Beyond "Ladies Who Lunch" (with Lily Pond)

As an introvert and first-generation immigrant who moved to her city right before Covid, Lily didn’t know many of her neighbors. But this year, she was inspired to help deliver meals for a local food bank. Once she started hearing the stories of the families she was helping, she says her heart was touched and she was motivated to do more.

She organized a group of volunteers to help even more families in need, meeting so many “like-minded and like-hearted people” in the process. “It’s really a dream team,” she said, “and we work together so well because everyone is so focused on the goal, which is to serve these families.”

That would be an inspiring enough story on its own, but there was an even bigger twist waiting for her.

Lily was unfortunately laid off from her job a few weeks ago. That same day, while stocking a community fridge, she talked to the founder of the food bank who assured her that they had her back. “Don’t worry,” the founder told her. “You know we have good food, and you’re covered.”

This is truly the spirit of mutual aid: one day we’re helping our community and the next day they’re helping us. It’s not a bunch of wealthy “ladies who lunch” sipping champagne and deciding who to bestow their charity on today. It’s about all of us lifting each other up… together.

If you have a little extra time, money, or food this holiday season, we encourage you to share it with your community just like Lily.

For a transcript of this episode, please email comms@redwine.blue.

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Transcript

How To Not Lose Your Sh!t Episode 9 - Beyond “Ladies Who Lunch” (with Lily Pond)

Katie Paris: Hey everyone. Thanks for joining us on How to Not Lose Your Shit. I'm Katie Paris, the founder of Red Wine and Blue. 

LaFonda Cousin: And I'm LaFonda Cousin, a part-time yoga instructor, self-care advocate, and the chief people officer at Red Wine and Blue. 

Katie: Lafonda. I don't know about you, but like, ugh, this is that time of year…

LaFonda: Mm-hmm. 

Katie: The weather's getting colder. There's stress in the air. It goes alongside that, you know, this sort of like shift in seasons. We gotta reorganize our lives somehow. So many things happening in my family's life, in friends' lives, it's like the whole “how you doing” thing just gets real intense. 

LaFonda: Do you answer that honestly? Or do you just say “I'm fine.”

Katie: “Fine. Busy.” Yeah. Come on girl, let’s get to the truth. 

LaFonda: Yeah. 

Katie: I gotta say, getting to the truth though, like while all of this is kind of making me lose my shit, the whole overall environmental stress… at the same time, it's that getting real with people that is helping me a little bit. We went out for dinner last night, our family with another family, and I, I think I did just say those magic words of “how are you” to the mom that I was sitting next to. And she burst into tears. 

LaFonda: No! 

Katie: And it wasn't just one thing, you know, it's like her mom's hip surgery and the stress that's creating is they try to care for her. It's, you know, another family and a loss that they're experiencing, and struggles with one of their kids at school. And she was sitting there going, “I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.” as she’s crying.

And I, I go, “Thank you. Thank you for being real. Like I feel close to you in our friendship and when you show these feelings, it just affirms for me that we have each other.” 

LaFonda: And don't apologize. I feel like I say that to people, like, please don't apologize for real feelings. Cause sometimes we need to let people know that there's other things happening in other people's worlds, so we don't feel like we're going through real things alone. That feels isolating when you feel like you're going through real life stuff by yourself and everyone's like, 

Katie: “No, I'm great.” Yeah, totally. 

There we were with like our children like zipping around us, like you know, chicken fingers falling off the table, you know, but it made me feel connected. The love of friendship is so powerful. 

You know, another in the last week as well, I ended up going to Pittsburgh to meet my mom at Allegheny General Hospital because my godmother, her best friend from college who's been, they've been best friends her whole lives, and as my godmother, she's been a real role model and like spiritual advisor, like just an amazing woman that I look up to. And her health is really failing. 

And what was so amazing, LaFonda, is like… talk about friendship, right, that I was sharing with my friend. I show up at Allegheny General and I meet my mom and we go into this room and we sit down and the look in my godmother's eyes when she saw my mom…  I mean within minutes, they were laughing together. I mean, part of what my godmother is experiencing is, is dementia. She's not, we didn't even know if she was gonna recognize us, 'cause she's not recognizing even members of her own family. 

That friendship between her and my mom, it was like just that feeling of being known. You could see it. And it made me feel like, honestly, I was like, I hope at the end of my life I can tap into the kind of joy that best friends do for each other. So in the midst of all this chaos, like, finding that connection, it's the only way. 

LaFonda: Yeah. That's beautiful. 

Katie: Women are badass for each other. How about you? 

LaFonda: You know, I don't have anything that's helping me not lose my shit in the way that's like really deep, but I do have a, women are. Here to save the world kind of moment in just like the pettiest, smallest way.

Katie: Bring it.

