Stop Waiting to Be Chosen (Part 1): The Confidence Myth Women Believe

February is often about love and relationships — but it can also surface pressure around being chosen and feeling “enough.”

In this episode, I sit down with bestselling author, TEDx speaker, and business strategist Julie DeLucca-Collins to break down one of the biggest myths women believe about confidence.

Most women think confidence is a feeling.

It’s not.

We talk about:

• Why waiting to “feel ready” keeps you stuck
 • The cultural programming that tells women they must be chosen
 • How comparison steals momentum
 • Why confidence is built from evidence — not emotion
 • And what it really means to stay in your own lane

If you’ve ever questioned your worth, felt behind, or struggled with people-pleasing and self-doubt — this conversation will shift your perspective.

Part 1 challenges the myth.

Part 2 shows you how to rebuild confidence in real life through radical self-trust and identity work.

🎧 Listen in.

Stop Waiting to Be Chosen.

Get a quick win.

Download the free Confidence Reset guide.

You will:

• Pick one action
 • Do it today
 • End the day with proof you can trust yourself

And that’s how confidence starts.

👉 https://www.anitasandoval.com/the-confidence-reset

Connect with Julie

Julie DeLucca-Collins is a TEDx speaker, bestselling author, and business strategist helping women build confidence and visibility in midlife.

🌐 Learn More & Connect with Julie

Website:
 https://GoConfidentlyCoaching.com

Email:
 Julie@GoConfidentlyCoaching.com

LinkedIn:
 https://www.linkedin.com/in/goconfidentlyjulie/

Instagram:
 https://www.instagram.com/julie_deluccacollins/

Facebook:
 https://www.facebook.com/jdelucca

YouTube:
 https://www.youtube.com/@JulieDeLuccaCollins

Transcript

🎙 Stop Waiting to Be Chosen

Part 1: The Confidence Myth Women Believe

00:00:00] Cedric: What if confidence isn’t something you feel…

[00:00:03] but something you build?”

[00:00:05] Julie DeLucca-Collins: Most people think confidence is I have that feeling and I can do this.

[00:00:12] And we believe, right, that woman standing with the power pose and looking into the world and ready to slay, that's confidence. And I'm going to tell you that confidence is not a feeling,

[00:00:25] Grace: If you’re waiting to feel ready…

[00:00:27] you might be waiting forever.

[00:00:29] In Part 1, we break the myth women believe about confidence —

[00:00:32] and why waiting to be chosen is keeping you stuck.

[00:00:35] Stop Waiting to Be Chosen

[00:00:37] Part 1: The Confidence Myth Women Believe

[00:00:40] Listen in.

[00:00:41] 

[00:01:29] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: February is often about love and relationships, but it can also surface pressure around being chosen and feeling enough. And this month, we're talking about identity and the myth that someone else completes us, because real love doesn't erase who you are.

[00:01:47] It helps you come home to yourself. And today's guest is Julie DeLucca Collins, bestselling author, TEDx speaker, and business strategist, the co-author of Confident [00:02:00] You: Raw Conversations, a book that beautifully captures what confidence really looks like after the breakthrough, not before it. And so Julie works- Julie's work speaks directly to women who are done abandoning themselves and ready to build confidence rooted in self-trust, boundaries, and alignment, not perfection. 

[00:02:24] I'm so excited to explore this conversation with you today, Miss Julie. Welcome to the show. 

[00:02:30] Julie DeLucca-Collins: Thank you so much for having me, Anita. It is such a pleasure to be here, another Latina. Yes. This- these are my favorite conversations. 

[00:02:37] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Yes, Julie, especially during Valentine's season- Mm-hmm ... this belief of, find the one and- Yeah

[00:02:44] and the man completes us. I know growing up, they're like, "Well, let's see if she knows how to make tortillas, and- ... is she ready-" I- I've 

[00:02:50] Julie DeLucca-Collins: been trying. I've 

[00:02:51] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: been trying. And it's like, "Is she, is she ready to get married yet?" this is- Yeah ... the programming. I really want people to know who you are.

[00:02:59] If you can just [00:03:00] please speak briefly about your work and what brought you to what you're doing today. 

