Happily Even After with Life Coach Jen
Happily Even After shares weekly insights and tools to create more fulfilling relationships with yourself, your family and God. Jennifer is a certified life coach that was married for 26 years . She has 4 amazing children and 1 son in law. She doesn’t have it all figured out but she has lots of personal experience and has learned what to do and what not to do in relationships. I help women and men who have experienced betrayal in their marriage or have been divorced learn that their is happiness to be had even when your life doesn't go as planned.
Happily Even After with Life Coach Jen
Navigating Relationships with Adult Children
The journey from being a hands-on parent to navigating relationships with adult children brings unexpected challenges that few of us are prepared to handle. How do we maintain meaningful connections while respecting their growing independence? When do we offer advice versus simply listening? And what happens when our children make choices that conflict with our values or expectations?
This deeply personal episode explores the delicate evolution of parent-child relationships as our children mature into adulthood. Drawing from my own experiences as a divorced mother of four adult children, I share candid insights about letting go of control and embracing a new paradigm based on mutual respect. The key question that guides my approach: "What does love look like here?"
We examine practical strategies for respecting boundaries, avoiding unsolicited advice, and healing past wounds through honest communication. For those who've experienced divorce or betrayal, I offer compassionate guidance on helping your children process their grief while managing your own emotional landscape. The reality is that our children witnessed our pain during these difficult transitions, and acknowledging this shared history creates space for authentic connection.
Perhaps most challenging is releasing our preconceived notions about how our children's lives "should" unfold. When they choose different spiritual paths, career directions, or relationship structures than we imagined, we face a profound opportunity for growth. By trusting our children's capacity to navigate their own journeys and cultivating rich, independent lives of our own, we free them from feeling responsible for our happiness while modeling healthy adulthood.
Whether you're struggling with empty nest syndrome, navigating post-divorce family dynamics, or simply wanting to deepen your connection with your grown children, this episode offers heartfelt wisdom for transforming your relationship. Ready to move beyond old patterns and create something beautiful? Join me as we explore what it truly means to parent adult children with love, respect, and genuine curiosity.
Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.
Email me: hello@lifecoachjen.com for any comments or questions.
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My website is www.lifecoachjen.com
Welcome to my podcast. Happily, even After. I'm life coach, jen, I'm passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It's the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today, we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today's podcast.
Speaker 1:Recently, on my Instagram stories, I asked people to leave me ideas for my podcast and my sweet daughter, bless her heart. She said mom, can I leave you an idea? Because the thing is, I was giving away $25. Now, the week before, I gave away $5 and not one person entered my contest. I'm like, okay, I'm going to have to up the ante. So I made it 25 and two people entered my contest. One of them was my sweet daughter and, of course, I did give her $25 because she did. She had a great idea and I think her idea was meant for me to do some research and figure it out, because it was how to navigate your relationships between your adult children.
Speaker 1:And I'm going to talk just as a parent, right, I'm a mom, realizing that my situation I'm divorced with four children, realizing that my situation I'm divorced, with four children and I would say I'm the main parent in my children's life. Three of my children live with me, so my parenting is different, maybe with my oldest daughter, who's married and doesn't live with me, you know but my kids are technically all adults, right? So take what you can from what I'm talking about and implement them. Maybe you have a husband, maybe you are married, and so that's probably a little bit different, right? But my situation is that I'm divorced. So that is just another layer that I have to work with and work around with my kids, who have experienced the divorce with me, and they saw me go through the divorce, right, they were with me while I was in my closet, crying my eyes out and completely devastated and trying to get through the day. So they have experienced my pain. It's really hard to hide that from your kids. I wish it was possible, but it's not, at least for me, it was not so anyway.
Speaker 1:So I'm going to give you some ideas, some things for you to think about, and I think this is really powerful work if you can be able to separate yourself from your children, Because I want you to know that you were a great mom. You were a great dad. You did your best right, and sometimes your best sucked, and sometimes my best did too. You need to acknowledge that part of yourself, too, right. Sometimes you're really messed up and I'm not saying our kids are perfect, but you are the adult. You will always be their parent, whether you know you're 80 and they're 50, you're going to be their mom, you're going to be their dad. So I just think this is really good information. This is going to help you in your life. It will serve you well.
