S3 Ep 18 - Back to the Future

Jess has to say goodbye.

Transcript

Welcome to season 3, episode 18 and the final episode of Excuse the Jess.  Yes, final.  I’ve decided this is it.  Okay, we can never say final.  I may have a kick ass Halloween story to share with you or have more thoughts about Christmas that I never really shared.  Maybe I will finally have a book out and I will read some of it and plead with you to buy it.   For now, though, I think the last few years closed a chapter of my life, and a new one is beginning.  Or began a year ago or began recently.  When do chapters end, and new ones start in real life? I don’t know anymore.  All I do know is this.  My name is Jessica J Garner, and this is my life.

Theme

You left me in a bathroom at Niles’s parent's house.  I found out that the small, practical wedding that we had agreed was going to be a smallish traditional one complete with an aisle, pastor, flowers, caterers, a photographer and bloody balloons.  I had a choice, leave and not look back or stay and accept that this was my life now.  I just needed a few minutes of peace to make that decision.

Except I was not going to be left alone.  Within a minute, Niles was knocking on the door.

‘Jess, can I come in?’  I watched the door handle being pulled down.

I was relieved that I had the good sense to lock the door.  ‘No, we’re not supposed to see each other, apparently.’

‘We need to talk’, Niles said.

‘No point.  You’ll just do what you want anyway.’

‘I know this is a bit more than we agreed, but it’s our wedding. It’s a special day.’

Well it was turning into a special day.  Not quite the special one Niles was expecting though.  I wasn’t being mean about this.  When Niles got married before, there were 200 hundred people there in one of the more exclusive hotels in the city.  They also had a carriage ride in Central Park and 20 flipping white doves were released.  They showed the world that they were young and in love.  It cost over a hundred thousand dollars and guess what? They still separated within ten years.  It was all utterly pointless. Niles already had a big white wedding, I wasn’t taking that away from him.  Instead, he was taking my right to a small but lovely day without the traditions.  

I hadn’t replied to him.  I was thinking it all over.  Nobody was putting my wants and needs first, so it was up to me to do it.  Nobody was making me feel special.

Niles knocked again.  ‘Please don’t quiet on me, Jess.’

All that counselling where we agreed we would talk to each other. Talking is not the same as communicating.  

There was gentle tapping on the door.

‘What do you want? I snapped.

There was a long pause before he spoke.

‘I want to stand in front of the people I love and tell them that I love you.  I want to be married and be with you forever.’

I know what you’re thinking aww.  Honestly, if I was writing this in a book. I would be opening the bathroom door and we would kiss passionately, and the next scene would have violinists as the couple looked into each other’s eyes and said I do.  But the reality was there were no violins.  There was a harp.  Didn’t I mention that before? There was a harp down there too.  I don’t even like harp music.  At a push, I would probably say I hate it.  

So what did I want?  There was no one asking me that question.  Not even the man who was standing behind the door professing to love me.

I wanted to write.  Hadn’t I started that journey three years ago with this podcast and completely abandoned it for a second job which my mother had taken all the money for?  That didn’t even matter because it could’ve been something else just as simple like my roof falling in or needing a major operation and having to pay for it because the NHS is dying.  The second job hadn’t been worth not writing.  I had spent my time with Niles because I was kind of living in a dream on that one too.  Completely smitten, and for what? To end up sitting on a toilet in a spare bedroom in the middle of nowhere wondering what the fuck to do.   Why had I kept attracting people into my life where I did more for them than they did me?  

Niles tapped the door again.  ‘Say something’. 

This was my fault too though because I just wanted someone to put me first occasionally in their life.  It never occurred to me that the only person that should have been doing that was me.

‘Jess, I love you’ Niles finally said.

