Happily Even After Betrayal with Life Coach Jen

185: How To Process Pain After Betrayal

• Jennifer Townsend • Season 4 • Episode 185

Share episode

Send us a text

Pain doesn’t disappear when we bury it; it waits. When betrayal blasts through your life, your nervous system scrambles to protect you—numbing out, flaring into rage, or gripping control. We unpack why those instincts are normal and how to move past them without shaming yourself. I share a vulnerable story about jealousy and exclusion, and how processing the feeling—not fixing it—shifted my day in under an hour. The goal isn’t to stop emotions; it’s to stop fighting them so they can move.

We break down the four common responses to emotion: resistance, reactivity, avoidance, and processing. You’ll hear how shoulds create judgment and shame, why blame and defensiveness feel powerful but backfire, and how avoidance masquerades as control through busyness, scrolling, and minimizing. Then we get practical: simple steps to name what you feel, notice where it lives in your body, breathe through the wave, and let it pass. Acceptance isn’t approval; it’s choosing to stop arguing with reality so you can build what comes next. That shift trains your nervous system that feeling is safe again and turns pain into usable data.

If you’ve been betrayed by a partner, this conversation offers compassionate tools for emotional regulation, self-trust, and post-betrayal growth. You’ll learn how to repair after reacting, shorten the gap between trigger and truth, and transform stuck energy into forward motion. Healing begins the moment you feel what’s true. Listen, reflect, and try one small practice today—name a feeling, allow it for 90 seconds, and see what changes. If this resonates, subscribe, share with a friend who needs it, and leave a review to help others find the show.

Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.

Email me: hello@lifecoachjen.com for any comments or questions.

Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.

