Do you have a Savior Complex? Breaking free from the Need to Rescue Others

Have you ever felt an irresistible urge to solve everyone's problems, convinced that you were their only hope? My revelation about the savior complex's impact on our lives came to me during an insightful coaching session, and it's something I'm eager to unpack with you. Research by psychologist Mari Joseph, helped me navigate the complex waters of trying to 'save' the people around us. The conversation sheds light on the fine line between assisting and rescueing, exploring how this well-intentioned yet misdirected drive can take a toll on our self-esteem and vitality. Through personal anecdotes and expert insights, we aim to empower you to recognize and step back from these patterns, fostering growth in others and ourselves without crossing boundaries.

Then, we move into the labyrinth of change within our intimate spheres. Striving to mold our loved ones into our ideal can often backfire, creating rifts and perpetuating feelings of inadequacy. Instead, I advocate for embracing acceptance and practicing active listening, strategies that can transform our relationships and our approach to support. It's a liberating shift from playing the rescuer to focusing on our own well-being, and Mari Joseph's expertise illuminates the path to this freedom. Join me as I explore the relief and rejuvenation that come from laying down the savior mantle and nourishing our own needs as much as we tend to those we care about.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:10

Hi friends, welcome to Happily. Even After I'm Life Coach Jen, a certified life coach that specializes in relationships. I'm a mom of four awesome kids and one amazing senora, a home decorator, a remodeler, a shopper, a scrabler and a snuggler. I want to help you with your relationships, mainly the relationship you have with yourself and your family and God. Thanks for listening and letting me share the tools I have learned that can help you live happily even after some of life's greatest challenges. Hey friends, welcome to today's podcast. I'm so glad you're here.

Speaker 1: 0:45

So this topic was brought up in a coaching session I did the other day and I thought you know, I want to research this. And this person said you know, I think I have a savior complex. So it was like interesting, I want to figure out what exactly that is. And as I was doing my research, I'm like, oh, I think I have a savior complex and so maybe you'll be able to relate to some of these things and I'm going to teach you how to, not because I wouldn't say it's a great thing, don't judge yourself, but like it is anyways, as I read it to you and sometimes people call it like the night and shining armor syndrome, white night syndrome. So you might have heard, you know it called different things. But the point is that one of you in the relationship and I'm going to also say this could be in a marriage relationship or with your children or siblings that you want to save people by fixing their problems, and that in and of itself, doesn't make you have a savior complex, because we like to help people right, and it's understandable that you want to help people, especially the ones that you love. But sometimes people that we love, they didn't even ask us for help, they didn't even want our help. Sometimes, how we process and certain people process, they just needed, like vent and say how they're feeling and you're their person, that's who you know. You're the mom or the dad or the husband or the wife or the friend. And so, really becoming aware of these things that you're doing and what if they're like we don't want your help? Are you going to accept it? And so, if you truly have this savior complex, that's going to be really hard for you.

Speaker 1: 2:42

Do you insist on helping people even though they don't want your help, or they specifically said to not help them? So pay attention to your actions as well, as well as what you're saying If you have this complex, sometimes you only feel good about yourself when helping someone. So is your self-esteem tied to you helping other people? Does it give you the belief that helping others is your purpose in life and I think sometimes, of course, it's important to help people, but it does give you purpose, but like what is behind it, because that is the key. Is this where all your self-worth and self-esteem is coming from? Do you expend so much energy trying to fix others that you end up burning out? So what does having a savior complex look like?

Speaker 1: 3:40

In general, people consider helpfulness a positive trait, which I would agree with. So you might not see that there's anything wrong with trying to help or save others, but there's a difference between helping someone and saving someone. So really pay attention. So there is a psychologist that I looked into, mari Joseph, and they say savior tendencies can involve fantasies of omnipotence. Like you think kind of like a God complex. You believe someone out there is capable of single-handedly making everything better, and that person happens to be you and maybe like even thinking like you're Superman or Wonder Woman. Right, like sometimes I will make the comment like good thing, I'm here, I'm the hero of the story, but really like internalizing this and believing this.

Speaker 1: 4:40

Some other signs are vulnerability attracts you. So white knighting in relationships involves trying to rescue partners from distress. So say someone is having you know something really distressful happening to them, that you are going to save them from themselves. And a lot of times you are gonna be attracted to people that are always like having struggles or in distress. So pay attention to like your friends. Are you always attracted to that person? Did you marry someone Because you felt you were going to save them? And a lot of times we think, okay, we felt pain and distress, so because we have had that suffering, we're gonna help anyone else that is suffering to not have suffering. But really growth happens in our suffering.

