Stop Letting Your Brain Turn Feelings Into Facts

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What story is your mind telling about your partner—and how much of it is actually true? We dive into the subtle way narratives form under stress, especially during the luteal phase with PMDD, and how those stories can turn ordinary moments into proof of disrespect, rejection, or neglect. If you’ve ever felt the rush to protect, to withdraw affection, or to keep score, you’ll hear why the brain does this and how to gently steer it back toward safety and connection.

We break down confirmation bias in real terms: once you decide “they don’t care,” your mind scans for evidence. That bias strengthens with every venting session and criticism, carving neural pathways that find fault on autopilot. Instead of litigating the past, we model a different route—curiosity before conclusions, validation before explanation, and accountability without defensiveness. You’ll learn how a genuine check-in—“Here’s the story I’m telling myself. Is it true?”—can cancel a runaway narrative and turn conflict into clarity.

From there, we get practical. Talk therapy can stall when it becomes fact-filing, so we show how to pair conversation with specific action plans that calm the nervous system: short daily touchpoints, reset phrases, and explicit agreements that prevent repeat hurts. We explore how amygdala activation fuels hypervigilance, why familiar behaviors suddenly read as threats, and how building felt safety changes perception itself. You’ll also hear how splitting—seeing your partner as “the problem”—feeds monthly breakup cycles, and how to replace labels with observations and needs to rebuild trust.

By the end, you’ll have a simple framework: notice the narrative, get curious, validate impact, take ownership for repairs, and agree on the next small step. It’s not about proving innocence; it’s about restoring safety so love can breathe again. If this resonates, subscribe, share with someone who needs it, and leave a review telling us the one habit you’ll try this week.

Transcript

How Words Rewire Your View

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Today I want to talk to you about how the words that you're speaking about your partner can actually make you look at them and the relationship completely differently. And we've all been guilty of this. Um, I know for me, when a lot of times I'm processing what has happened in relationships with partners, I'm talking about the facts of the situation and it seems harmless. It seems harmless to speak about how I'm feeling in the moment versus, you know, maybe what my brain is telling me. That's part of the processing that I've had to do, especially in my luteal phase. I've noticed that I can go into a situation and I'm just talking about how I'm feeling in the moment. And I'm like, oh, this is my way of processing it. But what I actually end up doing is negatively convincing myself to think in a different way about my partner than I actually should. So maybe the situation itself, the facts of the situation are negative, but it's not the facts because it's what I'm making up in my mind, meaning I haven't connected with my partner to make sure that whatever it is that I'm thinking in my mind is actually true. And so I find in PMDD relationships, especially with counseling, it's a lot of times when you're hearing what your partner thinks about a situation, it's completely different from your perception of the situation. So what happens when you do not connect with them and get on the same page as far as what actually was experienced by both of you, your brain is automatically negatively going to go and say, oh, they're trying to do this to you and they're trying to do that to you. And then your actions and your behaviors towards your partner are based off of a story that your brain is telling you, not the facts of the situation. But a lot of times when you don't want to, you know, rock the boat, you want to keep the peace, you you kind of shy away from talking about all of the negative things that you're thinking in your mind without actually recognizing that it's shaping how you're treating them. The vibe is off. Your behavior towards them. This is when a lot of disrespect can come because you're thinking that your partner deserves a level of disrespect based off of the story that you're telling yourself in your mind. Meaning, if your partner did something to offend you, you may start to think to yourself, oh, they don't respect me, they don't really love me, they don't really care about me like that. So you begin to either withdraw or you begin to treat them less than what they deserve, and you don't even feel bad about it. There's no remorse because in your mind, it's you're going against each other. They're treating me like this, they're disrespecting me like this, they're not gonna get my good energy, they're not gonna get, you know, my love, affection, attention, validation, all of the reasons why we choose to be in relationships, you're gonna withhold that because you're gonna feel like a fool for giving yourself, giving your partner something that you feel like they don't deserve in that moment. So the danger is in that is that if this becomes a pattern cognitively in your brain, you begin to have this confirmation bias that takes over. And when you consistently speak negatively, internally or externally about your partner, your brain begins to search for evidence