Happily Even After Betrayal with Life Coach Jen

187: Anxiety, Depression, And Betrayal Trauma

• Jennifer Townsend • Season 4 • Episode 187

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Your body can’t tell the difference between a bear on the trail and a betrayal in your home—and that’s why anxiety feels like a siren you can’t shut off. We go deep on how the nervous system reacts to infidelity, why depression can masquerade as “laziness,” and how to stop making big life decisions while your brain is in threat mode. Instead of chasing certainty with phone checks and late-night spirals, we unpack a calmer path: regulate first, decide second.

We share a clear framework for separating intuition from anxiety. Anxiety is loud, urgent, and catastrophic; intuition is quiet, steady, and specific. You’ll learn simple, repeatable practices to create safety in your body—guided breath paired with a vivid safe-place image, hand-on-heart grounding, movement and shaking to release stuck emotion, ragdoll resets, sunlight and bare feet on grass, and even a splash of cold water to nudge your system back to balance. These tools help you break hypervigilant loops and pull out of shutdown so you can hear your own voice again.

Along the way, Jen opens up about “functional freeze,” raising kids while numb, and the moment she realized nothing was wrong with her—she was living with betrayal trauma. That insight reshaped her approach: you can’t think your way out of betrayal; you have to feel it to heal it. With practice, the alarm quiets, clarity returns, and choices become wiser. You are not broken. Your reactions make sense, and with the right support you can rebuild safety, reclaim agency, and create a future that feels calm, sturdy, and yours.

If this resonates, follow and share the show. Leave a review to help others find these tools, and connect with us to take the next step in your healing journey.

Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.

Email me: hello@lifecoachjen.com for any comments or questions.

Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.