[00:03:04] Julie DeLucca-Collins: Thank you again for having me. But, , you know, it's hard to tell you where to start. I'll, I will tell you that I was raised by a very strong woman, and she always, from a very young age, told me that I could do everything and anything that I really wanted to set my mind to.

[00:03:19] And she really ingrained in me that not only did I have the ability to do anything, but that it was my requirement that if I was doing something, I needed to also turn around and help somebody else, especially a woman- Yeah ... do something. Mm. Because for so many years, in so many spaces, women are not necessarily listened to, a lot of women are not empowered, and a lot of women really second-guess themselves or don't have, uh, the know-how or e- either understanding of what's possible, right?

[00:03:55] Because they haven't seen it yet. Yeah. And that's what I'm hoping to do. I [00:04:00] started my career as a teacher, and then evolved, and I went to work for an educational firm out of New York City- Wow ... and I worked in creating educational programs nationwide. But as I was doing that, I was also climbing the corporate ladder.

[00:04:13] And although I knew there was more for me, I had a wonderful father who was a great role model- Yeah ... and always said, "Honey, you can do it." And he really was a mentor and helped me not only continue to grow through my corporate career, but really be able to reach places where a lot of women and Latinas are not necessarily seen.

[00:04:33] Yeah. And that was something that I'm incredibly proud of. As I did that alongside, I went ahead and I started to volunteer in many different spaces and places where my leadership skills and all my experience can help other women, uh, whether it be in leadership spaces or women who were looking to start a business.

[00:04:55] Now, I knew in 2019 that I wanted to go out on my [00:05:00] own and do something, and really start to concentrate in this idea that women could be empowered and helped and supported to be able to have the independence and grow a business or maybe a dream, and do it so confidently, right? Because so many times, and I've been in rooms where women are successful and women are well-educated and well-versed at what they do, and yet they still don't feel confident about their skills, and they're not willing to step up to the table.

[00:05:33] Yeah. And I wanted to be able to be that empowering force for them. Not because I'm perfect, but because I know what's possible, right? Yeah. If we just take that scary first step. Oh. And I didn't have the courage, unfortunately, in 2019, and I kept thinking, "Okay, someday, someday I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna do this."

[00:05:53] Yeah. And Claudia, eventually I was sitting here kind of [00:06:00] feeling stuck, and the world gave me a gift, and that was the pandemic. Yeah. The company that I worked for was hit very hard because it was, an educational company. Yeah. Schools shut down. So I was offered a separation package, and immediately I knew.

[00:06:17] I know exactly what I'm gonna do. I don't know how, but I know exactly what I'm gonna do. Yeah. Yeah. And that's how Go Confidently Services was born, and now I help women not only be able to build and grow a business that pays them what they need to make to be independent, to make a difference, to bring their gifts to the world, but I also help them become thought leaders- Yeah

[00:06:37] and the individuals that position themselves in a way that they're the go-to individuals. Yeah. 'Cause for so many women in particular, they're that invisible expert in one thing that somebody else loves or needs and wants, and I wanna empower them to- Yes ... be able to be that person for [00:07:00] somebody else. So that's- Yeah

[00:07:01] that's how Go Confidently Services started, and I launched a podcast as well in the beginning of 2020. It's gonna be six years- Wow ... in about a month or so. And that led us to not only being able to have a top-rated podcast, but my husband, in his own right- Yeah ... in, in partnership with myself, we now have a podcast production company.

[00:07:25] Oh. In which we, that's part of what we offer, and we help individuals to be able to launch and grow a show- Yeah ... that gives them the visibility and allows them to bring their message to the world. Yes. So that's my passion and what I'm in this world to do. 

[00:07:38] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Oh, I love that, that you're searching for more Latinas out there to just kind of bring the message and just become empowered.

[00:07:45] I know within our culture, we get just so many messages. Yeah. And one of the things for me, and this is where we align, is I help women who are people pleasers- Mm-hmm ... and failed relationships become empowered, resilient, authentic. 

[00:07:59] Speaker 4: Love 

[00:07:59] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: it. [00:08:00] And yes, and it's just building that bridge, and I notice that in February, that pressure that they think success is having this, be partnered up with someone- Mm-hmm, yeah

[00:08:11] even if it means settling, but they're losing- Yeah ... their greatness that you are offering and giving. Mm-hmm. When somebody comes to you, and let's say, 'cause we have to know where they're coming from, how do you work through these messages and belief systems they've had intergenerational- Yeah ... and decades?

