PMDD Monthly Breakup Cycle

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“I think we should break up.” If that sentence shows up like clockwork during luteal phase, you are not alone, and you are not crazy, but you may be stuck in a pattern that quietly trains your relationship to feel unsafe. We unpack why the PMDD monthly breakup becomes the default move under stress, what it’s really trying to solve, and why some couples eventually stop saying it while others spiral into a final breakup. 

We talk about the moment hope starts to die: when fights intensify, when your brain starts labeling the relationship “toxic,” and when both partners begin bracing for next month. We explain why compatibility gets distorted in PMDD, how the PMDD brain scans for danger and negativity, and why both partners can get hit with intrusive thoughts that sound convincing but are not the full truth. You’ll hear how stress responses show up as fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, and how silence or “taking space” can backfire when the mind fills the gap with worst-case stories. 

Most importantly, we get practical about repair. We share why endlessly replaying the details of fights can keep you stuck, what “risk over regret” looks like in real conversations, and how to rebuild trust with an apology that lands. If “sorry, but…” is part of your repair script, we explain why it often fails and what to say instead, plus why follow-through and specific tools restore hope faster than big promises. 

If you want support, follow Dr. Rose Vibes and visit inlove with pmd.com. Subscribe, share this with a partner who needs it, and leave a review so more PMDD couples can find real help.

Transcript

Why Monthly Breakup Talk Happens

SPEAKER_00 0:54

So today we are going to be talking about why some PMDD couples break up and why some do not. So I want to just give you some examples as what it looks like when someone is coming to me for counseling and some couples decide to do the PMDD monthly breakup and some do not. So as you know, when you go into your luteal phase, one of the first things that you'll begin to suggest when things get so overwhelming and you've been in those cyclical fights is I think we should just break up. And what I call these is the PM Diddy monthly breakups because it's it's very cyclical in a sense of every single month when you go into your luteal phase, you and your partner argue, you fight, and one of you or the both of you say that you want to break up. But as I've worked with couples, I've noticed that there's been some distinct things that happen with couples that end up not breaking up every single month, and then other couples that still have that as their go-to. So if you're working with me privately as a client, one of the first things that I try to make sure that you do is you take breaking up off the table. And the reason why I say take breaking up off the table is because when you have breaking up as your option, every single time there's going to be stress in your relationship, that's gonna be your first solution. When we remove that cognitively, we're changing the pattern that you have in your relationship of what happens when you experience stress. This is for the partner that has PNDD and the partner that doesn't. And a lot of times it's really hard to do that in the beginning because you're so used to arguing and fighting and then immediately saying, maybe we should just shouldn't be together. Maybe we're not compatible, maybe this is not the relationship for me. Because as you're dealing with these small issues, you zoom out and you think like I used to think all the time, I can't do this. That is my biggest thing when I go into my luteal phase and there's a lot of stress and there's a lot of overwhelm. The first thing I think is, I can't go through this pattern again and again and again every single month. My brain automatically goes to what it would look like if nothing changed. And you know that phrase, if nothing changes, nothing changes, is very true. So I have to work very strategically with the couples and understanding how soon are you getting to the solution of breaking up and why. Everybody has their different reasons for why they're choosing the monthly breakup. You think it's common because everyone who is in PMDD relationships have the monthly breakups, but there's a core reason why you're choosing that as a solution. And that's what I get to the bottom of. I know for me personally, I tend to think about the other person. I think about what they're going through. I'm not trying to cause them stress, I'm not trying to make them frustrated, I'm not trying to do anything wrong. So when I realize how my behavior or my actions or my words are impacting the other person, then my go-to is to immediately remove myself from the situation because that's not my goal, that's not my intention. If you kind of get to the core of why you want to be in a relationship, I'm like, oh, I don't want to hurt this person, I don't want to cause them stress, I don't want to cause them overwhelm. And you're kind of like going down out of a stage of arguing and fighting, and you're looking at the impact that it's having on your partner, you're like, listen, if it's gonna cause them to feel this much stress, this much overwhelm every single month, then I don't want to do that. So the first step is I want you to recognize why do you choose the PMDD monthly breakup? Yes, you want to get rid of the stress. Yes, you want to get rid of the overwhelm, but you have to understand why it's that go-to. And I always say you really don't want to break up with your partner. You want to break up with the PMDD, you want to break up with the stress, you want to break up with the trauma that all of these outbursts are causing you. You know, maybe you're yelling and you're fighting in front of the kids, maybe you're yelling and fighting in front of the family. Maybe you feel like you're walking on eggshells because you don't know the next time that your partner's gonna go off, or you don't know the next time that you're gonna go off, and you feel like you have no control over your emotions when you get in that state of stress in your relationship, when you get in that state of trying to deal with the luteal phase, not really knowing what to do. And the basis of that is just really feeling helpless. A lot of

