How to Break FREE From Feeling Trapped in Your PMDD Relationship

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Freedom is the word we keep coming back to, because PMDD can make love feel like a monthly trap. When the luteal phase hits, it’s easy to believe you’re “too much,” to hide what you need, or to assume you and your partner are simply not compatible. We slow that down and name what’s really happening: a predictable cycle, a stressed nervous system, and a relationship dynamic that needs tools, not shame.

We dig into what it means to choose a PMDD-compatible partner, especially the kind of compatibility that holds up on the hard days, not just during follicular and ovulation when everything feels easy. We talk about people pleasing, self-abandonment, and how resentment builds when you keep giving while your own needs go unnamed. Then we get practical with the three needs that show up in every intimate relationship: affection, attention, and validation. If you don’t ask, your partner can’t reliably respond, and “out of nowhere” conflict is rarely out of nowhere.

You’ll also hear a simple phrase that can de-escalate a spiral fast: “My PMDD brain is tricking me again.” It’s a bridge between self-awareness and communication, so your partner understands what’s happening without you having to find perfect words mid-wave. We keep it real about responsibility too: PMDD isn’t your fault, but it is your responsibility to manage, and being yourself never means being harmful.

If you want support that’s customized to your relationship, check out the Freedom Sale: go to inlovewithpmdd.com, use code freedom, and get $50 off private sessions. Subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more PMDD couples can find these tools.

Transcript

Freedom Month And Feeling Trapped

SPEAKER_00 0:54

Today, we're going to be talking all about freedom in your PMDD relationship. And the reason why is because it is July here in the USA, and this is freedom month. And I really wanted to hone down on what freedom means from PMDD because I know that pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder can make you feel trapped. And one of my core words that I always have as a goal for myself and for my clients is to feel freedom. And I know a lot of times the partners can feel trapped because they feel trapped in this cyclical environment that they can't control. They don't know what to do. And then the individuals with PMDD feel trapped. And so what I want to do and what I want to provide for you are tools for you to have freedom in your PMDD relationship. So it doesn't have to feel like this cyclical trap that you're forced to be in every single month, where you're not knowing what to do, you're not knowing how to handle things, and you're feeling like you want to have those PMDD monthly breakups. And so I wanted to talk to you about what is required for you to have freedom in your PMDD relationship because I have been in relationships where I have not had freedom, where I felt completely stuck, where I felt like it was making my PMDD symptoms worse, where I felt like I just was going through the motions every single month and nothing was changing. And I talked to my partner about it. Like I was able to come out of what I was going through in my luteal phase and talk to my partner. And he felt the same way. He was walking on eggshells. You know, before I've had past partners that have felt like that. And I said, you know, I don't want to create a PMDD prison as a relationship. I am an Enneagram seven. I'm a Sagittarius. One of my core values is freedom. And so I think one of the things that had me go into the PMDD monthly breakups early in my journey is that I felt like I didn't want my partner to feel stuck. I didn't want them to be stuck with me. I didn't want them to be stuck with PMDD. I was almost thinking about the other person and saying maybe they would just be better off without me. Maybe they should be with someone who didn't have premenstrual dysphoric disorder. It would be so much easier for them. And I what I ended up doing was developing tools where if I want to be able to be in relationships, be in actual happy relationships, not relationships that you have to be in, just relationships that you genuinely enjoy. I developed these tools to allow me to do so while having premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Because I think so many times we're on our journeys, we're thinking like, oh, I need to get rid of P and D D and then I'm going to be in a relationship. Well, you can be in a relationship, have P and D D and still feel free in your relationship, still be able to be yourself. And so one of the mistakes that I made earlier in my journey, and I'm going to really share that with you, is when I was choosing a partner to be with, I wasn't choosing a PMDD partner. I was just choosing a partner. And a lot of times I chose my partner when I was in my good days, when I was in my follicular phase, when I was in my ovulation phase, and I was feeling great and I was feeling amazing. I was choosing who is going to be compatible for me when I'm feeling good, because that was the time that I was wanting to be in a relationship. I didn't realize until later on, almost 10 years later, that I needed to choose a PMDD

Choose A Luteal Compatible Partner

SPEAKER_00 4:21

partner that was compatible for who I was in all phases of my cycle, including my luteal phase. But most specifically, if you were compatible with me in my luteal phase, we can pretty much work out everything else, right? Because we all know that the luteal phase is the hardest part. When we're experiencing PMDD, it's the hardest part of being in a relationship. Everything else seems like a cakewalk. Like when I have, you know, disagreements with my partner in my ovulation phase and my follicular phase, it seems like nothing compared to when I have arguments in my luteal phase. So I said, I need to find a person that is compatible to me when I'm in that phase. But the first part of that is recognizing how am I in that phase? What is it that I need when I'm in my luteal phase? And this is why I'm getting to this thing about freedom. I felt so restrained, so stuck, so stifled in my luteal phase because I was always having all of these questions about, you know, whether I was good enough, whether I was doing things for them. Like I'm a recovering people pleaser. I'm always trying to make sure that my partner is good. And a lot of times what that resulted in was abandoning what it is that I needed for the result of being what it is that they needed. And I thought that I was doing a good thing, but in reality, over time, if you abandon yourself so much in a relationship, and by abandon, I mean you forget about how you're feeling and you're only thinking about how the other person is feeling. Eventually you're gonna get bitter, you're gonna get resentful because you're gonna start to feel like, what about me? How many times have you been in a relationship where you've literally thought, I've given so much, I've done so much, but what about me?

