Happily Even After with Life Coach Jen

183: Learn to say "No" in November: Make it Your Superpower

• Jennifer Townsend • Season 4 • Episode 183

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Want more peace, less pressure, and a holiday season that actually supports your healing? We dive into the art of saying no—how to read your body’s signals, stop fear-driven yeses, and make choices that protect your energy without guilt. Drawing from Jen’s personal experiences with betrayal, divorce, and recovery, we unpack what happens when we ignore our instincts and how simple, compassionate boundaries can change everything.

You’ll hear real moments where a no could have prevented years of resentment, and where a clear yes created growth and connection. We explore the nervous system cues that signal misalignment—tight chest, dread, and urgency—versus the grounded calm that marks a true yes. From church callings to family obligations to social invites, Jen offers short, kind scripts for declining and shows how to handle the inevitable FOMO with clarity and grace. We also cover the hidden emotional cost of overcommitment, especially during the holidays, and why planning priorities now will save your energy later.

Then we zoom into micro no’s that rebuild self-trust: skipping doomscrolling, not texting the ex, avoiding over-explaining, and refusing self-criticism that keeps old wounds open. You’ll learn how to create win-wins, choose what genuinely matters, and give your future self the gift of rest and presence. If you’ve struggled with people-pleasing after betrayal or feel pulled in five directions at once, this is a practical, compassionate guide to choosing yourself without burning bridges.

If this conversation helps, share it with a friend who needs permission to set a boundary, hit follow for more tools on healing after betrayal, and leave a review with the one boundary you’re committing to this month. Your voice helps others find the support they need.

Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.

Email me: hello@lifecoachjen.com for any comments or questions.

Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.

