In Love with PMDD
Welcome to the In Love with PMDD Podcast, I am your Host Dr. Rose Alkattan, your PMDD Relationship Psychotraumatologist. Each week, I will be teaching you my signature PMDD Trauma Transformational Tools where I help PMDD Partners to STOP Breaking up every month. We Got This!
In Love with PMDD
The Danger of Familiarity in PMDD Relationships: Breaking the Cycle
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Have you fallen into the trap of taking your partner for granted? When comfort turns to complacency, even the strongest PMDD relationships can crumble.
Relationships where one partner has Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder come with unique challenges that require extraordinary patience and understanding. Yet over time, we often become dangerously familiar with each other's efforts. That morning text that once made your day becomes expected. The way your partner adapts to your changing needs throughout your cycle seems ordinary rather than remarkable. The boundaries you established early on get casually violated because "what's the big deal just this once?"
This familiarity creates a slippery slope. Communication deteriorates first—partners stop checking in consistently or assume silence means everything's fine. Boundaries erode when comfort replaces mindfulness. Perhaps most damaging is how disrespectful communication gradually becomes normalized: "This is just how we talk to each other when we're upset." Each small instance of taking your partner for granted accumulates into significant resentment.
For relationships affected by PMDD, this pattern is particularly destructive. The cyclical nature of symptoms means unresolved issues compound month after month until even the most committed partnerships break under the strain. Worse still, when children witness these dynamics, they internalize them as normal relationship models for their future.
Breaking this cycle requires intention. Regular emotional check-ins, consistent appreciation for your partner's specific qualities, respecting established boundaries, and developing tools for healthy conflict resolution all help maintain the connection that brought you together initially. Remember—being in a PMDD relationship requires work, but the deep love and care that individuals with PMDD typically bring makes that effort worthwhile.
Don't wait until your partner walks away to recognize their value. What will you appreciate about them today?
The Trap of Familiarity
Speaker 1Today I want to talk to you about one of the traps that you can get into in your PMDD relationship. That can cause a lot of dissatisfaction, and I have been through this so many times that I think, going into my dating experience after being in PMDD relationships in the past and having experience with different partners, different kinds of partners it really while having premenstrual dysphoric disorder it really helped me understand like the pattern, especially with working with clients. There's a pattern of this happening in PMDD relationships and I was like, let me try to understand how this is a bad thing. You know, when you get to know someone when you're dating and then you get in a relationship, you get to this point where you get really comfortable and I always thought that getting comfortable in a relationship, getting familiar with your partner in a relationship, was a good thing. It's like, oh, I finally can let my guard down, I don't have to play in any of these games, you know, with dating and there's no love bombing, there's no, you know, representative, like a person. That's like a better version of themselves that they're presenting, but they're really a lesser version, like I thought, by being really familiar and comfortable. A lesser version, like I thought, by being really familiar and comfortable was a good thing, and I didn't understand the dangers of how it can really impact a PMDD relationship.
Speaker 1And I'm going to talk to you about that today, because I've made this mistake of getting too familiar with my partner, and what I mean by that is I have been in places where I've taken things for granted that certain partners have done, certain individuals that I've dated have done, and I just assumed oh, this is what you do, like when you're in a relationship and you like a person, you love a person, you care about a person, you do these things, and so I didn't tend to put the focus on gratitude as far as certain things that they were doing, because I just assumed that everybody did them Like if you like me, you love me, you care about me, any of those things like you're going to do these things. But that's not true. And when you get too familiar, it can lead to a lot of challenges in your PMDD relationship, because when you have premenstrual dysphoric disorder, the requirement of your partner is different from an individual who doesn't have PMDD, and I'm going to reemphasize that If you have premenstrual dysphoric disorder, the requirements of being in a relationship with you is going to be different from being with someone who doesn't have PMDD. And that's not to blame you or shame you for something that you didn't ask for, for a disorder that you didn't ask for, but it's for you to be self-aware that when you're dating and or in a relationship with someone and or married to someone, committed to someone, and you have PMDD, there's going to be additional requirements of your partner that are going to need to be there in order for you to have a fulfilling relationship where both of your needs are met. Otherwise, you're going to be miserable. And so what I mean by that is, when you have PMDD, you really have to number one as the individual who's suffering with PMDD, to number one as the individual who's suffering with PMDD. You have to be aware, you have to be very self-aware of what it is that you need in every given moment, because it changes In your luteal phase.
Speaker 1One day you could need a lot of attention and affection and validation, and then the next day you could want to be completely isolated and want to be alone. Want to be completely isolated and want to be alone, and your partner has to ride that wave. Your partner has to deal with the ebbs and flows, the ups and downs of what it is that you need in and out of your luteal phase. Like you may go into your follicular phase and you want all the attention, all the affection, all the validation, all of the things that your partner probably loves, that you love, and then you go into your luteal phase and you just want to be alone. You want to lock yourself in the room. You feel like being in a relationship is a mistake because it's too overwhelming. You're so hypervigilant to anything that can go wrong in the relationship that you're not even enjoying the relationship. And then you get back into your follicular phase, because we're on a cycle. You get back to your follicular phase and now you love it again.
Understanding PMDD Relationship Requirements
Speaker 1And so, number one, you have to recognize what you're requiring of the individual that doesn't have premenstrual dysphoric disorder is for them to fluctuate as you fluctuate, meaning. When I want you to love me, you need to be there to love me. When I need you to give me space, you need to be there to give me space. It's like a remote control. It's like picking a show on Netflix. It's like pressing play and pause and you're asking someone to shift and change their life and their emotions and their desires and their needs. To meet your needs because you have premenstrual dysphoric disorder and again going into a relationship or being in a relationship with someone who has PMDD, it is you have to be intentional about keeping your eye on why you're in the relationship in the first place, because if you're not really clear on why you're in the relationship in the first place, because if you're not really clear on why you're there, what the purpose is, what the vision is just like any company, if a company isn't clear.