People Pleasing And Quiet Resentment

SPEAKER_00 6:06

Who's thinking about me? And it's not in a narcissistic way, it's not in a selfish way, it's in I deplete myself for everyone else that I care about, that I love, that I'm in a relationship with, that I'm intimate with. But then when it comes to me, I'm in those moments where I'm suffering in silence, where I'm figuring out how to patch myself up, where I'm figuring out how to build myself up when I feel depleted, even though I'm in a relationship. And so over time you get resentful and you start to ask yourself the question: what is the point of me being in a relationship with someone if I always have to meet my own needs? I probably could just be by myself. I probably could do it easier by myself. And that's when you start to look into the breakups because you start looking outside of being with that person because you're feeling so much pressure of meeting your needs and your partner's needs, and no one else is kind of meeting each other in the middle. Like your partner's not thinking about you, and you're not thinking about how I can, you know, make up for all of the things that I'm giving of myself in order to pour back into me. Like you start to neglect yourself. You're like, oh, I'll be okay. I haven't gotten affection in a while. But you know that your body and your mind is telling you that you need affection. But you're like, no, no, no, I'll be okay. But then when it comes to them, you're giving them whatever it is that they need. And a thing that I really want you to understand, you and your partner are gonna need different things at different times. So a lot of times the mistake that is made is you're giving your partner things that you need instead of really studying them, seeing them to understand what they need in any given moment. And the only way you can do this is to really have a level of intimacy. And what I mean by intimacy is you're studying your partner. I will always, always, always tell you, you need to study your partner, you need to know their patterns, and you don't need to get complacent because what your partner needed in one season may not be what they need right now. So this is why when I work with my private clients, we're not just going off of one framework, like, okay, this is what worked for you during this time, or just do this and just go on repeat. Because what happens is when you have premenstrual discord disorder or you're in a PMDD relationship, any issues that you have with your partner, PMDD is gonna rip the blanket off of them and expose them. And if you're not in a place where you're really in tune with what's going on with your partner, you're not gonna know what's going on. You're gonna automatically think that you you're not compatible because you're always arguing, you're always fighting. You're always arguing and you're always fighting because you're pointing your efforts at places that that are not really what your person needs. And so the first mistake that happens is you stop being open with your partner about what it is that you really need in fear of number one, that maybe they won't meet your needs. Or number two, maybe you're asking too much. For the individual that has PMDD, you may be thinking, I don't want to ask my partner specifically for what I need because what if that's too much? And what if they can't do it, and all of these other things? And for the partner that doesn't have PMDD, you're probably thinking, I'm watching my partner suffer with PMDD every single month. Why should I even bring up what's going on with me? It would be selfish of me to bring up that, like, hey, babe, I know you you have this sensitivity to noise. I know you're overstimulated, and maybe you want some time to yourself, but I really need some affection right now. I need some attention right now. There's three things that you always need in a relationship. And if you do not ask for them, you're gonna get bitter and resentful for not getting them. That

The Three Needs You Must Name

SPEAKER_00 9:33

is affection, attention, and validation. Those are the three things that you are going to desire if you're in an intimate relationship. But if you're in a place where you're not open enough, where you're not safe enough, right? You're not safe enough to just be open and say, I need some attention right now. I need some validation right now, I need some affection right now. And again, use your own words in how you're asking for it, but at least you're asking for it. So you're putting your partner on alert to say, okay, this is what they're needing in any given moment. Because what happens is when you don't ask for what it is that you need in a relationship and you pretend like you're okay when you're not really okay, your partner's not gonna meet your needs. They're gonna be going about their days, feeling like everything's great, everything's fine. And then one day they're gonna get so fed up and they're gonna say, This is not working for me. We're not compatible, maybe we shouldn't be together, all of these things. And you're gonna think it came out of nowhere, but it didn't come out of nowhere. It came out of not speaking up and saying what it is and not feeling free enough to say what it is that you genuinely need. So I really had to go back and think about all of the times where I didn't say what I really needed in a relationship and what was the reason why. And I did this with my clients. What is the reason why? The reason why is a fear. You're fearing that your partner's gonna think that you're too much. You're feeling like I don't want to bring this up because they'll get upset, or I need to tone down my personality because I'm too much, or I can't be excited because they're in a bad mood, or maybe I should hide my PNDD symptoms, you know, because uh they don't like it when I'm in my luteal phase, or I need to fix them before I can enjoy myself. These are all of the thoughts that are going on in your mind where you're really neglecting who you are in the relationship for the sake of the other person. And you think that you're doing a good thing, but it's never a good thing because it's not sustainable. The reason I say it's not sustainable because you can't do that forever. Eventually, you're even if you want it to, your mind and your body is not going to allow you to continue to neglect yourself when it's something that it needs, right? If you're in an intimate relationship, you're going to desire affection at some point. And to say that you're not is unrealistic. So if you notice that the level of affection that your partner is giving you is not to the level that meets your needs, instead of just settling for what for the breadcrumbs that they're giving you or whatever it is that they're giving you, ask for more in a way where you're being open and honest. And it's not like, hey, you're being demanding about it, but you're giving them some insight that there's something that I'm missing at this moment that I really need in this intimate relationship. Because how else would they know unless they are so in tune where they recognize the shift? And there are some partners that do this. Um, I actually have a partner that does this that is so in tune with me that they know if my mood shifts, if my vibe shifts, like, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, something's going on. But the expectation that everybody's gonna have that skill, everybody's gonna have that ability is unrealistic, right? I know that I have for once in my life, once in my life chosen a relationship that allows me to have the freedom to be me while having PMDD. And what I mean by that is there was a time earlier in my relationship where I wanted to go back into my, I'm a recovering people pleaser. So I wanted to go into, okay, I'm like this when I'm single. And then when I'm in a relationship, I'm like this. So I automatically I study. I teach you and I do what it is that I teach you because I know that it works. I know what works and I don't what doesn't work because I've done both. And I start to study my partner, and I'm like, okay, they like this, they don't like this, they don't like this. And so I start to tailor what I'm doing, how I'm moving, how I'm shifting, my personality, all of these things to

