Have you ever felt the weight of societal expectations pressing down on you? As your hosts, Myke and Ryan, we share our personal stories and those of our listeners on the struggle of maintaining mental health, especially during the holiday season. We delve into the startling, yet overlooked issue of male suicide and the silent despair many men grapple with due to societal pressures. Our dialogue is an urgent call to action, reminding you that your struggles are shared, and you are never alone.
Navigating the dynamics of friendships, relationships, and social anxiety, we open up about our experiences, sharing insights that can help you manage these challenges. You'll hear about the value of vulnerability in friendships, the art of communication within relationships, and strategies to cope with social anxiety. From discussing the benefits of physical exercise to exploring different therapeutic approaches, we aim to equip you with tools that can help improve your mental health.
In the spirit of the holiday season, we underscore the significance of spreading cheer and supporting others. We believe that investing in authentic connections and treasuring family moments can make a world of difference. Our conversation veers towards the importance of open communication, the beauty of genuine relationships, and the power of having a robust support system. Tune in and join our community in this journey of tackling challenging topics and remember, you don't have to face it alone.
Have you ever felt the weight of societal expectations pressing down on you? As your hosts, Myke and Ryan, we share our personal stories and those of our listeners on the struggle of maintaining mental health, especially during the holiday season. We delve into the startling, yet overlooked issue of male suicide and the silent despair many men grapple with due to societal pressures. Our dialogue is an urgent call to action, reminding you that your struggles are shared, and you are never alone.
Navigating the dynamics of friendships, relationships, and social anxiety, we open up about our experiences, sharing insights that can help you manage these challenges. You'll hear about the value of vulnerability in friendships, the art of communication within relationships, and strategies to cope with social anxiety. From discussing the benefits of physical exercise to exploring different therapeutic approaches, we aim to equip you with tools that can help improve your mental health.
In the spirit of the holiday season, we underscore the significance of spreading cheer and supporting others. We believe that investing in authentic connections and treasuring family moments can make a world of difference. Our conversation veers towards the importance of open communication, the beauty of genuine relationships, and the power of having a robust support system. Tune in and join our community in this journey of tackling challenging topics and remember, you don't have to face it alone.
Hello, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Cologne podcast.
Myke:I'm Mike and I'm Ryan and we're usually smelling fragrances on a fragrance called journey and given uneducated opinions, but today we're talking about some a little more serious.
Ryan:Yeah, we're going to be talking about mental health, especially this time of year around the holidays, very important.
Myke:Right, I think, while we see happy, you know, sugar plums dancing in people's heads and stuff. Sometimes it can be a little bit more on the difficult side, especially if you're kind of like me. You don't really have your side of the family anymore, so you're just kind of floating, you're just out here, in the island of a human just waiting for a ship to pass by and interact with you.
Ryan:lonely I'm not trying to laugh. I'm sorry. I thought you were being a little bit of a hit, but no, I am.
Myke:But on the real it can be hard at times, and so we actually talked about doing this episode. I was listening to another podcast.
Ryan:Hold on one second. I hate to interrupt you, let me. I know all they can hear is me taking this fucking jacket off. Good God.
Myke:I know Fucking idiot. I remember my first podcast, okay.
Ryan:Okay, you were talking about. You were listening to another podcast, not our shocking.
Myke:Yeah, as much as I'd love to hear myself talk all day long, believe it or not, ryan, I'll listen to the podcast. And they said the in the US, the number was three times more likely that a male would commit suicide than a female, and now it's grown to four times more likely, so four times the amount of men end up committing suicide compared to women. It was like about men's mental health and I thought you know, we have the majority of our audience Not that this won't be for the ladies as well, but the majority of our audience is men and I think it would be healthy to take a break and talk about that. And also, as we've tried to open this up and make this a community, this is us saying one more time if you're out there, you feel alone. We got an email, hit us up.
Ryan:Yeah, reach out.
Myke:We'd be happy to hear from you and to respond to you as well, and we've had people listeners throughout the last almost three years now reach out and kind of say that that you guys' friendship has really helped me go through a dark time, because I felt alone and now I feel like I have a new set of friends.
Ryan:Yeah, what we have is probably pretty rare. Before we kind of get into that, I want to ask a question which I think we both know the answer to. But why do you think men are four times more likely to commit suicide?
Myke:I think because, I will use a comedic phrase Chris Rock says this, and I'm not saying that it's true, but I'm saying it could definitely feel like this. He says that only women, children and dogs are loved unconditionally. Men are loved as long as they're providing something. I thought that's pretty true, and so I think at times we feel like if we're not serving some purpose, then we're not either worthy of love or we're not receiving love, and that could be set up by certain relationship dynamics that are unhealthy, or it could just be our own mental state that makes us feel that way. Maybe it's not true. Maybe we are receiving love but we don't feel like we're worthy of it because of a place that we are mentally.