Speaker 1Because one of my other billion jobs is HR and human resources, I'm a human resources director and what I do is when I go into a company, I understand what the CEO's mission, their vision, is for this organization, and I work with multiple organizations where I'm understanding the core of what it is that they want to convey to their clients, to their clientele, with their product, and I'm getting to know that so that I can make sure that anybody that is hired by me is reflecting that. The same thing is going to happen in your PMDD relationship. You have to make sure that who you're choosing to be your partner is going to reflect what it is that you're going to need in any phase of your cycle, but it's work. Anyone that tells you that being in a PMDD relationship is supposed to be easy, breezy and it's supposed to be so easy and if it's difficult, then you're not compatible, maybe you shouldn't be together, maybe you should just be single. No, it's work, but it's worth it. No, it's work, but it's worth it.
Speaker 1All of the individuals that I counsel, that I have worked with, that have premenstrual dysphoric disorder, are the most caring and loving and they love deeply, they care deeply, they don't want this disorder and they're just really good individuals. And I'm not saying that because I'm one of them, because I'm an individual who has PMDD. I just know that when I get to the root, when I chip away at their suffering and I really get to the root of who they are which is what I had to do for my dissertation interviewing so many individuals that have PMDD they're really good people, and not saying that other people aren't good people, but I mean they have a deep. Everyone is different. Everyone who has PMDD is different, but they have this giant heart that genuinely wants to love someone, which is why they're choosing to be in a PMDD relationship that genuinely wants to love someone, which is why they're choosing to be in a PMDD relationship. Anyone can find out that they have PMDD and decide to be single.
Speaker 1But you're in a relationship for a reason and when you go into it and you're picking a partner, some of you have picked a partner before you even recognize that you had PMDD. I've done that so many times earlier in my journey I didn't know I had PMDD. I picked a partner based off of how I felt in the moment in the phase of the cycle that I was in, and then, when it became difficult, sometimes I would be like, oh, they're the problem, they're the problem, they're the problem. So if you're dating and you have PMDD, that can be a thing where you meet someone in a certain phase of your cycle and you're all of a sudden feeling like everybody else is the problem, without really recognizing that you're feeling off in the moment. And it's not for you to just automatically know, because if you don't know that you have PMDD, you don't know that. You need to have this radar on that's monitoring how your emotions are and how you feel in any given moment. But there are certain times where I have dated individuals, been in relationship with individuals and I'm looking at my journey now, where I'm so self-aware, I'm so clear on what PMDD is in my life, because it's different for everyone. Pmdd is in my life because it's different for everyone and if you're my private client, you know that I really get to know you with PMDD, not just a cookie cutter like oh, this is what the big medical books say that PMDD is, so this is what you should be experiencing. I get to know you and I get to know how PMDD is affecting your specific PMDD relationship. And for me. I noticed that I took a lot of my past partners for granted in certain areas and I got because I was too familiar, like there. So, for example, communication Communication is huge for me, huge for me in relationships.
Speaker 1I'm a communicator. I like to communicate via writing. I like to communicate via talking. I like to communicate via video messaging and vlogging. I just love to communicate in relationships. Some people need that desire that want that all the time, and then some people are like just check in when you check in and then I'm good. I'm a person where when you communicate with me, it fuels the connection that we have, whether that's written communication. I've been long distance with partners where we've done like the video messaging thing where you like I forgot the name of this app, but it's basically where you cause I vlog a lot. If you're not following me on Instagram Dr Rose underscore in love with Dr Rose underscore in love with PMDD. Or on TikTok, same thing. I vlog a lot of my journey.
Communication: The Foundation of Connection
Speaker 1So when I get into a relationship or I'm dating someone, I want it to be as close to a human interaction as possible, because I value authentic connection. Yes, I could send you a text. Yes, I could call you. Yes, I could do these things and email you, which I've done before over the years where we sent like email letters. But I feel like video really translates. Video or audio really translates to how a person is feeling in the moment, because if the other one is intuitive, they'll be able to pick up on.
Speaker 1Yeah, I hear that you're saying that you're good, but it sounds like you're a little bit off, or I'm used to hearing you this way, like what's going on right now, like I want you to be that close to me to where you can pick up, by the tone of my voice, what's going on, if there's something troubling me, if there's, like I desire that, that level of intimacy when I'm dating or in a relationship. And so when I've had partners in the past that have been really, really good with communication, I took it for granted. I was like, oh, this is what all people do when they like, like you and care about you, want to be with you, all the things. And then I started dating and I noticed that's not a thing Like. Some people are just not really good.
Speaker 1Not good, they're not good communicators for me. They may be good for what it is that they desire, but for me, more than a day like if we're dating, more than a day of not communicating is not acceptable. And I remember I had a friend, or I have a friend, and she's completely the opposite. She's like, oh, if they take a day like, they probably have this going on, like they'll make excuses for them and their mind so it doesn't bother them, or they don't need to talk to a person you know every single day in order to feel connected, because they're just going off of the last communication. And then they're good and I'm just like, how do you like, if I'm dating you or I'm in a relationship with you, there's no way on Bob's green earth that I'm not communicating with you. Like, what are you talking about? Like we're in a relationship and I haven't heard from you in 24 hours.
Speaker 1What happens in my mind and I've noticed this with dating that if I don't hear from you in 24 hours, I think we're done. I'm like, oh, we're done. We're obviously not in a relationship, because the relationship you know what the person is doing at all times. Whether you're with the person or you're communicating with the person, you kind of get to know them, you get to know their schedule. But if I don't hear from you in a day, I'm like, oh, okay, so you're not feeling this. And then when you try to come back I've noticed that in dating, when you try to come back days later and then pick up on the communication that you had before, I'm already over it. Once you break the communication, I'm not a person that you can kind of like, do the hokey pokey with, push your right foot in and like I'm gonna do this for a little bit and then, oh, I'm busy, so I'm not gonna do it anymore.
Speaker 1Consistency is very important for me because I never want an individual to start something that they can't follow through with. If you text me good morning, good night, good afternoon, good evening. Like at a certain time I'm gonna be expecting that. If I'm going to be expecting that, if you choose to not do that and then you want to go back, if you choose to not do that, I'm fine with it, but if you choose to not do it and then you want to go back to doing it again, I'm like I'm very confused. I'm like I thought you didn't have time, like I don't. That's for me, that's like a mind game, because I'm a very routine, ritual person and I'm just sharing this with you to let you know that I took for granted those individuals that were very consistent, very disciplined with communication.
