"They Stayed This Long..." The Dangerous PMDD Lie

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That quiet thought of “they’ve never left, so they never will” can be one of the most destructive beliefs in a PMDD relationship. When monthly blowups, breakup threats, and makeups repeat, the nervous system starts to treat disrespect as normal. Then the luteal phase damage gets brushed aside once the follicular phase brings relief, and the cycle keeps training both partners to accept more than they should.

We dig into what “dangerous familiarity” looks like in real life: using breakup language with no intention to follow through, relying on sex or intense reconnection to smooth things over, and letting apologies replace actual change. We also talk about how partners experience the push-pull across the PMDD cycle, why emotional numbness is not peace, and how resentment quietly builds until a partner finally chooses themselves. Along the way, we break down habituation, intermittent reinforcement, and boundary erosion in plain language so you can recognize the pattern instead of repeating it.

We also slow down to tackle a hard but necessary question: what counts as abuse in your relationship? For some, it’s yelling and cruel words; for others, it’s shutdown, stonewalling, or withdrawal that triggers old wounds. The goal is clarity and emotional safety, not shame. If you want a practical anchor, we return to one mantra again and again: PMDD is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to manage.

If any of this feels uncomfortably familiar, share this with your partner, subscribe for more tools, and leave a review so more couples can find support when they need it most.

Transcript

The Most Dangerous PMDD Lie

SPEAKER_00 0:54

Today, I want to talk to you about one of the most dangerous lies that PMDD will tell you, and that is that your partner is never going to leave you. So, a lot of times when you're in PMDD relationships and you're really thinking that you've gone through so many fights, you've gone through so many arguments, you begin to get really familiar with your partner. You start to get used to the dysfunction, you start to get used to the abuse, you start to get used to the disrespect so much that you genuinely believe that your partner is just going to continue to take any behavior that comes their way because maybe you all mentioned breaking up every single month, but they've never actually broken up. And so what that does in your brain is it normalizes the abuse. It normalizes the disrespect. And so you don't feel like you should change anything about your PMDD relationship. You don't feel like you need to change anything about yourself. You don't feel like you need to manage your symptoms. Your partner doesn't feel like they need to be more supportive because you mentioned breaking up so much that it's

How Monthly Breakups Get Normalized

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become this familiar tactic that you all use every single month. You get, you know, pissed off. You say things that you don't mean. Then you say that you just break up. And then you calm down, the emotions go away, and then you say, No, I really love you. I really want this relationship to work. And then your partner just feels like, okay, well, they want things to get back on track. And so you end up just agreeing to the same cycle every single month. And what happens is you're training your brain to break up and then not break up. So you're getting familiar with taking the behaviors that you don't really like, knowing that they're gonna say that they want to break up, but you're not actually doing anything about it. You're complaining about the same things in your relationship, but you're not doing anything about it. This is why it's so dangerous. You're never noticing what should be acceptable in your PMDD relationship if you begin to normalize abuse. You don't even want to say the word because it's so normal. Because maybe when your partner's back in their follicular days, you guys are so loving, you guys are so back on the same page that you don't even want to bring up the things that have happened in the luteal phase. You don't want to bring up things that were said and done in PMDD. So you don't address the damage and the abuse that is happening. Instead, you're avoiding it. And now breaking up has become the norm. Being disrespectful has become the norm. Being in a place where you're not on the same page and you're never really agreeing to things and you're compromising to things that you don't really want has become the norm. But there's a danger in getting too familiar because you stop seeing your partner. You stop having that level of remorse to say, oh my gosh, I went too far. You don't pull back on your behavior. You don't pull back and try to manage your emotions because you just think, oh, they haven't gone anywhere. They're gonna say that they're gonna break up, they're gonna make a big deal. And maybe you even have, you know, I have so many clients that have different tactics that they use when they're in that realm of familiarity. Maybe you use sex, maybe you use intimacy. Every single time that they say they're gonna break up, we have really good sex in the follicular days, maybe even in ovulation, you have even more sex. You connect intimately, and then all of a sudden, your partner doesn't want to break up anymore. So then you program in your brain that every single time that they say that they want to break up, that they say that they want to leave the relationship, you reinforce the intimacy, you reinforce the sex in order to seal the deal that they're not going anywhere. So you begin to think that your body is so much of the prize that they're never going to leave you, as if there's not 8 billion people in the world that also have bodies that also can produce, you know, that oxytoce and that closed hormone. You've become

Sex And Intimacy As A Reset

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so familiar with thinking this is when the ego comes in, that you have something that they need and they desire so much that no matter how much you treat them horribly, they're not going anywhere. What that means is you do not have that level of self-awareness when you're going too far. And I've seen this so many times with my private clients on sessions where I've said, hey, you're going too far. You're pushing it, you're doing the same thing again and again and again. And they literally sit there, arms crossed, oh no, no, it's fine. You know, okay, Dr. Rose. Okay. Then one session, they come on by themselves. And guess what? Their partner has left and they're completely shocked. They're wanting me to go and talk to the partner to get the partner to get back with them and all these things. And I'm like, I've warned you that you were getting too familiar, that the abuse was continuing, that your partner keeps saying the same things. They want a solution. They want things to be different. They want it to be a situation where they were not repeating the same cycle again and again and again. And yes, they've said that they want to break up. That should be a wake-up call for you. But a lot of times in PMDD relationships, it's normalized. Saying you're going to break up is not a wake-up call. In other relationships that don't have PMDD, you say you want to break up, and what do they say? Let's go to counseling. Let's do something to fix it because they don't want to lose the relationship. Well, what happens a lot of times when you've been in a PMDD