Ryan:But either way, I would say the broad understanding from men is kind of that right, yeah, I agree with that, and kind of like touch on it a little bit. I feel like I mean, you've discussed this. You know, you were raised by your grandmother. I was raised by my mother, both of them fantastic women. You realize, once they're gone, right, that that's like the last. Yeah, we've had this conversation, we probably did. We have it on the podcast. No, no, just you and I were kind of saying that, yeah, but it's like, yeah, we, we realized, like that's the last, like unconditional love, right, that for us as men, that we've that we're probably ever going to have, there's just nothing like it. You know, I have a daughter. She loves me, I love her, it's, yeah, my love for her is unconditional, right, and I'm sure she loves me just as much. But it's so much different than when a mother, a nurturing character, cares for a man because out here, in the real world, outside of them, we never. We never got that.
Myke:Yeah, it's more of like they look at you from like your mom, my grandmother standpoint. They go. I am not giving up on you, I am not leaving your side, but anytime you get into a relationship, you know that if you for too long do not produce results, that person can easily go. I'm not getting whatever avenue it may be in. I'm not getting what I want. I'm not getting what I need. Yeah. Therefore, I have the right to walk away. Yeah.
Ryan:That's kind of hard, it is very hard. It's such a different dynamic than what you grop with your most of your life, right, and then when that's gone, it's so gone and it's kind of funny, just as humans that both sides just can't like step outside of a box and kind of realized how I would think a majority of men are kind of raised, yeah, and know like they were nurtured by their mother. Their dads were always like hey, pull yourself up, don't cry all that shit. You know what I'm saying.
Myke:Yeah, we're kind of built that way. I think that is also what makes it more difficult for us to receive something from other people, because we've been made to not be a burden, like we've been told. Stop crying.
Ryan:Yeah.
Myke:Like you're making everybody feel awkward yeah.
Ryan:Did you just trip and knock your teeth out? God damn it.
Myke:Yeah.
Ryan:You're making a scene right now.
Myke:Rub some dirt on. It is what you know, we heard as a kid you know, just rub some dirt on it, you'll be fine.
Ryan:I'll say my dad though, luckily, has always been a little bit less like that than the most fathers I've seen growing up with their kids. He still had his moments and I, you know I'm even guilty of it. You know my stuff's not. There's been times where I'm like man, maybe I was a little too harsh on my man. You're crying about that. You know it's like.
Myke:We have to straddle the line between loving them but also preparing them for what the world is going to be like, because that's what we know the world to be like as well, which is nobody gives a fuck, nobody.
Ryan:I don't look, I don't know how it is for women all the time, but I just from a man's point of view. When you get out there in the world, nobody cares what happens to you. Yeah, I mean it's maybe that's kind of a dark way to say it but the majority, I think, people that love you, obviously want good things for you, but the rest of the world doesn't give a shit about you or your, your burdens or stress, whatever they don't care?
Myke:Yeah, so if I put the magnifying glass on that, I think the example that you kind of gave with your steps on, which is, was I too tough in that moment? Yeah, you're reflecting the things that we're seeing, or at least what we feel like out there, which is no one cares about your feelings. Yeah, just perform. That's how it feels man. So they. I think ultimately that's what this podcast episode is about, and finding a way to navigate that. Because another thing they said on this podcast and I don't know if I feel this a hundred percent, but I do agree to some point is that, like they say, men's mental health is treated a lot like women's mental health, which is you are worthy, you are good enough, you are loved, and they're saying that men need to feel capable, powerful and control, you know, and it kind of argues the question of do you want to be loved or respected? You know, cuz it's like I don't care if I'm loved, I want to be respected, but why can't the answer be both?
Ryan:Yeah.
Myke:I hear that a lot. Like men go I don't care, if you love me, you will respect me. Yeah, you will shut it up to me, you know. But I feel like the answer can be both. Why can't we be loved and respected, you know?
Ryan:I don't know, man, such a wild world, you know. I mean also what we need to kind of touch on and not kind of neglect, is that not necessarily just our health, but everybody's health during the holidays and people that have lost loved ones that you're not gonna get to experience these holidays with ever again. It's so devastating. It's devastating and it funny when you're a kid. Remember were kids, were Excited to run downstairs and see what's stand-alone or think, right, it's like you know, I think back, you know I think about like my parents know they lost loved ones. You know mom's, dad's and it's like, once you've lost that. When I lost my mom four years ago, that that was like you know, a few months before Christmas. Right, god damn, it was brutal. It was like she's not here to enjoy this, my children are not here to enjoy her right. So tough, it never gets easier. It never gets easier. Now, every year I feel that way. Or on their birthdays, I hate how much they're missing out, but you know you got to put on a happy face for.