Differences That Become Your Support

SPEAKER_00 13:34

my partner to make sure that whatever they're they need, that it's aligned. And I'm finally with an individual that doesn't allow me to abandon myself and say, no, no, no, no. I don't want you to be what it is that you think that I need. I want you to be yourself. I love who you are, and who you are is very different from who I am, but stay like that. Don't become like me, and I don't have to become like you. Like there's a level of freedom when you're recognizing that you don't have to be identical to your partner. You know that phrase opposites attract. I don't believe the opposites automatically attract. I believe that you learn to embrace the qualities in your partner that are different from yours, and you start to look at them as a benefit instead of a burden. I'm gonna say that again. You start to look at the differences that you have with your PMDD partner as a benefit instead of a burden. What that means is if you're a person that's really all over the place and you're very you're a creative, I'm a creative. So a lot of creators are all over the place, right? So what do you need? I remember, oh my gosh, and I just remembered this. So remember earlier on my journey when I went through my divorce, I ended up hiring a dating coach. And he was like, we have really similar personalities and we're all over the place. We're so creative, we have all of these ideas. And he was saying, you know, I just really needed to be with somebody that grounds me. And I remember thinking about that, and I was just like, ugh, I wouldn't want that. Like, I don't want somebody to grounds me. I want somebody that's gonna bippity bop all around the world with me and be in the same vibe as me because then we'll never have any conflict, we'll never have any disagreements, really like that, because we're both wanting the same thing. What I didn't realize is when you have two people that are doing the same thing, there's nobody that grounds you. Like there, there has to be some level of reality that's like, wait a minute, you want to go off, you want to go on all these vacations. What about your budget? You know, what about the hotel? Like, what about the security around the hotel? What about like someone that's paying attention to all of the things that I probably wouldn't pay attention to? And I ended up getting into a relationship with someone that naturally does that, naturally does that. And that's so important because when you find a person to be with, when you have PMDD, it's best to find someone that naturally has the qualities that you need that you may not even know that you need, versus, oh, I feel like I need this quality and forcing your partner to be that way or getting upset with them because they're not that way. So one of the things that I noticed in the dating realm with my partner was, you know, he was he's very hyper-vigilant about our surroundings, very much looking around, scanning the environment. What about this? Did you read the reviews on this? Did you do this? Very detail-oriented, very, very logistical mindset. And I'm very creative mindset. Like I have a more creative mindset, he has a more logical mindset. And I could look at that two different ways. I could look at that as a burden, or I could look at that as a blessing and a benefit. So the burden side, which will happen in your PMDD realm when you're in your luteal phase is oh, they're always asking all these questions. They always want all these details, they always want this and this and this, until you get into an environment that is potentially unsafe, and then you don't have anyone that's gonna protect you. Right? So what I did was reframe, okay, this is very different from me. He's very different from me. He said it the other day, like you, we are the exact opposite. Like whoever I am, he's the opposite. And I remember I used to think that that was like, wow, we really, you know, we when you go into a relationship a lot of times, you tend to look for the similarities, but you actually need to look for the differences in a way that complements you. Again, if you have PMDD, when you're in your luteal phase. Because when I'm in my Luteal phase and I'm feeling overwhelmed, I actually desire someone that can take the lead from me in times and places where I don't have the energy. Not because I don't want to have the energy, not that I don't desire to have the energy, but because I genuinely don't have it. When I have a level of fatigue, I've always been, you know, I've been a single mom for so long. Like my daughter's 16, she'll be 17 this year. I'm so used to being a single mom that when I got into my luteal phase, I would push myself, push myself, push myself to where I would make my PMDD symptoms worse. But I felt like that was the norm. This is what I have to do. And now I have a partner that's like, you know, you know what, baby, like you need to, you know, he says Rome isn't built in a day. Like you don't need to do all of this. You need to slow down, you need to rest. You need, and I'm just like, I'm used to trying to grind so much that I a lot of times forget about myself. I abandon myself. I neglect what I really need. And earlier in my journey, if I was in my luteal phase, I would pretend I remember this. I did this with my ex-husband. I pretended like I wasn't in my luteal phase when I really was, because I knew that when I got into my luteal phase, it triggered him. And so I would go into my luteal phase and be like, I'm fine, I'm totally fine. I was totally in that realm of toxic positivity because I felt like that was the only way that our relationship was gonna work is if I was in a place of abandoning myself, pretending like I didn't have PMDD. And I remember that one month that I did that, we were fine, we were great. And I was like, and I was so happy until I realized I'm gonna have to keep this up. I can't keep this up. And that's what happens when you abandon yourself, you neglect how you really feel, you pretend that you're one way, but you're really another. You begin