The Shock When They Finally Leave

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relationship where breakups are cyclical is that your partner says they want to break up, and you instead of you feeling like that's a wake-up call, you just kind of like brush it off. Like, oh, okay, they're just saying that. Oh, okay, they're just pissed off. Maybe I'll just give them a little bit of time. Maybe you don't talk to them for a little bit, and then you just come back and you say, Oh, you need something from the store because you normalized it. You don't really think that they're going anywhere. And the danger of that is you're not trying to get any help for the things that they're telling you. I don't like this. I don't like this behavior. I don't like how I'm feeling. And instead of you saying, okay, I'm gonna take that communication that my partner is giving me and I'm gonna adjust accordingly, you're actually lowering your value every single time that you tell your partner you're gonna break up and you don't go anywhere. Am I saying that you should break up? No. What I'm saying is your partner sees you as less valuable when you keep making these threats of breaking up when you really have no intention of breaking up. This is why when you're you're my private client, one of the first things I say is, let's just take breaking up off the table. Not because it's not an option, but because it's not an option that you want to take. You genuinely do not want to break up with your partner. So stop using the words breakup, breakup, breakup, and thinking that it's gonna be a wake-up call for them when in reality they've heard it every single month. That's why I say the PMDD monthly breakups. You're not doing anything beneficial. You're almost lowering your value because you're saying, I'm putting up this boundary and I'm not gonna take this anymore. And then you take it. So what you're telling yourself is you don't stand for what you really say that you stand for. You don't deserve the amount of respect and validation and acceptance and love and all of these things. You don't really deserve that because when you tell your partner that this is what's required to be in a relationship with me, and then they don't do it, and you continue to be in the relationship. So, guess what? That means your word,

Taking Breakup Threats Off The Table

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the value of your word and what you're saying is lowered every single time you mention breaking up and then you stay there because you've gotten so familiar and you literally think they've stayed this long. They've gone through so many months of PMDD, they've gone through the fights, the arguments, the harsh things that were said, the hurtful words that were said, the bringing up the past. You've gone through so much that you think, if we've been through that, we can go through anything because they're they haven't gone anywhere. And that's a lie. So I want to just talk to you about that because it's the biggest mistake that you make. And a lot of times clients think the biggest mistake is the PMDD rage. It's not the PMDD rage, it's not the intrusive thoughts, it's the mentality that you're starting to have about the abuse that's happening in your relationship. And I know that that's one word that no one wants to hear is I'm not abusive. Well, here's the thing, and we always go through this. This is probably one of the first things that my new clients we go through is they want to figure out if they're abusive and they want to figure out if their partner's abusive. Because I think in their minds that if you feel like you're in an abusive relationship, it gives you permission to walk away. If you feel like you're in an abusive relationship, it makes you less likely to stay in the relationship because cognitively you're thinking to yourself, what kind of person would stay in an abusive relationship? So you want to be really clear. Is this just PMDD and we're just trying to navigate it? Or am I in an abusive relationship? And the answer to that always is what do you consider abuse? What are you feeling when they're saying the hurtful words? Because I know for me, because of my childhood trauma,

Defining Abuse And Personal Triggers

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because of things that I have gone through, hurtful words are abusive to me because of the way that it triggers my past childhood trauma. For some people, and I've seen it, literally seen it, they can say hurtful words all day long and it doesn't really affect them like that. But you walk away from them and it affects them like that. You shut down on them, you actually say less words, and that's considered abuse. That's the stonewalling, right? So it's a matter of individually deciding what is abusive to you, and you need to be really clear on those boundaries. Whenever I have my private clients, and if you're not, if you are in a PMDD relationship and you have not had just one session with me where you're really going over the difference between abuse and what is individual abuse to each one of you, then that's going to become an issue in your relationship because you could subconsciously be being abusive and not even know it. So this is why when a partner walks away and they're like, oh my gosh, I can't believe they left. They left because in their mind, you were being abusive. In your mind, you were just angry, you were just pissed off, you were just expressing your emotions. In their mind, you were being abusive because there's a lot to unpack under the behaviors that they're perceiving that you're doing, right? You're yelling at them, thinking that I'm just getting out of my my feelings. I'm in my feelings, I'm frustrated, I'm angry, so I'm yelling. That's all you're doing. You have no intentions of being abusive. What they're receiving is you're being abusive just like this person that said this in the past. This is this is triggering a wound that's inside of me. So therefore, I'm I'm receiving it as abuse. And you need to know that about your partner. When I say study your partner, these are some of the things that if you're in a PMDD relationship, you literally have to study who you're with to understand what is acceptable in this relationship and what is not. And what I mean by that, you have to understand what is it is acceptable in your PMDD relationship. Because when you get in your luteal phase, this is not the time to figure out what's acceptable and what's not, what's considered abuse and what's not, because you're already gonna feel like you want to break up. For if you're the partner that doesn't have PMDD, you're already gonna feel like I need to get out of here because I feel like I can't continue to accept this behavior. Nothing's changing, it's the same thing every single month. So that's the reasons why you're feeling like you want to break up. You're feeling hopeless because every single time you get in the luteal phase, your partner completely shifts. Maybe they're not affectionate with you, maybe they're shutting down the intimacy, maybe they're acting like they don't even like you, more or less love

