S3 Ep 3 - Socialising

Jess has a dinner date.

Transcript

Episode 3 - Socialising

Hello and welcome to episode 3 of season 3 or Excuse the Jess squared.  I’m not sure if that makes sense.  Maths was never my strong point.  Today I am probably not going to be talking about socialising.  I think this will become a theme for this season,  to pick a subject and then not talk about it.  Socialising is not something I had thought about over the years, it was just something I did.  Then we are hit with a pandemic, and I can’t pretend there was part of me that not socialising suited.  Not in an I hate people way.  Although five minutes on Twitter can make you do that.  I just meant that there is an effort involved that sometimes is hard after you’ve been working and, I’m just going to say it, old.  How many memes are there now of best friends cancelling last minute because that’s what good friends do?  Actually, I hate that.  The cancelling last-minute thing is really rude without a real reason.  I know I am a contrary mare.  I’m an introvert and a social creature at the same time.  I just won’t make plans when I know I won’t be up to socialising.  It’s not hard.  At some point,… and  this has turned into another rant.  Apologies, let’s just start the ep.

Theme music

It was day 2 and I had been in Reading seven days.  I know, and we are already on episode 3, maybe my prediction of 55 episodes wasn’t far off.  No, I just know things will calm down.  Soon.  Back to day 2.  In work, we had a long meeting with the staff and Dawn was suggesting how I can help them and they can help me.  I would say a couple of them were not pleased I was there.  I am not sure how I would have coped with someone coming in and taking over a bit, especially as there was a cost cutting exercise in place.  Dawn said afterwards that it went well and I decided not to say anything to her.  It might have been imagining it.  I can be a closed book at times, and I wasn’t going to start accusing people.  I had decided I was going to be all Ted Lasso in my new role and maybe put a sign up above the door that said believe.  Not that I was their coach.  Not above them, I just thought I could be enthusiastic.  It was exhausting.  I had Ted Lasso on my mind though because I realised that’s who Dawn reminded me of.  Rebecca not Ted.  Rebecca in the show is beautiful, smart, and a good boss.  That’s what Dawn was.  I felt like I should be making her biscuits.

We are still in day 2.  When Dawn and I were alone in my office.  I asked if we were still on for Saturday night.

‘Of course’, she said.  ‘Looking forward to it.’

I forced myself to come out with it.

‘Would it be possible to bring someone?’

She looked at me strangely and then grinned.

‘A date?  You want to bring a date to my dinner?’

‘No’, I replied but I guess it was.  It was just we seemed to have skipped the dating portion of a relationship.  Was I in a relationship?  When did that happen?

‘Jess’, Dawn snapped her fingers in front of my face.  ‘Who is it?’

‘I’m so sorry.  It’s kind of a date.  It’s someone who’s staying with me.’

Dawn leaned forward as if to get more information, but Jo came back in the office.

‘Then they’re definitely invited.’  Before she started going back to work talk.

I hadn’t told Niles yet.  Day 2 was the night of finding out they weren’t pressing charges against the men in Wales who had defrauded the factory, which had inadvertently sent me on my adventure to Reading.  I realised I would have to change if I wanted any success in life and I realised Niles could help me.  All I wanted was 10% more than the amount on the contract and Niles to mentor me.  

There were many discussions that evening.  Niles was thrilled that I wanted him to mentor me, that was the easy part.  He kept saying he couldn’t go to 10% or maybe I could do more hours.  I said it was 10% and 20 hours or no deal.  I had nothing to lose.  If I was going to put writing and much more on hold for the six months of my contract in Reading, then it had to be worth my while.  I had to have faith that I was worth it and, in the case of work at least, I am.  I wish it hadn’t taken me this long to realise this.   I was absolutely resolute with Niles, and in the end, it worked.  

I did have my quiet space though that evening.  As he lay sound asleep in bed, I went into the room, and sat in darkness and one question just kept spinning in my mind, what the fuck was happening?