Stop Masking And Own Your PMDD

SPEAKER_00 19:25

to freak out because you understand I can do this for maybe one month, two at max, but there's no way that PMDD is gonna allow me to keep stuffing down how I really feel. And then you're gonna start to think if I have to pretend like I'm a different version of myself in order to be in this relationship, maybe we're not compatible, maybe we shouldn't be in this relationship. That's when you go into the PMDD monthly breakups. Instead of really recognizing, hey, I need to be myself, I need to be able to be myself. And by be yourself, I do not mean be verbally or physically abusive. A lot of times you all are taking my words out of context and be like, you need to take me as I am. This is not church, okay? This is a relationship. What I mean by that is PMDD is not your responsibility to project onto your partner. It's not your fault that you have PMDD, but it's your responsibility to manage. Remember that. And I'm gonna keep reminding you of that because I feel like sometimes even when you're first finding out that you have PMDD, you're like, oh, this explains my mood. This explains why I went off with my PMDD partner. This is why I have this anger and my rage every month. So now that I have this explanation, I don't have to change. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's almost like once you have that level of self-awareness, you do have to change because now you know what the issue is, and now you can go get help for that. This is something that I'm going to help you with in this month of July. I have a freedom cell because I want you to feel free while having PMDD. So my freedom cell is going to take off a percentage of my private sessions because I really it's going to take $50 off of my private sessions. You're going to be able to go to my website, put in the code freedom and get $50 off. I don't want you to have an excuse not to get help in your PMDD relationship. So I want you to feel as free as I now do, as my private clients do, because we now are developing tools because everything that I do is is customized. This is why I thrive off of my private sessions that I have with you because I want to really know what's going on in your PMDD relationship. Could I create a course that's a one size fits all and say this is for PMDD relationships? Yes, but would it address the individual issues and the trauma that you've experienced from all of your past fights and arguments? Would it help you address those and move forward and have individual tools? No. It's going to give you blanket information that you're going to have to take and piece together and hopefully it matches what you're actually going through. What my private sessions do is I get to know you, I get to know your PMDD partner, and then I get to give you tools that actually work for the both of you that you agree on. And I can work with one or both of you individually. I don't have to work with both because I've been at I have a lot of clients where one partner is open and one partner is not, but I'm giving you the tools of what you need to do to move forward and not have your last month in PMDD look like your next month. And one of the things that I always say is that you feel free to be going into your PMDD because I feel like so many times when you're about to go into your luteo phase, there's so much, oh my gosh, I'm going to my luteo phase, I'm going to my luteo phase. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? What am I going to do? So you're even in your good days and you're having anxiety about going into your luteo phase because you know that there's going to be levels of your PMDD relationship that are going to be impacted and you don't have the tools and you do damage and your partner. Does damage. And for a lot of you, I don't want you to have to reach rock bottom. I don't want you to have to get to the point where you've almost broken up or you've broken up and you're getting back together and you're saying, This is our last straw. I know a lot of my clients come to me when they get to that point, but I'm giving you the opportunity to get ahead of it, to say, I don't want to wait till I say or do something that I cannot take back. Or if you've said and done stuff that you can't take back, take the time to repair that because you cannot heal what you don't reveal. Just saying sorry when you've done something to your PMDD partner, whether you're the partner that has PMDD or doesn't, is not enough. And I feel like I need to really explain that because I think a lot of you are like, I don't understand why my partner's not okay because you know, I apologize for whatever I did. Yeah, apology doesn't erase the impact. And that's a whole don't I will go on a completely different tangent on that, but I want you to feel free to be exactly who you are. There's a reason why when you, you know, they say marry your best friend. And I think I did a post on this. I know, I know I did a post on this. Um they say that because you're completely open and vulnerable with your best friend. And I want you to get to a point. It's not saying that you have to marry your best friend or be with your best friend, but I want you to get to a point where you feel the level of openness, intimacy, safety, and vulnerability to say what it is that you really need at any given moment, what is it that's going on in your PMDD brain, to say it. Because a lot of times you think that you're doing the right thing by holding it in, but you're really doing more damage by not telling your partner what's going on. Because when you have PMDD and you're acting weird, you're acting different, you're acting off, your energy's off, your mood is off, your partner understands it. He knows it. He or she knows it. And they're trying to figure it out. Because if you don't tell them, they're going to create a story in their brain as to why you're acting, why you're acting. Instead of just being open and saying, this is, I'm feeling like this. I don't know why. Probably because my PMDD brain is tricking me again. That's a mantra that I really want you to start using if you have PMDD, because it really helps me and it's helped a lot of my private clients. Literally say this. My PMDD brain is tricking me again. I'm creating something very, very, very special for this that's really going to help you. But in the meantime, that's a phrase that you can use. I'm very big on mantras because when you're in PMDD, there's so many, you have the brain frog, you don't remember a lot of things. Just know that when you're having the intrusive thoughts, when your mind is spinning, when you're overthinking, when you're feeling paranoid, when you're feeling rejected, even if you don't have the exact words to say to your partner in that moment, you can literally just tell them my PMDD brain is tricking me again. And they're going to be able to understand, okay, this is not her. It's something going on in her luteophase