The Partner’s Side Of Push Pull

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you. You're feeling hopeless in that luteal phase. Then you go into the follicular phase, all of a sudden that loving partner is back. So now you're getting tired of getting your hopes up when they're in a follicular phase or your ovulation phase or even in menstruation. Once they get the period, it feels like you see the light again. You see that version of them that you fell in love with. And then they go into the luteal phase and they're right back down there in the depths of PMDD and they're treating you completely differently. And that is abuse to be able to push and pull because you're playing it's emotional manipulation. Is the person who has PMDD doing it on purpose? No, they're genuinely feeling differently. But what do I always say? PMDD is not your fault, but it's your responsibility to manage. So as the partner, it is okay to ask your partner, hey, I don't want to continue to experience the different versions of you emotionally because it is impacting me. I'm not going through the ebbs and flows of the emotions. I love you all month long. But when I go to love you and I go to be a certain way towards you, and you shut down on me, or you go off on me, or you pick me apart, or you talk about all my flaws, that is affecting me emotionally. And I don't want to feel like I have to put my guard up and not even be able to accept the good parts of you in your good days because I'm afraid that something is gonna switch. One day I'm gonna wake up and I'm gonna be so comfortable with you and so in love. And then the next day we're gonna be back into the Ludio phase. You're gonna be back into PMDD, treating me like crap. That is abusive because they're gonna feel like they're walking on eggshells. That at any moment, you can take away that security, you can take away that love, you can take away that validation. That makes you feel like you're in an insecure relationship because you can never truly let your guard down. You can never truly be comfortable because as soon as PMDD comes, your treatment towards me shifts. It is okay for you as a partner to say, that is not sustainable for me. That is considered abusive to me because now it's impacting my work, it's impacting my lifestyle. I can't focus on other things because I'm always trying to make sure that you're good so that I don't accept that level of abuse because I know how much that it hurts me because I know how much that I love you. A lot of times the things hurt worse because of the magnitude of how you feel about your partner. So it's not a bad thing that it hurts you deeply. That's just showing how deeply you're connected to your person. So when you get so familiar with, oh, you know, uh, I see it so many times on the forums. They're always like, oh, my husband or my partner, they take so much, uh, they take so much from me because I go off every month. And oh, they're such a good, they're such a good PMDD partner. You're considering them a good PMDD partner because they've become familiar and accepting of your abuse. Is that the kind of quality that you want to normalize within your relationship? Meaning maybe you don't talk to your partner, maybe you shut down on them for seven to 10 to 14 days out of the month. And you're like, oh, they're such a supportive PMD partner because they don't bother me. They don't make me talk to them for two weeks out of the month. Are you hearing what that sounds like? How sustainable is it that that person is gonna want to stay in a relationship with someone that they can't talk to for two weeks out of the month? And how is that a solution? A lot of you are delusional enough to think that shutting down, being quiet, not being affectionate, not showing intimacy, not showing connection is a solution. And I'm saying that with love because I've been there. I used to go two weeks and and I used to literally only text my partner and be like, oh, we we've come up with the plan, we've come up with the ultimate PMDD tool. We just don't talk to each other for two weeks, or we're just so distant for two weeks, and that's the solution. I was delusional. So that's why I can call it out on you and say, hey, that's delusional.

Why Two Weeks Of Distance Fails

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That relationship didn't last. They walked away because guess what? You woke up one day, which your partner can too, and say, you know what? I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to be with half a person. I want to be with a whole person. I want to be with a person that can communicate with me, that can connect with me, that can be intimate with me all of the days of the month. And I don't have to feel like there's something wrong with me for wanting to be connected with a person all of the days out of the month. You know what happens? They start talking to friends and family who are like, your mood, now your mood is shifting as a partner. And they're like, what's going on? Oh, well, you know, she's in her Ludeal phase or she's in PMDD, so we're not really talking. And someone literally tells them, that's not normal. That's not okay. That's considered abuse. You should probably walk away. And yes, they're gonna go through that initial phase of, no, because I love them, because I care about them. They're gonna start saying all the reasons why they love you and they want to stay. And then one day they're gonna be in the depths of that neglect, in the depths of that abuse, and they're gonna say, you know what? That person was right. I am gonna walk away. And then you come to me and you say, Oh my gosh, Dr. Rose, I can't believe that they walked away while I was suffering, while I was this. And I say, and I will ask you the same question. What did you do to meet their needs, even when you're in your luteal phase, even when you're in PMDD? What did you consider? What did you zoom out from how you were feeling in the depths of your suffering and consider what did your partner need? Or did you just get so familiar with them that you expect them to stay depleted for two weeks out of the month and think that they were going to stay? They're not. And if they stay the longer that they stay, they're gonna become the three things bitter, resentful, and unforgiving. They're gonna, they're gonna start to feel bad about themselves for staying in a relationship that they feel like is less than what they deserve. They're gonna start thinking to themselves, I deserve better than this. And when their confidence starts going so low and they start feeling bad about themselves and they start shifting how they operate in life because they're in a relationship with you, they're gonna literally be like, wait a minute, I don't even recognize myself like this. I was so confident when I walked into this relationship, but being in this relationship with this person has literally made me feel like a piece of crap because I've been getting treated like a piece of crap and I'm staying, and I don't like this version of myself. I don't like that about me. So, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna walk away from this relationship. I'm gonna go find myself. And once they do, they're not coming back. They're not coming back. And I can't blame them. I cannot blame them because they're literally finding themselves again, they're finding their worth. And what a lot of times clients are expecting me to do is to ask a person to come back into a situation where they've lost their value, they've lost their sense of confidence, they've lost their sense of self-worth.