My website is www.lifecoachjen.com



SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to my podcast, Happily Even After. I'm Life Coach Jen. I'm passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I read the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It's the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes, and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal, but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today's podcast. So today I'm talking about anxiety, depression, and betrayal trauma and why it keeps you stuck, why you feel stuck. And I'm going to hopefully help you figure out what actually could help you heal. I think most people feel anxiety and depression at moments in their life, regardless if you've been betrayed or not. But it becomes more intense, at least from my experience, when you have been betrayed. And they feel so powerful in your body. It's very confusing. And it makes healing really complicated. Just so you know, you're normal. Like you're normal if you feel, of course, you feel anxiety, of course you feel depression if your spouse had an affair. Like these are normal emotions just in life, but especially in betrayal. So don't think like something's wrong with you. I at one time, like this is years ago. I don't, I mean, a long time ago, 20 years ago, probably. I was having, I feel like mini panic attacks. And my spouse was like, you need to get on anxiety medication. And so I did, and I hated it, right? It just felt worse for me. And because I thought I had to fix it. Something must be wrong with me because I'm feeling anxiety. Well, ding, ding, ding. I was experiencing betrayal trauma. So of course I was feeling anxious. And I really like now that I understand my nervous system, I have to give myself lots of grace and compassion for this. But I really feel like I pretty much raised my four children in what I call a state of functional freeze. Meaning I was pretty numb to any emotion. And I wasn't a person, you know, sometimes when we think of a depressed person, they're like staying in bed all day. Oh no, I wasn't that. I was busy, busy, busy, which is more fight and flight, but also just numb. I felt frozen. And so I was raising my children. I was in a marriage because I was so devastated. I never healed. I didn't know I needed to. I think I I knew that, but I just there wasn't tools, there wasn't TikToks, there wasn't Instagram back in the day. No one talked about it, right? I didn't share that my spouse had cheated on me. And so I just held it all inside. And I really was in a state, I think, of functional freeze. So I was still functioning, doing all the things, but just frozen inside and really hard. So, anyways, I'm gonna just share with why anxiety feels like a truth detector after you've been betrayed. Because so often anxiety is a heightened emotion. You're more elevated when you feel anxious, right? Your body, in my opinion, you feel like jittery, like lots of energy in your body. You're nervous, you're worried. That's what I feel when I feel anxious. So you got to decide what you feel when you feel anxious. But it will skyrocket when you've experienced betrayal. Okay. It's like a shock to your nervous system. And the thing is, our body's made for like, hey, we're out in the woods and we see a bear chasing after us. We're going to go in immediately adrenaline, right? Or a snake. Anything that feels dangerous, that's what our body, our nervous system is meant to do is, you know, there's something really dangerous that you've got to protect yourself from. And betrayal trauma experience feels that exact same way. But the problem is it's not a physical threat, it is an emotional threat. Okay. So most of the time people think betrayal equals a safety threat, which it is, but it's a more emotional, right? So your brain goes into threat mode. Like, okay, we've got to really pay attention. It's like an alarm. Anxiety is an alarm going off inside your body, and it's telling you to pay attention. So then we become hyper-vigilant, right? But just know it is an alarm. It's not a map. It's not leading you to the next thing that your spouse did necessarily, right? It's going to tell you that you're overwhelmed, right? It does not tell you what the right decision is. So many people have anxiety and they're trying to make a decision about their marriage when they're feeling anxious. That's the worst time to make a decision, really with anything, right? If you're making an important decision, do not do it when you feel anxious. That is unhelpful because your brain is offline. It's in threat mode. It's just trying to protect you. And so you're not making a good decision when you're feeling anxious. Anxiety, oftentimes, it becomes a habit because we think if we feel anxious, we're going to protect ourselves from our spouse ever having another affair. Or we're going to be such great detectives that we're going to figure out if they cheat on us again. We think that from anxiety, we're going to be able to solve our marital problems. And it's just not the case. Anxiety makes us, I said, hyper-vigilant. When we're feeling anxious, we want to check their phone, read their emails, check all their apps, right? We need constant reassurance from our partner. Are you sure who did you talk to? Right. Like, I mean, the amount of times that I did this is nauseating, right? I hope I never have to ask these questions again that I used to have to ask. I never want this in my life again. And then we interpret every single moment or everything they said, or if they were five minutes late, we just go, it's just this anxious state of being and it's miserable because we aren't getting chased by a bear or getting bitten by a snake. We are just getting attacked by our thoughts. So we need to reframe and think something feels wrong, does not equal something is wrong. Oftentimes we think, well, we're feeling, we have the feeling, right? That's when our this is confusing because our intuition, right? But it's because we're in anxiety mode. When we're in anxiety mode, that is not your intuition talking, that's your anxiety talking. And so we have to calm our nervous system down and regulate. So then we can have a more, we can think better. Anxiety speaks in volume, not wisdom. It's loud, but it isn't always accurate. So I think many, I know for sure I got caught up in this, right? I'm feeling like you're lying to me, right? And maybe they were. I hate the word lazy because it's such a judgmental word. Most people use it as a judgmental word, but we need to be lazy sometimes. We need to just be relaxing. We heal in stillness, not in busyness. And so just pay attention to what you're doing, what your body's doing. Depression is your body saying, This is too much. I need to shut down for a minute, right? Finding out your spouse has had an affair is completely overwhelming. It feels like too much. Give yourself lots of grace and compassion because it's a very valid feeling. But I just don't want you to stay stuck there because when we do, we become disconnected from ourselves and healing isn't possible in this state. And I want you to heal. Believing your emotional state equals your reality is the problem. Okay. So how you're feeling equals your reality. So paying attention, right? Like just know when I feel anxious, just because I feel anxious doesn't necessarily mean that you're in danger. Okay. When you're shut down, just don't assume there's no hope whatsoever, right? I I hear that all the time. Like, there just why should I even hope? Right? This is just hopeless, right? That is just not helpful. Both will lead to you becoming stuck because your brain is making decisions from threat instead of truth, right? Your brain is on either hyper alert or hopelessness, and it's just making decisions that aren't really great decisions. So if you feel anxious and then you assume things are bad, then you start to spiral, and then you have more anxiousness, you have more anxiety. I always talk about going down a rabbit hole, right? And it sadly and irritatingly, this happens at night a lot, right? We're finally our brain, we're trying to lay down and sleep, and then we have a thought and we spin out, and then we get so anxious that we can't even sleep. And so learning tools like breathing and calming down to understand, decide like, am I safe? Yes, I