Happily Even After Betrayal with Life Coach Jen

194: Self-Betrayal, Healing, And The Courage To Be You: With Guest, Hazel Mason

• Jennifer Townsend • Season 5 • Episode 194

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If you’ve ever made yourself smaller to keep the peace, this conversation will feel like a mirror and a map. We sit down with Hazel—life coach, retreat leader, and addiction counselor—to unpack self-betrayal: the quiet ways we trade our needs, values, and voice for approval, and why it can feel impossible to stop when your nervous system equates attachment with safety. Hazel shares her path through infidelity, abusive relationships, and recovery, and how experiential coaching helps women turn insight into action.

We dig into the mechanics of people-pleasing and identity loss: how preferences get edited, friendships fade, and roles like mom or partner swallow the person underneath. Together we trace these patterns back to core beliefs formed in childhood—those early moments that taught us love must be earned and feelings are too much—and we offer practical steps to update those beliefs. You’ll hear simple ways to rediscover what you actually like, how to notice when your body says no, and how small, repeated acts of self-loyalty rebuild trust from the inside out.

We also talk boundaries without the buzzwords. Think clear agreements, real consequences, and the courage to protect your peace with family, partners, and yourself. Hazel shares how her retreats create space for deep inner work—grief, betrayal, core beliefs—while a faith-centered lens reframes worth as inherent, not negotiated. That shift changes everything: relationships get clearer, parenting gets steadier, and the urge to outsource validation starts to fade. If you’re ready to stop abandoning yourself and start becoming yourself, this one is for you.

Hazel Mason

Email: hazel@hazelmason.com

https://go.hazelmason.com/retreats



If this conversation helps you breathe deeper or see your next step more clearly, share it with someone who needs it. Subscribe, leave a review, and tell us: what’s one boundary you’re honoring this week?

Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.

Email me: hello@lifecoachjen.com for any comments or questions.

Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.

My website is www.lifecoachjen.com



SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to Happily Even After Betrayal with Life Coach Jen, the podcast where we don't sugarcoat betrayal, we transform it. If your heart is shattered, your nervous system is buzzing, and your future feels uncertain, you're in the right place. Here we rebuild identity, confidence, and peace. One brave episode at a time. Hey friends, welcome to today's podcast. I'm so excited. I have a good friend of mine. Her name is Hazel, and she is going to be here talking to us. And the topic we've decided to discuss is about self-betrayal, which I think everyone can relate to. And some of us may have more experience than others, but her name is Hazel. And I met her probably like four years ago at a training that we both had signed up for. She is a coach and I'm a coach. And it's interesting because for me in that training, I was considering and very possibly getting divorced. And I think I was pretty numb going to that training. And I met her and I just remember really liking her. And then a few, like maybe a year later, my daughter, we were seeking a someone for her to talk to about the divorce and the betrayal with her dad. And I was like, Hazel. So we reached out to her, and then she's been working with my daughter, which has been amazing. And I'm just so grateful for her and all that she's done for me and my family. So, really fast, Hazel, tell us a little bit about yourself.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. So I've been a life coach for a million years, almost 10 years. Moved to Utah from California during the lockdown, really kind of dove into a lot of my own personal work during the time I've been in Utah and just feel super passionate about helping people remember who they are and to come back home to themselves. And I do that through all sorts of different things. I, you know, have a coaching practice and I specialize in experiential type of modalities. So really anything other than just talking, I like to help people like put into action through, you know, toys or other props and different things to really like take what is in your mind and to make it concrete and to really explore it that way. So that's my specialty. I also have a retreat company that I started. It's called the Sisterhood Retreat. And we've been running it for three years now. We do a retreat every quarter, and they specialize in, I don't know, they kind of focus on different things. Really, it's a place for inner work to be done. I always joke, it's not like a green juice, like yoga type of retreat. Yeah, it's not a relaxation, it's a healing. It is a healing, and they do leave um, I think feeling lighter, but it's a lot of inner work. We do betrayal, we do grief, we do just things that are keeping you stuck, core beliefs, and it's so beautiful. And then outside of all of that, I am a drug and alcohol counselor at a treatment center. Recovery is a big part of my own story. And so I just love to keep like a foot in there because it keeps me grounded and it lets me like do all of the amazing stuff I do. But with men, most of my clients are women, but at the treatment center, we only focus on men. And so it's beautiful to be able to bring it up.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I love that so much. So I mentioned we're gonna talk about self-betrayal. And Hazel has lots of thoughts because we've been talking before we started recording. So tell me where you're going with this. Like, tell me your experience with self-betrayal and why you thought this would be such a great topic.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, you know, I was married when I was young for a couple of years, and that marriage ended when I found out that my spouse had been cheating on me. And so incredibly painful and impactful on my life. But I've had a lot of relationships in my life, um, abusive relationships as well, that I really in my healing journey now, I can look back and recognize that there were times where I was not only being betrayed, but I was betraying myself in order to keep this relationship going that I believed was like my lifeline. Do you know what I mean? My worth, my self-worth was always so low that I would do anything, become anybody in order for this person to like me and be with me. And so I feel like I've been, I'd been betraying myself for most of my life, begging and hoping that I would be loved in the way I needed to.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I mean, I relate to this so much because it's almost like when we're betrayed, the person betraying us is like, well, if you were nicer or if you looked a certain way, or if you did this better. And so we think, oh, it's our problem to fix. Yeah, I'm the problem. Yeah. Yeah, we think it's our problem. So, okay, I'll try that. And then we become a person that we don't even recognize. Absolutely. Yeah. So why do you think we do this?

