The 12 Steps to Reclaim Your Power and Stop People Pleasing

In this episode of Empowering Women in Conversations, we walk through a powerful 12-step framework designed specifically for people pleasers who are ready to stop the cycle and start showing up for themselves—without guilt or apology.

You’ll learn how to:
 🌿 Identify the roots of your people-pleasing behavior
 🛑 Set boundaries without fear of rejection
 💬 Communicate your needs clearly and assertively
 💖 Prioritize self-care and self-respect
 🌟 Replace emotional burnout with empowerment and authenticity

Each step includes simple challenges and small wins to help you take action and begin healing from within.

✨ If you’re ready to stop shrinking yourself for the comfort of others and start honoring your worth, this episode is your roadmap.

💬 Mentioned in this episode:

• How to join the Empower Her Pathways online community
• What to expect from each step of the healing process
• A reminder: You’re not alone, and change is possible

Disclaimer: By joining our online community, you agree to be added to our email list for support, resources, and updates on future offerings.

🎧 Hit play, subscribe, and let’s walk this journey together.

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Transcript

Rosa was the strong one the dependable one The one who smiled nodded and said it's fine even though it wasn't She was the first to say yes and the last one to ask for help In relationships she gave everything Her time her energy her voice Hoping love would finally feel safe but it never did Time after time Rosa would end up in relationships where she felt invisible Her needs were rarely met her boundaries non-existent She told herself it was because she was nice And easygoing Or that she didn't want to rock the boat But deep down Rosa was tired She was tired of the patterns Tired of feeling resentful used overwhelmed overlooked Being a pushover Tired of losing herself In the hope that finally someone would choose her Love her Accept her Her last relationship just broke her She had given everything She managed his stress She kept the house running She cooked She cleaned She worked She played the peacekeeper in the family making sure that everything was perfect She would smile at every insult disguised as a joke She thought if I just loved harder he'd change He just needs more love But instead she lost herself completely After the breakup Rosa sat on her bedroom and was in tears Recurring question that kept happening after every single relationship Why does this keep happening to me Why do I always pick the wrong guy Why do they always do this to me She then realized maybe it was something about her how she would always lose herself within this relationship She noticed how this 12step program helped her heal how to accept herself set boundaries how to know that she was not alone For once she felt seen She felt validated She felt heard Going through the 12step program she began step one admitting to the problem She was a people pleaser not because she was weak but because she was conditioned to be socially programmed by her culture upbringing trauma It shaped her to believe that her worth came from service and silence Step 2 taught her acceptance She learned self-compassion Maybe for the first time She started saying hey I matter too She actually meant it She began to believe it within herself By step 3 she was reflecting exploring the roots of people-pleasing within herself She discovered that that little girl part of her had learned that she needed to earn love that there was conditions with love and finally began to reprogram and reparent herself with kindness Step 4 Rosa started setting boundaries She realized no didn't make her mean It made her healthy And saying no didn't mean she was a bad person You can be a good person and say no is what she realized The 12th Step group became her mirror Other women shared stories surrounded like hers She knew that she was not alone Week after week they celebrated each other's wins offering support for one another unconditionally without judgment As she worked through Step 5 through Step 10 She noticed a change within herself She stopped performing and started living She no longer needed to be everything for everyone She just needed to be true to herself And by step 12 something beautiful happened Rosa looked in the mirror She didn't see a pushover She didn't see a people pleaser She saw an empowered resilient authentic person She saw for the first time who she was deep down that it was just shining bright within her She finally saw herself her real self So today Rosa has a new kind of relationship One where her voice is heard her opinions matter where she's validated and she's confident in speaking up being brave enough to speak up More importantly she's in a loving respectful relationship within herself She doesn't have to chase love anymore She embodies it She knows that within herself she's accepted that she is worthy and deserving She loves herself respects herself validates her own emotions so much that she only allows the people that surround her to do just the same In order to change she realized she had to change within herself Rosa's story reminds us that healing is possible The journey to empowerment resilience and authenticity is possible Change is real and you're never too far gone to begin your journey And if you see yourself in this and have a similar story then there's space for you here in Empowering Women in Conversations and in the Empower Pathways community You don't have to keep breaking your heart in order to be loved You can replace that pattern Let's walk through the 12 steps together and begin the conversation Welcome back to Empowering Women in Conversations I'm your host Anita Sandoval licensed professional counselor and founder of Empower Her Pathways and fellow recovering people pleaser In today's episode we're going to be diving deep into something that has changed my life and the lives of so many women in our community I will be talking about the 12step program on overcoming people-pleasing and appeasing If you ever felt exhausted from doing everything that everyone else wants you to do or you stayed in failed relationships because you were too afraid to say no And if you ever felt like you've lost yourself somewhere along the way as I would like to call it soul erosion then this episode is for you Today I'm going to walk you through the 12 steps I will share with you the mission behind this program I will highlight the purpose of each step and leave you with a small challenge and a win to carry with you So the mission for the 12 step program for people pleasing is simple My goal is