Speaker 1They were very much like if I'm going to text you good morning, I'm going to text you good morning, regardless, and I've had partners that have done that in the past. Whether we are in an argument, whether we're in a disagreement, whether we're feeling great about each other, like it didn't matter. They were committed to communicating regardless, and I value that, and I literally thought all people would do that until I learned that people are very controlled by their emotions, so much that if they're in a good mood, they're going to communicate like they're in a good mood, and if they're not in a good mood, they're going to communicate like they're in a good mood, and if they're not in a good mood, they're going to communicate like they're not in a good mood. I can't deal with the inconsistencies. So one of the things that happen when you get too familiar with your PMDD partner and you get to the point where you're just like and by PMDD partner I mean the individual that has PMDD or the individual that doesn't it's easy to stop communication. Right, you're gonna assume oh, my partner knows that I'm gonna say good morning to them, so I'm just not gonna do it. Or my partner knows that I'm gonna do that, and so you stop doing the things that could maybe be a safe place for them, like, I really encourage you to be very cognizant, mindful of different areas, and we're going to go over this today.
Speaker 1So the first one is communication. How does my partner and if you're journaling or taking notes, these are good questions to ask, because it's what I do in my private sessions. So it's what kind of communication does my partner need? Do they want consistent communication all throughout the day? Do they want, you know, communication in the morning and night Are we living together, so we're kind of not feeling the need to set those kind of, like you know, staples on when we're going to communicate, like find out what makes the most safe and comfortable and connected, safe, comfortable, connected, safe because you want to feel like, regardless of what's happening in the relationship, you're not at harm for things like jealousy and fidelity, all of these things that could come in. You need to be communicating If you don't want jealousy and and all these things. You need to be communicating in a way that you're on the boundary of I'm communicating with you, that you feel the most comfortable and the most safe with our connection. What kind of communication would you need in order to know that I'm all in?
Speaker 1Because there's a lot of partners that I've had in the past, or people that I've dated too, where they've been totally into me, completely into me, but they're just not telling me all the time, right, and so I remember I broke it off with someone and they were shocked because they're like what are you talking about? I'm like the communicator, like I thought we were done, I thought we were done, and they're like no, like I've just been busy, but I'm only dating you, I only want to be with you, like what are you talking? And for me, if you show me that when you get busy, your level of communication is going to fluctuate, I can't deal with that because I will get so used to the way that you are in your good days. And again, this is for the partner that doesn't have PMDD or does. I'll get used to you in that state and then, if you switch it up, I'll think that something's wrong.
Speaker 1So if you're just like what's the big deal? I didn't have time, or blah, blah, like some people can deal with that, I can't. So it's a matter of understanding. It's not that I can't because I can. I don't desire to. That's not the kind of relationship that would make me feel safe, where I feel like the way that we communicate is going to be predicated upon your emotional state. And what I mean by that is if we're in a good place, you're willing to communicate with me. If we're not in a good place, you're giving me the silent treatment. Absolutely not. You're stonewalling me Like I'm still in a place where I'm, you know, like hey, blah, blah, blah, and you're just like no, because you're not good.
Speaker 1And what I took for granted was partners that could really get beyond their feelings, get beyond how they really felt about me in the moment because of maybe disagreements that we've had in a relationship or maybe how they were feeling, or maybe they're tired or maybe they're stressed out. They didn't care. They were very disciplined in their communication and I remember taking that for granted because I was like, yeah, of course they're going to communicate with me Like they're my partner. But when I recognized that that was a trait that they had to work really hard to do, then I really was like, wow, I should have appreciated that more.
Speaker 1When you get too familiar with your partner, you tend to not treat them as they deserve to be treated, in a way of magnifying the qualities that they have and provide for the relationship. Like if I would have known what I know now, in that previous relationship I would have continuously said to them like how appreciative I was of their communication style. Like I love that you make me feel safe. I love that I know when I call your phone or I text you like you're always gonna respond, regardless of the state of the relationship. Like there's some people where if you're not doing good, they're turning off their location on the phone, they're not answering your text messages. You're not doing like that. For me is I cannot, I cannot, I will not deal with that because I feel like it's too overwhelming for me.
Speaker 1But there's some people that that's the way they deal with communication, and when you're too familiar with a person, a person that would never do that knows how much it impacts you. And even if they're mad at you, even if they're disappointed in you, even if they're hurt by you, they never want to take you to that place of feeling the way it feels to be reaching out to your partner and not being able to be in communication with them Like that. For me, that's the worst feeling ever, where you're going through something, you're not on the same page, and then you're like, I want to sleep tonight. So like, let me just have one last conversation with my partner, because we really didn't end things in a good way, like, as far as their last conversation, let me talk to them and then they're ignoring you, they put the phone on, do not disturb, or they're not answering your calls, and then now you can't sleep.
Boundaries and Familiarity
Speaker 1Your whole life is going to be impacted by individuals who don't use this rule of just saying you know what, regardless of what's happening in our PMDD relationship, like I'm going to be there to communicate with you, I'm not going to shut down communication because I'm feeling a certain way and I took that for granted for all of the partners that I've had that have because you have to get beyond yourself. It's a very selfless thing to be like I don't feel like talking to this person, but I know that they're probably needing to talk to me, so I'm just going to go ahead and have the conversation. I appreciate that and I know what it feels like to not have that. And I because I got too familiar with the level of communication that previous partners have given me. And so the next thing that happens is when you get too familiar is you start disrespecting boundaries. This is so huge in PMDD relationships because this can lead to your partner unintentionally overstepping boundaries, and this could be emotional boundaries, physical boundaries, psychological boundaries In the context of PMDD. Basically, when you have said something, like when I'm in my luteal phase, this is a boundary that I have, and you don't even have to say it that it's a boundary. It could be just like I need to have a morning routine or I need to have an evening routine or I need to have an hour of the day or I need to have something, whatever it is that you're saying that you need in PMDD and you're telling it to your partner. When they get really familiar and familiarity grows and they get really comfortable, they could start running all over that, which has happened to me a lot of times where I've entered into relationships and been very self-aware and it's like, hey, I have premenstrual dysphoric disorder, I have a morning routine and I need to do my morning routine regardless, regardless of what's going on. I'm not going to be at my best if I don't get a chance to do my morning routine. So in the beginning they're like oh yeah, of course. Like do your morning routine, blah, blah, blah. But then over time, when they get really familiar, they may be like oh well, what's the big deal? Like let's just have breakfast before you do your morning routine, or let's just lay in and you not do your morning routine for once.
