Happily Even After with Life Coach Jen
Happily Even After shares weekly insights and tools to create more fulfilling relationships with yourself, your family and God. Jennifer is a certified life coach that was married for 26 years . She has 4 amazing children and 1 son in law. She doesn’t have it all figured out but she has lots of personal experience and has learned what to do and what not to do in relationships. I help women and men who have experienced betrayal in their marriage or have been divorced learn that their is happiness to be had even when your life doesn't go as planned.
Happily Even After with Life Coach Jen
176: Healing Intimacy After Betrayal
The journey through betrayal trauma requires navigating countless emotional landmines, but perhaps none more complex than rebuilding physical intimacy. What happens when your mind says yes but your body screams no? When desire conflicts with fear? When connection feels simultaneously necessary and dangerous?
Drawing from personal experience and professional expertise as a trauma-informed coach, I explore ten critical aspects of post-betrayal intimacy that most relationship advice overlooks. We dive deep into why some betrayed partners seek more physical connection while others freeze at the thought of touch, examining how our nervous systems register betrayal as a threat to survival. This biological understanding helps explain why reconnection requires more than just willpower or good intentions.
The conversation challenges common misconceptions about affairs, particularly the harmful notion that insufficient sex causes infidelity. Most affairs stem from emotional needs, entitlement, or escapism rather than physical dissatisfaction – understanding this reality helps both partners approach healing more effectively. We examine how blame-shifting around intimacy ("I wouldn't have cheated if we had more sex") manipulatively distorts issues of consent and safety, preventing genuine repair.
Rather than rushing toward sexual reconnection, I offer practical strategies for rebuilding intimacy gradually through sustained eye contact, meaningful conversation, and non-sexual touch. These seemingly small steps help recondition your nervous system to associate your partner with safety rather than threat. Most importantly, you'll learn why saying "not yet" can be an act of self-protection and relationship preservation, not rejection or punishment. Your healing journey deserves patience, understanding, and a pathway to intimacy built on genuine safety rather than obligation.
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Welcome to my podcast Happily, even After. I'm life coach, jen. I'm passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It's the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today's podcast.
Speaker 1:So this comes up so much, I think, in betrayal, and that is intimacy. Either people struggle with it, or they don't, or the spouse that had an affair struggles with it. Intimacy definitely is a problem, and it might have been a problem before the affair, right? I think there's lots of couples at least you know the things I'm reading and listening to that struggle. Either we're not having enough sex, we're having too much sex, I'm not attracted to you, whatever. There's intimacy issues, right. And then somehow sometimes people that have affairs think oh, I'm solving this problem. Oh, no, you're making your problem so much worse. I came up with 10 points that I kind of want to discuss about intimacy after betrayal. So the first one is intimacy becomes a coping mechanism for some, and I can totally see this in myself and other people. So, after betrayal, some betrayed partners seek sex to feel wanted, regain, control or test if they're still desirable, or even test like are they still having an affair? Even test like are they still having an affair? Because surely my spouse wouldn't be having sex with me and the affair partner Just so you know that's a lie they surely would. And it's not necessarily about desire, it's about fear, loss, abandonment or rejection. So I for sure did this, I for sure did this, I for sure wanted to still have sex with my husband, even though I knew he had an affair, right. So for some people they're like don't ever touch me again, get away from me. For me, I did the opposite. It's like I felt like I sold out because I wanted to feel that love and like, oh you know, maybe if he just felt how close we were and how amazing we were together. But the mistake we make as a society and as a people is that affairs are about sex. Yes, that's part of it, but that's not the reason. Usually it's about insecurity, need for outside validation, like so many other things.
Speaker 1:Okay, number two freezing or avoidance is a trauma response. Okay, so our body when we have betrayal happen, we have betrayal trauma. So our body is reacting to how we're feeling right and we oftentimes freeze. So if our body feels unsafe, we become frozen. So betrayal trauma can trigger a fight, flight or freeze response, making closeness feel dangerous or overwhelming. Remember our brains trying to tell us like, are we getting chased by a bear? And when we've experienced betrayal, it feels like we are getting chased by a bear and we're going to die. So learning to create safety in your body is going to be key to be able to be intimate with your partner again. If you are trying to stay married right, so I just want you to pay attention. Or if you're going to ever want to get remarried and be with someone, right, because it's going to feel like danger, your body has this reaction. So we have to be able to regain safety within ourselves.