Resentment Builds Then They’re Gone

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And you're asking me to put them back in that situation again. Put them back in that cage, put them back in the cage of accepting behaviors and treatments that are less than what they deserve because they genuinely love and care about you. You're asking me to tell them it's okay to accept this abuse because she, you know, she has PMDD. And you're coming to me because you're saying, oh, Dr. Rose has PMDD, which I do. But I also know that I've been in situations that I've treated partners so familiar that I said, well, they should understand because I have PMDD. I was wrong and the relationship didn't last, and they walked away. So I don't manage my relationships like that anymore. I literally teach myself the mantra that I teach you all the time. PMD is not my fault, and let's just sit with that. Let's sit with that. I'm not saying that the fact that you're suffering is your fault. I'm also saying that it's not your partner's fault. So you projecting your symptoms onto your partner doesn't justify it because you're suffering. It's not okay just because you're suffering. I'm suffering and they're in a relationship with me, so they should be okay with suffering because because I wouldn't treat them like this unless I was suffering. So they shouldn't take it personally. Stop saying that your partner shouldn't take it personally when you're personally attacking them, when you're personally talking down to them, when you're personally verbally abusing them, when you're personally making them feel like a piece of crap, how else are they supposed to take it? How else are they supposed to take it? If someone from your job came up to you and started treating you horribly, but then said, oh, but don't take it personally, I just had a bad day. There's no way you can't take it personally. They're personally attacking you, and you would treat it as such. So stop thinking that because someone loves you and likes you, that they're not gonna take your abuse or your mistreatment or your neglect

PMDD Responsibility Without Excuses

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or your abandonment personally. It's personal. PMDD makes it personal because that person has the literal ability to talk to you and reach places in you that no one else can. When you have an intimate partner, they can hurt you worse than anyone else. And this is why when you open yourself up to someone who is so familiar with you that they're willing to just randomly abuse you and not even feel bad about it because they are internally suffering. That's dangerous because you're allowing them in your heart, you're allowing them in your mind, you're allowing them to impact every single aspect of your life because you let them in. And if you're letting someone into your heart, if you're letting them into your body, if you're letting them into your life, if you're letting them into your mind, you better make sure that they're safe. Because if not, they're gonna run your life ragged. You're gonna be picking up the pieces of your life and they're gonna be gone. They're gonna be gone because they're so egotistical, because they're in the midst of their own suffering. And this is for the partner that doesn't have PMDD as well. I always say this because I have private sessions where the issue is not just the partner that has PMDD, the other, the other partner is not being supportive enough. Why? Because they're stressed out. Because life is happening. And when they come on their sessions and say, hey, I had a bad day at work or I have this going on or the kids are driving me crazy or I don't like the intimacy. I still say that it's not giving you permission to get so familiar. I don't care if you're married, I don't care if you're in this committed relationship, I don't care what you call yourself. It doesn't give you that level of audacity to be so familiar that your partner's just supposed to take your abuse. If you're feeling off, you have to figure out how to make yourself feel on again. That's not your partner's responsibility. It's not. And a lot of times you're feeling like, oh, but we're in a relationship, so they should. If you're starting your thing with anything in your relationship, oh, they should, they they're not going to. They're eventually not going to, and they shouldn't. Because the more that you accept abuse, the more it's normalized, and the more you're opening up the door to just say, this is just how it is, right? Every single month, the same pattern, everything blows up. Then there's the guilt. Oh my gosh, I feel so guilty that I talk to them like that. Then there's the forgiveness. Okay, you you accepted accountability, then I forgive you. Then it's the closeness again because you're back in your follicular days and you you you know, you kind of feel good about each other. Then another explosion happens because you're back into PMDD. Eventually, no one's actually getting to a place where they have a secure relationship. It's just this ebbs and flows of abuse, no abuse, abuse, no abuse, neglect, no neglect, abandonment, no abandonment. That's just Surviving. And a lot of times you don't survive that level of a PMDD relationship very long. So I'm going to talk to you about the levels of familiarity that you may have in your PMDD relationship. The first one is habituation, right? And I know that word sounds horrible, but uh, because I I used to grow up, my my dad used to say this phrase of, if you lie on repeat, don't be a habitual liar. And I remember I used to think that it was like a curse word or something. But anyway, habituation is something that happens in your mind when you're in a PMDD relationship and you've gone to adapt to repeated experiences in your luteal phase. Your brain is starting to program. When we get into the luteal phase, when we get into PMDD, abuse is going to happen. So then you become less reactive to it because your brain is computing, oh, this is normal. This is what happens for two weeks out of the month, right? What once used to shock you, it used to be like, oh my God, in the beginning of a relationship, you're blowing