And I believed him.  Did I love him now?  That was the question.  I thought about him.  The man that took my breath away, made my stomach summersault.  I finally saw him for what he actually was.  Of course, we were a good match, looks-wise, personality-wise, and intelligence-wise.  More than that I realised I did really love him.  So much.  It was just the shine was gone.  I did one big shout-out to the universe.  Nan, if you are around.  I need your help now.  

I desperately looked everywhere around the room but there was nothing, no sign.  I was utterly alone.  Seeing her when I was sick was just a hallucination.  One I have held on to to forgive people who should have been there for me.  I knew I needed new people in my life then and that’s what my hallucination had told me, or I had told myself anyway.  Find new people. I would do that.  It would be a slow process but doable. 

Niles spoke again.  ‘Please talk to me.’

I thought some more.  Yes, I definitely still loved him so that was good.  We also got on well, chatting for flipping Wales most of the time.  We had similar interests and he made me laugh.  This was a good basis for a marriage.  If I stayed with him, I could do all these things. Marriage was still the practical thing to do.  

‘You’d better go,’  I told him.  ‘I need to get ready.’

Music

When it came to getting ready, I told the hair stylist and make-up artist they could do what they like.  I wasn’t going to get precious about it.  This wasn’t me, anyway.

When I saw Niles dressed up as I walked up the aisle on my own, my stomach didn’t do a tiny flip.  I could see him as he was.   He kissed my cheek when I reached the raised platform and told me I looked beautiful.  I thanked him, but it was a lie.

I let the pastor marry us.   He later came up to me and said god would be happy to welcome me into the church.  I told him with a big smile on my face if there really was a god he hated me and I didn’t recognise his authority to welcome me anywhere.  The pastor was a bit taken aback.  I think he was about to tell me it wasn’t true, but I walked away.  Life is too short for pointless conversations.

The photographer kept dancing around me to take pictures and I smiled like an idiot all day.  Honestly, if you saw the pictures, you wouldn’t know I felt.  I just knew I had to get through the day, and then I could begin my new normal.  I asked Izzy and Ems if they knew about the wedding arrangements and they did.  Ems said she knew I would love it. This is what I always wanted, as much as I had denied it.  I looked to Izzy and asked if she thought the same and she said of course.  It was the final curtain, they didn’t know me at all, even after all those years.  There was music, food, and more champagne and everyone there was having the time of their lives.  If it hadn’t been my wedding day, I am sure I would have had a ball too.  It was the special day Niles had hoped for and I was able to give him that.  That wasn’t a bad thing.  

Music

Niles had ordered a car so we could leave earlier than the others.  It was also so they could throw rice and cheer as we got into the car.  Another tradition.  I did my duty.  Went along with it, and Niles and I were finally alone.  Well apart from the driver, the window between us was up, and if he were listening in, he would have been bored stiff.  

‘That was perfect.’ Niles said.  ‘Just a perfect day.’

He kept talking in that fashion for a bit.  Pointing out his favourite bits.  How well it had gone.  I may as well have not been there.

Finally, he addressed me as I was looking out the window.

‘How are you Mrs Garner-Crane?’

‘I am happy you enjoyed it.’ And I was.

‘Are you tired?’, Niles asked.

I nodded.  He lifted his arm, so I snuggled into him, which was good.  We stayed in a peaceful silence all the way into the city.

When we got to his apartment, he started to kiss me, but I wanted to brush my teeth first.  We ended up in his bedroom, where we had our first sex as a married couple.  It was still good, great even.   Without the shine, I still loved it, which was great.  At least that was not going to be an issue.  Then after another visit to the bathroom, Niles slid into bed, I laid my head on his chest, nestled my head in his chin and he put his arm around me.  I fell asleep immediately.

We didn’t go straight to a honeymoon.  Which was handy for me.  We, or rather I, couldn’t leave the country anyway because of my immigration status so Niles said we should make a trip around Europe when it was all settled, which would be a way in the future.  No, I didn’t point out that I was European and had lived in Europe my whole life.  It was still good.  I always thought married life wouldn’t suit me, but I had been wrong about that.  It felt comfortable.  Like wearing that old T-shirt that had seen better days, but it just feels right.  I started writing again.  I had left my main protagonist caught in a rainstorm for months now, she needed to dry off and come inside.  