My website is www.lifecoachjen.com



SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to my podcast, Happily Even After. I'm Life Coach Jen. I'm passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It's the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes, and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal, but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today's podcast. So I'm sure I've talked about this before, but we're going to talk about it again because I find this the biggest issue that we create in our lives and causes us the most problems. And identifying who you are is going to be really important. And I'm going to talk about feeling our feelings. And I know I've talked about this, maybe not in this much detail. Like I tried to go back and look at my podcasts, but this is how we feel our feelings. We either resist them, which is going to give us judgment, right? It's going to bring judgment in our lives. We react to them, which brings blame and defensiveness. We avoid them, which is shame, or we process them, which means we accept them. And my goal is to teach you how to process your emotions. That's what I do as a coach. That's one of the main things that I feel like coaching helped me with, as well as how I help my clients, is to learn to process these really painful emotions. Most people resist. I was an avoider for sure. I avoided and resisted. I wasn't a reactor. I think my former spouse for sure reacted to emotions, which made me avoid him even more and them even more. So really pay attention to what resonates with you so that you can get better at processing your emotions. So I'm going to talk about feeling your feelings. This is what I want you to really like focus on. I have said this so many times, and I say it to people all the time: you can't heal what you won't feel. And it is so true. Most people think, well, it just is too painful. It's too hard. Yes, it feels like you're getting attacked and chased by a bear or a lion 24-7 when you choose to feel your feelings. But I promise you aren't. You're not going to die from feeling your feelings. You're going to feel so much better once you do. Many people, after they've been betrayed, they just shut down. We become numb and detached. Or you explode into rage and panic, right? This is your nervous system responding. So I don't want you to judge yourself for how you reacted when you found out your spouse was having an affair, right? This was your nervous system inside your body reacting. You're not weak. You didn't do anything wrong. This is just how your body expressed what you just discovered. But realize that numbing your pain doesn't make it go away. It just buries it alive. It is still living inside your body. It's just buried deep in there. So you don't necessarily notice it's there until you do. Feeling doesn't mean you're feeling sorry for yourself. I mean, it can mean that, but oftentimes it just means you have feelings, you have emotions. And when they surface, don't rush to push them away. You don't need to fix them. Just, of course, you're sad. Of course you're mad. Your spouse just told you they've been lying to you, or you they didn't tell you, which usually is the case. You discovered it on a text message of a running thread of they're telling someone else how much they love them. They're sending them pictures and videos, and they weren't really out of town at a business meeting. They were on a vacation with someone else, right? Painful, painful, painful. When you feel your feelings, it doesn't mean you like having them, right? It's not like you're like, oh, I'm so glad I get to feel betrayed today, right? It just means you're allowing them to not get stuck inside of your body, right? Remember, emotions are meant to move. The word emotion literally means energy in motion. So that's how we feel our feelings. It's like I like to envision a wave, right? They rise like sometimes our waves are like really big and scary, right? And then they hit the beach and then they dissipate, right? So I just like to imagine that when you're feeling your feelings, that it's kind of like a wave. Remember, feelings, they're messengers, not enemies. They're telling you something, they're trying to warn you of things or letting you know, like, wow, I guess that part of me isn't healed yet. I had this experience that I'm gonna share. That's pretty that's vulnerable, but I found out my former husband is on a trip. And he supposedly went or was going to go with another couple that was our good friends when we were married. And I must say I felt really hurt by that. And I'm like, this is crazy because I don't want to be on a trip with my former spouse. But I'm like, why would they want to go on a trip with him? Right. Like, I'm like, we should pick sides here. And clearly they should have picked mine. But I'm like, no, people are allowed to like him still. He's still a likable person. Of course, he still is in connection with that person. And so I just really was like very like aware of it. And I was able to feel those feelings. I think maybe for me, a little bit of jealousy, like, oh, I wish I could go on couple trips, but I'm not a couple anymore. So couples aren't inviting their single friend with them to go on a trip, right? That's also weird. Maybe it's weird. I don't know. But they're not going to. I just know my friend group that are married aren't inviting me on their couple's trip. So I get it, right? I'm not gonna be a part of people's couples trips because I'm single. So I'm gonna have to go on retreats or friend trips. That's how I'm gonna get that need met or go with my kids, right? So I just noticed, like, oh, I have a need for that. I love this couple, so I can't be, I don't want to choose to be mad at them or feel like they were betraying me, right? Like that's where I went. So I just observed my feelings and I processed it within, like, I don't know, quickly, within an hour, right? And I feel so much better now. I just was that was an example that happened yesterday that I thought I'm gonna share this. When you feel your feelings fully, you're teaching your nervous system that it's safe to feel again. You don't have to analyze every feeling, just notice where it lives in your body and give it space to exist, right? But learning to name your feelings is very powerful, in my opinion. So, what happens when we resist our emotions? When we fight what we feel, which many of us do this. Resistance sounds like I shouldn't feel this way. Anytime you say should, you're judging