Speaker 1:I think the first thing you need to recognize that your roles are different. They are becoming their own person, who, they are right, and I think it gets muddy because, at least for me, I financially support my kids still. I give them a roof over their head and I feed them and clothe them, and so people I think can use that kind of as a weapon. Right? Like you know, I still let you sleep in my house. How dare you do that, or whatever. That's just not my approach.
Speaker 1:I come at everything I do as much as possible with the idea of what does love look like here, with the idea of what does love look like here? How does love show up? Because our kids are going through a lot of really hard things right now and I recognize that and I recognize I contributed to their pain a little bit right with my divorce and my marriage. And so I just try to look at it through the lens of what does love look like? Because and you know I get sometimes love looks like not allowing your kids to live in your home and that's 100% okay. That's not where I am at, but you've got to just decide that as opposed to anger and fear and hatred, right, and that's just the lens that I'm coming through. So just know, when your kids become adults, they get to choose choices that sometimes you might not agree with, but that's okay.
Speaker 1:Like I think our brain sometimes screams at us and like this is dangerous. This isn't right. But the thing is we don't know what's right for our kids all the time. We've got to trust them and I love this thought is, if you know your child is doing something that you disagree with or think that they shouldn't do, you can say something like I trust you've thought this through and I'm proud of you for doing what feels right to you, like kind of coming from that perspective, because I think our kids they need to know their parents trust them, that they're confident in them. And I'm not saying this is easy, this is hard, but sometimes we're just looking right at the problem that's going on. But if we can have like a longer lens and be like no, I know they're going to figure this out, maybe not at 19, but maybe I'm guessing by the time they're 25 or even 30, right. So kids, I think, show up when we know we can be confident in who they are, that we respect their independence, even if the decisions they're making are different than the decisions we're making.
Speaker 1:Because when I was 19 and 20 and 21, like, the world was different, my life was different than theirs, my experience was different. So I can't compare my experience and think that that's what they should do. So I just think it's really important to acknowledge the reality of the situation. This has changed and you get to do that however you want. But it's just a good mind shift for you to do and this is work worth doing. These are your kids.
Speaker 1:I'm guessing you want a relationship with your kids shift for you to do and this is work worth doing. These are your kids. I'm guessing you want a relationship with your kids. I know I do. I always want to have a relationship with my kids. I love my kids and I get that they're going to make different decisions than I did, respecting your child's autonomy and boundaries. Respecting your child's autonomy and boundaries, now I get sometimes you're not going to agree with what they're doing or they might create a boundary and you're like that's ridiculous, right, but we've got to respect our kids, that they know what's best for them. My kids with the divorce, they have different boundaries with me and they have different boundaries with their dad. Right, and I'm not going to speak for him, but I'm guessing some of those he doesn't like, he doesn't agree with Some of them, might be annoying, but the more he respects them, that builds the trust and that's what the kids are seeking, right, they want to be able to know like, okay, I'm going to say this thing, I don't want any contact with you and then if he respects that, that's going to build trust, okay. So our actions if we have different things that our kids are asking us to do or not to do I know this happens a lot when we live close to our kids and our kids are having grandchildren or whatever and we just show up, right, it's a problem, right, we need to respect our kids. If our kids are like you need to call first before you come over. I hope that you learn and you call first.
Speaker 1:I have a daughter that she is very germaphobic and so I guarantee when she has a baby she's going to have lots of rules of how to interact with her baby. And I'm going to probably think like, oh, that's ridiculous, I didn't do that when you were a child and you weren't sick and you were totally healthy. However, I love her and I'm going to respect her. And if she wants me to wash my hands, and of course she would want, going to respect her. And if she wants me to wash my hands, and of course she would want me to wash her hands, but like, if she has these extra steps that I didn't do with her, that's okay. Like I'm not going to make it mean anything about her or mean anything about me, okay.