Music

I told Niles on day 3 about going to Dawn’s house for dinner.  He didn’t seem bothered in the slightest.  He said he was quite looking forward to it.  I was nervous.  Forget the fact that this was my new manager, although again, not sure if that’s the right wording.  Niles had insisted she was actually my client and so was his organisation.  It will take me a while to get my head around being a freelancer.  No, forget that bit.  This was the first time that Niles and I were going to be in other people’s company as a couple.  Were we a couple?  Was this a relationship?  I know other people tend to think so after I love you and living in the same place.  But this was Friday and Tuesday night was the first and only date.  I hadn’t even told my friends Ems and Izzy.  I am not hiding it; it’s just that I haven’t spoken to them.  It’s been a busy week but by the same token, they hadn’t gotten in touch with me.

It was just before 7.30 and I realised it was a massive Euromillions jackpot that night.  I rushed to my phone and started going into the app to purchase my ticket.

‘What are you doing?’ Niles asked.  It was a perfectly fair question because we were in mid conversation about work.

I raised my finger up to shush him.  ‘Two seconds.’

‘What can be so important?’

I ignored him.  The chance of winning £177 million was kind of important.

I hit buy on the app and it confirmed by ticket.  I let out a sound of relief because it was just about to be cut off time.

‘Right, what were you saying?’  I turned back to Niles who was just staring.

‘What just happened?’

‘I bought a lotto ticket.’

‘So it was important.’

Niles got up and started to top up his wine glass with more wine.    I think he was incredulous about the whole thing.

‘It was.  £177 million jackpot.  Yes please.’

Niles, luckily for him, realised my wine needed topping up too.

‘Do you think money would make you happy?’

It’s the type of thing people with money say.  Not that I know how much money Niles has.  I guess he has a good job and wears nice clothes.  That doesn’t make him rich though.  People tended to buy to their income.

‘It would make my life a lot less stressful.’  I admitted.  ‘Even if I won the million-pound draw, that would be something.  That would take the heat off me. I wouldn’t have to worry about money again.’

‘Do you worry about money?’.  Again, something someone with money would say.

‘I’m okay now.  But there are times in my life I’ve skipped meals because I haven’t been able to afford food.’

Niles put his wine glass down on the coffee table, sat down on the edge of the settee and turned to me.  

‘I never realised’, he admitted.

‘That money is an issue for me?  Yes.  Don’t get me wrong, I am okay.  Better than okay.  It’s just that I could be unemployed again in six months or if not then a year, five years. It’s not just ambition I am taking on the extra work.’

Niles nodded and reached forward to take a strand of hair away from my eye.  It was so sweet, so tender, and then he opened his mouth.

‘I’ll give you a million.’

‘Wait?  What?’ I perched myself on the edge of the settee to face him.  

‘Let me give you a million.  I don’t want you to worry about money.’

‘You’ve just got a spare million lying around?  Anyway, no.’

The thought of him getting loans or liquidating assets wasn’t appealing, plus no. 

‘No?’ He said genuinely confused.

‘No, because it never works out when people you know give you money.  There’s always tension then about how it’s spent or if it’s a waste.  It gives the other person some say on how you spend money and it’s horrible.’

He nodded again and his face furrowed as he was obviously thinking about this.  

‘I could give you the money and not see you again.  Then I wouldn’t know how you spent it.’

And all I could think was that he had come to his senses and wanted to pay me off, but his face was saying something different.  

‘You would give me the money, but I would never see you again?’

Niles nodded.  ‘If it meant you were happy, yes.’

I cupped his face.  He looked at me so intently and part of me wanted to be funny and say here’s my bank details, fuck off then.  I knew I couldn’t joke about this though.

‘Then especially no.  I’d rather have you.’

And I kissed him lightly on the lips.

He moved my hands away from his face.   ‘Thank fuck’

I didn’t even get one number that draw.

Music

On day 4 we stayed in most of the day.  It was nice to have that space together without work.  We didn’t do anything exciting. We watched Frasier in bed.   Niles made us brunch and we wasted the afternoon doing nothing much.  The day passed too quickly and we had to get ready to go to Dawn’s. Niles asked me if he looked okay.  He was casual.  Jeans and a shirt.  He’d look good in practically anything though, and I told him.  I was wearing jeans and a silk top.  He said I looked hot, but I didn’t.

