Happily Even After with Life Coach Jen
Happily Even After shares weekly insights and tools to create more fulfilling relationships with yourself, your family and God. Jennifer is a certified life coach that was married for 26 years . She has 4 amazing children and 1 son in law. She doesn’t have it all figured out but she has lots of personal experience and has learned what to do and what not to do in relationships. I help women and men who have experienced betrayal in their marriage or have been divorced learn that their is happiness to be had even when your life doesn't go as planned.
Happily Even After with Life Coach Jen
168: Shame: The Silent Destroyer of Relationships
Shame creeps in silently after betrayal, whispering that we're somehow responsible for our partner's choices. It tells us we should have known better, seen the signs earlier, or somehow prevented the pain that's now consuming us.
As someone who carried the weight of both my own shame and my unfaithful partner's for years, I understand how paralyzing this emotion can be. That's why I love the acronym that perfectly captures this destructive feeling: Shame = Should Have Already Mastered Everything. This episode dives deep into how shame operates after betrayal, keeping us isolated and questioning our worth when we most need connection and confidence.
We explore the crucial difference between guilt ("I did something wrong") and shame ("I am wrong"), and how this distinction affects healing. You'll learn about the physical and emotional manifestations of shame after betrayal - from feeling undesirable to mistrusting your own judgment. Most importantly, we break down the "shame-blame trap" that keeps couples stuck in cycles of defensiveness instead of healing.
Whether you're trying to rebuild your marriage after infidelity or create a new life beyond betrayal, freedom from shame is essential. This episode provides practical guidance on finding the right support, practicing radical honesty, and reclaiming your sense of worthiness. You didn't cause the betrayal, and you don't need to carry shame that doesn't belong to you. Your journey toward living "happily even after" begins with setting down this burden.
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Welcome to my podcast. Happily, even After. I'm life coach, jen, I'm passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It's the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today's podcast.
Speaker 1:So today I'm talking about shame and I for sure have talked about shame before, but I think it's a topic we can talk about all the time, because there is a lot of shame and betrayal and divorce and just life in general. And there is an acronym that I heard recently on a podcast or reading a book I'm not sure which, but I just liked it so much I'm like I'm going to do a podcast. So they said shame was should have already mastered everything, and I thought that was such a great way to think about shame, because people just think like, oh, I should know better by now. Right, anytime we shit ourselves is a warning sign like, okay, could you reframe that? Re-say that, right. Like shitting ourselves is never helpful. Shame is such a destructive emotion and betrayal and really all of life. So the more shame resilient you can become, the better it's going to be. Better in how you communicate with other people, how you live your life. And you know you have shame if you keep blaming other people for your behavior or misbehavior, right? Well, I had an affair because my wife wasn't meeting my needs and then dot dot, dot, right.
Speaker 1:So often affairs, the spouse gets betrayed and sadly our society still thinks that it might be true. Right, but I want you to know it's a hundred percent not your fault if your spouse has an affair. Right, I'm not saying your marriage was perfect, you are a perfect spouse, but it's just the affair part. It was about them, okay, shame keeps us hiding. So if you feel like you just want to hide, you don't want to talk to anyone, you don't want to be around people, if you're just hiding and it's different than being like an introvert if you just have a lot of shame people knowing anything about you, right, that's shame talking and it keeps us stuck in our enoughness, right. Like if you're like I'm just not enough, I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, like. If you're like I'm just not enough, I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, like, if you are saying that to yourself, that is shame. So just pay attention, right, and it's not coming. I'm not telling you this like, just go start judging yourself. It's just awareness, right? If we're not even aware that we're stuck in shame, we can't change. We have to know it right and just know you're going to stop living an amazing life when you go into hiding.
Speaker 1:Right, shame causes us to hide and I can totally see this in my own life. Like I like hid in plain sight, I guess you could say, because obviously I wasn't not going out of the house, but I did. I carried a lot of shame and I also carried my spouse's shame. It's like I don't want you to feel bad about what you did, so let me feel bad about what you did and then about myself. Right, let me just carry your shame and I'll carry my shame. And that happens a lot in betrayal, especially when you are working on your marriage or you think you're working on your marriage, and so I just think it's something good to become aware of.
