Learning Over Blaming – Owning Your Growth

This episode offers practical steps to reclaim your power, making it a must-listen for anyone ready to break free from the blame game. In this episode I dive into Nicky Clinch’s inspiring journey from addiction and self-blame to transformative self-ownership. We'll explore how blaming others keeps us stuck, while learning to own our choices unlocks a path to personal growth and freedom. 

SHOW NOTES

Quotes:

“We’re either learning or we’re blaming.” -Nicky Clinch 

Reading:

Surrender -Nicky Clinch Buy here... 

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Transcript

The author Nicky Clinch said, “We’re either learning or we’re blaming.”

Welcome to The Soul Podcast, I’m Stacey Wheeler. 

At 20, Nicky Clinch was deep in addiction (alcohol, drugs) and bulimia, living what she calls a “lost” life. She describes this period as one of self-abandonment, where she was disconnected from her authentic self. Implicitly, this was a blaming phase—not in the overt “it’s your fault” sense, but in a broader avoidance: blaming her environment, past, or lack of control for her choices. For example, she might’ve seen her addiction as a product of external pressures or pain she couldn’t escape, a common trait in addictive cycles where responsibility feels out of reach. She could have believed internal stories and played the blame game until her last breath – like many do. 

Her transformation began with a rock-bottom moment—around age 20, she surrendered to recovery. In her book (called Surrender), she frames this as a choice to stop running from herself. There's power in recognizing your own bullshit. When we blame, we're giving away our power to outside forces. When we stop blaming... we take back the power.

That quote's been sitting with me, like a quiet nudge. You see, it’s not about one decision we make and then our life changes. It's about recognizing how we've abandoned our powder, then making a choice every day to recognize when we're deflecting responsibility for our happiness. We can grow every day by facing our truth... or we can stay stuck, pointing fingers. You and me, we’ve both been there—blaming feels good for a second, but it doesn’t move us. Today, let’s talk about what does—how owning our reality, messy as it is, opens the door to something real. 

The first step to taking your power back is to test if you're giving it away. The simplest way to do that is look at little examples. If you're giving away power on a small level, you might be giving it away on a large lever. So let's look at a few examples. 

Let's say you forget to stop by the grocery store on the way home, dinner’s stalled. Your response to this -in the moment- reveals truth to you. Do you blame or own?

Blaming: Maybe you tell yourself Work was nuts—and you've got too much on your plate. In your head, you complain about the situation. You blame yourself for being stupid or your boss for loading you up on work. You're tense. 

But how do you know it's a problem? You look for a symptom you're stuck. Are you defensive, dodging the real issue? Maybe the issue is disorganization. Being disorganized keep you perpetually running to catch up. You stay frazzled, and you're frequently tense (at home and work). Dinner is tense. You are uneasy as the blame plays out in your mind. 

This is where you start to learn and change: You own it: It's on you. You didn’t write it down; didn't remember to stop at the store. You got distracted. How do you avoid that in the future?You start setting a reminder to stop at the store. It takes maybe 30 seconds, but now you've avoided the tenseness caused by forgetting. Next time, you make it home with the groceries and dinner is more calm and relaxed. And so are you. 

If you find yourself blaming like this, stick with me. You'll find something useful in this episode.

Blaming is like a reflex—you trip, you look for someone to pin it on. Your day’s a mess—boss, traffic, the world’s fault. It’s safe, wraps you in a story where you’re right. But it’s a trap—it leaves you standing still, waiting for someone else to change. Learning’s different—it’s brave. It’s turning the mirror on yourself, asking, “What’s mine here?” It’s not about shame; it’s about truth—seeing where you could’ve shown up, could’ve chosen better. That’s where the growth lives, in that quiet, honest space. 

Picture it like this: blaming is handing your heart to someone else, saying, “You hold it.” Learning is taking it back—holding it close, even when it aches, because that’s how it heals. I’ve handed my heart off plenty—you too, I bet. So, let’s talk about how we take it back. 