to support that narrative. So basically, if you said, you know, my partner doesn't respect me, your brain is automatically gonna start going towards reasons and things that they may be saying and doing to prove that they don't respect you. It doesn't mean that they actually don't respect you. It doesn't mean that what you're thinking is actually true. It is your cognitive brain that is gonna search for that. It's gonna search for evidence to support the narrative that you're creating. So when I say that we can't control what we're thinking, we can control the narrative that we're telling ourselves. And so what I want you to begin to do is when you find yourself telling yourself a narrative, and we've all been there where you're telling yourself a story, your emotions are gonna begin to spiral because the thoughts of someone not respecting you, the thought of someone not loving you, the thought of someone not caring about you, it's gonna hurt your feelings. And a lot of times hurt feelings come off in rage and it comes off in anger and it comes off in a protection mode because you're feeling like I'm not gonna give them this vulnerable side of me if they're choosing to disrespect me. I'm not gonna give them this soft and vulnerable side of me that's loving if they don't, if they don't really love me or care about me like that. And a lot of times you can get into the ego because the ego will start to tell you, you know, make you feel like a fool, like I said, and make you feel like, oh my gosh, I can't believe you're accepting this, you're accepting less than what you deserve, and you don't need to accept that. This is when you get into the emotion of maybe I should just be single. See, this is what I'm talking about. You put yourself out there, you show that you love and you care about somebody and they run all over you, or they take advantage of you. And a lot of this comes from a fear where you've been in relationships in the past, you've been in situations in the past. This is when the relationship trauma comes up, where people have taken advantage of you, of your heart, of your pure intentions. And your brain and your body has felt the hurt that comes on the other side of that. So instinctively, it tries to protect you from getting in that same cycle because it doesn't want you to experience that pain and that hurt again. So you may be protecting yourself from your partner, even when your partner is not even doing anything remotely close to something that your ex has done. And so you find yourself defending your actions based off of something that could be a narrative that's not about your present situation. So this is why you have to have those conversations with your partner, with your person about what is the narrative that I'm telling myself right now. When you feel yourself pulling away or you feel yourself acting differently towards your partner, ask yourself personally, what is the narrative that I'm telling myself? And then when you come up with the narrative, you need to go have a conversation with your person about this is what I'm really thinking. Is this true? You're asking the source, the person that you're starting to feel differently about. You're asking them, when you did this, this is how I felt. I felt disrespected, I felt unloved, I felt uncared for. Is this really, was that really your intention? Were you doing that maliciously or what's going on? When you begin to be curious, then that confirmation bias is canceled out because whatever story that your brain is telling you about your person, it's canceled out by the truth of what's really going on with them. You can say, for example, I've done this before. No, no, no, I didn't mean to disrespect you in that moment. I didn't even know that you felt disrespected in that moment, or I didn't mean to, you know, do this action and you think that I wasn't caring about you. And you immediately need to show appreciation for your partner even being open and vulnerable enough to say what it is that the narrative is in their mind, that negative bias. And you can literally speak to that. And it's not about it, please, please, please. It's not about defending yourself. It's not about proving that you're a better person than your partner is thinking that you are in that moment. It's about taking accountability for your actions that you did that caused your person to feel this way, not in a sense that you did them maliciously, but you're acknowledging, I did do that. I did say that. I didn't mean to offend you when I did it, but I did it. And I'm sorry for doing that. And like, what can I do to repair that? What can I do so that you do know that I respect you, that you do know that I love you, that you do know that I care about you. This is removing the pride and the ego, which is in the realm of defensiveness, and saying, you know what, what matters most in this moment is that you don't feel disrespected. What matters this most in this moment is that you don't feel rejected. What matters most in this moment is that you don't feel unloved. Not for me to defend myself, not for me to make it seem like, you know, I wasn't doing this maliciously or you shouldn't even be thinking that, or how dare you think that. Get out of that. That is fueling the conflict that you're gonna have. Because if if your partner brings something to you and you immediately get defensive and you immediately start coming up with all these excuses of why you did what you did and what