Happily Even After Betrayal with Life Coach Jen

192: How To Weigh Divorce When Children Are Involved

• Jennifer Townsend • Season 5 • Episode 192

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What if staying “for the kids” isn’t the safest choice after betrayal? We open the new year with a clear-eyed look at divorce, co-parenting, and the real needs of children at different ages. Instead of recycling old myths, we focus on what actually protects kids: a steady emotional climate, predictable routines, and at least one safe, regulated parent they can count on.

I share why January often brings a surge in divorces and unpack the beliefs that keep many of us stuck—culture, guilt, money fears, and the good-parent narrative that says two parents under one roof is always best. We talk practical reality too: custody schedules, holiday planning, “Disneyland parenting,” and how to stop trying to fix an ex while building systems that guard your energy and your children’s stability. For younger kids, we spotlight calm transitions, simple structure, and keeping conflict out of their line of sight. For teens and adult children, we cover honest conversations, avoiding emotional parentification, navigating milestones with boundaries, and letting separate celebrations still feel good.

Throughout, I offer a different compass: measure the emotional climate of your home rather than chasing perfect timing. Ask what version of you your kids are seeing—numb, anxious, resentful, or grounded and boundaried. Whether you stay or leave, choose on purpose and choose from love, not fear. You can model accountability, repair, and self-respect without normalizing betrayal, and you can create a peaceful home where your children and your nervous system can finally exhale.

Ready to rethink your choices and design stability that lasts? Hit play, share this with a friend who needs clarity, and if this conversation helps, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss an episode.

Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.

Email me: hello@lifecoachjen.com for any comments or questions.

Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.