What You Really Want To Escape

SPEAKER_00 5:19

times we are wanting to do the PMDD monthly breakups because we're losing hope that anything is gonna change. When you get to the point where you say, you know, this month is gonna look like next month, and we've gone so many months and we're fighting about the same things, or we're fighting more intensely. A lot of times with my private clients, what I'll see is there's an influx, there's an increase of the conflict that's happening in the relationship, and they're scared of what's gonna happen next month. Say, for example, there's yelling one month, then the next month there's verbal abuse in a form of like you're cussing each other out. Then the next month, you're cussing each other out with in public, you're cussing each other out when there's people around. Then maybe it gets to the point where there's it switches from verbal abuse to physical abuse, and you're kind of saying, you know what? I need to break up with this person because it is no longer healthy. A lot of times when couples are coming to me, that's when they feel like I'm no longer in a healthy relationship, I'm in a toxic relationship. And so obviously, when you're telling your brain this, that you're in a toxic relationship, the solution is gonna be to break up. And what I have to do is rewire your PMDD brain, and this is for the partner that has PMDD and the partner that doesn't, to not let that be the solution. Just because you're having arguing and fights in your luteal phase in your PMDD relationship doesn't mean that you're not supposed to be with your partner, doesn't mean that they're maliciously trying to hurt you, but in those moments, that's how you feel, and that's why it's so damaging because the nasty words that are said, the comments that are made, the threats that are made, it sticks with some individuals. And so it can get to a point where there's two types of individuals when it comes to the PMDD monthly breakups. One person is ready to immediately get over it. Immediately they're like, oh, I'm done, I'm over this. I said all the hurtful things, I just want to move on. I want to get back to being on the same page. Then you have the other person that is continuously remembering the hurtful words that are said, and it takes them a little bit longer. Those individuals do not like each other in that moment because there's one person that's wanting to move on, and there's another person that keeps bringing up all the reasons why they can't move on. And when you're getting in that place of constantly having to rehash every single detail of the relationship, it is every single detail of the fight, it's not going to help. So this is why talk therapy doesn't work. Talk therapy is you're just going in and you're talking consistently about the conflicts and the fights that you're having in your PDD relationship. It doesn't work because when you're cognitively talking about the conflict, you're re-experiencing the same emotions that you did from the moment that you were in the fight and the conflict. And so so many times you get lost in it. Like you go to try to describe it and you try to say, hey, this is what happened. And you're talking to your partner, and you're, this is why you can't really counsel yourselves because you're in it, right? So you're not just in it in a sense of you're talking about the situation, you're feeling the emotions as if you're going back through the situation all over again. And you can end up being being even more pissed off than you were originally. So a lot of times I'm not focusing on you explaining to me every detail of the fight, every detail of the argument. I'm wanting to see what is at the core and then where do you want to go moving forward? It's very action-based because you can stay stuck in that place of thinking about what they said about you and really thinking about, man, they said those hurtful words. Maybe that's what they really think about me. Maybe they really think that we should break up. Maybe they really think that they don't want to be with me. Maybe they really think that we shouldn't be together. Maybe they deserve someone that doesn't have PMDD, or maybe they don't want to be in a PMDD relationship. These are the thoughts that you can get lost in. And it can cause people to feel like, you know what, I just want to rip the band-aid off and I want to break up. So the reason why the individuals who do not go through the month go through with the monthly breakups, like permanently, right? We all say it, we've all said it before. I don't want to be with you, I don't want to be with you. Maybe you should break up. But there's some couples that actually go through with it, and there's some couples that are just saying it monthly, and then they eventually get to the point where they say it less and less and less. What I want to tell you is we have to deal with patterns. If the pattern is that you feel like you want to break up, you say that you want to break up, just because we have one session overnight, you're not going to stop saying it because now you created a habit imprinted in your PMDD brain or the partner that doesn't have PMDD, you feel like that's the solution. So, what we need to do is to restore the hope that you have and the vision that you had in your PMDD relationship. So I always want to talk about the repair. And I talked a little bit about this on my stories. If you're not following me on Instagram, it's Dr. Rose Vibes. I give you a message every single day. And um, what I want to talk to you about is the risk over regret. A lot of times you're risking having those hard conversations with your partner. You you're walking on eggshells, right? You don't want to say anything to piss them off. You want to, you don't want to do anything to piss them off, but so you're not really addressing how you're really feeling. You're not really addressing the real issue. So, because you feel like it's too risky. But the repair never happens if you don't take the risk and have that conversation. I will say, if it's gotten to a point where it's very cyclical and it's getting worse and worse and worse, like I was talking to you earlier, this is when you know that you need to get help. I mean, I personally feel like if you're in a PMDD