Speaker 1:I love the Gottman Institute. They said shame attaches to the heart and taints their most significant relational longings, desires, needs, hopes and wants with self-doubt, critical judgment and insecurity. This shame can haunt betrayed partners, dogging their steps and making them question decisions about themselves and their relationships. And I would totally agree with this. Like the amount of questioning myself and questioning everything in my life all the time was constant, right, and then it didn't help that my spouse would just verify all of that and agree with it, like, yeah, you're definitely the problem. And so it was like I already was thinking it in my head and then they were reinforcing what I was already thinking, not like actually that isn't even true. Right, because we are all good enough. Right, and what does good enough even mean right. Like everyone has different things that they're good at and so and so anyways, so I just I really can see my life.
Speaker 1:I had for sure a shame story underlying shame for so much of my marriage because I believed that it was my job to fix the problem, me, fix me, so that my spouse would love me enough to stop having affairs. And I can clearly see that that was very wrong thinking, very shameful thinking, and it was not helpful. And sadly, you know, it affected my children, right, how they perceived themselves and perceived me and anyways. So it can be really damaging to your life and so shame is very destructive. So if you feel like there's a lot of shame, you can totally get out of the shame by taking ownership and acceptance, and I'm going to talk to you about that in a second. So a lot of times the partner you know you, if you've been the one that was betrayed you have a loss of self-worth and so you don't feel, like I said before, like good enough. It totally shatters. So that's why betrayal is so damaging, because it shatters someone else that you supposedly loved and married to feel not good enough, that they are inadequate and worthless and that their relationship now is on this unsolid ground. Right, it's just very devastating.
Speaker 1:A lot of people have physical and sexual shame because then they feel unattractive. This for sure was me. Right, like I felt like here, you know, having babies, your body changes and your spouse not thinking you're attractive anymore. You don't look like the 25-year-old they're having sex with, right, of course not. Your body has changed, no-transcript. So the betrayed spouse you feel unattractive, undesirable. This happens a lot with pornography, people watching pornography their spouse. Of course those people are not real, like, yes, maybe they're real people, but they're airbrushed and choreographed and it's an act. They're acting in pornography and so it's very damaging to someone that's a real person. It's like you're married to me yet you're watching these other women or men and getting aroused and so it really messes with your physical and your intimacy.
Speaker 1:In a marriage. You have mistrust and insecurity, especially after betrayal. It's like how can I trust you? Here? You told me you know all these things and then I find out they were all lies and you feel foolish and you know people are confused. It's like how did I not see this? Were there warning signs? Maybe yes, maybe no, possibly right, it could be you're totally blindsided, but it could have been things like we're off, but you never went to my spouse's having an affair. You're like, oh, maybe they're just stressed, like we sometimes.
Speaker 1:We oftentimes, especially women we just make excuses for our spouse's poor behavior and think, oh, they're just having a bad day, or they're stressed, or work's really rough, or like the kids were up right. It's like we can do that for them, but we don't do it for ourselves. Another thing that shame does. It keeps us isolated and we withdraw from the world and from connection. We don't even want to connect with our spouse because we feel so. We have no self-esteem and it's really hard to seek support and rebuild trust. Right, that feels scary to us.
Speaker 1:But the one thing I love about the internet Instagram and TikTok and all the things is that the things that I used to feel very shameful about. One of them is cooking. Right, like in my mind, every woman loved to cook dinner for her family and, like had multitude of recipes and dinner homemade dinner every night. Like I literally thought this when I was raising my kids because, first of all, I wasn't about to ask anyone else how they felt about dinner, because I had so much shame and so much criticism from my own spouse about this that I just thought I was broken. Like, what was wrong with me here? I wanted to be a mom my entire life and I wanted to be a wife, and then this one simple task in my mind was so challenging for me. And now I know it's pretty much challenging for everyone, because on Instagram, the amount of people that you know are easy recipes, you know complaining or just talking about how it's hard coming up with what to eat and how their husband is like calling them saying, hey, babe, what's for dinner? And they're rolling their eyes like don't ask me again, right? And so I love that because it releases the shame and I know now like I'm not alone. That's why I am very vocal about betrayal is because I don't want anyone to feel alone, as I felt so many years ago and really for years how I felt alone because of my spouse's cheating on me in my mind, thinking I must have married the one guy that is unfaithful. No, there, sadly, are many men and many women out there having affairs and so it's not to like you know, band together and trash talk. It's like, okay, wait, you did this to me. Now I'm going to heal and become stronger and figure this out and maybe we're going to rebuild a marriage, or maybe I'm going to walk away and be amazing without you, right, those things are totally possible.
