My Love Will Make Them Change: The Most Dangerous Myth for Women

What if the very love you’re giving is the thing keeping you stuck?

In this powerful episode of Empowering Women in Conversations, host Anita Sandoval, LPC, sits down with Dr. Eluterio Blanco, Jr., Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor and Nationally Certified Master Addiction Counselor, to unpack one of the most dangerous myths women believe:

“If I love them enough, they’ll change.”

Together, we explore how addiction isn’t just about substances—it’s about compulsive behavior, loss of choice, and continuing patterns despite negative consequences. We also examine how people pleasing and codependency can function like an addiction, keeping women emotionally bonded to unhealthy relationships and chronic burnout.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why love, pressure, and ultimatums don’t create real change
• What addiction really means (and why language matters)
• The difference between supporting recovery and enabling harm
• How intrinsic motivation—not sacrifice—is the foundation of change
• Why boundaries don’t fix them, but they do free you
• How women can begin reclaiming their voice, identity, and self-trust

This conversation is compassionate, honest, and empowering—especially for women navigating relationships affected by substance use, compulsive behaviors, or emotional over-functioning.

If you’ve ever felt exhausted, resentful, or confused by giving everything and still feeling like it’s not enough… this episode is for you.

🔗 Connect & Learn More

📚 Recommended Reading
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

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🎓 About Our Guest
Dr. Eluterio Blanco, Jr. is a Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor, Nationally Certified Master Addiction Counselor, and Clinical Associate Professor at The University of Texas Rio Grande Valley, where he coordinates the Bachelor of Science in Addiction Studies.

Chapters

• 0:00 00:00 – What if love isn’t enough?
• 1:31 01:31 – Addiction isn’t always substances
• 2:00 02:00 – Meet Dr. Eluterio Blanco, Jr.
• 8:10 08:10 – Why clinicians avoid the word “addiction”
• 12:08 12:08 – Compulsion + negative consequences
• 16:45 16:45 – Can people pleasing act like addiction?
• 20:46 20:46 – Codependency & enabling patterns
• 28:01 28:01 – “If I love enough, they’ll change”
• 30:00 30:00 – Why ultimatums don’t work
• 35:38 35:38 – What happens when one partner changes
• 40:28 40:28 – 12 Steps, Al-Anon & recovery for partners
• 46:34 46:34 – Moderation management explained
• 51:03 51:03 – Relapse & the reality of recovery
• 52:45 52:45 – The empowering truth women need

Transcript

My Love Will Make Them Change: The Most Dangerous Myth for Women
Guest: Dr. Eluterio Blanco, Jr. (Addiction Studies)

[00:00:00] Anita: What if love isn’t enough?
[00:00:03] Anita: What if loving harder is actually making things worse?

[00:00:07] Dr. Blanco: Change doesn’t happen because of pressure, threats, or love. Recovery only happens when there is intrinsic motivation.

[00:00:14] Anita: So what if “helping”… is actually hurting?
[00:00:17] Anita: And what if people pleasing works like an addiction?

[00:00:20] Dr. Blanco: Addiction is compulsive behavior—done even after negative consequences.

[00:00:28] Anita: In this episode, we break down addiction, codependency, boundaries—
[00:00:32] Anita: and why your love can’t save someone… but it can save you.

[00:01:31] Anita: Welcome back to Empowering Women in Conversations. I’m your host, Anita Sandoval, and today we’re talking about powerful truths—the reality of addiction. It isn’t always something people think about, and it’s not always about substances.
[00:01:48] Anita: It can also be about behaviors that take over our lives—like people pleasing.

[00:01:56] Anita: My guest today is Dr. Eluterio Blanco, Jr., a Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor, a Nationally Certified Master Addiction Counselor, and a Clinical Associate Professor in the School of Rehabilitation Services and Counseling at the University of Texas Rio Grande Valley, where he serves as the degree coordinator for the online Bachelor of Science in Addiction Studies.