I had spoken to Dawn’s partner Rachel, not her real name, on the phone as she was the one who rented me the flat.  She seemed friendly and no-nonsense, which was definitely my type of person.  Their home was lovely, with tall ceilings and tastefully decorated, plush furnishings.  It was the type of place I could see myself living.  Rachel cooked us a delicious curry with all the sides you would imagine.  The conversation flowed quite easily, and they were just lovely people.  So much so that I think Niles and I were getting a little too comfortable in their company.

Dawn suddenly said she was sure I was single when she offered me the job.  It was something she had checked before offering, not for any reason other than relocating would be more difficult.  I assured her I was.  Dawn and Rachel, both eyed me suspiciously.  Then Dawn remembered my exact words,  I was single and ready to meet other men.  Niles raised one eyebrow at me for that one.  He wasn’t cross. Mock indignation would be the best way to describe it.  

‘Oh I was’, I replied.

The confusion between Dawn and Rachel was palpable.  ‘Okay, we’re broad-minded’, said Dawn.  ‘What’s the deal?  Are you both single?’.

That was an odd one, and we kind of looked at each other.  Niles was keen to see my reply.

‘I hope not’, I said, looking directly at Niles.

Niles grinned.  ‘Good, because I am definitely not.’

I think we must have been annoying, but Dawn and Rachel never showed it if they were annoyed.

‘It’s an old-fashioned, no need to be the broad-minded relationship. The opposite of what I have just come out of.’

Niles laughed.  A genuine belly laugh.

Dawn continued the questioning.  

‘Okay, I guess we know that you are in a relationship, and it’s obviously with each other.  When did you start seeing each other?’

‘Tuesday’, I replied.

‘Tuesday?  This week?’  Dawn asked.

Niles confirmed it was.

Rachel was still eyeing us suspiciously.  

‘And you are staying at the apartment?  The one-bedroom apartment.’

Niles and I both nodded.

‘Since Wednesday.’ I confirmed

I knew we were definitely being annoying now, so it meant that I had to come clean.  Although I had enjoyed the flirty looks Niles and I were giving each other.

‘I knew him before that.  Just over a month.’

‘Yes’, Niles added.  ‘I came over to do a job, and she ensured I couldn’t do it.’

I liked my new reputation, a disrupter.

‘When I got punched in the face.’ I added.

Now I had Dawn and Rachel’s full attention.  A mixture of horror and curiosity.

Niles looked at me.

 ‘Is this how you are going to tell everyone?  Because I can tell everyone the moment you knew you liked me.’

‘When you took my breath away.  Not a huge threat.’

Dawn and Rachel made this aww sound and gave each other a look, both reaching to cover their hearts.  I knew I was in trouble.  They were romantics.

‘You know that’s just a primal urge.’  They weren’t listening so I continued.

‘And he didn’t notice me until I got punched in the face.’  

Niles rolled his eyes.

‘I realised that I liked you then.  I must have noticed before because I didn’t put you in charge of the factory.  That was the plan when I stepped off the plane.’

This was new information.  I was going to be running the factory.  But he hesitated, why?

‘I’m glad you didn’t.’, Dawn said.  ‘But we need to go back to being punched in the face’.

I explained what had happened.  A woman who never liked me decided that I felt the same about her and believed it was me that ordered that she either ended the relationship with her manager or one of them must leave.  Corporate rules, not mine.  I didn’t give a fuck.  That was Niles’s order.  

‘How many times did I ring you that night?’ Niles asked, knowing the answer.

‘Fifteen’, I replied.  That’s how many missed calls I had on the company phone.  I had left it in work in a rush to leave.  I wasn’t thinking straight.

‘And you didn’t think he liked you?’, Rachel countered.

‘No, I thought he was worried I was going to sue’.

‘Fair play’, Dawn said.  ‘Americans are litigious’.

‘You could have sued’, Niles said.  ‘It would have just come out of the company insurance’.

Now he tells me, I thought.

Then Niles explained his attempts to get to see me out of work.  Coming into work on the Sunday, inviting himself out with me, asking me to go sightseeing.

When he put it like that, I was confused why I didn’t realise.

Then he smiled at me when he finished, and I realised why.  How did he like me?

When I explained though what happened in the office and he stated he had to go back to Daphne, then the redundancy email, they were back to my side again.  They would have thought the same.  

