Unraveling Family Secrets: Thriving Through Transparency and Openness

Ever felt like you're hiding an elephant in your room? That massive secret only you or a select few know about? It's time to let it out and take a deep breath! Join me, Life Coach Jen, as I unravel and confront these family secrets, drawing from my personal experiences and even lessons from Netflix's hit show, The Crown. Understand why we must shoulder the responsibility of tackling these tough topics with our children, initiating honest and open dialogue.

Moving on, let's navigate through the tricky waters of relationships and the perilous pitfalls of trust shattered by secrets. Discover the dangers of dishonesty, the complexities of divorce situations, and the repercussions of withheld truths. Together, let's question and challenge the reasons behind our secrecy. Finally, we'll address the immense burden of secrets and fears, and I'll share some strategies to conquer these fears. Let's start living a life that's not just surviving, but is thriving, unchained, and connected. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook, and sign up for my emails. Let's embark on this enlightening journey towards a truly 'happily ever after.

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My website is www.lifecoachjen.com

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:10

Hi friends, welcome to Happily. Even After I'm Life Coach Jen, a certified life coach that specializes in relationships. I'm a mom of four awesome kids and one amazing senora, a home decorator, a remodeler, a shopper, a scrabler and a snuggler. I want to help you with your relationships, mainly the relationship you have with yourself and your family and God. Thanks for listening and letting me share the tools I have learned that can help you live happily even after some of life's greatest challenges. Hey, friends, welcome to today's podcast.

Speaker 1: 0:43

So this is another fun topic and I think we can all relate. Have you ever experienced an elephant in your room? And another way you might call this is family secrets, and we all have them and I'm just going to kind of talk about them. Why I believe we need to get the elephants out of our home and out of underneath the rug, why it's not healthy. If you don't understand what I'm talking about, like an elephant in the room, it's a problem or a difficult situation that people do not want to talk about. We avoid. It's almost like I mean it's just a cliche that people are like oh, you know, it's like okay, every family knows, like, I think, every family, and not that it's a bad thing, like there's certain like cars, or like don't step on the stair because it creaks. It's like things every family has or don't. That knob is broken, so don't turn the knob. Like of course we all in a family like, okay, don't, and then the friend comes over and the knob falls off, or they can't start the car because they don't know the trick of how to do it, and so things like that I think all families have.

Speaker 1: 1:56

But there are some secrets that families keep. And then, unfortunately, what happens with secrets? They always come out usually. And so then someone's 20 years old finding out that they were adopted or that they're really not their parents. You know, their mom's sister got pregnant when she was 13 and then couldn't take care of it, so she gave it to the older sister and then that was the mom. And I mean you see how this gets to be a problem and can be very hurtful.

Speaker 1: 2:30

So, really fast, I've been watching the crown and if you haven't watched the crown you need to watch it. So my daughter's in London we started watching it before she went and it's talking about. It starts life like in the 30s with Queen Elizabeth, her father, that when her father died and she became queen and there are a lot of family secrets that they have to keep and it's just very fascinating to see how they deal with this and the pressure and what great lengths they go to and it's you know, it's really sad. I'm only in season two and there's a lot of family secrets and I really admire, like just from watching this, I don't know. I'm pretty sure it's based on a lot of fact. I don't know 100% because I didn't really research about how factual the crown is, but you know, queen Elizabeth is married to Prince Philip and he is not faithful and they capture such some great scenes of when she discovers she finds he's going away for five weeks and she wanted to like, make him a little like care package that you know, with a letter and I love you in his briefcase, and so she's hiding it in his briefcase.

Speaker 1: 3:54

So he's on the airplane, he's going to see it and be like, oh, I love you. And as she's going in the briefcase she finds a picture of another woman who is a professional ballerina, and she doesn't say a word, but just that feeling of, oh my gosh, my husband is having an affair and he's not faithful to me and I just I could relate to that so much because I've been there, I've done that and anyways. So I just thought it was so interesting to watch. And then watch her like this is years later, confront him. She had taken that picture and hid it in a desk in her home in Scotland or something. She has lots of homes and she finally gets the courage to confront him and guess what he does. He totally denies, denies, denies, denies. He gaslights her here she is pregnant with their fourth child and anyways, he does this many times.

Speaker 1: 5:02

But also on the flip side, seeing Prince Philip and his life his dad treated him horribly. His sister died. He goes to the funeral and his dad says this is all your fault, she's dead, I don't love you, you're a horrible person, you need to leave now and he's like 12. So just his life in general. A lot of trauma, if you know about trauma. We've been talking about it a little bit, so I have compassion on both of them. And then she's running a literal country while she's dealing with this and so it just is just so interesting.