[00:08:29] Julie DeLucca-Collins: You know, it, it's, it's so easy to think that, we can break patterns. Mm-hmm. And the reality is that even those of us who were told, "Hey, you can be independent. You have it. You can do it," there is such a pattern ingrained in our society for women, right- Yeah ... that we have to have a man by our side- Yeah

[00:08:51] that we have to be a wife, a mother, to really be able- Yeah ... to build our trust. And I think that for [00:09:00] me, I, I'm not a mother, but I did marry, um, in my, uh, at 30. Yeah. And I, I had that pressure that, oh my gosh, all my friends are married. I'm not married. There's something wrong with me. Yeah. What's going on?

[00:09:13] And- Yeah ... it didn't matter that I was successful in, in my career, that I was smart, that I traveled the world. Yeah. Um, so the first thing when women come to me is we start to explore a little bit, not only are there long-held beliefs, but what have they been told and what do they believe about the messages that are out in the world?

[00:09:33] And we, we unpack that. And, you know, it's not about changing or turning the channel on that, but it's really just understanding, hey, what are we believing, and is that true? Is that real? Yeah. And is that what I wanna adopt for my life? And, and I think that that's the first and foremost thing that we really unpack with women because our, our ability to be creative, our ability to create an impact- Yeah

[00:09:58] also [00:10:00] in, in the best of days and in the worst of days, we're gonna fall back on those, beliefs- Yeah ... that have been deep-seeded in us. Mm. So that's the first and foremost thing that, that I feel is important. 

[00:10:12] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Oh, yes. I know it's like a mind-body type of disconnection- Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah, 100%

[00:10:17] like you know mentally, yeah, you wanna do it- Mm-hmm ... but your body's like, "Oh, I have to forgive." Yeah. "I have to sacrifice. I have to suffer- Mm-hmm ... in order to be known as this good woman, good mother, or good wife- Yeah ... or good person." Mm-hmm. And you teach the confidence. 

[00:10:33] ' Let's define confidence. Let's do that. Yeah. I love that. help us women, how can you define confidence? 

[00:10:38] Julie DeLucca-Collins: Such a good question, and- Yeah ... I think that that is really where we should begin, right? Yeah. Most people think confidence is I have that feeling and I can do this.

[00:10:49] And we believe, right, that woman standing with the power pose and looking into the world and ready to slay, that's confidence. And I'm going to tell you [00:11:00] that confidence is not a feeling, right? Thank you. And for me, yes, there's some traits that con- makes confidence much easier. I'm a firstborn. I was always told I could do it.

[00:11:14] I had great influences and role models- I also am an extrovert, so all of that aids to confidence. But for someone who is a people pleaser- Yeah ... for someone that maybe was not in, in a family that you can see, , somebody model for you confidence- Mm ... confidence is about really being able to know that we all start as beginners, number one.

[00:11:42] Mm. Number two, no one is gonna have their stuff together right off the bat. Number three, it is about deciding, right? Mm. That I wanna do that, I don't know how, and maybe I don't even know where to start. Mm. But I'm gonna start with the first [00:12:00] step Right? Maybe it's I'm going to take this little step forward and I'm, the next day I'm gonna take that step forward again, and I'm gonna practice what I started to do.

[00:12:13] And then what happens is the more that we practice a skill or the more that we learn or step out and do the thing, we begin to find the evidence. Mm-hmm. 

[00:12:23] And 

[00:12:23] that evidence gives us that knowledge of competency, and the more competency we have at something, the more that we can say, "Oh, wait a minute. I did it."

[00:12:33] Mm. "I'm doing it." And that's where confidence really is born, is from the habitual behaviors from the things that we do day to day, and from not looking to see, "Oh my gosh, I have so much more to go," but to saying, "Hey, look how far I've come." Mm-hmm. Because we don't always measure where we've been, and that's really what helps us to see our gifts, to understand what we're capable of, and to really be able to build [00:13:00] our confidence just from that evidence and competency.

