How to Decide Whether to Stay or Leave After an Affair

Navigating the murky waters after an affair can be daunting. As your personal coach and guide who's been down this road, I'm here to tell you that you're not alone. Drawing from my own experiences, I share insights on one of the most challenging dilemmas – whether to stay or go after an affair. There's no black and white answer – it's a deeply personal decision, influenced by factors such as commitment, children, trust issues, or multiple affairs.

We candidly discuss the possibility of leaving a marriage post-infidelity, the signs you should watch out for, and the importance of prioritizing your emotional wellbeing and compatibility. Setting personal boundaries and not letting others sway your decision is key. Therapy and coaching can offer valuable help during this tumultuous time. Regardless of whether you choose to stay or leave, communication and self-reflection are pivotal. This journey may be difficult, but remember, you CAN survive an affair and emerge a stronger person, ready to embrace life's trials and triumphs. Take this journey with me as we navigate through these complex emotions and decisions.

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My website is www.lifecoachjen.com

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:10

Hi friends, welcome to Happily. Even After I'm Life Coach Jen, a certified life coach that specializes in relationships. I'm a mom of four awesome kids and one amazing senora, a home decorator, a remodeler, a shopper, a scrabler and a snuggler, I want to help you with your relationships, mainly the relationship you have with yourself and your family and God. Thanks for listening and letting me share the tools I have learned that can help you live happily even after some of life's greatest challenges. Hey friends, welcome to today's podcast. So I get asked this question a lot and I myself ask this question so many times throughout my marriage Should I stay or should I go after an affair? And I find it interesting because most people are like, oh, if my husband cheats on me, I'm out. Well, of course, I think we all thought that when we were getting married, first of all, we didn't think our spouse would have an affair. When we got married, that was the furthest thing from our mind at least from my mind it was. I didn't know anyone that had had an affair, I hadn't any experience in that, and so of course it's like, oh yeah, for sure we would get divorced if that happened. But then we start having babies and we have kids and we have assets and we have a house and we're a stay at home mom, like I was. And so many women also sacrifice going to college or finishing their degree to get married and have kids and support their husband through school and medical school and their job, and so it isn't an easy like oh yeah, I'm going to leave. So it is a process and so I just kind of want to go over some points and first I just want to say, like, whether you stay in your marriage or leave your marriage, it's 100% up to you. Most men I mean most, I'm going to just say men, because that was I'm a woman, my husband cheated on me. So I just think most people it's like they have the affair. They're not necessarily having the affair to get out of their marriage. Now, that's not all affairs, that's just some affairs. It's like they're just having the affair, thinking, oh, I can have an affair and stay married, and so that isn't we can't a blanket statement, but so really it's up to you. Now, obviously, your husband could be like I found the love of my life and I'm leaving, and you're like, okay, and I feel so bad when that happens, but it does happen. So if that's you, we just got to work through it and you can survive an affair, I promise. Like it sucks going through it, but you can get out of it and you can become a better person.

Speaker 1: 3:08

It's possible your marriage is better than it was before, but it's also possible that divorce was the best decision ever. So just be open to both thoughts, and I would. If you can, leave your family and friends out of your decision. This isn't their marriage, this is your marriage. What do you want? There's not a right or wrong decision. So just know that if you chose to get divorced, that's okay. If you chose to stay married, that's okay.

Speaker 1: 3:41

And I was thinking, because my parents actually got divorced and then, like five years later, they got remarried. So I think sometimes that happens. I was thinking Matthew McConaughey, I think his parents got divorced and remarried three times. So that's a possibility too. They think like, okay, I got divorced and then a few years later, they think they've made a mistake and they got remarried. So that happens. So like, yes, we think marriage is forever or divorce is forever. But none of those things, they're just thoughts and they're not necessarily true, because they can all be changed. So just really pay attention to what do you want and you don't have to decide right away. It might take you for me, it took me 26 years, so I took a long time to decide this to get divorced. But it might take you one year, it might take you five years. There isn't a timeline on deciding. So Of course, that's probably the more painful route, like maybe you rip the band-aid off if you need to, or it could be like then you go through all this therapy and you create this amazing marriage. So just pay attention Like it is just your decision. You and your spouse are really the only two people that need to be deciding this decision. It's not up to your kids, like if your kids are older, you shouldn't be talking to them Like hey, what do you think Should mom and I get divorced? I mean, that's so much pressure, like it's none of their business. It's the wrong thing to talk to your kids about.