Music

I don’t think Niles noticed any change in me until the wedding pictures were sent to us a couple of weeks later.  I had just finished a writing sprint when he proudly announced that they were ready to view.  

‘Any good?’, I asked

He said he was waiting for me to view them.  I shrugged and said he could’ve looked.

‘Aren’t you excited?’

‘About looking at pictures.  Not particularly.’

He laughed.  Not a false laugh.  He thought I was joking.  

‘I’ll get wine’, he said.

Minutes later, he had poured two glasses of wine, and had linked his laptop to his 52” TV.  I would be seeing this horror in full widescreen, hi def, 100k horror.  Yes I know 100k isn’t a thing.  It’s called hyperbole.  

I was smart though.  I lifted up Niles’s arm and snugged up into him so he never saw my face and so it began.  There was me having my make-up put on.  Black and white because it was obviously too much in colour.

‘You look beautiful’, Niles lied.  

Then there was one of Amy correcting Niles’s tie.  That one was lovely.

A few more shots of the preparations, the set-up, etc.  And then it was on to the wedding itself.

Me on my own because my father was dead and my stepfather hated me, as I walked up a makeshift aisle.  That one I particularly disliked.  I wouldn’t have worn my hair like that, and the make-up was too heavy for me, the dress just looked average, and the bride was dead inside. It was a Kodak moment for sure.

Honestly, the photographs were beautiful.  Very well done, and aesthetically pleasing. For me though it just felt like when you see pictures of people you don’t know.  It can look good, but there are no feelings on your side.  One Niles particularly liked.  He said we should get it blown up and put on the wall.  I said I wouldn’t like that, so it’ll probably be staring down at me for the rest of my life.  When we saw them all, I got up and asked Niles what he was thinking about having for food.

‘You don’t seem excited Jess?’

‘About dinner?’

‘About our wedding day.’

‘I know, I was there.’  

‘Didn’t you like them?’

‘The photographs?  Yes, they were very well done.’

I took myself away from under Niles’s arm.   ‘Now I was thinking of ordering in.’

I got up and picked up my phone to order.

Niles followed me.  ‘Aren’t you happy?  Being married?’

I looked at him very seriously.  ‘Yes.  I love being married to you. Aren’t you?’

His face broke into his big smile.  The one I used to obsess about making him do.

‘I love being married to you too.’

‘Good.  Chinese or pizza?’  I said holding up my phone.

He ignored it.  ‘Will you come with me tomorrow to see Doctor House?’

‘Is this what married life is going to be like?  Every time I’m not excited by stuff, page Doctor House.’

‘Will you?’

Music

It was like Groundhog Day at Doctor House.  Niles and I sat in that stupid waiting room.  This time together albeit, waiting for the grey man to come out of his office and allow us to grace him with his presence.  I took Niles’s hand.  

‘Do you really want me to be honest in there?’

He nodded.  ‘It doesn’t work unless we’re honest.’

When we were called in, I sat on the end of the settee as I always did, but this time Niles sat next to me.

Doctor House looked at us both.

‘You’re married now’, and we both nodded.

‘And how is that?’

Niles and I both said positive things about it.

House turned his gaze to me.

‘And Jessica, you’ve never been married before.  Is this what you expected?’

‘It’s better, I thought it would be the same but with a marriage licence, but I feel like everything’s changed.’

‘So why are you here then?’

I looked to Niles. I wasn’t entirely sure myself.

‘I think Jess still has issues with her appearance.  We had the wedding pictures yesterday, and she wouldn’t engage with them.’

I remember thinking way not to take responsibility, Niles.  Utterly fucking clueless.