Rebuilding Hope With Repair Plans

SPEAKER_00 10:51

relationship, you need to be getting help at least one. I call it a checkup. A lot of my private clients, I start with you weekly. When we're first working together, I start, we have weekly sessions because there's so much to uncover. There's so much underneath there. There's so much that has already caused damage. There's so much that we have to repair. And then after that, I would say that we meet at least once a month because I don't want there to be another realm of buildup, another realm of there's months of things that you haven't said, years of things that you haven't said to your partner, and they're never really understanding what's really going on with you. And then one day they say they want to break up. It's not because of the one argument or the one fight that you had, it's because of everything that they're thinking about, things that they haven't addressed, things that they feel like it's not safe to. So that's when I say when you feel like you're walking on eggshells, it's because you don't know if having that conversation is gonna make you guys have one more argument, and that one more argument is gonna take you over. A lot of times you know, when you're getting to that point where it's like, if it gets to this point, I know that I have to be done with the relationship. And I've been there before where I say, if it's gotten so unhealthy that it's now impacting my child, that's my breaking point, right? So I'll try everything that I can to not get to that point. But it's so hard when you feel like you're getting closer and closer every single month. So what happens is when you have those those private sessions with me, I'm taking you further away from getting your line. First of all, we need to know what your line is. What line does your partner not need to cross in order for you to end the relationship? So couples that repair after saying that they want to break up and they end up getting back together and they ended up getting back on the same page and they end up repairing a lot of the past trauma, are the ones that commit to taking breaking up off the table. You're committing for the period of time, and I say the minimum, minimum amount of time, uh, just to give you a little bit of reference, is we need to meet weekly for two months, right? This is why I have my monthly program because we need to be meeting every single week and unpacking what is presently going on and what has gone on in the past. Because a lot of times when you go into your luteal phase, you have two cycles of that. And so when you're going into the luteal phase, there's a lot of intrusive thoughts that happen, not just for the individual that has PMDD, but for the individual that doesn't have PMDD, those are intrusive thoughts. There are thoughts that you don't want. There are lies that are convincing you not to be with your partner. And if you do not approach those intrusive thoughts with a tool, you're gonna begin to think whatever your PMDD brain is telling you, or think whatever your brain is telling you if you're the partner that doesn't have PMDD, and it's gonna take you further and further away from your partner, further and further away from your relationship, especially when you're in that acute stage. I would say in the beginning of trying to get repair, because you're constantly remembering what happened in the past and remembering it in such a way where you can almost feel the pain, right? There's a way when you go into the emergency room, when you're in acute pain for trauma, there's certain amounts of pain that they say that you are going to feel because it's so fresh, because the wound is so fresh. That's the same thing in PMDD relationships. When you're coming to me to get help, there's still some circumstances that, some situations that happened, some things that were said that are so tender that every single time that you talk about them, it takes you back to that really, really dark place of being like, you know what, I don't even know why I'm with this person. Maybe I shouldn't be with them anymore, and all of these different things. But the difference between the couples that choose repair and the couples that choose the final breakup and just say, you know what, I'm not gonna do this, is they begin to not have any hope anymore. And the best compliment that I get with all of my private clients when they come off of a session with me is, Dr. Rose, I have hope again. And what that means is you believe that your relationship can look different. So many times we don't want to break up with a person, we want to break up with the stress that the P ⁇ D is causing, the stress that the trauma is causing. And when you get that hope back, you're like, okay, last month was horrible, but next month can be better. And so you have to be very intentional. When your partner has hope again, you have to be very intentional about the actions that