you really meant, and they're gonna shut down because that's not what they want to hear. If your partner is coming to you about something that they're feeling, an emotion that they're having, a narrative that they're telling themselves in their mind, they want clarity. They want the truth. They want to know in your heart, how do you really feel about me? Do you really respect me? Do you really love me? Do you really care about me? Because if you get to that truth of yes, I really love you, yes, I respect you, yes, I care about you, then none of the details really matter. You can spend a lot of time, and this happens a lot in talk therapy, where you that's why I said talk therapy alone does not work. Do you need to talk out the things that have happened? Absolutely. But do you need to stay where you're fact-basing? And I know so many clients will come on with notes about who did what and recordings about they said this, Dr. Rose, and they did this. And it's this blame and the shame, which is met with defensiveness. And you're going to end up in this cycle where you're never really getting a resolution for your problem. You just keep talking about the problem even more, which is fueling those negative emotions that you're feeling because you get so frustrated because you're taking your brain back into the moment that you felt offended, back when you felt disrespected, back when you felt rejected. And you're going over the events of the story, and this is when they said this, and this is what they said this, and I told them not to do this anymore. And there's so much blame and shame that you're not even seeing the hurt that your partner is actually feeling as a result of something that you may have said or done, whether it's malicious or not. That should be your main concern. Your main concern should be reconciling with your partner how you really feel and getting to the root of whatever bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness that they may be feeling. And you want to pluck that up. You want to pluck it up and you want to get rid of it and you want to throw it away and you don't want to keep rehashing it again and again and again. You don't want to punish your partner for things that they've said and done that are not malicious because they're going to end up in this realm of feeling like there's nothing that they can do to please you. You're never going to forgive them. You're always going to be bringing up this old thing. What's the purpose of talking about it if something else happens and we're going to end up talking about it again? You want to create a culture in your relationship where if someone does something to offend the other person, that you have the ability to repair it by having an open and honest conversation, reaching the root of their heart and their feelings and how they're really dealing with that, where it's coming from, what's coming up because of that, and then coming up with an action plan so that it doesn't happen again. This is a step that is missed a lot of times when I've heard clients say that they've gone to counselors and therapists and psychologists prior to working with me. There's no action plan. You sit on sessions or you sit with your friends and you talk or you sit with your partner and you talk about the situation again and again and again, just to feel like you need to get it out. And you end up feeling more negative about your partner, more negative about your relationship at the end of it. You don't feel closer because there's no resolution. There's nothing that's telling your brain you're not going to feel hurt again, you're not going to feel harmed again, you're not going to feel disrespected again because there's an action plan in place. That's what causes your nervous system to calm down when you have an action plan of saying, okay, so, you know, the other night when I didn't um text you goodnight or when I didn't do something, it made you feel rejected. It made you feel abandoned. It made you feel whatever. It's not about telling your partner that they shouldn't feel that way. You do not dictate how your partner should feel in any specific situation. How they feel is how they feel. What you want to do is help them navigate those emotions and how they feel so that it doesn't negatively impact your relationship. It's not about saying, oh, that would never bother me. When you're discrediting and invalidating how they're really feeling by making them not feel justified to feel how they're feeling. Are our feelings our facts? No. But do we need to address the feelings that come up? Yes. Do we need to do it in a way that doesn't cause more conflict? Absolutely. Do we need to do it in a space to where your partner feels safe to feel heard, seen, validated? So they don't have to prove to you that they should be feeling this way or that it's it's worthy of them feeling offended, worthy of them feeling rejected, worthy of them feeling disrespected. They don't have to prove that to you. How they're feeling is how they're feeling. And a lot of times it's because of life experiences that they've had in the past. You cannot change your partner's prior life experience and prove, oh, you shouldn't be offended because of this, because I didn't mean it. Therefore, you shouldn't be offended. No, it doesn't work like that. You could not have meant it and your partner could still be offended. Now, what are you going to do about it? That is your responsibility in a