My PMDD Brain Is Tricking Me

SPEAKER_00 25:54

because she has premenstrual disorder, she has PMDD, and it's messing with her brain. You know, PMD really messes with a lot of aspects of your life, but the brain is my wheelhouse. It's my forte. It is my specialty because out of all of the PMDD symptoms that I experience every single month, the brain is the part that impacts my relationships the most. I can be, I can, which has been happening a lot lately, which I'm not a fan of. I've been experiencing a lot of night sweats. I don't experience night sweats and go off on my partner because I have PMDD. I can have a lot of body aches. I don't have body aches and it makes me want to go off on my partner in PMDD. Whatever's going on in my body, feeling fatigue, doesn't make me want to go off on my partner in PMDD. But what goes on in my brain, what goes on in my mind, it traps me because I'm trying to figure things out, overly intrusive thoughts, overthinking. That is this is why the majority of my tools have to do with your PMDD brain, because that is the part that impacts relationships the most. Because if you were just the sweetest, nicest, kindest person and you had fatigue and you had night sweats, and you had all of those things, your partner would have no problem being the supportive PMDD partner and being there for you, and you probably wouldn't have any conflict. The reason why you have issues with your PMDD partner is because you're going off on them. And the reason why you're having issues with your PMDD partner is because you have these P and D D intrusive thoughts that are telling you stories about your partner that you're not sure if they're true, but they're feeling like they're really true in the moment and you're behaving as if they're true. That's because you're being affected by your P and D D intrusive thoughts. The reason why you're having issues in your relationship is because your attachment style shifts when you go into your luteo phase. Maybe you're really open, maybe you're really loving. You go into your luteal phase, all of a sudden you pull away. They're disgusting to you. You don't like to hear them breathe. Everything that they do is so loud. You don't want to be around them. That's going to affect your relationship. So the things that I address are the things that are going to impact your relationship specifically. Everything else that has to do with the body and all of those other things. There's so many people that are really in the PMDD community that I have worked with, been on their podcast, and they have so I'm like one of my closest friends is a yoga teacher. And she even, I work with her for a while about like, you know, stillness and getting the tenseness out of my traps in my body, like how trauma, the PMDD trauma is trapped in my body. I go to people in the PMDD community to help me with specific things that are not relationships. So it's like that phrase where it says it takes a village. I have a lot of my private clients that come to me. They have their own therapists, they have their own counselor for a lot of other things that are going on in their life. But when it comes to PMDD, they come to me. I'm rhyming again because that is my specialty. PMDD relationships is my specialty. So I don't want you to feel like it's a one-stop shop, like, oh, I'm already working with a therapist. Okay, so if you're working with a marriage or family therapist, if you're working with a counselor, if you're working with someone that's not familiar with PMDD, that's fine. Continue to work with them. I'm going to tell you to continue to work with them because they're helping you in an arena that is their specialty. PMDD is my specialty. I've had so many counselors, therapists, psychologists, gynecologists refer their patients to me because PMDD is not their specialty. And they're aware of that. And they're not, they they're in integrity where they're not going to pretend like they know about something that they don't really know about. I always tell you if you're working with someone with PMDD, they either have to have had PMDD, have PMDD, or work with individuals that have PMDD. My dissertation is on PMDD partners. Partners, meaning individuals that are in PMDD relationships, the partner. So I not only help the individual that has PMDD, I help the partner a lot because I took myself out of the equation when I was writing my dissertation and said, what is my partner going through? What, how are they feeling from being with someone that has PMDD? It's not all about me in PMDD.