My website is www.lifecoachjen.com



SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to my podcast, Happily Even After. I'm Life Coach Jen. I'm passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It's the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes, and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal, but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today's podcast. Happy November. And I've been thinking about this, doing this podcast for like several months when I thought about it, but we are going to learn the art of the no that is in November. And especially because it's the holidays, right? And we're bombarded with lots of things that we feel like we have to do, we should do, we need to do. And it can be really overwhelming and stressful. And so what if learning to say no becomes your superpower and you can learn to be okay with it? And I know that's really hard for people to imagine. I know I mentioned my son and his friends last week, but at that same dinner that we were at, I was, you know, I brought up my podcast and both my sons were looking at me like, mom, don't talk about your podcast because they know what my podcast is about. But I'm like, no, give me a second. And I just asked them all the question, what is it hard for you to say no to? And the first boy, he said, my phone. And I thought that was so fascinating because I didn't even go there. And another boy said, their mom. And I can see that. And also for me, it's really hard for me to say no to my kids, especially about certain things. I think for kids, like if we're thinking about kids, like and even parents, me, doing chores versus going to a movie and dinner with my friends or my kids, right? Like who who wants to choose chores? No one. Who wants to do their homework before going to hang out with their friends? No one. But sometimes, right, we need to choose that. And we often have a hard time saying no or yes because of obligation, right? I have a hard time saying no to sugary things like sweets. And I wish that was easier for me. So I think there's lots of reasons why it's hard to say no. No feels like a negative sometimes, but in many ways, if we reframe it, it really is a positive, right? So we view no as being wrong or bad or like we don't like being told no. But what if we're just wrong about how we're thinking about it? There are benefits to saying no. Okay. So in this episode, I want to teach you some of the benefits. I want to teach you how to tell when to say no, like listening to your body. So a few things of personal things, times when I wish I would have kept to my no, right? I've told the story, you know, in 2018 when I found out my husband was having another affair and he actually asked me for a divorce, but it wasn't because he was having an affair, right? Like we he left that part out, but my body knew like he wasn't just asking me to get divorced, like out of the blue, while I'm at Disney World with his two of our sons, like, really, that's the right time to ask for divorce. Anyways, I filed for divorce and I think I waffled for sure, right? Like I, in my mind, like looking back, now we can't change our past, so I'm just gonna accept my past. But I wish, like, I did say no, like, no, I'm not going to allow you to treat me like this anymore. And I was getting divorced, but I waffled. And then I let him, we we chose to reconcile and come back into my life. But my instinct was, I need to be done with this, right? I can't allow someone to treat me like this anymore. And so that's a moment in time that I wish I could have said, no, this is not okay. What you're doing is not okay. But that felt really scary. Another thing in my life that I've really taught you never say no when someone calls you to a calling. So I'm talking about church here. In my church, there's no paid clergy or paid, I call them callings or you know, things that you do. And so you just get asked to do something. And my family taught me that you'd never say no. It's like saying no that God has asking you to do this, and you're telling God no. Well, I don't believe this anymore. Like for me, it is okay to say no because sometimes the person asking you to do something, you're just filling in, or they need someone to be put into the spot, or they don't know your whole situation. And so I have a moment that it was like an outer body experience, but I was being asked to be put into the nursery, which is kids that are like three and younger, three to 18 months. And I'm pretty sure I had a child in this. I might have been pregnant, or I just my youngest was in nursery. And of course, I said yes, but I resented it and hated it however long I was in that calling, probably for like two years. And I'm just mad at myself because I was so sad. I needed connection with other women so bad at this time. My life was a mess, but I was pretending it was amazing. And I wish I would have said no. That would have meant like I stood up for me, said no, like this is what I need. Like I was ignoring my needs to fill a spot in the nursery. There was a million, not a million, but there were many, many other people they could have called if I would have said no. And it was a very low point in my life. And I think that just made me, it just made those two years very, very hard for me. Another thing that I recently did, I went to Italy on a retreat. And I have learned after getting divorced and going through the betrayals that I've been through to really listen to my body. And I'm a very fast decision maker. And so I really check in with my body. And last year, when I was presented with this opportunity to go to Italy on a