LaFonda: I've had a… we share a fence sort of neighbor situation. And my neighbor's really cute small dog has…  she's small and she's cute and she's smart, and she's like found a way to get herself from my neighbor's yard to my yard, which I don't really mind, but they do. Her husband, boyfriend, I'm not sure, has been trying to figure out a way for the dog not to get through the gate. His solutions to this problem. Katie have been like, I'm not gonna lie, some of– 

Katie: I can only imagine.

LaFonda: – the dumbest solutions. The dog is smarter than you. The dog is still getting through. It's just, it's a lot. And so yesterday I called her and I was like, “Hey, listen, I don't know what's going on over there. Honestly, if it wasn't causing some damage to my fence, it really would be none of my business. But what I am here to say is like today, it's gotta get fixed.” And literally within an hour, it was fixed. 

Katie: Damn. All right. Sounds like you and uh, that neighbor need to like go get some margaritas together. 

LaFonda: Yeah, we probably do.

Katie: All of this actually does have so much to do with our guests this week on the pod. I'm so excited for our listeners to get to hear this interview because it is so much about community connection. 

And Lily, this woman who everyone's about to meet, had so many surprises on her journey. I just loved how, at every turn, whether it was showing up for a protest, becoming a part of a mutual aid effort in her own community to make sure that everyone can have a full belly, whether it was when she came into her own struggles financially in her own life, how the surprises kept rolling. And all of it comes down to friendship and transforming communities through friendship. 

If this is just what we could all do and and be in community together, I think we would make a whole lot of progress, a whole lot faster than a lot of people in power are telling us how to.

LaFonda: One little step, she took one little step and it all came back full circle, even for her. And it was, it was amazing. Yeah. 

Katie: Lily for president. 

LaFonda: I know. And not this girl's boyfriend for sure. 

Katie: Haha. Alright, let's hear from Lily.

BREAK

Katie: Today we are joined by Lily Pond. Lily is a writer, an artist, and a first generation immigrant from Hong Kong. Thank you so much, Lily, for joining us on the pod. We are excited that you're here. 

Lily Pond: Thank you so much for having me here. 

Katie: We found you through a post that you made on Substack, where you talked about volunteering for your local food pantry. Then when you were laid off from your job recently, they were there for you too. 

But let's back up a little. What inspired you to get involved with your community in the first place? 

Lily: Well, I was actually not involved in any community activism at all during the five years that I've lived in this city. When I moved here it was just before the pandemic, and I lived a very isolated life, so I didn't meet anybody in my community at all, and I had hardly any friends.

But things started to change this spring when I went out in the street to join the very first protest. And there I met some like-minded people and started making connections and I started to feel less alone. And through these connections, I, you know, I continue to go to every single major protest in the area and start to make more friends. In one of those protests, I met a guy, we talked about many things, but he told me about a local food bank. And unfortunately a few days later, he passed away. 

I was really, really shocked and sad in the aftermath. I remembered what he told me about wanting to volunteer and I went to the link that he shared with me and signed up to be a volunteer. And since then I have not stopped volunteering for this food bank and I decided that I was gonna do it in his name. So this was his legacy and, um, I realized how even a little gesture of kindness or sharing resources or information like this can have far reaching impacts. His wish to volunteer for his community actually inspired me to do the same. 

Katie: I just wanna say, I'm so sorry for your loss and it's so beautiful what you've done as a result of honoring your friend. Thank you.

Lily: Yeah. I think that putting my grief into action really helped me to process and helped me to move my grief through my body and to spread the love, and that's how I was able to heal.

LaFonda: I think that was gonna be my question to you. You share that you're an introvert and you were feeling isolated, and then you've also got this grief layered on top of it. And I think my question is, how have all of these things kind of helped you process through that, right? Like you've got this community that you've built. I'm curious how that has helped you get through some of these things. 

Lily: So building community was something that actually came as a surprise to me because I'm such an introvert. I remember reading a sign at, at one of the protests that “things are getting so bad that even introverts are coming out.” So that described me too.

And I think that it really took things to be so bad that it brought out the part of me that was dormant. And this part actually was a desire to help other people and to spread the love. Um, I had that desire since I was a kid. I grew up, you know, in Hong Kong where there was a huge gap in wealth and a lot of, there were a lot of beggars and homeless people, so I developed empathy for them. And I always wanted to help other people, even though, you know, my family was poor. But I saw that they were always more people out there who needed help. 

So this desire sort of laid dormant in me because, you know, I've always been sort of economically struggling. So all along I felt that, well, I didn't have enough to help others. My image is that oh, a bunch of, you know, ladies who lunch, sitting together, you know, drinking champagne and raising funds. Right? I mean, that was not for me. I mean, I, I didn't feel like I belonged to that world, right? And I felt that there was nothing I could contribute. 