My website is www.lifecoachjen.com



SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to Happily Even After Betrayal with Life Coach Jen, the podcast where we don't sugarcoat betrayal, we transform it. If your heart is shattered, your nervous system is buzzing, and your future feels uncertain, you're in the right place. Here we rebuild identity, confidence, and peace. One brave episode at a time. Hey friends, welcome to today's podcast and welcome to 2026. Hope you guys are excited. I'm super excited for this new year. And if you didn't notice that I have a different outro and intro, as well as I did a small rebrand of my podcast name. I'm now calling it Happily Even After Betrayal with Life Coach Jen. And I just decided like I'm very, this is what I coach on. This is what I help people do is help you heal from betrayal. Maybe not everyone listening to this podcast has had that experience. And that's okay. I welcome everyone because we talk about a lot of hard topics in any marriage, or if you've just been divorced and that's what you're here for. Regardless, I just really wanted to hone in on my coaching business, but really focus on every podcast episode. I am talking about betrayal as well as a lot of other things. And today, sadly, January is the month known for divorce. A lot of people are filing for divorce in January because we had to hold it together for Thanksgiving and Christmas. And now we're ready, we think we're ready to get divorced. And I am an advocate for marriage. Like I wish all marriages could figure their stuff out, even after betrayal. But I realize that is not possible all the time. And it takes two people to reconcile as we learned. So divorce is a reality in our life. And I think we need to talk about it more. And anytime I talk about this on social media or in an email, I get a lot of feedback, pushback, opinions. And we're going to talk about divorce with kids. And I kind of separated it from like younger kids to older kids because I got divorced when my kids were older. And I know that looks different for me than it would have looked different had I divorced my spouse when my kids are younger. And I for sure know this for sure that I stayed in my marriage because I thought it was best for the kids. I didn't even consider myself in the equation, honestly. Like I think I was so numb from the affairs that I just didn't have the resources. I mean, back in the 90s and the early 2000s, the resources were rough. They didn't talk about betrayal trauma and all the things. And so I just wanted to talk about this topic because I want you to consider why you're staying and if it's for the kids, your fear around that. So many times, people like this internal dialogue, right? I can't leave because of the kids. My kids deserve a family. I'll ruin their lives if we divorce. Like it's so fear-based. And so it's a ridiculous thought, but it's a very true th, it feels very true. It doesn't feel like a thought. It feels like a fact that we are going to ruin our kids' life if we get divorced. Or we think when they're older, right? They're older now and it's finally safe to get divorced. Or will this destroy our kids anyways, right? Like we just have so many negative thoughts when we're thinking about our kids. And I think, you know, it's it's a fact that our kids influence our decisions, our choices. I think that's probably a good thing, right? We want to consider other people when we're going to be affecting their life, but we can't base our choices just on that one thing alone. We have to make a more thoughtful decision and we have to include ourselves in that decision. Anyways, I want to just talk about it and get your brain thinking. I just have some thoughts about why we think, you know, our kids play such a big role in our decision in our marriages. And my goal is not to tell you to stay or leave. Like that is your decision. I will never tell anyone if they need to stay in their marriage or get divorced because I'm not married to your spouse. I am not a part of your family, but I'm going to help be a neutral person to help you see what you cannot see and kind of start helping your brain start thinking new thoughts possibly and consider what is holding you back. I just want to give you clarity and compassion and information to help you make a decision that's in alignment with yourself and with your children. So why kids often keep us in a marriage, I think culture for sure, conditioning that good parent myth, right? Stay together for the kids. I feel like so many of these things. I was thinking about this. I grew up in Colorado Springs, Colorado. I didn't have any friends that were divorced. Their parents were divorced. I was very, I didn't really know anyone that was divorced in my own personal family, like my aunts and uncles, like my grandparents, like no one got divorced in my family. And so I didn't really have that. And I think it was like the weird kids or the weird families, those got divorced. Like that felt like an 80s belief, right? The latch key kids, or I just didn't have any frame of reference for that. And so I think you were a bad parent if you would choose this. And that is a thought that is not a fact, and it's not even true, right? And it's a hurtful thought for sure. Kids need two parents under one roof. I totally believe this. Divorce ruins families. And I think these messages are in our subconscious. We're not even really aware we're thinking of them. And so when betrayal happens, your brain immediately goes into protection mode. And you think things like, I can just get through this, I can endure this as long as my kids are okay, right? I'll suffer for them. And I was for sure in this camp of thinking this. Fear of damaging our kids is a huge one. Most parents are terrified that their divorce will create trauma, cause anxiety or behavioral issues, make kids choose sides, disrupt their sense of safety. But the reality is kids are harmed more by living in emotional chaos than by living in two stable homes or even one stable home. And that I totally believe because talking to my kids now as they're adults, they've shared with me some things, how they felt as a kid. And I can see myself, like how I was kind of emotionally numb raising them, right? I was raising them, but I was very disconnected emotionally from myself because I had so much pain that I just didn't even know how to process it or feel it. And so I don't think I was helping them by staying for sure. And I just have always decided all kids are gonna need therapy when they're adults. We're human, right? Parents make mistakes and every kid reacts differently to punishments and rules and all the things. There's a lot of factors in raising children, right? Religion and what school they go to and their economics, you know, the money, all the things. There's so many things that go into it. And humans were complicated. And so they're gonna have problems whether we stay married or get divorced. Logistical fear, I know, huge concern of mine, right? I was completely dependent on my spouse. I was a stay-at-home mom. So how would I afford to get divorced? How would I work and then take care of my babies? That felt very complicated. I didn't have family support. I lived in a state that my family didn't live in. And so what would that look like for me? Custody schedules, you know, I'm gonna have to parent alone, losing time with our kids. I know that this is a huge one, right? I have to share the holidays. I'm alone at Christmas, right? So all those things. When your nervous system is already dysregulated from betrayal