‘Did you not like the pictures, Jessica?’, House asked.

I shook my head.  I remember thinking, ask the right questions, and you will get the right answers.  I am not at any point revealing the problem of my own accord.  Niles was still living in the rose-coloured lens world of it all being fantastic, I was not purposely going to take that away from him but, of course, I was.

‘Did you not like the way you looked in the pictures, Jessica?’

It was tough because I didn’t see myself in those pictures.  Not the way I looked or the way I felt.  To simplify it, I said.

‘I didn’t really care for it.’

Niles took a deep sigh.  ‘I paid for professionals to come in and do her hair and make-up so she didn’t feel that way.’

House looked to me to respond. ‘I didn’t know they would be there, so had nothing prepared for them, so let them do what they wanted.’

House nodded.  ‘And what did you want Jessica?’  Finally, someone asked what I wanted.

‘I was going to put loose curls in my hair and wear light make-up.’  I didn’t say that I had even practised it a few times to get what I wanted.

Niles snapped.  ‘You could have told them to do that.’

‘And I could have done it myself.’ 

Niles took my hand.  “I’m sorry, you’re right, I should’ve had you talk to them before the wedding to sort it.’

Or I could have done it myself, I thought, but I nodded and looked back to Doctor House while taking back my hand.

He looked at me intensely, and I started to feel uncomfortable.

‘Jessica’, he finally said. ‘Did you enjoy your wedding?’  That was the first time anyone asked me.  Not my husband and not my former friends.  I wasn’t sure if I could answer, though so took a second to gather my thoughts.

Niles jumped in.  ‘It was a perfect day.’

House didn’t take his eyes off me.  ‘Was it a perfect day Jessica?’

And that was easier to answer.

‘Not for me.’

Niles moved away from me on the settee so he could see my face.

‘You said you were excited.’ 

‘I was, I was so excited leading up to it.  The morning of the wedding I was giddy but when I got to the house and I realised what was happening, I wasn’t.’

‘But you didn’t say.’

I directed my answer straight to Doctor House.  ‘Niles knew.  He knew what I had asked for, and he knew what he’d arranged.  I told his sister I was unhappy, she told him.  He knew there was a problem when I locked myself in the bathroom.’

Niles now directed himself to House. ‘I knew then, but she made the decision to marry me.’

House started writing in his notebook again.  It wasn’t bothering me today.  I was starting to like him.  Finally, House looked up.

‘Perhaps Jessica you could explain to me what upset you about what he arranged.’

So I did.  Well, everything after the bathroom decision.  It was everything about the day you already know.  The aisle, the pastor, others being there, the flowers, the archway, the photographer, the harpist, the flowers.  Actually, the flowers were pretty nice, that I could deal with.  I wasn’t keen on holding a bunch of them but still.  The caterers too.  It wouldn’t have been fair on Niles’s parents to cook.  I should have realised that at the time.  I won’t go into all the details again.  Not that it even upsets me.  I haven’t cried once since it happened.  Niles was extremely quiet.  Not that I looked at him.  House had asked me the question and House got the answer.  If Niles had asked me any of the questions before or since, he would have got the same answer.

When I finished, House stayed on me.  ‘But you knew all this before you made the decision to marry him that day?  Why did you go through with it.’

‘Because it was still the practical thing to do.  I still loved him.  Not in the stupid way I had before this, needing his attention, stomach doing summersaults type thing but I loved him.  Enough for him to have his day.  Enough to spend the rest of my life with him.  And honestly, I am happier now that the honeymoon period is over anyway.  I feel more settled.’

House nodded.  He looked over at Niles, and only now I dared look.  He was sat on the edge of the settee with his head in his hands.

‘And how do you feel about this Niles?’

Niles stayed still.  I did the most natural thing.  I sat up too, and put my hand on his shoulder.  He started to sob, his shoulders heaved, and these howling noises left his body.  I was shocked.  Hadn’t I just said I loved him anyway?