[00:02:24] Anita: Since 2002, Dr. Blanco has provided counseling services to clients with substance use disorders, working with adolescents, adults, and special populations. He has co-authored articles on attitudes of Mexican Americans toward cannabis use, co-authored a textbook on substance use disorders, and his research focuses on reducing stigma among healthcare providers toward people living with substance use disorders.

[00:02:59] Anita: With his extensive clinical and academic background, he brings a unique perspective on how addictive patterns form—and how we can break them. Today we’re exploring how people pleasing can act like an addiction, how recovery applies, and how you can begin reclaiming your voice and your life.

[00:03:23] Anita: Dr. Blanco, welcome to the show.

[00:03:27] Dr. Blanco: Hello, Anita. Thank you. I’m grateful and honored to be here.

[00:03:31] Anita: Dr. Blanco and I met years ago when I was getting my graduate degree in counseling and you were on your own path in counseling. Many, many years later—here we are. Thank you for being here.

[00:03:47] Dr. Blanco: I think we were both aspiring psychologists at that time.

[00:03:50] Anita: We were—and we went different routes. I love psychology, but I wanted to be more hands-on with people. Psychology often leans into testing and measurement, and that wasn’t the right fit for me. How about you?

[00:04:05] Dr. Blanco: Same here. When I met you, I had started working with the addiction population and substance use. I was going to become a psychologist, but I wanted to stay in this work because I found it rewarding. I loved it so much. I never moved on—maybe later on.

[00:04:23] Anita: I get that. I know you became a Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor, and that motivated me to get my LCDC too. It wasn’t my long-term venture the way it was yours, and I love that you kept going.

[00:04:38] Anita: I’m also grateful because now we can collaborate—your expertise in addiction and my work with people pleasing. To start, can you share what inspired you to focus your career on addiction studies and counseling?

[00:04:53] Dr. Blanco: It was a little accidental. I aspired to become a psychologist—specifically a behavioral psychologist. That’s what I studied as an undergraduate.

[00:05:00] Dr. Blanco: When I graduated, I knew that in Texas you can get your license in chemical dependency counseling with a bachelor’s degree, because of how licensure and certification works. And there was a big need for it in our state. So I thought, “I’ll get this license on the way to becoming a psychologist.”

[00:05:42] Dr. Blanco: I was doing therapy, learning CBT, assessment, and counseling—all within the context of treating substance use disorders. I thought, “This is great—I’m able to do this with a bachelor’s degree.”

[00:06:00] Dr. Blanco: I went on to graduate school for a master’s in clinical psychology, and everything I learned applied so well to working with people who had substance use disorders. I stayed with the population because even to this day, I feel like I haven’t mastered it. There’s always so much more to learn and do.

[00:06:16] Dr. Blanco: Also, back then a lot of clinicians didn’t want to work with people who had co-occurring mental health and substance use disorders—what used to be called “dual diagnosis.” They’d say, “No, I don’t want this person.” And I felt, “There’s a need, and I’ll do it.”

[00:07:00] Dr. Blanco: In college, I worked as a work-study student in a social work program and had access to journals on addiction treatment. I’d read them during downtime. We didn’t have a class in the curriculum on substance use or addiction back then, so I had to learn a lot on my own.

[00:07:19] Dr. Blanco: It’s not like that now—because one of my life goals is to improve that. We need mental health counselors to know far more about substance use disorders and addiction.

[00:07:42] Dr. Blanco: And I’ll also say: I’m not personally in recovery. Most people who enter the field are, and I respect that. I’ve had some issues with alcohol in the past, but I don’t consider myself in recovery the way others do.

[00:08:02] Anita: I’m glad you said that because people hear “addiction” and immediately think, “I’m not an addict,” and they also think drugs and alcohol only. From your perspective, what actually defines addiction?

[00:08:19] Dr. Blanco: It’s ironic because those of us who are clinicians don’t really use that term much—and we shouldn’t. If you’re familiar with the DSM-5, there’s a section on substance-related and addictive disorders, but it makes it clear in the introduction: the word “addiction” isn’t used. It’s not a clinical word.