Speaker 1:And if you're feeling like I want a relationship with my kids but they're not answering their phone, I hear that a lot Like, well a relationship with my kids but they're not answering their phone. I hear that a lot like well, I text my kids and they never text me back. Just realize kids just aren't texting their parents back. But I am very grateful my kids really almost always will text me back because that's just the kind of relationship we've built. But if they didn't, I would probably reach out and say you know what? I know you're busy, but I'm here whenever and I would love to catch up with you. I'm going to keep the path opened instead of block and be angry, right? A lot of people are like well, if they're not reaching out to me, if they're not texting me, then I'm not going to text them. Well, that's not the adult thing to do, that's not what a parent would do. I'm guessing you want to have that relationship and it just might take a little bit more creativeness and effort and know like my child maybe is struggling with something or maybe is dealing with something, and how can I show up for them even if I'm not actually talking to them? You get to create that relationship anyways.
Speaker 1:Oftentimes, I think, especially with like religion or politics, our kids might have a different viewpoint than you. That's okay. Sometimes our brain's like, oh my gosh, this is very dangerous and we need to like immediately correct it. But instead, what if you just get curious and talk to them and say you know, I really respect your perspective, even if we see things differently? I have one child that really sees the world differently than I do, but I am fascinated when I talk to him and hear his ideas. Really, all my kids have different perspectives than I do and that's okay. Like I've learned a lot.
Speaker 1:I really like I'm so grateful that I was able to get out of my mindset right, because, of course, when they were born, I had this vision of them how we would all grow up, how our family would look like, how they would go to college and go on missions for our church and get married in the temple and all these ideas. And I'm just going to say I realized, especially going through betrayal and getting divorced, like I needed to get rid of all those ideas that I had. It was causing me a lot of pain and really not helpful for me to show up in my being a mom to my kids in a good way, and so I was like you know what? I have no idea what my life is going to look like, because what I thought it was going to look like has not turned out that way and that's 100% okay. I'm actually loving who I've become, despite my spouse cheating on me and me getting divorced, like all the hard things. I really like who I have become.
Speaker 1:I feel like I'm much more compassionate, empathetic, tolerant, more curious with other people, more open to new ideas and perspectives. I just feel more at peace and I'm not trying to be something that I created and invented in my head, and so I really would challenge you to just get curious with your kids. This is a new day and age and kids are finding out all sorts of things that I'm still learning at 50. I'm like, oh my gosh, I had no idea. You know, they tell me things. I have to ask them what words mean and what this means, and they're like you didn't know that. I'm like I had no idea. I've never experienced this in my life. So I just would challenge you to get curious and respect your kids' boundaries Another great lesson that I have learned through going through divorce and raising my kids in a home that I thought was safe, like I think it was my pretend fantasy world, right, like in my mind, like you're just having just this beautiful, happy life, and in reality, no, there was a lot of like this underlying feeling, like always walking on eggshells, that we all were experiencing, not realizing.
Speaker 1:We were all experiencing this and I've had to do a lot of repair. So I think apologizing and taking ownership for any past behavior that you might have done is so powerful for kids, because that shows that you are aware of it, and especially when they bring it to you. Now, sometimes and I've learned this too sometimes our kids they just want to tell us how they experience their life and they don't want us to try to fix it or explain it. They just want us to acknowledge their pain, and that's really hard to do. If you've done it, congratulations. But I have practiced and sometimes I'm good at it and my kids can call me out. They're like mom, I just need you to listen, and so I'm grateful that they're able to have that voice and just say it. But sometimes our kids just need to speak it and that's it and have you hear it.
Speaker 1:But other times there's going to need to be repaired, there's going to need to be an apology, there's going to be like, hey, mom, do you remember when this happened, when I was nine years old? And you know, probably you have to dig down deep to remember that, figure that out and be like, oh yeah, this is what was actually going on, this is what I pretended was happening, but this is what reality was. And having those open-hearted communications when your kids are ready right, I think I've definitely made the mistake is like, okay, let me tell them all the crap that I've been going through for the past 26 years. And I quickly learned like, oh no, that's not a good idea either, because I'm like projecting my pain onto my kids, right, and so luckily, that didn't happen often and I realized like, okay, I need to be going to the therapist for this, to get this off my conscious, heal this part of me and allow my kids to have the other part that they need healed. And when they're ready, they're going to come talk to me. They're going to come talk to you when your kids are ready. And so just acknowledge, of course we make mistakes, right, and we're not perfect and forgiveness, healing is totally possible if you have a compassionate, curious mindset, right, if you're not like critical and negative, that's going to be really hard for your kids to come to you. They're not going to feel safe to have a conversation with you.