you take or the behaviors that happen because it's very shaky, right? You're in that acute phase, it's very tender. And you have to protect a wound when it's raw, when it's raw and it's trying to heal. This is why they say put the band-aid on it or put the ointment on it. I'm explaining to you this in a physical sense because you cannot see PMDD, but the Herkel words that are said during PMDD arguments and fights are the same way. You have to be very careful about how you're even treating your partner, very careful that you're not crossing any lines, crossing any boundaries, crossing any non-negotiables because they're one foot in and one foot out, essentially, right? And so the couples that say, you know what, we're really not gonna make this work. This relationship is not gonna work, they've completely decided we're done. There's no hope because I feel like the relationship is gonna look the same next month. And that's not something that they're signing up for. It's not something that they're willing to do because they don't want to be in that level of pain anymore. And at that point, there's nothing that I can do because the hope is lost. It's almost like trying to revive a client after they they pretty much flatlined, right? I rather get you to come to me when you're still in that phase where it's still fresh, but you're not at a point where you have no hope. Because if I'm telling you, hey, if we work through this, if I give you my PMDD trauma transformational tools and we do these steps and we work through the repair, we work through things that have happened before, and we work through where we want to go, your relationship can look different. And I tell this to you because I know it, because I've counseled hundreds of PMDD partners, hundreds of PMDD sufferers at this point. And I'm telling you this, I'm telling you what I've seen, I'm telling you what I know. And this is not based off of a book that I just want to preface that. Like as someone who has had PMDD for over 20 years now, I didn't learn what I learned from a book. I learned it from actual PMDD partners, PMDD sufferers. My dissertation is directly linked to actual individuals who have pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder and their partners and their relationship experience. So if I'm telling you something, it's something that I have seen that actually works. I think there's so many, you know, professionals that are learning more about PNDD and they're talking about it from an outside perspective. They're talking about it about something that's been in a book or what they see or what they think or what they can tie to another diagnosis, whether it's bipolar or they say, hey, just do this and just think positive or just, you know, count to 10 and all the things. But I feel like unless you know what PNDD feels like, unless you've had premenstrual dysphoric disorder or you directly work with individuals who've had PMDD, it's not the same. So if I'm telling you that this is what you need to do, then you have to have hope to believe that it can look different, right? Because the individuals that don't have hope, they just quit. And a lot of times they actually come back to me, unfortunately, because they experience a lot of regret after the fact. Because you know, the luteo phase is the luteo phase. Once they've lost their partner, they're not with them anymore. Then they go back and they think about all the things that they should have done, all the things that they could have done, because you have to live with that. And sometimes people are at the point of no return. You kind of push them to the edge, or you or you've been pushed to the edge where it's like, I said I couldn't deal with this and it happened again, and now we're done. And once it's done, I cannot breathe life back into it because I can't restore the hope that has been lost. So, what I try to do is when you're close to that point, I try to show you that hey, things can look different. So, the first thing I want you to really understand is there's a difference between having PMDD fights and arguments and being incompatible. Your PMDD brain is always going to convince you that you're not compatible with your partner. Maybe you shouldn't be together, and you'll start to nitpick little things because things that don't bother you in your follicular phase, your ovulation phase, your menstruation phase, all of a sudden they you get in your luteal phase and you feel like I don't like that they do that. Or the fact that they do that, maybe we shouldn't just be together, or maybe I should be with somebody that doesn't do that. When you are in PMDD, when you're in your luteal phase, understand that your PMDD brain is always scanning, always scanning for the negativity in your partner. It is always looking for what's wrong with your partner. That is the number one thing that PMDD does every single month. I don't care how healthy your relationship