[00:13:03] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Mm, I love that. And you know what comes to mind for me, 'cause you mentioned something. You mentioned how some people, I can include myself, grew up in an environment that was definitely very dysfunctional and toxic. I come from a third generation of abuse and neglect. Mm-hmm. And so my mother was just so broken she just could not...

[00:13:20] There was no way. She didn't even know how to support me emotionally or love the way, , - she could . Mm-hmm. And so for me, people always say, "Oh, you're so confident." I'm like, "I don't know what you're talking about." Right? Right. I know. Like, I'm not. And I'm always scared, but I'm doing it anyways, but for survival.

[00:13:38] Mm-hmm. So for me, it was a way of survival. Yeah. And I had to go to therapy and, and, you know, sift over- Mm-hmm ... the confidence and survival, , part because if I wasn't in survival, I wasn't doing anything. Mm-hmm. Hearing you, I'm like, okay, you know, is it... Am I doing it 'cause of survival?

[00:13:58] Am I doing it because I [00:14:00] believe in it? Mm-hmm. And, and having to sift through that and know that it's okay to keep doing, but you're right. I'm not- I get scared. 

[00:14:09] Julie DeLucca-Collins: And- Yeah ... yeah. And we need to normalize that. Yes. Talk about that. We need to normalize that. I think that, again, you know, we, we celebrate the wins and we celebrate this Instagrammable- Mm-hmm

[00:14:21] life. I think that sometimes we think, that you have to have it all together to start. You have to know the direction or, , we look at somebody else and assume that they just arrived- Yeah ... easily, without any failures, without any pivots or without any, just uncertainty and- Yeah

[00:14:43] unbelief in themselves. And maybe they had a level of confidence, maybe they had a drive- Mm-hmm ... but ultimately we are all going to fail on the journey, and I think that that's the thing that we need to normalize because we are so easy to [00:15:00] celebrate the wins, but we need to get into the place where we celebrate the uncertainty and the losses.

[00:15:07] You know- Mm-hmm ... one of my favorite things is i- I lived in New York City, and I used to live in the Upper West Side of Manhattan, a block away from Central Park. 

[00:15:16] Mm. One 

[00:15:17] of my favorite times of the year was the New York City Marathon because I lived right where the finish line was, and it was great to see, in the middle of, like, in, in the morning, noon-ish, middle of the afternoon, you would see all the people coming in and ending, and they will have their medals.

[00:15:35] And you would go to a restaurant, and their medals were around them, and that was so fantastic. Later on, I moved to Brooklyn, and I moved right by the Verrazzano Bridge where the - race starts. So I would love it. I would wake up first thing in the morning and go stand out there and watch all the racers come and gone home, ready to go.

[00:15:57] And a couple years ago, and I know [00:16:00] this happens, right? But a couple years ago I watched a video that had me sobbing, and all of a sudden it gave me a different perspective, and the video was of the people that came in last. at the race. And it's dark. It's most people have gone. The, the spectators are not many.

[00:16:26] There's not a lot of people cheering, and they're taking down the things where people stand and cheer, and everything's set up for the finish line. Yeah. But here were coming these people- Yeah ... who started probably 6:00, 7:00 AM. Sometimes you have to go line up at 5:00 AM. Yeah. And it's 8:00, 9:00, 10 o'clock at night.

[00:16:46] Mm. And they're coming- Yeah ... and they're finishing their race. Yeah. And I wish that we made a society in which we cheered just as loud for the people [00:17:00] that come in last than the people that come in first. Not to say and discount that the person that came in first didn't work hard. Yeah. But the person that's coming in last, not only did they train and work hard at the race, but they had to beat the mental anguish of, "I'm gonna fail.

[00:17:19] No one is here. Look at me, I'm coming in last. Who am I to think I could do this?" And my friend, , it's your journey, and it could be very different from the first- Yeah ... placed winner, but give yourself the credit because you went through- Yeah ... the exact same route- Yeah ... that somebody else did. 

[00:17:37] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Oh, that hits close.

[00:17:40] Yeah. And I'll tell you why. Yesterday... 'Cause I've done three marathons, and recently- Mm ... did a relay marathon. I'm not fast at all. Was in cross-country in high school. Never fast at all. So anyways, I sent her a, a Instagram reel, and it's that, uh, [00:18:00] person who, who wins the marathon that runs super fast.