‘But Jess knew’, Niles said.  ‘She knew I had come to Wales because of the problems I had with Daphne.  I told Jess we were splitting up.  I made it clear countless times.’

Maybe if you heard the podcast you might have thought that wasn’t true.  I only mentioned it briefly, but he had said it.  Numerous times.  I just thought he wanted to talk about it.

‘And then nothing for two weeks?’, I said 

‘I needed to see you’, Niles said.  I needed to know if it was real.’

There were more awwws from Dawn and Rachel.

‘I love a good romantic story.’, Rachel cried.

‘Who doesn’t?’, Niles replied

Me that’s who.  I didn’t say that though.  I just smiled as I realised that I had been through two weeks of believing I would never see Niles again, believing that there was no bigger fool than an old fool when he just wanted to make a big romantic gesture.  It made me feel sad.

When we got back to the apartment, well much later after that, Niles was getting back in bed and I thanked him for this evening.  He was keen, said he had a good time.  He liked Dawn and Rachel, not only good people but good for me he described them as.  I’d waited as long as possible, so I asked,

‘Were you really going to put me in charge of the factory?’  This would have meant sacking the OM, my then-manager.

Niles put his arm around me, and I instinctively laid my head on his chest. 

‘I was only planning on staying a few days, as Daphne moved out.   I was going to set you up in the OM’s job and leave you to it.’

I said nothing, let him carry on.

‘Then I didn’t, I waited.  The situation was more toxic than I thought.  The OM said no-one liked you and I needed to know why.’

There it was.  There was no he must have noticed me before.  It was a good story though. Made it sound more romantic than it actually was.  I should’ve said something.  I didn’t.  I was tired and I just wanted to prepare for a night of not sleeping.

I told him goodnight and spun around so we could go into our spooning position, the one where he passes out practically immediately.

‘Night beautiful’.  He said, lying at least the second time tonight.

Music

On Day 5, Sunday afternoon, he announced he had to visit one of the sites for work as it was part of the reason why he was allowed to fly over.  Not much of a shock and I knew that from day one. 

‘Where is Yorkshire?’  He asked.  ‘Closer to here?’

We went through a few places, and the closest was, yep, you’ve guessed it, back to Wales.  At least he knew where that was.  Then he asked about hiring a car, and I said he could use mine because, well, I had barely used it, and I was an idiot for even getting one in the first place.  He said he would pay for the fuel as if I wasn’t going to insist on it.  Then came the bombshell. He would have to go home on Wednesday.  I knew it was coming.  I thought it was coming sooner, but it still hurt.  That wasn’t good.  We always knew this was a visit.  We had no idea what would happen afterwards, though.  It had been like a holiday for us.  Although I have felt reality bite every day this week.  I knew that I wanted him to go and let me get back to some sort of normal life or at least get used to life here, and I desperately wanted him to stay because I loved being with him.  

Monday morning, he was up and out before me.  Dawn couldn’t wait to come over to chat about our Saturday night.  How much Dawn and Rachel liked Niles.  Liked us together.  It was nice to hear.  I asked her if we could keep it between us as it was silly early days.  The other side was that I wasn’t planning on telling her about my new job.  The work I was doing for Niles’s organisation.  Now technically as a freelancer, I didn’t have to, but it didn’t feel right.  I decided I would see how it went and mention it if I foresaw any problems like having to visit the head office.  I wanted to go to New York.  Wednesday if I could.  Niles even suggested it, but I pointed out that it might be frowned upon two weeks into a new role.  For the time being, he could only come here, and he was talking about once a month, and that would be okay because at least he wasn’t talking about Wednesday being the end.

Monday evening, I cooked a meal and waited for his return.  He came back stressed and unhappy.  He started ranting about the state of the place and how the OM had fucked up again.  He’s gone Niles announced.  

‘He’s leaving?’, I asked quite innocently because that’s exactly what I would do in that situation.

‘No, I’m firing him.’

I put a glass of wine into his hand.  Sat him down and started to massage his neck.  He wasn’t firing him.

‘That’s probably not a good idea.’

‘Why?’, Niles snapped.

‘Because of all the disruption that place has been through and now you want to sack the guy in charge bringing more disruption.  It should settle first.’.