Speaker 1Like it's you being with someone who is overstepping the boundary that you put in place when initially they respected it, overstepping the boundary that you put in place when initially they respected it, and then they got familiar with you and then they all of a sudden didn't respect it. So this is where a lot of the disrespect happens, and it happens subtly, so you'll allow it. You're like, oh, that you can make. I used to make excuses for it. That's what I did. I made up stories in my mind as to why they were disrespecting me and overstepping my boundaries. Because of familiarity. I'm like, oh, they just want to spend time with me. Or oh, they didn't mean it. Or oh, even though you know that you clearly communicated to them that this was a boundary and they were respecting the boundary, then all of a sudden they disrespected the boundary by pretending like it didn't exist, and then you started making excuses for it Over time. This is gonna be really damaging because you're gonna start to let go of a lot of things that keep you together.
Speaker 1If I don't have my morning routine, my evening routine, whatever routines that I need for that period of the day and I know for me it's morning for a lot of my clients this evening, it could be midday, it could be whenever I say I'm feeling overwhelmed. I need this to be the reality of the state that I'm in. Like I need to be able to have the freedom to do this. If you're communicating that to your partner and initially they're like yeah, of course, like, I completely understand. And then all of a sudden, when it leads to them not getting their needs met, it's a problem. Then it's because they're too familiar. They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you have that boundary, but what about me? I need my needs met. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're doing this, but what about me? I need my needs met. That's normally what it is is, if you stop doing something for them that is going to meet their needs, then all of a sudden, your boundaries are an issue, your boundaries are a problem.
Speaker 1I was in that situation where I was with someone that wanted to connect really, really early in the morning and that was right when I needed to do my morning routine in order to make sure that I was at my best, and so they were forcing me to make a choice. And because they got so familiar with how I was, I started to let go of my boundaries, loosen the reins and started to not do my morning routine and pour into them, and they got so familiar that they didn't even act appreciative when I did that. They knew how much it took out of me to not do my morning routine and go immediately into pouring into them. But they took it for granted. And that's the next thing that can happen when you get too familiar the things that your partner is doing for you. You're taking it for granted and saying, of course, of course they're doing this, they're my partner, of course they're doing this, they're my husband, they're my wife, they're my partner.
Speaker 1Whatever I know, you may be in a situation where you don't have to work. Your partner works. They pay all the bills, they handle all of the financials. You are free to be a stay-at-home mom, to be a stay-at-home wife, to be a stay-at-home husband, to be a stay-at-home whatever it is, or a stay-at-home partner, because your other partner is out there working and instead of you appreciating that and showing your consistent appreciation and by consistent appreciation I mean ongoing, not just once a year or once in a blue moon you're like oh, thank you for allowing me to be a stay-at-home individual. It takes a lot out of the other partner that has to bear the burden of handling all the bills, handling all the finances. Yes, you may pay the bills, but I'm talking about bringing in the revenue, bringing in the income, making sure that the household is taken care of.
Speaker 1That's a lot of pressure, whether you're whatever partner you are the partner that has PMDD or the partner that doesn't it's a lot of pressure to think that you are taking on the livelihood of not just one person, aka yourself, but two people, and maybe three or four people if you have kids, and so they don't have the luxury of just winging it. There was a time in my life where I was single, no kids, and hey, if I had a gig I was good, if I didn't I was fine, I could kind of live off the land and survive. I was super young and I loved to travel and I was backpacking and all of these things and I kind of was like I could be in this place of like all of these things and I kind of was like I could be in this place of like I could take it or leave it. But when you have a family and you feel that level of responsibility of I'm taking care of not just myself but other individuals, when you take care of just one human, whether it's a child or another adult, that's a lot of pressure. And so when you're in a PMDD relationship, you could take it for granted. You're falling into the rhythm of they're paying the bills, they're giving you money every single month. They're doing all this and you are completely assuming that your partner's always going to be there, they're always going to be understanding, they're always going to be supportive, they're always going to meet your needs.
Taking Your Partner For Granted
Speaker 1All of these things and it causes you to have a lack of appreciation for the effort that your partner is not only putting in and supporting the relationship, but the effort in being in the relationship, because you get the freedom of being in the relationship without having to work. You get a chance to wake up in the morning and decide what it is that you're going to do with the day. Yes, you may have responsibilities with the child or the children, or the dogs or the cats or the animals. You have those kind of responsibilities. But you also have the freedom of that where someone has to go out and work and support the household, and this is just one example.
Speaker 1It may be another situation where you just assume that your partner is very empathetic and they're always asking you how you're feeling and they're always supporting you emotionally. They're always your sounding board. Whenever you have something really overwhelming going on, they're always there to talk to you, to talk you off the ledge, to make sure that you feel safe, make sure you feel loved and comfortable, and you can take that for granted. Think about right now. Think about the things that your partner is doing that you could potentially be taking for granted.
Speaker 1I know, and probably in every relationship that I've had, I can pick one thing that a partner has done that I've just gotten too familiar. Yes, I appreciated it in the beginning, but then, as time went by, I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's just what they do. And it wasn't intentional, it was a subconscious thing, because I was so comfortable with the value that they were bringing to my relationship that I just assumed that, yes, of course it's what I deserve and it's what I desire, and they're doing it to make me happy. So you know all the things. But I didn't feel the need to overly extend my appreciation for it past the first couple of months because I'm like, oh, that's just who they are, like they're always checking in on me, they text me every day, they text me all day. They asked me did I eat? They ask me all these things. Like I value that so much, but I didn't value it when I had it, I valued it.