relationship. What are you going to do about it? If your child falls down and they bump into something, you're not going to say, Oh, you should have watched yourself. You should have, you're going to go tend to them being hurt. You're going to go tend to, if they start crying, you're going to go pick them up or see where where does it hurt? What can we do? Let me move this out of the way. Because you're reaching repairing versus proving. Okay, so the next thing that happens when you have a lot of negative self-talk, you have your neural pathways strengthen around criticism. When you start criticizing your partner, and this is especially true when you're talking to, you know, friends and family, even when you're venting and you're criticizing them for little things that they do or that they don't do, they never do this or they never do that. All you're doing is the thoughts that you repeat become well-worn neural pathways. What this means is the more you criticize them verbally or internally or with friends and family, the more your automatic negative thoughts are going to become on a loop. You're wondering why you're having those intrusive thoughts about your partner. It's because you're training your brain to criticize your partner. So your partner walks into the room. You've been complaining about them all day long because of things that they haven't done, things that they they said that they shouldn't have said. They immediately come into the room and your brain is searching for more criticisms. You're picking them apart. Look at them. They never do this. They didn't even bring me this home for dinner, or they never text me. Your brain is now trained to see the negative in your partner because of what you are doing internally, because what you are saying about them externally. And so the way that you can get around that is the one notice when you're doing it. I want you, we're in the month of March. And the theme that I have for my goals and a lot of my clients is we're marching forward. I want you to make a commitment with me today that I am not going to criticize my partner once this month. This is going to be really, really hard for you to do immediately or intentionally if you're used to just complaining. I'm not saying that you won't have reasons to criticize your partner. I'm not saying you won't have reasons to complain about, you know, towards them. What I'm saying is I want you to challenge yourself, see how your emotions shift towards your partner and in your relationship, once you make a commitment to stop criticizing them, you need to give them some grace and stop thinking that they should be doing everything perfect. And just because you told them to do something or to not do something one time that they're automatically gonna remember it. Give your partner some grace. They're not doing a lot of these things maliciously. And I know because I have so many sessions with partners that are like, I'm not trying to cause my partner to suffer. They're explaining to me ways that I have, but it's not in like I'm not waking up in the morning and saying, oh, how many ways can I cause my partner to suffer? A lot of times they're burnt out, they're trying their best. They have other things going on in their life that have nothing to do with you, nothing to do with the relationship. And instead of you recognizing, oh, they're having an off day, or oh, they're they're experiencing stress, or maybe they're having stress from work, or maybe they're having stress with their internal goals and what they have going on, you don't know the reason why your partner has said and done a lot of the things that they're done that they've done. And a lot of times when you go to accuse them and criticize them, it causes whatever stress that they're internally going through. They don't even feel safe to even come out and say, well, the reason why I reacted to you this way is because I'm dealing with this. When is the last time that you felt offended by your partner? And instead of negatively criticizing them, you've asked them what's going on with them? And not in a confrontational way, but just saying, babe, I noticed that you're a little bit distant. Like, is everything okay? What's going on? When you come with that level of questioning and curiosity versus criticism, then they may open up to you and say, Hey, babe, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I'm just stressed about this. And you're giving them a way to have an outlet so that they don't negatively react to you. So the next thing that happens when you have a lot of negative self-talk is the threat perception increases. Negative talk activates the amygdala in your brain. So it puts your nervous system in threat mode. You're always thinking that your partner is the enemy. This is a lot of times what PMDD partners say, I feel like my partner's the enemy. They're making my symptoms worse, they're making everything that I'm going to worse, they're putting more stress on me. They don't care about how I'm feeling. And I feel like I should just be single because the more that I'm with them, the more stressed out I become. And so instead of your nervous system being calm around them, it's be you you begin to get hypervigilant. This is when a lot of times, if you live with your partner and you have this negative self-talk that has made your amygdala be activated, that you don't feel calm around them. You always feel like you're on high alert, you're always