Speaker 1: 5:42

But all of this is family secrets. And then her sister, princess Margaret. She's a whole other story, but lots of things, lots of things happen, so it's just a great example a family secret. So we all have them and I know in my own life with my kids, the different secrets that I could never share, which created shame right, and that's why a lot of times we don't share them is because of the shame we feel, and so learning to get rid of that shame and I promise the truth is always the best way to go.

Speaker 1: 6:21

So, being honest, finding that transparency, and obviously lots of things are age appropriate, when is the right time, and probably we think there's never a good time and, oh, I'm protecting them, but those are just lies that you're telling yourself. Right To get away with not having the conversation. And I really believe that our generation, my generation, it is our responsibility. We need to do better for our kids. And the generation below me, like my kids, are so much better at this than I am. I think they're more transparent, more open, more willing to talk about things, but I think it's you're gonna create a closer family bond if you can, and the truth is definitely the way to go, and usually family secrets are things like, you know, someone getting divorced, an extramarital affair, someone getting adopted, someone that was a different religion and now they're another religion, someone that you know, a family member that used to be addicted to drugs and now they're clean and sober, or an alcoholic.

Speaker 1: 7:40

But the thing is, when we talk about those things, we can learn lessons we can understand. Oh, that's why grandpa Bob is like that. Or that's why cousin Joe is like that, that's why uncle Eddie is like that. Okay, that makes sense. Oh, don't drink alcohol, because look at uncle Eddie's life. Oh, okay, that might just give more context, right, if there's been sexual abuse I recently had my friend Ashleon who was sexually abused by her father that could become a huge family secret, right, but it is unhelpful and is very harmful to the child that that happened to. So all these things are rooted in shame and they're usually about taboo subjects or things we don't talk about, but it isn't helpful and they can be really destructive. So of course we all have secrets, right, we don't need to go air all of our dirty laundry to everyone, but, especially in a marriage, when we get married, we need to have those open, honest conversations.

Speaker 1: 8:48

Do you know how many women that I've talked to that their husbands are addicted to porn the day they get married and they aren't just like, oh. I look at it every now and again it's like, oh no, I'm full on addiction and I've had this addiction since I was 12. That would have been good to know. And it's not that they didn't want to marry that person still. But it is good, hey, this is what we're getting into, this is what I'm bringing to our marriage. But a lot of those men, from what I've learned and studied, is like, oh no, now that I can have sex or that I am having sex with my wife, I'm going to stop licking up porn. They're missing why they're licking up porn in the first place. They're numbing out, they're avoiding their emotions for whatever reason. That's a whole other thing. It has nothing to do with your marriage.

Speaker 1: 9:39

So I think it is important to talk about if you've had an affair and you're getting remarried. I mean, this is the first question If I ever date you and you tell me you've cheated on someone, I'm not going to continue dating you because that's just, it's an automatic no, I'm not doing that again. I've already been married to someone that did that to me and I get. People can change, but it's not fair to me to lie to me and say, oh, I've never done that, and then lie about it and you find out later. That's a secret, that's something that you need to disclose and talk about.

Speaker 1: 10:23

Or debt, I think in the news recently. I mean someone just and he ended up killing this woman. He married her under the guise of I just inherited millions and millions of dollars from my parents who just passed away. Reality is, oh no, he was in debt up to his eyeballs. He married this woman. She found out and so he goes and kills her. So it's a whole mess, right, but because of these secrets we get ourselves in these awful messes.

Speaker 1: 10:55

So it's important to know, like health issues, it's just nice to know, like, hey, I have a heart condition or I have this going on, I have this disease. That's just common courtesy. Okay, I know about it, we can deal with it. But if you hide it and don't disclose it, don't talk about it, it just makes it worse. It feels like a betrayal, it feels like a violation of your relationship, and then you're always gonna be fearful that someone's gonna find out and you're not gonna show up in a very great way, cause you're always gonna feel like you're hiding something you're keeping. That's why I think having an affair is so hurtful. It's like you don't even know if this person, anything they've said, is true to you, because you know they're always on guard, trying to make sure you don't find out what they're really doing, who they really are, what's really going on.