Speaker 1When it was taken away and it was replaced with individuals that didn't know how to communicate. Going back to communication yours, my best friend's, hers is acts of service, right, so it all ties into your love languages. She loves an individual that's going to get up, that's going to cut the grass, go pick up the groceries or order lunch or order dinner or make plans or do things that make her life easier, like she values that. And when you get with someone who automatically does that, you could take it for granted, you can really take it for granted. And so the next thing that can happen when you have this level of familiarity, you can become complacent when it comes to emotionally connecting with your partner.
Emotional Connection and Complacency
Speaker 1Let me ask you this question when is the last time that you and your partner have really connected emotionally? Not emotionally over a fight, over an argument, over negative emotions, but when have you connected emotionally? When have you felt so intimate with your partner, so close that you talked about a situation or you talked about how you were feeling and you felt so close to them because you felt like they really understood you and you were able to connect on that. That is so important in PMDD relationships because when you're in this place of dealing with the ups and downs of being in the luteal phase, for the partner that has PMDD and the partner that doesn't, it can trigger feelings of isolation, where one partner says you know, this is too much for me, I can't deal with this, or the other partner says I'm suffering too much, I can't deal with the suffering of PMDD and the relationship. So then you lower your emotional connection, you don't put any effort towards connecting emotionally because, honestly, you think that they're not going anywhere.
Speaker 1How many times have you felt so comfortable in your relationship because you genuinely felt like your partner wasn't going anywhere? You felt like, regardless of what I've done, what I do, they're not going anywhere. That's a dangerous place to be because it gives you the freedom to react anyway, act or react anyway in the relationship without ever thinking that I've gone too far. You don't have any boundaries. You don't have any non-negotiables, like, regardless of how I'm feeling in the moment, I'm not going to call them out of their name, I'm not going to yell at them, I'm not going to curse at them, I'm not going to do this. You don't have that boundary set because you genuinely feel like they're not going anywhere.
Speaker 1Maybe you've been in the PMDD relationship where it's gotten verbally abusive and they've stayed, and so now you're in a situation where you're like, oh, if I did that, because your brain is very strategic, if I did that before and they didn't go anywhere, then I could pretty much do anything. Because you may be thinking to yourself if someone did that to me, I would be out. But the fact that they're still here lets me know that I don't need to change, because they love me, they care about me, they want to be with me. So, regardless of how I treat them, they're still going to be there. And you may not be in that place where you're willing to admit it, but your actions are showing that you may not say it out of your mouth and say like, hey, you can nag me, you can yell at me, cuss at me, all the things. You're still going to be in this bed tonight. You can say you're going to leave me, you can break up with me every single month, but you're still going to be back. You're still going to be back. You're going to begin to, when you get so familiar with this, you're going to begin to take your partner for granted and be like they're going to have these emotions and we're still going to be in this relationship. Take your partner for granted and be like they're going to have these emotions and we're still going to be in this relationship. So I really don't need to take anything that they're saying seriously, because they're pretty much going to be in this relationship regardless.
Speaker 1And I've been in this place a lot of times before where it's happened to me, where I've warned, given warnings, like hey, I can't continue this relationship like this, like I can't do this because of this reason. And I've literally laid it out. And these are the changes that I feel need to happen and what are your thoughts on it. What are things that you want changed? Like I've had the open communication and, because I had it again and again and again, and I've given chance after chance after chance, they're like, oh, she's not going anywhere. And then, when I finally do, they're completely shocked. They're like, oh my gosh, I can't believe this relationship is ending. I can't believe we're breaking up. It's like I've been talking to you about this forever, but you got too comfortable, too familiar. You were looking at the fact that I was putting up with certain things and you literally thought you could do whatever and I wasn't going anywhere.
Speaker 1Because here's the thing when you value someone, whether it's I'll give you a perfect example, taking it outside of a PMDD relationship If I value a job because the job is paying me, let's just say, a half a million dollars a year I'm saying that because I say in the Silicon Valley, these people are rich. Okay, you have to be rich to live here. Like there's no way. And I'm like okay, you're going to pay me a half a million or a million dollars a year. I value this job because there's a lifestyle that is attached to the job.
Speaker 1And so if someone kept saying like, oh, you're being late, if you keep being late, like we're going to have to let you go, but then you're late again and they don't let you go, and so you're just like, okay, like every time they say it, you're like okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you keep being late. And then one day you go to scan your badge in, because everything here is automated. You can't get anywhere without like a fob or a badge and you go to scan your badge and it doesn't go through and you get an error message and you're like, what's going on? I can't get into my office. It's like, oh no, we had to let you go because we you know, we warned you that if you continuously were late, like you know, we're going to have to let you go. And then you act so shocked and you're like, oh my goodness, what are you talking about?
Speaker 1You did what a lot of individuals do in relationships you got too comfortable because the consequences weren't enforced. This is what happens when you throw things. So I would advise you to be very mindful of the consequences that you throw out, because if you're not willing to follow through on them, then they're going to sound like a fraud. They're going to get too familiar with you If you keep saying I'm not going to be able to be with you if you do this, and then they do it, and then you're still in the relationship. Now they're too familiar. Now they're like, okay, well, I just pretty much have to get through this argument, listen to you, nag me and yap and say whatever, and then we're just going to go back to how we normally are. You're getting too familiar with the dysfunction in the relationship. So there's no desire to change, no desire or intention to change because you feel like the person.
Speaker 1So then what you end up doing is you overlook their emotional needs, their emotional and their physical and their financial, their spiritual, all of the things, whatever it is that your partner is needing in the relationship when you're so familiar with them. You're overlooking it. Oh, they pay all the finances, of course they can pay it. Like, if they lose their job, they'll just get another job. Like they're all the finances, of course they can pay it. Like, if they lose their job, they'll just get another job. Like they're always gonna support me emotionally.