hypervigilant. Maybe you're always trying to make sure that you're you're doing everything right so that you don't have a fight, so that you don't have an argument, so that you don't do anything that displeases them. Because when you displease them, it causes more stress on you and the relationship. I've been trapped in this situation so many times where I felt like as soon as I saw a partner, I had to be on, I had to be on. I had to be, I had to do this, I had to make sure I did this, I had to make sure I was stressing out my nervous system so much. All PMDD symptoms increase because I was never calm. I never felt like I could just be myself. I never felt like I could just show up as the truest version of me and it be okay and it be accepted. So you begin to feel emotionally unsafe. Not because I'm genuinely unsafe, but because my brain has labeled them. This person causes you stress. Therefore, whenever they're around, the amygdala is going to become activated and you're immediately going to go on high alert, regardless of what your partner's doing. This is what I want you to understand. Your partner doesn't necessarily have to be doing something in order for you to have your amygdala be activated. And basically all it means is you feel like you're on high alert. You feel like you're stressing. I used to, my, oh my gosh, I used to be literally shaking around a partner because they just made me feel so anxious. Um, and I used to think that I would label it like, oh, I have an anxious attachment style. I didn't have an anxious attachment style towards my partner. My nervous system was just not calm and regulated. So I always was anxious around them. I didn't have an avoidant attachment style with my partner, which I literally thought that I did. I had literally said, I have an avoidant attachment style. I have an avoidant attachment style. I got out of that relationship and got into one and I was completely secure and I was completely calm. And I was like, wait, I thought I was the problem. I thought that I had developed an avoidant attachment style and that was something that I was carrying with me, but it was no, it was what I was carrying within that particular relationship. I did not feel safe with my partner. Therefore, I felt the need to avoid and pull back and shrink and hide because I didn't want to have the level of stress that interaction made me feel. The more I interacted with them, the less I felt safe. Therefore, I began to avoid communication, avoid wanting to spend time, avoid wanting to do this. Not because I was avoidant, because I was avoiding something that made me feel unsafe, that activated my nervous system, that activated my brain in a way that triggered all of these symptoms and made my life feel like a living hell. It impacted every area of my life. And there was this fear-based level of like, I was so scared to be in proximity because I didn't know if the next time I was going to be able to handle it, I felt like I was literally losing my mind because I was surrounding myself with someone that was so close to me that felt so unsafe and I couldn't figure out why. So the next thing that can happen when you consistently speak negatively about your partner is you start, you stop seeing your partner as a whole person, right? With strengths and flaws, the good and the bad, and you begin seeing them as the problem. You only see the negative aspect of having them in your life. Cognitively, this is called splitting. So basically, this is a trauma-based black and white perception. My partner's bad, being single is good. Without my partner, my life would be easier. You're splitting them and the problem. You're basically saying they are part of the problem. And if I remove them, I won't have a problem. So this is a lot of times when you get into the PMDD monthly breakups where you're trying to figure out why you cognitively want to break up so bad. There's a reason why literally 87% of all the clients that I have had have said that they wanted to break up with their partner during their luteal phase because you're thinking my luteal phase is so overwhelming. They're adding to the stress in my luteal phase. Therefore, I need to go. I need to remove myself, I need to remove my partner, and then my symptoms will be better. Now there are some, like there are times, and I will be very honest with this, where clients have been with toxic narcissistic partners and they have actually exasperated their PMDD symptoms. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna deny that. I've experienced that. So there's no way that I could say that your partner has no impact on your PMDD symptoms. I'm not gonna ever say that, but I'm gonna say when we get to the root of it, is it that your partner is toxic? Is it that your partner is a narcissist? Is it that your partner is genuinely trying to maliciously cause you harm? Or are you telling yourself a narrative in your mind that is making your brain think that and perpetually have you have intrusive thoughts to shift into that narrative and to make it seem like it's true and shifting your emotions? Is PMDD tricking your brain into thinking that your partner is a problem? Or is your partner actually the problem? That's a lot of the discovery that I work with with my private clients. And it's something that they literally are like, I can't tell because sometimes when I'm in my follicular phase, they're not that bad and they're not that this. And then I get in my luteo phase and then all of a sudden they're so toxic and I need to get out of here because I can't get any peace without them. This is something that you actually have to work through and you have to work with a professional that is dealt with premenstrual dysphoric disorder because it's a tricky part of your brain where you could actually misdiagnose your partner and call them a narcissist and call them toxic and call them this when that's not really the truth of it. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't, but you need to go through that discovery process and it's not, you're not able to do it when it's you. I couldn't do it when it was me. When I was going through a lot of my breakups that were partners that were toxic and narcissistic and all these things, I had to go outside. I had my own psychologist that I was dealing with because it was all linked to my childhood trauma. So I felt someone that was specializing in childhood trauma because it was literally linking all of the negative thoughts that I was telling myself in my brain. You know, like I told you before, I grew up with a lot of abuse, verbal and physical abuse. So a lot of times I would tell myself, this is happening again. I'm putting myself in this scenario again, I'm getting abused again. And that wasn't the truth of what was going on, but that's what was happening in my brain. So I had to cognitively work through that and recognize the truth of maybe this isn't a bad person, but this is not the right person for me because they're triggering something in my past that is probably always going to be triggered by these particular behaviors. So is this person unhealthy as a person? Maybe not. Are they healthy for me as a person? Absolutely not. And that's that's the truth that I had to come to terms with, not saying that any of my exes are bad. They just weren't good for me. So the next thing that can happen is emotional reasoning becomes truth. Negative feelings start turning into facts. You may feel, and I'll give you a perfect example. I used to I mean you can go back on all of my podcast episodes and even and even listen to this. You will hear me talk about exes snoring. And I used to think the facts of the situation were did my exes snore? Yes. What my negative feelings and what my PMDD brain was telling me was that they were trying to cause me suffering. They didn't want me to have any peaceful sleep. Because when I don't get sleep, my PMDD symptoms are so much worse. So in my mind, if they know that, and if they're consciously snoring or unconsciously snoring, then they're inadvertently causing me more suffering. So instead of me just stating the facts of my partner snores, what my brain was saying in my luteal phase, my partner causes me to suffer. My partner causes me to suffer because I'm not able to get the sleep that I need in order for me to get through my luteal phase and to repair myself the way that I need to. So if I don't get enough sleep, my partner is the reason. Therefore, my partner causes me suffering. Do you see how the facts of the situation is? My partner's just snoring. My partner is just snoring. And you know what's so not funny? Like funny, not funny. I have a partner right now who snores. And I absolutely am not bothered by it. I actually will cuddle with him and lay with him while he snores. That was mind-boggling for me because I used to think snoring is a trigger, snoring is a trigger. And I used to, I mean, literally be in agony. And now it's like the sweetest sound because I know that he's getting rest. Like I'm telling myself a different story about their snoring because of how safe I feel with my person. That is the difference. When you feel safe with your person, your narrative shifts and change. You don't seek to find evidence of why this should be negative and why they should, you know, be causing you suffering. You seek to see, okay, yes, they're snoring. Yes, it wakes me up sometime, but they're getting sleep. They feel relaxed around me. Like, and it's so funny because I had an ex tell me, this shouldn't bother you. You should just be happy that I'm getting sleep. And I was like, what the heck are you talking about? Of course this is going to bother me. But like I didn't believe it because I didn't feel safe around them. I did not feel safe around them. So the things, the natural things that they were doing were automatically a trigger for me. This is so important. And you really need to grasp this. When you do not feel safe around your person, and you consistently talk negatively around them, which reinforces you not feeling safe around them. They can be doing everyday things and you can be thinking that it's maliciously causing you to suffer on purpose. You can make them the enemy for them just existing. This is why clients will say, My breathing annoys her. There's something deeper there. They emotionally do not feel safe with you. Their nervous system is not safe with you. Therefore, the things that you're doing are just increasing that. So you begin to tell yourself this narrative in your mind, instead of them saying they forgot to bring home something, they don't care about me. They forgot because they don't care. When they're tired and they're exhausted after a long day, instead of you looking at them and just saying, oh, they're tired, they had a long day, you're like, they're lazy. Look at them. They don't do anything. Look at all the things that I do, and they're just sitting around