Katie: What did you expect when you got engaged with the food pantry, the food bank work? You wanted to go and show up there to honor your friend. What did you expect versus what you experienced and was there any surprise there for you?

Lily: I just signed up to deliver food, so I signed up as a driver and that's all I wanted to do. You know, I, I wanted to be low key and, you know, just do my part. And I had, at that time, I had a full-time job, so I couldn't contribute a lot of time, and I thought, well, I'll just do what I could, you know.

But once I started, I, you know, I, I got in touch with the families that we served and I learned about their stories, you know, the human side behind this effort. And I was very touched and motivated to do more. So from there I started to organize a group of volunteers to create a new program for more families who were in need in my city.

I got to meet like-minded and like-hearted people and we work together as a, it's really a dream team, and we work together so well because everyone is so focused on the goal, which is to serve these families in very dire situations. You know, some of them have lost a main source of income. They have many, many children and some of the children have special needs. So that's where we come in. So we are all very excited every time we meet and pack food and, and deliver to them. Yeah, it's amazing. 

Katie: I can tell just by the energy in your voice and the smile on your face when you talk about this group, just like how much it gives back to you just through the experience of connecting with these, these other people. 

And I think that that, that, that's always the surprise, right? It's like there's this really hard thing, this huge problem. It seems like we can't tackle it, so we end up so often just saying, well, there's nothing I can do anyway to make a difference here.

Instead, you did what you could do, no matter how small, and then it's become something so much bigger. You engage with this group of people, you're helping with delivering food, creating this additional program. And then a few weeks ago, and you wrote about this on your Substack, about how you were laid off from your job and so, you know, here you were providing all this support to other people, but then now can you just share with us how the same community that you have been supporting has said to you that they can also support you in return? 

Lily: Yeah, so it came as a big surprise to me because all I've been doing was to help other people in need, and I never thought that one day I would be using their support. But about three weeks ago, I lost my job to a layoff and that same day… well, so besides delivering food, I also help service a local community fridge, which was also set up by the same food bank. So I would go there once a week and clean the fridge and then fill it up for people to pick up their food. 

And so community members can donate food, or pick up food, or do both. So it's really, it is run on a model of take what you need and give what you can. So I love that model and I love serving, servicing this fridge. So that day after getting the terrible news, I also got a message from the food bank's founder and, and they were like, “Okay, there's some problem at the fridge, please go and check it.”

So I went there and then when I was there, I met two people who went there to pick up food, and one of them was also laid off about a year ago, and we shared stories and he said that, “you know, there's no need to feel shame about getting help.” So it was validating to me even though I knew it. And that's why I got into volunteer work, cause I, I also believe that there's no shame in getting help when you need it. 

So on that day, I actually filled the two roles, like, you know, someone who could give help and also who was in need of help. So after servicing the fridge, I called the founder of the food bank and told them, okay, it's all right now the fridge is working fine and, and then I just off the cuff, you know, just told her that I lost my job and they said, “well, don't worry, we have your back. You know, we have good food, so you are covered.” So I almost wanted to cry after hearing that. I didn't realize that the support was so strong and it was there at the very exact moment that I needed it. And it also calmed me, you know, my anxiety about how I was going to go on without a job. 

So it was very touching and it also made me realize that this was the spirit of mutual aid. Not about, oh, you know, we are sitting on a pedestal, high up, giving money to people or giving food that like whatever is left over, and even not thinking about what people need. But actually listening to them, and then also when it's your turn to need help, then you receive it from the same community. And I was just really, really touched by this kind gesture. 

LaFonda: I think you are touching on this and so I wanna just sort of stay there 'cause there's, there's such beauty in this idea of both giving and receiving from the community when you need it.

And it almost, it's like making me personally a little teary, just like hearing that 'cause like, I've been there, right? And I think probably a lot of our listeners have been there in some way or another where it's like you're pouring into people or the community and then when it's time for… there's a lot of pride and when it's time to get back, you almost feel overwhelmed by those moments. Even though you know, like, this is what I would do for someone else. And it's, it, it feels overwhelming to get that back. 

Lily: That's so true. 

LaFonda: I love that you got to experience that beauty from other people and experience that love and that care from other people. Cause that's, that's really what it's about. That mutual aid and that, that, that community is what it's about. 

Katie: It's also really powerful when you think about the context that we're living in where so much of, you know, people in power and with all the influence... When you think about what the purpose is of it, even of like an authoritarian government, is to have us turn against each other, to have us not see that there's anything that we could possibly get out of being in closer community with one another. That there is somehow a cost to that instead of the mutual benefit and beauty. 

And I think that, you know, so often with everything that we're dealing with from this administration, we're thinking about, “okay, we just need to stop the negativity, stop this bad thing that's happening, stop this bad thing that's happening.” But what Lily you're demonstrating is actually like, the beauty that we can create in this moment. There's so much pain. You are showing up for your neighbors to try to have there be less pain, you know? And now when you're directly impacted with your employment, that same community being there for you.