your emotion, right? And should equals shame. And it's judgment, and judgment keeps us stuck. The more you resist, the louder the feeling becomes. Suppressed emotion always finds another way out through anxiety, irritability, or fatigue, right? And so really paying attention to what you are feeling and what actually caused you to feel that way. What are you resisting in your life? And people are very resistant, especially in betrayal. But just in life in general, I can talk to someone in I do 30-minute free clarity calls with people, and I can tell people immediately when they're resistant, just how they're talking about things and how they're and also avoidant is huge too. I've had a few reactors on my phone call, and I do not like that. That's really challenging for me. But the more you resist, the louder the feelings become. So just pay attention to that. Resistance is your brain's attempt to protect you from the pain, but it ends up prolonging the pain. I always say what we resist persists and it gets bigger and bigger and bigger. It's like building a mountain out of a molehill is resistance. So you have this little problem and it just keeps on growing and growing and growing. Sometimes resistance comes from fear. Fear that if you let yourself cry, you'll never stop, but you will. I know I felt this a lot when my brother died. It's been about 11 years now. And I thought if I start crying, I'm I'm gonna cry the rest of my life because I was so terribly sad. And I resisted feeling, I just became frozen and numb. I was miserable, right? Which surely didn't it hurt my family, my marriage, my kids. It hurt me the most, though. But once I realized what I was doing, I was able to process that emotion. And now I love thinking about my brother and you know, having the memories come up. It makes me very happy. Healing begins the moment you stop fighting what is true, even if that truth hurts. So sometimes we just don't want to believe our spouse has been lying and having an affair for years, for months, for weeks, whatever long it is. It's usually longer than they say because that truth is painful and we already know that it's gonna hurt. So we just resist it. And then we have this judgment. I think something that's been really helpful for me is really trying not to label something that's good or bad, right? Like when we label things, it just doesn't give us space to be curious. So many betrayed partners shame themselves for being angry, for still loving their spouse, or for not being able to get over it. I find this very common, right? And I found this in myself. Like I just judged myself. What's wrong with me? Why can't I just forget about it and move on? Why do I have so much pain still? Why can't I just trust them again? Why do I even love them? That for sure was my running scenario after I divorced my husband because I loved him and I also divorced him, and those two really weren't fitting in my mind very well. Judgment keeps you stuck because it adds a second layer of pain. You're now mad at yourself for being mad, right? So just remember the more judgment, the more pain you're just giving yourself. Something you could try saying, what if you let yourself feel without judging yourself for it? What if you're like, you know what, I feel really sad today, and that's okay. So just practice. This is just all gonna take practice and awareness because once you're aware what you do, you can understand why it's important to change it. Okay. The next one is people react to their emotions. They blame or become defensive. Reactivity is protection, not truth. Okay, and if you're around people that react, it's very scary. If you're married to a reactor, it feels very scary. When we react, it's our nervous system trying to restore safety, not necessarily logic speaking, right? They're not logically thinking in their head. It's about our nervous system trying to regain control after losing it. So if you are married to a reactor or if this is who you are, I think it's important to understand why you are here and what's really going on. That can help you change. Blame and defensiveness are control strategies. They help us feel powerful in a powerless moment. Blame is often a cover for deeper emotions like grief, fear, or disappointment. So if you're feeling these things, this is good information, right? What is really going on for you? Instead of judging reactions, use them as clues to what still feels safe or unresolved. An example, your reactivity isn't your character, right? Like most people get labeled like you're so reactive, you're so critical, which I've totally done. But it's really your pain showing you where you still need healing. So if you are a reactor, chances are you have a lot of unhealed emotion that's still in your body. It may be from your past, from your childhood, right? Who knows? I don't think that's as important, figuring out where it comes from as opposed to allowing it and moving through it and moving on and not changing your ways, right? Reactivity feels powerful in the moment, but usually leaves regret in its wake, right? I don't think people really like, oh, I'm so glad I yelled at my wife or my husband. That made me feel so good. Or their kids, right? If you have a reactive parent, of course they feel terrible. But most people in that position, they're not emotionally mature enough to go make repair, right? So you're left thinking, what did I do? What just happened? You can't heal while you're still at war with what happened. Reacting keeps the war alive. And some people feel safer in the war because that's what they know. They like the fight. They think that that feels safer. They're in more control, but it's a lie. It's not true. So sometimes if you can pause before you're like feeling like you're gonna react, you can ask yourself, what am I actually feeling underneath this reaction? Now that is a whole other level, like very advanced, but you could try it, see if you can. Or after you react, if you realize, like, oh, I really blew up for no reason, go back and repair. So I think repair is better than not saying anything. Obviously, the goal is to get us to not react anymore or very little, but repair will still be helpful. Avoiding, this is what I did. It's layered in shame. Avoidance is an armor for pain. Most of us, when we find out our spouse has been lying to us and unfaithful, betraying us, of course, we want to be like a turtle and put on our shell and hide because that feels very dangerous and scary because our whole livelihood, life as we know