SPEAKER_02:

I think some of it is like a subconscious survival coping mechanism of ours. Um, you and I were talking about it a little bit before, but it's this feeling of the life that I am living, being a wife or a girlfriend or whatever, and being able to say, I'm worthy because this person loves me, right?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

And that is so important to me because there is no love coming from within me. And so I need this relationship to be there, to be maintained. I need even this facade of what I believe others are seeing. Yes. And so I betray myself, like self-betrayal comes in because I think for all of us, maybe on some level, we know that our relationship, the betraying relationship is not healthy. We may not know that they're cheating. Yeah. But I think there is some subconscious level of awareness, like this is something's off. Yeah. This is a lot of work. Yeah. Right. And so I think we start to betray ourselves because the alternative is if I lose this relationship, if I really accept and see what's happening, and I decide like, and I call it out and he leaves, then I have nothing. Yeah. Right. And so instead, I think we subconsciously start that self-betrayal because it is life or death, right? On an emotional level. Like this relationship is my proof that I am worthy.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. It is, I mean, sad, but true, right? And so much of our existence we're unconsciously doing. I don't think we're aware. I always say awareness is the first step to healing because we have to become aware of what we're doing and then figure out how to do something different. And it is, it feels like we're going to die if we let go. And you were brave and let go early, right? For me, it took me 26 years. So I always think, what does that say about me? Right. But I just have to have lots of love and compassion for Mia.

SPEAKER_02:

I don't think it says anything about you really, other than that you're human. I mean, I may have gotten out of like this relationship that I had that marriage, but I had been in a physically abusive relationship for a few years that wasn't that relationship. And then I was an alcoholic. Like I was just betraying myself in different ways. Yes. Until I really like learned what it means to love myself.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. And we all have a different path, right? Like I always think I do, I have lots of compassion for myself because I was just doing for me, like what would help me survive with my me and my kids, right? I had kids, and so many of you listening also have kids, or you feel like if I let go of my relationship, what if I lose my kids? And it just feels so dangerous and scary. So it does make sense why we do it. So what are other things that you've seen other people doing for self-betrayal? And then I want to go into like how can we work on it? Yeah, can we work on it? How can we share it?

SPEAKER_02:

I mean, I work with women all the time that have made themselves smaller in order to exist.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes. Right. And you had had to be. Oh, I for sure. Like, let me just don't notice me. And then maybe you won't be mad at me or you won't criticize me. Or yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. So I think that's one of the ways. I think for me, that was one of the ways I would do it. I would if you if he liked, you know, heavy metal music. Yeah. I hate that. But if he liked that, I would love that. Right. Or if he didn't like doing this and it was something that I cared about. Oh, you're right. I don't, I don't need to do that. I'll just give that up.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Clothes, don't you think women like how they dress or like makeup or absolutely.