don't feel safe, but that's okay. I'm looking around and I am safe and I'm gonna figure this out. Like having tools and tricks and things to tell your brain so that you can calm down and make better decisions. When you feel depressed, it goes to assume there's no point. You pull back, you disconnect, and then you become more hopeless. Right. And so it just this negative spiral downwards. Your nervous system gets used to you doing these loops, right? It thinks it's useful. This is why many people say, I feel like I'm living the same day over and over again. Have you ever felt this way? Right? Like you just can't get out of this nightmare. Just nothing's changing, right? But the thing is, you have to be the one to change. It's not your circumstance, it's you and how you're thinking and feeling about your situation. Okay, so let's talk about some things that are gonna help you break this cycle that you're in. Okay. Remember, ask yourself is this my intuition or my anxiety? That's why it's really important to learn how your body talks to you, how truth comes to you, how you hear truth in your life. Intuition is quiet and steady for most people. Now, some people hear it differently, right? But figure out what works for you, how you hear, how your gut talks to you. And hopefully, if you don't know that, figure out how anxiety feels in your body. So then you can be really clear. Because I think anxiety sometimes is easier to figure out how anxiety feels in your body. And if it doesn't feel that way, then okay, maybe this is my intuition, right? Anxiety is usually panicked, urgent, catastrophic, right? You go to worst case scenario. And so that's why it's really important to feel your emotions and understand how they feel for you. Because we are all different. They might feel differently for other people. Regulate first and decide second. No decision should be made in an anxious or depressed state. Said that many times, just reminding you. So the thing that I love, the very first thing that I teach in my six-week video course is creating safety in your body. And I like people to imagine a safe place for them and really visualize that. For me, I'm on the beach, the wind is blowing, there's a slight breeze, the water, the waves, um, there's palm trees and music, and my kids are playing and laughing, right? That that feels very calming to me. So, whatever your safe place is, or you could have like a higher power or a person that you really respect. Like think about them, think about that person, and then connect it. I like to put my hand on my heart and then just do about five to ten breaths and just breathe deep in through your nose and an exhale out through your mouth about five to ten times. And you can literally feel your body calm down. And so you've got to just practice this. If it feels weird to put your hand on your heart, you can put your hand on your wrist, you can put your hand on your knees, you can stomp your feet. This is important. This is called grounding and connecting your what you're thinking to your body, because we have to connect our mind and our body. Hear a lot of people that feel a lot of disassociation when they're experiencing betrayal. I for sure felt that too. So to reconnect our body and our mind. And this is a way to do it. Okay. And so you've got to take that moment wherever you are and do that. Maybe at night, every night, you might have to reconnect yourself to yourself. Sometimes cold water, right? That's why people do cold plunges, right? But obviously that's not ideal in all situations, but it really helps regulate your nervous system. You can shake your body, right? Movement, right? A lot of times emotion gets stuck. Well, all the time, it gets stuck inside of our body. We have to move. We can shake, we can stretch, we can move our body and do some breathing can help reconnect us. So have a go-to thing. Try it, see what helps. Another thing is they call it the ragdoll, or like in Toy Story, if you've ever seen that show, when they say Andy's coming, all the toys like collapse. So it's literally like just collapsing and just relaxing all your muscles and bones, all everything in your body, and just relax, and it will help reset your nervous system. It's important when you're having these thoughts and feelings to not have judgment for them, right? Instead of saying to yourself, like, why can't I just get it together? Maybe try like, what do I need right now? What is going on for me? Because that's important. This is when your body is more in a depressed state. Because we can't just judge our way to feel better, right? That's gonna just make us feel worse. Maybe having some tools if you just like are feeling like I can't even get out of bed. I I just don't even know what to do. Try to, you know, get out of bed, stand up, drink some water, turn on a light. If you can go outside, they say the sunshine can really help us with our depression. Stand if you can get your bare feet on the ground, like on the grass. That's important. Just remember paying attention to your body, it's guiding you through what you need. Oftentimes anxiety is a very loud, it's like it feels like it's on a megaphone. So we have to calm it. And sometimes our depression is like we're getting sucked into the couch. We can't, we can't breathe, we feel claustrophobic. But what is one thing that you can try to reconnect your body and your mind so that you can stay more calm and make better decisions in your life? After betrayal, your system doesn't feel safe anymore, it feels very unsafe. And so it is really important just to recognize, yeah, sometimes our partner isn't feeling safe. Our memories don't feel safe, and you don't feel safe in your body. So knowing this just helps you know like you're gonna be okay. That's normal. Anxiety and depression can get supercharged, meaning, like if you felt anxiety before, you're gonna feel it 10 times more. Same with depression. Once you learn to regulate the alarm system, you can start hearing your own voice again. And just know this takes time and practice. I feel like I've been working on healing for years, and I'm very hyper-aware now of when I do get anxious or when I get a little down, and I know exactly what to bring me back into my zone. Right. So I may get dysregulated for a few minutes, but I can immediately do that. And that is because I've had lots of practice. It might take you a day or two when you're practicing, but you eventually can get back into your zone of resilience. This is the beginning, and in my opinion, a very important part of healing. So it's not something like you can just ignore or skip over or think, oh, it's really not that big a deal. It's a big deal. So I hope that you know you aren't broken. Your reactions are normal. You can heal when you have the right tools and support. It's not like healing's just for some people, it's for everyone, but you have to want it and you have to choose it. I think this was the missing piece for me on my healing journey when I first began healing. And once I was with my therapist and we did this whole thing with my nervous system, I was like, oh my gosh, I have been judging myself, and my spouse had been judging me for years and years and years. And I thought something was wrong with me. Nothing was wrong with me. I was in betrayal trauma. I, of course, was feeling all these things. And in that moment, it clicked. It's probably been a few years, and so much so that I got trained in understanding the nervous system and understanding trauma. I wanted to do that extra thing because before I was focused on our mind and thinking different thoughts, but you have to also feel differently. You have to feel it in your body. You can't think your way out of betrayal. You have to feel it. And anyone can do it. And it's not hard. It just takes practice and awareness. And so I hope that if this resonates with you, that you'll reach out and we can hop on a call and you are willing to take the next step in healing from betrayal. Thanks so much for listening. If you liked this podcast, please share it with your family and friends, and I will talk to you next week. If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at hello at lifecoachgen with onen.com. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at happily even after coach. Let's work together to create your happily even after.