it, is gone. So I really resonate with this one. And in my past and in my marriage, I was judged for this a lot and made wrong for doing it. But now I understand why, and it makes me feel so much better. I'm like, of course I did this. You know, of course, I was protecting myself. Many people avoid by minimizing it, wasn't that bad. It's all part of God's plan, saying things like this, or we numb, right? We we scroll, doom scroll, we overwork, some people drink, some people look at pornography. I eat cookies. So whatever your numbing thing is, right? Like that's how we minimize it. Like, I don't want to feel this, I don't want to say anything about it, but I also don't want to. So I mean, for sure, I guess this is what it's supposed to be like. I guess this is what marriage is. Some people really stay busy, right? Busyness, they they put it like a badge of honor. Look how busy I am. But really, they're avoiding feeling feelings. They like to fix other people. You know, these people in your life, right? They pretend everything's fine. This is totally me. I was pretending. Avoidance is a slow drain on your soul. Underneath avoidance is shame, the belief that something's wrong with me. And if I feel it, I'll confirm that I'm broken. I resonate with that statement so much because what if something was wrong with me? What if I really did cause my husband to have an affair and cheat on me and lie to me? What if I wasn't a safe person he could come talk to and tell me how he was feeling? And he would have totally told me whatever he was feeling, and this wouldn't have come to this. He wouldn't have had to go cheat on having affairs, right? Like it's insanity. That's not true. His affairs had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him, right? There wasn't one thing I wasn't perfect, but I didn't prevent him or make him have an affair. Avoidance looks like control, but it's actually fear wearing a mask and your fear of losing control. And I didn't really understand this until I realized how avoidant I was. But it is true. Like I had a false belief that I was in control, but I was trying to control the wrong person. I needed to focus on me, and I was really focused on my spouse and my marriage. The truth is, avoiding emotions keep you emotionally frozen. What you don't face, you can't release. So avoidance is like emotional procrastination. It delays healing, but it doesn't delete the pain. And I can totally attest to this because I stayed married for 26 years. And probably about five years before I did get divorced, I started waking, waking up and started the process of healing. But I can totally see how this was so unhelpful for me. It was killing me inside. And now, if I do, like, of course, it's my natural want to avoid something, but I'm only gonna avoid it for a few hours or maybe a day. I rarely avoid it for longer than that because I don't like how that feels anymore. And I really recognize how it feels. And I want to repair or talk about it or feel that feeling, whatever that is. And so you just have to build the muscle. Okay. I think really encouraging curiosity instead of condemning yourself. What might this avoidance be trying to protect me from? And it is true. Like my avoidance protected me from I guess divorce, from realizing my husband was lying to me, was dishonest, was having affairs. Like, I guess that's what it protected me from. It felt like a protection, even though I didn't see it then. Now I can see it. So the last thing, the thing I want you to feel your feelings and learn how to process them, which means you need to accept them. Whatever you feel is valid, and what anyone else feels is valid. Stop judging other people and tell them they shouldn't feel that way or they shouldn't have reacted that way. They reacted the way they needed to react, even if it wasn't the right way or the wrong way, good or bad, it's still how they felt. Your kids, they're allowed to feel any way that they need to feel, even if you don't agree with it. Okay, so acceptance isn't approval, it's awareness without resistance. So acceptance is the moment you stop trying to change what you feel and start listening to it. So just start noticing, oh, I'm feeling this way. And don't judge it, don't think it's wrong, don't think you shouldn't feel this way. Like, why do you still feel this way? It's just because you do. It's just let your body's letting you know, oh, maybe you have some more sad to feel. Maybe you have some more irritation to feel, and that's okay. Processing means making space for emotions to exist, learning from them and letting them move through you. Just be like, oh, I always like to give people the example, like, oh, I guess you're gonna bring anxiety in your purse. Like, just bring it with you. Stop trying to get rid of it. Just be like, oh, I'm bringing anxiety today. And I promise when you allow it, you're gonna feel less anxious. Acceptance is when you can say, this happened and I can still choose what comes next. And it doesn't mean you approve of what happened. It means you've stopped fighting with reality. Acceptance doesn't mean it was okay. It means I'm done letting it own me. And I love this because when you argue with the reality, you lose every time. And it's so true. Acceptance is really hard to get to, but once you do, you're so glad you did. It's the bridge between reaction and growth. Acceptance creates emotional space. When you stop gripping your pain, your hands are free to build something new. Acceptance often sounds like, I don't like this, but I can sit with it. I can accept it. I want you to know that true acceptance transforms pain into power because what you integrate no longer controls you. So it is the most freeing thing when you can learn to process and accept how you feel, how you felt in the past, how you feel today, and how you will feel in the future. When you stop judging your feelings, stop running from them, and start listening to them, that's when healing really begins. You don't need to fix your emotions. You just need to feel them long enough to understand what they're trying to tell you. Anyways, friends, hope this helps. If you liked this podcast, please share it with your family and friends. If you are interested in coaching, reach out, let me know, and I would love to be your coach. If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at hello at lifecoachgen with onen.com. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at happily even after coach. Let's work together to create your happily even after.