When PMDD Mimics Incompatibility

SPEAKER_00 19:51

becomes, your PMDD brain is your PMDD brain. And it's always going to be scanning for that. So what I have to do, I call it scanning for danger. It's like, what are you doing? This is why you feel like you're very hyper-vigilant. Things that your partner says and does, you're more sensitive to it. You're hypersensitive, you're hyper-vigilant, hyper, hyper, hyper. It's intensifying everything. If your partner doesn't text you back in a certain amount of time, your PMDD brain is going to convince you that, oh, they don't care about you, they don't love you. Maybe they're texting somebody else and they're pulling away and you're losing the relationship and it's telling you this whole story when your partner could have just been being busy. And again, the intrusive thoughts can happen for the partner that has PMDD and the partner that doesn't. But it wants to convince you that you're incompatible. Why? Why does it use incompatibility? Because incompatibility leads to the PMDD monthly breakups. Because if we're not compatible, we're not compatible. You are you, I am me. So the best way that P and D D can get you to do the PMDD monthly breakups is make it seem like you're just not a good fit. But what I always ask is when you go through the dating phase and you decide to be with someone, you decided to be with them for a reason. And your PMDD brain, when you're in your Ludeal phase, it's like you forget. You completely forget why I chose to be with this person because all you can see is a negative. You're like, well, I thought they were like this, and now that I see that they're like this. Dating is discovery. Dating is discovery. Just because you discover something different about your partner as time goes on doesn't mean that you're incompatible. But your luteal phase, your PMDD brain will try to convince you that you're incompatible. For the partner that doesn't have PMDD, it will try to convince you that you're incompatible because it'll try to convince you that your partner is who they are in their luteal phase. When they're going off on PMDD range, when they're having these intrusive thoughts, when they're they're just being a completely different version of themselves, you're like, oh, that's who they really are. So for the partners, PMDD attacks you and makes you feel like you want to do the PMDD monthly breakups because it makes you feel like who they are at their worst is who they are at their core. And if you truly believe that who your partner is at their worst is who they are at their core, you'll say, I don't want that. We're not compatible. I can't be with somebody who talks to me like that. I can't be with somebody who would do that. You're judging your partner in conflict as if that's the core of who they are. And that's what's gonna make you feel that you're incompatible, and that's what's gonna make you feel like you need to break up. Because you you're feeling like I cannot change the core of who this person is without recognizing that who someone is in conflict is not necessarily who they are at their core. I'm gonna say that again. Who someone is in conflict is not who they are at their core. When they're in conflict, that means their stress response is heightened. They go into the fight, they go into the flight, they go into the freeze, they go into the fine. The fight is every single time that you get in an argument, they're always there, they say the nastiest stuff to you. Sometimes, because of the brain fog and the stress and the overwhelm that they're feeling, they don't even Remember the stuff that they say to you. They immediately lash out and they say these hurtful words, they say these hurtful things. And then when you have the flight, you just want to leave. You want to leave. You want to shut down. It's called stonewalling. It's just as just as hurtful as someone that lashes out. And then there's the individual that just freezes. You may be the person that fights, and they're just sitting there taking it. And you're saying all these things, and you're just sitting there taking it because you're so stressed, you're stuck. You're so you can't move. You have things to say, but you're not able to say it in that moment. And maybe later on you're thinking, like, I should have said this and I should have said that. And then there's the person that's the font, the ultimate people pleaser. That every single time they get into conflict, they're pretty much agreeing with things that they don't really agree to just because they don't want to be stressed. They don't want to be overwhelmed. All of that is a different version of who you convert over to as a result of conflict. What I will tell you is you need to know what is your PMDD partner's, what is your partner's stress response? When they are stressed, what does it look like? Because when it comes to incompatibility, can you handle your partner when they are stressed, when they have that stress response? So I would ask you simple, simple terms, can you handle if your partner's stressed out and they start yelling and cursing at you? Some people can. Some people they can brush it off and it's like nothing and they'll be going back and forth and fighting. I don't, I do not say that one is better than the other. Remember, like I said it earlier, but you have to be able to handle what comes out, right? So if you know when your partner's stressed, their immediate stress response, and again, this can shift and change. We can rewire your brain to have a different stress response, but we want to deal with what is in front of you. Can you handle your partner when they're stressed and they're start yelling and getting defensive and fighting with you? The fight response. If you're like, yes, okay, then you're probably compatible because guess what? Stress is not going to go anywhere. Stress is gonna happen not just in your Ludeal phase, it's gonna happen all throughout your relationship. Can you handle your partner when they're stressed? And then can you handle your partner if they're in that shutdown mode? If you're wanting to talk about a situation and you're stressed out and the way that you regulate yourself is kind of working through it, can you handle it when your partner says nothing? When they're literally shutting down, where they're literally like, I'm going somewhere, I want to leave, I wanna go on a drive, I want to do this. Can you handle that? Or are you gonna be what I call being alone with your thoughts? Some people, it's very dangerous to leave them alone with their thoughts because their thoughts are intrusive thoughts. So by the time that person gets back, because they're trying to regulate themselves, they're trying to come down from the stress, they're automatically feeling defensive because you're coming in to an environment where they've been thinking negative things about you the whole time. So you've been trying to regulate yourself and calm down, and they've been getting more riled up because they can't handle your absence. In your absence, they're telling themselves a story as to why you're absent. Oh, they're doing this, oh, they're doing that. And you're not there to defend yourself, you're not there to tell them any different. So they fill in the gaps. And a lot of times in your luteal phase, and even for the partner that doesn't have P and D, when you're really stressed, your brain is trying to make sense of what's going on. So if there are any gaps, if there's any vagueness, if there's any space, if you guys both decide to, I'm going this way, I'm going this way, your brain is gonna fill in the gap, whether you're there or not. It's gonna make up a story to make it seem like, okay, so this is what's going on. It's gonna explain, oh, okay, but my partner's stressed out because of this. And the story is just what I said. It's a story, it's not accurate. It is your brain trying to say what is going on and give you a level of certainty. When your partner is in PNDD and they're in an eludeal phase, or when you're experiencing them in the luteal phase, not having certainty is a trigger because it leaves too much space for your brain to make up a story that's probably not true. And now we have to go back and address the story, not just the instance that happened that caused you to be stressed out. So by the time we're going through repairing stuff, I have to start from the beginning. What is the story that you told yourself? I had an instance before where me and my partner weren't talking for a while. And the whole time we weren't talking, I was trying to regulate myself because my stress response is to flee. I'm a I'm a runner. I'm a runner. That's my stress response, right? So I went off and I was trying to regulate myself. I was trying to do the healthy thing by calm down and all the things, journal, process, workout, all my things.