Speaker 1: 12:00

A lot of families have family secrets. It's like half the family knows and then the other half doesn't, or only certain family knows. So pay attention. If that is your family, figure out. Why are you keeping that secret? Now, obviously there are some things that we you know. We have Christmas gifts or birthday gifts we don't share until the birthday, and that's okay. So just pay attention to what really the why behind it. Is it creating shame or harm? No, okay, then we don't need to share it.

Speaker 1: 12:38

One thing that I've noticed is and I've been really trying to help my kids see this I want you to love your father and you can have a conversation with them or you can, you know, go to dinner. Whatever you're doing with them is great. Just don't feel like you have to hide it from me, because, first of all, that creates a weirdness when I have a conversation with them and it's like I'm asking them a question and they either feel like they have to cover or lie to me. It just isn't good. So when you're creating, especially in a divorce situation, be open and honest with your kids about it's okay, like, of course, you have two parents, we still both love you so much, it's okay. But you spend time with them, it's okay, you talk to them. It's not like no one is keeping track. Now there might be some people that are keeping track, but for me personally, I'm not keeping track if you spent five hours with him and now you have to spend five hours with me. So just be careful with that. When you have that dynamic going on, I think it's really important to set the precedent. Have the conversation, and if you don't have the conversation, your kids aren't gonna know and it's just gonna be weird and awkward.

Speaker 1: 13:57

If you have family secrets. Now, of course, you don't have to tell everyone your family secrets, but why aren't you? Are you worried for judgment? Are you protecting someone? What is your reason and motive behind it? Are you worried they're gonna suffer a consequence?

Speaker 1: 14:17

I think a lot of people I mean there are moms out there that their kids have done something terrible, that probably they should be going to court or and then they hide it. So sometimes we have to have consequences in our lives. So pay attention. Why are you keeping the family secret? What is going on? What is what's really actually happening? Is it just because it's a boundary? It's just no one's business, no one's getting hurt by it, nothing's happening, it's just. You know, we didn't want to tell anyone this. Just pay attention to why you're doing that. There's lots of consequences, right? If I mean people find out family secrets and then they disown their family, they're hurt. We never know. So I just think it's always better to be at front.

Speaker 1: 15:09

I know, in my situation with my former spouse having an affair, I thought it was very important my kids should know that. First of all, they're old enough to know that and second of all, I just thought that was helpful. Not everyone agreed with that, and so the thing is they found out anyways on their own, and so then it's like we have to then go back, track and clean up the mess and figure it out, and it creates distrust in my children. Okay, my parents are choosing to lie to me. How does that make them feel? Was I really lying to them If I ask them to tell me the truth. Are they gonna wanna do that? So really it creates a weird dynamic. So I think, as the adult in any situation, the more upfront and more open you can be with your kids, I think the better.

Speaker 1: 16:06

Now do we expect our kids to tell us everything 100%? No, I don't need to tell my kids everything. You're gonna know why you're doing it. Why aren't you telling them? Is it gonna hurt them if they find out and there are sometimes? No, it doesn't even affect them. But there are some things that is gonna hurt. And what I've been learning and really trying to practice is the repair part, because there's lots of things that I didn't show up as the mom I wanted to be in their life and now they're understanding why and what was going on. I'm understanding why I was frozen, I was stuck, I was just surviving because of all the betrayal trauma that I had experienced. So now I'm going and repairing that with them.

Speaker 1: 16:57

So just because your family does have a secret or something gets out, you can always repair that and I promise it is so worth it because as you repair, you build trust again, you build the love, you build the confidence in your children, no matter what age they are. So even if you're listening to this, you're like, okay, my kids are way old or they're too young. It's never too late or too early to repair a relationship, because we all show up many times how we don't want, because we're human, and we lose our patience and we get mad and we think at one time, oh, we can't tell anyone this. And then we realize, oh no, we can tell things, because usually secrets have a way of wiggling their way out. An uncle slips and forgets that oh, no one's supposed to know this. Or they're at a family dinner and someone mentions this and they're like, wait what? So it's gonna come out, and so you might as well hear it, your kids might as well hear it from you, or whoever is holding the secret might as well hear it from you.

Speaker 1: 18:02

Anyways, so look at your life. If you have some elephants that are hiding and, instead of avoiding them, find a way to remove them and I promise you're gonna feel like lighter and less shame in your life and a lot more love and connection. Thanks so much for listening. I'd love to help you. You can follow me on Instagram, email me at hello at lifecoachjenncom, and we can set up a free consult call. Have a great day. If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at lifecoachjennwith1ncom. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at happily even after podcast. Let's work together to create your happily even after.