Speaker 1: 5:40

The one thing I've learned about going through my experience with betrayal is the growth, the amount of growth I've experienced from being at a very low point in a lot of my life and those experiences that I've experienced then to becoming who I am now. Like that growth no one could have saved me from or taught me or helped me out of, and if they would have tried, I wouldn't have been able to grow as much as I did. And so recognizing in your life and I'm just gonna say it, like for me, my kids. I'm sure I had a lot of awareness when I was researching this with my kids, because I don't want my kids to hurt or feel pain or have, you know, not enough money or different things, so I can see how it's easy to prevent someone from not having those growth experiences that really taught us who we are. So don't judge yourself, because I went down a moment where I'm like, oh my gosh, like what is wrong with me? Why am I doing this? But the awareness is gonna help you get out of it. And the non-judgment because of course, I'm doing the best I can and I'm coming from a place of love. But then, okay, how can I help them with some growth?

Speaker 1: 7:13

If you ever find yourself trying to change people this of course, happens in most relationships If they were different, then it would be better, and I think I've experienced this with my kids too. But you know, if you're like they're gonna be better if they would get a different job or if they would act a different way, if they would, you know, take up this new hobby, if you've ever heard women talk about if my husband would just exercise and men do that too. If my wife would just exercise, then you know she would be better, and that can cause a lot of problems. Or being very specific about their behavior, that you need them to change. I'm gonna save them from becoming, you know, overweight and bedridden by getting them to work out and exercise. But if it doesn't come from them, the change is never gonna be permanent. It's just gonna be placating you, probably to get off their back for a moment. It has to come from within the person for the change to actually work and click.

Speaker 1: 8:33

So if you're trying to get someone to change, if they don't want it, it could ultimately lead to a lot of resentment in your marriage. If you focus primarily on trying to change them, you probably aren't learning much about who they really are or appreciating them for themselves. And I just recently had this conversation with my son. And people don't wanna feel broken. They don't wanna feel like they're a problem to fix, and if they feel treated like such, they will be disconnected from you and they will not want to connect with you. And so if you find yourself doing this, then really is your goal to connect? And if it is, then stop trying to fix them and just try to get to know them and understand them, be curious about them.

Speaker 1: 9:28

Sometimes the problems in our lives have to do with trauma or grief or pain that we've felt, and that isn't fixed in one conversation or one workout or a million other things. It's gonna take moments of trust and safety and connectedness. It's gonna take moments, several moments throughout you know your relationship to build that in order for them to feel safe. And so your job isn't the savior. You're not gonna fix everything and just take that off the list. There's only one way to fix that and that's to be honest and just take that off the list. There's only one if you believe in God and if you believe in Jesus Christ, you are not him or that is not you. And so just recognize the why, because the reason you're doing this has something to do with you and not the person that you're trying to change. Also, if you believe you're the only person that can help this person realize sometimes, especially if you're the parent or your spouse a lot of times they might hear something from you and then they hear it from their friend and they listen to their friend and you get upset, but it's because that friend said it in a way that they could hear and how you were saying it. They just couldn't hear it. And so if you're attached or angry about that, realize like no, it wasn't you all along, they needed to hear it from someone else.

Speaker 1: 11:06

If you're helping for the wrong reasons to make yourself look better, or if you're thinking that you know better or you're coming from that space, it's never gonna work. And you need to realize like, okay, what's going on here, why are you doing this? And ultimately it's gonna affect you. You're gonna get burnout. You're gonna spend so much energy focused on other people that you're gonna stop taking care of yourself and focusing on yourself and what your needs are. So paying attention to what you need and not so focused on what you think the other person needs, because we don't know what they need unless they ask.

Speaker 1: 11:52

If you have this complex and the people that you're trying to help, you can create a lot of sense of failure in yourself and in the person that you're trying to help. So you're going to have a lot of guilt, inadequacy, self-criticism and frustration. So if you feel yourself feeling like this, like oh my gosh, I'm such a failure, they're not changing, then you know like, okay, this is something that I need to work on. And if you feel yourself getting depressed or have a lot of resentment or anger towards the people that you're trying to help, then this is also a good sign that you are doing this and it's not being received well. So how can you not have a savior complex, like if you're like, okay, I think I do this, which I think I sometimes try to do some of these things with my children, and I've actually recently realized this because of a conversation I had with my daughter but I need to listen more instead of act.