Stress Responses And Intrusive Stories

SPEAKER_00 27:40

While I was doing that, my partner was making up a story in their mind about what I was doing. And so we when we got to the point of repair, instead of talking about the situation that got us stressed out, I had to start with what is it that you think was going on with the situation? What is the story that was that you know your brain has been telling yourself? Because I only because I know. I know that a story was told. And it was, it was these allegations of all these things that was that were probably your partner's worst fears. Because when there's that space without the communication of taking space in a healthy way, then it leaves the door open for your worst fears to come true in your brain and your partner's worst fears to come true in their brain. We all have our worst case scenarios. And I talk a lot about my semi-private clients about this when they have this anxious attachment or they're feeling some type of way. I always say, well, what is the worst case scenario? What are you really thinking that's gonna happen? What do you think that's gonna happen if your partner does the worst thing to you? I need to know this, not because I want it to come true, but so I can address that fear. Because if not, every time you're a part, you're gonna be like, I knew it. I had a ex-partner that was like that. Oh my gosh, every time we broke up or had even some space or just the argument, he's like, I knew you're gonna cheat on me. I knew like because he had been cheated on in the past. So that core fear was always there. So when I say you have to know your partner's stress response, you have to be on alert to what is gonna happen. That means maybe if you have that kind of it's overwhelming fears about things like infidelity, stuff, maybe the compatibility of being with someone who shuts down and doesn't want to talk to you and completely detaches, that's an incompatibility. Meaning, not that you shouldn't be together, but it's like, hey, I probably need to be with someone who's able to sit with me. And I myself, with all the tools, had to learn that. I am not in a relationship, I'm not in a place where walking away, shutting down is okay. That rhymes. I'm not in a place, it's not gonna happen. Is that my default? Yes. And when I feel myself about to do it, do I have to pull back and say, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like I might, like I'll literally, I'll tell you how bad it is. If I'm in my ludeal phase and we're arguing, and and I'm and I'm hearing a fight response, like a yelling and cussing and whatever, I will literally be looking at the door. I'll be like, I need to get the heck up out of here. Get me out of here. I will be ready to remove myself from the situation because by removing myself, that's when I'm the most calm. But I had to retrain my brain, rewire my brain to say, how can I regulate myself? By regulate myself, it's just how can I calm down to feeling like my partner is a threat without leaving? It was so hard in the beginning. So that's what I want to say. When you're doing this process, it's so hard because you're rewiring a pattern that your brain is used to doing. Every single time you're stressed out, we want to break up, we want to leave, we want to fight, we want to argue, we want to freeze, we want to people please. That's the way it's been for years, even before your partner. So when you're deciding to do the work to make your relationship more healthy, to get to a place where you have a secure stress response or even a response that's compatible with your partner, you have to literally stop yourself. And that's why in a lot of my tools, one of the first ones is pause. Because in order when you pause, it's stopping the pattern. Pausing stops the pattern that does the damage in your response and in your relationship. If you don't pause, you're just gonna do what you always do. And um, a lot of times if you have premenstrual disorder disorder in your luteal phase, it's it's not gonna be good. It's the it's the negative thing. Without pausing, you break up. And then before you know it, you say it, then you immediately feel guilty and you're like, oh my gosh, I didn't mean it. Then you're wondering why they believed you, and you're wondering why they can't hurry up and snap out of it and be good again because you've said sorry. And I really want to talk to you about that because a lot of times when you've done the damage and you said you wanted to do the PM Diddy monthly breakup, and you're ready to get back with them because you didn't really mean it. Maybe you're the person that just pops off and says anything, and then you say, I didn't mean it. Those words are still stuck with your partner. They're probably still thinking that they believe the things that you're saying. They're like, oh, I know that you're saying sorry, but they really meant it. Because someone that really loved me, cared about me, wanted to be with me would never say that they don't want to be with me. They would never let those words come into their mouth. Like, because they may be a person that doesn't say hurtful words. Maybe they're the person that shuts down. So they're thinking, how could you say that to me? I would never say that to you. I love you, I care about you. I would be scared. Some people would be scared like to say those words because they fear that it would come true. Like some people are so attached to words, like I am, to where I feel like if you say something, you're speaking life into it, right? And that's the way I was raised. That's the way I grew up, where words have meaning. When you're speaking something, you're giving life to it. So just pop it off and saying anything is not a thing. Like I feel like, oh my gosh, I've I've called it out there. I've said that it's gonna happen because I I mentioned it. I say I'm gonna break up, so it's probably gonna happen, right? But some people are just like, oh, I just said that because I was stressed out in the moment, or I was triggered or I was upset, or I was like, I was mad, I was pissed off because you did this. Then there's that deflection. You did this and you did this, so that's why I said that. Like there's no, that's another reason why there's no repair, because you're so busy defending what you said in conflict instead of confronting it from a place of humility, of like, you know what, I should have never said that. Some of you have such a big ego that you cannot even apologize with your to your partner without making an excuse as to why you did the hurtful thing. And they're never gonna believe you. They're never gonna believe your apology if it's followed by an excuse, FYI. So you can pretty much say the sorry. Stop saying sorry and then say, oh, I only did this because you did this. Or I only did that, then you might as well not even apologize because they're not hearing it. Because they're like, okay, if you're defending it, then it must mean that you're gonna do it again. Nobody defends something unless they plan on doing it again. And what your partner needs in that place in order to forgive you is to know that you are sorry. There's no excuse for treating you that way, it's no excuse for saying that, no excuse for doing that, whatever it is, and it's not gonna happen again. I'm gonna do my best so that it doesn't happen again. Point blank, period. Then they can say, okay, I feel