Speaker 1:Another thing that is really hard as a parent, but we need to be conscious about when we have adult kids, is giving unsolicited advice. Now we're the parent, we think we have this amazing advice, we know all the answers because we've already been through all this. But I just want you to consider what if we have no idea? What if our child? We've raised them, they are capable of figuring this out and we can trust that they will. You can always ask like would you like my thoughts on this or would you prefer to figure it out on your own? That's a great thing to say to your child, right? And if you find yourself just giving this advice, if you can catch it and say you know what, let me try over, let me do this over, because you can kind of tell in their body language. Or if they get angry, right, you always tell me what I should do. And then, kids, they tend to rebel, right, so they do the exact opposite. So just be aware, unless they're coming to you for advice, they just want someone to listen, they want someone to hear them. They want someone to voice whatever they're feeling, okay. So this is something to practice Allowing our kids to make mistakes this is another really hard one.
Speaker 1:But if you look at your own life, how we learn and grow is because we make mistakes, and that is what we're here for. We're supposed we make mistakes and that is what we're here for. We're supposed to make mistakes. And so sometimes you know the mistakes have bigger consequences. But sometimes kids, that's just how they learn to get through life is by making mistakes, and it is really hard. So I just think, find a way to help yourself, because it's not our kid's job to make us feel good, it's not their job to make sure we're happy. It's our job to make sure we're happy and we're healthy and we're taking care of ourselves. So I just think it's important to figure out a way to allow them right you want them to be safe, but give them the opportunity to make mistakes. It's important to address problems and resolve disagreements constructively. So I think, creating good communication right with your kids, teaching them how to communicate well, teaching them to talk about things.
Speaker 1:For years I think I for sure am an avoider, but through coaching, through lots of practice, I don't avoid things anymore. If I have something, I'm going to address it and I'm going to address it in the kindest way possible. Right, and luckily I've learned enough tools and things to practice with that I can have these hard in. I'm going to just call them hard conversations, right, just maybe they're uncomfortable conversations. But how you learn how to do this is you have to practice doing it, not avoiding, not pretending, not waiting until the disagreement like gets into, like yelling and screaming and punching holes in the wall. Like hopefully that doesn't happen, but I know for some families that's the reality and so finding healthy ways to communicate with your adult children, especially when they're living in your house Now, I know it's different when our kids are away from us, but you can still have conversations and if you disagree and decide, sometimes as parents we think something's a problem that it's not a problem, so don't make it a problem.
Speaker 1:Like I know, I've had certain thoughts like I worry about things, that it's like an imaginary worry, Like why am I worried about someone getting a job or not getting a job, or getting a certain job or going to school? It's like not even my life or my problem, and if it becomes my issue or something I need to help with, that's when I can talk about it. But me worrying about it is only causing me pain, and so I think as parents, especially women we cause ourselves a lot of unneeded pain due to the thoughts in our head and to the worries that may not even happen. Another thing I think that's important because sometimes we really our kids feel like, oh, I've got to take care of my mom, especially since I'm divorced and my kids still live with me. But no, create your own life right. It's not your kid's job to be your entertainment. And I even know children that are like married and have five kids, that they feel like they have to be the ones to take care of their parents or to be their parents' entertainment. Right, and it's almost like the mom they expect it, and I think that isn't the healthiest way and there is so many better ways.
Speaker 1:Your kids shouldn't feel like it's their responsibility to entertain you, make you happy. Of course you want to hang out with your kids we love our kids right, but create a life that you want, with your own friends, with your own hobbies and things to do, and I've really tried to do that, especially this year I've been very intentional that I'm going out with my friends and going on trips and doing things outside of what my kids are doing, right, and when they go out out, I love it. When they go out, I'm so happy like I'm perfectly content at home watching Netflix and doing puzzles, like that's happy for me, or, you know, whatever else I'm doing around the house. So making sure your kids know like you're okay, it's not their job, it's not their responsibility, because that could be such a big weight for them. And so, especially those that have that more in their nature, you know, have a conversation with them. Let them see, tell them. I always tell my kids like, oh, my gosh, I had so much fun, or this is what I did, because I want them to know like I'm not just at home, I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I don't feel sorry for myself. I want to tell them that I want them to know like I'm not just at home, I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I don't feel sorry for myself. I want to tell them that I want them to know that Cultivating connection is just making sure how can I connect with my child?