Habituation Makes Chaos Feel Normal

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up and then you're shocked by it. It becomes expected. You go into the luteal phase expecting abuse, expecting neglect, expecting you to have an argument. This is why you have a lot of anxiety going into the luteo phase while you're the partner and while you're the individual that that has PMDD. This is why you're saying, Dr. Rose, oh my gosh, I'm going into some PMDD and I'm already feeling anxious. You're feeling anxious because your brain is in that state of habituation where it's expecting neglect, it's expecting abuse, it's expecting you to fight, it's expecting you to go through another breakup. So the first time that someone screams, for example, it's terrifying. The 20th time, it's Tuesday. They're screaming. Oh, they're complaining again. Oh, they're saying they want to break up. Okay. Of course, of course they're saying that they want to break up. I'm in my lude phase. I'm in PMDD. Of course, of course. That doesn't mean it's healthy. It means your brain is now programming it as a habituation. This is normal for us. It means your nervous system has literally adapted because you're no longer shocked by it. Your partner cusses you out, calls you a piece of crap, all the things. You're like, okay, that's on brand. Yep, they did it. And so you're talking to other people and they're like, oh my God, they're they're horrified because they don't have that level of disrespect or abuse in their relationship. And you're like, oh no, it's just Steve is just going through a hard day, or you know, Susan is just, you know, she's in PMDD. Have you ever I've seen this before? Been at a dinner party, everybody's having a good time. You see a couple, they they're talking one person goes off on them. Everybody in the room could be mortified. Oh my gosh, I can't believe, you know, he's letting her talk to him like that. Like, what's going on with them? And then you talk to them and it's like, she's just in PMDD. It's fine. You're going to check on the person to be like, are you okay? And then they're like, oh yeah, she's just in PMDD. This is this is just what she does. Your nervous system is no longer even shocked by it. Okay, so this is the next thing that happens. It's intermittent reinforcement. This is actually one of the strongest forms of conditioning because it is when you get into your follicular days, there's this level of reinforcement of love, of connection, of all of these good feelings. You have these good vacations, you have these good moments, these good date nights. So your nervous system is starting to get conditioned to I experience love, and then I experience rejection, and then I experience affection, and then I experience criticism, and then I experience closeness, and then I experience rage. The unpredictability makes the relationship addicted. You literally become addicted to your PMDD partner because you're waiting for that reinforcement of the follicular phase. This is a lot of times what's so common in PMDD relationships. You're not addicted to your partner in their PMDD symptoms in that phase, but you're addicted to what you're gonna get on the other side of that. You know how good it feels when you get back into the follicular phase. So you're allowing yourself to sit in that abuse because you're waiting for that intermittent reinforcement. You're

Intermittent Reinforcement And Relationship Addiction

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waiting for the love again. You're waiting for the closeness again. You're waiting, it's almost more intense after you've gone through all that level of rage and rejection and neglect that when you get the closeness, it feels like super close. When you get the when you have the sex, you feel like it's super powerful, it's super intense because you've gone through so much in intermittent place where you had no affection, you had no attention, you had no validation, they've starved you out. If you starve someone out and you give them a piece of bread, they'll treat that bread like it's filet mignon because they've not had anything. When you deplete someone, then you give them a breadcrumb and they'll treat it like caviar. This is how you know your condition to intermittent reinforcement in your PMDD relationship because they've not given you so much affection, no, so much love, they've starved you of it that they touch your hand and it sends chills up your spine. And you're like, okay, babe, yeah, you're right. We don't need to break up. You're so turned on, your body is so affected by it because you've gotten literally nothing. And this is a form of torture that they do with people in prison camps. They starve them, don't give them anything. Then they give them bread and water, and guess what? The prisoners are willing to do anything for them because they've gotten bread and water because they've literally been starved out. They literally become submissive to the person who gave them the bread and water because they they're giving them something in a place where they're depleted. You're willing to do things that you wouldn't normally do because you've been starved out of emotion. You've been starved of attention, you've been starved of validation, you've been starved of affection, that once you get it back, you're like, oh my gosh, this is the best thing since sliced bread. And then you start hoping next month's gonna be different. And it's not. If you don't do anything to fix this intermittent reinforcement, this toxic cycle, because that's what it is. I know I've been in it, right? If you don't do anything to fix that, your body and your nervous system and your brain and everything of everything about you is gonna say, oh, we accept abuse. We next we accept neglect. We accept this. This is just, I'm in a PMD relationship. This is just how it is. I love this person. I just have to accept them for what they are. And then the next thing that happens is there's this boundary erosion. Boundaries don't disappear overnight. You go into a relationship and you have these boundaries, right? You start up a relationship and you say, if you're gonna be with me, you need to do this, this, and this. And however you say it, you can even say it lovingly. Like I'm a person where you're not going to talk to me crazy. You're not gonna yell at me, you're not gonna curse me out. I come into a relationship saying that because I know how disrespected I feel when that happens. I'm using myself as an example. So I go into a relationship and I say, hey, I'm not gonna accept this. The first time you go off on me, we have this big blow up, and I say, I told you I didn't like this, I told you I didn't like it. Then I say, you know what? I'll let that comment go. Oh, I I know they had a stressful day at work. Oh, they're they're going through things in their life. They'll calm down. They came back and they apologize. Eventually, the boundary gets keeps getting moved further and