[00:18:03] Actually run into them in Austin when I did the Austin Marathon. Just, they're tiny and- Oh my God ... they're just, like, so fast, like, crazy. Anyways, he was saying in the reel, "It doesn't matter how fast you are." Yeah. "You finished. That's what matters." Yeah. And I told her, "I'm gonna listen to this reel," I tell her, 'cause, 'cause I'm not fast.

[00:18:23] I'll finish in- ... five and a half hours, six hours. And she goes, "Who cares how fast you are?" She says, "You finished it." That's right. "You've done something that a lot of other people haven't done." And I was just like Thank you. You know? It's like, yeah- Mm-hmm ... you're right. And, , here I am, and I'm listening to him, and it's just like, my main motto is slow and steady wins the race.

[00:18:43] I'm just gonna keep on going. 

[00:18:45] Julie DeLucca-Collins: That's right. And, 

[00:18:46] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: and so, yeah, and by no means, I'm not fast. And but- No, I get it. I get it. But I- I've been there too ... do it anyways. And so, yeah- Yeah ... I'll be there, one of the last ones... You know, it's five and a half, six hours, and people are gone and whatnot. But for me, it's [00:19:00] I did it.

[00:19:01] Julie DeLucca-Collins: Yeah. You know? It's an incredible feeling. And you know, I, I will tell you, I've been there, and, often people have heard me talk about I, I did a triathlon. Oh. Not one of these, like, very hard triathlons. It was a sprint triathlon for women, but it's a triathlon nonetheless. Yeah. And I started training for it, and halfway through the training, my mentor, the, the founder of the company that I worked for passed away.

[00:19:25] Mm. And all the responsibilities of being part of the C-suite and traveling and doing a lot of things kinda took over. And it was about April. The race was in, in May, and I thought, "I need to pull out. I haven't been training. I haven't been swimming. I haven't been running for that matter." Yeah. And I was doing this race with a few girlfriends, and they said, "No.

[00:19:49] Come over. ... You're coming. Come to hang out with us. We're a group. Don't worry about it. You'll be fine." And I thought, "Well, if anything, I'm gonna go on a girls' trip." Yeah. [00:20:00] Drove down, brought my bike and everything, right? And now I will tell you, I didn't learn to swim till I was 14, so I'm not a strong swimmer, and I thought, "Well, you know what?

[00:20:12] I'm not a zero, and I'm not a 10. I'm probably a six or seven," 'cause you had to rate yourself. Oh. And as I was standing at the pool- Yeah ... right, all of a sudden, my girlfriends, and we're all standing in line waiting, and you had to stand and wait your turn to jump into the pool, but the people that had rated themselves the highest- Yeah

[00:20:30] were at the beginning of the pool. Okay. And then the gun, you know, was shot, and then they jumped in the pool. And these women, Anita, they were like, oh. 

[00:20:40] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Oh, yeah. 

[00:20:42] Julie DeLucca-Collins: You know, Iron Man women. And I all of a sudden started to panic, and I thought- What am I doing here? Like, what the heck? Like, who do I think I am to be standing here when these women are in front of me and [00:21:00] going to town in this and, like, they're jumping in the water and out the water in a second, where I, I don't even know if I'm gonna float.

[00:21:07] Yeah. And I, and I thought, "Okay, maybe this is... I think I'm, I have enough time to get out of line." And then my friend said, "Honey, those are, like, the marathoners. We are the real people." And he s- and, and she said, "And look at us. We're in the middle of the pack." Yes. "There's people behind us that just learned to do the doggy paddle."

[00:21:28] Oh. And I looked around and I thought, "Oh." And then, of course, waited my turn. I got to my turn, jumped in the water, and here I'm swimming along and I'm like, "Oh, this is great." And the moment I looked to my left and I looked to my right, I was slowed down. That's the moment that I lost traction, I lost momentum.

[00:21:51] Wow. And that is exactly what happens in life. Accept your place in line and know that [00:22:00] with the practice, you can move up. Mm-hmm. And if you stop doing the thing, you're gonna end up farther back. Oh. But ultimately, as you're doing the swim, do the swim and stop looking at everybody else's lane and focus on where you are, and that was one of the biggest lessons in my life.