Speaker 1Oh, they're so needy, they're so clingy, like they just need to find something else to do. You're ignoring it. Oh, their physical needs? Oh, my body hurts, I have aches, I have symptoms, I don't feel like it, like I'll, whenever I feel like doing it, they'll be all right. You're ignoring it and dismissing it, and this is dangerous because during their most vulnerable moments, these are the things that they need, your partner, whether they have PMDD or they don't. They need tenderness, they need support, they need affection, attention, validation. Ignoring those needs is gonna lead to bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness. Those are the three killers of PMDD relationships, and it's going to lead to that because you're going to assume that if you don't give your partner what it is that they need, that they're just going to find a way to figure out on how to meet their own needs.
Speaker 1What's the point? I remember being that's what ended one of my relationships, one of my PMDD relationships. I said what is the point of being in this relationship if I have to meet all my own needs? Like this is a scam. I'm literally in this relationship. I'm meeting my needs emotionally. I'm meeting my needs physically. I'm meeting my needs financially. I'm meeting my needs physically. I'm meeting my needs financially. I'm meeting my needs spiritually. I'm doing all the things that I desire and deserve for myself. So what is the point of me being connected to someone? Because I know if I'm connected to someone, I'm pouring into them. So not only am I meeting all of my own needs, but I'm also meeting a big bulk of theirs too.
Speaker 1Like you don't see the value in your relationship when you realize that you're the only one meeting all your needs because you're so, your partner has gotten so familiar, and like, oh, you're so self-sufficient. Like I could be in this relationship and they could, you know, pay all their bills. I could be in this relationship and they could not require me to communicate it and connect with them emotionally, like I could just give them the bare minimum. Good morning, good night. This is what I'm doing today. Make it all about me. I don't have to pour into feeling close and intimate with them because they're not going anywhere.
Speaker 1When you feel like your partner's not going anywhere, that's a very dangerous place to be because they a lot of times they end up going somewhere. Every single time someone has taken me for granted because they've gotten too familiar, because they thought I wasn't going anywhere. I went somewhere. I saw the pattern. I was like, wow, I could bring anything up to you and you're not even willing to change. Because I make you feel so good about yourself that you genuinely think that you're not even willing to change. Like you, because I make you feel so good about yourself that you genuinely think that you're irreplaceable and that I'm just gonna just deal with the breadcrumbs, because I know that's.
Speaker 1One of the things that I had to be very self-aware with is that, even when my needs aren't being met, I was able to put my partners on a pedestal and make them feel like they were doing things that they genuinely weren't doing. So what's the point of working for it if you're already getting the accolades of doing the things? And what I mean by that is I'm like, oh, you're such a supportive PMDD partner, you're so this and you're so that. And they weren't. I was trying to, like, speak it into existence. They actually weren't, but because I was already giving them the validation they were so comfortable, so familiar with getting that validation that it's like why would I give any extra effort if I'm already getting the accolades for something that I'm genuinely not doing? And so the next thing that can happen is there's this increased reactivity.
Speaker 1So you start saying whatever you want to say out of your mouth because you're so familiar with your partner. This I have a big thing with using cuss words, profanity, whatever you want to say it, and not in, not as a person, but like at me, like if you and I don't. You know this is a clean podcast and I've talked to you about this before that I have my podcast clean because there's so many individuals that are so young, at the age of 13, and they have PMDDs. I want to keep this clean. I don't want it to be blocked by them, but I don't have an issue with an individual that uses profanity. I have clients that do it. I don't get offended, I'm not approved. Whatever I'm talking about, using cuss words towards me, using profanity towards me.
When Disrespect Becomes Normal
Speaker 1When you feel so comfortable, when you feel so familiar, you may start to talk to an individual crazy in a relationship and call them out of their name or say something or say F? You, or say blah, blah, blah, and you this and you that, and you're saying all of these things about them because you're comfortable, because you know that the of these things about them, because you're comfortable, because you know that the, because you almost want them to get to a point where they're desensitized to that vulgar language, that lack of filter. It's going to lead to a lot of hurtful comments. You're going to start to disregard the other person's feelings and the impact of those vulgar comments and overall you're going to be disrespectful. There's going to be a lack of respect for the relationship as a whole and it's going to cause a lot of fights and a lot of arguments where you're saying and doing things that you're going to regret later on and be expecting that the partner is just supposed to recover from that when you have hurtful words that you've said and things that you've said about your partner. And then you try to go be loving again. They're not going to forget the hurtful words that you've said and things that you've said about your partner. And then you try to go be loving again. They're not going to forget the hurtful words that you said.
Speaker 1I remember early on my journey I was in a relationship and it was getting to that point. I got really familiar. I got really familiar and I made a comment. I crossed the line. I made a comment that was not nice in the middle of an argument and I remember this partner taught me such a big lesson because I was so comfortable in the relationship I thought I could say and do anything and they weren't gonna go anywhere because they did genuinely love me. Love me and love with me, obsessed with me, all of the things. And so I'm like, oh so they're not going anywhere.
Speaker 1And I remember him saying to me if you speak to me like that, again we're done. I'm not going to be in this relationship. And you speak to me that way. I deserve respect, I respect you. I'm respect, I respect you. I'm not going to call you out of your name. You better not call me out of my name and if you do, I respect myself enough to walk away from this relationship. I love you, I care about you, I adore you, but I will not be in this relationship where you're speaking to me that way.
Speaker 1And I remember looking at them like a deer in the headlights, like I was so shocked because they said it very calmly and, if I really thought about it, they never spoke to me disrespectfully. Did we have arguments? Yes, but they had the level of emotional intelligence, of the self-awareness, of the self-discipline to control their emotions. When they spoke to me and I took that for granted, I took it for granted that I could be like, because I was in whatever, and they never crossed that line. They would be like, okay, well, we're going to have to talk about this later, because you're obviously not in a state to talk about this. And I'd be like, yeah, but we need to talk about it. They literally walked away and when they made that comment like if you talk to me like that one more time, like we're done, I believe them Like I went out of the state of familiarity because I saw that not only were they clear, they were calm, but it was a reflection on me because I was like, well, do I even really feel that way about this person?
Speaker 1No, I don't. I'm just in a place where I'm not. I'm not in a place of managing my own emotions and I'm letting whatever I think and what comes to my mind come out of my mouth. And I'm so grateful because I saw that was that taught me so many things and it made me I was like literally tearing up because I was like, wow, I got so comfortable, so familiar, that I was willing to speak to them that way, to disrespect them. They didn't deserve that. What they deserved is if I felt really heightened in my emotions, angry, you know, bitter, resentful, like offended, rejected.
