Today I am discussing the ol' "not good enough" thought !
In this episode I discuss:
Show notes and the transcript can be found here: https://michellekevill.com/goodenough
Today I am discussing the ol' "not good enough" thought !
In this episode I discuss:
Show notes and the transcript can be found here: https://michellekevill.com/goodenough
[00:00:00] Hello, everyone. I hope you are well. And if not, I got you. At least you are here. So today I am talking about what is your flavor of not good enough if that's the title I kept because I may have changed it by the time I released this episode. I have been seeing this thought really consistently with some of my clients, including myself, and I realized that everyone seems to have a different flavor or like treatment, if that makes sense. What I mean is think of like how you talk to yourself, how you act and everything when you are in that state of I'm not good enough. And think of it as if you go to an ice cream store and there's a person there and they're like, Oh, which type of like which flavor of not good enough do you want? Do you want like the highly critical? Do you want the high expectations? I've started to notice some really key themes that I really wanted to address and talk about, because these are going to be really helpful to identify when you're in these states, when you are treating yourself like this. Because when I used to tell myself I wasn't good enough, guess what? I never I couldn't see it. I could not identify how I was treating myself, how I was thinking that I wasn't good enough, because ultimately these were very low level subconscious thoughts. And at the end of the day, who doesn't want to feel like even that your enough you don't you can like let go of this internal race that you were running that you think you were going to finish.
[00:01:48] By doing all these activities, by meeting these arbitrary needs that are actually your own, you can stop. You can let that all go. You can accept who you are and where you're at. And honestly, it is a beautiful place. I saying you stay there forever. No, sometimes I'm like, oh, I'm not good enough. But guess what? I know how to handle it. And I want to share with you a couple of themes, a little bit of tricks to kind of help you recognize and get out of that state. So, as always, I like to give you a little bit of history. And you probably if you're an avid listener, you've probably heard some of this before. Why does this happen? Why are we thinking that we're not good enough? So just a small snippet here around this one. It's a common thought that we've developed because of our and I'm talking about Western society where like I've been exposed to and grown up in, that's what we do. Capitalism, Western society, we compare ourselves in school, in work, etc. We are, you know, gray giving ourselves a grade, representing ourselves and our ability through an arbitrary number. We are always comparing against against something.
[00:03:04] We're also internalizing potentially what our, you know, the high expectations our parents gave us, how they even talked to themselves. There's like these really interesting studies that show how women, when they have talked about their bodies, that has also been passed down to their kids. And not just for women. It's for like other people as well. But again, we're mimicking what they're saying. What type of environment have we been in? And also, has it kept you safe to keep working, keep striving, be in this state of not good enough? Has it kept you safe as a child in the environment that you were in to always keep moving and keep going if you have absolutely no and I mean, this is a criticism of criticism if you have no awareness of. See how where it's not good enough has come from. I do really encourage you to just be a little bit introverted. Ask yourself like, why do I believe that I'm not good enough? Where did this book come from? Look at societal beliefs. Look at what your how your what your parents taught you. Awareness is a really key with all this, and I know it may not sound like it, but having that level of awareness, just kind of knowing where it's stemming from, for me at least, it gave me this sense of like, right, this is where I came from. And this is also something that I can learn to let go of, because at the end of the day, yes, like these are just thoughts that you have repeated over and over in your head.
[00:04:46] You have internalized and just kept in and now you're just regurgitating it now into the real world. It's like a little defense mechanism. A good example, if you had high expectations at your home and if you were potentially like shamed or told off or not meeting really high marks, say, at school, then what's going to happen? You're going to internalize that and you're going to use that now in your everyday life. It's what you were kind of taught and it's been repeated and it's a pattern. Again, this isn't to do a whole Oh my God, my upbringing and stuff like that. It's to recognize this is a pattern that I have been practicing and this is a pattern that I can also unlearn as well. But what is really interesting is I've started noticing these themes of not good enough. And I guess it would be like, yeah, like how you treat yourself like the type of ice cream you want to take. Do you want to be really critical of yourself? Do you want to look at everyone else's achievements? And I want to discuss that a little bit with you of whether maybe you see this flavor or theme of that not good enough. It's really just like showing up.
[00:06:03] It's the same thought, just showing up as a different like flavor or something else or a different treatment. And it's good to be aware of because sometimes we're in this state, we don't even know that we're talking to ourselves like this. And just to see it, that's going to give you the knowledge, the awareness, so that you can start to change it. So what I see like really four key themes. The first one is really being really critical and it's different to achieving high expectations because that's the second one and I'll go through that in a minute. It is just like this extreme critical, like a think of a critique of a restaurant. Right. You know, sometimes I don't know why I'm thinking of this. I'm thinking of like movies that I've seen, and they have, like, a restaurant and they get, like, a really, really bad review because of, like, a bad critic. Right? Think of that. But on yourself all the time, like there is just this food critic, like your your your chef in the kitchen. Right? You're doing the best you can. And this person keeps coming. And every time they're there, you're like, God damn it. Like, why are you here? You get a little bit stressed and you work really hard and you make this amazing dish. Doesn't matter what you do. It is constant, really harsh and hard. Critical ness of critical ness.