here. They want me to take on the burden of everything. I guess I'm gonna be the only one that does everything. You see how instead of you having empathy and compassion for the state that your partner is in, once you've negatively trained your brain to speak negatively about them and to think negatively about them, you're gonna feel negatively about them. You're gonna make excuses for the positive things that they're doing. They don't really mean that, or they're just trying to get something from me, or all of these things. And the next thing that happens is you start to collapse your ability to imagine a good future with them. It's almost like it's it's not possible. You feel like it's always gonna be this level of suffering. And for me, that's what gets me into the realm of getting claustrophobic. Because I'll be like, I can't do this forever. And I'll be like, this is that's when my PMDD monthly breakup breakups had really increased because I was like, I need to get the heck up out of here. I'm not gonna live my life like this. And it was like, was I really living my life like this, or was I just having a moment of suffering because of maybe something that's going on with me or something that's going on with my with my partner? But consistently talking negative, I can't find the reason why we should be together in a positive way. Whatever the thought process was in the beginning of why we should be together and all those things, I don't see that anymore because I've spoken so much negative things. It's like, it's like my brain cannot find the positive things that I originally had from in the beginning. And the more you train your brain to think negatively by doing it, the harder it's gonna be for you to ever see the positive reason as to why you're even in this relationship. I ask a lot of clients and they can't even answer this question. I said, Well, if your partner is causing you this much suffering, why are you with them? And then there's this silence. Well, they did this. No, no, no, no, no. Why are you with them? Why are you with them? When this happens and you can't answer that question, and if I just asked you that and you had to dig deep and you, it's like you, it's not on the surface level, that means there's a lot of negativity that's on top of it. And so you stop this identity distortion, you stop relating to who they are and you start relating to who you think that they are. You're connecting with the version of yourself that you told that's that's negative because you start saying these matter-of-fact things, like I said earlier. They're lazy, they don't care about me, they don't respect me, they don't, you're you're stating facts that aren't actual facts. And so it creates emotional distance, even when their closeness is available, even when they're right there, even when they're right there, you don't you either avoid them, you don't want to be there, or you're feeling like you're anxious and you're never able to calm yourself down. So what happens is when you get into this realm and you you've literally been talking negatively about your partner for so long, your internal dialogue is so negative, your tone will change around them. How many times would have you gone into your luteal phase and your partner says you sound differently to them or you look differently towards them? Your patience becomes so short, it is so easy for you to get irritated by them. That's how you know that you've been in this loop of negative talk about your partner because they can do the littlest things and all of a sudden it's like, ugh, that's so annoying, or they do this. And then your behavior shifts. And then your what happens when you do those things, when your behavior shifts, your partner responds getting defensive or they withdraw. And all this does is conform, can confirm the negative belief that you're already having. A lot of times when your partner gets defensive because you're blaming them or shaming them or acting differently, when they start acting differently, it kind of justifies, yeah, that's the reason why we're not on the same page. That's the reason. Well, we how many times have you gone to say stuff to your partner? You're like, well, maybe we just shouldn't be together. If this is how you really feel about me, then why are we even together? Why are we even doing this? And then you get into that realm of just literally thinking that because you've told yourself this negative story in your mind that this is who your partner is. And a lot of times you have to go through a journey and it takes time and it takes unwiring, unwiring your brain. Because even if you really have the desire to think positively about your partner, if you've already trained yourself negatively to think about them, then it's not gonna automatically happen. It's not gonna automatically happen because as long as I was doing that, the time that it that it took me to unwire it was it was it was a process and it wasn't in a day. And so this is why I opened up my sessions for March, March forward. We're gonna be going forward with the way that we want to think about our partner, that we want to behave, that we want to feel about our partner and stop looking at the past and creating a negative storyline and a negative, a negative narrative about our partner and who they are. We're getting to the root of who they actually are. So if that's something that you know that you need, go to the link in my bio. And until next time, we got this.