SPEAKER_02:

That's another form.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

I just think for me, it really is about, I don't want to say it is. I want to say it was. Was about I will do anything to be what I think you want me to be, for you to love me.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, and to be happy. And then they're not happy, and you're like, wait, what? I just I'm doing this, and you're still not happy. But the thing is, what I've learned, and you know, is that's not happiness. We can't make other people happy. Absolutely. Yeah, we have to find that for ourselves. So I love, I love this. What are some ways that people can stop if they recognize, like, oh, I'm totally doing this in my relationship now? What do you think fear for changing, right? Like, I think some people are like, but I if I become who I want to become, they may still leave.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Or what do you think those resistances for changing?

SPEAKER_01:

I think the resistance is I don't know who I really am. Right.

SPEAKER_02:

So I would say if you really want to ask yourself, who am I? Are these things in my life, these things that I do, these things that I'm focused on, are those for somebody else? Or are those because I really care about those things?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Yeah. I think being really curious, like, what do I even like? I think a lot of people have this when they become empty nesters, even if they have a normal, like healthy marriage, as healthy as any marriage can be. But when they're like, oh, I'm not a mom anymore. Who am I? What do I like? I've just been running my kids everywhere. So I think this can play out in many areas of our life. But like, yeah, really getting clearer. And I found, and I've watched this with my daughter, finding things that she loved when she was a little girl. Because she started baking again. And she used to love baking and then didn't for a long time. And now she's baking again. And I see that like excitement. And I've seen that with myself, with like, wait, I I liked, I'm trying to think what I've done, but in my past, I used to have lots of friends. And I think in my marriage, I kind of stopped really connecting with other women because I thought I wasn't good at it. I believed I wasn't good at it. Something was wrong with me or whatever. Now I like love getting together with other women. And I realized they do like me and I'm a likable person. But the idea in my marriage was that's not who I was. Right. That's I wasn't likable. My husband was super likable and everyone liked him, but not me. Well, or only you if you didn't only me if I was doing this. Or would someone like me if I didn't buy them lunch still, right? Like, anyways, it was a lot of money issues and things like that, I think.

SPEAKER_02:

So yeah, you're using that to prove your work. Yes, right. For sure. Use lots of things. I think, you know, a lot of the women that come to our retreats, one of the things I say is, who are you outside of all of the roles that you play? Yes. Right? Outside of mom, who am I? Yeah. Outside of wife, who am I? Outside of daughter or churchgoer, yeah, you know, employee or whatever. Like, who am I? Who am I understanding all of the stuff that I do? And I think the truth is a lot of women are so out of touch with that that they can't answer that. Yes. They can't see themselves as anything other than I'm a mom. Yeah. And don't get me wrong, that is one of the most beautiful things that I do. Right. But I am so much more than just a mom. Yeah, I don't mean it just a mom. You know what I'm saying? Yes. I am so much more. Like, if you were to ask me who I am now, like I am a daughter of God. I'm divine. I am strong. I am loyal. I am a connector. I see the truth in other people, maybe before they see it themselves. I love deeply. And I'm a good friend. Like I'm, I just know all these different qualities about me now that I never knew.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. And wouldn't it be beautiful is when if we asked someone, tell me a little bit about yourself. And that's how you described yourself, right? What if we all did that? It would be such a beautiful thing. And when I was at church yesterday, one of the talks, we were talking about gifts God has given us. And I think a lot of women struggled in that lesson because it's like, I don't know. And I think, no, we've got to remember because we're all given different gifts and we're all given different reasons and strengths and weaknesses, but we don't acknowledge them. A lot of us are really focused on acknowledging all of our weaknesses.