[00:07:26] Is that even a word, you know, being really critical of you? I don't know why I keep saying critical, but that for me especially, that is a word that I would use. I was just my biggest critic, like instead of biggest supporter. It's like the most non supportive person on the planet. It's like, I don't not like this person. It's just being super harsh on every single thing you are doing. You could be relaxing and it's you should be working. This is just like a minor example. You could have tried something completely new for your first time, like a recipe. And it's just complete criticism. And it gets down to not just separate actions, but the root of who you are at your core. You. It's being critical of you, like your mannerisms, who you are as a person, how you act. It may change that critically, like they call it in a critic. That may change how you act as well. Next thing I see is what I like to call compare and despair. Different to the critic. Like, all of these are interchangeable. But again, I'm just going through these themes here. This is where it's I see it as being almost achievement based. You are just never happy with what you have. You will look at everything, all your achievements, and you do not think it's enough. You will have done all these things, but you're very likely a very high achiever.
[00:09:04] You know, you have all these good things, but you are just comparing it to everyone else and despairing. You are always going the next step. You're looking at the next bar. It's like you've gone up all these rungs, all these ladders, and you're just like, No, I need to get all the way up there. And it's so far and I'm just, you know, I'm so crap and it's so bad and I still need to get there and you'll get there and you won't be happy. Does it matter what stage of your life you are in? You are just not happy with your achievements. You potentially brush them off as well. You potentially do not like getting good feedback. It probably makes you feel very uncomfortable when you get like really good praise and stuff like that. It feels a little bit icky. I know it did for me and I just, you know, brush it off. Not not sitting in basking in that glow off. Oh, my God. Yes. Like I achieved this awesome thing and it's great. It's just like, okay, that's cool. Moving on to the next thing and the and the things I need to work on and improve. And the problem with being in the state all the time is you can actually get very angry at yourself. And I give a very good example of how me and my partner, we millennials, we we bought our own first home together and my brain a couple of days later was like, Yeah, but it doesn't count because you don't own it yet outright.
[00:10:19] I was like, What? Was like, Are you so angry at myself? I was like, I can't. How can I keep being like this? Am I going to do this my whole life until my deathbed? My just going to keep comparing myself to everyone else and be despairing and never be happy with anything that I do. My always going like again, linked in with the critique, criticise myself, but not just criticise me for who I am, but criticise my achievements as well. It gets to a point where it's extremely draining and then can also lead to a next theme that I see, which is I'm just going to call it the almost like depressed state. What I mean by that is it's not just the achievements that aren't good enough, but everything around you is not good enough. It's almost like things are out of your control and the environment that you're in is not enough. So it's kind of like a little bit of a defense mechanism. What I mean by that is if you don't think you have any control over something, then you can't do anything about it. All you can do is complain and be upset about it and just sit there being like like, I hate my house like this.
[00:11:37] This area sucks. Like everything around me is terrible. My work is terrible. Like, nothing is going like nothing is like my this is different. It's like my environment isn't good enough. And you get into this kind of, like, lethargic, kind of just like, I'm over it. I'm out, like, apathetic. That's the word I was looking for. You get into this very apathetic state. And I actually feel like it's more of a stage that you get to after being critical and comparing outside stuff, you've done internal stuff, you just kind of look at everything and you're just like, Well, nothing's enough. Is it then kind of a bit of nihilism here. And I'm not saying this to shame you or negate how you're feeling. You were totally allowed within your right to be upset with whatever is going on around you, to be upset with change or things that are happening, that it's totally fine. But it's to know when you when your brain gets the better of you, when your brain is like, you know what? Fuck this, I hate this thing, I hate this thing, I hate this thing. Everything around me isn't good enough. And it's recognizing when we're in that state because we're going to be able to move through it a lot better and process that. And then the fourth state I see, which is a little bit linked to achievement based, but I wanted to go in it in more detail because I say it all the time and something very key to not good enough is just high, high expectations.
[00:13:01] You set yourself high expectations. But here's the thing you're one likely setting yourself consistent, high expectations that you can never meet so that you can keep yourself in a state of not good enough. Why am I ask? It's a bloody pattern. It's a pattern that you have learnt potentially. You were given these high expectations, you didn't meet them or meet your parents or whoever thought you weren't meeting them. And then it's that whole feeling of not good enough and it is a safe pattern. It's, it's, it's safety there. So you will consistently put on high expectations, not meet them, then shout at yourself being like, I'm not good enough, I am shit, you are crap. And you go through that little cycle, you can kind of get a little bit of a like a little bit addictive. And I know it sounds crazy like why would anyone do that to themselves? Brain's like patterns. It likes to know. It likes to know what it knows. If it's been in an environment, especially when we're younger and this is the environment we grew up in, it will take that thinking, that mindset, those thoughts, those thought patterns, and it will bring them with us into the everyday world. I guess you can say, like outside our family, into society.