Let’s walk through some moments—you’ll recognize these. First, think about work. You’re leading a project, it tanks—the boss isn't, team’s scrambling. Blaming’s easy: You're thinking “They didn’t pull their weight!” You’re angry, righteous—but stuck, same mess next time. Now try learning: you sit with it, own what you could have done better. You realize you didn’t check in enough, left gaps. It’s not fun, admitting that—you feel exposed. But you make small adjustnents—set clearer goals, talk more. Next project? Things go smoother. The team feels stronger. That’s growth—your hands on the wheel, steering better. By blaming you hand the power of your failure to an outside source. If nothing changes, you will continue to blame. When you look for some ownership, you will grow and your outcomes will improve. The choice (and the power) are yours. Blame... or grow? 

Okay, another scenario -Picture yourself, wanting to feel good—maybe eat better, move more. You slip—pizza again, no walk. The blame comes quick: You tell yourself life’s too hectic, you've got no time. You’re frustrated, but nothing shifts. Learning’s tougher: It means you've go to own your bullshit. Admit that you chose comfort, that you scrolled instead of getting exercise. That you let yourself down. Ouch—that mirror’s bright. But you start. Get back into the routine you set. You start to recognize your blaming and excuse making because now you're reminded that you  have the power. One salad, one lap around the block. Suddenly, you’re lighter, feeling proud. 

Blaming weighs you down; learning lifts you up, step by step. 

Then there’s love—friend, partner, family. You’re in a fight—words sharp, silence colder. You tell yourself they started it. You think, it's their fault you're here -arguing. Blame builds walls—days pass, you’re alone. Learning cracks them. Owning your own bullshit gives you the power. You own that you didn’t listen, got defensive. It takes courage to reach out— maybe you own that you messed up; to say “let’s talk.” Maybe it’s messy, maybe it’s beautiful—either way, you’re closer, more real. By owning your part, you're taking the situation out of your blame bank you've got it locked in. You're freeing yourself from the way it loops in your head. “We’re either learning or we’re blaming.” The truth of that quote shines here—every argument, every ache, you’re learning or blaming. Only learning brings you home.

This one can be challenging. Ego can get in the way. But you can do it. 

Why does this choice matter so much? Because it’s how we become ourselves—not just getting by, but growing into who we’re meant to be. There’s a bit of psychology—people who blame, they’re giving away their power, like life’s a script they can’t rewrite. But learning? That’s you picking up the pen—saying, “I’m in this story, I shape it.” 

I’ve felt that shift—when I stopped blaming a friend, a situation, my stress, even my own mistakes on someone else; found space to breathe, to build. It’s not a quick fix—it’s a practice, a daily choice. And I can tell you this -It's freeing to recognize your own bullshit and own responsibility for your situation. Does this mean everything is your fault? Hell no! Sometimes things happen. Sometimes others fail. But we only have power over ourselves. When we own our shit we take back power. We lighten the anxiety and stress. It is the only part of the situation we can control. So control it. The power is yours. Will you grab it... or give it away? 

Clinch’s words—they’re a compass. Every moment you hit a wall—a fight, a failure—you’re at a fork. Blaming pulls you back, shrinks you. Learning pushes you forward, opens you. 

It’s not about being perfect—it’s about being honest, showing up for your own life. That’s where the magic is, where you find your way. 

So, here’s something for you to try—a little step. Next time you feel that urge to blame—your boss, your day, yourself, your spouse, your kids—pause. Take a breath, ask, “What’s my part in this?” Maybe you rushed, maybe you held back, maybe you didn't communicate well—just one piece. Jot it down—a note on your phone, a scrap of paper. What can you do next time, so this doesn't happen again? Make a plan. Then do something—send that email, say you’re sorry, own that you could have done better... then do better the nex time. 

It’s small, but it’s powerful—you’ll feel your heart shift, that tug toward growth. 

It's not changing the world -it's changing yourself. 

If it sparks something, I’d love to hear—drop me a line, share what you found. Your story might light someone else’s path. 

Nicola Clinch said, “We’re either learning or we’re blaming.” Choose learning—choose you. 

Thanks for being here, for listening with your heart. I'll share a link to Nicky Clinche's book Surrender in the show notes. If you buy the book, use the link. A portion of your purchase will go to support the show.

This is The Soul Podcast—I’m Stacey Wheeler. Let’s keep walking this road together.