Speaker 1: 5:10

I think five reasons why people want to stay is commitment. For me especially, my religion teaches that marriage is forever and not even like in the eternity after we die, we're still married. So I really was committed to my marriage. Now, looking back, I realize I was committed to my marriage, but my spouse was not committed to my marriage, so we had totally different ideas of what marriage was and I definitely didn't realize that at the time. But I can see it now. So really asking those questions like what is marriage to you and what is marriage to your spouse? And that might help you to either wanna rebuild trust and stay or to go.

Speaker 1: 6:04

Another reason why people stay is the kids, right? I think I for sure probably stayed for the kids and was that the wrong, right decision For me? That's what I did. So but just know, whether you stay married for the kids or get divorced, your kids are gonna have problems, they're gonna have issues, no matter which way you do. Like, there's no perfect marriage and there's no perfect parents, and so whether you stay married or leave your marriage, there's gonna be logistics. Then you have a co-parent, so there is lots of logistics, but I get it. Staying for your kids. If that's why you choose to stay, it's 100% okay to have that for your reason. Like, just know that you've chosen that. Know, like this is why I'm choosing to stay. Is that the ideal reason? I don't know. You get to decide that.

Speaker 1: 7:03

Emotional investment is another one why we wanna stay. We're so emotionally connected to this person. We've invested all this time and energy and we love them, and so it's hard to break away from that and, like I mean, I'm in this, the thought of dating someone else is a lot and so, yeah, you want to just stay because you're like, I already know this person. I know all their irritating things, I know all their great things, and so that could be why you want to stay. You have shared history and memories. I think this is a really big one why people stay in their marriages. Like they know your parents, they know your brothers, they've been in your family. I mean, when I got married, my youngest brother was 12 years old, or maybe 11 years old, and so to us, that was my husband, was his brother, they lived with us, we went on vacations together. There's a lot of time, there are a lot of memories and it feels like when you get divorced, you just kind of walk away from that. It's not true. You can still have all those memories and still know like, okay, we did actually have some good times together, instead of just letting the affair cloud over all the good memories, which is complicated and hard to do, I get. But really you did have memories and history together and so I get that could be why you want to stay, because then you have to meet someone like me in my 50s and now I'm meeting their adult children and who knows what that would be like, and with my own children like, oh, they meet another guy Anyways. So that could be a reason that you want to stay.

Speaker 1: 9:01

Personal growth I think this is a huge one, because five years ago I was getting divorced from my former spouse and we chose to stay married and I think my reasons and his reasons were totally different. Now that I look back, I think he was staying for the kids and I was staying because I was like growing and changing and I really like wanted to make our marriage amazing. And maybe he had a little bit of that too. I don't know, I've never asked him, but my perspective now is like, oh no, he just stayed for the kids because they were so devastated when he left that he just couldn't handle it, and now he thinks they're older, doesn't matter as much, but anyways. So personal growth Like you really could create an amazing marriage, because a lot of us in marriage, especially when we have kids, we, it's just different. We are raising our kids, we're focused on driving and carpool and we're a lot more focused on our kids than our marriage, which is unfortunate, but don't get mad at yourself, that's just what happens to most marriages. And so the personal growth, like you could be, like no, we're going to change and be better and do better, and that's another reason that I think a lot of people want to stay, and there could be a million more. I just I'm going to talk about those five.

Speaker 1: 10:24

So now some reasons why someone might want to leave their marriage after an affair, and the first one I thought of was repeated betrayal. And this was definitely my situation that I was like at the last one, I'm like, okay, I'm out, like how many more affairs do we need to have before I get the picture that this is never going to end? And getting betrayed sex, and so I was like, oh my gosh, like I can't do this anymore. I realize, like I am out, but it took a lot for that to happen, because I was very committed to my marriage. And especially, I'm going to also say if your spouse isn't accountable and isn't remorseful for their affair, it's a huge red flag. It is a huge sign Pay attention to what they're saying, what their actions and their words, if they match or if they don't.

Speaker 1: 11:28

I know women, at least for me I was like, oh, tell me all the reasons why that you should. You know you love me and are going to make this marriage better. And I would just eat that up and listen to it. And then their actions were totally different than their words and so that is a huge sign to look for. So if they've had multiple affairs, that's another red flag and chances are they're not gonna stop, especially if they're not accountable, if they're not sorry, they did it, they're not remorseful, if they're like okay, when are you gonna get over this? Because there is not a timeline of getting over an affair, and not that you need to bring it up all the time. Like you definitely both need tons of support in therapy I wouldn't say marriage therapy at that time, but you need higher coaches. Get therapy, get help, because you need to figure out the why, the person that had the affair, why are they doing this, and then the other person. Figure out how you feel what's going on. And another thing I'm just gonna mention because we as women always think, if I would have been different, this must be my fault and I thought that for years and it basically killed me, right? But it's not your fault, it has nothing to do with you, I promise. So it's easier. Like, eventually you gotta think it, but eventually you have to feel it in your bones. That definitely is not about you. So that takes a lot of coaching, a lot of therapy to get to that point.

