Happily Even After Betrayal with Life Coach Jen

188: Five Questions Men Ask After Infidelity And How To Heal

• Jennifer Townsend • Season 4 • Episode 188

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Betrayal doesn’t just bruise the heart; it shakes identity, confidence, and the story you tell about who you are. Today I walk through the five questions men ask most after a partner’s affair—why they didn’t see it, whether they were “enough,” how to decide to stay or leave, what to do with explosive anger, and how to show up for kids while hurting. I share a clear, compassionate path that separates your worth from your partner’s choices and uses values alignment as the North Star for every next step.

We unpack how the brain can blindside you to protect against what feels unsafe to see, and why that isn’t weakness—it’s commitment. From there, I offer a simple decision framework: slow down, stabilize your body, then evaluate actions over words. Is there accountability, remorse, transparency, and a real plan to rebuild trust? We challenge common traps like fix-it mode, fear of judgment, and clinging to the fantasy of what the relationship was supposed to be.

Anger gets a practical toolkit too. You’ll learn how to move it safely through breathwork, grounding, strength training, and journaling, then trace it to the softer layers underneath—grief, fear, disappointment—so it no longer runs the room. For fathers, I outline how to be steady without pretending: name feelings, keep adult details private, protect routines, and reassure safety. Finally, I make the case for support over secrecy—coaches, therapists, and trusted friends—because DIY recovery keeps you stuck while community pulls you forward.

If this resonates, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs it, and leave a quick review to help more men find real help after infidelity. Have a question you want answered next time? Send it in and join the conversation.

Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.

Email me: hello@lifecoachjen.com for any comments or questions.

Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.