I looked at Doctor House as if to say, do something, but he just stared.

‘What’s wrong?’ I asked.

He lifted his head up.  His eyes were bright red.  He had been crying a while then.  I reached over for some tissues and handed them to him.

‘I’ve killed us.’  He finally said through his heaving.

‘You haven’t’.  I reassured him.  ‘I love you.  We’re married.’

‘The honeymoon period is not over for me.’

‘Hey, you always were a little behind me.  I fancied you first, fell in love first, soon you’ll be where I am.  It’s all good.’

He started to cry more so I put my arm around him and laid my head on his shoulder.  

Music

Niles was quiet that evening.  He cleaned the kitchen, which was daft because the cleaner was coming in the next day to do it.  It wasn’t even dirty.  I suggested he’d see Doctor House again this week because if he was upset it was all his doing and I wasn’t going to put up with a marriage like that.  I was working with my own therapist.  I had work to do on myself.  That was going well.  Now I had the insight into why people tended to like or rather, use me, I could work on how I could make that work for me.  I think I was still numb from it all.  How betrayed I was by people, how people didn’t know me at all.  I had discussed with her that I was no longer in contact with Ems and Izzy.  They had sent me emails when they got home thanking me for their holiday.  They even had pictures which I didn’t look at.  I just didn’t reply and blocked them.  I was effectively ghosting them, which isn’t pleasant, but I tried to tell them before it wasn’t working, and they just found ways to come back into my life.  No more.  Maybe they will listen to this podcast and realise.  Or probably not.  I had put out podcasts on Halloween and Christmas, and I am not sure anyone in my life heard them.  No one mentioned it.  The thing is, I don’t particularly think they are the best, not even the best that I have put out, but I still did it.  I still tried to put something out into the world.  I know 100% if it was any one of them, I would have listened and found something nice to say about it.  It’s not like you have to give podcasts 100% of your attention.  BOO!  See, you may have drifted off then.  It’s fine.  My mother also had the audacity to email.  She too was blocked, and her email was deleted without being read.

My therapist and I have talked in great detail about not expecting anything from anyone, and being my own best friend.  My own hero.  If people like you, good.  If they don’t, move on.  Being constantly disappointed that people don’t listen or don’t do for you as you do for them is a one-way ticket to heartbreak.   I know that I am in the difficult second act of my life but she was right.  I have always made myself feel small for other people. That has to stop.  This will cause a problem for some, but if it does, as the late great Logan Roy said, fuck off, just fuck off.

Music

The day after seeing Doctor House, Niles announced he was going back to work, and I agreed it was for the best.  We had to restart real life at some stage.  I asked if there was any news on when I could work again, and he said there wasn’t.  I was going to work on my book anyway. I had done some digging on my own and the marriage route to immigration was really slow.  Something Niles neglected to mention when he said this was the best route.  I wouldn’t be working for a long time.  This is how successful people get what they want.  He was a great mentor.  I did confront him and Niles told me I needed a break, I had had such a tough time, a tough life in some ways.  From day one I had been anticipating his needs, he was doing that for me.  Yes, he was comparing a Starbucks and sandwich with me not working for maybe two years.  In a way, it’s taught me how much I like working.  How much I want to work.

Niles suggested that I could go out with Amy when he was back in work but I said I wouldn’t.

‘Do you hate Amy?’, he asked

I smiled.  ‘Absolutely not,. She is the best big sister anyone could ask for, and I love her for that, for you.’

‘You’ll be friends?’, Niles asked.

I shook my head.  ‘She’s my sister in law.  We’ll be friendly. Definitely.’

Niles's face dropped.  He really wasn’t happy with the way things were turning out, but I couldn’t help him with that.  It is what it is.  The veil had been lifted. 

A couple of days after that, Amy asked to see me.  We met for coffee in a little shop off Central Park.  After some small talk, Amy said quietly.