Boundary Erosion And Numb Apologies

SPEAKER_00 30:18

further back. And guess what? The next time that they go off on me, it's no big deal. Because guess what? That boundary that I once had that I was so clear on that was tied to my self-worth and my value and my confidence, it's now gone because I've taken it so many times that it's just like I'm just accepting it. If I'm gonna be with this person, I mean, I guess it's not that bad. You almost start downplaying the abuse, you start downplaying the disrespect because you've accepted it for so long. And so that's where we go into the emotional desensitization. You become desensitized to the abuse, to the neglect. The first apology feels heartbreaking, right? Then you start apologizing automatically. Go off, apologize. This is what happens a lot of times with PMDD rage. You go off, you say the hurtful things, you say the things that are below the belt, then you apologize. So your partner's just waiting for the apology. I didn't mean it. I'm so sorry. It was PMDD. You know, I'm not gonna do it again. I'm really working on myself, even when you're not really working on yourself. But I don't know what that really means. Like I always say it's a tangible, what does that look like? If your partner says that they're working on themselves, or they're working on their PMDD and they're not getting sessions with me, they're not listening to the podcast and taking down tools. If you're saying that you are getting help for your PMDD, I always say, what does that look like? What does the help look like? And if they can't answer that question, they're not getting help. They're just saying something to calm you down so that you can accept it again and again and again and again. You feel like you're going crazy because you're in this cycle, because it's like an apology used to mean an apology. As long as they accept accountability, then you're good with it. You're willing to move forward. But over time, that apology loses its value because you know that they're just gonna do it again. So when your partner starts to apologize, oh, I just went off on P and D Rage, but I'm so sorry, you know, baby, I didn't mean it, and all these things, you're starting to like, okay. Like, yes, you did. Like it becomes less valuable, less impactful because you've accepted it for so long. The apology literally loses its power. So here are some of the warning signs that you're in that realm of familiarity, that dangerous familiarity in your PMD relationship. You just assume that your partner's gonna forgive you. You do something, you say something below the belt, and then you're just like, I know they're good over it. Whether you say that to them, whether you say it out loud or you feel it deep down, I know they're good over it. That's a sign that you're in that realm of dangerous familiarity. You're thinking that they're gonna accept anything that you throw their way because they just love you so much that they just care about you so much, that they're so invested. When I tell you the amount of clients that I have had sessions with where at one point they're like, they moved out. They took the kids, they took the dog, they did all of the things that you've programmed in your mind as a reason as to why they're willing to stay with you. People

Warning Signs You’re Too Familiar

SPEAKER_00 33:28

have walked away with nothing to when they finally woken up to I'm in a toxic and abusive relationship. They don't care about the stuff anymore. So maybe you you're the breadrunner, or maybe you're the one that's the sex is amazing, or maybe you're the one that has, you know, custody of the kids, whatever the thing is, you think that that thing is so important to them, so valuable, that they're willing to accept the abuse until one day they're not. They're like, you know what? I'll go live in a shack versus staying in a big giant mansion dealing with this level of abuse because I feel like I am losing my mind. I'm tired of the cycles, I'm tired of the fighting, I'm tired of walking on eggshells, I'm tired of not having any peace. And guess what? At some point, you don't become worth it. You're not worth the abuse. You're just not because they're losing their mind. You cannot make someone more worthy than you. Like I'm gonna be, I'm gonna put you on this pedestal and make you so important that I'm literally digging myself out of a deep dark hole every single month. At some point, the person says, you know what, I'm not doing this anymore. And then you act so shocked. I can't believe they walked away. Why wouldn't they walk away? Because you're so familiar, you just thought that they never would because they never did. Just because your partner has never walked away doesn't mean that they never will. I want you to really get that in your mind. I want you to really, the things that they're telling you that they want, the things that they're telling you that you need, that they need, then when they say they want peace, they want peace. When they say they want to stop walking on eggshells, they want to stop walking on eggshells. They're not just saying that. Just because they stay doesn't mean that they're not and they don't have the capacity to go. Everybody has their limits. So a healthy replacement for that, if you, because I'm gonna give you the tool of this is what you can do. If you, if you're like Dr. Rose, this is me. I really, I really don't think they're going anywhere. I just think I'm so great, right? That's the ego. You're so great. There's 8 billion people in this world. And somebody would love and adore the things that your partner is doing. And if you really take the time to think about it, you know that I'm right. You know that there's people out there, you know there's people out there that are dating, and there's pee in the dating pool right now. Dating is horrible, right? I have clients that are dating. And so if they got somebody like your partner who does the things that they do for you, they would treat them like a king, like a queen, like they deserve to be treated. But but you don't, you're so familiar, you think you're so great. You're so in the ego that you really believe that they're not gonna walk away because you have some kind of hold on them. If you know this is you, again, I'm saying this out of love, been there, right? The healthy replacement for, yeah, Dr. Rose, I'm in that