My website is www.lifecoachjen.com



SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to my podcast, Happily Even After. I'm Life Coach Jen. I'm passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I read the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It's the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes, and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal, but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today's podcast. So I am going to talk about five questions men commonly ask after betrayal. And two things. A surprising thing, when I started my coaching betrayal, I was thinking only women, I would only coach women. And I was wrong about that, which I actually am really glad I was wrong about. But I coach a lot of men as well. And I love coaching men. They, I think, think differently, but also the same. And it's just been a different viewpoint. I've also coached the betrayers, which is also another component that I wasn't expecting. But I've really loved helping people. I love helping people. And regardless if they are men, women who've their spouses had an affair, or if they are the ones that had the affair. I think betrayal is something, regardless of how it comes into your life, we need to heal from it. And the other thing I wanted to mention, so I am not normally, I do like reality TV. I used to love watching Survivor. I still love watching Survivor. I'm just not watching it all the time. I love dancing with the stars. And I live in Utah, and a popular show is The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. And season three just came out. So I wasn't expecting that betrayal was a theme of this season. And the thing that I really, of course, I don't like when anyone gets cheated on, but their names are Jesse and Jordan. Jesse, the wife, has an affair, and we get to see Jordan's reaction and feeling. And I think so often, sometimes I think men, they just they don't know, like, is this normal? Like, am I how am I acting? How does this feel? And they really highlight how he's feeling. I just loved that that was part of the show, even though I mean this really hard thing that happened to this couple and how they're navigating it. And I'm not necessarily saying it was right or wrong. I might do another episode about that. But if you're a man and you're like, am I alone? No, you're not. And luckily for you, your affair is not on national TV for everyone to watch. I think that would be really hard. But anyways, it does happen. And so I'm gonna share some questions that men often ask me and want to have answers to. And I think women ask these same questions, but this is we're going with the men first, okay? Why didn't I see it coming? And I think this is the part that a man thinks, am I weak? What's wrong with me? Right. I think so often it like almost it plays with a man's masculinity, right? And so remember, it was never about you, it was about your spouse, what your wife was experiencing about her. I know that's hard, but it's just the reality. Men feel betrayal trauma too. So just know it's not just women can have a betrayal trauma. Of course, we are humans, we're all humans. We're different, but the same in many ways. And you're allowed to hurt, you're allowed to ask questions, and you're also allowed to heal. So just know that it's not a weakness that your spouse had an affair. This says something about her and not about you. I think often men are conditioned differently, right? They're not supposed to feel their feelings or they haven't had the experience of feeling their feelings. And so they have this really terrible thing that they find out and they just don't even know what to do with this flood of all these different emotions. Betrayal blindsides many because our brain protects you from what feels unsafe to see. And I think this happens a lot with most betrayals. It's like we just go, especially men, they go work more or just do other things, or they might shut down and play video games, or but most men, I think they go to busyness and maybe if they make more money, then their relationship will feel better, right? They might feel something's off, but they're just not sure what it is. Instead of saying, was I weak, you can say, No, I was committed. Because what I have found is there's humans, some are very loyal, men and women, men can be loyal, and women are loyal, and then many women are not loyal, and many men aren't loyal as well. And I think men, it's usually like if we're going to say usually it's the men that we see are the cheaters. And then so when you're the one that gets cheated on, it just feels different. And you think, what in the world happened? Why me? Right? Another question you might ask yourself is, was I not enough for her? I think the most common wound for most men is tied to their adequacy and their identity. And so this cuts deep, right? And I think most humans, we have moments in our life, was I not enough? Especially when we feel like rejected or taken advantage of. Just remember, betrayal says everything about the person that betrayed you, their choices, and nothing about your worth. Your worth is always the same. I know it doesn't feel that way, but if we can get at least our mind to consider if that's true, then we can learn how to feel our way out of that truth or our way to that truth. Affairs happen in low integrity people, not because their spouse is less than or not good enough. Okay, it's because your spouse doesn't have the same values as you. And I think this is a question we we miss when we get married. We just assume people have our same values, or we may not even understand what our values are. But I think it's really important to figure out what are your values and have your spouse figure out what theirs are too, because that is important. Teaching our kids when they're dating to figure out, hey, what are your values and what are you wanting your spouse's values to be? And is the person you're dating have those same values? I think it's a question we need to ask more. And can you, as you're thinking this thought, take yourself, your worth, separate it from your spouse's behavior? Because when you connect them together, it's miserable and it's not gonna help you in your healing. Okay, number three, should I try to win her back or walk away? Well, this is a very common question too for everyone. Like, do I stay or do I go? I think men, they really want to fix things, they always just are wanting to fix it, right? And so are you that person? Are you just in the fix-it mode? Oh, I can fix this. Okay, I think it's important to know if that's what you're trying to do. Do you feel obligated in your marriage? Right? A lot of times men feel a lot of