Myke:Yeah, I think that's. And you and I were actually we're Walking around the track, like right after Thanksgiving, and I have a cousin who works out in the community that you and I live in. Yeah, and we were walking by him and he was. He was actually working around the walking track and he's, you know, asked me how my Thanksgiving was. I said I was good, and then he said it's not the same as as a Thanksgiving at nanny's, though.
Myke:Huh, and I was like, yeah, that is true, because unfortunately, when I lost my grandmother, I kind of lost my connection to the family. She was like where everybody went to, yeah, so that's how I saw all of that side of the family was through her. And right before she passed she told my aunt hey, make sure that Mike comes to your house on holidays Because he won't have anywhere to go Otherwise. And of course that aunt dropped the ball because she doesn't love me. No, but the point, the point was being like now on holidays, I really Like I I'm not gonna invite myself over to people's houses. So I've really just kind of lost contact with my side, you know. No, so I don't there. I feel like there are other people like me that don't have anywhere to go, which is okay, but it can be hard sometimes.
Ryan:No, I totally get that. It's strange to me. It's probably why I've had depression a little bit my life, because Me and you kind of came on that last bit of the, that generation of like when we were kids it was nothing for you to travel to go see family during the holidays. Right now everybody's. I feel like nobody does that as much. Yeah, they just just trust me, you don't. It's the diligence and draped in freaking Christmas decorations when you go in the mall anymore like you used to, it's just it doesn't feel the.
Myke:So it doesn't feel like you're in the best parts of home alone.
Ryan:Yeah, you're like in the worst parts.
Myke:Yeah, you're alone in a big city without family. People are trying to kill you.
Ryan:You see Santa Claus getting off, clocking out outside, getting into a beater yeah, that's how it feels now, but but no, it is like a big part, like you grow up and you have this, the solid foundation, if you will, yeah, of your family and what you know. And then as you get older, you realize and I think this has probably happened over time with probably every generation but as you get older, things start to kind of drift away. You don't lose people necessarily just because of death. Sometimes you just grow apart with other family members or, like in this case, your grandmother passing. Then it's like people that should have been like hey, let's step up and talk more, you know, yeah the tough part is like.
Myke:It isn't their responsibility, though you know just cuz my grandmother was like man.
Myke:I'd really like for this to happen. You know I also get why it doesn't happen. It's not their responsibility and I wasn't like their kid. I was, you know, very much like a one of my grandmother's kids. So I understand that.
Myke:But it does make the season more difficult, especially because now I basically just go to her grave on holidays, which, yeah, is a weird feeling. It's like a good feeling and it's a hard feeling, but it's a sobering feeling. But let's, let's slide into the friendship aspect, because I want to give a little bit of story about me and I hope that a lot of guys aren't vibing like this. But before you and I really became really close and then also there was one dark season in our friendship that I was very, very depressed and I think what a lot of people do is they put the smile on for everybody. They're the Robin Williams out there that make everybody laugh and they look the happiest. There's actually this commercial about like depression and it's two friends and it shows them on the bus ride to like a big Sporting event. Yeah, I've seen which one you're talking about. Yeah, one of the friends is like quiet to himself.
Myke:The other person's got freaking clackers in his hands and you know he's like wearing a big, you know spindle hat and he's like laughing with everybody and they go to the game and you know everybody has a good time, and then it shows that like one of them has, you know, committed suicide. And then it just shows a friend like putting the hat on the seat, yeah, and it was the happy guy that had committed suicide. And then the sad guy was the one where it's like some people just don't show how they're feeling and you would never know. Oh, you know, and I was very much that guy where now I'm a little bit more disgruntled, a little bit more Outward with how I'm feeling.
Myke:But there were a couple of things that really got me out of that really, really dark season. One was our friendship and then the other was I just started walking a lot, yeah, and since I started I've Not stopped. Even when I eat like crazy and I'm in no way trying to lose weight, I still pretty much actively walk. Almost every single day I'm doing some sort of physical exercise. Those two things have helped a lot. But I can guarantee you, if you don't have somebody you can lean on at all, if you're completely alone, then it's hard to do anything else to have any sort of motivation, and so I think that's why people really enjoy our friendship, because I know I have. It has gotten me for sure, a lot of hard times and hopefully the same for you.