[00:14:18] The problem is over time it's very draining and it doesn't always work like. Thinking not you're not good enough. Not only is it just terrible, but it is actually holding you back. If you think that you are the most amazing, awesome, great, fantastic person, you are going to go out and do amazing things. This is different from being like overzealous or narcissistic and, you know, being kind of show offy. People always worry, am I going to be a show off? You're not going to be a show off, right? This is coming from a place of true belief of yes, I have really strong key abilities in some things. And in some areas they're a little bit different. Like, I hate baking and gardening. I do not like doing that. I burn my schnitzel. That's just. Okay, that's fine. That's fine. I'm really fucking good at life coaching. I'm a really great analyst and it's from that that you're going to produce better work. Now you might say to me, Michelle, hang on a minute. Isn't that a little bit like again, are you a really great analyst? A little bit. Show a your a life coach. Okay, hear me out here. And I've said this before. Do you go to a surgeon? Right, getting brain surgery and you say, oh, you know, how like how good are you? Would you feel any confidence if in that surgeon, if they weren't confident in themselves, if they said to themselves, ooh, I might be like, I think I am like, I'm OC No, you're going to be like, I don't want you to do brain surgery on me.
[00:15:57] That's going to freak you out as well. And they could very well be a very good brain surgeon. But because of that lack of belief that they have in themselves that's holding them back, that thought pattern is literally holding them down. When you believe you are good enough from a wholesome place of like love for yourself, it comes out completely differently. It comes out as you just value you as if you do. Other people you see. I bet you see the beauty in others. I bet you can see the valuable traits and you really believe in them, but you can't see it for yourself. And you just. So sometimes you might look at a person and say, oh, if they believed in themselves like they could do so many things. It's the same with you. If you believe in yourself, you could do a lot of things. So what do you need to do? Well, the firstly, these key themes I need you to start recognizing when you're in these things. Just write out what you're thinking and just label it. It's like, okay, I'm being really critical. What am I being critical about? Well, I'm saying that I'm like and it could be around anything, right? It could be like I'm saying that I'm really fat or I'm really ugly and stuff like that.
[00:17:05] What's the flavor that you tend to fall into? What is this? What is the flavor of the day? What is the value, the flavor of not good enough that you're going with? Start to notice those and just start to write down. You have to write it down. You can just put it in your phone. It takes 2 seconds on your notepad. What thoughts are you thinking? Really key. And I always mentioned this in every episode you need to write these thoughts out and start asking why. Really get to those root thoughts. What is the root? Thoughts surrounding this. Where is this not good enough potentially coming from? What have you potentially experienced? What thought pattern has been popping up for you that you need to now put a pause on and take a look at and reassess and come up with something else? Finally, the best really key way to get through this not good enough is to notice and redirect. And it sounds so simple. You need to notice when you're in these patterns and you'll get better at doing it. The more you do it, just notice when you're in it, just be like, Oh, okay, I'm being really critical of my body or something like that. And then just politely redirect yourself. Do not think of it like as a toddler, right? The toddler is Oh, you probably do this with a toddler.
[00:18:27] But imagine a toddler is playing with a knife and you just recognize it now. You typically you'd go up to the toilet and like rip the knife out of it and be like, Don't play with that. That's extremely dangerous. We do that in our mind to ourselves. We kind of shame ourselves, I find. And it's kind of like this, like it's like breaking really hard on a car on our brain. And it's just it's very harsh. It's like criticizing the criticism. It's just critical criticism. On top of criticism, what I want you to do is maybe use something else instead of a knife. I don't know. It's drawing on the wall. Drawing on your wall. You don't want the kid to draw on your wall, so you politely redirect it. You're like, Hey, I see your drawing on the wall there. Here's some paper and a little kids table and some nice textures. Why don't you come over here and do this? Yay! And like, that's what you do in your brain. Like, oh, I see that you're thinking, like, all these things. Okay, well, I hear you, I. I feel these feelings as well. I feel very ashamed right now. And now I'm just going to redirect the conversation and the thought to something else here is actually brain some evidence that I am good enough because I did ABCD and also because I'm a human and I'm allowed to be fucking good enough like very polite redirection and allow the feeling to be there.
[00:19:48] You got to allow all these emotions to pop up and just notice them and be with them. That's really, really important as part of all this. So these are some key tips that I wanted to share around finding out your theme. I've got not good enough how to recognize them and move on. And this is something that I do intensely when I work with you one on one. This is what we go into and deep dive really quickly in just one session. What is the thought? Where is it coming from and how do you move through it and move forward on it? Obviously, I share this as well. Some of these tips in the podcast, doing it one on one, just fast tracks all of this and I give you the training and that insight and I say this all the time. I teach you how to fish. I'm not giving you the fish. I'm teaching you how to do it so that you can do it for yourself. Get to the next level so that you're able and ready when these thoughts appear to be able to handle it and work through it anyway. That's all for today. I hope this helps. See you later.