to help women who are people pleasers in failed relationships become empowered resilient and authentic Without feeling guilt without feeling shame putting themselves first in order for them to be there for others This is not about being selfish It's about becoming whole It's about knowing the difference between self-love and selflessness It's about breaking the chains of generations of conditionings of family culture society programming that tells us how women should be appeasing how women should be nice how women should be kind And I'm not saying that we shouldn't but it should not come to the expense of burdening and sacrificing our own self-identity and self-worth in a society that tells us that worth comes from self-sacrifice So the purpose is to guide you step by step through a healing journey to help you recognize the patterns rewrite the story and reconnect with who you really are beneath the pleasing and appeasing so let's go into the steps Step number one admitting the problem I've had many people come into my practice going what what is this people pleasing and appeasing I'm not a people pleaser The first stage is is becoming aware of what you're not aware of So you might feel some sense of shock and denial And if this isn't you then that's okay However for those that do become aware and enlightened that you are a people pleaser and that you use this as a coping mechanism to feel safe for the short term Step one is for you admitting the problem We admit that we've been programmed culturally emotionally to put others before ourselves and it's made our lives unmanageable The challenge here is to just take a moment today and write down 3 ways people-pleasing has held you back from living authentically A quick win is just creating awareness that the first step to change is becoming aware It's that simple Step 2 is about acceptance and self-compassion We recognize that we don't do this alone but with the right support we can heal Knowing that you're not alone in this journey It's the biggest support you can have into creating a successful change and becoming empowered and becoming resilient into building healthy relationships and being confident in saying no The challenge on step 2 is to offer yourself one kind thought today Something like I deserve space to grow I'm choosing myself first I'm learning how to be kind to myself The quick win here in step 2 is just learning how you're beginning to choose yourself Even if it is within your mind and a thought that you could consider yourself first before others is a win Step number 3 self-reflection Here we explore what's behind the pattern Is it fear Is it rejection Is it abandonment Needing validation Childhood trauma You want to explore within yourself what's behind the people pleasing What's the negativity the emotion the story in your head that you're telling yourself if you don't people please What's the worst that could happen In this challenge you want to journal for about 5 minutes about a recent time you said yes when you really meant no What was underneath that What was the fear behind that The quick win here is self-awareness It leads to freedom Just becoming aware on the reasoning behind the people-pleasing will show you the path and journey you need to take to move forward Step number 4 identifying boundaries Here we realize we're worthy of having needs and boundaries We cannot have healthy relationships if we don't have boundaries Every healthy relationship has healthy conflicts And within healthy conflicts there are healthy boundaries These boundaries show how we can respect ourselves and how we can respect others at the same time The challenge here is to identify one area of your life where you need clearer boundaries and just say it Say it out loud You don't have to have anybody there with you Just saying it out loud helps you make it real within yourself One of the strategies I also say take some plush animals take some picture frames You can put a picture of a person you want to set a boundary with and just role play and set that intention and boundaries to that person but also within yourself The quick win here is that even naming your need is a powerful step Thinking about it saying it out loud You don't have to have another person in front of you Just saying it makes it real for you No need for anyone to validate what it is you want When you are more than enough to validate your own self Step number 5 communicating needs Here we practice honesty assertiveness communication There are 3 types of communication The message that is being said with passivity is saying your opinion is more important than mine Not saying anything is still a choice is still saying your opinion is more important than mine This is where the resentment comes in It is not a healthy way in the long run to keep a relationship The second one is aggressiveness Aggressiveness is where we impose our own opinions over to others The message there is saying my opinion is more important than your opinion See in passivity you're saying their opinion is important mine isn't The aggressive communication is saying my opinion is more important than your opinion For most unhealthy relationships it bounces around from one to the other saying okay your opinion is more important than mine Okay well you know what tomorrow my opinion will be more important than yours And we're just bouncing back and forth switching the resentment and the negativity from one person to the other which in the end will accumulate and it will build until finally something happens and it explodes And then it will replay the cycle over again The third option is called assertiveness Assertiveness is sending the message that their opinion is important At the same time your own opinion is also important And let's take a step back here Some people are going what We can actually have it where both people's opinions are important Yes There is no value to any opinions unless you give it that value We can have different opinions and yet give it the same importance Just because you respect their opinion doesn't mean you have to agree with them or do what they're saying You can respectfully agree to disagree So the challenge here is to say one thing you need today without apology because your voice matters Step number 6 we embrace the courage to say no and we trust that others can take care of themselves The challenge here is to say no to one small thing this week that drains you So this is quite a challenge once we go to step 6 because we have to allow others to take care of themselves We assume that by people pleasing we're helping others when in fact we are harming them by enabling them to be codependent unto us to