trauma, these logistics feel impossible. Like it feels totally overwhelming and you don't even want to do it. And so you go with what you think is the safer choice and you choose to stay. Another one that is complicated guilt and loyalty, right? Especially from women. I brought them into this family and I need to hold it together, right? I totally thought this so many times. My family is forever. I can't ruin my forever family. You cannot sacrifice your well-being and call it protection, which I totally did. Children are shaped by the emotional climate of their home, not necessarily the actual address of their home. And I just didn't know this. I didn't have that information, I didn't have that thought or belief. When you get divorced and you have younger kids, I think it feels harder. I don't know if it is because I didn't do that. But it from clients that I have that are getting divorced and their kids are younger, because we think, okay, our kids, they need structure and consistency, and we need to be there. And when you think the thought I have to share custody and my spouse now doesn't help me out at all, what makes me think they're gonna help the kids get dressed and do homework and do wash and cooking and cleaning, right? It feels very scary. You don't want to disrupt their routines. The thing is, they're not gonna understand betrayal, infidelity. But what they care about is like, where's mom, where's dad? The funny thing is when I, my son was 16 when I got divorced, my youngest was 16. And the first question he asked is, where are we gonna live? Do we have to move? He didn't care about anything else. That's all he cared about. And it was really telling, right? Like he just needed to know like, what am I gonna do? Do I have to go back and forth? Where's my bedroom gonna be? And so we are thinking on a different level than our kids. And they just need to know like they're safe, they're secure. I think society judges women worse than men. I don't know. There's a lot of things a good mom wouldn't break up their family, right? But I don't know, I don't know if that's changing, right? Because really, in my situation, my former spouse made that choice, right? I mean, yes, I did totally choose to also get divorced, but he was the one who was stepping out on his family. So, anyways, but those are just sometimes society keeps us wanting to stay or worried, what are other people gonna think about us? For sure. If I would have left when my kids were younger, I would have worried, oh my gosh, what if they get remarried? Who is the other person that's gonna also be in my child's life? And that feels scary, right? That that feels it's worrisome. The thing is, kids form secure attachments with parents who are emotionally healthy, not parents who are married. So I think we just automatically assume our kids are gonna be connected to both parents when we're married, but somehow not when we get divorced. It's just not true. They're gonna go after emotionally the emotional attachment, the secure attachment. And I have seen that as my kids are adults, how they experience me and how they experience their dad. And it's been very fascinating. So, what actually helps younger kids are predictable routines, right? So if you can manage, figure out how can I co-parent, how can I do this, and still continue their routines, calm transitions, parents who don't fight in front of them, emotional attunement, parents who regulate their own stress, one safe, stable home, even if the other parent isn't stable, as long as they're having one stable home. And that can be you. You can be the hero in your child's story. Hidden challenges that people often don't see or forget about are managing drop-offs, coordinating holidays, communicating with an uncooperative ex. You need to get help and support if this is your situation. If you have a spouse that wants to be the Disneyland parent to avoid accountability, you got to figure out how to manage that for you, okay? And stop blaming them or stop focusing on them. Figure out for you. Kids mimicking the relational dynamics they observe, right? So you're gonna need a lot of support if you're getting divorced and your kids are younger. My brother, I have a younger brother who's divorced, and he is like the perfect example. If I can get him to come on the podcast with me, I will. Him and his former wife do an amazing job of co-parenting, and I'm really proud of him. And his kids feel very adjusted, and you know, no one's perfect, but it is possible. I've seen it, right? I probably would have been the terrible I would have really struggled co-parenting with my former spouse, I think. Maybe not now as I'm healed. I think I totally could, but in the state I was, had I gotten divorced when my kids were little, I would have needed a lot of therapy to get to a good co-parenting place. I think. I don't know. I just, I'm just guessing. That's my guess. The upside that parents don't expect, I think, when we're thinking about divorce, is kids adjust faster than adults. I've totally seen this. Kids are so much more resilient than we are. And we put so many other added layers of our emotions and our thinking on that we think kids are thinking. Just like I said, like my son was worried about where is he gonna live, what's his room. That's all he cared about at that moment. And I was thinking of a million other things. They don't have the I wish you had done this sooner grief that teens often express. And I'll share a little bit about that with my older kids when I get there. They learn resilience naturally and they aren't as enmeshed in family identity. So identity disruption is lower. And so that's a plus when you're getting divorced with younger kids. So if you have older kids and you're considering getting divorced, this is some things that you might haven't considered and why it feels harder. Teens and adults understand the thing is they're very aware of the betrayal, possibly, right? Even if you hadn't told them. And I've shared the story about how my 16-year-old found out his dad was having another affair. So I'm not gonna share that now, but they often can form opinions, right? They have a lot more thinking skills and a lot more, I mean, they're teenagers, right? So they might start blaming a parent, right? That you don't think about. You've been holding on for so long. Sometimes you think, okay, if I made it this far, I'm just gonna wait a little bit longer. Um, we're gonna talk about next week gray divorce, and I'm gonna explain that. But a lot of times I'm gonna wait till all my kids are graduated and then I'll think about divorce. Kids, sometimes we unintentionally they become our emotional support person, and that's very unhealthy. I've made that mistake and I've had to really be very conscious of not doing that with my older kids and really gotten added support and friends and all that. And so I think I have that taken care of. But at the beginning, it was rough, right? Because there was just so many emotions, so many things going on. I think we fear disrupting milestones. I mean, when I told my kids my oldest daughter was engaged, my other daughter was graduating from college, my one son was graduating from high school, and then my other son was still in high school. Talk about all the milestones. I'm like, it was rough. And I just thought, okay, if I can just get through, I'm gonna tell her after she graduates. So, you know, we she graduates, and then I tell her, we're getting divorced. And her response was, it's about time, mom. And so that was very telling for me. I'm like, okay, my kids already saw