able to speak up for those things without having to get involved in someone else's needs. 

So, she said, anytime we get to this spot where we're wanting to come in and rescue and we're wanting to be angry, when we're wanting to be the victim, we can step back and ask ourselves what do I need to do to take care of myself? She said, oftentimes, if we think that God has abandoned us, most likely we have already abandoned ourselves. So, I really appreciate that she said that, because I think so many of us have experienced that in our own lives, where we think God is not there when in reality, we're not even taking care of ourselves and our needs and wants. We're not even acknowledging what those are because we're so busy with other people's needs and wants and putting those above ours. She goes on to say have a love affair with yourself, and I love that. She quotes scripture in these. She says love thy neighbor as thyself. 

The problem with many codependents is that we do just that. What's worse, many of us wouldn't dream of loving or treating other people the way we treat ourselves. We wouldn't dare and others probably wouldn't let us. We get to a point where we don't merely dislike ourselves, we actually hate ourselves and we think that we're not important, our feelings are wrong and what we think doesn't matter. So at this point this is I think it's so important for us to see that when we're constantly putting ourselves in these impossible situations, there's nothing left to do except feel badly about ourselves, when we think we're going to feel better once everybody else fixes and changes the way they're living in their life and that's when we get to feel good. We will never feel good about ourselves and that's where we start becoming very hard and have low self-esteem. We start shaming ourselves for not feeling good. 

She goes on to say that much of the defensiveness I've seen in codependence comes not because we think we're above criticism, but because we have so little self-worth that any perceived attack threatens to annihilate us. We feel so bad about ourselves that we have such a need to be perfect and avoid shame that we cannot allow anyone to tell us something we've done wrong. Now I think this is so important for every single one of us to realize is there's very few women that I coach and probably that you're listening to this podcast where you'll come right out and say like, oh, I hate myself. That doesn't really exist. We know the right answer, logically, we know we should love ourselves. But if there is such an intense need to be perfect, if there is such a desire to avoid rejection that you won't even like put yourself out there in a little bit, know that there is something underneath that you are not comfortable about with yourself. So that's where she begins to say the whole process is learning to have a love affair with yourself. There is a quote she says it's from Nathaniel Braden in a book written on self-esteem called Honoring the Self. It says of all judgments that we pass in life, none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves, for that judgment touches the very center of our existence. I think that's such a beautiful quote for every single one of us. 

So, she goes on to say learning the art of acceptance, of acceptance. Now, when she talks about acceptance, she is very clear that acceptance is not adaption, meaning you don't adapt to the situation if you don't like it. There are so many situations in our life that we don't want to accept because we don't like. Now that's not to say like we're talking ourselves in, we're having this like magical, thinking that everything is hunky-dory and that's how we accept. There's actually a much different process that we go through, but when we bring acceptance to our lives, acceptance actually brings peace, she says. 

For so many of us that are codependents, one of the biggest, most painful losses we'll ever experience is the loss of our dreams, the loss of our own expectations for the future that we want to have, and when that starts to happen, we start to lose respect and trust in the people that we love. Well, and then she goes on to say love cannot exist without the dimension of justice. Love must also have compassion, which means to bear with or to suffer with a person. Compassion does not mean to suffer because of the injustices of another person. So, when we're looking at acceptance and she has a chapter on forgiveness that's very similar it's not saying that we have to stay miserable. That is not acceptance. Acceptance is being able to get very clear that we're accepting reality, and it's okay if we don't want that reality to stay the same, but we are accepting what actually is and not lying to ourselves about it anymore. 

So, she presents these are presented actually from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, where she presents these. It's a five-step process to accept your death, like dying people to accept their death, and she feels like that's the ultimate acceptance that you are going to die. So, the first one is denial, the second one is processing anger, the third one is bargaining, the fourth is depression and the fifth is when we reach acceptance Through this process. She said this is not like a step-by-step process. You don't magically start at one and then move to two. You're going to jump around to all of them and this will happen in its own time. There's no timeline for these. And this will happen in its own time. There's no timeline for these, she said. 

But the biggest thing is when we really get to that point where we're working through these steps, we allow ourselves to feel angry. Sometimes we allow ourselves to humbly surrender and be depressed about the reality that we're in. But after we've closed our eyes, we've kicked, screamed, negotiated, we felt a lot of the pain. We finally arrived at a state of acceptance. She says it's very healthy and natural and normal to go through these processes over and over. It doesn't mean you'll get here and stay here forever. Sometimes you have to continually work through it again forever. Sometimes you have to continually work through it again. Which leads to her amazing next section of dealing with your own feelings. She said most codependents are oppressed, depressed and repressed. They can quickly tell what everyone else is feeling, why that person is feeling that way, how long they felt that way and what that person is probably going to do because of that feeling. 

Many of us talking about codependence spend our lives fussing about other people's feelings. We try to fix people's feelings. We try to control other people's feelings. We don't want to hurt people. We don't want to upset them; we don't want to offend. We feel responsible for other people's feelings, yet we don't know what we're feeling. If we do, we don't know what to do to fix ourselves. So many of us have abandoned or never taken responsibility for our own emotional lives. I think that is such a powerful quote that when we really step back and look for our own emotional well-being, when we take control of that, that is when we step outside of codependency. We must take responsibility for our own feelings, happy, sad, whatever that feeling is and when we really process that, that is so much healing. 

And I love that she gives an entire section just to the feeling of anger, because so many Christian women feel very bad about being angry. So, I love what she says here, and we'll end with this section Most likely. She says we have every right to feel anger. We have every right to feel as angry as we feel. So do other people. But we also have the responsibility, primarily to ourselves, to deal with our anger appropriately. So, she said you know what happens when somebody in your life gets sick. Yes, we have the right to be mad at a sick person. We didn't ask about the problem. Although the ideal feeling is compassion, we probably won't feel this until we deal with our anger. 

Then she goes on to say about how, when we're dealing with our anger, then she goes on to say about how, when we're dealing with our anger, sometimes anger will get so much bigger and we'll feel it so much more, because it's kind of like a new toy. You want to play with that toy for a little bit and you kind of get a little obsessed with it. She said but what will happen is we'll settle down with it, we'll be patient and over time we're going to start being gentle and allowing all these angry feelings to come out. So, the last thing that I will say is that when we start to allow ourselves to feel angry, one of the biggest fears that my clients have is that they'll stay there forever. But I will say, the more you repress and ignore anger, the more angry you feel. The more you appropriately feel anger, the more you work through it, and it diminishes, and you move beyond it, and I have felt that in my own life. That is something that I highly recommend that you schedule a consultation with me. Let's get on the phone, let's figure out. How do you work through that? If you've got some really big trauma stuff, find a very good therapist as well to work through that anger, because that will present a very different life for you. 

So, the last thing that I'll mention for her book is she says learning to live and love. Again, she said it's not God's will that we stay miserable and stay in miserable relationships. That's something we've been doing to ourselves. We don't have to stay in relationships that causes pain and misery. We are free to take care of ourselves, and when you start to address those needs and those wants that you have for yourself, that is when you start healing from codependency. I'll see you next time. 

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