Speaker 1:Number three consent must be rebuilt, not assumed. I think people think well, we're married. Doesn't that mean they feel safe? Giving access to their body? Aren't we allowed? Absolutely not. After betrayal, emotional safety must come before physical intimacy. So you're going to have to take this slow and I know that feels scary for both partners, especially the betrayed partner. But if you do not feel comfortable being physical with your spouse, that's normal, that's okay. You've got to create that emotional safety first and if your spouse wants to repair their marriage, they're going to do that. They're going to be able to answer your questions. They're going to help you feel emotionally safe so then you can eventually feel physically safe with them.
Speaker 1:Number four affairs are rarely about sex. I just talked about this for a second. Saying we weren't having enough sex oversimplifies the issue. So if that's what your spouse told you of why they had an affair, it's a lie. It's not all of it. Most affairs are about unmet emotional needs, entitlement, avoidance or escapism, not a lack of intercourse. So saying that it's very unhelpful and it's going to not help your intimacy. And even if someone's just looking at pornography or having an emotional affair, that's why emotional affairs are so dangerous and complicated. It's because you're becoming emotionally intimate with someone Right. So pay attention to that.
Speaker 1:Number five blame around intimacy is manipulative. I wouldn't have cheated if we had more sex. It's blame shifting. It ignores the betrayer's personal responsibility and distorts the issue of consent and safety. So if you are getting blamed, it is not okay and it's not even true, right? Yes, there are people that have intimacy issues before the affair, after the affair, post affair, all the things.
Speaker 1:But it's your job. So if you were withholding sex for whatever reason, it's probably because you didn't feel emotionally safe or you didn't feel safe. So that's the case. It is your job to figure out the why you're doing things. I think, especially in a marriage, that is part of marriage is sex. But for you to be blamed for their affair is not okay and it's not even true. But if you do want to rebuild your marriage and you, unless you've both decided no, we're going to be celibate for the rest of our lives, that's a mutual decision. But if, like, one of you is refusing and one of you wants to have sex, you've. It's your job. You need to figure out what's going on for you and work that out. Why don't you feel safe? What's going on for you? And you can't then blame your spouse, right? This blaming is not going to get you anywhere, it's just going to keep you stuck in a bad cycle.
Speaker 1:Number six the body remembers the betrayal. Even if someone wants to reconnect sexually, their body may say no. Betrayal impacts the nervous system and healing takes time and intention, and I'm going to say this for the person that betrayed you as well. Right, like I hated this, but I think your spouse is having an affair with someone else. They almost become accustomed to that person, right, that's why it's such an awful thing, because then, if they've stopped having the affair and want to come back to you, our body remembers things that we've done and things that we've said. And if you're out of alignment in that way, your body's going to remember and it's going to be hard for you to connect. And so it's not your spouse's problem, it's your problem to fix.
Speaker 1:Number seven pressure to reconnect can re-traumatize. So so often and we've done it, I've done it to myself it's like, oh my gosh, he's back, I'm so happy and we're going to be able to make this work and so let's have lots of sex. That's not going to be the way to heal. Sex is not the way to heal. It can be healing to reconnect with your spouse and become more intimate with them, but it can really deepen the hurt and reinforce the feeling that intimacy is transactional and or owed. We don't owe anyone, it doesn't need to be transactional. Well, it's unhealthy for it to be transactional and I think a lot of women I'm just going to speak because I'm a woman we have a lot of transactional duty. Sex Men do too, right, and so whether they've had an affair or not, I think just in marriages it's like oh, my spouse is grumpy, well, maybe if I have sex then he'll be in a better mood, right, and I can get what I want or whatever right, like it's just really bad form, it's bad for your marriage, it's not healthy. So if you're finding yourself, this is what you're doing you need to get outside help. You need to figure this out, because this part of your marriage it's a small part, but it's everything if it's not working and you're not able to connect intimately with your spouse.
Speaker 1:Number eight rebuilding trust, takes emotional safety first, and I think emotional safety is maybe a newer term and we've just named it this, but it's a feeling and you have to know when you feel it and you're there and how to make someone feel emotionally safe. You can't make anyone feel emotionally safe, but you have to create the environment. Physical intimacy can only return in a meaningful way when there is emotional repair, empathy and accountability. Okay. So if your spouse doesn't have empathy, isn't willing to be accountable and you're trying to figure out why isn't this working, why doesn't this feel the same, or what's going on. What's wrong with me? It's not you, it's your spouse, who had an affair, who's refusing to take accountability, to have any compassion for you, and so it's something. It's kind of, I guess, a warning sign like oh, this is interesting, right, because you can't force emotional safety and your body knows. Number nine intimacy can be redefined. Number nine intimacy can be redefined.