fix their problems I'm not talking about little kids I'm not talking about taking care of the basic needs of your children that are under Because even children you want to allow them within their developmental stage for them to learn grow and change within themselves to problem solve so that they could know that they can do it as well And you want to give them that space So at times saying no allows that space for others to grow and within yourself to grow as well So the win here is that every no to others is a yes to yourself Step number 7 self-care and prioritizing Here we start putting ourselves on the list not at the bottom but at the top You want to schedule 30 minutes this week just for you No guilt No explanation You're not an afterthought You are a first thought You are a priority Be it taking a walk Be it just doing nothing because it is your nothing be it taking a shower or a bath Step number 8 establishing a support system We find the people who honor our boundaries and celebrate our growth This is one of the biggest obstacles because at times I hear people going well they don't support me And I keep telling them but they don't understand We're not here to make people understand The first person that needs to understand is yourself To know that we can't change other people To know that we have to look for people that are judgment-free that are understanding that are there for you unconditionally So if there's someone that is not being supportive and is not willing to change We cannot make them change You need to find the right type of people and it is not them So the challenge here is to reach out to one person who supports your healing not change them to support you looking into someone that does support your healing and share a piece of your journey Allow yourself to be vulnerable to trust them You don't have to do this alone Success of any change is equal to the support that you have And if you can't find any support seeking professional help finding the right therapist for you to help you find that support to help you in just giving you that support is fundamental in your success Step number 9 forgiveness We forgive ourselves for abandoning our own needs We start reflecting on the ways that we neglected ourselves And at times we tend to having our inner critic putting us down How could you do this I can't believe you did that We want to allow ourselves that space to be compassionate to forgive ourselves for abandoning our own needs You can write a letter to yourself You can talk within yourself saying I forgive myself for all the things that I neglected to do within myself but I'm making a choice to move forward and put myself first as much as I can Forgiving those past choices made from fear or conditioning and knowing that even though we are scared we're still moving forward and we create and we become confident and brave to choose ourselves first before others The quick win here is forgiveness is freedom allows us to move forward in our journey Step number 10 mindfulness and awareness Here we watch for relapse and it will happen We meet it with compassion not criticism Keep in mind that people pleasing and appeasing is an autonomic nervous response What does that mean That whenever we're scared or we feel threatened your go-to is to people please And that's okay We pause We become aware of it We reflect on the situation We learn from the situation We forgive ourselves We come up with a resolution to become empowered resilient and authentic We seek our support system if in case we can't do it alone The challenge here is to pause before every yes this week You want to ask yourself do I really want this And at times I always tell people to talk to their loved ones and say look I am a people pleaser I'm working on becoming empowered I'm working on loving myself And so I am quick to say yes Even when I say no you're going to hear me say no a lot and you're going to hear me say let me think about it And I really want to work on what is important for me before I am quick to say yes The people that push back that may not like what you are doing are mostly the ones that would want to take advantage of you So reflect on those relationships and ask yourself do they really want to be with me or is it the service I provide for them The quick win here is you want to catch the pattern in real time Once you are quick in catching your pattern quick to replace that pattern You can't change a habit but you can replace it And being consistent with the new habit helps maintain yourself in becoming empowered resilient and authentic Step number 11 personal growth Here we commit daily our intentional growth not perfection Doesn't matter how you move forward whether you're falling down Hey you're still falling down forward Whether you're walking baby steps whether you're crawling doesn't matter The goal is to keep moving forward Just because you failed doesn't mean it's a setback It's a life learning experience The challenge here is to set one empowering intention for the week So what is your intention for the week You're becoming the woman that you were always meant to be What is your intention Is your intention to say no Is your intention to become empowered How can you do that Step number 12 helping others You want to be able to share your story because someone else needs to know that they're not alone You want to share one takeaway from this episode with a friend family member or someone that you know is a people pleaser Let them know your story Let them know you're not alone Your voice might be the permission someone else is waiting for Know that the journey is not perfect It's about becoming real It's about becoming empowered It's about becoming whole You don't have to stay stuck in this people-pleasing pattern You can definitely break the cycle replace it and choose a new path And for those of you that do not have a support system feel free to join the Empower Her Pathways online community that is free We can walk through these 12 steps in a supportive safe sacred space being with like-minded women committed to healing becoming empowered Remember you don't have to do this alone Healing happens together As you reflect back on Rosa's journey and your own journey I want to leave you with this quote by Brené Brown It's one of my favorites Daring to set boundaries is about the courage to love ourselves even if we risk disappointing others You're not alone in this You're not too much You're not being melodramatic And you're certainly not too late to rewrite your story and begin your journey to freedom and authenticity and build successful relationships within yourself and others Until our next conversation take care