[00:08:46] Dr. Blanco: It gets thrown around a lot. People loosely apply it to many things. For most non-clinicians, “addiction” means severe dependence—usually a physiological dependence—where it’s difficult to change. Clinically, we diagnose on a continuum: mild, moderate, severe. People usually mean the severe end when they say “addiction.”

[00:09:37] Dr. Blanco: I hope that helps clarify what people often mean by that term.

[00:09:41] Anita: So what I’m hearing is “addiction” is more of a subjective term in everyday language. Clinically, we’re talking about a disorder on a continuum.

[00:09:50] Anita: I’ve seen people want to do 12 steps but still smoke cigarettes or use caffeine, and the goal is to reduce stimulant use—even sugar sometimes. So if we don’t use the word “addict,” what do we call them?

[00:10:33] Dr. Blanco: We try to reduce stigmatizing terms. That’s a big part of my research—stigma among healthcare providers toward people with substance use disorders.

[00:10:42] Dr. Blanco: Using labels like “addict” has been shown to create negative perceptions. Language has power. When providers use stigmatizing language, it can reduce empathy. Changing language makes a difference.

[00:12:05] Anita: Can you help me define compulsion or loss of control? When does it become a “problem” clinically? A lot of clients say, “I don’t have a problem,” especially if they haven’t had legal issues. But there are relationship consequences. They justify it: “I can stop anytime,” or “It’s better than before.” How would you define when it’s finally a problem?

[00:12:52] Dr. Blanco: Good question. The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) has a working definition that starts with: it’s a compulsive behavior pattern that someone continues despite experiencing negative consequences.

[00:13:10] Dr. Blanco: So two parts: compulsion—often obsession, rumination, thinking about it constantly—and continuing even after negative consequences. The consequences can be social, life-related, or medical/physical consequences.

[00:14:18] Dr. Blanco: Not everyone who uses a substance develops a substance use disorder. Some people may occasionally consume alcohol or even use certain substances without developing a severe disorder. People struggle to conceptualize that, especially with drugs like cocaine. But it’s possible someone might develop a mild disorder and never develop the severe dependence people associate with “addiction.”

[00:15:00] Anita: Since we don’t use the word “addict,” what’s a normalized word to use?

[00:15:08] Dr. Blanco: Clinically and person-first, we’d say: “a person with an alcohol use disorder,” “a person with a substance use disorder,” “a person with an opioid use disorder.” It’s a mouthful, but it’s more accurate and less stigmatizing.

[00:15:58] Dr. Blanco: SAMHSA publishes preferred terms versus terms we should avoid. For clinicians, we should use the clinical language.

[00:16:00] Dr. Blanco: But if someone in recovery calls themselves an “addict” or “recovering addict,” let them use that. That term may empower them. They own it. We shouldn’t correct them. But we shouldn’t be throwing those labels on others.

[00:16:33] Anita: You mentioned physiological dependence, and I also want to talk about behaviors. Can people pleasing fit an addiction cycle?

[00:16:45] Anita: From a neurobiology perspective, sometimes something wasn’t developed growing up—like belonging and love. Then someone gets attention and boom: firing and wiring. “If I give them what they want, they’ll give me what I want.” Dopamine hits. Then it becomes repeated.

[00:18:04] Anita: Is it possible that people pleasing can have a compulsive, addiction-like cycle?

[00:18:19] Dr. Blanco: Yes. What you described is codependency and its origin. I’m not an expert on codependency—I specialize in individual addiction treatment—but I do have to know it, because it comes up often.

[00:18:28] Dr. Blanco: We all have the potential for addiction because we all have the reward circuitry. That’s part of human survival and evolution. Sex feels good for a reason. High-fat, sugary foods feel good for a reason. Achievements feel rewarding for a reason.

[00:19:35] Dr. Blanco: Alcohol and drugs work through that same system. It’s not the alcohol or drugs that get a person “high”—it’s dopamine release. We all feel some version of that in everyday life.

[00:20:00] Dr. Blanco: Addiction is a behavioral health disorder. There’s no simple cure. Recovery is long-term.