‘I feel I should apologise to you’.

‘For what?’, I asked.  I sipped my decaf coffee and really wanted caffeine.  Maybe I would treat myself after this.

‘For the wedding.  I should have told you what was happening.’

I spied a woman walking past the window in this gorgeous red top and thought, I want one.

‘Why?’

Of course, I wasn’t making it easy for her.  That’s what I did, not what I do anymore.

‘Because it wasn’t fair having all that put upon you.’

‘What put upon me.’

Amy let out a big sigh.

‘For fuck’s sake Jess.  I am trying to apologise here.’

I smiled at her.  ‘I don’t understand.  Are you apologising because you didn’t tell me what was happening or because you knew I wouldn’t like what he had done?’

She paused and looked around, obviously trying to articulate her reply.

‘Both’ She finally said.

That was fair.  She did know I would hate it and she was being honest about it.  I felt warmer towards her.

‘But you did what you did because you’re a good big sister. To give him the day he wanted.’

She didn’t look at me, she was vigorously stirring her coffee.  A nod was a way of an answer.

‘Then I accept your apology.’

Amy looked up at me and grinned.  The one she shared with Niles.  I carried on talking.

‘You do know how much I love Niles’

She nodded vigorously.

‘I love him more than I have loved anyone in my whole life.  I mean I was married to him by a pastor. That’s how much I love him.’

Amy carried on nodding.

‘So I get it.  I know you’ll always have Niles’s best interests at heart.’

She stopped dead for a second.

‘I’m glad we’ve cleared the air. Now we’re family.’

Amy looked confused.  I don’t know anything about what I said was confusing.

‘It was lovely to see you, but I have to get back to Niles as he is starting work again soon and we need to make the most of this time’.

Amy nodded.  So I left the disgusting coffee and Amy in the coffee shop and stepped out into the sunshine.

Music

I know what you’re thinking.  Surely not everyone there didn’t realise what was going on the day of the wedding and you would be right.  There was one person who was painfully aware and it had upset her.  That was Niles’s daughter Rose.

I had told her that I would like her to photograph the day.  She has this amazing eye for detail, and had shown me pictures she has taken before.  It wasn’t nepotism.  I was genuinely excited to see what she would do.  I had told Niles and he agreed it would be lovely.  Rose was staying with her grandparents and father the day before the wedding and was still excited for the day.  It wasn’t until the photographer had turned up at the house the day before that she demanded to know what he was doing there and Niles had told her.  She said she was the photographer and he told her yes, she would be the photographer but not the official one.  She could still take pictures.  Initially, she thought I had arranged it.  I lied to her about what was happening and said she was ringing me.  It was only then that Niles admitted that I didn’t know anything about it.  Then there were people bringing in all the wedding stuff and Rose had told Niles that I would hate all this and to stop it. Niles said Jess would like it when it happened, and they had a blazing row.

Niles admitted later that he just thought she was sour that he had brought in a photographer not that Rose was upset because he wasn’t listening to her.  Rose also didn’t want to ruin her father’s day so I didn’t know anything about it until much later.  Rose and I had a long conversation about it.  She asked if she could show me a pictures he loved but may upset me.  It was a stunning picture, better than any that so-called official photographer had done.  She had managed, which must have only been a split-second look on my face. I looked how I felt.  Completely numb.  Other people were surrounding me, smiling and having fun.  I thanked her so much for capturing my day.  Rose is an artist, and she is going to be persuaded to do other things.  Please do what’s right for you Rose and remember I will always have your back.

Music

Although the start of our marriage took some adjusting.  Months later, I can confirm things are pretty good.  We ended up having a honeymoon by chance in July.  I told Niles I was going to Boston, Philadelphia, and Washington as they are places I had always wanted to visit.  I would drive.  He asked if it was to get away from him.  It wasn’t, I just assumed he wouldn’t want to go.  He didn’t.  He just didn’t want me to go without him.  I did all the planning so there were no surprises and he drove.  