Speaker 1:After betrayal, couples may need to redefine intimacy, starting with eye contact, non-sexual touch, open conversations before moving back into sexual closeness. I think this is so powerful and I don't think we talk about it enough. A lot of people think intimacy equals sex. Right, intimacy can equal so many things. You've got to have the conversation about it. I have a client and she wasn't interested in having any physical touch with her husband and it's a problem right for their marriage, but he was unfaithful. It's complicated and I just think just start small. Start with hey, I'm going to hold my spouse's hand for 10 minutes, see how that feels, see if my body can acclimate to holding hands with my spouse. When you get there, maybe it becomes more natural. Hey, maybe I'm going to grab their arm and snuggle with them on the couch. That's an intimate experience.
Speaker 1:And see if your body because you have to get your body and your mind connected in order to be intimate with someone so if your body can calm down and feel close with that person while you're clothed, snuggling on the couch, great step. Do that for a week or two, maybe. Give a hug, but not a side hug or a, you know, just a deep, meaningful hug for 10 seconds. And if you have to count, that's okay. You know, you can just be like I'm just going to try to give a 10 second hug and get your body to calm down and connect with your spouse's body. You have to do small baby steps before you can just jump in, because then you're just doing it for all the wrong reasons and it's going to be more hurtful and harmful to you and your marriage than if you just start off slow. So I think you might have to redefine like, hey, we're going to just take baby steps and I promise your body's going to remember how to do all the things you didn't forget, you remember, but you've got to feel safe to do each of those things. The last one, number 10, you can say not yet and still be loving.
Speaker 1:I think we live in fear of telling someone the truth of hey, I'm just not ready to go there yet because we're so fearful that our spouse will feel rejected and then go running into the arms of their affair partner, and that's a valid fear. However, if that is what happens, that will tell you something very important for you to see and know is my spouse isn't willing to sit with me in my discomfort and hear that I'm not ready and love me enough to support me. Do you want to be married to someone like that? Is that who you want to be married to? And really think about that. If it just takes you saying no a few times and they can't handle it, that's on them. That is not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. It is okay. We need to get used to handling rejection and it's not even. Let's not make it mean we're rejected. We're just saying you know, not tonight.
Speaker 1:I, I have some more healing I need to do and I just I can't, my body won't and I don't want to hurt myself. I don't want to hurt the progress we've made. True intimacy can't grow in that environment. So if that's the environment you find yourself in, I would just decide like is this really the person that I want to be married to, that isn't willing to sit with me in my discomfort and my pain and just hold me right? And I promise, no one's ever died from lack of sex, right? It's just not a thing Like we act like. It's like food or water I think men get a bad rap for this, but it's not.
Speaker 1:You're going to die if you don't eat and you're going to die if you don't drink water. You are not going to die from lack of sex, and so we've got to learn that and learn like okay, what are some other ways that we can connect? Now they say babies like that are not held from lack of connection. So we do need the connection. But you can connect in so many ways without actually having intercourse, and so you might need to be creative and come up with some of those ways until your body can feel safe enough to move through that.
Speaker 1:And if you're using it as a punishment, that is very unhealthy and that's like weaponizing your body, right? Is that really who you want to be? Is that the kind of person you want to be, and if it is, I would just do a real big self-check. And it could be your spouse isn't going to put up with that. And so I think we use sex a lot in our society, I think in marriages as weapons, as ways to get what we want.
Speaker 1:It's just a very unhealthy way to do this. It's very unhelpful and very harmful and very hurtful and I wouldn't suggest it. So just get really honest with yourself. And I've done many of these things, I've made many of these mistakes and I'm not proud, but it's just how I felt, right, like I was so desperate for my husband to love me and to come back, and the thought of him being with another woman. It's like wait a second, like what's wrong with me, and so doing things out of my comfort zone or that I didn't necessarily want to do, or I wasn't in the mood to do them, only because I'm hoping you will see me, you will love me, and anyways, it's just it's not going to help you. So find what works for you.
Speaker 1:If you just need to start holding hands, do that Okay. I promise you can connect with someone or look into each other's eyes or just snuggle on the couch, right, that's a good way to connect and start. Hopefully, this was helpful. If you have any questions or anything you want to say or disagree with me or input, feel free. You can text me in the show notes, you can send me a text, you can send me an email. I love for people to engage with me on social media Instagram, tiktok, facebook, all the things. Hopefully this was helpful. If you liked it, please share it with your family and friends and I will talk to you next week. If you want to learn how to live happily even after sign up for my email at hello at life coach jen with one ncom, follow me on instagram and facebook at happily even after coach. Let's work together to create your happily even after.