Ryan:Oh, absolutely, and for anybody out there I guess, kind of from my point of view, because I'm such a loner type yeah, very introverted loner but when I do get attached to somebody my cap and to be that person, I'm like sink my claws in, I'm not going anywhere, pretty much. It also is kind of a two-way street for people out there Know that sometimes you're gonna have to let your guard down and be open to other people because Mike is a very he's crashing through your fucking life Whether you like it or not. Yeah, and so it's like for me it was in the beginning.
Ryan:I'm not gonna say it was hard, but I was really bad about my communicating with him or you know how I would hang out and I would need to recharge and just Couldn't like voice my opinion about that, like I felt like he was gonna fucking judge me. But but it is kind of a two-way street and I know there's other people out there just like us that you can, you can have a friendship and camaraderie with about life, but it does take you having to pull your walls down and to say things that you might not be comfortable with, because that's one thing as men we are so terrible about. All of us are terrible about opening up, and maybe it's just trying to find that right person. You know you can kind of like talk to about and you know it's gonna stay between you too, but I don't really have anybody else that I can open up like that too.
Myke:Yeah, that's for whatever reason. Guys, if we need like the ability to really be vulnerable but we rarely can, or we rarely feel like we can, because I mean I have other guy friends that just aren't as close and at times I've tried to be close with them and like open with them and it like got really cringy really fast for them and then we stopped being as close friends because it was like Mike's a puss, you know like it gets into that territory.
Myke:I remember one of my friends. We were in like a friend, like group kind of hanging out. One guy was going through some shit and he just kind of started opening it up, yeah, and one of the other guys said, just fucking, drink beer like a man. And like, just like, drink your problems away, numb yourself. You know so weird. And that was him like trying to be supportive and telling him like here's what I do, I drink a lot. You know it helps. God. You're so fucking dumb man.
Myke:But friendships are very much. You get out what you put in, and not every person is really open to having that type of relationship. We just lucked out that you and I are both like kind of sensitive dudes and we were able, we lined up at the right point to where, when we were able, to be vulnerable. And it took time. We've known each other for a long time now. It took time to even get this far. You know you can't just jump into the deep end at one. You know, the first day I met you I was like crying on your shoulder. You feel like God, get me away from this guy. But we've worked up to the point where, yeah, the more you put into the friendship, the more you kind of let the walls down, the more you're going to get out of it.
Ryan:I'm not trying to pick on, you know, whoever, whoever you out there in a relationship with somebody, if they have a problem with you spending time with friends, yeah. And I will say one caveat though if you're just going out to go drink all the time, I'm not like shaming you for doing that.
Myke:How you're spending your time with your friends.
Ryan:Yeah, as well, if you're doing regular, you know some chill shit, real bonding type stuff, like if they got a problem with that. I don't want to say like being an asshole and address it, but that is kind of a problem too. That a lot of men find in relationships is that their significant others are not comfortable with them Right Stepping out for even a second, which is so weird. I don't know why. That is because I've always been very just like oh, you're going to go hang out Supportive of that.
Myke:Yeah, which is weird too. Yeah, like, if you're a guy and you're hanging out and let's say you and your friends go to the bar and you're actually kind of chasing tail and you're in a committed relationship, yeah, like, obviously your partner would not be cool with that and it makes sense that does make sense, yeah, but if you've been very clear at like oh, me and Ryan are going to go hang out and do this specific guy thing yeah, whether it's if we're going to come to a podcast or we're going to go smell fragrances or
Myke:we're going to go out to eat or we've got our nails done, yeah, hey, we've gone. And you know, we went to the spa, we hit the sauna, we had massages and then we ate some gummies and ate everything else after that. So I mean, we've done guys, yeah, I think. But it would go the opposite way too. If you, if you're a partner, you could tell like, oh, I can trust them, but they need their own personal time, you know. But if your partner is going out and going to bars and the same type of thing, we're basically saying you're not asking to go act single, you're asking to actually have relationships with other people, and that is okay and have friends, and that is 100% fine. And if they're not okay with that, yeah, they're assholes, absolutely. But if you're using that opportunity to go do things, if you are saying you're in a committed relationship, you're going to do single guy things, then you're the asshole Absolutely.
Ryan:I think we play both sides of that.
Myke:Yeah, good, okay, just making sure, but yeah, 100%, that I'm at that point where, if I am not allowed to have, if I'm not allowed to pour into and invest in your and my relationship, it will determine how I handle other romantic relationships, because this is as important as if you were my brother. Yeah, so how do they help themselves, ryan, if they're filling down right now, man?
Ryan:that is a hard thing to answer, because it's so, you know, it's a fun.
Myke:It's nuanced, right. Each person is a little different, yeah.