What Partners Experience On Eggshells

SPEAKER_00 30:13

Rhyming again. It's not all about me. It's not all about you. The ego will make you think, oh, I need to do this and I need to feel better and I need to. That's the ego. Your partner is going through a lot. The first thing is really questioning whether PMDD is really a thing or whether you're just using it as an excuse to be horrible to them. So a lot of times when they're in that place of really thinking about is PMDD a thing, they're thinking about is this something that you're making up in order to pretend like you're you're one way when you're really wanting to be evil to them. And then now you just have an excuse of why you're evil to them, right? It's one of those situations. So we have to work through that. Them feeling like that is not a bad thing. Almost all of the PMDD partners that come to me have to be, they they they have to have a level of understanding before they can even begin to work on the PMDD relationship. They have to understand, is my partner tricking? You know how I keep saying that your PMDD brain is tricking you? What'll happen is your partner will think that you having PMDD is tricking them. They'll begin to think that you're just using PMDD as an excuse to trick them into treating them how you really want to treat them. They'll think it's a scam. Like they'll literally be like, PMDD is a scam. She just wants to be horrible to me. And if I could curse on this podcast, you know I would. I would say what I really want to say, but I can't say it because I keep this safe for individuals that are, you know, 13. I have clients that are so young and I don't want them to not be able to listen to this podcast. But what I will say is the basis of freedom, going back, going back, going back. If you feel like you're walking on eggshells as the individual that has PNDD and the individual that doesn't, it's because you're not free to be who you really are. You're not free to say how you really feel because you feel like you're gonna get punished for it. Let's just be honest. A lot of partners and individuals that have PNDD are really there's a lot of fear that they have. I fear my partner's reaction. So therefore, I'm gonna act like this. And as an Enneagram 7, as a Sagittarius, that is no way to live. I remember out of all of the PMDD tools that I developed, I said I want to create something to where an individual feels like they can be free while having PMDD. So if you know that this is something that you need help with, go get those client sessions, use the code this month, use the code freedom on my website, in love with pmd.com, to get that discount, to get those private sessions so we can start working together so you can feel free. Because what happens is when you don't, you're going to feel so resentful that you spend days, months, years being a different version of yourself. And then one day you're gonna say, I just want to find myself. And I've been here before, where I have gone through PMDD breakups, not the monthly breakups, the the final breakups, and I've gone through such a glow-up. You can go back, go back, go back, go back. My um my Instagram is Dr. Rose Vibes, D-R-Rose, and then Vibes V-I-B-E-S on Instagram. Go back and look at me. Look at me when I was in my previous PMDD relationship. I had a glow up for the year after the divorce because I was finally, I finally decided I was gonna be myself. It wasn't that my past PMDD partner was a bad person. He just wasn't the person for me in my ludial phase. You have to, can you just really just sit with that? He wasn't the person for me in my ludial phase. Not the person overall, not a bad person. Not that we weren't compatible. When I got into my ludeal phase, the things that I needed in my PMDD partner, the things that I, the way that I needed to be, was causing him suffering. It wasn't fair to him and it wasn't fair to me. I wasn't getting what I needed, and he was suffering when I was in my lude phase. Now I have a relationship where I can go into my ludeal phase, do the things that I need to do, and my partner still feels loved, still feels connected. And I've never had that. I've always had to pretend and be like, oh, I, you know, one of the things that keeps me feeling free while having PNDD is my morning routine. And I talked to my partner the other day, and he's like, Oh, yeah, you have to have your morning routine. And I was like, Why are you? I said, You're the first person that I've ever been with that I haven't had to convince, that I haven't had to hide my morning routine and or kind of alter it a little bit, like, oh, I don't need to take a full, you know, 90 minutes. Maybe I could just take 10 minutes here, 10 minutes there. And I I abandoned myself. I pretended like I didn't need what I really needed in order to be with that person because I knew that it triggered them, because maybe they wanted to connect in the morning and all of these things. And he said, No, no, no. I'm I'm gonna uh talk to you, interact with you, all the things after you, or I'm gonna make sure that you have your morning routine. You know what he said? Because I didn't like how you treated me when you didn't have your morning routine. And a part of me, like I had like a moment where I paused because I knew that he was very respectful of me having a morning routine. I just didn't know why. Like I was just like, man, that's I it didn't come automatically. That's what I want to say. Like the things that you're gonna need, you have to work through it. You have to get burned a little bit, right? You touch the stove, you get burned, and then you're like, I don't want to be burned again. And that's literally the mentality. It's a it's a studying, it's a testing, and then you once you figure it out, you move forward and you figure it out. That's what we do on our private sessions together. I'm like, what works for you, what works for your partner? We figured we come to an agreement and we move forward. You know, my my it's so funny because my bachelor's degree, I'm a paralegal as well. Multiple, multiple. Okay, so just a background on me so you know understand how I develop my tools. Um my bachelor's degree is in paralegal. I was gonna be a lawyer until I went to one of my tort law classes, and I was literally arguing on both sides. And my professor, my law professor, was like, you're more of a mediator than you are a lawyer because there's no way that you should be defending the other party. That's what I do with my clients. I'm not just defending the individual that has premenstrual dysphoric disorder because I have PMDD, because I've had PMDD for 20 years. I'm defending the partner because I know exactly how they're feeling as well. So that's the skill that's innately within me. A lot of times people are one-sided. They're like, oh, I'm all for the person that has PMDD and you just need to do whatever it is that they want you to do and forget how you feel and stuff it down. And if you want to be with them, this is what it's gonna take. No, no, no, no, no. I never have an agreement to any tool that I give my clients unless both individuals agree. Again, you don't both have to be on the session, but I will tell you, hey, this is the plan that we have. Go back and talk to your partner about it and let me know if they agree. If they agree, we'll move forward. If they don't, we're going back to the drawing board. We're figuring it out so that nobody has unmet needs. So that was my bachelor's degree. That's where my mindset goes when I'm developing these tools. It's very both sides, right? And then I have my um my master's in human resources. I'm used to working with individuals, I'm used to hearing them talk about their complaints, their great grievances, like policies, like things. And I look at a relationship as there's certain policies that are in a relationship. When you develop a relationship, you really, I think it's so important, and maybe I'll do a separate episode on this. Looking at your relationship like an organization. Every organization has a mission and a vision statement, and they have policies that they're governed by. And when I'm developing tools, it's the same way. I get to know you. What is the mission of your relationship? What do you really want out of your relationship? Where is it that you both want to go? What is the vision? Where do you see yourself in the future? Where do you want to go? Where do you want to be? What do you want to build? Right. And then there's the policies. The policies are the tools that you are using to get you to the place to where your vision and your mission are in alignment. Meaning these policies, these tools that we're using are going to help us get to the