Speaker 1I took the time to deal with my emotions in a way that didn't project it on them, even if they were the cause of it. Your emotions are not the responsibility of anyone, especially your partner, to manage. So when you're dealing with fights and arguments, that's the next thing. When you're comfortable, you may start to make it seem like verbal, physical abuse is normal. Oh yeah, we always call each other a piece of crap or we call each other this all the time. Like I said this to you. You said this to me Like it is what it is.
Speaker 1It's toxic, is what it is and if you don't respect yourself enough and you sit in that long enough, you're going to be very resentful towards your partner. You're going to feel very differently about your partner, especially when you get into those PMDD monthly breakups. You're going to feel completely justified to break up with them because you're going to remember all of the hurtful, nasty words that they said to you in the last fight. You're going to be like why would I be with someone who talks to me like that? Why, why would I subject myself to it? And then you're going to have a lot of unresolved fights that are going to pile up on top of each other and then it's going to draw you further and further away. Lead to the permanent PMDD breakups. Lead to the permanent PMDD breakups.
Speaker 1And the last thing that happens is when you become too familiar, you stop holding yourself and your partner accountable for your actions, when you begin to lean into this world of toxicity, because you're both talking to each other like crap, you're both crossing the line. You both have done things that maybe your friends and family don't even know about, and I've heard it all, I have heard it all. That becomes your norm and it really sets you up for the kind of relationships not just an intimate the kind of relationships that you accept in your life. I've seen the transference of getting comfortable from a intimate partner move on to a parental relationship, meaning your partner has disrespected you in front of your child and now, in turn, your child is disrespecting you and you're confronting it to your child and saying you're not going to talk to me like that and they're looking at you like, well, you let so-and-so talk to you like that, so why can't I talk to you like that? Like, if you don't respect yourself enough to walk away from a situation that is disrespecting you, why would you expect me to treat you any differently?
Speaker 1So now we have an issue with the child and parent relationship and the partner relationship, because what you're modeling in front of your children stick. What you're modeling in front of your children stick, not what you say, what you accept. I don't care how many times that you talk to your children and you tell them this is the type of individual that you should be with. As you know, if you have teenagers, this is the type of individual you should be with when you grow older, or if they're a child like you're telling them when they go to daycare or they go to school, don't let anyone talk to you like this, but you're allowing disrespect in your home. They're not listening to what you say, they're listening to what you model. If they see mommy, daddy or mommy, mommy, daddy, daddy, whatever it is be disrespectful towards each other, they're going to think that that's the norm. Cognitively in their brain, it is programming. If this is okay for my parents, then it's okay for me.
Speaker 1And now you have transferred this trauma into your child and they're going to be dealing with this for years and years and years to come, because when they're a child, they're absorbing their environment. They're absorbing life as what is okay in relationships what is not okay. They're looking at you, whether they can see you, or whether they're listening to you arguing from their bedroom and talking to their friends on their little devices about it oh, my parents just went through this or they're doing that. They're downloading everything, and I'm saying this with such passion because I have a 15-year-old who's going to be 16 next month and she sees everything, she hears everything, and if there's anything that you think that you can hide from your child, whether they're reacting to it or not, it's sticking. And so if you're taking your partner to the place of being so familiar, to where you're allowing disrespects to become the norm in your household, you're causing your child to suffer for generations.
Speaker 1So later on, when they're in these cycles of these toxic relationships, and you're trying to talk to them and you're trying to get them out of it of all these things, remember this. Remember when they were in a place where they were observing what you were accepting, and for a lot of you it's not too late. I know a lot of my clients have kids where they're like nine, 10, 11, and it's not too late. But if they don't see the transformation of you treating your partner better, then that's all they're going to see is the dysfunction. You still have an opportunity to turn it around. So this is not to blame you, not to shame you. I've been there. This is to make a change, set a boundary, set a non-negotiable. I'm not going to have this toxic behavior in my home, because not only is it affecting me and you, but it's affecting our children and you, but it's affecting our children, and I know for a lot of relationships that I've been in. My child has been the breaking point, like, yes, I can endure a lot, yes, I can deal with a lot, but when I noticed that it's transferring onto my child, that's a non-negotiable for me and it should be one for you, because they didn't ask to be here. You brought them into this life and it is your job to give them the healthiest environment at the foundational level, and I mean this for your children, your nieces, your nephews, anywhere you go and there's children involved.
Breaking the Cycle with Intentional Appreciation
Speaker 1The way that adults are interacting with each other, they don't know any better. They're looking like trying to figure life out, even if they're a teenager, and they act like they're not in that place of being receptive. They're still looking. They're still looking Because I have the conversations, I have clients that are teenagers and they see and hear everything. And if you're modeling that behavior because you're so comfortable and you're thinking, oh, this is just how it's going to be and this is just how we are, we're just doing our best, are you? Are you doing your best? Ask yourself that question what is it that you could do better? And if you don't have kids? I see so many times on the forums and they're like oh, you know, I, I'm like this every single month in pmdd. I'm a monster. Oh, my poor, my poor partner, blah, blah, blah. But then you're still doing it. What are you doing to help?
Speaker 1It's one thing to acknowledge that your behavior is not acceptable, but you've gotten to the point where you're throwing it out there and then you're just like huh, like they'll be all right because they're not going anywhere. It's disrespectful, it's dismissive, and I wouldn't advise you to stay in that place of knowing that you could be better for your partner and just choosing not to because they haven't gone anywhere, because when they go, they go. I've seen it, I know. It's the situation with me. When I cut it off and I decide enough is enough, I'm gone. There's no reconciliation, there's no like oh, let's go, I'm done, I am done, and I've seen this with a lot of my clients, where the assumption because the partner, the other partner, is so comfortable, because breakups and all of these things have been mentioned so many times before that they're like oh, they're not really going away and when they do, they're contacting me in crisis mode oh my gosh, they left me. Yeah, they said they were going to leave you for the last three, four, five years. Now that they've done it, I can't make them go back. Why were you not taking them seriously when they were giving you the warning signs before? Why? So?