[00:20:28] Dr. Blanco: One more point: substance use disorders statistically skew higher in men. Depression and anxiety skew higher in women. But codependency patterns often show up heavily in women—again, general statistics, not stereotypes.

[00:21:16] Anita: And if you think about it, it evens out: men develop more substance use disorders, and women develop more codependency and people pleasing.

[00:21:29] Anita: I see couples come in saying, “He’s the problem,” because substance use is obvious. But it takes two—enabling and codependency play a role. Women often think, “If I love enough, give enough, it’ll fix it.”

[00:22:36] Anita: How can women recognize their codependency has gotten out of control—where they’re now in failed relationships?

[00:22:53] Dr. Blanco: There’s a classic book—Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It’s foundational.

[00:23:27] Dr. Blanco: Codependency often grows out of unresolved trauma and frequently involves a caretaker who had a substance use disorder—often the father—so the family system organized around the disorder. That becomes the model.

[00:24:20] Anita: Does it have to be “hard” drugs? Could it be something legal like cigarettes or alcohol?

[00:24:36] Dr. Blanco: Absolutely. Alcohol and cigarettes are harmful and unhealthy. The cultural problem is we tie substances to morality and criminality: “Illegal drugs are bad; alcohol is legal so it’s okay.” But excessive use is unhealthy across the board.

[00:26:00] Dr. Blanco: In codependency, resentment builds. Example: someone comes home intoxicated, leaves bottles everywhere, passes out, and the spouse cleans it up and handles everything. That often creates burnout and resentment.

[00:26:42] Anita: Exactly—overgiving, then resenting someone for what you chose to do.

[00:27:25] Dr. Blanco: And sometimes the person with the disorder didn’t even ask. Sometimes there is manipulation, yes. But often it’s the codependent pattern on its own.

[00:27:25] Dr. Blanco: What helps? Boundaries.

[00:27:35] Anita: Talk to me about boundaries in recovery.

[00:27:42] Dr. Blanco: The codependent often believes the relationship works both ways: “I can change them into recovery.” But I need to be clear—recovery is dependent on intrinsic motivation.

[00:28:09] Anita: Yes—people pleasing myth number one: “If I’m good enough, if I do enough, if I love enough, they’ll change.”

[00:28:45] Dr. Blanco: It is dependent on the person. Pressure and ultimatums usually won’t work. If someone abstains because of a threat, it’s often temporary if it’s not internally motivated.

[00:29:28] Anita: What are the effects when women use emotional tactics—“If you love me, you’ll stop”?

[00:29:47] Dr. Blanco: It’s not effective. It can backfire. If someone changes from fear, resentment can build. And again, it doesn’t mean they don’t love their family—it means they aren’t in a place to change.

[00:30:00] Dr. Blanco: Motivational interviewing focuses on values and discrepancy in a compassionate way, but it still comes back to intrinsic motivation.

[00:31:00] Anita: And if you love them—stop enabling. Stop cleaning up after them.

[00:35:38] Dr. Blanco: There’s also a systems concept—homeostasis. Families resist change. Sometimes someone begins recovery and starts staying home, being present, and the family isn’t used to that. They may unconsciously push back. Everyone has to adjust.

[00:38:57] Dr. Blanco: The second big factor in recovery—besides intrinsic motivation—is confidence that they can recover. Support that increases confidence helps. Statements like “You’ll never change” don’t help.

[00:39:30] Anita: For people pleasers, support could look like: “I heard you say no.” My husband used to do that with me. He helped me recognize it without shame and helped me practice new choices.

[00:40:28] Anita: Let’s talk 12 steps. How do they work for behavioral compulsions like people pleasing?

[00:40:45] Dr. Blanco: AA is built on surrender: admitting powerlessness and turning it over to a higher power. It’s abstinence-based. It’s effective for some, not for everyone.

[00:42:26] Anita: Does that apply to behavioral compulsions?

[00:42:31] Dr. Blanco: It can. And for relationships, there’s Al-Anon—for spouses and family members. It helps people recover from codependency patterns while the other person addresses substance use.

[00:43:11] Anita: That first step—accepting you can’t change others—is huge for people pleasers.