[00:22:18] And that's part of what I like to share with my clients. This is where you are today. You wanna be in the front of the line, then you gotta put in the hard work. You gotta go be- do the boring stuff. Yeah. You gotta stop getting sidetracked by the world and stay focused and- Wow ... stop telling yourself that, "I'm not there yet," or, you know, or even worse, right?

[00:22:41] Because you talked about this. You said, sometimes we are told these things and- Yeah ... And we haven't seen it. 

[00:22:49] That's what I called a frenemy behavior. Oh. We're very comfortable, right? 'Cause it's a friend, it's comfortable. Mm-hmm. But they're our enemies, these behaviors, because [00:23:00] we hate them.

[00:23:00] They don't help us. They're not getting us- Yes ... to do the thing that we want, so they're frenemy behaviors. And guess what? We're not gonna be able to get rid of them because it's the programming our brain has. Yes. It's the programming. However we can say, "Okay, yeah, I know you have a relationship with this behavior but let me do better.

[00:23:20] I'm gonna hang out with this new behavior and make new friends." Oh. And that's what we need to do as women. 

[00:23:27] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: It's challenging that, yes. Yeah, 100%. Yes. What you're naming here, it's, it really highlighting something important, and it's like women recognizing these patterns, that it's a frenemy, and then- Mm-hmm

[00:23:39] that confidence doesn't automatically flow. It's a habit. Yeah. Yes, and I see that a lot with people pleasers, and they feel stuck, but then they self-doubt- Mm-hmm ... just like in the swimming. Yeah, of course. This is where identity comes in, because confidence isn't- Mm-hmm ... just about mindset.

[00:23:57] It's about- Yeah ... how they see themselves- Yeah ... [00:24:00] and believe they have to be, um- Mm-hmm ... in order to be safe, to be loved, to be confident. From your perspective, how does identity to external validation- Mm-hmm ... begin to erode confidence? 

[00:24:14] Julie DeLucca-Collins: Yeah. My God. Well, first of all, thank you for asking about identity, because identity is the, the little-known secret, and it's this thing that can be yield for good or bad, right?

[00:24:26] Yeah. And to be able to create sustainable change and habits, we have to visualize the person we want to become. Mm-hmm. And borrow the belief from the future self, Julie, and ask Julie, "How did you create a successful business?" Oof. And Julie told me Julie needed to show up. She needed to do the marketing.

[00:24:56] She needed to find clients. She needed to, do the [00:25:00] stuff she didn't wanna do, and becoming her led me to get it. But when we stay stuck in the identity of, "I'm not good enough," or- Mm ... "I could never do that," or, "Who the hell do you think I am to do that?" That identity is gonna prevent you from doing the actions that get you the traction to become confident.

[00:25:25] Mm-hmm. To see that, um, that competency, right? That we've been talking about. Yeah. So identity can go either way. Okay. But it is up to us to decide what identity we wanna leverage. 

[00:25:39] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Okay, okay. Yeah. 

[00:25:41] Julie DeLucca-Collins: And I will tell you again, I, I work with a one of- a lot of women that are people pleasers. Okay. And the question I often ask is, "If you didn't want people to like you all the time, if you didn't have to serve and give to everybody else before you poured into yourself, be- if it didn't [00:26:00] have to be the one who did everything for everyone, what actions, what does that look like?"

[00:26:07] And I think that at times, we validate our worth- Mm-hmm ... by what we do for others. Mm-hmm. Because that's the world, it's saying, "Hey, be the kind girl. Be sweet." But saying no doesn't mean that you're not sweet. It just means that, my God, you're preventing yourself from burnout. Yeah. Because guess what?

[00:26:29] When you burn out and you're no good to anybody else, then that's, you know- Yeah ... you're not gonna be able to take care of anybody else- Yeah. Yeah ... 'cause you can barely take care of yourself. Yeah. So you might as well do the thing in the front end- Yeah ... and say, "You know what? No, I can't do that." Yes. "I can't do that."

[00:26:42] Yes, 

[00:26:43] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: yes. 