‘Why are you defending him?’, Niles asked taking a huge gulp of wine.

‘I’m not, he’s a dick. ’

Niles stood up, releasing my hands, and put his wine glass down.  He started pacing then turned to me.

‘Listen, it could help you too.  I can take him out and put you in his place. It means you can go home.  Out of this apartment, out of a six month contract into a two year one.’

I paused.  I thought, was he testing me, or was he looking for a way out?  Either way.

‘Okay’, I said.

‘Okay?’  he responded, surprised.

‘Of course not.  Fuck off home if you want but don’t use that as a reason.’

He deep sighed.  ‘I was giving you an out.’

Well, if he did.

‘I don’t need an out, and I don’t need rescuing. End it now if that’s what you want.  I’ll get over it.  But if you like me as you claim to, then don’t.  What’s it to be?’

He had the intelligence to look ashamed.  ‘Stay. 100% stay.

He waited for the response he wasn’t going to get.  

‘Can we forget I said that?’ He asked.

I still didn’t want to let him off the hook.  I was pissed.

‘Please?’, he asked, and then it felt like I was being the unreasonable one. 

I went over to him and went to kiss him as if to say yes.  Instead, he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me so tightly that I could barely breathe. Then he started planting little butterfly kisses over my face.

‘If I say you’re forgiven, will you stop?’, I asked.

Then he went in for a full-on kiss on the mouth, and it was so delicious I never officially forgave him.

Music

On Tuesday evening.  Day 7, one week from our first date.  It was time for our last meal and last evening together, for the time being, anyway.  He would have to be up early, early than me, to catch his plane home.  I was being quite pragmatic about it.  We knew it would come to this.  We didn’t live in the same country.  We both knew that it would have to be a long-distance relationship which was okay.  It would be short-term, we would either find a way or we wouldn’t.  I mean I didn’t tell him that’s what I thought.  I was busy playing it one day at a time.  There was every chance he would go home and come to his senses, but until then, I would be there.  

He even pulled me on it.  Accused me of being cheerful when he felt miserable.  I told him that if we are sad now and then sad again tomorrow, we just end up being miserable twice.    He asked me when I got to be so wise. Which was ridiculous because he’d only known me for a month. 

At one point, he turned the dining chair to face me and held my hands.  

‘You know you can contact me, any time of the day.’

I nodded but knew that wasn’t strictly true.  He had a job and slept like the dead.

‘I mean it.  Do not spiral Jess.  Do not over think it.  You have someone you can talk to now, you can talk to me.’

That though, that was nice.  I had never thought of it like that.  I could speak to him, until the inevitable happened anyway.

‘Promise me Jess, promise you will speak to me.’

I agreed I would.  ‘I am going to be fine Niles.  I have done very well on my own for years.  I love that you are around, but I will be okay when you are not.’

‘You say that, but have you had a week as intense as this before because I haven’t.’

I hadn’t, but I thought this was what other people did.  People who were likeable.

Niles continued.  ‘I am going to spiral.  I am going to need help, and I have it.  I have my folks, my sister, my therapist.’

‘You’ve got me.’ I told him, and I felt a bit put out that I had to remind him.

‘We’ll talk then?’

‘We’d better.’ I told him.  ‘Ring me in the middle of the night here if you have to.  Chances are I will be awake’.

On day 8, when he finally said goodbye that Wednesday morning, I was fine.  I dressed and went to work as normal.  Even got through the day.  It wasn’t until I walked into my empty flat, with no food cooking, no energy, no Niles, my heart sank and then my text notification went off.  

‘Just landed’ it read, and that was it.  He was in New York again, and I was here.  He was right, I did spiral and sobbed.  Then an hour later, I ordered a pizza, and watched TV because it was okay to miss him.  It was more than okay.  I could miss him, but he was still around.  I could speak to him any time.  I would speak to him soon.  I was lucky because I was sick of missing people I would never get to speak to again.  

Tomorrow was going to be a new day.  All I had to worry about was the enormity of my new role, the enormity of my second job, getting used to living in a new apartment, start to find my way around Reading, and deal with missing a man I thought eight days ago, I would never see again.   It was all so exciting.  Did I say exciting?  I meant terrifying.