retreat, it was an immediate yes. I just knew I was supposed to go too. And now, you know, fast forward, I did just get back, and it was right after my son's friend had been murdered. There was a lot going on. I was very sad. I was thinking, why did I say yes to this? But like I knew like I was meant to be there. And it was an amazing time, an amazing trip. I'm so glad I said yes. But then they're doing another retreat, a very similar retreat next year. And of course, everyone's like, you're going, you're going, you're going, right? And I just, when I got that, I felt like it was a no. And it was really fun. Like, I don't know why it's a no, but this time around, it's a no. And I really like, I actually try to talk myself into it all weekend because, you know, I was like, it would be fun. It's not till next year, whatever. But I just, I'm like, no, I've got to trust myself. I'm practicing trusting myself. And this time, for whatever reason, it's a no. And I don't know why. And I may never know why, but I'm just gonna trust that it's a no. And am I gonna miss out on something? Maybe, probably, I don't know. But what if something better has come along? So I think that's one reason why we're scared of missing out or missing something. But I've just learned that I've got to trust myself. In my marriage, I completely lost the ability to listen to my gut from all of the emotional abuse that I'd been exposed to for the 26 years that I was married. And I became a shell of a person. And I just refuse to do that anymore. I refuse to be something that I'm not and to really listen. Now I I've learned to trust myself more than what other people want me to do, right? Because everyone else in the group, there was 20 other women, they're like, come, come, you know, you've got to do this. But which I really love that, that they want me to be there. But I just for whatever reason feel like it's a no. So I'm just trying to give you examples. So just know it is hard to say no, but you can learn so much about yourself when you practice. And it's gonna make it easier as you do practice. Just really paying attention to how your body communicates with you. Listen to the cues. Oftentimes, when you should say no, like maybe your chest gets tight or you get some anxiety or dread, right? It's like a warning sign. Your body's trying to tell you, like, say no. And then sometimes when you need to say yes, you're like more grounded and calm. That's for sure how I feel, but you need to pay attention to how you feel. And saying no doesn't necessarily mean like there's danger coming, right? It just that's just something in your body that like maybe you should say no to this. Sometimes saying yes keeps you stuck. And what I mean by that, like the emotional cost of overcommitting yourself can make you sick, can burn you out, especially while you're healing, right? We want to just say yes to all these things so we can just stay busy and not have to feel any feelings. But that's a sign that you need to step back and say no. When you care more about other people, what they think and feel about you, then your well-being. This is the great, you know, this goes back to accepting to be the nursery leader when every part of me wanted to say no to that. And I cared more about what the person calling me to that, all the other people in my church, what they would think of me, like anyone would know. I mean, maybe a few people, but why did I care more about them than myself and my emotional state at that time that they didn't know about? If there's fear behind the yes, you need to say no. If you have fear of rejection or loss or conflict that keeps you from saying no, right? The holidays are coming up and you are going to have five things scheduled on the same night. You need to make a plan. Like, plan for this now. What are you gonna do? What are the most important things to you? And is it the end of the world to miss your child's? They might have like five days they're doing a play. Maybe just decide, you know what, I'm gonna go to one day and I don't need to go to all five days. It doesn't mean you're a bad mom. It just means you have other things to do. Or if you have five things scheduled on the same night, choose the most important. You don't have to go to everything. It's impossible, right? You're gonna wear yourself out and you're the holidays are gonna be miserable for you. You're not even gonna enjoy it because you're just saying yes to things you want to say no to. You're lying to yourself. If you, you know, if you have a real need, you haven't had a lot of alone time or opportunities with your friends, but you have all this family obligation. It's okay to say no to your family. They'll get over it. They might be mad, but that's because that's what they're thinking. You need to make sure you take care of you first. You're the only one in charge of taking care of you. And if you don't do it, no one else is going to because they're trying to meet their needs and taking care of them. They like you, so they invited you, but sometimes you just can't make it, and that's okay. Choosing your needs sometimes is the better choice. So really get clear on what you need and what you don't need during the holidays. You aren't saying no to your child if you are saying yes to you. So I think a lot of times we are like, oh, we can't tell them no. But sometimes, yes, you can. Kids can hear the word no and they're gonna be fine and they're gonna survive. And sometimes they need to hear the word no. How can you make things a win-win? Right. I think it's really important. Like, how can you make it possible for you to do all the things you want to do?