On the first night of the holiday, we were in a restaurant and Niles was telling me a long story about something he did at college.  It was hard sometimes to reconcile young Niles with old Niles.  When he finished, I looked at him seriously and said.

‘Wow that was dull’.

He looked shocked, then crestfallen.  I had just been laughing and asking questions during the story, but I raised my eyebrows and the penny dropped.

‘It was having to look at your face while telling it.’

And it really made me laugh.

We didn’t stay long at the restaurant.  

Then he made these really cheesy playlists for the drives and we both sang along.  He can’t sing either.  It was an amazing two weeks and got things started properly.  

I did sign a prenup before we married.  I was happy to.  It’s not like I will be poor if anything happens either.  Money, or rather our difference in wealth, has not been an issue in marriage.  He knows that was never the attraction for me.  Also, I know that he is not a snob about it.  He spent time in those apartments in Cardiff and Reading for me.  In Reading that bed was particularly uncomfortable and he didn’t complain once.  His, I mean our bed now, is luxury.  It sounds like he is super rich and he’s not.  There’s no charting a private jet or going to Rome for lunch.  I am not saying what his wealth level is though.

Also, I think I may have confused my comfort in the aftermath of the wedding about marriage.  I am not sure it is now.  I am just not living with a low level of anxiety anymore.  I sleep well.  I am not jumping from one worry to the next.  This is partly due to the security of marriage and money, of course, but it’s finally feeling in some control of my life.  My belief in myself is not how I am reflected back by people.  Even Niles.  I am far more confident in myself and my abilities.  I love Niles to pieces but instead of feeling that he will come to his senses, I feel like he would be out of his mind to leave me.   I would survive it though.

Although I have been missing work, I have been proactive.  I started contacting accomplished woman who have achieved a great deal in the workplace and offering to take them out for a coffee.  It’s surprising how many responded and have been inspiring.  I just wanted to pick their brains, not about anything else.  I’ve learned people can enjoy being helpful or maybe they just like to talk about themselves.  Why can’t it be both? 

Niles and I  haven’t decided where we are moving to when Rose leaves to go to university.  There are things I love about America.  There’s also things I hate though, like just tell me how much something costs, don’t put a price up then add tax, a service charge, and randomly pick a number you first thought of.  Also, here’s a novel idea service industry.  Pay your staff! In the UK, if the service is shit, you do not tip.  It can be dreadful here but you still got to tip.   Don’t get me started on paying for health care.  Although, what’s so great about the UK at the moment?  Everyone on strike because of terrible pay and work conditions, just so the rich can get richer, schools closed because buildings can fall down at any minute, and health care, what the fuck happened to that?  The chances are though we will stay in the US, he’s promised me a library like his parents.  It may just be worth hanging around for.

Music

One evening Niles sat beside me and asked me to describe our wedding and how I saw it prior to it happening. I said I had already, but he insisted.   I told him that we would have got ready together, chatting, drinking, laughing, and excited about what we were about to do.  Then we would have gone into the garden, and the celebrant would have asked his parents, sister, and daughter to gather around us.  No chairs, no formality, no raised standing, and everyone is on the same level.  Then the celebrant would have asked us to say a few words to each other.  I would have told him that he was the kindest, loveliest, funniest and super-hot man that I have ever met and that I was beyond excited that he had chosen me to be his life partner.  I had even planned it.  Then he would have said, something like as soon as I went to Wales, I knew I needed to find me a Welsh woman because the Welsh are fucking awesome and he laughed.  Then we would have drunk some champagne and ate pizza and we would have laughed a lot.  Rose would have taken so many pictures and we would have been like Rose, that’s enough and we’d have to find a neighbour or got one of those selfie sticks to make sure there were pictures of us all.  Those pictures would have made everyone sick because we were surrounded by so much love.   After we could have drunk no more, we would have come back to the apartment and told each other that was just the nicest day we could have had.  Then I would have said you’re hot and you would have told me I was gorgeous and we would have fallen asleep in each other’s arms.  Happy and content to start our new life together.  