Treating Forgiveness Like A Gift

SPEAKER_00 36:08

place where I just assume that they're not gonna leave and I don't want to be like that. I don't feel like my partner deserves that. Then I want you to start to think to yourself every single time that you feel like you're in that realm of familiarity, their forgiveness, when I ask for forgiveness, it's a gift. It's not something I'm entitled to. I'm not entitled to forgiveness for going off on PDD rage every single month. They don't have to forgive me. I'm grateful that they forgave that horrible thing I said, that horrible thing that I did. And they don't have to again. So there's something that I need to do to manage my symptoms, to manage my mood, to manage whatever is causing me to treat them less than how they deserve. I don't even care if it's not even to the point of abuse. If you know that you're treating your partner less than what they deserve, less than how you truly feel about them, and you've done it with a pattern, then I want you to get to the point where you're like, I need to do something. Enough is enough. And this is why I say you need to have the private sessions with me, because we need to get to the root of what is that thing, what is that barrier that is stopping you from treating your partner the way that they deserve to be treated and feeling like you're you're so comfortable in it, right? The next sign that you're in the realm of familiarity is you stop repairing the relationship because you're you're genuinely tired. You've gone numb at this point. Like your partner's like, oh, babe, I'm so sorry. Let's just talk about this. And you're like, you know what, we're good. You don't even want to talk about it anymore. A lot of times this has happened with private clients. You're like, oh, we want to come on sessions. You've almost passed that point. Your partner's like, I don't want to come on the session. Why? What are we gonna talk about? We're gonna talk about the same thing we've been talking about since 1995. Like, I don't want to keep talking about the same thing. I'm tired. We've already talked about this. We've said the same things,

When Repair Stops Feeling Worth It

SPEAKER_00 37:58

you've said the same apologies, you've said the same excuses, you sent me articles on PMDD. I get it. You have PMDD, you're suffering. I get it. What do we need to talk about? Your partner's gonna become so numb that even going through repair doesn't seem worth it to them. They're like, what's the point? So the tool for that is even if I've done all the things and done it, said I'm gonna work on things, repair is still possible. And a lot of my clients, when they come on to private sessions, that's the one thing that they say at the end of our first session, Dr. Rose, I have hope again. Because I've always said, if you did, I've always I'm a proponent, go do things that you know that works well for you in your PM DD relationship. I don't say work with me and stop working, stop doing all the things. But if you've done all the other things and they're not working or you need something extra, it's worth it. Because you can't say you've done everything if you haven't had the private session. You come in the private session, it's like, hey, let's change this, let's shift this, let's put this tool in there. And then they're like, this is something different. They're surprised because they think that they're gonna get the same thing that they've been doing on their own. No, no, no, no. I've had P and D D for over 20 years now. I've been in many, many, many, many PMDD relationships. I was talking to my partner about this yesterday. He's like, you have a lot of experience. Yes, yes, a lot of trial and error. So I know what works in P and DD relationships and I know what does not work. And I'm not gonna waste your time giving you a tool that genuinely doesn't work. And the next sign that you're in that realm of familiarity, which is dangerous, is you use PMDD as the entire explanation as to why you're abusing your partner, mistreating your partner, talking crazy to your partner, going off on your partner, disrespecting your partner, abandoning your partner, neglecting your partner. When you go to apologize, yes, I'm sorry, but I was in PMDD. It's just my PMDD. It's not me, it's my PMDD. You need to stop taking it so personal, it's just my PMDD. You have premenstrual dysphoric disorder. It's still you. It is still you. So a healthy replacement for that, because that isn't that gets

Withdrawal Looks Like Peace But Isn’t

SPEAKER_00 40:08

old really quickly. Because your partner's gonna be like, yeah, I get it as your PMDD, but I don't like it. And if that's if that's the only thing that you have to say to me in order to be an excuse for the way you're treating me, then I'm out. Some some partners say it and some just quietly leave. And I've seen that too, where they don't say, they don't say a thing. And the reason why they're not saying a thing is because they've said it so many times before that they feel like if I have the conversation, they're probably gonna talk me back into being with them again. I already know what that's gonna look like. So I've had someone literally pack up their stuff and leave before the person even got home. A healthy tool for that is PMDD is not my fault, but it's my responsibility to manage. PMDD does not excuse my behavior and my reactions and how I'm treating you. It doesn't excuse hurting the person that I love. I want you to really get that deep, deep, deep, deep down in you because the ego will try to make it seem like PMDD is like a get out of jail free card. PMDD is not an excuse to abuse or to hurt the person that I love. It's not. And the next sign that you're in that realm of familiarity is your partner literally becomes emotionally smaller. They stop bringing up concerns, they stop saying what's bothering them, they stop disagreeing with you. They're kind of like numb. Like you're saying all these things and they're disagreeing, they become quiet. That's a sign they're walking on the edge shows. Another, because they're just like, what's the point of saying anything? They become emotionally numb. That isn't peace. You may think, oh, my partners, we're like, we're having a peaceful relationship because they're not saying anything. They're emotionally numb. They're detached. They're just operating in the relationship. And a lot of times what you don't recognize is when they're at that level of detachment, it's easier for them to walk away because they don't have those emotions anymore. Because they literally flip the switch and turn them off. That's withdrawal. And it's easier for someone to walk away within the with because they're in the realm of withdrawal because they're not emotionally