obligation. In order to heal, we have to get more clarity. And remember, last week I talked about feeling anxiety and depression, and that's not clarity, right? We don't want to make a decision from panic or fear or confusion. It's just unhelpful. I think it's important to pause. So often, people, especially if your trauma response is to flee, they just run away and think, oh, if I run away from this pain, then my life will be easy. No. It your your pain is going to catch up to you. And you probably are going to jump into a new relationship with a different person and the same problems. So it's important to take a moment and pause before you make any major decisions. And if you are going to work at it, pay attention. What is her actions? What is she doing? Are they taking accountability for what they did? Do they feel remorseful? Are they willing to rebuild trust? And what does that look like for you? Do you actually want your relationship back or just the idea of what you thought your relationship was? Are you afraid of what other people are going to think about you? What is that? Like you have to get really honest with yourself. Okay. And regardless of what it is, that's okay. We just got to figure out how to move forward. That's why having a coach is so helpful because I can help you see what you can't see in yourself. What thoughts are causing you all your pain? We think our wife, who had the affair, is causing all of our pain, but it's really our thoughts about our wife. Okay. So number four, remember, I only have five. So we're almost done. How do I deal with the anger without exploding? Now I think men, anger is their go-to emotion. Many men, not all men, a lot of men though. And I think they're afraid of it. I had a client that I've been talking to and working with, and he's afraid of his anger. And I get it because in his past, he's taken his anger out on his kids or his spouse. And it's important, yes, anger is allowed. You're allowed to feel anger, but you're not allowed to be mean and not allowed to explode. Like when I say not allowed, it's not good judgment. Meaning that is not the way to heal your marriage or to reconnect with your spouse, is to take it out on them. Even if you feel like, well, they had the affair, they deserve it. No, nobody deserves that, right? We need to release our anger in healthy ways. It's very normal to feel anger, right? It's our like protection. It's like our caveman part of our brain, our primal response is to feel angry. And oftentimes anger is okay for men to feel. On the other hand, for women, it's hard for women to feel okay feeling angry, right? They often suppress that. But for a man, it's important to just know you feel it, but then it's not okay to, you know, hurt someone or hurt yourself or take it out on your kids or people at your work. You gotta release it other ways. And you can do that through breathing, through, I think yoga is so helpful. Grounding, meaning, you know, going outside, touching your feet to the earth. I talked about, you know, creating safety, breathing, putting your hand on your heart, journaling, exercising. Exercising is really good. Maybe even like boxing. Or I love the like, oh, I do like a 10 or 12 pound ball. You probably could do a heavier weight, but taking that weighted ball and like slamming it on the ground, like just releasing that negative energy. So finding safe ways to express your anger. And anger is just information. And anger is always a secondary emotion, meaning there are layers underneath. We need you to get to sadness, to irritation, to frustration, disappointment, all those underneath layers, betrayal that are hiding underneath the anger. The last one, number five, how do I protect my kids while I'm falling apart? I think so often in betrayal, we worry about our kids and what are they gonna think or feel. And I think men, they're like, I have to be the steady one. I can't fall apart. That's my wife's job to fall apart. I can't fall apart. But you can fall apart. And it's okay for your kids to see you sad. It's okay that you are vulnerable with them. I think even younger kids would, you know, they would want to hug you and care for your older kids. You can tell them, like, hey, I'm having a really hard time. They just want to know you're okay and that you are with them, right? Even snuggling them goodnight, and if you have to cry, that's okay. Like, they just want to know, they can feel you that you're gonna be okay and that they're gonna be okay. And kids aren't expecting parents to be perfect, they just want them to be a part of their lives. You ignoring them or avoiding them is gonna not gonna be the way for anyone in this situation. I think it's important to model emotions with your kids, and so be like, Daddy feels really sad today, or daddy, I'm really feeling angry. So just naming whatever emotions you feel is such a great tool and lesson for your kids to learn. Dad's having a hard feeling right now, and that's okay. Hard feelings don't last forever, right? Like giving your kids assurance that you're gonna be okay. And it's not dad is angry because your mom did this. Like, that's not what we need to do, right? We just need to make feelings okay. It's normal to feel our feelings. Anyways, if you thought of more questions that you want me to answer, I would love for you to send them to me. On the show notes, you can text me any questions so I can answer any questions that you have. If you're a man that's experienced betrayal, because I'm curious, but I I just know that there are plenty of men out there that have been betrayed, and you're not alone, and you're gonna be okay, you're gonna figure this out. It doesn't mean you're less than you unfortunately just married someone that has different values than you and made different choices. And it's important to find a support group, find someone that can be your safe place, safe person. It's important to talk about it. This isn't a DIY. Like, let me never say this again. Let me never tell anybody that my spouse had an affair and I'm just gonna take it to my grave. That is going to keep you stuck and miserable for your rest of your life. And that's a guarantee not gonna help your marriage if you want to stay married. It's not gonna help your life. It will keep you stuck. And so healing is possible and definitely, I think, required if you want to live an amazing life. It's totally possible. Anyways, thanks for listening and have a beautiful week, and I will talk to you next week. If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at hello at lifecoachgen with onen.com. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at happily even after coach. Let's work together to create your happily even after.