[00:44:09] Anita: Many women believe: “I’ll become their drug. I’ll give enough love, sex, support—and then it will finally be enough.” But it doesn’t work that way.

[00:44:33] Dr. Blanco: They can change, but you can’t make them. As the codependent, don’t lose hope—but understand you can’t control their recovery.

[00:45:00] Anita: Then when do women finally put themselves first?

[00:45:05] Dr. Blanco: The same way someone begins recovery: an epiphany. A decision that self-love and personal growth matters. Codependency is repeatedly putting the other person’s needs ahead of your own. Recovery begins when you choose your needs, your health, your growth.

[00:46:14] Anita: I love that word—release. You release them to be responsible for their recovery, while you recover yourself through self-care and self-love.

[00:46:34] Anita: Talk to me about moderation management.

[00:46:34] Dr. Blanco: Moderation management is different from AA. It falls under harm reduction. The goal isn’t total abstinence—it’s reduction. Some people want to drink less, not quit entirely. There are moderation groups and guidelines for moderate drinking.

[00:48:15] Anita: Is it successful?

[00:48:15] Dr. Blanco: It can be, depending on motivation and confidence. If someone is moderate-to-severe and you tell them “never drink again,” their confidence may drop. Sometimes starting with smaller goals increases confidence and leads to long-term behavioral change.

[00:50:57] Anita: What about relapse? People pleasers often say, “They were supposed to change.”

[00:51:03] Dr. Blanco: Recovery isn’t easy. Rates are low—around 10–17% depending on the definition of recovery. It’s chronic, like diabetes or heart disease. If you have a spouse with a substance use disorder, you’re often in a long-term reality with it.

[00:52:09] Dr. Blanco: And it doesn’t reflect on you. Sometimes users will blame the spouse—“You made me drink.” That’s not accurate. You’re not responsible for their behavior.

[00:52:26] Anita: Right—this is where you stop people pleasing and say, “I’m not responsible for your thoughts, emotions, or choices.”

[00:52:25] Anita: What is one empowering truth you wish every woman would hold onto in this journey?

[00:52:45] Dr. Blanco: Acceptance of reality: their recovery goals are their goals—not yours. If their goal is moderation and your goal is abstinence, that’s not your decision to force. You get to decide whether you can live with that reality and whether the relationship is healthy for you.

[00:53:26] Anita: That’s powerful—see the reality, decide what you can compromise on, and if not, rethink the relationship. Where can people find you and learn more?

[00:53:47] Dr. Blanco: The University of Texas Rio Grande Valley. I’m a Clinical Associate Professor and coordinator for the bachelor’s degree in addiction studies.

[00:54:11] Dr. Blanco: Many people in recovery or who have healed codependency end up wanting to become counselors. If that’s you, one of my goals is to make sure nobody slips through the cracks. Licensing can be complicated. If you want to enter the profession, I’ll do what I can to help you get there.

[00:54:47] Anita: I ask all my guests two questions. First: what is your definition of an empowered woman?

[00:55:10] Dr. Blanco: An empowered woman is a woman who is true to herself—no matter what. Truth is power.

[00:55:24] Anita: And second: if three generations from now, your great-great granddaughter or niece found one letter from you—what truth would you want to leave her to keep supporting empowered women in her lineage?

[00:56:00] Dr. Blanco: That’s tough. I don’t have girls—I have boys—but they could have girls. I’d say: be true to yourself, and remember humanity—treat people as you would yourself. All humans are important.

[00:56:29] Anita: I love that. This conversation has been eye-opening. Thank you for helping us see that addiction isn’t only substances—it’s compulsive behavior that takes over your ability to choose freely, including people pleasing.

[00:56:47] Anita: I know our listeners will take away tools to set boundaries, reevaluate relationships, find their voice, and step into their most authentic self. Thank you, Dr. Blanco.

[00:57:05] Anita: Thank you for listening to Empowering Women in Conversations. If this episode spoke to you, share it with a woman who needs to hear it—and remember: your love can’t save someone, but it can save you.