The Safety Check Question

SPEAKER_00 42:08

connected. So you need instead of you thinking that that's peace and like, oh, things are working because we're barely talking, they're probably planning the breakup in their mind. They're probably setting themselves up, saving money to the side, applying for another place to live. And I'm saying this because I've seen it done. I've seen it done with clients and I've experienced it myself. I'm like, what happened? Like, I thought you didn't say anything and then they're gone. The next time that you're in that realm of familiarity, you stop noticing their pain. When was the last time that you asked yourself, I wonder how my behavior is affecting my partner? When is the last time you've done that? Where you've literally thought to yourself, I'm suffering in PMDD, or if you're not the partner that has PMDD, you're stressed at work, or you stressed with whatever. You could I have clients that have PTSD, they have other things going on. This is not the only thing. PMDD is not the only disorder. They have anxiety, they have depression, they have seasonal depression, they have all of these things. When is the last time you really asked yourself, I wonder how my symptoms or my sufferings affecting my partner? That's a sign that you're in that level of familiarity. You're not even thinking about them. You're thinking about yourself. You're so wrapped up in the realm of your own suffering that you're not even thinking about how that's being projected and experienced by your partner. That these are signs that you're in that realm of familiarity. And I'm telling you this as a wake-up call. So if your partner treated you exactly the way you treated them during the last Luteo phase, would you feel emotionally safe? When you were in PMDD last month, just think about last month. How did your partner treat you? How did you treat your partner? Did you feel safe or did you feel like you're walking on eggshells? This is for the partner that has PMDD and the partner that doesn't. Did you feel safe or did you feel like you were walking on eggshells? Don't defend yourself. Don't say, oh, that was a really hard PD month. I get it. I get it. Ask yourself, how did you treat your partner? Just answer honestly. So what I want you to do, because I I want you to get to the point where you're you're thinking about this and you're you're listening to this. And if I don't want you to get into the realm of shame and guilt, right? I don't want you to click off of this and be like, oh, I'm a horrible partner. Oh, my partner deserves someone better, because we already have those thoughts in PMDD. That's not the point of this. If you're listening to this and you're saying, Dr. Rose, this is literally my relationship. This is literally the pattern that we go through every single month. I want you to know that it's normal for PMDD relationships when you don't really recognize that you're going through the ebbs and flows. And it takes something like this. It takes this level of intervention to say, enough is enough. I do not want to go through this cycle again. And it's time for us to do something different. And this is where my private sessions come in because we're stopping the cycle. We're shifting the pattern. We're getting out of the realms of familiarity and we're saying, we don't want to operate like this anymore. I don't want to treat my partner like this anymore. I don't want to be treated like this by my partner anymore. If that's something that you know that you're ready for, you know that you're in this cycle, you know that it's time, you know that this is the thing that needs to shift

Getting Help Before Thin Ice Breaks

SPEAKER_00 45:33

your relationship. Go to inlove with pmd.com, get those counseling sessions, click the link down below in the show notes, and really think about this. Really take the time and send this to your partner. I know so many times I get this all the time on TikTok. They're like, ooh, I wish I could send this clip to my partner, but they probably like you almost have this fear, like they're probably gonna go off on me if I send it. I said, This is what I'm here for. Let me speak because I know you're feeling like this. Like you have to remember, my dissertation was on partners who are in relationships with individuals who have PMDD. So I know how the partners are really feeling. I know how they're feeling, but they're too scared to say it to their partner because they don't want the partner to go off on them. They don't want the relationship to be severed. They don't want to feel like, oh, we're gonna break up if I bring this up. Send this to them. Send the episode to them. Have the private sessions. Let me be the one to bring this to light because that way you're not gonna get the brunt of it. You're not gonna get punished for it, right? So if you're recognizing that you have this pattern, one of the biggest misconceptions that people have is that they they wait until the partner says that they want to break up before they actually get the help. I want you to be one of those individuals that are saying, you know what, I know that we're on, we're on the brink of a breakup. I know that we're on thin ice. And you know, if you if any of this has resonated with you, you know that you're on thin ice, right? Because you know that it's very, it's it's hitting you in a place where it's like, yep, Dr. Rose, this is us. And you need to go get those private sessions and stop that pattern because unless you do something different, you're gonna be in the same cycle again and again and again. It's not going anywhere. And you know why? The cycle that's going on in your relationship is not gonna change because PMDD is always coming back. That's one thing that we cannot control. We can't make PMDD stop showing up every month. But what we can do is we can manage it. I can give you the tools to manage it so that the next month that it comes up, you actually have a PMDD plan of action. Again, if that's something you know that you need help with, go to nlevelpmd.com, get those counseling sessions. Until next time, we got this. I love you.