Ryan:For me. I will kind of double stamp something Mike said earlier with the walking. If you are kind of feeling down, simply just going walking every day for 30 minutes minimum, I promise you will make a huge difference. When I was a lot younger, going through high school, I suffered. I still suffer with it.
Ryan:I'm such an introvert, I have social anxiety. I'm not trying to make fun of anybody when I say this, but I'm not like weird about it anymore Like I was when I was younger. I don't let it affect me, it's there, but I just kind of push past it all the time, right, if that kind of makes sense, yeah, you kind of live with it better. Exactly, I've understand to live with it better and know what I need to kind of, you know, decompress and to be able to refuel my energy to take on. You know me. Yeah, that are public events and stuff, right. But when I was growing up it was really tough. School was really tough. I had such bad anxiety. I feel like everybody was looking at me all the time. Of course you find out when you get older nobody gives a fuck.
Myke:No one cares, I could be bleeding out in the street and people just like step over me to like get their McDonald's. Exactly yeah, like get a job, you bum.
Ryan:Yeah, pretty much. But I now went to different psychologists and psychiatrists and, you know, counselors during that and I actually found one young lady in the town we're at finally, after like multiple ones, and she kind of she like got me and that's why I'm kind of trying to say this a little bit. It's like you were saying it's kind of nuanced, everybody's different. She understood my capability, what I take in information wise, and she just showed me, like in a book, in the actual book learning, you know, what they've learned from this is what you got and this is how it kind of happens, right, and she was like I just try this. Because she knew that I didn't want to be on medication. That's another thing.
Ryan:Us as men are very yeah, I don't want to be. I had to live on this thing. It may help me live, you know. So she was like look, take the medicine. I want to say it was like Paxil or something at the time, a really small dose. I was a kid. But she was like I just challenge you to just go walk every day and then we'll slowly win you off. And we did that. I just saw how much walking really does help. Now, look, I'm not in great shape. As fat as I am, though, I can walk my ass. I can walk for a pretty good bit, but I will tell you and I need to get back to it it does make a difference to walk.
Ryan:You're releasing natural serotonin, getting sun, you're breathing in fresh air somewhere, wherever you're at Wherever you're at, maybe not you know, but it is a huge boost to you and after a while you will start feeling a little bit better. Things are not going to be easier. I'm not going to share a coat, Nothing. Life is going to be tough.
Myke:And it depends on what you're going through too. There are certain situations. A friend of mine I recently had lunch with. He just went through a divorce. He just got fired. At the same time he's, damn, going through some shit and that guy is, he's in therapy, he's on medication and that's working for him. Me my doctor put me on medication I think it was like a pro. And after you and I started like walking regularly and at that time also because you and I were walking together, we would talk just about random shit, you know 30, 45 minutes. I slowly got myself off that because you had noticed you were like man, you are not yourself on this.
Ryan:Yeah, I was about to step in and say for people out there, if you can't see a sign yourself, some of that stuff can be not trying to scare people, but it can be kind of dangerous. Because I know Mike's kind of like baseline, if you will, right, and the energy he brings, everything and he was taking this medicine at the time. I just was just noticing, like really quickly, I was like man, I was like you're too neutral, yeah, which?
Myke:is scary. You were going through some stuff and at one point you just go. I feel like you don't give a fuck what I'm saying right now, and I was like, no, I do. But I had this like kind of and to be real with you for a few weeks. It was pretty nice to not give a fuck, but I was like I was just kind of like, yeah, whatever about everything, and that's not me though.
Ryan:Yeah, it's not and that's what I tried to tell you then. I would tell anybody now is like you're going to have issues in life, but it's to live in your own skin and how you are. That's why I'm like I'm not anti these type of medicines. I think they do server purpose.
Myke:Yeah, like I said my friend, he's really going the medical route. Yeah, it works for him, yeah, he's in a far better place than he was and even talking to him we just had like really good, healthy conversation, but he was just telling me everything. He's kind of going through how he's. I mean, now they have these like rapid eye therapy and stuff which is it kind of blows my mind, but so like REM sleep, like rapid eye movement sleep, yeah, that is when you take everything you've experienced throughout the day and it kind of writes it onto your hard drive. Until then it's like a temporary storage. You know, rapid eye therapy reverses that, hmm. So it's basically like, in a way and I'm probably over simplifying this and people are going to be like you know you're an idiot, you don't know what you're talking about, but from the way he was explaining it it's my friend, he's dumb, I'm smart he would say that's basically it unrites stuff off your hard drive. Obviously, you know you can never delete anything 100%.
Ryan:Yeah.