SPEAKER_02:

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00:

And look at all the strengths and others and wishing we were. And so instead, like really like, what are some what are three gifts that I feel like I've been really blessed with? And just acknowledging those more often, I think really will help in the self-betrayal if that is your story, if that's where you you recognize, like, okay, not only did my spouse betray me, but I have self-betrayed me. And so what are some ways that you think people like how can we get from, okay, now we recognize. And truth be told, for me, I didn't recognize I was self-betraying until probably at least a year after I got divorced. I couldn't see it because I was so focused on my spouse betraying me. Yeah. And then I realized, wow, okay. And that was painful. It was like a whole other, a whole other layer of grief I had to deal with. And so I think once you recognize it, when someone recognizes it, what are some ideas that you think will help move you through that?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. I think it is important to recognize or to do the work around like what are the beliefs I have about myself and what I am worthy of. Right. I need to really get clear with what do I believe about myself. Because we all have these core beliefs, and these core beliefs start when we're really little, right? We start to learn who we are through the eyes of other people. And I think to some extent that continues through our life, right? Yeah. I learn what kind of wife I am through the eyes of my spouse. And if I have a spouse that thinks I'm a useless piece of crap, yeah, right. Then what is that gonna mean? What do I believe? I'm a useless, you know. Yeah. Um, so there's a piece of that. And so I think really, you know, whether you're able to figure that out, just your own journaling and quiet meditation time or through prayer. But obviously, I'm a big proponent of working with somebody because they can help you look and explore these deeper issues. Yeah. Because it's not just enough to say, I'm not gonna do that anymore. Now I'm gonna love myself. Yeah. If it was all so easy, then you know, you and I would not have a business and we would all be interacting and walking around with people who were just so full of love and fulfillment. Yes. And the truth is, like, that's that's just not the case. We have blind spots and we need other people to help us so we can really identify what those are. So I think if you can figure out what those core beliefs are, then you can do the work of healing those different parts of you that were wounded. I have a lot of times the work I end up doing, just my own work, is around a four-year-old version of myself and some main she was going through. There is a version of me at 12 years old who I was being bullied in school for no other reason than just, you know, mean girl jealousy. But I remember specifically thinking what is wrong with me that this is happening. So I'll be with. There, you know, I'll be like everybody else. So I've had to work on healing her. You know, I was in an abusive relationship. I had to work on healing that girl, right? And she has had a lot of pain in her life. And I think that set me up for a very like unhappy first marriage. But there are ways that I still do that. And it's just instead of looking at those things with shame and with discouragement, now I can look at them with like, I don't know, there's almost this sense of peace of, okay, this is something I get to work on. And after or through it, I'm going to know a truer version of myself. And I try to help my clients figure that out as well. No. Right? There is a purpose to walking through this pain. It's not like we're just dredging this up to now be miserable. This pain is a pathway to healing.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. And to more peace and freedom, right? It's so such a free feeling when you can, you're not outsourcing your happiness or yourself, what other people think about you. You're you already know what you think about you and what you believe in you. But I think a lot of our core beliefs, don't you think it's generational? Oh, for sure. I mean, I just think sometimes it's like, no, that's just how it was in my family. But that's why I agree. I love having a coach, someone there helping you, because you can be like, you can decide that you're not that person anymore. You were that person for a reason, maybe for a protection. Maybe your mom was or your grandma, but you don't have to decide that doesn't have to be something you believe about yourself anymore either.

SPEAKER_02:

I love that anymore.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. You you did it kept you safe for a reason, but now you can choose to believe something different.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, we have to create what that new belief is. Yes. And, you know, like go through the work of making peace with those wounded versions of myself and healing that so I can rewrite the story. Right. And when I rewrite the story, I am breaking generational curses. I am saying this or this is how it has been, and I will no longer accept that anymore. You know, and sometimes that work looks like boundary work. Yes. Boundaries with family members, boundaries with maybe the person that's betraying you, and certainly boundaries within yourself. Yes. Boundaries of I will no longer accept being treated this way. Yes. And this is who I am. And so what aligns with that? That's what I will seek out now, instead of you know, giving these pieces of myself away and wondering why I feel so empty.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Yeah. And really like doing the work of loving you. And it's the most beautiful work. It is. It really is. And I think we sometimes we think, but we have to have those people in our life. We can't, but if they're only causing you pain and only causing you hurt, like you don't have to necessarily totally stop talking to them, but just have a boundary and realize, like, you know, my how I feel about myself, how what I think about me matters more than what they think. And so then we're not absorbing their woundedness into us. And I think it happens so often if we're not careful. And we can say no, and we can really become the version of ourselves. For me, I feel like so much lighter and happier now that I don't give anyone else control over my feelings, my happiness, my whatever I think, not my kids, not my family. It's just about me. And so, but before I didn't have an opinion that I gave all my, you know, if I was gonna feel any emotion, I think I let other people decide how I would feel. If my kids were sad, I was sad. And of course we want to have compassion, but it's also they need a strong mom in that moment. They don't need a sad mom to then so we can all feel sad together, you know. So I don't know, I've learned a lot. I think it's really such a great lesson if you can get there, but it does take some work to get there.