Apologies That Actually Restore Trust

SPEAKER_00 34:20

like they get it, they receive it. Then there's space for repair. Some of you aren't even creating an environment for repair because you're so busy defending yourself. Because the ego is so big. And when you're in your luteal phase, the ego is so big. It's so big. It's like, oh, well, I don't even know why you're apologizing to them. Don't you remember what they said to you? And your brain is literally convincing you that what you did, they actually deserved it. There's no level of remorse because they're like, oh yeah, well, you only did that because of this, or don't be so hard on yourself because remember what they said to you. And then you're bringing up stuff that they said to you back in 1995. Like, come on. And I'm using that as an example because I feel like it's it's taken out of context. We're talking about this situation and you're you're bringing up something that I did in the past so it can seem like we're on even ground. But people do that because it doesn't feel good to take accountability and to just be in that raw place. Accountability doesn't feel good to people who have that ego that's taking over them. Because the ego is like, well, you're not really a bad person. Your ego is there to protect you, it's there to protect your character. It's there so you don't feel like this horrible monster. But in doing that, the ego will convince you that your partner deserved the things that you said and did. And then in that place, the apology, the repair never happens because you're so busy, like, oh yeah, I did it because of this. I did it. That's not healthy repair. That is reinforcing it because then your partner's like, see, they're not even sorry. Or they'll feel like, oh, they were only saying that in the moment. They were only apologizing for the moment just to get me to be a certain way, just to get what it is that they want. They're not really sorry because then your partner can make up a excuse. Oh, if they were really sorry, intentional repair looks like I'm willing to wave the white flag. I had to learn this too. Do not give an excuse. I'm sorry, but I did this because they don't want to know why you did it. They don't want to know. They want to know that you're not gonna do it again. If later on, after they've forgiven you, after the repair has happened, you want to sit down and explain your intentions by all means. But until they actually believe that you're sorry and you're remorseful, keep your intentions to yourself. Journal about it, talk to your friends about it, because your intentions will shadow the actual apology because it looks like you're making an excuse. I'm not saying having good intentions is bad. I'm saying when you're apologizing, you're waving the white flag. You didn't deserve that. I'm sorry. It's it's it's it's almost it's simpler because it's less words, it's less conversation, but it's harder for people to do. You would rather overexplain and offense something that you did than to just give the level of apology with no excuse. I'm I'm sorry, I should have never done that to you. I'm gonna do my best to work on that. And this is how. If you want to explain anything, which I always tell my private clients, if you if you're on a session with me, you say that you're not gonna do something again, you need to explain it to your partner why you're not gonna do it again. And what does that look like? What are you gonna do in response to that? Because your pattern is to cuss them out, your pattern is to shut down. What are you gonna do instead of that? Your partner needs to know that because if they just hear that you're not gonna do it again and they've heard that you're not gonna do it again a million times before, they're gonna think that you're gonna do it again. I'm not gonna do it again because I've learned this tool by Dr. Rose, and this is what it is. And so every single time that I feel like I want to do it, I'm gonna do this instead. Then you you're giving them proof. And it's like, oh, okay, that's believable. And what does that do? Restore hope. So now they feel like the pattern, the cyclical pattern of fights and arguments can change because there's a tool in place now versus I'm gonna try my best not to do it again. Well, they're gonna be like, well, you've been trying your best not to do it again for the past year. What what's what's any different? And you can't fault them for believing the pattern. Because a lot of times your words have been one thing and your actions have been completely different. And what happens is they lose hope because they put all of this hope in what you're saying, like, oh, maybe they really mean it this time. And then a situation happens and they're like, dang, I guess we're going through another fight, another argument, another month of this, where we only have a couple of good days. So the main difference between a couple that goes through with the PMDD monthly breakups and the one that doesn't is the one that loses hope and thinks that the pattern is gonna stay the same, they're out. Because they they've made it up in their mind, I don't deserve this, I don't want to be here, this doesn't feel good, and nothing is showing me anything different. And like I said, once they're gone, they're gone. They may or may not circle back because it's just it's too painful because they have all of those memories of things that has happened before, and there's nothing guaranteeing that it's not gonna happen again. And sometimes for people that have gone through PMDD relationships, especially where there's