Happily Even After with Life Coach Jen
Happily Even After shares weekly insights and tools to create more fulfilling relationships with yourself, your family and God. Jennifer is a certified life coach that was married for 26 years . She has 4 amazing children and 1 son in law. She doesn’t have it all figured out but she has lots of personal experience and has learned what to do and what not to do in relationships. I help women and men who have experienced betrayal in their marriage or have been divorced learn that their is happiness to be had even when your life doesn't go as planned.
Happily Even After with Life Coach Jen
169: When They're Gone But Still Here: Navigating Post-Betrayal Grief
Grief comes in many forms, but society often ranks and responds to them differently. Research suggests that divorce—particularly after betrayal—can be more painful than losing a spouse to death, though making this claim often raises eyebrows. The key difference lies not in the intensity of pain, but in how we process these losses and how others respond to our suffering.
When someone dies, you're permitted to keep loving them. Your memories remain untainted, and their absence, while devastating, doesn't force you to question if anything was ever real. With divorce after betrayal, every memory becomes suspect. That anniversary trip? Was your spouse texting their affair partner throughout? That family Christmas? Was it all a performance? This questioning of your entire shared history creates a unique form of trauma.
Society's response amplifies this pain. Widows receive casseroles, company at church, and flowers on anniversaries. Divorcees often face silence and isolation. As one client repeatedly expressed, feeling "rejected" compounds the abandonment. Co-parenting requires regularly facing the source of your pain—like voluntarily stepping into fire multiple times weekly. The healing journey demands moving from love to temporary hatred before reaching neutrality, a complex emotional path not required when grieving death.
This isn't about comparing tragedies or diminishing the profound grief of losing a spouse to death. Rather, it's a call for equal compassion and understanding for different forms of loss. Both experiences require deep healing, support, and time. If someone you know is going through divorce, especially after betrayal, consider showing up for them with the same care you'd offer a widow. They're grieving too, just in a different way. Sometimes the person who needs a meal delivered or company on a hard day isn't who we traditionally think needs support—but they're hurting just the same.
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Welcome to my podcast. Happily Even After. I'm life coach, jen. I'm passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It's the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today's podcast.
Speaker 1:So today I'm going to talk about something that may feel controversial for me to say, and you might be like Jennifer, you don't know what you're talking about, but I did some research and there is a lot of research that they say divorce is even more painful than your spouse dying. So I know some of you might disagree with me, especially if you had your spouse die, but I'm just going to talk to you about why I think this is true. Okay, I haven't didn't have my spouse die, but to me I feel like I would have rather had him die, and I know that sounds harsh. And I'm just going to tell you why. And I have had people that I love very much die in my life and I'm just going to tell you why and I have had people that I love very much die in my life and I don't know. We don't necessarily need to compare it Like, oh yeah, well, my tragedy was worse than your tragedy. That's not really what I'm trying to say. I just want you to think, like our society, how we treat divorce versus how we treat death. Okay, both are a mourning, a loss, a grief. We have to feel grief. I think people of course, already know if your spouse or your dad or brother know you're going to feel grief, but I don't think they quite get it. When we get divorced, I don't think people get. The grief is the same and sometimes heavier because that person that you loved is still on earth. Yet now you hate them, right. It's like and I'm not saying you have to hate who you divorce, but you kind of do, in my opinion, to get over the divorce it's like a process, but when someone's spouse dies, you still get to hold on to all those memories of your entire life. They die and you still love them, right, and you still get to enjoy all those memories in divorce. And I'm going to add betrayal If your divorce is because your spouse had an affair, had betrayed you, and then all the things that go along with that emotional abuse, manipulation, lying, just all those toxic behaviors that are usually attached to betrayal. Then you get divorced and then you look at your whole life and you're like was my life real or was that pretend? What part was real? Like every vacation you question, were they having an affair during that vacation? So they were on the vacation but they were texting their mistress back home, right? And so all these things play into this, right, and so all these things play into this. Okay, so that's how I think it feels. Harder and different, maybe, than your spouse dying.
Speaker 1:I recently had a good friend, slash neighbor of mine. Her husband died and it was their wedding anniversary a few days ago and someone sent her flowers, which I think is really sweet. I think I've also have a really good friend. Her husband died I think five years ago now and I think I sent her flowers on her wedding anniversary, or at least I know I've sent her flowers a few times and I'm not telling people like, oh, you should send me flowers, people like, oh, you should send me flowers, but no one, I don't think is sending people flowers on the anniversary when you get divorced, right, even though that is a extremely hard day especially the first anniversary after you get divorced for most people, especially if you were the one that didn't necessarily want it or you were the betrayed partner, right, like for me, I wanted the divorce, but still all those firsts were extremely hard for me and my kids, right, the birthdays, the Christmases, the Thanksgiving, all those were really hard.