Niles started to tear up.

‘That would have been perfect.’ He said.

I nodded.  ‘It would’ve.’

Music

I am at the end then.  Of course, this is not the end because my life goes on but leaving it here means it’s a happy ending for me.  I am content.  The last time I cried in hurt, was the night before the wedding, and I am no longer an insomniac.   Three years ago, I put out a podcast.  It was rough around the edges, I mean it still is, but I told you a little about my life.  Around a few quotes and lots of stuff about TV.  I was alone and scared after being shut in a house for a year and knew I needed to make a change, but I didn’t know how.  I have returned to that first episode, and I say I want to live in New York.  Here I am.   I’ve changed too.   I know I can deal with anything now.  I wish I realised that twenty years ago but here we are.  Niles is blaming himself for the lack of friendships now with Ems, and Izzy, but that’s not on him.  It’s completely on them.  Ems and Izzy emailed Niles to ask if I am okay and he has told them the truth.  I told Niles I didn’t really care about their replies.  Amy and I are still on friendly terms, but we’ll just never be close like Niles hoped.  Neither will I be going to church at Christmas with his parents.  They are adamant that Niles did the right thing being married by a pastor, but I love them anyway.  

A huge thank you to everyone who got in touch and told me about third man syndrome in relation to feeling my grandmother around me when I was sick.  It’s a situation where people experience an unseen presence to provide or support them through traumatic experiences encouraging them to make one final effort to survive.  It’s fascinating.  Human beings are amazing.  One evening Niles and I went down a deep rabbit hole on this one.  It led to a row of course because he thinks we are spending eternity together and I am saying it’s until the end of one of our natural lives.  Preferably me going first.  He said he is looking forward to telling me I told you so on the other side.  Which is really unfair because there is no way I can tell him that when I am proved right.

Niles is back in work and I am a full time writer.  Writer and podcaster.  Well also a gym goer, and a screenwriting student.  Yep I am taking classes.  Lauren has been over here and we are planning to write together.  My book is also finished and with beta readers for feedback.  It’s probably shit, that’s okay too. Dawn and Rachel are coming over the week before Christmas so I can do all the touristy stuff without Niles.  I also am working on a business to set up when I can work.  Something with Dawn.  

Niles informed me that he wasn’t going to be changing his surname at work or on official documents.  It’s just for us.  I told him the same, which he wasn’t keen on.   I have asked him if he regrets marrying me, and he is adamant that he can’t believe his luck.  Neither can I.  He still craves my attention.   Times have been tough on occasion and I wanted to be in the UK, like when the sky turned orange when New York turned into a massive oven for weeks and finally when you needed a boat to get around.  Sometimes my stomach still flips when I see Niles, but overall he is just the best person I’ve ever met.  We are happy together.  Niles is unhappy with work though, so we are finding a solution together, starting by cutting his hours.  Maybe my new business can be our business or maybe we can find something that he can do that makes him happy.  That’s all I want for him, to be happy.  He’s had such a tough time the last few years, and I want to make life easy for him.  I need him to know that I think he’s special and will do everything to make sure I will keep showing it.   

I am speaking this last bit two days before publication.  I wanted to record this when the episodes had gone out.  There was a delay in giving you part two too because Niles wasn’t ready for it to go out.  I listened back to them myself too and some of it was tough to hear.  Not just because of my voice.  I was so low at times but also happy, miserable, and so scared of the future, but wanted to hit it head-on.   I still do.

A massive thank you for listening.  You were there when no one else was, and I will always be grateful.  I will leave you with a quote from, nah!  No quote.  All I want to say is my name is Jessica J Garner.  Thank you for being part of my life.