[00:26:43] Julie DeLucca-Collins: And in essence, you're helping someone more then. 

[00:26:47] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Yeah. 

[00:26:48] Julie DeLucca-Collins: Yeah. 

[00:26:49] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: One thing I tell my patients, something super simple, a, a small behavior- 'Cause I go, "When does programming start?" I'm like, "It starts when you're itty, bitty, bitty, bitty." I know, right? Because , I'll [00:27:00] tell you this example, and I'm just, like, shocked.

[00:27:02] When I was waiting for the race packet, and this is how I know. Mm-hmm. When, uh, waiting for the race packet in, you know, in the line to pick it up, there's this little girl. It's Valentine's Day, you know, theme. Yeah. And she's wearing beautiful little heart chungitos, and I'm like, "Look at you." So cute. "So beautiful, and you're so cute."

[00:27:20] Yeah. "And look at those chungitos and the heart." And she goes- Mm-hmm ... "I know." Right. I love it, because the- Yeah ... one of the habits I teach my patients is when somebody compliments you, you don't say thank you. Mm-hmm. Because that's a- that's saying- Yeah ... I thank you for the external validation. Right. Try saying something like, "I know.

[00:27:42] I agree." I know, right? Mm-hmm. I, 

[00:27:44] Julie DeLucca-Collins: I say that to my husband all the time. He's like, "Oh, whatever," right? I'm like, "I know," right? Yes. And, and it, it is a practice- Yes ... because here, and, and, and, and you'll appreciate this, because I think that especially in the Latina, uh, background, [00:28:00] you don't wanna be show-off.

[00:28:01] Mm-hmm. No quieres ver vanidosa, right? Si. You don't. A- and when if you say, "Oh, I know," you're basically saying- Look how full of myself I am. Yeah. But because we've been taught that being full of yourself is wrong, when in reality we need to be full of ourselves. How do we become these fierce women? By having the boundaries, by saying, "Yeah, you know what?

[00:28:27] I got it going on, girlfriend." Mm-hmm. And sometimes we don't tell ourselves that. We have to have the emotional fluency- Yeah ... to not suppress emotion that can be good or bad. Because we- we're always saying, okay, it's a good emotion, a bad emotion. It's a neutral emotion. Yeah. And let's not suppress what we're feeling.

[00:28:48] Yeah. Let's just acknowledge what we're feeling. 

[00:28:50] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Yeah. Yes. I love that. The- Yeah ... how are we feeling with this, and talking about the Mexican mindset, well, Latina mindset, , this is how I [00:29:00] knew she hadn't been programmed yet, just yet, because, what happens when they're little and somebody compliments them, the parent- Mm-hmm

[00:29:06] or somebody will say, "¿Qué se dice?" What do you say? 

[00:29:10] Speaker 4: Yes. 100%. 100%. Yes. Yes. 

[00:29:13] Julie DeLucca-Collins: My niece, my niece is 12, and she is the light of my life. And I will tell you that she's gonna be 13, and I have seen the evolution of her journey- Yeah ... as a young woman. And my sister, you know, both her and my brother-in-law are, are phenomenal parents.

[00:29:32] However, right, this is the world coming in- Yeah ... and influencing. Mm-hmm. So my niece, when she was very little, she was two, adorable little girl. She w- she loved to dress up and put the shiny jewelry and dresses. Yeah. My sister is not a girly girl. So this was a big thing, and I taught her the one... I taught her a little trick, and I said, "Hey, Mia, when I take your [00:30:00] picture and I say pose, you pose in the best way possible."

[00:30:05] And I have all these pictures of her posing, posing, and just very free-falling and smiling at the camera. And as she gets older and older, you can see she's not as posing and I think that that's the world. And, and, and this is why I do the work that I do. Yeah. Because not only is there an Amelia out there, but there are hundreds of little girls who are- Yeah

[00:30:34] being told, "¿Qué se dice?" Right? Yes. 

[00:30:38] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Yes. And 

[00:30:38] Julie DeLucca-Collins: I want them to say- Oh, thank you. I've got it going on. Yeah. You know? I know. Look at me pose. Yes. Look at me pose- Yes ... and not be afraid of doing that. 