it coming. They already felt it, they already wanted it to happen. And I was the one dragging my feet. And I don't know if they would have felt that way, right, when they were younger. I I can't go there, but I just our older kids are more aware of things than we realize. So, as far as like the milestones, like even now, like so. Now we're divorced navigating Christmas, and I don't have grandkids yet. But when I do, those are some things we're gonna have to navigate and figure out because I am in my divorce, I'm not sitting going out to dinner with my spouse, my former spouse, and his new wife. That's just not how I'm doing divorce. So we're very separate. We have very separate holidays, very separate. I don't see you, and you don't see me. And we have had one moment when my oldest daughter did get her master's that we were able to amicably go to the graduation and sit next to each other, but he didn't bring his new wife. And I think had he, that would have been different for me. I probably would have said, no, I'm not interested. And that would have been Of my choice, not because I feel sorry for myself. That's just my boundary. And I don't want to make my life harder and more complicated than it already is. So, anyway, so there's things you have to figure out. So, some other unique challenges with older kids, they may take sides. I don't really feel like my kids took sides necessarily. I think they definitely lean more towards me, not just that's just the natural way of it, right? But um, they may lose trust in the betraying partner. They may lash out at the betrayed parent for waiting too long, right? Like none of my kids did that. I mean, I think we've had a lot of deep conversations, lots of repair conversations, and they, you know, they're not resentful that I didn't do it when they were eight, right? They, they just they understand, but they may feel pressure to emotionally caretake a parent, which I think that's why you have to be really have good boundaries and have another support system to talk to. And I think adult children still struggle. My kids are still struggling. And we have to just understand that. So your kids can struggle when they're little or when they're adults. I think adult children, there's grief and there's the family identity, right? In our family, we had a lot of things that we did together as a family, and we don't have that anymore. And there is a lot of grief attached to that. They were a family for a lot longer, and now our family looks really different, and that that's hard. I try to be as easy around the holidays and flexible. And I would encourage you to do that if you're thinking about divorce or you can have Christmas on December 27th. It doesn't have to be on December 25th, right? You can you get to create whatever you want, and I think that could be helpful. Sometimes we feel like we they they feel like they have to mediate and it's complicated because it's like, I don't, if you need money, can you ask your dad? You were an adult, you can text your dad. If if they're four, they can't text their dad or their mom. But when they're 20, they can. And so, but sometimes it just gets a little messy. You got to figure out what you want to do. And there's lots of anger. There's a lot of emotions when you get divorced and your kids are adults. I think when you're thinking about getting divorced and our kids, sometimes it's like we focus on the timing, the age, the reason, like the legal, what what does it look like to hire a divorce? And we focus on all those things, but really I think the emotional climate of our household is something we miss thinking about. We're not thinking about that. And that's one of the most important things, more important sometimes than all the other things, is if it's emotionally feels emotionally unsafe, and we're like walking on eggshells all the time, and that could be a better gauge of whether you should get divorced or not than timing, age, all the other things, right? I think older kids, they have more knowledge about adult relationships, and so you can have more honest conversations. I think the more honest you are and factual you are about why you're getting divorced, the better, because then their brains don't spin out of control like yours did, right? And help them understand you love them and you support them, right? And I think kids really can heal if you are willing to heal. You have to be the leader in healing. And get off the bandwagon or the thought that there's a better time to get divorced than not. I mean, that's why I'm saying January is a big time people get divorced. But the time, you can't, there's not a good time, I think. There's not a better time than others to get divorced. I guess it just has to be up to you. And the more healed you can be, I always say if you can divorce from love more than fear, you're headed in the right direction because you're healed enough, you're not lashing out, your your emotions are more stable and you're not triggered, and you're not gonna say terrible things all the time, right? It's it's hard, right? I totally messed up in this department too. Like, but it I got through it, like it wasn't years, it was like months of probably negative behavior. But and just know, like, I think a lot of times people think, oh, if I'm divorced, then my life's gonna be easier. No. Like divorce is hard and staying married is hard. And when you leave your spouse doesn't mean they're suddenly gonna change and be different. You have to remember, oh, I divorced them for a reason. They're gonna stay very much the same, probably. Okay. And you need to figure out if you're co-parenting, you need to come from a place of empowerment and figure out what works best for you. So lastly, considering when you're making this decision, are my kids emotionally safe in the home? Are you emotionally safe in your home? What version of you are your kids seeing, right? Are you numb, anxious, resentful? Are you walking on eggshells? Are you dysregulated, right? They're gonna feel all of that. And what do you want them? What version of you do you want them to see and feel? Probably a more regulated parent, a healthy, more happy, more confident. And what are you teaching your kids? Because are you teaching them accountability, repair, boundaries, or are you teaching them that it's okay to tolerate betrayal and allow people to lie to you and mistreat you? So I think figuring out are you staying for the right reasons, or can you leave for the right reasons? Whatever you decide can be okay, but you just have to choose it on purpose. So, anyways, I think kids are one of the biggest factors in people staying in a very unhealthy and abusive marriage, a marriage filled with betrayal and lies. And I want you to rethink why you're staying. And is it really a worse thing to do to get divorced? Or could that be the best decision you've ever made? And I know in my experience with divorce, I'm so grateful I'm divorced and I my kids have a safe place to land. We feel so safe in our house. Like I love my house so much because it just feels so peaceful and safe all the time. Like, very rarely do we get any negativity in our home. And I just love that so much. Anyways, hope this helped. Have a beautiful week, and I will talk to you next week. Thanks for listening. If this episode helped you breathe deeper or see your next step more clearly, share it with someone who needs it. And when you're ready for real support in your healing, you know where to find me. At lifecoachgen.com. That's Jen with one N. Your happily even after is possible. And it starts today.