Relationship Policies And Real Accountability

SPEAKER_00 38:55

vision that we have for our relationship. These policies, these tools that we have that we're learning from Dr. Rose are in alignment with our core values, which is your mission for your relationship. We develop all of this on the private sessions. And then when we're moving forward, there's a level of accountability that is there that is unmatched. It's nothing like you can't counsel yourself when you have pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder. I trust me, I've tried it. I am the counselor and I've not been able to do it in my own relationship. I've literally had to go to a third party because I have my own emotions, I have my own feelings, I have my own biases about what's going on in the relationship. You need to go get help. You need a third party because what's going to happen is you're going to agree to something, you're going to do this. And then when you get into the relationship, it's going to be so easy. It's going to be so easy for that's a client. Sorry. It's going to be so easy for you to not do the thing if it's, if it's just you yourself keeping yourself accountable. If it only has to do with you, then you're probably, it's easy for you to quit on it. If it's you and your partner and you're having an argument, it's easy for you to say, oh, I'm not going to do that. But when you're coming to these weekly sessions with me and I just hide two earlier today, then you're automatically saying, and I have about, I say about four sessions a day, four sessions. And I'm holding them accountable for what it is that they said that they were going to do in accordance with their vision, their mission, the tools that I'm giving you that are specifically designed for premenstrual disorder disorder for PMDD, for the partner that has it and for the partner that doesn't. I'm keeping you account because a lot of times, because I know when I'm in my emotions, when I'm in my luteal phase, I'm thinking about that. And I wanna, I want to hire someone who's gonna think about that for me. I do the same thing. I have a trainer for when I go to the gym. I don't want to think about the exercises that I'm gonna do. If I have to think about it, I'm probably not gonna do it, or I'm gonna forget it, or I'm gonna suck off, or I'm never gonna be consistent. I hire individuals that are gonna hold me accountable to do the things that I genuinely want done in my life. I have a personal development mentor, right? That's gonna hold me accountable to, I'm gonna continuously be learning. I'm gonna be building myself, pouring into myself. I'm not gonna get to the point where I deplete myself so much in my with my clients or my relationship, and I'm not gonna have enough to give to other areas of my life. I have so many levels of accountability. I have a business mentor that I go to and I say, hey, I want to do this, I want to do this, that makes sure that I'm in alignment with what it what it is that I said that I wanted. So if you're coming to me and you're saying that this is my person, you're saying that you want to be with your PMDD partner, I'm gonna hold you accountable. This is what you told me. I'm gonna hold you accountable to getting there. If you do, if you remove that level of accountability, there's no freedom in that because then you're just gonna be flailing all over the place. I've had so many clients that have worked with me, they've stopped working with me. And then when they stop, because they're like, oh, we're doing good, we're doing so great, we don't need you anymore, you know, we're fine. And I say, hey, I really suggest that you have at least one session a month. If we're meeting weekly and you want to pull back, at least have a session a month so we can make sure you're good. By the time they come back, it's months later and we're repairing all of the damage of things that they've stuffed down, pretended that didn't matter. I'm not gonna let you do that when you're working with me privately because I'm gonna hold you accountable in the most loving way possible, in the most understanding way possible, understanding the partner and understanding the individual that has PMDD. I'm able to do both because when I did my study, my dissertation on partners, I was able to tap into, I know what the partner's going through. I know what they're saying that they're not really saying. So when I say a lot of things on our private sessions, if you're my private client, you can attest to this. I'm saying things and you're like, yes, Dr. Rose, that's what I was thinking. That's how I feel. I just didn't want to say it to my partner. I didn't think that they could receive it. You know, I thought that they were gonna be mad at me. It needs to be exposed because guess what? That's how you really feel. And if you keep operating in a way that is masking how you really feel, you're gonna become resentful. You're gonna mask it. You're not gonna be the authentic version. And the next thing you know, your partner's gonna be in a relationship with someone that they don't really know. That's what ended up happening at the end of a lot of my relationships. I was like, I don't even recognize myself. It took me almost a full year, it took me a little bit over a year to come home to who I really was. And I will never, never, never lose this version of myself again. I've done it. I've been there, I've masked it, I've pretended it's not sustainable. If it was sustainable, I would probably still be doing it. But at some point I got burnt out. And PMDD will make you get burnt out and make you feel that the only reason that you're abandoning yourself is because of your PMDD partner when really it's you. You make the choice to not be yourself. You make the choice to pretend that things don't matter that really matter to you. And you have to take responsibility of that. Because I didn't, and it was a hard pill to swallow because it's easy to blame your partner. I can't be myself around them. We're just not compatible. Why aren't you being yourself? What are you what is it that you're so scared that your partner's gonna do if you really just decide, you know what, I'm just gonna be myself. I'm in my luteal phase. I'm not feeling it today. Because every month in your luteal phase is going to look different. What you did in one month may not work in another month. So that's another reason why you need to have those weekly sessions with me because I can have a complete plan for you that works this month and the month of July and August, because life happens. Situation, holiday seasons come up, holiday seasons go away, things happen with family members, things happen with like I just finished working with clients that are going into this fourth of July holiday, and they're all needing to be equipped with the tools of how do we make it through this? Because I want Have a good time. It's summertime in the US, and I want to have a good time and I want to enjoy myself and I don't want to have another vacation where I waste thousands, hundreds of dollars just to be arguing and fighting and not having a good time and let this be just another traumatic memory. Do you know how many vacations I've gone on and had so many traumatic events happen in PMDD because I wasn't using any of my tools before I developed them? Like I was just like, I was in the most beautiful places, paid a billion dollars. You know, that's always my phrase. When it's a lot