SPEAKER_02:

It does, you know, in recovery, in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, one of the things it talks about there is that we are born with a God-sized hole in us. And, you know, I think addicts are just better at maybe noticing that because our lives fall apart, you know? But we all have this. It's like when we talk about outsourcing our worth, like I will try to fill that hole with anything I did when I'm just using it. Was like, I'll be this party girl, or I'll be this, you know, wild person, or I will try to think other things I filled it with. I filled it with being like really promiscuous when I was younger because if you want me physically, then I'm worthy. Yeah, right. And there is never enough, not that.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

I can also fill it with, you know, doing so much for others. And really, like when you think about this, this God-sized whole, the truth is, is that only my relationship with God is what's going to fulfill me. Yes. Right. That's why I said, like, if you ask me who I am, I am a daughter of God. Whatever religious beliefs, you know, you may have associated with that, like that is the truth of who I am. And so if I can stay aligned with that, then I have everything I need. What would it be like to love ourselves the way God loves us?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. And what would it be like if we could love ourselves and then love everyone else, like their brothers and sisters?

SPEAKER_02:

It will just automatically come out.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So if we want to save the world, Hazel, we've got to sort of love ourselves. Yes, it's so true. It is so true. And it's so impactful. I think such a great example for your kids. You know, just because you haven't been that way, I think kids really respect and see when their parents are changing. Even if they're adults, they see it, they watch it. If they can come to you and talk to you and you're able to hold space for them, right? And feel their pain. I don't know. I I've just really seen it with my kids, with the betrayal, all the things that we've experienced, that there is healing for me, but also healing for them.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, I think for sure. And, you know, I loved how you said, like, for our children to be able to see us grow.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes.

SPEAKER_02:

I just think like, what would that have been like for me to watch my parents in real time working through some of the stuff from their childhood. Yes. Or some of the stuff from their past. I just think the greatest impact I can have on my children and the people around me is to evolve and continue to grow. And I do hope that in all the other ways I'm screwing up my kids that I don't know about, yeah. That at least they can look at me and say, like our mom kept growing. Yes. Our mom kept evolving into a better version of herself. And not only do they deserve that, but I deserve it.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes, you do. You do. I love this so much. Okay, so Hazel, if people want to find you, how can they find you?

SPEAKER_02:

Perfect. So you can always email me at hazel or hazel at hazelmason.com. And how do you spell hazel? Uh-huh. H-A-Z-E-L-M-A-S-O-N. You can also visit our retreat page, which is go.hazelmason.com forward slash retreat.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay.

SPEAKER_02:

Our retreats are magical and amazing.

SPEAKER_00:

My daughter's been to a few and she's loved it so much, even though she's the youngest. She is the big. But yeah, I'm just so grateful for you and all the work you've done so that you can then now help me and my daughter and be a part of our lives. Thank you so much. I've learned a lot from you. So, anyways, so I hope you guys enjoyed this episode. If you liked it, please share it with your family and friends. And I'll put all of Hazel's information in the show notes. So go check that out if you'd like to find out how you could work with her or go to one of her amazing retreats. Have a beautiful day, and I will talk to you next week. Thanks for listening. If this episode helped you breathe deeper or see your next step more clearly, share it with someone who needs it. And when you're ready for real support in your healing, you know where to find me. At lifecoachgen.com. That's Jen with one N. Your happily even after is possible. And it starts today.