abuse that's been involved, you don't you don't need to get abused a billion times in order to decide that it's not, it doesn't feel good, it's not what you want. And your brain is gonna convince you every single month to get the heck up out of there. That's what's gonna happen. Every single month that they show an inkling of that behavior again, it's gonna be like, you need to leave, you need to leave, you need to leave, you need to, and eventually you're gonna listen to that voice one time. And that's when they finalize and they really do the PMDD monthly breakup. And it's not a monthly breakup, it's just a breakup. Versus the couple that says, you know what? I'm willing to go, I'm willing to risk doing the apology in a way that my partner can receive. I'm willing to do the work to get to the core of it. I'm willing to repair. And then you restoring a new pattern. There has to be a new identity in your relationship, a new identity as to what it looks like, a new vision. You should always have a vision of what do you want in the relationship? What does your partner want in the relationship? A lot of times it's looking like a hot mess, and you want it to look like this because that's the reason why you decided to be. That's the reason why you decided to be. I'll get you, Angie. That's the reason why you decided to be with this person because there's something that they showed you that they had the propensity to say, you know what? I think that I want to be with this person. I see this kind of future. Every single month in PNDD, you're losing that vision every single time you go into those PNDD monthly fights and you're saying that you want to break up. So the couples that stay together and repair are the ones that the hope is there again. So we're re-reframing the identity, reframing the pattern so that they can see that what they originally signed up for, the original reason why they wanted to be with you, the reason that they want to be with you in the follicular phase is still there. Because a lot of times your partner thinks that it's gone. They're like, where's that person that I used to have before? Because now your PMD monthly breakups are seeping into even your good days. You're like, I don't even think we had a good month, even in the good days. And when that's happened, you you really need to reel it in and say, you know what, we need to get help. We need to get help because we're we're in it too deep. And I always say, like, it's um, it's like people get so they come to me and they're at rock bottom. And I always tell them rock bottom is a great place to be because there's nowhere to go but up. Meaning, when you first hit rock bottom, you have to stand up. And then after you stand up, that's when you restore hope. And then every single time we have a session, you're climbing to the top, you're climbing to the top, you're climbing to the top. So it's not a bad thing to reach rock bottom. A lot of times people don't want to reach rock bottom because it feels horrible, but that's when you're really dealing with all of the mess. That means you've gotten through everything that you've been through, gotten to the bottom of it. And once you feel, address, get tools for things that have happened in the past, they don't come back up. They do not come back up. If you take your hand down and you pull out the root of a plant, it's not gonna grow back. A lot of you are clipping it at the top. You're clipping, you're putting band-aids on it, you're putting band-aids on your relationship. I promise I'm not gonna do it again. I promise I'm not gonna do it again. Next month comes around, you do it again. You're putting a band-aid on it. You're clipping it at the top. I, what we do when we work together, I'm digging to the root of it. I'm pulling it up. This is a behavior that doesn't work for you. This is a behavior your partner doesn't like. We need to rewire this. We need to rework this, plant a new seed, create a new identity, and what is gonna grow from that is gonna be a completely different version of your relationships. The beautiful things that you still love in the follicular phase and the ovulation phase for some of you and the menstruation phase, they're still gonna be there, but it's gonna look different because the root itself, you've gotten to the root of your issues, and that's the difference between the couples that actually repair from the PMDD monthly breakups and stop saying that they want to have the PMDD monthly breakups, and the couples that actually eventually, month after month after month, and then one person is just like, you know, one or the both of you are just like, you know what, I can't do this anymore. So this is something that you know that you need help with, you know that you've been in this cycle, you know that you maybe have hit rock bottom, maybe you've said and done some things and and I and I've heard it all. I've heard and seen it all. So I never want you to feel like, oh, we're too far gone. Because I've been with people that have been in that rock bottom place and they rebuilt it and it looks completely different, and you actually feel stronger and you feel closer because you conquered PMDD from ruining your relationship. Are you still gonna have symptoms in your Ludio phase? Yes, but you're gonna have a tool that's assigned to all of the things that are directly impacting your PMDD relationship. So if that's something that you know that you need help with, go to the link down below or go to inlove with pmd.com and get those counseling sessions. And until next time, we got this. I love you.