Speaker 1:And even if that child has said they're not ready to have a relationship. Maybe something's happened in your past. There are still ways to cultivate a relationship with your children, right? You have to be creative, you have to get curious. One thing I will say my daughter does not talk to her dad, but for Christmas he gave her a subscription to Vogue magazine and I'm really impressed that he did that, because she gets that every month and it was one of her favorite Christmas gifts and I'm guessing it wasn't really that expensive I don't know how much a subscription I mean 50 bucks, and that's something right, because every time she sees that. So you can get creative, like you have to just think out of the box.
Speaker 1:People get in a whole well, they're not responding to my texts and they make it all about them. Realize it's not about you, it's about what's going on for your child. So how can you even if it's like I can say a prayer for them, I can send them a letter, something right, it's your job. So figure it out and don't make it about you, okay. So that was a lot, but just really, I think, with adult children, if you're just experiencing this, wherever you are in this with adult kids, think about how you wished you would have been treated, or you want to be treated as an adult, because we're all children of parents, right, and you might be like, well, my parents did it, perfect, great. Okay, well, you might not be doing it perfect, and especially when divorce is in the mix or even betrayal like we have to allow our kids to feel whatever feelings they need to feel.
Speaker 1:Okay, sometimes our kids just want to be angry and sad and mad, and that's okay. You have to allow them to feel their emotions, can't get all irritated or frustrated because it's just not going to be helpful, but it's important and it's a grief. Like there's a lot of grief, right, divorce. That's why divorce is so hard, because it's the grief of a family. No child ever, in my opinion, has said oh, I hope my parents get divorced someday. Now, eventually they might be glad that. Oh, I'm glad my parents got divorced.
Speaker 1:But when they're little, like that feels very unsafe and insecure and so most kids, they want their parents to stay together, they want them to figure it out. Divorce feels really scary and so allow them. They're going to have a grieving process. They're going to be angry at someone they're like. Well, if you, you know, feel like it wasn't even your fault and they're mad at you. That could be hurtful, but you just have to let them feel however they want to feel.
Speaker 1:Okay, remember, accepting reality is important, right? Sometimes our kids aren't. Maybe they're going to stop believing in God, or they're not going to marry the person we think that they should marry, or they're not going to have the job that we think they should have, or they're not going to marry the person we think that they should marry, or they're not going to have the job that we think they should have, or they're not going to go to college or whatever. Right? Whatever your story was of who your kids were, reality is so much better, right? Just trust your child is figuring it out, trust that they will figure it out.
Speaker 1:And if you're struggling with this, like we all are right, like for me, I'm kind of past, like I don't really get coached on my former husband anymore, but I get coached on my kids a lot, right, because I'm like, oh my gosh, how do I navigate this? It feels hard, right? Sometimes we need help. It's okay to get help. It's okay to ask for help. It's the bravest thing you can do. It's the best thing you can do is ask for help, because we don't have all the answers and sometimes having someone else help us see our minds, help us see our faulty thoughts that are going on, because we've had this story of how our kids are going to be for a very long time and when we have to switch the story, it can be challenging. So, anyways, I hope this is helpful.
Speaker 1:I'm so grateful that my daughter asked the question right, because I think this is a topic worth figuring out, worth figuring out. How can I create a better relationship with my kids? How can I shift from changing diapers to running them, to all the soccer practices or football or gymnastics, to now kind of being an equal, having a different relationship with them? Because, hopefully, if you're like me, you just adore and love your kids and you think they're amazing and you want them in your life. I want my kids in my life forever and I know that won't happen if I show up in a way that is unhelpful.
Speaker 1:Anyways, thanks so much for listening. If you need help in any of your relationships, especially with your adult kids, I would love to help you reach out and we can set up a free call and chat. Anyways, have a beautiful day and I'll see you next week. If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at hello at lifecoachjenwith1ncom. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at Happily Even After Coach. Coach Jen with one ncom. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at happily even after coach. Let's work together to create your happily even after.