Speaker 1: 12:58

So, having a conversation, listen to what they're saying, because realize sometimes that person just needs to vent. So, if you can gain the skill of active listening and then, even if you have to write on a piece of paper like don't say a word, just listen to remind your brain like, okay, this isn't the time to fix, they're not asking for my opinion. Now, if, after they've said all what they need to say, and they're like, hey, what do you think you know, say what they said and give, if you wanna give your opinion, but don't hold so tightly to them liking what you have to say or wanting to do what you have to say, because when you hold tight to it, then you're gonna be upset when they don't take your advice. So just if they need it, then you can offer it. I think learning to offer assistance in low pressure ways like let me know if you need help, I'm here if you need me, but letting go of you know why didn't they call me? Do they not like me? When you start making it about you, you know there's a problem. So just offer your help.

Speaker 1: 14:15

Be the type of person that when someone does call you and say, hey, I actually do need your help, that you weren't just words, you are also now action. You're not the person, hey, if you need my help. And then a week later they're calling, hey, I need your help. And you're like, oh, I can't help you. And it could be you can't help them right, that very moment. But hey, I can't help you right now, but how about in five hours? Can I come and help you? So there's a difference, right? So just really be mindful. If you're saying to someone that you're willing to help them, follow through on that too.

Speaker 1: 14:52

Remember that you can only control yourself, and I think we all know this, but we forget it often, and so just paying attention to how you wanna show up in the different situations, how you can become a better listener, do some work on, okay, what is it about them not accepting my help or my opinion bothered me? Okay, cause that says everything about you and nothing about them. So really just being mindful of that. I think having a coach or a therapist is so important because you can say, hey, I have these tendencies that when my kids are really struggling, I just tend to wanna swoop up and help them so they don't have any consequences to their choices. Or my spouse. I try to do this with them and so that's good awareness. And then have an outside, neutral person to have that conversation with, cause they can help you see different things that you're doing or not doing.

Speaker 1: 16:02

Now, if you're in the position where you think you're like, oh my gosh, someone in my life is trying to save me all the time having an honest conversation with them, I think my kids luckily my son. The other day he said, mom, I just need to tell you how I'm feeling right now, I don't need you to fix me, I'm not broken. And of course, my initial reaction was like, oh my gosh, I suck. I'm always trying to fix things, I'm always trying to give them my opinion, and then I decided, wait a second, I don't need to think that, and I like just took all the pressure off myself of I'm just gonna sit here and listen to him, and we had such a beautiful conversation and it was so connecting cause he could just share with me his heart in a safe way that he wasn't worried about me like chiming him like you should do that, you should do this. And so becoming aware of this is why I mostly wanted to talk about it, and you don't need to call it a savior complex if you don't want to, or whatever, but if you just find yourself always like trying to fix things and be nosy and give your opinions so people don't have opportunity for growth. I think that's really the lesson here, and so there are ways that I'm talking about that you can kind of stop doing that. I think it's just something good to think about.

Speaker 1: 17:34

We all have done this in our lives. Some of us are living our lives for others more than we're living it for ourselves, and that needs to change, because you cannot live your life for other people. You have to live your life for yourself, even if it means other people are gonna be upset or disappointed or fall down or get hurt. What feels true to you, what feels most authentic and genuine to you, and, of course, always show up in love and always offer the help, and they're gonna take it. Your kids are gonna come to you if they're really in a bind and it's gonna let a lot of that pressure go. Now, if your kids are little, that's different, but I'm talking about young adult age kids and, with your spouse, you know how it feels to have someone tell you what to do and it doesn't feel good, and so try not to be that person and if you do, just do a do over, say you know what, I'm sorry I did that. I'm gonna do better next time and next time, hopefully, you can do better.

Speaker 1: 18:43

I hope that was helpful. It was really helpful for me to realize, oh, I have some things I can work on. I always have plenty of things I need to work on, but this was one thing that I thought when I was coaching this client. I was like I don't know if I do that, and then I was like, oh, I think I do do that, and so that's why I like learning different topics, because it can show us, like where we have room for improvement, what we can do to grow and become a better version of ourselves. So if you're ever interested in coaching or you're curious about it, I always offer a free call. So email me and we can get that set up and I'll send you my calendar and I'd love to chat. Anyways, thanks so much for listening. Have a beautiful day. If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at hello at lifecoachjenn with one end dot com. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at happily even after coach. Let's work together to create your happily even after.