Myke:Man, that's crazy. It helps with that. So he's gone through all this different stuff and for him, you know, this is all working great for me. I had to find the balance in my own life to where I just said. I like to be all in with everything I'm involved with. So if something's not healthy for me, not good for me, I have to find a way to cut it out, because if I leave it in, I will continue to be all in and it will continue to hurt me. So for me, I think, if you've met me, it's like when Ryan and I go to a store, ryan's like hey, how y'all doing? Hey, everybody. Oh, that looks like a beautiful cake. Oh, I should get that. I'm not going to say a word to anybody. I don't want to interact with anybody. If somebody's like, hey, good morning, I'm like yep, and it was like just keep on going and that sounds terrible.
Myke:But it's like when I'm for you I'm a hundred percent, all in. But that limits the amount of energy you have for other shit, for everything else, yeah, so I am just like. But if I'm convinced I'm a friend for life, I don't care if I've only known you a day. If I feel like I'm vibing with you, I'm in like you're a genuine person. And even if I don't like it, there's a friend that I work with in photography and she has the most abrasive personality. I don't even really care to be around her, but I love that. She is so one hundred percent like, authentically herself, that I'm like I got to keep this person in my life, because it's rare that you find somebody that just like, lets it all hang out, so to speak. And so I'm like I'm cultivate that relationship because I'm like I love that she is her a hundred percent herself. You know the same way with you.
Myke:It's like there are times when I'm like God damn it, ryan, what is wrong with you? I'm like, oh wait, that's Ryan. Like I love Ryan because Ryan is a hundred percent Ryan all the time to me. So I love that too. But that is how I have learned to slowly handle things. I've just learned that I'm going to be all in no matter what. So if that relationship is not healthy for me, then I need to remove myself from it, because if I don't, I'm going to continue to pour into a bucket with holes at the bottom of it. You know what I mean.
Ryan:Yeah, I'm going to get a little off subject here for just a minute. Kind of a couple of different things, so it may be me rambling, I'm sorry, just get to it. But you know, I'm just here to kind of tell everybody life is not going to get easier. It's always going to be hard. There's always going to be hurdles, and that's okay, and I've had a few hurdles recently that have been thrown my way, one fixed and then literally a week later, another one pops up, one of them being my father. Just about four days ago he had a stroke and at the time of that, when it happened, our brother and I brought him to the hospital.
Ryan:It was pretty, it was pretty bad and immediately like I had PTSD because I had to deal a lot with my mother when she, when she was passing, when she was going through what she was going through four years ago prior to her passing.
Ryan:One thing I, I guess just to ran on because I had so much PTSD about it. My immediate thought was like man, if something happens and my dad has to be on a home, that something that needs 24 hour care, something happened Like it erected me, because I know how it's set up, you know, and part of me is telling you in the beginning of this, like hey, life's hard, everything sucks, it's septic, but there's some things I really think as humans, as individuals experiencing this life together. I don't understand why we fight so hard between classes, between politics, when things like healthcare for me, I don't give a fuck how it can make sense. Make the shit make sense. Yeah, why is it so convoluted? And I just had so much back to kind of drive the reason why I'm thinking this way right now. When my mother passed I won't go into crazy detail, but it was very it was brutal and very painful.
Myke:Yeah, I can't imagine what you were going through, just because the limited exposure that I had to it was overwhelming it was Unreal and the amount of pain she went through prior to her passing was just it's insanity.
Ryan:And the best care she got during her whole last two years of her life of hell, the best care she got was a nonprofit hospice organization and it's just, it was so crazy to me to see and she, she lived in hospice for about 21 days and didn't eat for 21 days, slowly, slowly passing away but during that time, not that they didn't fear they gave her, she wants them, she just had no appetite. But the level of care, concern, bedside manners, how they treat it, family and loved ones, not just of us, of everybody around us, and there was tons of people going through the same thing in this in this place. It's a big place, it was unreal. Full coverage, I mean people on hand, people move in patients every hour or so so they don't get bed sourced stuff like that Just unreal. And I just it still kind of pisses me off to this day why it can't be like that medical.
Ryan:My mother retired as a nurse, so it's like I know how much love and concerns you put into it and I feel like everything today and it's not just hospitals and stuff. So I'm not just ranting on this, but it's like everything is such a subscription now, everything is such a for-profit and I don't feel like as humans because you got to keep in mind this kind of thing kind of built up fast like this for-profit, subscription based living. It's like this is something that popped up in the last hundred years. Humans have been, you know, going through life for thousands of years and you're kind of we at this generation are being, you know, shoved down our throat, we're gagging on it. It's like we had to live this shitty existence and not speak up about it, and I just feel like it goes past politics, I feel like it goes past your religion, I feel like it goes past everything to just go hey guys, can we make things make sense for some certain things?