Speaker 1:So a lot of times there is shame from the affair partner, the person having the affair. I think some people for sure feel guilt, right and remorse after they have an affair. You can tell this by them coming to you and telling you right, usually someone that feels bad about what they did. They come admit it instead of getting caught. It's not always the case, but I think that's a really like a strong sign that maybe they feel bad for what they did. And the difference between guilt guilt is I have done something wrong, whereas shame says I am wrong, I'm a bad person, right. So it's important, I think, to frame it that way. Some people in relationships they have a hard time feeling their emotions. That's why it's so important to learn how to feel your emotions, process your emotions. So are they going to get help? Are they willing to go get help for this thing that they did, the bomb that they blew up your marriage and get help so they can process their emotions. They're not just expecting you to, like, accept what they said and accept their sorry.
Speaker 1:Another thing often that happens when shame is involved is people get defensive and they tend to minimize what they did, because that feels scary for people. I think that, oh, I caused all this pain. Well, let me pretend it wasn't that painful, right, it wasn't that painful because I was having this amazing experience. I was on, you know, having this affair that felt awesome. And now I'm telling you and you're on the floor, devastated, crying for weeks and months and years, right, like, let's try to minimize it, and so that's why people want to blame their partner. Well, if you would have been a better wife or a better spouse, I wouldn't have had to have an affair. Right, that's where this comes in, and this can just make things worse. Right, if you're defensive or minimizing the affair, shame is. It's really hard to connect emotionally when there's shame involved. Right, it creates a barrier to empathy and understanding, making it really hard to reconnect, and so ownership and taking accountability for whatever you did is the way out of this. Right, to have connection, you have to have honesty and courage, and for sure, honesty, I think, is the main one.
Speaker 1:How this impacts your marriage is it's, of course, an erosion of trust. Shame can prevent a couple from rebuilding trust and intimacy after betrayal. I mean, trust is completely shattered and it's going to take a lot of effort on both sides to rebuild the trust. But if you don't get rid of the shame, it's going to be impossible, it's going to be hard to communicate. You're going to have to have those uncomfortable conversations like I talked to last week. Right, shame is like don't say anything, let's not talk about it, let's just sweep it under the rug, pretend it's gone. But that's not going to help. That's just going to make things worse.
Speaker 1:If you find yourself in a cycle right, I call it the shame blame trap, and so many couples are stuck in this trap. If it's like, okay, I feel shame, so I'm going to blame it on you, then that person doesn't want to be blamed and so then they feel shame and it just goes in the circle, right? So even if you don't agree a hundred percent with what your partner thinks you did or thinks the pain they caused, see if there's any portion of it you can agree with, and agree with that part right, and get out of the trap. And how you get out of it is just start owning what you did. Okay, for sure, you're going to need to get a therapist, a coach, someone that is an expert in betrayal. I have gone to many different therapists. The ones, in my opinion, that have experienced betrayal are the best because they can understand how you're feeling. So I just think that is an important aspect. I personally believe, now, if you love your therapist and they're helping, great. Now, if you love your therapist and they're helping, great. But I just think having a therapist or a coach that has this experience, it just could take it to the next level.
Speaker 1:Having open, honest communication I talked about that Having compassion, and if you're ready to forgiveness, right, that can really help rid the shame in your relationship. And the most important thing, I think, for the person that had the affair is to figure out what caused them in the first place and that has nothing to do with their partner. So what inside of them, what were they needing, what were they missing in their life that caused them to step outside their marriage? And figure that out. If they can figure that out, I think it's like pull the root out and replant your marriage. You have much better success and chance to have a stronger marriage. But when you keep that dead root in there and the person that had the affair refuses to own it or think it has anything to do with them, think it's not a big deal whatever. It's going to be really hard to have a strong marriage, if not impossible. So, anyways, that may feel disappointing to hear that, but that's my truth, that's what I believe. You can think differently than me and that's okay. So I just think shame, shame is one of those very insidious emotions. It feels awful to feel shame, but it can just destroy your life and destroy your relationships, destroy your marriage, destroy your relationship with your kids. It just can do a lot of destruction. So, anyways, I hope that was helpful.
Speaker 1:If you like this podcast, please like and share with your family and friends. Leave me a review. I love to hear your thoughts. If you have any ideas for future episodes, please send me a text and I will talk to you soon. Have a great day. If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at hello at lifecoachjenwith1ncom. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at Happily Even After. Coach, let's work together to create your happily even after.