To me, like that's the world I wanna live in, you know? It's not just being against the things that are coming at us, it's like creating the world we wanna live in and what we're for. 

LaFonda: And pushing back against the idea that everyone has to be against everyone else. Cause that's not, that's not what actually happens in the world.

Lily: Absolutely. I think that focusing our energy into doing good and to lift each other up really is generative, you know, it's not divisive. And what's so beautiful about doing this work is that when you meet people who also feel the same way as you do, you know, wanting to contribute to our community, you start to see the human spirit, you know, the love that is generated through working together to help one another out. 

You know, when you mentioned living in authoritarianism, I remember a chapter in Timothy Snyder's book On Tyranny that really stuck with me. And he wrote about how in times like this, like what we are living in, it’s particularly important to lean onto your community, you know, to make connections. And when I read the book, I was still very isolated. I didn't know how, but lo and behold, you know, it was a surprise to me that just signing up as a volunteer opened up the door for me to be connected with the community. And, and even more surprising was that I could get the help that I needed from the same community. 

Katie: Well, I think Timothy Snyder would be very impressed by you as an example of exactly how it's done. 

LaFonda: Yeah. Lily, next week is Thanksgiving and families across the country are still struggling to buy food even with SNAP benefits finally resuming after the government shut down. What can our listeners do to help their neighbors with food insecurity right now? 

Lily: Yeah, that's a good question. So there are many ways our neighbors can help one another. They can actually start maybe a neighborhood food drive. Right? Just set up a table somewhere, anybody who has a place in their yard or in their home, and spread the word. A lot of the work that I do is spread through word of mouth. 'cause we like to talk to people we trust and through friends and family and people just sign up, you know, left and right. It's um, it's amazing. 

And of course on social media, if you have a social media account, you can spread the word that way and seek out your local food bank or food pantries. They always appreciate having volunteers. So I think the, the main thing is to realize that there's so many things happening in our world today that it may feel overwhelming, but just start small. Start with one thing. You can do, like, you know, when I signed up as a driver, I just wanted to deliver the food from point A to point B. That's it. So that way you don't get overwhelmed. 

So if organizing a food drive sounds like a challenge, maybe you get together with a group of friends. And ask around if there are any families in your neighborhood who are in need. Even one family, you know, can benefit from someone reaching out to them and sharing what they have. And one thing that's so important, you know, that I realized from helping the families in need is that when you reach out to them with the material, you know, necessities, it's not only feeding their stomach, it's a gesture to let them know that they're not alone. That someone in the community cares about them, even if it's just one person reaching out. 

So I think through sharing food and maybe, you know, the winter’s coming, we can maybe donate some warm clothes and jackets or whatever people might need. It'll just make people feel warm in their heart.

LaFonda: That's actually a good point. I do this every year on Thanksgiving. So if you have the means, inviting people who maybe don't have the means to your table for Thanksgiving, asking people to just come and join your family. Because it's not just about the food, but people feel that warmth and feel that comfort and feel that sense of love just being around people this time of year. So that's, that's a really good point. 

Lily: Yeah. Yeah. And then also look around, you know, in my community there are many churches and other volunteer groups that organize community dinners. 

LaFonda: Yes. 

Lily: They have special ones for Thanksgiving, for the holidays, but also regular ones. And those are great opportunities to volunteer as well, you know, work in the kitchen or serve the food or clean up. There's always a place for you if you wanna help. 

LaFonda: Absolutely. I love it. 

Katie: Lily, thank you so much for joining us, for sharing your story, for reminding us that a small thing can actually be a really big thing, not just for others, but for ourselves, and that new communities and friendships are just around the corner and waiting for us to form them, to make them stronger, and to bring us a great deal of joy. Thank you so much for being you and all you've done and sharing it.  

Lily: My pleasure. Thank you for having me. 

LaFonda: Thanks to everyone for listening today. Before we go, we want to leave you with our self-care tip of the week. Our self-care tip of the week comes from Hilary on our data team who says that cooking is her self-care tip, especially when we are frustrated or angry going into Thanksgiving, this is the perfect time of the year for this tip. Because a recipe with a lot of knife work always helps. And then, Katie, you have a home-cooked meal afterwards. 

Katie: Yeah. All the aggression is outside of you and you have made room to enjoy that home cooked meal. 

Alright, thanks everyone for listening today, this podcast and all the work we do at Red Wine and Blue is about building community. If this show is helping you lose your shit just a little bit less, we'd love your help. If you can take a minute to hit that subscribe button and leave us a rating and a review that'll help us reach even more women and continue to grow this amazing community. We will see you next week for a special Thanksgiving episode. Can't wait to see you.