Myke:This is why I like beat the table most of the time when we talk about the fragrance community? Because I'm like, why the hell are we taking shots at each other all the time? You know I'm always going like life is so hard. Why are we trying to create friction with one another over dumb shit? Because examples like this when the stuff you went through with your mom, you have a friendship where you kind of know how, when people need space and when people need you close and it was like at times you needed to handle shit.
Myke:After she passed, we cried together and that is like something I didn't go. Oh God, I feel gay for crying with another man. You know what I mean. Like when we were growing up that's what we would get. Like you're a pussy, you're gay, you're whatever. You're not allowed to feel emotions and I think what you're kind of highlighting is life, no matter what, is going to be hard. You've got to learn to navigate your emotions, to cultivate relationships where you're allowed to feel those round people and you can get whatever kind of support you need, Whether you're somebody who needs to feel like some people are just going to be there for you and be solid ground, or you need to feel like you're capable of handling those things, finding cultivate relationships that allow you that sort of support. Everybody needs something different, but I know for me, when I feel like I lost all family Ryan took a lot of that on his shoulders. There are times, I mean, we were already close, but after you went through that with your mom, and then, right before that, I went through that with my grandmother. Now you and I talk to each other 10 times a day probably. We call each other Every single day.
Myke:If we're not sitting down and I'm not saying everybody's going to find a friendship like that because you may have brothers or you may have family members or whatever. The point is, though, you can't be out on an island by yourself. You really. We are built for community, so find ways, even if it's through a stupid little hobby like fragrances, find ways to connect and interact with people, build strong relationships. That's my goal.
Myke:If I meet people, you know I met a hundred people at Assance, but there were three or four guys there that I was like man, I really jive with these guys. I'm going to do my best to build a bridge, to become friends, be a support system, and I'm just going to let it all hang out. I'm going to let all my energy and emotion and who I am. I'm going to just put it all out there. And some people vibe on that and they go, oh this is cool, this guy is really helpful, or he's really nice or he really cares. And some people are like weirded out by that. This guy cares too much. That's weird, you know.
Myke:I think the more genuine you are, you'll find people that will like that and the ones that don't will be repelled by that and they'll just go away and so what. But don't fight for those relationships either. Yeah, If somebody is like weirded out by the fact that you really want people that care as much as you do, you really want people as invested as you are, and they don't want to be that I've just learned over time Just let them go. Yeah, Because I've had friendships that I've tried to make work that way and over time it just hurt and then after a while it was just like I just got to let those go and really connect. And it means that you probably won't be as close with as many people. You'll have a smaller, closer knit group of friends, but those friends will be there for you.
Ryan:I would say for somebody like your personality type, very outgoing, extroverted personality that probably is a lot tougher. For me, that kind of stuff is like great, I don't have 100 people to talk to, you know, right, yeah, I'm like I just got Mike, I'm good, like you know, but it probably is tough wanting to have not saying that you don't like what you have here. But I'm saying I think your personality type, you probably do like to have a network of support, you know.
Myke:I think the way we interface with different people, like my version versus your version is like yes, like I want to. Whenever I'm interacting with somebody, I'll give you a brief moment where we can be surface level, but if we spend enough time around, then I'm going to want to be real. Yeah, I'm going to want to have. I'm like that guy you see on like speed dating shows, whether it's like can we just cut the bullshit? I want to get down.
Myke:You know, where's your trauma at? You know, what do you love? What are your life goals? I mean, at one point I remember I had even, like at this point, me and Steven and like messaging back and forth for a while, and I messaged him. I was like so what? I was like, man, you really killed those fitness goals. Man, what are your life goals? Tell me what you really want out of life.
Myke:And he's like what are we on a date right now? You know, like that's kind of weird, you know. But that is that's me. I'm like I want to dig down deep, you know, and like I will let it be surface level for a while, but after a while I'm going to go like hey, if we're going to be friends, I'm investing in you. And if that's weird, then then cool, now I know the line and now I know like I'm not going to pour in as hard if that's weird for that other person, you know. But I'm looking for those relationships where we can cut to the chase, be real, and that helps me, that makes me happier in life.
Ryan:I hope this episode was helpful to at least one of you guys that listened to us. It may have been all over the place because Mike get record and he was like I guess we're going live. Huh. I was like well hell do we need to plan this? He's like, huh, this fucking, let's just see yeah. But I did want to say to kind of retouch real quick about my father, like he's doing better.
Myke:Yeah.
Ryan:Way better than I thought he was going to do. Just to tell you, the brain is incredible. He Mike's perfect timing. Sorry, he just had to have that that drink, but no, but you know, the first couple of days I was really, really worried. Like I am not going to have my father the personality that I love and enjoy. He's very easy going and funny. Yeah, and for a minute there it didn't look like that.