Entitlement Versus Choice And Freedom

SPEAKER_00 45:30

of money, you'll hear me say a billion dollars. I spent so much money and I had so many good intentions and then got there and it was like hell. You might as well put me in hell. I might as well have been on vacation with Lucifer himself. Because I, in my mind, in my mind, I was going through it. Going through it. Even though everything around me looked like it should all be fine. It should be totally fine. It wasn't. Because I wasn't staying grounded in who I really am. Who are you? How do you really feel in any given moment? What do you really need? Do you feel like you could really just tell your partner that? If you could pick up the phone right now and say, This is how I feel, this is what I need, without controlling the other person, without saying that, oh, you better do this for me, you gotta do this for me. They don't have to do. I did a post on that earlier about entitlement. Your partner doesn't owe you anything. FYI. And a lot of times when you get into PMDD, there's this level of ego and entitlement. So you're my partner, then you need to do this, this, and this. If you start your phrase with, if you're my partner, you need to do this, then that means that you're operating in the realm of entitlement. They don't have to do anything. You don't have to do anything. This is a choice. No one forces you into a PMDD relationship. And I think there's a misconception. When you're feeling trapped, when you're feeling like you can't be yourself, who is holding you in this relationship? And this is not giving you a way of breaking up. It's a way of saying, if you want to be free, no one's stopping you. If you are in a place where you feel like I'm so scared to be myself that I'm just gonna continue to pretend for the rest of my life or for the rest of the time that I'm with my person, then you know that you need to get help. Because you're not able to be open and honest. And those unmet needs that you have are just piling up. Those traumatic events, those traumatic comments, those things that they're saying, they're those things that they're doing, piling up on top of each other. They're not going anywhere, they're not going anywhere until you address them, until you deal with them, until you say, enough is enough. I'm not going to abandon myself. I'm not going to pretend that I am happy when I'm not happy. I'm not going to pretend that I'm content when I'm not content. I'm not going to pretend like I'm safe in this relationship when I'm walking on eggshells. I am tired of walking on eggshells. I want freedom. I want freedom to just be me. What happens is when you're free in your relationship, you end up giving your partner a lot of the things that they've been begging you for. And I said this earlier on a session. You can go months and months and years and years begging your partner to give you something and they say, I can't do it, I can't do it. But then all of a sudden they feel free, they feel emotionally safe, and then they just naturally give it to you. And wouldn't you rather naturally get it from your PMDD partner versus forcing them and having to remind them, hey, do this, hey, I need this, hey, I need that. Like that for me, I wouldn't even want it. If I have to beg you for it, if I have to plead, if I have to throw a fit, if I have to throw a tantrum, if I have to go off on PMDD rage in order for you to do what it is that I feel that I desire and deserve, then I don't want it. I want you to be free to be who you are and let how you treat me and how you interact within this relationship to be natural and organic because you genuinely love me, like me, care about me, want to be around me. If I say, Oh, I want to spend time with you, I don't want to spend time with you because I demanded that you spend time with me. I want you to spend time with me because you genuinely want to spend time with me. Because if you had a choice, ask yourself this question. If you gave your partner the choice to do the thing that you're asking them to do, because I'm pretty sure there's one thing that you're really wanting your partner to do. If you gave them a choice, what would they choose? If you say, hey, I really want you to do da-da-da-da-da, would they choose to do it? Or would they try to find their way out of it? Oh, I'm busy, oh, I can't, or would you end up being like those people that I see that are out and about and they're there, but they're not really there. They're not connected, they're not happy, they're not loving, they're not intimate, they're just going through the motions for the sake of it. You see them take the picture, cheese, and then go back surfing, and they're just like in their own little world of misery. There's nothing like suffering in silence because, and I know this because when you come on private sessions with me, I hear about the suffering that you've had in silence. So if you know that you want to have literal PM to D freedom, you want to be in a PM to D relationship where you're no longer walking on eggshells, where you're free to just be every version of yourself, be open and honest. This is who I am. This is what I'm working on. I'm not saying I have to be perfect, but I desire to be with you because I enjoy being with you. And you miss that part about being in the relationship where you're starting to even ask yourself, well, I don't even know why I'm in this relationship. It's not fun. I'm not enjoying myself, I'm not feeling loved, I'm not getting my needs met, but I'm here. That's not a way to live. Do not let PMDD rob you of having freedom to be yourself in your PMDD relationship. Go get those private sessions so we can start working together to where you can get to a place where you know that you're free to be yourself, and that's okay. You don't have to make excuses. You don't have to pretend you can be free while you're in your PMDD relationship. We got this.