unknown:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

Things that you gain when you say no, you're gonna have more energy and peace and clarity and time for what actually heals you and helps you. So just be really aware of when you're saying no versus when you're saying yes. And it your yes needs to be a definite yes. Not like, well, maybe, or okay, and you overcommit yourself. Like that's miserable. You're frantically running around. I've done it so many times in my life. And now I have a much slower-paced life. I think it's my age and the age of my kids. But I have learned the art of no. And I'm so grateful. I'm still learning it with my kids, I think. I'm still working on that one. But for the most part, I've learned the art of no. Micro no's matter. So just little no's. Things like um saying no if you've experienced betrayal, like saying no to, okay, I'm not going to doom scroll or over-explain myself or text your ex. You don't need to text them. I promise you. So many times I come to this conclusion. I rarely communicate texting or calling with my ex. If I do, I have decided. I used to want to do just an email, but I'm like, he's not going to see the email. He'll see a text. But most issues, now I get if you have smaller kids, this is going to be different. But for me, my kids are older. I never have a need. Usually, rarely. I mean, it is rare. And so I just do a check-in with myself. And I'm like, oh no, that's a no. But little things that you want to try to stop or um work on, right? Just say no. Like, no, I'm not going to ruin my holiday thinking about all the ways my spouse lied to me, or thinking about all the ways that I wasn't good enough for them, or thinking about all the ways that I didn't support them. Right. That it's just no. You don't need to do that. I think if you have been betrayed, like I've already done an episode about this with consent. You get to choose if you want to be intimate with your spouse or not, right? Like just pay attention to your body. It could sometimes be a yes and sometimes be a no. Or for me, I mean, I recently went to a dance. Going to a dance in your 50s is like an interesting experience. I do love to dance. So that part was fun. But like I told my friend, I'm like, I'm not dancing with anyone. And she's like, that's so mean. What if someone asks you? I'm like, no, it's not. I am a 54-year-old woman. I can say no to someone. And if that guy can't handle the no, that's on him. And I did say yes to someone that I'm like, after I started talking to him, I was like, oh my gosh, like, no. So yeah, just it's okay. Like if you hurt someone's feelings, you're, I wasn't mean. I was just kind, but like, no, no, thank you. I'm going out outside. I'm really hot. So yeah, just be really clear. You don't have to just say yes because you feel bad for the person. That's a terrible reason to say yes. Like, focus on you. Oftentimes, betrayal can make you a yes person because you're trying to control and get approval to feel safe and loved. I mean, yes, this was this was me, my marriage. Yeah, like I really struggled with this a lot. And so if you find like you're struggling with it, if you're still married, like really try to get clear like, what am I still okay with doing and what am I not okay with doing? Right. Like creating that in your mind and it's switching up the dance. That's what I always like to tell my clients. You're switching up the dance, but sometimes the dance needs to be changed. You've been doing this this way for a very long time, and it's time to change your dance steps. And so you're gonna throw a no in and it's gonna shock the person, but stand firm to what you want and don't want. I think learning to say no gracefully, like thank you for thinking of me, but I'm focusing on healing right now, or, you know, I'm I'm really not interested in doing that, but thanks so much for inviting me. I really appreciate it. Or I can't make it, but please invite me again, right? You don't have to be mean about no. There are kinder ways to say a no, but always bring it back to you. Make sure you're getting your needs met first. And really, the other great thing that you could learn to say no to are your self-deprecating thoughts and your self-criticism. Like, would you talk to your best friend like you do yourself? I'm guessing the answer is no. So, why are you talking to you in that same way? So decide, I'm not gonna do this anymore. If I have nothing nice to say to myself, then I'm just not gonna say it or think it. And practice, right? You're not gonna be perfect at this. It's gonna be a struggle sometimes, but I promise you can stop talking to yourself. Like I rarely anymore have negative self-thoughts about me. And that is huge because they used to be in my mind, lived in my mind 24-7 with a spouse that often, all the time, confirmed those thoughts that I had about myself. Because he would say them out loud. And I would still believe them. And I would think he he must know. I married the guy. He must know that, you know, I am a terrible person or whatever, right? I am overweight. I don't look perfect. I, you're right, I didn't get dinner on the table and I didn't go to the grocery store and our bread is moldy. Sorry, but I don't do that anymore. I mean, well, I rarely do that. I'm not gonna say that I don't do that anymore because I'm not perfect, but I rarely do that. And if I do it, I catch myself. And I'm like, you know what? I'm human. I make human mistakes and that's okay. So I'm just gonna challenge you for the month of November to learn the art of no. And if it's not a absolutely yes, I'm dying to do this, I really want to go to the play with my friend or Thanksgiving dinner with my family, and I want to bring 10 pies, but I'm fine with it, right? If that's a hard guess, great. But if you're asked to bring food or cookies or whatever, right? Throw the party and you're not feeling it, you can say no or you can come up with a better way, a different way, so you're not doing all the work. And pay attention to how your body feels. Really listen to your body. Get good at doing that because it's going to serve you well and it's going to bless your life. Anyways, I hope this helps. Have a beautiful November. If you like this podcast, please share it and like it and love for you to leave a comment. Have a great day. Talk to you next week. If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at hello at lifecoachgen with onen.com. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at happily even after coach. Let's work together to create your happily even after.