Ryan:And I guess they said the first couple of weeks or when you're going to see the most turnaround, our improvement, to kind of see what you're going to see, I'm like wow, from one day to the next. Just yesterday when I went and saw him I'm probably going to go later here, just soon, I'm going to go here in a little bit but the turnaround was insane. Like he went from almost childlike talking to him the other day to where, when I talked to him yesterday, I'm like man, dad, they got this TV channel for you. He was like I don't know what it is, but it sucks. Which is him. You want me to change it? He goes, don't let you. And he went from not talking to fully carrying on conversations. So I was like really excited for that. Yeah, I think he's going to actually make a good turnaround. They feel that way. They think it's just going to be like a couple of weeks in rehab, just kind of redeveloping a couple of things.
Ryan:But yeah, for people going out there, you know, the reason I brought it was because you're going to have hurdles. I was just throwing one just now, right before Christmas, and already get upset about Christmas time. Just got to have my mom here with me anymore and so this is just another like God damn, it's just how it's going to be. Like I'm realizing, as much time as I actually spent with my dad spent a lot of time with him. We watched the football game this last weekend and having fun. You know, even as much time as I spent with him, I was still like man, I didn't spend enough time with my dad. Like, is this it?
Myke:You know it's never enough. You know, when you look back, because you it goes to like the the quality of the time versus the quantity of the time. Yeah, I had that conversation because there was recently a meetup of you know, different photographers and I went and they were talking a lot of them are female, because you know, it's kind of a female type thing now yeah, and they were talking about when they hang out with their kids. They've always got their camera and they're always snapping photos, you know, but they had kind of hinted to that. A lot of them are married. Their husbands work, you know, yeah, and so I'm like, well, I'm the only provider and so when I'm with my kids I really have to focus on the quality of the time, because the quantity is such less, because I'm I have to constantly work, so I never bring my camera.
Myke:We had talked about that one time because you had taken a video of like our kids all went to like a for the July thing and I was like God, I wish I had more videos like that, because it was like you had a high quality video, you know, and you I forget how you said it, but you were basically like look, no, you're really good at like being in the moment with your kids and I think for me, I've tried to be that as much as possible. I've tried to be as present as possible and I've they're old enough now where sometimes I have them help me at certain jobs, you know, and they have fun and they make hella good money and and they blow it on Fortnite bullshit, but yeah, so just finding that time to really enjoy them. But life is going to continue to be hard and we've just got to make the best of it that we can. And when it comes to the mental health thing, unfortunately there's not going to be a whole lot of people that care about your emotions and what you're going through. So, one, you really have to care about yourself. And then, two, I feel like you really need to find those type of people who will really care.
Myke:And it's hard. We've been friends for a long time, but not friends our entire lives, so there were still plenty of decades of, you know, blindly groping through before you find that one person that really just connects and you really have. And unfortunately, there are probably guys out there that are 30s, 40s, even older than that, that still don't have that really close relationship. And when you're younger, it's like important to probably have that role model, you know, so that you're like you can direct your path in the right direction. But now, when we're this age, you kind of just need that buddy. You know that. Not that we couldn't benefit from an older gentleman that can help us, you know.
Myke:But I think now the most important thing is just really finding that person that's just going to like band together with you and go like I'm in the trenches with you. We're going to whatever it's going to take. You know, there's been plenty of times where I've called you or you've called me and it's like I need to get here, I need you to pick me up, I need to whatever. You need to have that person for sure. I feel like you know, and it makes it makes the hurdles a lot easier to get over. But the more you isolate, the more you pull back, the harder it's going to be.
Ryan:You really need community around you and to kind of harp on community. And let's close it with this If you guys want to write us, please do visit the Cologne podcastcom. We have multiple ways you can reach us there.
Myke:Yeah.
Ryan:Reach out to us. We'd love to hear your story. If you're going through something, you need to get something off your chest. We'd like to help in some way we can this holiday, other than, just, you know, giving you a podcast.
Myke:Yeah for sure, yeah, and we're giving out bottles and blah, blah, blah. We're going to be doing that. But, for real, the things that matter the most and the thing that we've been blessed with at least now, since we have a smaller, more tight-knit audience of people is that we've really got to know some of you guys and we really do care, yeah. So if you haven't reached out and you need to reach out, shoot us an email by going through the website, the gmails on there. Just get ahold of us, let us know what you're going through. This is not an empty promise. We really do care and hopefully we can kind of spread a little bit of Mary and Brightness during this time, which it should be a time of celebration and excitement and family. But if you're out there and you're feeling some of the things we're talking about, then holler at us, we are here and until next time, spray it up, y'all.