Speaker 1If you really want to get to the point where you are getting ahead and getting rid of the familiarity that is causing you to be too comfortable in your PMDD relationship, the first tool is you need check-ins. You need to regularly check in emotionally, not physically, with your partner. Yes, you can do that, but when I'm talking about getting too familiar, check in with your partner emotionally. How are you feeling? What's really going on? What are you liking, what are you not liking? You need to be having this regular communication with your partner to really understanding what are their needs. How can I be of service to you? That's what you're in a relationship for. It's not about you getting served. It's about serving the other person and trusting that, as you do that, it's going to be returned to you you.
Speaker 1The next thing is respecting boundaries, and I don't mean putting up boundaries that are and I'll do a separate episode on this your boundaries should not cause your partner to suffer, and you be okay with it If I create a boundary and it causes my partner to suffer, we need to talk about it, we need to fix it, and I've been in that place where I've been like nope, this is my boundaries, it is what it is, this is what I need. I know, this is what I need. No, if it's causing my partner to suffer, what is the point of being in a relationship with someone if I'm setting a boundary just for them to be miserable and suffer? I might as well just be single, because then I can set the boundary and it not impact anyone else. Be single because then I can set the boundary and it not impact anyone else.
Speaker 1So the next thing is intentional appreciation. There are a lot of qualities that your partner has that I'm pretty sure you are just like oh, that's just them, that's just them. But there are some things that they do that not everybody would do, and I'm just going to go back to the communication, not the communication. I'm going to go back to the financial support. Maybe you're so comfortable with your partner paying all the bills that you just assume you literally have someone paying your bills in a relationship and you're treating them like crap and or not meeting their needs in the relationship. Make that, make sense Entitled, so entitled, that your partner is paying the bills, taking care of the household and you are not desiring to meet their emotional, physical, spiritual, all the needs in the relationship. You've gotten comfortable because, let you be dating someone where they're expecting all of that support and you're paying. You're paying your bills or you're paying half of the bills. Maybe you go 50 50.
Speaker 1Don't take for granted that your partner is supporting. I don't care if it's 100%, 50%, 20%. You could be doing it on your own 100%. And I see so many individuals that are so comfortable that they become ungrateful to their partner that's going out there and handling things financially, or maybe they're a person that really checks in on you emotionally. You never have an emotion that they're not. Oh, you're looking a little off today. Babe, do you need me to give you a massage? Do you want to talk about something? That are so intuitive, so intuitive to your needs, to your wants, to your desires, and you're taking it for granted because you're like, oh, they just love me so much. Stop taking it for granted. You get into your luteal phase and they're ready to serve you and be there for you and they're doing their best. And all this, however, your partner is there for you in your luteal phase. Do not take that for granted, because there are individuals who will not do that for you. Everybody doesn't do it, and maybe if you understood that everybody doesn't do it, then you would be more appreciative to the fact that your partner does.
Speaker 1The next thing is having self-awareness to how PMDD premenstrual dysphoric disorder, premenstrual dysphoric disorder impacts you and your partner, because then, every single time that you go into your luteal phase, you understand wow, I'm about to shift, because we all shift. When you have PMDD, you shift. You're not the same. Don't try to pretend like you're the same. You're not the same. It's not a shameful thing. You're just're the same. You're not the same. It's not a shameful thing. You're just not the same.
Speaker 1And when you get so familiar, you feel like they just need to deal with it. If you can't handle me in my bad days and you don't deserve me in my best. No, you need to understand that your partner has to deal with the ebbs and flows of you fluctuating in your PMDD relationship, and so the next thing is providing that emotional support. Make sure at all times that your partner feels supported, validated and heard, and sometimes you get so comfortable because, even if they're not saying it like maybe they're a person that just doesn't come out and express their emotions Are you asking the right questions that will allow them to feel comfortable doing that? Are you saying, hey, babe, you seem a little quiet today. Is everything okay? Or, hey, babe, is there anything you want to talk about? You can't assume like, oh, they're not asking or they're not saying anything, so they must be fine. No, and a lot of times you know that they're not fine, but you're just choosing not to address it for whatever reason, because you don't want to put forth that effort, because you feel like, oh, they'll just suck it up and move on and we'll just be fine.
Developing Tools for Healthy Conflict
Speaker 1No, this is when you get the private sessions with me and you really get an opportunity to talk about, to deal with, to get tools on. Opportunity to talk about, to deal with, to get tools on both sides. And that's a lot of what happened, like the last couple of months when I was dealing with a lot of private clients where they were finally saying a lot of things that they have been bottled, bottling up for years, not even just days and months, years that they haven't said and their partner was literally looking at them like I've never heard you say that or I've never, like I never knew you felt that way. No, they didn't know. You felt that way because you were so familiar and used to them just clamming up and just going along like nothing's wrong. And the last thing is developing tools for when you have fights. If you don't, let me ask you this, because I developed this for my clients and it's very individual, based on who they are, who both of them are.
Speaker 1When you get in a fight with your partner, what tool do you use when you get in a fight, when you get an argument, when somebody has said something that's below the belt, when you get in a fight, when you get in an argument when somebody has said something that's below the belt, when you get angry, when you get bitter, when you get resentful, when you get triggered, what's the tool that you use If you don't have an answer to that? That's showing that you need to get help, and by help I mean there's a lot of things I provide for my clients that are rinse and repeat, meaning when you have a fight. This is what's going to work in your PMDD relationship, but it's very individual based. So if this is something that you know that you need help with and you're saying, dr Rose, I'm guilty, and not in a way of blaming and shaming, but I'm guilty of taking my partner for granted and I want to be better.
Speaker 1I want to develop ways that I'm showing my appreciation in a way that feels authentic to me, because I'm not saying go and be like, oh, thank you. Please be genuine, be real, be you, but make sure that you are pulling yourself back from the realm of familiarity, because it causes a lot of damage in PMDD relationships. So I hope these tools have really, really helped you and until next episode, we got this. I love you.
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