Speaker 1: 13:07

Number two is a loss of trust. It is hard to rebuild trust once it's lost and sometimes the other person, the person that had the affair, totally unwilling, totally not willing to do the things that they need to do to build the trust they just don't want to. And when you don't have trust in a marriage, it's basically not a marriage or a relationship. You have to have trust. And so I mean I convinced myself of all sorts of things trying to build trust, like, okay, I just won't look at his phone or I just won't do this. And then when I went inward and decided I'm gonna start trusting myself and pay attention to my gut feeling and what my inner knowing, as soon as I did that, I realized like, oh, I'm not in a trustworthy marriage. This is not a trustworthy situation and then it made it easier for me to leave, but trust is for sure so important.

Speaker 1: 14:12

Number three your emotional wellbeing. Like it's one of the harder I don't know grief. It is a huge form of grief when you think your spouse and I don't even know if it's the sex in the affair Like that's for sure it, but it's the line that is so detrimental, the fact that they looked at you and lied to your face over and over again, and even when you brought it to their attention, and the gaslighting and the manipulation and all the things that they had to do to have that affair. It is a lot. And so be very kind to yourself and, you know, have a lot of compassion, because it's a lot for anyone, and especially when someone your actual husband or wife that was supposed to you know, take care of you no matter what, like if you think about wedding vows and be there and then they totally disregarded any of that and so heal emotionally is so important. But that could be a reason why you're like I can't do this because I don't trust you and you feel emotionally just devastated.

Speaker 1: 15:28

Incompatibility would be another reason, I don't know. I think for me this actually was a big one in another reason for leaving. For sure, his reason. But I think I realized like, oh, actually we don't have the same values, we don't have the same goals, we don't have. I thought we did, but we clearly didn't, and there wasn't any like for him to be different, for me to. I don't want to be like him and he, you know, I didn't want to do the things he wanted me to do and he didn't want to do the things that I wanted him to do. So I guess you could say we were incompatible. So that was definitely a reason for leaving. So, paying attention, but you've got to get to know you have to get really solid in your values, in your what you know inside of you, like your gut, and I think if you've been manipulated, gaslit in a toxic relationship that takes a lot of work and energy on your part to get to that place, that you can even see it or feel it or know it, and so, but do the work, you're totally worth it and you're going to be so grateful you did. But that would be another reason that you could decide, like I'm out.

Speaker 1: 16:52

So the last one that I would consider in leaving your marriage is about personal boundaries, if they are crossing your boundaries. If You've said these are my boundaries and they don't honor them, they're not doing them. But when you make a boundary, you need to commit to that boundary and Honestly, like at the basically the end of my marriage, I said these are my three boundaries, are you willing to do that? And he said no. So right then, and there I was like okay, great, we're getting divorced. And so I finally had gotten so clear and so confident in my boundaries. So I would definitely encourage you to work with a coach, work with a therapist and figuring out okay, what are your boundaries, what are your deal breakers, and Be really committed to them. If you're gonna say these are my boundaries because otherwise you're like well, and then make them realistic, like You'll just know, you'll know what they are, and I think that's really important and that could be a reason, like you know what, they aren't gonna hold my boundaries, and so then I'm out, and so If you're in this situation, first of all, it is your choice, a hundred percent.

Speaker 1: 18:14

So don't let anyone else decide besides you and your spouse if you're going to stay married after an affair or if you're gonna get divorced, you don't have to make the decision. The moment you find out, the moment you find out your husband's cheating on you, you're in shock, you might. I mean, there's so many emotions like don't make the decision during all those high, super high, volatile emotions and take some time to cool off and Make the decision. And there isn't a right or wrong decision. There are many people that get divorced and get remarried. There are many people that stay married for a very long time and then wonder why. So there's not a right or wrong, it's. It is just what you want to decide. Because the thing is they broke the contract already. They already made the decision to break this contract. So it's not you and I know a lot of women. We think we have to have a good reason. You really don't have to have any reason at all, but I gave you some to think about.

Speaker 1: 19:18

So Thanks so much for listening. Um, if I can help you in any way, I would love to. I love to help People because I've been there. I know what the pain is. I know how to help you and what you can do. So Email me at hello, at life coach gen calm, find me on Instagram Just reach out. Thanks so much. Have a great day. If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at life coach gen with one end Com, follow me on Instagram and Facebook at happily even after podcast. Let's work together to create your happily even after.