[00:30:48] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Yes. I love that. And, switching it just real quick, , side note, the boys, I notice this- Mm ... in the boys, when they're little, they're smiling and happy in their pictures.

[00:30:59] Mm-hmm. When [00:31:00] they're adults, they have this serious on their pictures. Yeah. Like, oh yeah, for sure. Yes. Like- Yes ... 

[00:31:05] Julie DeLucca-Collins: don't show the emotion. Yes, exactly. Don't show the emotion. You, you don't wanna be a girl. You don't want, you don't wanna be a girl and show emotion. And then that creates this thing in our society that- Yeah

[00:31:15] It is bad to be a girl to have emotion. Yes. And for girls, it's bad to be angry. That's right. Yeah. 

[00:31:23] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Wow. , , I know you talked about emotional healing- Mm-hmm ... and, uh, habitual and behavior change, and knowing this programming and how they're changing, let's talk about the stuckness that- Mm

[00:31:35] women get. Why, from your perspective, do you think that they stay stuck even though when they, they know better? 

[00:31:42] Julie DeLucca-Collins: Mm. Because it's very hard to trust ourself. We don't have that radical self-trust. Okay. And, you know, when we trust ourselves and we say, "You know what? I've got my back," we are basically contradicting the expectations of the world.

[00:31:59] We're [00:32:00] contradicting the trends. We're contradicting the advice of people that we love and people that cared for us, of our caretakers. Yeah. And ultimately, I think that that's what, you know, not to say... And, and by the way, I, my grandmother, deep respect for her, and she was an independent woman. But there's a lot of times that I go back and I think, whose voice is it, right?

[00:32:24] Mm-hmm. And I have a lot of voices from my childhood, but the things that made me the person that doubted myself, made me the person that is uncertain, were afraid of what people were going to think, come from those. So I had to, and I, and it's not a perfect practice, but it's a practice. Yeah. And it's believing in myself.

[00:32:45] Right. That radical self-trust. And, and again, I don't want someone to think like, "Oh my God, this girl's got it going on." No, honey, I's have my mornings that I sit in bed and I think, "Ugh, how do I get up? How do I get going? I, [00:33:00] I, the world is against me." And as soon as I start to think that, I say, "No." I am for me, and it doesn't matter what comes my way.

[00:33:08] I am for me. I am my best- Yeah ... advocate. Yes. I know that I will handle whatever happens- Yeah ... today. And even on the worst days, the day my dad died, the day I found out my mom was on the ground for eight hours and was in the hospital- Oh ... with a broken hip, the day that I got divorced, I reminded myself, I've got this.

[00:33:29] Mm. I've done it before with a countless other things and I will figure it out and that's the radical self-trust that we need to have in ourselves. Yeah. Because if you don't have it in yourself, nobody else will. 

[00:33:42] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Oh, that was beautiful. It's facing that fear of the unknown- Of course ... and doing it anyways.

[00:33:49] Julie DeLucca-Collins: Doing it anyway. 

[00:33:50] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Yes. Absolutely. And that's what I tell myself when I have those days like, "Okay, I know I have to do this, do this, do that," and then things- Yeah ... just like hit the fan and, it's like, oh, what is [00:34:00] the day- Mm-hmm ... gonna bring me? And, , I'll just go like, "Oh my gosh," and then I'm like, "There's no other way.

[00:34:05] This is me." No 

[00:34:06] Julie DeLucca-Collins: other way. 

[00:34:07] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Yeah. That's right. That's my identity. Mm-hmm. And I'm an advocate 'cause before- Yeah ... for women they would call me arrogant. They would call me, you know, the B word. They would call me- Mm-hmm ... difficult and I didn't know that meant advocate . 

[00:34:22] Grace: And in Part 2… We ask the real question?

[00:34:24] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: How do you practice that love of, your identity with valuing yourself without- Mm-hmm ... self-abandoning yourself? 

[00:34:31] Grace: We answer it.

[00:34:32] We talk radical self-trust, identity shifts, and how to rebuild confidence in real life — without losing yourself in the process.

[00:34:40] Cedric: Stop Waiting to Be Chosen

[00:34:42] Part 2: How to Rebuild Confidence in Real Life

[00:34:45]