Speaker 1:And so I think our society, we think of the oh, the widow or the widower. Those are really hard and maybe acknowledge it more than the divorcee, and we don't need to change. I just want you to be aware, especially if you have people in your life that are divorced, maybe start thinking about it differently. Maybe that is hard and it's like well, aren't they glad to be rid of so-and-so yes, and it's still sex and it's still hurtful. And it's like, well, aren't they glad to be rid of so-and-so yes, and it's still sex and it's still hurtful and it's still hard. Okay, and especially if you have kids I was talking to my kids about this because I think that they, for them too, it might have been better had their dad died, because people might have like, like, come to help them, whereas, oh, your parents are getting divorced. Let's stop talking to them.
Speaker 1:It kind of felt like that to them, and it's not only your dad's getting divorced. Your dad had an affair and is getting remarried to his affair partner, right? So it just. It's almost like people just don't know what to say and so, instead of saying anything, they say nothing and avoid you. Right, that goes back to we don't know what to say, and so, instead of saying anything, they say nothing and avoid you. Right, that goes back to we don't like to feel uncomfortable, so let's not say anything that could maybe really help someone. Okay, loving someone that doesn't love you back and choosing someone else is devastating Things you feel when you get divorced.
Speaker 1:You feel abandoned, unwanted, unlovable, rejected, as one of my clients keeps on saying. I just feel rejected, and so that's really hard. You feel all those things, and so you're in that moment, if you can imagine yourself like here you've gotten divorced and then no one calls, no one comes over, no one's bringing you dinner, no one's saying anything to you, but on the flip side, if your spouse had died, you're getting meals brought in, people are coming sitting by you at church, they're texting you right, it's just different. So maybe I'm just trying to get us to think about this. Think about my friend at church she never sits alone and I usually am the one that tries to sit by her because I'm sitting alone and but someone, if I show up a little bit late, someone has already gone to sit by her and then I go, you know, and I'm not mad, I'm not sad, I'm not feeling sorry for myself, but like, is someone making the effort? Like, oh, that woman, she's just got divorced. Maybe let's really try to make sure she sits by someone, right? I don't know if we're thinking that. I haven't had that experience and I'm not judging anyone. I'm just having you think about it For me, my healing journey for me, and divorce I still loved my husband when I divorced him and I know that sounds crazy because, yeah, he caused me lots of pain, but I still loved him.
Speaker 1:I really still. I wanted to stay married and I thought surely he could change, but he didn't, and so I was okay getting divorced. Thought surely he could change, but he didn't, and so I was okay getting divorced. But when you love someone, it's like for me, I had to go to the complete opposite end and try to hate him. And how I did that was I had a notes app and I put everything horrible that he did, all the lies, all the women, all the things right. Anytime I had a memory pop up and I thought, oh my gosh, I can't believe he did that, put it in there. So in the moments at midnight or two in the morning where I would wake up crying or sad or like, oh my gosh, why did this happen to me? I would read those and be like, okay, I remind myself that's why I got divorced. So it's like almost I had to hate him. Then I don't like hating people and I really don't hate the guy. I feel bad for him. So it's then I had to bring myself back to neutral, right? So then I'm not triggered by him. I really had to work on that. But I believe you totally can, going from loving someone to hating them, to feeling neutral about them. That's where I'm at today.
Speaker 1:When someone dies, when your spouse dies, you don't have to do that. You get to stay loving them. You can like even remarry someone else and be like, oh my gosh, I still love my spouse, and that's endearing and sweet and kind and have loving thoughts with your kids and talk about them. I can't even talk about my former spouse with my kids, right? So it's just, it's like a whole part of my life that I don't talk about with people and no one talks about it with me really, really besides my mom and my dad, because he still forgets that I'm divorced sometimes. So he'll bring it up and ask me questions, but anyways. So I just want you to be aware how this could be painful for someone that is divorced.
Speaker 1:Another hard thing is that you can still see them. You still have to co-parent, especially if your kids are little. You still have to see this person that caused you so much pain all the time. So it's like, okay, let me go step in the fire three times a week or two times a week. Now for sure we can get through that pain and love them to hate them, to neutral, right. But that's going to take some time and it's going to take a lot of work and a lot of energy and a lot of intentional awareness to do that. Lots of therapy, lots of coaching. So of course, that's the ideal. So it's not that way forever.
Speaker 1:But the beginning of the divorce is hard. Those people need just as much support as someone that is a widow that their spouse dies. In my opinion, they need help. They can't get out of bed. I had a lot of help. I had. I have someone that cleans my house, someone that does my yard through my divorce Thank goodness, because I don't know what would have happened, right. But there's a lot of people that are not as privileged as me and don't have that opportunity. So it's like they still have to do the laundry, still have to get their kids ready, take them places, take care of them, and when you're divorced, you're devastated and it's really hard to do all that. So maybe consider if you have a sister, a friend that got divorced. Maybe they actually do need help. You have to grieve someone like they died, right, but they're still alive. I kind of was talking about the support. So just there's, I think, a lack of support with divorced people and a lot more support with widows, and maybe that's okay. Of course it's okay, like I'm grateful, like thank goodness, help everyone that their spouse died, for sure. But maybe let's consider and change the narrative a little bit, like maybe people that get divorced also need our help. They need our support, right?
Speaker 1:I think people do treat you differently, right, it's like more of like, oh, you're a widow, like, oh, you're divorced, hmm, I wonder what's wrong, like I even kind of think that. Still, it's like, oh, what happened to you, why did you get divorced? And I'm thinking that's me, I got divorced and so the stigma I think is still there a little bit in our society. If you disagree, please tell me. I want to know, I want to hear what you're thinking. I think divorce it's like what did you do wrong? A little bit right, did you do something wrong? Maybe? I think even people that are married, all marriages are complicated, right, it's just the divorce it's more of an announcement to the world. Like our marriage for sure didn't work out. We decided to end it. But I do love that.
Speaker 1:I was in a group, in a mastermind of coaches and I announced I had been with them for a year. My last meeting, in-person meeting I announced it it was with Jodi Moore and like 25 other coaches and friends, and I announced my divorce and everyone stood up and clapped and honestly, that was so validating and it felt amazing that these peers who were many of them my same religion, all Christian, you know believe in marriage, right, supported marriage, and they all stood up and cheered for me and they were so proud of me. That felt amazing, like I was, like I didn't know that that would feel so good, but it did, and so I just think, yeah, divorce is sad but it's also like a liberation, like finally you stood up for yourself, you had courage to walk out on a very emotionally abusive marriage. So I think both ways we can look at it. So what are your actions and your thoughts?
Speaker 1:Just, I think it's good who's ever listening to this is to kind of consider like, do you think about divorce and death differently? Do you know someone that died? Like how did you react to them? Versus how did you react to your friend or your brother, something getting divorced? Like maybe there's things you would like to do differently. Start doing just things that you could implement right To help people, because we all need each other's help. Healing is the way to get to the other side of divorce and death. I think both you need healing. Both are devastating, both are hard. They're just a different heart, so not comparing them, just different, and so healing from them is important to do.
Speaker 1:And on the last note, just because I am starting to date a little bit. I even find myself like I like I don't know if I would want to marry a widow and I know I put lots of things I don't want to marry or don't want to date because I'm like they're going to be like, oh, I still really love my spouse, but I'm like I just don't feel the same way, right, and do I want to marry someone that's still in love with their spouse that died? I don't know, and it's not that I need my, if I do choose to get married for them to hate their spouse. Like I don't hate my former spouse, right? I just I'm glad I'm not married to him, but I don't know, I just think it's an interesting dynamic. I'm like I feel like widows are better off to marry each other, but I may be wrong about that, I don't know.
Speaker 1:I just was thinking about it. I think it might be a little, just bit more challenging, right, and then the kids are always going to be carrying. Well, you're not anything like your mom. Now, that could totally happen with someone that's divorced too, but it just you have different emotions when someone dies versus getting divorced, and especially when you get divorced because of betrayal.
Speaker 1:Anyways, those are deep thoughts from me that I've been thinking about, and so I would love to know what you're thinking, if you agree with me, if you disagree with me. I love when people disagree with me. It happens sometimes, especially on Instagram, and it's usually men that disagree with me, which I find fascinating. But anyways, if you liked this podcast, I would love for you to share it with your family and friends and have a beautiful week, and I will talk to you next week. If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at. Hello at life coach Jen with one ncom, follow me on Instagram and Facebook at happily even after coach. Let's work together to create your happily even after.